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Vern massacres the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE!

wow, that was brutal (nm) by DancesWithWerewolves	Oct 16th, 2003 07:17:33 AM

I never thought I'd ever call Vern the voice of reason... by Cash Bailey	Oct 16th, 2003 07:19:06 AM
But it's nice to finally find someone who isn't distracted by purty pictures and sweaty heaving boobies to expose this sham for what it is: a desperate, pointless plundering of a perfect original. Fuck Michael Bay, that orange German fuck-wit and anyone else who has supported this film, be it through lenient reviews, suck-ass junket articles or relentless pimping on their site while doing their best to hide that fact that they were paid off by a cameo, an exclusive screening and, most probably, access to Jessica Biel's laundry hamper. Nothing in the film world has ever made me as angry as this.
MONEY! MONEY! MONEY! by zoidzoidzoid	Oct 16th, 2003 07:19:13 AM
That's all people are concerned with nowadays, people like Bay and them. It's obvious on this movie it's just about using the good name of a horror classic to make a boatload of money from idiots who think it's gonna be cool. It's a good film name, it sounds good, and it will sell alot of tickets. Bay doesn't care about making it accurate, it's all about $$$. Boycott time!
I saw it last night, and thought it was pretty good... by Otter	Oct 16th, 2003 07:22:48 AM
...granted, it was missing some of the original concepts, but no remake is identical to the original, except for Psycho, which most people said sucked anyway. The preview audience cringed and jumped in the right places, and isn't that what really matters? People being entertained, whether it's a good scare or shock, it what most people go to a horror movie for anyway. Very disturbing, very scary.
Micheal Bay answers back! by zoidzoidzoid	Oct 16th, 2003 07:42:23 AM
See above, heh...
"And all men kill the thing they love" by CuervoJones	Oct 16th, 2003 08:18:08 AM
Oscar Wilde said that. I guess that prick Bay really loves TCM
The Texas Dildo Masquerade by Some Dude	Oct 16th, 2003 08:45:57 AM
Aside from Splatman and Edward Penis-hands, TDM might be the best porno parody of all time. Although, it follows more closely the plot and scene structure of the film it parodies than do the first two films, there is something decidedly non-sexual about a porno based on Leatherface and co. Despite the lack of wankability, the movie is very funny. Highlights of the comedy include: opening narration and scoll, the location Anus Texas, Pussyface, and a chainsaw retrofitted with a big dildo. I hope they make a remake...
yeah, just what I thought by elfstoned	Oct 16th, 2003 09:51:34 AM
This is just the type of reaction that I might have if I'd seen the movie, too. All those horror-movie cliches that the original didn't have - didn't have to have. Besides, wasn't TCM so good because it worked as a horror movie and black comedy at the same time? The cook, the hitchhiker, leatherface - it's like the three stooges of serial murder.
I Will see this, just to put my suspicious to rest, but Vern's c by Blacklist	Oct 16th, 2003 10:58:18 AM
It's like a studio sawing up your best friend, then putting him back together in frankenstein-form and saying 'look, he's just as good as he was before!' except that he's dumber, weaker and you can't help asking why the hell they bothered to do it in the first place. I might wind up enjoying it, assuming that I'm in the right mood and put it out of my mind that I'm seeing a remake of a great movie. That said, I'm nowhere near as forgiving of anyone laying a finger on Dawn of the Dead!
Harry, did you even read that newspaper article? by Chet Hudson	Oct 16th, 2003 11:23:55 AM
Last line: "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre premiered Oct. 17, 1974, the murders occurred on Oct. 28, 1974." Sheesh.
Vern!! by pmorano	Oct 16th, 2003 11:44:02 AM
I can't beleive ANYONE thought this would be good. Suckers. Vern, dammit, why aren't you drunk anymore? I bet you were never dunk in the first place. You've shattered my great perception of you.
I used to be impartial, but with all the inaccuracy in his posts by OverMuch	Oct 16th, 2003 03:20:42 PM
This comes DIRECTLY FROM THE ARTICLE, HARRY: the movie was not based on the Kleasen case. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was filmed in 1973 and vaguely inspired by the case of Ed Gein, a Wisconsin serial killer in the 1950s who inspired movies such as Psycho and Silence of the Lambs. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre premiered Oct. 17, 1974, the murders occurred on Oct. 28, 1974. STUPID ASS.
Harry's link illustrates on of the things that makes TCM such a by rev_skarekroe	Oct 16th, 2003 04:12:11 PM
People walk out after watching that movie CONVINCED that they've seen the goriest film ever made, which just isn't true despite the brutal sadism of its characters. Similarly, Harry and others in previous Talkbacks are desperate to believe that TCM was based on some sort of true story, despite all evidence to the contrary, and despite the fact that any evidence THEY offer up tends to be proven false upon close examination. In conclusion, boobies. sk
Vern's the best damn film reviewer around by Anti-fanboy	Oct 16th, 2003 04:14:09 PM
In my opinion. And fuck remakes.
Vern is right by Kutulhu	Oct 16th, 2003 05:03:42 PM
Even if you don't compare it to the original, if you watch it as a stand alone film, it is still a piece of shit. Firstly, anyone who says this film is "disturbing" is a fucking asshole who obviously hasn't watched nothing else but Disney and 7th Heaven. THIS MOVIE IS NOT DISTURBING. Unless you count the number of times Jessica Biel gets her T-Shirt soaked (Which is three). I mean, jeez...I like boobs, but it is fucking ridiculous to think that Leatherface, chasing a woman out of a freezer inside a meat factory, would stop TO TURN ON THE SPRINKLERS!!! What the fuck!! Wait, you know what is disturbing? The forced characterization fo Leatherface. Turns out, he is not some nutjob from a family of nutjobs, no, no, no...he got picked on as a child. Give me a fucking break, it is bad enough they try to explain it, but then they give the most tired excuse. Also disturbing is the lack of actual gore. Sure it is gorier then the original, but sans the scene of the hitchhiker offing herself (the best shot of the film) there is little more then splashes of blood and a quick amputation. Now, gore isn't the driving factor in which I judge movies, but come on. I guess when you say it is going to be gorier then the first movie, its like saying there will be more sex then in the Sound of Music. Lets see...oh yea, very disturbing was the use of every fucking cliche in the book. Hey look, she picked a hiding spot that happen to be where all the rats in the house like to hang out. Hey, I will lock this pig in a locker and it will jump out exactly when I need it, even though I am in a completely different locker, and it will distract Leatherface long enough for me to get away Oh no, it looks like the guy we called for help is actually a bag guy. I guess this movie really is disturbing after all.
TCM was based on Ed Gein, Hooper Said so himself by SqueeandSchmee	Oct 16th, 2003 05:37:06 PM
Hooper said he visted realatives not to far from Plainsfield (where Gein slashed up corpses mostly, only 2 real victems). The stories about this guy who wore his mothers skin (torso, face, hair, pussy, all of it) and supposedly cannabalized the corpses(he swore he never did) and made stuff from the dead folks skin (like a chair, a belt made out of female nipples, etc). That's what leatherface was based on. The rest is from Hooper's imagination.
great review by poopoodle	Oct 16th, 2003 05:45:36 PM
hey vern, that kicked ass. I was contemplating seeing this but now I'll try to convince my wife to watch the original again. thanks.
Stop with Bay-bashing already! by superdave	Oct 16th, 2003 06:10:28 PM
I've heard enough of that shit...Okay, he's the biggest rich boy in Hollywood, BUT, there are FAAR worse directors out there!
yes yes and YES by maceodkat	Oct 16th, 2003 06:15:51 PM
I couldnt agree with Vern's review and the TB's voice of reason.. I'm trying to get my horror fix in, especially after the build up to FvsJ, but these friggin numbnutzz cant end a fucking movie and Im sick and tired of being able to get my rocks off at the movies... WTF! Harry is claiming to bring together the movie of all movies...please fatman gives us three soild acts...
I love this review by ufoclub	Oct 16th, 2003 06:58:06 PM
please write more abut other half assed stuff that is put up on the big screen or little screen ("Taken" comes to mind)
Hate to say it but VERN IS SOOO RIGHT ON THE MONEY on this one! by MentallyMariah	Oct 16th, 2003 07:03:48 PM
total example of a KICK ASS TRAILER and a stupid ass movie! I sat there totally excited and as the lights went down, I could feel my excitment and anticipation getting higher...But I guess it just never did anything for me, I never felt scared, I felt like I was waiting for the movie to kick my ass and it never did...The inbred kid was lame...the Trailer with the fat lady and the dykie looking freak bitch was a joke...the locker room hide out scene, I kept thinking JASON VS FREDDY...I dunno but I was underwhemled by this one, Guess it's back to seeing Kill bill for the 7th time instead of a repeat of Texas Chainsaw this weekened..And Hello Was it me or was Mystic Pizza, whoops I meant Mystic River a YAWN??? I started the morning out with Mystic River and ended it with Texas Chainsaw, two movies I was really eagerly anticipating...Man what a dissapointing movie day yesterday was..on and by the way...THAT ENDING where the camera drops, FUCKING LAME LAME LAME!! My screenign audience actually let out a few boos and groans...We left the Blair Witch ages ago, I can't believe they would even go there with that ended for Texas..... If you have to see Texas this weekend, which I know EVERYBODY and their two year olds will go!! Just go into it knowning that it will SUCK HARD, maybe you might be surprised!!
ed gein and tcm by SimpsonsQuoteMan	Oct 16th, 2003 08:09:24 PM
I'm going to be all arrogant here, but hey its for your own good. I know a hell of a lot about this movie and what surrounds it, and especially what aspects there is to what it was based on. The bottom line is, tobe said in an interview that when he was growing up there was always these stories about these sorts of things, some very very true (ed gein) some just folk stories that grew from real incidents and took on a life of their own. These stories became part of his upbringing, and tcm is simply an expression of his own impressions of these stories, which, i remind you, are a big molasses of truth and myth.
Times change... by Techtite	Oct 16th, 2003 09:47:12 PM
The problem with remaking Texas Chainsaw Massacre is that any guy wielding a blade-type weapon --even a chainsaw-- can easily be SHOT down. Come on. Can any slasher pic be as effective anymore, after Indiana Jones, and that classic Raiders of the Lost Ark scene? Guy with two big swords comes up, slash, slash, sword trick, sword trick, slash slash, bwa-ha-ha, what are you gonna do about me, Indy? BANG! That's what. End of problem. Oh, and what about that other idiot on the second season of Buffy; "No forged weapon can kill me!!!" No problem, thinks Buffy: Kaboom! HA! Cool episode, BTW. I
Vern by AZJim	Oct 16th, 2003 10:47:10 PM
Vern, Please update your site more frequently. At least post a link to this review, and say something about the Pentagon sending a form letter from Iraq ("this place is awesome!") to a bunch of newspapers and signing the names of a bunch of different American soldiers to it. Now that's scary.
dog will hunt by blue7	Oct 17th, 2003 12:50:27 AM
Good job, Vern - loved the review. I'd like to suggest giving the remake of NOTLD that Savini directed another look before you go all fucking nutzoid and start calling it OK. It may be many things, but OK it certainly ain't. Why Savini put his name on that bowl of toilet chili is beyond me.
Still gonna give it a try by chamberfreak	Oct 17th, 2003 02:46:23 AM
I'm not too familiar with Vern's tastes as I am new to this site but here is what I am going to do. I am a huge horror fan and somewhat of a horror buff so going into the remake I will have major reservations as I love the original. In the same token I will be going in with an open mind as I have purposely avoided watching the original for a long time. I will watch it AFTER I see this remake. Will I hate it? Probably but I will still be open minded about it. Anyway, that was one killer critique of it and one hell of a read. Wish me and my friends luck tomorrow night.
The Getaway by cheisok	Oct 17th, 2003 03:47:19 AM
Didn't they already remake this movie...it's not really worth mentioning but I don't think Vern knows about it. There's something that will never be duplicated about the first movie - Ali McGraw. She was the biggest piece of ass when that movie was made. Mc Queen rocks too.
Another crap review. Sounds like somebody made their mind up bef by Sheamus	Oct 17th, 2003 03:54:10 AM
Sure, TCM is classic horror, but if you can't get past the fact that you're watching a remake before you go to the theatre, then don't bother going.
One more quick thing... by Sheamus	Oct 17th, 2003 03:58:38 AM
... if Bay had remade this scene-for-scene, you'd have slated him. Because he leaves out some of your favourite scenes, you slate him. Don't get me wrong; Bay is no great director. But your obviously clear (and rabid) pre-opinion of this movie makes your comments on it worthless. The original TCM is classic horror, but for the bulk of the moviegoing public it's trash. Badly acted, over-camp, trash. It certainly is not perfect. Haven't this new film, so cannot comment on it directly; but I don't think you really saw it either.
Roger Ebert really kicked this film in the balls. by Graham_Minnesota	Oct 17th, 2003 06:57:09 AM
As it deserved. Who in the hell actually thought that it would be a good idea to remake the "The Texas Chainsaw Massacare." What an indication of how truly sad, pathetic and unimaginative some producers really are. Anyone who even remotely attempts to make the argument that this film should be "given a chance" can go fuck themselves (because they are truly tasteless pieces of shit.) I really like how the local film reviewer here in Minneapolis exclaimed that the only enjoyable element of this film is seeing Harry's decapitated head on a workbench because of Mr. Knowles being such a "schlock shill" when it came to this film.
The link to the article: "... they were cut up with a band saw w by PORKY	Oct 17th, 2003 08:51:31 AM
What a stretch! This was stupid.
by Rawhide Rex	Oct 17th, 2003 10:33:27 AM
Hmmmm Harry...one could argue that you didn't even finish reading the article you linked to. The article specifically states that TCM WAS NOT based on that Travis County case. Is says so right there in the second to last paragraph. The more i read these reviews...the more I think Harry and Co. are useless hacks. Just my opinion.
WRONG AGAIN HARRY by Rawhide Rex	Oct 17th, 2003 10:34:13 AM
Hmmmm Harry...one could argue that you didn't even finish reading the article you linked to. The article specifically states that TCM WAS NOT based on that Travis County case. Is says so right there in the second to last paragraph. The more i read these reviews...the more I think Harry and Co. are useless hacks. Just my opinion.
Harry's head in a pan... by Deepfried	Oct 17th, 2003 03:04:30 PM
First off...beyond TCSM being an incredible piece of trash that I'm actively telling everyone not to see, with every cliche that manistream Hollywood has for a "Horror film" thrown at you (like the "Quick, save the baby!" scene, the "I didn't smoke pot so you know I'll survive this ordeal" scene, or the Dawson's creek dialog circa 1995 written for a movie supposedly set in '72, and so sooo many other things to count), you have Harry Knowles head in a pan in a really bad cameo. I laughed in the theater when I saw this. It explained SO much! The reason my ass was even in that seat was beacuse I had read his review and thought "Oh well, might as well take a look...Knowles thought it was OK...", now I found out why Knowles liked it...he was in this piece of trash! He's such a sell out that I can never believe one of his reviews (Except with Kill Bill, which was a great film)! And to sell out to Hollywood! I thought that Knowles would WANT to see good films made and not perpetuate the Hollywood schlock machine by becoming a Hollywood lackey! To completely sell out over a goddamn CAMEO?!? Come on! I shudder to think what you'd do if someone made him the star of "Charlie Angels 3: Bucket of Shit". Harry...I hope you read this and realize that if you're going to review things to a large group of people, you should be unbiased...otherwise you're Rex Reed...
WHAT!? by brokecopy	Oct 17th, 2003 04:18:33 PM
How can you not like this film? Believe me, I feared it when I heard it... the same as when 'Psycho,' was remade, but i previewed it last night and found it to be superior to the original. I loved the original, but it didn't scare me or nerve me, it intriuged me. This one actually had me nervous and off kilterd. When the R. Lee had the kid play russian roulette, it was fucking intense. I can't wait to read your thoughts on 'Dawn of the Dead.'
superdave, what other big name directors out there do you think by oceansized	Oct 17th, 2003 04:53:19 PM
If Ed Wood came back to life, had access to huge budgets, and a thinly veiled contempt for his audience, you'd more or less have Michael Bay. No other director better personifies the short attention span style of editing and filling up the frame with sound and fury to take the place of story and character development. Pearl Harbor is still one one the worst movie experineces I've ever had. We're talking about a guy who's best work is the Aaron Burr milk commericial.
How could I hate this crappy remake? by Deepfried	Oct 17th, 2003 05:46:42 PM
Simple...it was made inadequatly made for greed alone. Imagine a room in some large building where they make movies. And in this room are executives trying to figure out which movie property to give money to to make. Along comes some producer who remembers how much he/she liked a certain movie as a kid, and how much better he could make it. With his fresh ideas. Bah! Hooper was a hack, I'm an auteur! I made that direct to video movie for Disney last year! So he pitches the idea... The producers agree the film should be made. After all there is a following for it. And a following means "instant revenue in the box-office". The other fresher ideas stink because they're "unproven in certain demographics". Then they get a writer fresh off of his stint on some marginally good/bad WB show about teens with angst. Director? How about that guy who did that hip hop video? Cast? The smiling teen chick who appeals to men and women ages 10 to 35. Wallah! We've got a hit! But they don't. It's poorly done. But that's OK. We went and saw it because it was "Night of the Living Dead" or "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" or "Psycho". We wanted to see how bad it would turn out. It was bad, but they got the money anyway, so the producer, director and all of the other "bottom line" schmucks profit, and we are rewarded with the remake of "The Exorcist" two years later directed by McG and starring everyones favorite sweetheart Hillary Duff. Reviews will be allright becasue Harry Knowles has a cameo on it as Satan's ass, and he'll give it a hearty "Thumbs Up!". I want better films. I'm going abroad now.
Just saw the remake and..... by chamberfreak	Oct 17th, 2003 06:11:19 PM
it's not nearly as good as the original but there are some high points. To me I felt it did attempt to honor Tobe Hooper's original. On it's own it is better than a lot of theatrical horror movies but it is not even close to being up there with the all time greats. For people who are expecting an exact replica of the first one should just remember Psycho. It was a piece of shit. Remakes can sometimes surpass the original. John Carpenter's The Thing is a perfect example. I homestly never liked the original. I loved Carpenter's remake. When a studio decides to remake a classic you can't expect it to be the same shot for shot. That's just ridiculous if you think about it. Yes I am defending the remake but I am also saying that if you are going to watch it wait until it is on DVD or see it at a matinee. The theatre where I go to has a $3.75 Early Bird showing for movies Monday through Friday so it was actually cheaper for me to see it in the theatre than to wait until it's out for rental. A lot of people though seemed to enjoy this movie. Whenever I go to one of the Early Bird showings there's only a handful of people and most of them are seniors. Not today. You had a nearly packed theatre with many die hard TCM fans. Some hated it. Most like it. I was in the middle. I could take it or leave it. At least my TCM DVD came in the mail today so I have something to look forward to tonight. BTW, the people I went with actually liked this just as much as the original. The one thing we agreed on was that a lot of the black humor was taken out but it helped set the tone of the movie. So if you are contemplating on seeing it go into it thinking it's just a new interpretation of the story. It will help. Out of five stars I give this movie between two and a half and three stars.
I want to fuck Jessica Biel in the ass so bad by super Cucaracha	Oct 17th, 2003 07:53:48 PM
that I don't give a fuck about negative reviews. I am still going to watch it...Fuck Roger Ebert anyways!!!
Obviously not original, but a worthy "Studio" version by Frylock	Oct 17th, 2003 10:27:46 PM
Okay....i just saw the film in question, the 2003 "remake" of TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE... other than the fact that there is a group of kids, a Leatherface character, and a family of crazies...it is nothing like the original, BUT the new film is a worthy big-budget remake. Is it as original as Tobe Hooper's film? Of course not, but is it better than most of the slasher films in the last 10 years? Hell Yes! (CABIN FEVER included!!! that flick sucked!) In the new film, the cinematography is very well done...albeit too stylized in my opinion....the acting is actually very good for what it is...the kids are actually very believable....R. Lee Ermy is sooooooooo good! very convincing and creepy! and Leatherface is more of a Freddy Kruger-kind of character, showing up even when logic says he probably wouldn't, but in the context of this film it works because that is what this film is....less of a realistic-horror as the original and more of a predictable slasher....but for what it is, it is top-notch....the gore is more-so than the original, but it didn't get too over-the-top like Hooper's campy follow-up TEXAS CHAINSAW 2....and it is much better than that horrid film TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: NEXT GENERATION..... For the most part, i agree with Harry....scary....it gets your heart racing as much as a good Jason or Freddy movie.....and the element of good acting and lush cinematography certainly helps, but it is a shame that it isn't what it could have been (and what we have all been hoping it could have been)....
The original Chainsaw is terrible... by Orange Brat	Oct 18th, 2003 01:11:44 AM
This new one is 10 times better. I hate the original, but this is a work of modern day pop art. Screw the original Chainsaw, all hail the new reimagining.
Godzilla '98, Planet of the Apes '01, and Texas Chainsaw Massacr by Dark Knight Lite	Oct 18th, 2003 02:25:23 AM
So much in common. GARBAGE.
The mystery of the missing nipples by Press Lenox	Oct 18th, 2003 01:45:28 PM
I saw this dog fuck of a movie last night, here's a question, where are Jessica Biel's nipples? Seriously, she is soaking wet, shivering, in just a tank top and no nipples. Even when she is in the meat freezer hiding they are AWOL. Just one of the many mysteries of the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Simply Bad by morphous12	Oct 18th, 2003 03:27:59 PM
TCM 2003 is above all, a bad movie. Although difficult, I decided to put aside my love of the original and view this objectively. Regardless of doing so, this movie is still awful. The screenplay was atrocious, and I believe that's how this movie ended up being as god-awful as it is. The situations and motivations are ridiculous. The screenplay is just really bad. Although the direction is okay, it could not rise above the awful screenplay. And why all the Blair Witch stuff? (Blair Meat Co. ?)Absurd! But I have to admit, the movie did look pretty good. As a remake, the original still stands fierce and strong. Whereas the original was a powerful and horrific film - a film with strong underlying metaphorical and psychological themes - this new film settles for a run of the mill horror film formula, and cranks it out without regard for the clever nuances of the original. The original was nowhere near as gory as this mess of a remake. The original did not depend on an onslaught of gore to be effective, horrific, and powerful. And I was really surprised to see Tobe Hooper listed as co-producer. I wonder why he would take part in any way with the desecration of his work.
STOP BEING SO IGNORANT by TraderInDeath	Oct 19th, 2003 11:01:49 PM
In this review you complain that this is a shitty remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. However, this is not intended to be a remake - instead it is a different take on the plot/story.
On my ignorance by Vern	Oct 19th, 2003 11:38:54 PM
Okay then, it was a shitty take on the same story or plot, then. Which I thought was the same as a shitty remake but I guess you're the one with the dictionary. Thanks for the clarification or whatever that was there, bud. your friend Vern
Vern is right on the money by IAmLegolas	Oct 21st, 2003 01:18:18 AM
Anyone who disagrees is full of sh*t. You are the reason why cr@p like this keeps getting made and you guys end up making it #1 over the weekend which will probably spawn a remake of the sequel and I hate you for it. God damn you all to hell !!!

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Vern massacres the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE!

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