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A Ginormous Review Of CLOSER, Including Conversation With Mike Nichols!!

FRISTY THE FRISTMAN! by ChrisPC24	Nov 14th, 2004 10:10:57 PM
No Nat boobies?? NOOOO!
"Blah Blah Blah Blah," As the Reviewer Begins His 50,000 Word So by hipcheck13	Nov 14th, 2004 10:21:34 PM
...why, oh why, does every doofus who reviews something for this site have a prelude the size of War and Peace before getting to the review?
Fucking weird by Torgol	Nov 14th, 2004 10:40:17 PM
That was one of the weirdest reveiws I have ever read. I have a sneaking position that all the shit about his friend was made up. I need to go do some peyote now.
Nat's nudity, according to EW (yeah I read it, wanna make sumpin by Hung-Wei Lo	Nov 14th, 2004 10:57:58 PM
In the Holiday Movie Preview edition of Entertainment Weekly, they talk about her actually doing a full nude scene. But because "the director is like a father to me", he cut those scenes at Natalie's request. So unless they've been handed to her, I'd say we wait for the 2nd DVD release in 2005 (not the first one -- the first one is always barebones with just trailers and interactive menus). But wait for the 2nd one titled "Closer: Ultimate Natalie Commando Director's Cut Edition".
About Queen Amidala's goodies..... by AshesOfDonnie	Nov 14th, 2004 11:16:15 PM
....I read that she had a full frontal scene, and had that taken off the film, but that she still comes out topless in the film. I swear though, the only person's reviews Ill sit through are harry's , but anyone else who copies his style(and makes it worse) just plains sucks.
No boobies, no money. by borisF	Nov 14th, 2004 11:23:56 PM
I want boobies and I will not watch the movie until boobies are there.
here's da link.... by AshesOfDonnie	Nov 14th, 2004 11:30:54 PM
http://imdb.com/name/nm0000204 /news
agreed...get to the friggin point: nattie's titays by JohnnyBlueJeans	Nov 14th, 2004 11:31:30 PM
there's only one reason anyone gives a jackalope's shit about this movie and it ain't clive owen's surprise performance
You fucking dunces. That was the best-written thing there's ever by heywood jablomie	Nov 14th, 2004 11:36:46 PM
And who gives a fuck about Natalie Portman's stupid little tits?
Wanna see Natalie Portman's tits?? by The guy	Nov 15th, 2004 12:45:15 AM
These are pics of her sunbathing snapped by the paparazzi. http://www.robbscelebs.co.uk/i ndex.htm Look her up under her first name.
That was one of the best reviews to ever show up on this site by Fatboy_Roberts	Nov 15th, 2004 01:11:16 AM
Thanks for posting it.
Without the nudity...what's the point? by Techtite	Nov 15th, 2004 03:05:47 AM
I used to have this college friend who'd look at all the caffeine free, sugar-free
I felt it was a well-written review by NFLRefugee	Nov 15th, 2004 09:24:00 AM
But what is with the Soderberg interview? I do not understand some people's fascination with this director. He is perhaps the most pretentious man on the planet. He's made some good films, but nothing really great. (Not yet at least.) I feel he is highly overrated.
Hey Talk-Backers . . . Try to get the point by HarrisonsDad	Nov 15th, 2004 09:55:37 AM
The film is all about dialogue and character. The reviewer gave us dialogue and character. The dialogue of Steven and Mike, the dialogue of the reviewer and D., and the character of New York City. Although a bit long, it was still a good review. Maybe we need to find a few good "Dick and Jane" primary readers with topless shots of Mother calling Dick and Jane in for supper . . . See Dick go to the movie. See Dick run. Run Dick run. Run home fast. See Natalie Strip. Strip Natalie Strip. See big words. Run,run, run. Words too big. Run Dick run.
You got to the point by way of Timbucktu. by cookylamoo	Nov 15th, 2004 10:26:04 AM
Here's a good tip for would be reviewers. THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU!! No one gives a flying fuck how long it took you to get to the movie or who you went with (unless it was Uma Thurman and you can describe her tits) Also, your personal approach to movies in general is just more boring shit. We don't care. Maybe if you were Alfred Hitchcock it would be amusing, otherwise it just filler. If I'm being rude is just that I've been reading reviews like this in the Village Voice for years and I've forever longed to write these immortal words GET TO THE FUCKING POINT, ALREADY.
gayest.review.ever. by Hud	Nov 15th, 2004 10:40:53 AM

You have no one to blame but yourselves by Garbageman33	Nov 15th, 2004 11:17:46 AM
If you people would have just kept your drooling to a minimum, she might not have had a change of heart. Instead, every article, news story and, most of all, talkback are first and foremost about her perky little breasts. Mind you, this is a film with Jude Law, Clive Owen and Julia Roberts, three very well-respected actors. Plus, the director is nothing short of a legend. And yet, all the talk is about her orbs? Don't you think she might find that all a bit embarrassing? That she would be the one getting all the publicity? Yes, she did the nude scenes, but when she did, I doubt she realized the effect it (or should I say "they") would have on under-sexed Star Wars geeks everywhere. Once she saw what was happening, that it was overshadowing the film itself, she had the scene yanked. So, way to go, guys!
To quote Simon Pegg in Spaced....."Skip to the end!" by Doom II	Nov 15th, 2004 11:20:10 AM
WOW. What a detailed review for a movie that should have gone straight-to-video! Hey Mr Nichols, great idea cutting that Natalie Portman nude scene! Now NO ONE will go see this movie. You just lost several million dollars in fanboys paying to see this film JUST FOR THAT SCENE! Smart choice. Hope the movie tanks worse than Alfie.
Thank you! :) by viola123	Nov 15th, 2004 11:26:12 AM
That was so great. Thank you. I am so looking forward to seeing "Closer", I wish it was already the 3rd, g. Anyway, I'll be there to see "Closer" on its first Friday and cannot wait for it. It sounds fantastic! :)
1,000 Screens? by Havok2000	Nov 15th, 2004 12:39:39 PM
Shouldn't this play on, like, ten? Since it has the same subject matter and style parameters (four characters, infidelity) as the quite recent and well-reviewed We Don't Live Here Anymore? Which had the very hot, nude and overtly sexual Naomi Watts instead of the covered up stripper Natalie Portman and glum, unromantic Julia Roberts. Maybe Natalie can do her thing at Disneyland. This will wind up with a PSA of around $10 its opening weekend. Does Sony think they have this year's Julia Roberts flick. Well, they do. Full Frontal II. The recent election confirmed what many of us knew -- there are around 35-40 people in this country who might appreciate a film with these moorings. The rest just want to see Seth Green hit Dax whatever-his-name-is in the ass with a pie, go to Nascar races and football games and die on the porch after one last unfiltered cigarette at age 47.
Portman = this generation's Meg Ryan by Silver Shamrock	Nov 15th, 2004 01:05:59 PM
She'll do a real nude scene when she's so old and decripit that no one will care. Portman seemed like she had so much potential when she made Leon, but frittered it away in Susan Sarandon movies and wooden star wars roles. Her talent and range as an actor are clearly overrated. With any luck, Keira Knightley will grant us a glimpse of the promised land and we can extrapolate what Portman might look like.
rant by Gilda Mundson	Nov 15th, 2004 02:25:50 PM
You stupid, sexist, objectifing pigs. So what if Natalie Portman doesn't want to show her boobs? What incentive are you stupid fucks giving her? If she shows her tits because it's important to the character or the situation, you fuckwits are just going to jizz. Why should any young woman with even an iota of self-esteem surrender herself to that? It's creepy. Furthermore, if you want to see tits, allow me to remind you that you are on the INTERNET. you can see vast varieties of breasts: small, large, fake, real, whatever. If those women are comfortable serving as your silent, artificial, dream playthings, that's their prerogative. But if Natalie Portman (and I don't even like her that much as an actress) decides that her body is her own, and she can reveal it or cover it however she wants, that is completely her decision. Furthermore, about the person who said Holly Hunter's career was based on her showing her boobs in The Piano, I would like to direct you to a couple of movies: Broadcast News, where she gave one of the best film performances of the 1980s, and The Firm, where she was pretty good, and oscar nominated, without any nudity. I can't belive that in this day and age, with more women seeking higher education than men, and with women finally suceeding in all realms of professional life, that we have to put up with this shit. Is this just some way for stupid, obnoxious, insecure fucks to see us not as equals, but as sex objects or fuck holes? Personally, I applaud Natalie Portman's awareness that some guys don't respect her as a person or professional, just as a body and face, and that she refuses to surrender to that. That shows remarkable acumen for someone who otherwise makes such horrible decisions about her career. Finally, if you really want to see how Natalie Portman would look naked, use Photoshop to make a fake picture and whack off to that. The wisest words I ever heard from a guy were from my boyfriend who told me, "If I see a girl I'd like to see naked, instead of saying 'show me your boobs,' I say, 'Hi, my name's John. How are you doing?'" It worked for me. (Also, as a preemptive stike, I am not an unattractive, hairylegged, uberfeminist. I am a pretty girl, the same age as Natalie Portman, who has been accosted many times by strangers on the street to be told I look like: (among others) Catherine Zeta Jones, Audrey Tautou, Julia Roberts, and, yes, Natalie Portman. Or just by people who ask what magazine ad they saw me modeling in.)
gilda mundson by Glass	Nov 15th, 2004 04:10:44 PM
you pretentious jerk. wow, do you love yourself. i'm sure you look just like julia roberts AND catherine zeta jones AND natalie portman AND audrey tatou. eat shit, how's that for accosting you in the street? give me a break. did you ever think maybe you were being accosted in the street because you look like a hooker? maybe YOU think you look like the aforementioned ladies, but i'm willing to bet you're the only one. loser.
" frittered it away in Susan Sarandon movies and wooden star war by minderbinder	Nov 15th, 2004 04:55:11 PM
I guess you didn't see Garden State? She also played Anne Frank on broadway, does that count as frittering away your career? Don't assume she sucks just because she gave lousy performances in a franchise in which virtually every other actor gave the worst performances of their careers as well.
OK, gotta stand up for Holly Hunter here. by FluffyUnbound	Nov 15th, 2004 04:55:26 PM
Broadcast News. Raising Arizona. Compared to both of those films, The Piano blows goats. Nudity did exactly squat for Hunter's career. That being said, if Portman hit the skids and started doing porn tomorrow, I'd pay it on OnDemand.
by Gilda Mundson	Nov 15th, 2004 05:03:38 PM
i don't think i look like any of them. I have brown eyes and hair, with a turned up nose. people see those traits, and associate them with familiar faces with those features. And some people point it out. Vocabulary does not equal pretention. Mocking a woman for not showing her tits to the world does equal objectification and sexism.
Nudity by ChrisPC24	Nov 15th, 2004 07:15:59 PM
Gilda, you make a good point.I agree; it's her body and she can do what she wants. She's not exactly well-endowed, anyway (but I don't mind). I think her voice and her face are what really make her sexy. She looks amazing in the trailer, even without nudity. However, why the hell did she even shoot the scenes in the first place? It seems a bit hypocritical, IMHO.
Fantastic Review! by Ben Dobyns	Nov 15th, 2004 08:02:50 PM
Beautifully written, analytical, and honest review! Well done!
Gotta stand up for objectification, too. by FluffyUnbound	Nov 15th, 2004 08:17:34 PM
News flash: Women ARE objects. Another news flash: So are men. Every sex act is an objectification, regardless of what your feminist ideology [or your Leo Buscaglia books] might tell you. // Sometimes it's fun to take two absurdities and combine them, to see what you get. On the one hand, we are told that having too obvious a regard for the physical and visual qualities of other people indicates an unhealthly superficiality and an evil "objectification". On the other hand, at different times [and in different contexts] we are ALSO told that everyone is basically the same "on the inside", if we will just make the effort to "respect each others' differences". Hmmmm...color me confused, but if we're not supposed to notice the outside, and if everyone's insides are the same...doesn't that make all people essentially worthless and interchangeable? Oh well, maybe I just sometimes take touchy-feely gobbledegook too literally. Let's get back to discussing something important, like Natalie Portman's fun bags.
Re: Any Boobie Updates by GrandoCarIissian	Nov 15th, 2004 08:27:40 PM
personally, i'd like to screw the boobies AND screw the pooper
Movie looks good but I still want to see more of Natalie by castaway	Nov 15th, 2004 09:53:34 PM
When it comes to whether or not these scenes were shot, and considering Natalie's background with cinematic sexuality, I SERIOUSLY DOUBT SUCH SHOTS EVEN EXIST. That's right, until I see them, I don't think they even exist. I think it was all cock and bull just to sell the movie. Regardless, I'm still game to see this movie and a great and well-written review from the writer.
all this talk of boobies by AshesOfDonnie	Nov 15th, 2004 10:49:30 PM
reminds me when I first saw Sam Raimi's The Gift. a gift it was. but seriously there is something wrong when you read a thread about boobies and you have to see that Harry animation playing. thats probably what Phoebe Cates looks like now.
Come to think about it... by AshesOfDonnie	Nov 15th, 2004 10:52:31 PM
when I last watched Leon(The Proffesional) I thought those scenes with a very young Nat were pretty racy, and having that Bjork song play in the background ("His wicked sense of humour, suggests exciting sex")
God, I wish by AnnoyYou	Nov 15th, 2004 11:03:52 PM

God I wish Cate Blanchett had taken the Anna role. by AnnoyYou	Nov 15th, 2004 11:06:51 PM
Roberts is pallid and washed-out to the extreme in this film, and why anyone (least of all Law and Owens' characters) would choose her over the luminous Portman is beyond belief. Blanchett would have been great, not only because she's as gorgeous as Portman but because she can act rings around Roberts. This casting seems lopsided in the extreme.
Natalie has that big ugly mole on her face. No wonder guys by cookylamoo	Nov 15th, 2004 11:32:24 PM
would rather look at her sweet little cupcakes than her flawed features. As for her acting, if she'd were any stiffer, she could have starred in "Team America". As for Holly Hunter, the only reason she looked good in The Piano was because she was next to a naked Harvey Keitel. His dwarf body makes anyone look like Snow White. By the time she made "Crash", Holly's boobs looked like two overcooked bagels.
"two overcooked bagels" by Heckles	Nov 16th, 2004 12:14:25 AM
Holy shit, I almost spit out my caffeine-free Diet Coke. Anyway, who gives a flying shit if some tools want to see Portman's fun bags. We've had to suffer for the past week, looking at Harry's rack. And it's not that people think her chest is the shit, it's just the satisfaction of seeing celeb's nude. It's a weird fantatic trait some people have. Personally, I hope she waits another 5-8 years. She still looks too young and I'm reminded of her role in The Professional (Leon for you asshead purists.)
Natalie by Deagle2	Nov 16th, 2004 04:07:32 AM
Natalie can do what she wants, but a stripper who never gets naked most likely won't seem very believable to an audience. In a movie like Pretty Woman you might be able to get away with it because its a fluffy romance story, but not in a serious relationship and sex based drama like Closer.
Holly Hunter is Naked in Every Movie... by BigTuna	Nov 16th, 2004 09:20:55 AM
The piano, Crash, Thirteen, Jesus' Son. Just off the top of My Head. She still Looks hot IMHO. She's in that select group of serious actresses with Kate Winslett and Jullianne Moore. Actresses that have no objection to losing the clothes. God lov'em!
Naa Blanchet should have played the Roberts role by chien_sale	Nov 16th, 2004 03:28:24 PM
That would have been something. Roberts does not possesses acting skills and they should stop giving her work!
it's just as stupid by andenu	Nov 16th, 2004 04:27:23 PM
for her to not show her tits cause of the fanboys than for her TO show em for the fanboys. the bottom line is is it important to her performance and to the film? i don't know cause i haven't seen it, but the point someone made about it being the role of a stripper (errrrr) does have some merit. people clamoring for nudity may be infantile but it's nothing new. shame on natalie portman and mike nichols if that's why they cut it.
No nudity=me no see. by MyNameDoesn'tFit	Nov 16th, 2004 09:09:48 PM
TROOF
Maybe Lucasfilm put some pressure on them to cut the Natalie's n by ExcaliburFfolkes	Nov 16th, 2004 10:00:40 PM
It wouldn't look very good for Lucas if the young female star of his kid friendly space saga appeared in the buff in another movie a few months before Star Wars Ep. 3 opens. Just a thought. While were on the subject, though, I seem to remember Natalie claiming for years and years that she would never ever ever do a nude scene (or even topless) in any movie because she didn't want to be known as that kind of actress. I wonder what changed her mind.
Lucasfilm? They certainly haven't stopped Ewan from whipping ou by minderbinder	Nov 17th, 2004 02:11:40 PM
I hear he even does bat mizvas.
I think all movie stars should have to sign a mandatory nudity c by Anlashok	Nov 17th, 2004 08:32:52 PM
which requires they do at least one nude scene during their career, it's the LEAST they could do for the wage slaves who propell them to fame, fortune and immortality.

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A Ginormous Review Of CLOSER, Including Conversation With Mike Nichols!!

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