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NEILL CUMPSTON IS THE FIRST PERSON ON THE PLANET TO REVIEW MATRIX RELOADED!! HOLD ONTO YOUR SACK!!

this can't be real... by TheMatarife	May 1st, 2003 02:52:13 AM
No way.
First by Waspo	May 1st, 2003 02:52:33 AM
Ha, ha, anyway, this movie is going to rock. Go see it, multiple times.
Not First by Waspo	May 1st, 2003 02:53:09 AM
I'm not first... That's okay, the movie is still going to rock.
I have never been the first, but how I am... by Alan Felix	May 1st, 2003 02:53:23 AM
Oh boy.
This Movie Will FUCK X2's shit UP by HotSmurfChowder	May 1st, 2003 02:53:41 AM
BTW, how long is the car chase sequence?
So You Liked The Movie? by Bald Evil	May 1st, 2003 02:58:49 AM
That was a good review. :) I can't wait to see this movie, and I hope Neil isn't sitting behind me during it.
What the hell?? by Alan Felix	May 1st, 2003 02:58:55 AM
I know AICN has loyal reviewers....and that's great if they get the good scoops. But, aside from Harry's review of Blade 2, that is the most incomprehesible crap I have ever TRIED to read. Sorry, Moriarty. I know you can do better, as I am a loyal reader. But what the hell is that??
Yay. by Cowface	May 1st, 2003 03:01:51 AM
Excellent, excellent. Movie is looking good. Also, great review Neil. One thing is tearing me apart and smearing my guts on a banana split, though. Why does Jada-Pinkett Smith look like a man...?
What the hell was that??? by smiddyboy	May 1st, 2003 03:03:50 AM
WORST REVIEW EVER. A monkey bashing at a keyboard could make more sense than that.
I don't trust studios that... by iihito	May 1st, 2003 03:04:47 AM
I don't trust studios that choose retards (or retard-facsimiles) to be the first to review their movies.
Harry Here: RE: Is The Review Real? Did Neill Cumpston Really S by HEADGEEK	May 1st, 2003 03:05:43 AM
Yes. It is true. Neill saw the movie at a screening that has taken place. Moriarty and I confirmed the screening's existence, we had others that saw it, but they wouldn't come forward. Neill Cumpston was going to be a chickenshit pussy till I called him a pussy and told him he was a raisin of a geek if he didn't fucking throw down, THE BOY THREW DOWN. What type of review is that? That's the review of a man that loved the film with every ounce of his geek body. I think it is fairly obvious that he's trying to give you the visceral thrill of what it is like to be hit by a semi load of heroin just in your eyes. At least that's how I'm interpretating it. But he's got to be full of shit... No way this touches X2. No Way. X2 has Nightcrawler. Nightcrawler owns the planet.
X-Men is going to be closer than you think. by sparticusmaximus	May 1st, 2003 03:08:11 AM
This review reinforces the weakness of THE MATRIX: Style and kick ass action sacrificing SUBSTANCE. For fucks sake, the reviewer almost dozed off between action set-pieces. Not a good sign.
What the...? by Christopher_atUC	May 1st, 2003 03:08:53 AM
I'm looking forward to this movie, of course. But this is the worst review I have ever read. This guy can't write more than one sentence without using some lame and screwed-up analogy that doesn't tell me anything. I get the idea that he liked the movie, but I understood that after the first crazy paragraph. I would have rather had a serious review of the film, about it's true coolness, groundbreaking effects or entertaining story, instead of a rambling gush of funky, uninformative analogies. He uses the "like" comparison about 15 times in this single review. All I know about the movie now, aside from what I've seen in the trailers, is that this guy really liked it. But I'm not overwhelmed with confidence knowing that this guy liked the movie.
worlds best review by tsnbrody1	May 1st, 2003 03:10:48 AM
If the movie is half as good as the review, I will shit.
Yes, for a mess of review that was, god damn it was funny by The Yodeler	May 1st, 2003 03:11:45 AM
Something about reading this insane review after spending the last straight 10 hours studying for finals just made me burst out laughing. Seriously, how could you not? The guy is way to over excited, and I think he missed his Ritalin. But god dammit, I am insanely jealous that he got to watch the movie before any of us. And you all are too!
of all the people who had to see 'reloaded' first, why'd it have by tommy5tone	May 1st, 2003 03:11:49 AM
jesus christ! this cumdumpster guy is a third-rate knockoff of joe hallenbeck, and every part of his piss-poor review made me want to PUKE BLOOD (TM bill hicks)!!! you guys better hurry up and provide harry and mori's takes on 'reloaded' so i can wash the feces flavour of this lame diatribe from my mouth. all that aside, this movie does look and sound way fucking cool.
Three Words by LastDragon	May 1st, 2003 03:14:07 AM
Greatest. Review. Ever.
Great. Now can we have a coherent review, please? by Noriko Takaya	May 1st, 2003 03:14:55 AM
Just askin'.
i read just the beginning but... by TenDeuChen	May 1st, 2003 03:16:26 AM
I can't wait to see the trailer for revoloutions...ie...MATRIX: YOU WILL SHIT lol!!! X2 tomorrow!!!
Don't you guys see what Harry is doing? He's just hyping this mo by kdashf	May 1st, 2003 03:16:48 AM
Am I the only one that sees the pattern of Harry here. First he complains last week that he doesn't understand why he gets no invites to the Cannes Reloaded premiere on May 14th. Then all of a sudden the Wachowskis are cocky arrogant fucks." Frankly at some levels I'm a little on the edge of getting tired of CG kung fu." What the hell has that to do with the Matrix as a whole. If everyone decides to cash in on the Matrix CG or Kung Fu blame the shitty films. Just think about this one second. On a $65 million budget the brothers changed the way films are viewed and brought life back to the aging science fiction market. CG and Kung Fu were used as bait to lure you into the seats while they integrated philosophical and religous themes to try to better the viewers views on life. Now with the budget doubled and free creative freedom to let them compose whatever is in those heads how can they fail. Sure they could have gotten cocky and fucking dropped the ball but thats doubtful. How often were they bragging on TV or in mags about how they changed the movie experience? None they told the press to fuck off and were planning the sequels quitely. Please do not use your personal issues to create conflict with 2 movies who probably have very different themes and target audiences.
This review kicked ass by Silvio Dante	May 1st, 2003 03:17:05 AM
No it didn't. While nice attempt at humour, it's just spoiler-filled cataloque of fight scenes. Informative on the surface level only. Yes, we will all see this stuff in the theatre so why would we want to read it beforehand? Harry tried this approach with the pussyeating routine in his infamous Blade II article. This review was scoop equivalent to talkback FIRST! posters. And criticising movie reviews is kinda for wankers too, so I stop now.
Neill is the sexiest tomboy beanpole on the planet! by RobTheIdiot	May 1st, 2003 03:18:39 AM
Yeah, I had to say it. The movie looks really good and I laughed out loud on this review. Way to go, Neill! I have a hard time thinking that X2 will beat Matrix on the coolness geek spectrometer doohicky. Oh, and by the way, blah, blah, blah, I'm first, Harry's fat, and LOTR is better than Star Wars. Just pick your everyday motto and go with it...
Who the fuck cares... it's more of the same shit, worthless piec by elwen	May 1st, 2003 03:19:21 AM
nt
Worst review ever by neo1000	May 1st, 2003 03:28:26 AM
This guy is the worst reviewer on the fucken planet. I've wasted 10 minutes of my fucken life reading this shit. Dam you NEILL CUMPSTON --- you fucken prick.
I stopped reading after the first 2 paragraphs... by IFartOnYourGrave	May 1st, 2003 03:32:42 AM
Harry... I'm not asking for Hemingway but Jesus the last thing I want to read is a review that sounds like a 15 year old wrote it. You've got more class than that...
so... by Daenerys	May 1st, 2003 03:37:15 AM
i'm assuming that all this shit means it's gonna be a good movie. and i'm assuming all this ass-kicking is gonna look good on IMAX. it damn well better. fuck regular theatres. fuck may 15. i'm waiting to see this movie the only way. over the top in over the top. uh...neill REALLY liked it right? i didn't miss anything?
I can read spoilers and make up a review like that by Lightwave7871	May 1st, 2003 03:38:06 AM
only my review wouldn't use the word fuck, would make sense and wouldnt be a lie.... I mean for crying out loud, I glazed over after the third paragraph.... this could quite possibly be the most dull read in existance after Lord of the rings.
Get thee, Neill Cumpston, to a writing class. by Dr. Eddie Jessup	May 1st, 2003 03:41:17 AM
Coherence is a real biggie to strive for next time out, my son. Ah well, I'm sure they'll cover the concept with you next year in 10th grade. HARRY: Is it too much to ask for writers that can turn in something that's not infantile, emotionally stunted dreck??? Oooops. forgot who penned the "Blade II" review. ehe...
Holy...Fucking...Shit etc. - Don't slag the review. by Henry's Cat	May 1st, 2003 03:42:07 AM
The kid is enthusiastic for pete's sakes, won't you be writing and feeling something similar when you go and see it? I have to say I loved the idea of Neo kicking Jake and Elwood, it did give a new perspective to what's been on the trailers. Can't wait!
Best Review EVER by Terry Cloth-Robe	May 1st, 2003 03:48:26 AM
I regrettably agree with Harry & Moriarty, two of the biggest twats in the world, this review friggin ROCKS. He totally captured the quantum essence of the pure movie-going experience. As an avid filmgoer and active filmmaker, I personally hate the routine spoilers, the piddly-ass, blow-by-blow retelling of plot, the hackneyed armchair quarterbacking, the quasi-filmschool character psychoanalysis... FUCK ALL THAT. Gimme the juice you goddamn PUSSIES! And this Neil guy did just that... and made me cry with laughter to boot. All y'all that wanna hate on a guy who just gave u the best & most entertaining review of a movie, just go ahead and SHUT THE FUCK UP. You're that special kind of dork that would rather have your best buddy describe what it was like sloppy-fucking your girlfriend, rather than doing the deed yourself. And he writes better than most of u too. HAHAHAHA!!!!
Murphus? It's Morpheus you stupid piece of shit. by Regis Travolta	May 1st, 2003 03:55:04 AM
Murphus sounds like some idiotic cartoon dimwit goofball oh wait a minute that describes Neill Cumstain to a T doesn't it? My bad.
is this a review or an advertisement for ritalin... or is it jus by BEARison Ford	May 1st, 2003 03:59:53 AM
probably all three. ugh.
virgin by claydon	May 1st, 2003 04:00:36 AM
I have never used one of these talk back things, I have never felt the need. However I do think that this is one of the worst reviews I have ever read. Aint it cool news is usually 'the site' for the latest news and comment, therefore it came as quite a surprise to see such nonsense posted on your normally excellent site. This review reads like the ramblings of a drunk teenager rather than comment from someone who has any knowledge or pasion for film and film making, which I am sure the reviewer has. Still... looking foward to seeing the film anyway.
fuckin spot on by imageburn13	May 1st, 2003 04:09:09 AM
good review neil cumdumpster
The death of coherence by newkie brown	May 1st, 2003 04:17:02 AM
Can Ain't It Cool please, please start editing 'reviews' like this, and can Mr. Cumpston please, please start taking Lithium?
HE STILL LISTENS TO DIO!?!?! by ToxicEnema	May 1st, 2003 04:19:04 AM
I couldn't read the review after these words were read. Its less embarrassing to still listen to Warrant.
That review was hillarious by pogo on my own	May 1st, 2003 04:25:54 AM
I swear Neils reviews may be incoherent at times, and childish all the time. He is damn funny, and if you stuffed shirts cant appreciate this review then I feel for ya. Loosen up, it seems like everyone that reviews a movie here is either labled a Plant or an Idiot.
LOTR and MR Jackson by Teej	May 1st, 2003 04:35:18 AM
ok after reading this i have just realised something! all of the awards next year are gonna be bloody close! i mean consider the films out, X2, HULK, Both Matrix's, and the 3rd lord of the rings! man my hope of MR Jackson getting what he deserves (an oscar maybe) are getting deminished! don't get me wrong i am gonna love the matrix i loved the first one, but i really hope LOTR rocks, if only so it can get some worthwhile awards next year! But still everyfilm is gonna rock, and i so can't wait for the the next 3 months+! it is gonna be a hell of a ride! TJ out
A useless and incoherent review. by FrankDrebin	May 1st, 2003 04:49:54 AM
1% information, 99% hyperbole. I'm not even certain he saw the movie. Is this guy trying to imitate Jamie Kennedy?
re neil cumpsters 'stoopid' review. by hiscore	May 1st, 2003 04:50:26 AM
two words, irony.
holy? by ChickenGeorgeVII	May 1st, 2003 04:53:00 AM
HOLY FUCKING FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY WIZZ WIZZ JESUS IN A TORTILLA LANG BANG BOOM! THIS WAS THE ONION SOUP MIX BURGERS OF REVIEWS! LOTS OF POWDER....(very little meat)...did he see it or see the HBO special on the "Making of"?.....And thus, I have spoken! - - - George, The 7th Chicken!!!!
I declare national kill a straight geek day! by defragmentor	May 1st, 2003 05:04:47 AM
Hey, I'm just following God's plan.
he doesn't get what the first movie was about? by rygel	May 1st, 2003 05:06:11 AM
i never read a review as bad as this.what a jerk.he cannot remember names or even comprehen the story of the first matrix.Harry,you really shouldn't post every shit on your site. i'll wait for a real review of the movie.
Rate My Poo by Rate My Poo	May 1st, 2003 05:06:20 AM
www.ratemypoo.com
ronnie james.... by ChickenGeorgeVII	May 1st, 2003 05:06:28 AM
...dio. 'nuff said. NAH NAH NAH BAMP NAH NAH NAH NAH - SLAM BANP BANP BANP BANP BANP BANP BANP! SLEW WANK WANK SLANK WANK SLANK BAMP BAMP! "HOLY DEVIL TAKE CARE OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" BLAMP BAMP BAMP BLAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP! BOODLE SLAMP WAMP WAMP WAMP SLAMP SLAMP SLAMP SLAMP! "AND ALL THE DEVILS MINION'S WILL TAKE US TO THE PLACE WHERE WE ALL WILL GET TO ROCK AT OUR PACE!" SLAMP SLAMP SLAMP - BAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP! WALLA SLAMP SLAMP SLAMP! WAMP WAMP WAMP WAMP!...And thus, everyone on this side scream! - - - George, The 7th Chicken!!!!
That guy writes like and ADD kid on speed by cheesus_ok?	May 1st, 2003 05:07:47 AM
and I loved it! If I want to read wordy dissertations on movies, I'll read Ebert. BUT, when I need a good kick in the balls, I find Neil. Way to go man.
Now Your Sucking Diesel Lads by Hachi-Dan	May 1st, 2003 05:08:48 AM
even if we weren't talking about the matrix here, i can honestly say that i would pay to see any movie that wouild make a reviewer act like such a completly insane muppet. So lads give him a break, we should all be so lucky to enjoy a film that much.
Thats the worst fucking review Ive ever read by DipStickTW	May 1st, 2003 05:09:00 AM
Seriously, when did start hiring 13 year old virgins to do your reviews for you. Especially a review for a movie as big as the sequel to Matrix. God damn.
I wonder... by cheesus_ok?	May 1st, 2003 05:10:51 AM
Neil's writing style is very familiar. Go here http://realultimatepower.net/ and click on the [PumpUp] link. Am I right? Maybe we'll never know...
without a doubt the best review I have ever read on this site. by Mr Brownstone	May 1st, 2003 05:21:30 AM
this guy is some kind of mongoloid genius. like the bastard child of Charro and Hunter S. Thompson.
What a dumb, fanboy prick....... by DukeTheBastard	May 1st, 2003 05:22:47 AM
....yeah right, you wish. This fuckhead reviewer hasn't even seen this movie, only pieced together info. This site goes down the drain every day, forever more....... Matrix has the worst fucking fans on this universe.
hmm ok by vilkit	May 1st, 2003 05:23:24 AM
this is the worst film review i've ever read. i'm sure the film will be great but the review was horrible sorry it just was.
But that one line was classic. by Azlam Orlandu	May 1st, 2003 05:33:22 AM
Hell I'm actually thinking about listening to Dio with headphones during the film. It's got to beat out that crap-ass-generic 90's wannabe-crow soundtrack attempt number 4 billion this year that the film is stuck with. Here I am in the house of professional critics and it saddens me that so many of you can't see the rip-off bullshit that the Matrix is throwing at you. Why do I even read these articles?
Reload by Filmflipper20	May 1st, 2003 05:38:23 AM
Loved the surferchick part... But what a moron...
Worst. Review. Ever. by Swarmy	May 1st, 2003 06:02:04 AM
Stupid.
A Bold New Re-Imagining of A Movie Review Classic by AliceInWonderlnd	May 1st, 2003 06:19:34 AM
Sorry, I laughed my ass off. I don't know if it is more or less funny if Neil Cumpston really is as much of a dumbass as is presented here. I suspect it's a put-on, but still, I was amused. I expect to be indulging in lots of heavy petting with The Matrix Reloaded before ROTK comes out. (Does happy little geeky dance).
Hmmm by Bobness	May 1st, 2003 06:40:21 AM
Gee, I think he's excited. I don't care how well the guy spells or writes...he's obviously impressed with the whole thing, and I think I will be to. X^2 today....bring it on ;)
The is not one the first review of the Matrix Reloaded on the Pl by Rogue_Leader	May 1st, 2003 06:45:02 AM
Boy Harry a little desperate to get a review of this movie aren't we? Apparently you decided to lower your standards to recieve this drek. What makes it even more pathetic is as disoriented as it is it is not much worse than some of your "reviews".
kdashf by Daegor	May 1st, 2003 06:55:21 AM
"CG and Kung Fu were used as bait to lure you into the seats while they integrated philosophical and religous themes to try to better the viewers views on life." You are joking right? The matrix was a good movie and all, but come on . All of the "philosophical and religious themes" are pretty much a superficial hodge-podge of eastern thought with a dash of messianic apocalypse thrown in for good measure. These movies do not exactly delve very deep into the material. Don't get me wrong, I like the first one, and will probably see this one. However, let's not paint the Wachowskis as Moses on the mountain, or Buddha at the Bodhi.
I think they should make 'The Matrix A-Go-Go" with Adam West as by mbaker	May 1st, 2003 06:57:25 AM
"To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human, brother!"
ER....KEANU REAVES......DERPEE DER!!!!! by Snake-eyes	May 1st, 2003 06:59:01 AM
Er....Keanu Reeves......Derptee der!! Derpee Derpetee Derpee der, until one day, a Derp a Derp a Derpee Der!!! Derptee Der, Ta Tiddlee Tum! From the creators of Der, and Tum Ta Tiddlee Tum Ta Too, Keanu Reeves is...Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetlee Durpee Durpee Dumb! Rated PG-13! Yes, his review made as much sense as mine!
Prose, meet Neill Cumpston. He's going to have his way with you by Nordling	May 1st, 2003 07:16:44 AM
That... was beautiful. Holy fucking shit indeed.
sad by cybertank	May 1st, 2003 07:19:30 AM
It is so SAD that an idiot like this got to see the movie. I couldn't read the review past the first paragraph. Is this person twelve?
No, Waspo. You're not first. But, on the up side, we all still t by Dog Of Mystery	May 1st, 2003 07:21:37 AM
Goddamn...Is it just me, or has Mr. Cumpston outdone Harry in the unnecessary hyperbole department?
Question? by SimplyBritish	May 1st, 2003 07:25:06 AM
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm? Does anyone know where the toilet is?
this review...... by BYOBkenobi	May 1st, 2003 07:41:26 AM
....sucked. I didn't even finish reading it. Harry, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU POSTING THESE DAYS? Just because this is supposedly the first internet scoop review of Reloaded, DOESN"T mean you have to post it. Now, if I had no previous knowledge of this film after seeing the first one, and my decision to see this movie was to be solely based on this review alone, I would probably pass. Whatever happened to a good review? Whatever happened to comprehensible reviews that delved into plot and acting and score, etc... This site has gone WAY down hill. I come here for spoilers and thats about it, being that Harry has relinquished creative writing control to readers who write more about movies with comparisons to sexual functions and food (Harry). I've been with this site BEFORE talkback, BEFORE this gay Harry animation, BEFORE this site was about ME, ME, ME, ME (Harry). The site has gone downhill man, admit it..........
Oh, my god... by Ludwig Curious	May 1st, 2003 07:43:05 AM
This idiot, this trailer park trash... HIS review is the first one of the best movie of 2003?! What the fuck... Can you even call this a review?
next time.... by Mr D	May 1st, 2003 07:43:28 AM
Can we have the review written in plain english please? (and not by a moron preferably). Thanks.
Hey... what's will all of the ADD bashing?!? by antonphd	May 1st, 2003 07:43:28 AM
That was a crazy funny review. What I think was great about it was it's rapid fire over the top silliness. Same thing that makes me laugh my ass off when watching the Simpsons (I like everything else too) but it's the speed and audacity that really keep me rolling. This kind of humor is smarter than some of you realize too. He had layers of jokes coming at you in that review. From the obvious to the very subtle all inter-weaved into making his points and making us laugh. Not polished, but real... just like after a great movie when you're telling the friend who didn't see it with you how great it was and how much they need to see it. Real... is what I think keeps me coming back to this site... the reviews still feel real. By the way... the first rule of great writing is: first you learn the rules and then you break them. All great writing broke the rules. Everyone of you out there who complains that Spielberg and Ford and other greats have lost their passion... they stopped breaking the rules... and they did it because their rule breakin' often doesn't get appreciated until after their work didn't make a ton of money. Man this turned into a ramble. Ah.. it's 4:43 am. Time for me to stop working.
If the movie is anything like the review. No, wait, it will suc by Atticus Finch	May 1st, 2003 07:56:50 AM
From what I could tell from that incoherent "review", The Shitrix:Retarded is basically like the first: A few cool fights, but the rest just plain sucks. I'll be happily seeing X2 again the night this steaming load comes out.
fucken? by Buio Omega	May 1st, 2003 08:06:31 AM
fucken? fucken?? fucking prick must be from PA.
the underbelly of the nation speaks by sutherland	May 1st, 2003 08:13:48 AM
That review is a classic-I could feel the poor illiterate bugger searching for an appropriate analogy to express his feelings-AND HE DID ADMIRABLY-so back it up all you who criticise-at least the guy had the bottle to do it. God Bless America-and God Bless that reviewer for thinking America went to war with Egypt. WHAT A COUNTRY!
OKAY... THAT'S FRIGGING IT!!! by Zone Zero	May 1st, 2003 08:25:10 AM
I'm GOING to open you guy's cranium shortly, cause when I get to see X@, then Matrix: Reloaded, I WILL SEND A REVIEW! I gotta teach you monkeys who's GOD. After I drop by MOAB quality reviews, you guys will want more of Zone Zero. BELEE DAT. TRY AND CATCH ME, BIIAATTCCHH!
rest assured, I WILL be listening to Dio on headphones. by Elgyn6655321	May 1st, 2003 08:28:05 AM
Because I ALWAYS do.
Nice of the Wachowski brothers... by GilesT	May 1st, 2003 08:29:10 AM
...to hold an advance preview at a 'special' school. Sarcasm aside, I seem to remember this guy getting equally enthused at Blade II, which frankly didn't live up to his hype in the end. That's not to say that Reloaded won't be mind-blowing, 'cause I mean....how could it not be?
Why dont we all make up...... by Lightwave7871	May 1st, 2003 08:30:03 AM
....reviews about films that no one has seen yet and just stick loads of expletives in to make it sound like we were impressed by the film.... So to get the ball rolling I'd like to submit the following review harry..... _____________ The Hulk - Big Green Cock Just Fucks My Mind... _____________ I mean its just fuckin whacked, big fuckin dogs, radiation like oh. my. god. fuckin' big guy he is da bomb... and his babe whoah shes like fuckin hotter than the fuckin FX, and the Tank Swinging scene FUCK YA..... The Hulk Fuckin rocks and I saw it I did I did I did I did.... Its Fuckin fucked... and It makes ya cum harder than having four fuckin virgins leaping on ya wanger.... Fuck Yeah, Anthrax RULLLLLLLLLZ _______________ ahem Anyway feel free to post this up as a quality review guys.... its an exclusive* *damn I forgot the three hundred exclamation marks!
No more juvenile fanboy reviews please! by JRRT	May 1st, 2003 08:47:18 AM
This qualifies as the worst written review I have ever seen on AICN -- and that's saying a lot. This review does NOT make me want to see the film at all -- it makes the movie seem like a bunch of fight scenes with no substance. Perhaps that's what it is, but I'll wait for a review that actually uses the English language in a coherent manner. Man, I hate the comic-book-fanboy-wet-dream aspects of some of this website...
Erm. WTF? by EvilNight	May 1st, 2003 08:55:12 AM
Ok, that was funny, but it wasn't a review. It's useless for feeling out the film. Shit, I could have written a better review than that and I haven't even seen the film yet. Someone get Moriarty's ass into a theather and show him this thing so I can read a real review of this movie. If Mori's review reads like this then I'll understand. ;)
What in the blue fuck is wrong with you people? by BigTed	May 1st, 2003 08:55:55 AM
Is it really that hard to comprehend irony? The fact that this review may NOT be the single greatest aggregation of assumed persona and sarcasm in the history of the fucking world is only minutely more frightening a concept than the fact that 95% of AintItCool talkbackers are that fucking stupid as to take something so absurd as verbatim opinion. Jesus, he says "Fuck you for not supporting us against Egypt"... if that's readily acceptable to you as an American opinion on the war, then you need a punch in the neck.
User I.D. Indeed please give us a parody song of this here idiot by Regis Travolta	May 1st, 2003 08:57:39 AM
Also my Russian mail order bride should have been here by now, have any of you guys gotten her by mistake? Her name is Tatiana and she's drop dead gorgeous, here's what she looks like, copy and paste this address and go to: http://7shlUgPCSmE88tTP.com@3m v28j04.net@www.q6.com@www.meet arussiandate.com/index.html?ri mage_id=542 it's essential she get here in time to see this damn Matrix movie.
Reviews like this are why I come to AICN! by Beddy Sidious	May 1st, 2003 08:58:09 AM
Rock on, Cumpston. And young geeks out there, have faith. Intellect : earning potential : hot chicks. It just takes 'em a little while (say, mid-to-late 20s) to figure it out.
Too bad it's not true, he has NOT seen the movie by Specter22	May 1st, 2003 08:59:37 AM
(I originally posted this on my site, MatrixFans.net) - Aint-It-Cool-News has posted the "first review" of the Matrix Reloaded. It's full of foul language, but it's a smashing review...if only there were evidence that it were true. As it stands, there hasn't been a single screening of Reloaded anywhere. What I have heard from those in the know, I.E. people that work for the Wachowski Brothers, is that not even critics may get a review screening of Reloaded before the 15th of May. This makes it PRETTY hard for some chump to see Reloaded on April 30th. Secondly, this could be a review written based on the infamous Scriptment by Jon Blaze 2000. The fact is that, if you read the scriptment and watch EVERY trailer and commercial, you can right a review of the movie just like this guys "review" at AICN. As it stands, I find his credibility lacking, and feel that this is a publicity stunt of AICN's. I wouldn't buy into this one.
Joe Bob Rules! by Spikes Brain	May 1st, 2003 09:10:42 AM
Much love to whoever name-checked Joe Bob! "Dumb" smart reviews are a movie tradition--they tell you what you want to hear, while the film school geeks are droning on about the damn dolly shot in Goodfellas. I say leave Neill alone, but then I still laugh out loud at every Hulk Hogan reference, and everything Chicken George writes. Can't we all just get along (brother)?
Fallout Boy by Specter22	May 1st, 2003 09:13:16 AM
Whoops! Thanks for pointing out the typo. I wrote that thing at 3:30 AM. Just copied and pasted it here. I fixed it in the original writing on MFN.
Fucking Drooling Moron by krondinelli	May 1st, 2003 09:15:24 AM
He doesn't know what the words "anomaly" and "exile" mean? This guy is living proof of the intellectual decay of American society. He doesn't even understand the fucking movie he's watching. It's all about "ass kicking". Is this guy retarded? I mean, I am amazed that he even knew how to operate a computer to write this review. It's because of people like him that Hollywood turns out so much excrement. Unlike most Hollywood shit, the Matrix has an interesting, intelligent story, and this mental midget didn't even get it. Harry's movie reviews are often grammatical train wrecks, but at least he understands the movies he's watching.
Blah blah blah.. by Sith42	May 1st, 2003 09:16:39 AM
I agree.. I'm less hyped for Matrix, cause it's just going to be another Episode I. Characters don't progress, they just endure whatever is going on around them, just so they can get to the next fight scene. X2 is SO gonna rule the summer.. At least until the Hulk :) Still, that line about beat-downs and fiddle faddle.. I'll give you points for that. The rest? Blah. Oh, and btw.. Trinity dies. Morpheus betrays them. Zion likely goes down like a Taiwanese hooker by movie's end. Neo has to decide if he reboots the Matrix, and kill all those plugged into it. -T
So there is actually 5 ass-kickings by ATARI	May 1st, 2003 09:17:33 AM
Being the anal-retentive SOB I am, I couldn't help but notice there were two #2 ass-kickings. Oh, yeah, an ass kicking #6 is when I go see this fucker in two weeks!
My Man Neilllll by Buck_Turgidson	May 1st, 2003 09:19:21 AM
For all of you handjobs who actually think that our buddy Neill is actually a 15-year old dork writing from the family rec room, you actually deserve to go see the Real Cancun expecting soft-core porn again. Ask yourself--are they handing out Matrix 2 preview passes to random pimply fanboys now? Neill, bless his brilliant soul, is the concoction of someone who has read this talkback and knows how it sounds. Then he ratchets it up 10,000%. The man is a genius. Hats off. Keep those reviews coming--what's really funny are those talkbackers who are slagging you for being "fucken" illiterate.
Tourette's Syndrome is not cool, m'kay? by Silver_Joo	May 1st, 2003 09:21:10 AM
My god, that was the worst review since Harry's foray into soft porn with Guillermo, for Blade 2. Reloaded sounds like the first on, which suffered from 40 minutes of dull exposition in between journeys into the matrix. I have no doubt, the 'ass kicking' as you so elegantly put it will be exciting and rewarding, but a trilogy needs a story. Even Star Wars had that. I will take Star Wars over this anyday, purely because it has a vision and a story to tell. Lucas keeps you hooked, as opposed to letting you tune out just because there is no moment of 'holy fucking shit' anytime soon. And shoulod we really be trusting a guy that could not get the plot of The Matrix, it was not rocket science.
Dumbest fucking review on AICN ever! by Dragonarm	May 1st, 2003 09:21:17 AM
How can such a dipshit see the movie so early? What a waste of space on AICN!
This guy... by poster_nutbag	May 1st, 2003 09:24:39 AM
Sounds like Dennis Miller after a lifetime of sniffing glue
I'm picturing the guy in Back to School that comes out of Melon' by Retrace	May 1st, 2003 09:28:02 AM
Great review - Neill doesn't try to make himself out to be better than the reader. Breath of fresh air.
reload this by Hud	May 1st, 2003 09:28:31 AM
hello? can i let go of my sack yet?
Well for one thing.. by Specter22	May 1st, 2003 09:30:17 AM
Anyone could do some looking, come up with the JB Scriptment, then watch all the Commercials, and trailers, and write that. Notice how he "doesn't understand" the scenes that have "a lot of dialogue." What I should like to know from him is, "HOW THE HECK DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND IT!" This movie is very deep like the first one, I know, but it's VERY STRAIGHT FORWARD with everything. It looks to me like this guy doesn't know what is in those scenes, or doesn't want to just copy the JB Scriptment outright. Next up, he talks about scenes in the movie that we all know about from the trailers, but NOTHING that has been glimsed in the short flashes in the trailers. There is really nothing about what Agent Smith does, which I will mark with HUGE SPOILER WARNING HERE! [SPOILERS]Entering the real world though a crew member[/SPOILER] END OF SPOILER. Had he even seen the movie, he would have mentioned that and more about what happens to Zion. This review would be an easy one to write, but it is so incoherent, that you might think it real, and that this guy is NOT lying, but he's severely over dramatic through the whole thing. It's a rambling mess of a "review." And reveals nothing that we don't already know.
It's SATIRE, kids.... by oneragga	May 1st, 2003 09:38:02 AM
Cumpston's reviews are satire. And pretty fucking funny as well. I'll take his stream of conciousness rambling analogies over Dennis Miller any day and twice on Sunday. It got the point across; he liked the movie, he didn't spoil it, and he made me laugh my arse off. And I have an English degree. ( I just can't type for shite). Rock on Neil, if I wanted a classy, Masterpiece Theatre description of the cinematography and performances, I'd go jerk off Richard Corliss. I got your message, partner, Keep 'em coming....
Pants, meet shit! by Cruel Shoes	May 1st, 2003 09:51:15 AM
This movie will suck. Neal Cumpston has a beer and cheats on his Tomboy beanpole. Nah. Bong. Snoogans.
Pants, meet shit! by Cruel Shoes	May 1st, 2003 09:52:49 AM
This movie will suck. Neal FIRST! Cumpston has a beer and cheats on his Tomboy beanpole. Nah. Bong. Snoogans.
That was the most obnoxious fucking review I've ever read. by Sea Bass	May 1st, 2003 09:59:18 AM
Someone kick that guy in the sack.
NEILL CUMPSTON IS AN ATTENTION SEEKING, EGOMANIACAL COCK AND THA by dan27	May 1st, 2003 10:14:31 AM

Best Review Ever by JetJaguar	May 1st, 2003 10:16:22 AM
What's this guy doing wasting his time writing reviews? His writing style is visceral, exciting and unpredictable, not to mention hilarious. And whoever mentioned Real Ultimate Power, I think you're onto something.
WTF??? by hoyaguru	May 1st, 2003 10:21:27 AM
Look, if this "reviewer" was trying to be funny, he failed miserably. If this was for real, do us all a favor, and never print another one of his reviews again. I mean, wtf was that? That had to be the worst review I've ever read in my life, and all because the idiot who wrote it thought he was being cool. Reminded me of a 5th graders attempt at comedy. I'd rather not read a review at all if what I read is dreck like this.
So they're letting 13 year old-pot head-metal dudes review movie by skycrapper	May 1st, 2003 10:23:03 AM
Here I was excited to read a Matrix review and I had to go through that. "Mr. Cumpton, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
Only read the first paragraph... by FEENXFIRE	May 1st, 2003 10:23:23 AM
...if you could call it that. Nice prose, though. Heh. God bless you Moriarty, Harry, Neil. Now I can stop haunting the net; see yah round Kill Bill time.
Niell cumpston is my hero. by numberface	May 1st, 2003 10:23:51 AM
He's the greatest writer in the history of putting shit on websites. Somebody give this man a job a the NY Times.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was more worried that Neil wouldn't be able to carry off a 3rd by King Rhythm	May 1st, 2003 10:26:01 AM
But this was his best effort yet. Funny as fuck. "French dude..Egypt" was GOLDEN, and "THIS MOVIE IS TITS" is a keeper - better'n "Tomboy Beanpole" anyway. The fucking review was all highlights. If Mr. C. can keep it up, cool. Space him out a little, so he don't get old. Or let him do a "Siskel/Ebert" style review with Seanbaby. That'd be tits.
Hmmm...... by small boy	May 1st, 2003 10:31:31 AM
...excuse me while i invite you to kiss my ballbag, Neill Cumsuck. You've seen The Matrix reloaded? Right. Why waste your time writing this shite, anyone could have come up with this from seeing the trailers. And, why bother printing this, it's balls! Are you really lacking fresh news that much? Let me help you out, i have seen The Return of The King, here's my review; Some little fuckin' midgets, they like, run up this big volcano to throw a ring or necklace or some thist into it. There's some magic dudes, and some sword fights. Then the good guys win, and this movie hits you like some giant fucking mule-hammer on your nuts. How's that for a scoop?
Come on you fools... by EMBee	May 1st, 2003 10:43:31 AM
Can't we all just revel in the fact that the upcoming summer movie season may be the best one ever (in terms of sheer geek pleasure)? Matrix will be better...X2 is awesome...please. I feel like I ended up on Gamepro's forum for "Which system is better?" Just lay back, smile, and enjoy the next 8 months.
Oh, and about Neill by EMBee	May 1st, 2003 10:45:42 AM
Neill is a genius.
I have seen this movie by PerfectTommy	May 1st, 2003 10:46:08 AM
...and there are several enormous and shocking plot twists which define this movie. The person who posted this "review" did not even make mention of them elliptically. He has not seen the movie. I will post the twists tomorrow to prove the validity of my assertion but rest assured--this fool has seen nothing but porn and the empty cheetos bags lying around his apartment. I will say that there really is no great technical improvement in the movie effects-wise. It is mostly an amped up version of what they did the first time out. It is the story that makes this movie brilliant. P.T. check here tomorrow
Nice to see you in here Alice, by Conan_the_Humble	May 1st, 2003 10:48:54 AM
Yeah this movie looks ok. Review's pretty ordinary though. I've got a feeling he was really (ahem) 'masturbating' in the cinema though, that'd probably get you kicked out... Cheers.
It's a PERSONA - Lighten up and catch a sense of humor already.. by Damitol	May 1st, 2003 10:51:34 AM
I'll just assume that all of you bitching about the review are first time AICNers, or people who - like Oscar voters - pretend to only like "serious" films. Neill's "hyper/hypo" style is what allows him to get into these screenings then write for AICN without getting caught for Christ's sake. In real life he is probably the exact opposite of the Mr. Cumpston we know and love. If you take a moment to get the giant bug out of your ass, you will see that his review clearly said that the plot is thin and too new-agey for his tastes, but the action set pieces are off the hook and more than make up for the "there is no spoon" psycho-babble that passes for "story". And what is with this X2 vs. M2 bullshit? We have too geekgasm movies opening within two weeks of each other. Neither will be "better". You may personally enjoy one over the other because of your personal tastes, but both will be amazing if you lovegenre movies. Neill - thanks for the smiles, but I hate you for whatever connection allows you to see X2 and M2 weeks before the rest of us.
Ok, now for the REAL review . . . by stillwater79	May 1st, 2003 11:02:18 AM
Can we get a review from someone who has more than a fifth-grade vocabulary, PLEASE? Harry may think this Neil Cumpston is hot shit, but I prefer reviews that make sense. Harry and Moriarty's reviews are much better than this! When do we get to read THEM?
Neill Cumstain boy genius by D.E. Machina	May 1st, 2003 11:03:52 AM
Not as funny as the X2 review. I just saw the firt Underworld trailer, not as off topic as you might think, a total Matrix ripoff. Looks cool though. And complain about N.C. reviews all you want, he gets the TBs all heated up.
Neil Cumpston/Matrix Reloaded Review by Spideyken1	May 1st, 2003 11:05:35 AM
Harry, I wrote to you last week for Mr. Cumpston's review of X2. What is this guy's problem? His reviews are not only offensive (Must he be derogatory about gays in all his reviews?) Granted I think that Joel Schumacher's Batman films are awful), but to make quotes like
you just don't get it by Juvenals 17th	May 1st, 2003 11:10:52 AM
This guy is smart and playing you all. It's a persona, jackasses and you're the joke in all your stuttering fanboy fury. Look at the just off analogies, close enough to brilliance but just off enough to look like the typical fan boy idiot. This guy is mocking your(especially Harry) fanboy hyperbole and as usual those taking the hit can't see it.
I could have wrote that after reading the scriptmen by AlwaysThere	May 1st, 2003 11:16:59 AM
What a bunch of BS. Plus can this guy not count.
I'm a little surprised... by Bad Guy	May 1st, 2003 11:26:49 AM
...at all the negativity aimed at Neill Cumpston and his "reviews". They're supposed to be "funny" & "ironic" & he's obviously very clever and is just messin' with you guys. There were some great pop culture references in that review. The "Heroclix" comment was classic & laugh out loud funny. Maybe it hit a little too close to home for some of you? Anyway, I'm sure there will be plenty of "serious" reviews for "MATRIX:RELOADED" to come, but in the meantime my vote's in for more of Cumpston's "15 year old w/ ADD stream-of-consciousness" ramblings. Keep up the great work, Neill. Very funny. And the rest of you? Get a sense of humour about yourselves and your movie geekism.
This is to movie reviews what spam is to gourmet dining. by Phoebe Caulfield	May 1st, 2003 11:32:42 AM
Will The Matrix: Reloaded be worth the ducats? Of course. Will the action be out of this world, well duh?! Does this review make me want to see it any more or less? Not a chance. It tells me to expect geeky fanboys sitting in the theatre, creaming their jeans (if this review is any indication). I get it, you liked the movie. But don't bullshit us by saying that this is a "review" of the movie.
Matrix greatest plot ever by KiLLa	May 1st, 2003 11:33:42 AM
For all those complaining that Reloaded will be all action and no Story, how wrong could you be. The thing that made the first Matrix kick ass was its great story, and the W. Brothers wrote the two sequels at the same time as the first one. So you see the story must be great too, I can't imagine that they would not have a great story, it's the freaking MATRIX.
I take it back Harry by ThingsThatTimDog	May 1st, 2003 11:37:58 AM
I rather hear you blathing on like a pendantic boob than have to read a review from some guy who only knows 4 vocab words and has to refer to every actor by some obscure part they had in the past. You dont even need to see a movie to review at this site anymore. Just get on, curse a few dozen times and tell people they will cream their shorts. Then 4 months later tell everyone you thought the movie blew.
excellect review by JudiciousHooker	May 1st, 2003 11:45:38 AM
How can all you people claim this reviewer is 13 years old/retarded/illiterate/an idiot? His review is a dense barrage of clever metaphors, poetic language and humor. He could have written it in any style he wanted, but he obviously went to a lot of trouble to make it entertaining, and he surpassed even the allegorical majesty of Knowles's Blade 2 review in doing so. It's amazing to me how many people think something is idiotic because it contains the word "fuck" or a few jokes. I'd like to see any of the Talkback Crusaders for Clean Language come up with a sentence the equal of "This movie is a pillowcase with soda cans inside that beats the living mule-fuck out of you but you
PLANT!...er...wait... by silentjay	May 1st, 2003 11:47:34 AM
probably not...not with that kind of eloquence.
Boycott AICN until they regain their dignity by snm1266	May 1st, 2003 11:58:13 AM
Guys, Dark Horizons has the same information AICN does and you don't have to listen to the lunatic ravings of a man-child who has the mentality of a brain dead Spicoli. (Nothing against surfers) We are cautioned in our talkbacks that "Being a jerkwad loser will get you banned" and I am subjected to this idiot on purpose?!? I realize he had a geek-boy orgasm over Reloaded, but this review told me nothing more than he is an undersexed, hormonally charged, macho idiot that wants their movies to become porn films with car chases and guns. So if you want the same straightforward information, go over to Dark Horizons and Garth Franklin. But make sure you shower first because I feel assaulted and dirty after being here. Until AICN grows up, I doubt I'll be returning. (You can all applaud now.)
Oh fer crying out loud` by paulio	May 1st, 2003 12:01:42 PM
A: it was `for not supporting us over IRAQ` twit and b: I love Aint it Cool to death but this `every review has to sound like a porn documentary` and comparing every film to a year long orgasm is getting REALLY REALLY OLD NOW. Can we have reviews of movies which don`t make the writers sound like prepubescent teenage boys with a one word dictionary and very few female friends?
I really am glad he had such a nice time by Heleno	May 1st, 2003 12:32:50 PM
But this doesn't tell us anything new. And it's very hard reading.
What????? by Mac Styran	May 1st, 2003 12:34:35 PM
Come on, people, that wasn't a review, was it? I mean, the guy doesn't even talk properly. Now, there are some reviews on this site that the writers should be ashamed of ... Harry's Blade 2 anyone? This piece is definitely one of them.
everyone take a pill. by ElRanchoDeSancho	May 1st, 2003 12:48:08 PM
Holy cow!!!! I can't believe the way everyone gets worked up about Neil Cumshot's review!!!! Personally I think he's hilarious. He's one of the few reviewers that I can bring myself to read all the way through. A bit of advice to all those who take offense at his reviews being posted: Fuck off and make your own site. You don't own AICN, and no one will care if you never come back. Go create your own website where you and 6 other uber-geeks can solemnly discuss the socio-political subtext buried deep within the Roger Corman Fantastic Four movie. I (and I suspect many others)come here to get scoops and laughs. Neil Cumbreath provides laughs-o-plenty. If you don't like his writing, don't read it. If you read it, don't bother telling us how much you hate him. No one cares. Not me. Not the people who enjoy Neil's reviews. Not the sock puppet you call a girlfriend. No one. Come to think of it, no one gives a rat's ass about my opinion either. Which makes me wonder why I'm typing this. Jesus Christ, I'm lame.
The Return of Neill Cumpston by ScarStar	May 1st, 2003 12:51:46 PM
I always get a feeling of glee after reading Neill's reviews. He's no English major, but a fan translating his sheer joy into words. I like it. Oh, to IFartOnYourGrave: You complain about lack of class on AICN yet you choose that for a screen name? Hmmm...
ONE TRICK PONY!!! But the movie sounds exactly how I expected.. by empyreal0	May 1st, 2003 12:58:02 PM
...one helluva ride. Which is good, of course. I've learned to expect less, plot-wise, from this movie than the first and I think Neill Cumstain cut straight to the point. This movie is an orgy of beautiful action sequences, with a flimsy superhero-type background story. At least if I go in not expecting Shakespeare, I know I'm not going to be disappointed... OH, and sorry that I said last time to make this guy a regular. I changed my mind. He's a one-trick pony. Unless he starts cranking out some good material, I'm afraid he's gonna get REALLY OLD REALLY FAST!!
This guy seems mentally unstable by joeblowe	May 1st, 2003 01:05:41 PM
Worst review ever. Did he write this in 5 seconds, while he was on crack?
Forget this review, my comment about the Matrix Twins on AICN en by Rupert Cornelius	May 1st, 2003 01:08:25 PM
April 28, 2003 Lifeline column in the "Life" section, it mentioned my comment on Mr. Beaks' interview with the actors who play Twin 1 and Twin 2. Other talkbackers were complaining that they don't have names in the movies, so I suggested "Milli" and "Vanilli" and it ended up in USA Today. So in the hopes of it happening again, let me say that the first review of Matrix: Reloaded ........ is almost as great as the hard-hitting and responsible journalism of USA Today!
x2 is as good as it gets by u.k. star	May 1st, 2003 01:19:08 PM
i don't care which is better same as i don't care which is the best out of aliens , empire strikes back, godfather 2 ,or t2. i just know that these are some of the best sequels of all time and about the only one peolpe bother to argue about as worthy successors to their originals, and better than the originals. (i won't bore you with which i think are better). X2 will join that list it is without a doubt the best comic book movie ever. it is without a doubt one of the best sci-fi actioners ever. why because it has characters you care about, good to excellent acting amazing action and special effects, and a story that is relevant and worhty of discussion. (oppression of minorities, is terrorism ever justified when your being persicuted. etc.) but like the best genre movies those without the wit to see the subtext or just to long to grasp it can just enjoy the kick ass action. if the matrix has these atributes to join the surely superb special effects then it will join that list. i'm going to seee x2 again tomorrow, almost definatly again next week too, if the matrix is better then it's all good for sci-fi fans everywhere, if it's only half as good as x2 then it's still goonna be the best 3 weeks in my 25 years of movie going. and by the way the fact that x2 is one of the best films ,(at the very least of this kind), ever made coupled with it's pg13 (12a here in the uk) rating means it has a very ery strong chance of outgrossing the matrix. in countries with barrier ratings like we have in the uk no one under 15 will be able to see the matrix, (legaly anyway) X2 really is as good s the hype....no wait it's better........
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! !! by 007-11	May 1st, 2003 01:30:30 PM
Holy shit that was awesome! It was like listening to Dennis Leary describing an acid trip! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! If the movie is anything like this review it'll be fantastic.
Jesus, Fett! by Mutant X	May 1st, 2003 01:33:25 PM
SHUT THE FUCK UP! Let me add my voice! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Go read your fan mail or find a new Catwoman or SOMETHING, just PLEASE... PLEASE... shut the FUCK UP!!!!! This isn't a letter of support! If you put on your decoder ring, this won't say "Attaboy, Fett!" It will still say that you're an imbecile, and that damn near everyone on AICN hates you. I've suffered through your horrible, horrible posts for some time now without saying a word, but Christ, man, enough! You cry to the cosmos "Lord, why must they always gang up on me?" Well, here's an easy answer, dipshit. The reason everyone hates you is because everything you post is so contradictory and stupid that we all feel our IQ slowly draining out of our ears with every word. You have the balls to insult Cumpston for what's obviously a parody?! HA! That's hilarious considering your writing style. The other day you said "No one can write like me!" Damn straight no one can write like you. Nor would anyone want to. Hell, at this point, I miss the Imposter Fett. Enough! I know you're going to start screaming about how I'm the Facer and the Facer's Sideshow Bill and Sideshow Bill is people! Sideshow Bill is people! but I'm not a secret agent, so you can go back to writing "FETT'S ENEMY LIST" in peace. Oh, and this review was hilarious. Makes me pine for Hallenbeck.
Dear stupid fucking monkeys, by kingofdadipshits	May 1st, 2003 01:41:54 PM
I can't believe after neill's third review some of you buttnuts are still saying "is it real?" "worst review ever!" or '"It sounds like it was written by a fifteen year old"...it's a joke, Neill is not a REAL GUY, he's made up just like Neo, gollum and the hulkman. Neill Cumpston is clearly Moriarity or one of his friends. It has comedy writer written all over it. It's a fucking character, if you even thought it was real for a second you are dumber then my Mom.
Obviously It Will Kick Ass by TheManRoom	May 1st, 2003 01:47:48 PM
Question is, are you willing to blow off your job and risk losing it to see this bad boy opening day or night? Cast a vote: http://www.themanroom.com/inde x.php
http://www.realultimatepower.net / by Slugworth	May 1st, 2003 01:48:43 PM
Is the website that Neil stole his shtick (right down to the multiple penis bit) from. Kinda weak.
Am I to believe a Simian was led into the theater? by KONG33	May 1st, 2003 01:54:26 PM
Thanks, Harry, but NO THANKS. Screen these goddamn 'reviews'. I couldn't finish a whole paragraph of his shit.
Did somebody say they missed me? by ONE-FETT-TO-RULE	May 1st, 2003 01:57:53 PM
Then I'm here to entertain you, you fucking cuddling faggots! All you cock sucking, salad tossing, fudge packing faggot pole smokers do is make gay jokes! If your boyfriend doesn't take care of it Stan, I'll throw your panties in your face!
Fucking HORRIBLE review!!!! by ONE-FETT-TO-RULE	May 1st, 2003 02:04:34 PM
We got no details from that kindergarten rant!! So Neo and Trinity do it, big fucking deal. Why dont we get some juice, like what was Trinity's reaction when Neo threw her panties in her face? And what did Trinity's mom say when Neo called her and told her that her daughter was a filthy whore? Some fucking important plot pieces would be nice in a spoiler review. Fuck George Bush!!
aicn created a new kind of review: THE MOVIE BELCH by drjones	May 1st, 2003 02:09:40 PM
in the past it was a question decency to belch after a meal or your drink. it was a sign that you`ve liked the food and drinking. that`s the case with those "reviews" as well. but could YOU MAYBE TELL YOUR REVIEWERS TO TAKE NO (NO NO NO)DRUGS WHILE WRITING THEIR REVIEWS????? ...AND WHILE WATCHING THE FILM BY THE WAY??? i mean if someone tells me that you could wear headphones during a movie and WOULDN`T MISS ANYTHING i can`t help but getting the impression that this guy has at the utmost an IQ of -80 . i just get the impression. and if i know that this guy doesn`t give a cent on the plot but OONNLYYYY on the pictures. i recommend neill that you better watch music videos. i can`t give a shit on that review....i just can`t
could that be by ZO	May 1st, 2003 02:11:54 PM
the worst review ever? and thats saying something with all the "writers" on this site how many times can you type the word Dude?
LOL by GypsyTRobot	May 1st, 2003 02:22:05 PM
this review was not as amusing as the previous one, but the resulting outrage is hi-larious. + reviews for movies like this one are just entertainment, basically. I know 99.9% of us geeks are going to see this in the theater no matter what the reviews say or how they say it. Shit, I'll go see Star Wars III if it gets zero stars because my geekiness will not allow me to wait for video. (BTW Barry aka bwstarwars aka Donnie Darko is claiming that he is responsible for getting Spike [James Marsters, the blonde vamp on Buffy] cast as the younger Tarkin in S3.) + Hey Harry, quit being a chauvinist pig. Remember there's at least 3 female regulars around here -- what are we supposed to hold onto when we're reading these reviews???
Right the joke's worn thin! Enough already! by Not The Messiah	May 1st, 2003 02:24:10 PM
Keep this guy in containment until SUPERMAN is released.
Uh no Fett by ONE-FETT-TO-RULE	May 1st, 2003 02:24:28 PM
I count at least 2 of my posts before you "burned" Stan. Stupid bastard.... when you reference the "retaliation" for the "burn" in the same post as the "burn", you lose a bit of credibility. Dumbfuck.
brilliance by neckbone	May 1st, 2003 02:29:56 PM
neill is my hero - that was the funniest stuff i've read in ages. took 3 tries to finish, i broke into tears the first 2 times. and to the posters bustin' on neill - LIGHTEN THE HELL UP, YOU TOOLS! chances are, you frequent this FREE site hoping to find a one sentence blurb/review/nugget or picture on whatever movie (that is probably months, if not years, from release) and now you're getting indignant about someone having a little fun on a review? get some perspective...please.
not to piss on ur bonfire... by sadistic chick	May 1st, 2003 02:37:47 PM
specially since i aint read everybody elses comments & its possible somebody may have already beat me to it but anywho THIS IS NOT THE FIRST REVIEW OF MATRIS RELOADED EVER EMPIRE HAVE HALF A MAGAZINE DEDICATED TO IT & THAT CAN OUT WAY BEFORE YOU PUT UP THIS PILE OF SHIT YOU CALL A REVIEW SO STOP CLAIMING TO BE THE FIRST COS ITS JUST A LOAD OF SHIT! ok im done ranting have a nice day X
AHA! by Mutant X	May 1st, 2003 02:44:37 PM
Took Fett longer than I thought it would to quote a Facer blog. Guess I lost my inner bet!
While it's not my type o humor... by BuckyKatt	May 1st, 2003 02:45:57 PM
.. I think this review has to be. Mori, you and Harry playing with our feeble lil minds??
this is why I miss Corona Coming Attractions by beamish13	May 1st, 2003 02:47:40 PM
the reviews were actually mature and had some thought in them.
Best review ever. Fuck all you turds who take this guy seriously by Mr. Waturi	May 1st, 2003 02:48:29 PM
Harry wishes his "Blade II" review had 1/10 of this guy's wit.
How can people be confused by the first film? by the_pissboy1	May 1st, 2003 02:52:44 PM
What sort of toolboxes a) didn't understand The Matrix the first time? B) Would proudly admit they needed to watch this simplistic film more than once? Honestly, this reviewer/quim lost me the moment he said the first film lost him. Good lord, the first one can't get much simpler: machines take over the world, enslave man to use as batteries, some humans have escape to fight the machines, a halfwit numbskull is considered the one and he tries to stop the computer. Is that so confusing? Goddamn retards on this planet make simplistic, poorly paced, clunky-dialogue-laden, action-less, ineptly acted shit films like this a huge hit.
New titles for Matrix films by ShooterMctanktop	May 1st, 2003 02:54:03 PM
I here Revolutions is going to have it's title changed to either Matrix"kicks you in the balls and eats out your girlfriend" or simply Matrix"pants meet shit" its kinda catchy actually.
X2 + Cow Bell = Maybe by BuzzLightyear66	May 1st, 2003 02:56:39 PM
The only possible way X2 could compare to what I hope and believe the Matrix to be is if it had more cow bell. That's the only possible way, more cow bell!
Thank you Sadistic Chick. By all means piss on the bonfire... by Kevin Costner	May 1st, 2003 02:57:07 PM
'Cuz this review so bites the donkey's ass that I just can't believe it's a headline. This is beyond retarded. I usually don't get pissed off for having a mere five minutes of my life wasted but FUCK this 'me-wanna-be-cool' jack-ass. Neil, you're NOT COOL, and if your review was any dumber you'd be wearing shin-pads to go with your helmet. What a fucking waste of time...
funny review and I still say this movie has a big uphill battle by Russman	May 1st, 2003 02:57:39 PM
We shall see.. X2 is just so freaking awesome that I've almost forgotten about the Matrix. But I'm looking forward to it though. Anyway, a few months ago someone posted a story summary of Reloaded in a talkback. And judging from what was in the above review, it seems like that summary was legit. Damn, the ending is gonna freak you out.
Does it have ninjas wailing on guitars in it too? Cause that wo by cryptochrome	May 1st, 2003 03:00:21 PM
Whatta retard. www.realultimatepower.com
yawn by Lance Uppercut	May 1st, 2003 03:01:53 PM
Consider the possibilities here 1) Some retarded 12 year old somehow got to see the most anticipated movie since episode 1 2 weeks before anyone else and then found he had NOTHING of any substance to say about it OR 2) Same munchkin found out a few deatails by leafing through a movie magazine for 2 minutes while trying to choose between trying green or purple BPM, then fleshed it out with some "cool" swearing and thesearus-powered hyperbole. Hmmm...I wonder...
That was the most illiterate thing I've read in a long, long tim by InvaderZim	May 1st, 2003 03:10:02 PM
Congratuations.
What an incomprehensible review! by KatieScarlett	May 1st, 2003 03:19:36 PM
What do you expect from a ten year old anyway. Harry, I do understand and respect the 'concept' that the review was written in the spirit of love and adoration of the film/geek boy/rah rah rah, but c'mon! It's senseless! I would have preferred a tinsy bit of plot! Oh well, I'll go read the NYTimes/Rolling Stones if I want plot! Anyways, I enjoy your site, Harry, don't misinterpret me.
Damn, you guys are touchy(and on a side note, fuck realultimatep by 007-11	May 1st, 2003 03:33:41 PM
It was funny, what's the problem? Everything doesn't have to be Pauline Kael, although you couldn't trust a review from her because she hated everything. So it isn't a delightful little piece of prose with many delicious little bits of wit woven in for that delicate hint of mischief and saucyness, who cares? It was funny, we all know the Matrix is going to kick ass, and we all know that this site will soon be flooded with more reviews than you can shake a spoon at(remember guys? "There is no spoon"? Little bald british kid? Oracle's apartment? Huh? Anyone?) So qwitcherbitchin.
Fine, but this is not the first review of the film.... by Sith Witch	May 1st, 2003 03:33:41 PM

Chillax, geek-btiches! by WeedyMcSmokey	May 1st, 2003 03:40:15 PM
C'mon - that was kinda funny at least. Some of you take this way too seriously, it's a friggin' movie review - not a desertation on democracy. I laughed hardest when the guy who calls himself I Fart On Your Grave accuses Harry of having no class. Cumpstein, you're pretty funny, guy - Pottery Barn having a rave themed Planet of the Gay Apes is some inspired shit. I'm pretty sure the Cookie Lady has to die in this. I don't know why, call it a 'feeling'. Or perhaps its becuase..... she did.
The guy was funny for the first time, boring for the second and by Lord_Soth	May 1st, 2003 03:44:43 PM
AICN can't sink deeper.
This guy KILLS me by Bash_Branigan	May 1st, 2003 03:52:04 PM
Okay, I know he's some kind of lower primate, I know I'm not supposed to like something so unintelligable, but ya know... I don't care. That review is hysterical! Just when I thought he couldn't invent a new totally expository metaphor to say that something was good, here he comes again!
I stopped reading this 'review' halfway after the first sentence by Sithlord_999	May 1st, 2003 03:58:47 PM
And the bloated sellout calls this shit a review- Worthless Garbage. Just like this excrement of a website.
Ahhhh... hmmmm. by nazismasher	May 1st, 2003 04:00:12 PM
Pretty hilarious stuff and I am really looking forward to Reloaded... almost as much as I am looking forward to the first REAL review. LOL! The Cookie Lady.
Here's Harry's Matrix review from '99 by L. Mollari	May 1st, 2003 04:11:05 PM
And it's in English, too, unlike that steaming load above: THE MATRIX review Alright, it
Matrix? by Lev_Harris	May 1st, 2003 04:27:20 PM
What's this Matrix thing everyone keeps talking about? I remember reading about it back in '99 on this site. Can someone please explain!?
Joe Bob Briggs He Ain't... by Van Damned	May 1st, 2003 04:54:36 PM
WILL YOU PLEASE STOP POSTING REVIEWS THAT SOUND LIKE A THIRTEEN YEAR-OLD PSYCHOTIC WITHOUT MORAL BOUNDERIES WROTE THEM? I mean really! Is it just me? This idiot basically said absolutely nothing! I'm going to have to re-think taking anyone on this site seriously...
Jim-Jammity Jesus Krispy Kreme Christ on a twat-rocket, this mov by McCormic	May 1st, 2003 04:54:46 PM
. . . really disturbing. . .
The poor man's Jackie Harvey (The Onion) by RedneckJedi	May 1st, 2003 05:11:34 PM
Jackie is the kind of guy that can skew and blend the facts MUCH better and MUCH funnier... without the use of expletives. Now, who is this guy again? His non-witty reparte
Matrix "review" by Johnnyspot	May 1st, 2003 05:12:11 PM
I race for my computer everyday to log onto AICN. Why? It's the best! However I am personally offended by the, and I use this word lightly, "writer" and his constant references to fags, cocksuckers etc... I thought he was going to enlighten us till we get the priviledge of seeing the film, not offend his cyber audience. I expect more from Harry Knowles and AICN. How 'bout a real Pre-review of Matrix reloaded?? PS: I dont offend easily, I made it through Irreversible...TWICE!
who the hell writes this bullshit anyway? by pooneil	May 1st, 2003 05:25:07 PM
That review did absolutely nothing to change my belief that the biggest Matrix fans are overgrown 6 year olds. I will probably not enjoy this movie much because I am, unfortunately, not mentally retarded. Too bad.
hahahaha classic by wos	May 1st, 2003 05:41:43 PM
brilliant - this guy deserves an interview with Total Film :)
Disgusting by NAFF	May 1st, 2003 05:46:22 PM
This filth has no place here. It isn't clever and is not appreciated.
you have to be very smart... by Mr Brownstone	May 1st, 2003 05:58:08 PM
to write something THAT stupid.
Tee hee by Dan_Average	May 1st, 2003 06:03:31 PM
Talkbackers complaining about "filth" = funniest thing I've seen all week. Much funnier than the actual review, which comes off like a poor man's Planet Hate.
Hilarious - well done Neil. Even if you didn't actually see the by steve_zodiac	May 1st, 2003 06:10:27 PM
OK, you maybe did see the movie but where? when? If you don't tell us that tiny bit of essential information we're just not gonna believe you 100%. Mind you, from the way you put it I think you've reallt seen it and I think it's REALLY gonna kick major league ass. By the way, for those of you wondering if those cocksuckers at UNCUT magazine in the UK are still publishing FAKE REVIEWS OF ALL UPCOMING MOVIES the answer is yes and the editor is still a fucking smokehole who'd rather sell his ass than a legitimate publication.
Could Mori and Neill be one in the same? BUM BUM BUM! by Ribbons	May 1st, 2003 06:12:40 PM
Probably not
only 1 hour of sleep today, wahoo! by imageburn13	May 1st, 2003 06:12:41 PM
I was up at 4 am after staring at photoshop for 6 hours...finals are this week, and im in a william shatner load of trouble... but I tuned into this review and after staring at it with the tasty glaze over my eyes, it made me laugh and it was nice to see some "news" (whatever ya call it) about the matrix...I've almost grown tired/check that, I HAVE grown tired of HEARING about X2, I just wanna see the fucker so anything; again ANYTHING news devoted to "big summer cinema" will get my attention...now that I think about it, YES his review was funny, but its JUST that. I almost feel like Neil Cumsuckler is akin to Dirk fucking Diggler in that he's getting too big for his shoes, and he's writing to simply "flush out his character" so truth be telt, even tho I found his "review" refreshing and comical at 4 am his "review" doesn't touch ANYTHING this site puts out on the regular. for a FREE ACCESS website, we get some fucking awesome stuff. We also get the not so awesome stuff, but hey, its FREE! so take it or leave it. I'll take it. fuck photoshit.
This crap is supposed to be funny????? by zenda	May 1st, 2003 06:14:26 PM
Cumpston needs to buy himself a sense of humor (and a few writing lessons!) But then again, between the childish homophobic remarks and the super-macho posturing, maybe Neill is trying to tell us something. Like a long dead famous writer wrote "Methinks the lady doth protest too much." So hurry up and come out of the closet, Neill, and learn how to write on your way out.
Get thee a thesaurus! by pilgrim57	May 1st, 2003 06:14:50 PM
I'm sorry, but when someone has to resort to so many expletives and crudities just to express their enthusiasm, it's not worth my time. "First" is this case just means "stupidest".
Lam-o by Damer1	May 1st, 2003 06:29:08 PM
This now takes the cake as worst review ever. The "I've never actually seen a vagina" review that Harry gave for Blade II is now only the 2nd worst piece of garbage ever written.
IQ Test... by FlickChick	May 1st, 2003 06:45:08 PM
Those who loved this review---Your IQ=2 Those who hated it---Your IQ=120+
Satire so great I punched my mom in the face! by Bernie Bernbaum	May 1st, 2003 06:58:54 PM
How do some of you people not realize that this review, genuine or not, is intended for laughs? What the fuck? You're probably the same people who hated the South Park movie, or who watches older, classic Simpsons episodes and wonder, 'What's with all of the awkward silences? Don't the writers have any jokes to give us?' IT'S IRONY! C'MON! As somebody else here said, it may not be the most polished satire ever written, but it's damn funny nonetheless. Anybody who thinks this guy is seriously trying to write a thoughtful, articulate analysis of a cinematic work needs to take their head out of their ass and lighten the fuck up.
.... by Pksoze22	May 1st, 2003 07:05:24 PM
This review was horrible and didn't provide any cool info I cant gleam from the trailers. This guy is trying too hard to be cool rather than giving us an informative review.
like it or not by neckbone	May 1st, 2003 07:14:14 PM
with the # of posts in this thread approaching 300 (although that's a little inflated by the fett-flame war...) neill/mori/harry has obviously struck a chord. and what a great double-dip - a tremendous laugh at the review and then a second laugh at the expense of all the uptight buttholes who piss and moan like they were forced to read the damn thing!
Seriously, is that the best you can do by proppajob	May 1st, 2003 07:19:09 PM
Ok guys next time you want to make up a review just get in touch with me, I know a four yearold that can do a better job than that. That was the dumbest fucking thin I have ever read.
I just pissed my pants with laughter. by sharondeitz	May 1st, 2003 07:20:02 PM
That was one funny review.
come to papa by faggotlewisblack	May 1st, 2003 07:21:47 PM
I'm currently masturbating while the orginal Matrix is playing in my VCR and will continue to do so until Reloaded comes out or Harry becomes my personal bitch.
Worst. Review. Ever. by Roger Thornhill	May 1st, 2003 07:27:07 PM
Using "fuck" and "shit" does not make your points any stronger. Worst. Review. Ever.
Quality razzed-out speed freak metal trash hyberbole by KillaKane	May 1st, 2003 07:31:51 PM
Now, that's what I love about this site, such a divergence in review postings from the geek Brethren. Keep Neil onboard, he's da 'one', I sense there's a tongue firmly planted in somone's cheek(s). Safe bet Jay Mewes and Joe Bob are proud of their Bastard offspring!
What a Dumb Ass. Worst Review EVER! by Chipotle	May 1st, 2003 07:34:48 PM
I at first wasn't going to read the review because I was afraid of spoilers. I decided to check the talkback reaction and the unanimous cries of incompetance made me curious what the heck this review actually said. I still don't understand it at all. The guy sounds like a horny preteen boy. It is embarassing. Harry, what the heck are you trying to do. Are you that desperate for a "scoop" that you publish horrible written garbage like this. Maybe this guy isn't a pussy, but he sure is a fucking moron. This site is quickly going to hell. I've lost major respect for you Harry.
STOP WITH THESE GAY ASS REVIEWS!!!!!! by ranting_dude	May 1st, 2003 07:46:17 PM
I want to hear a review. Not some queer ass shit about cumming and eating pussy and all that type of bullshit. SHIT! Tell me about the special effects. Are they any good? Tell us more about the plot. No one cares if you jack off or run out of cum. Does it still have bullet time in this flick or is there anything new? You know, like Joel Silver siad in some interview about there being a bar anymore. By the way, Harry, I think you are the only jack off who wants to see Hot Whells the movie. If you want to see it so bad go rent that home video that just came out.
Re: Satire so great I punched my mom in the face! by Kevin Costner	May 1st, 2003 07:46:20 PM
Hey Bernie Bernbaum, that's exactly the problem. He's trying to be funny. He's trying to be cool. He's trying to be slick. He's trying to do everything except the one thing most people clicked on his review for and that's really fucking annoying. "OMG!! this fight scene was better than (insert idiotic wanna-be-funny sexual innuendo), and them some dudes talk about plot for a while and then there's this kung-fu moment that's like (insert wanna-be-funny sexual innuendo)" Instead of writing anything intereseting NEILL WHOTHEFUCKCARES is trying to show everyone how goddamn funny he is and he just ain't. Mori you got hacked and didn't actaully post this did you?
WHAT A FLIPPIN LIAR!! =) by Kampbell-Kid	May 1st, 2003 07:51:40 PM
I'm a manager for a theater and I have marketing contacts at WB and they said they've never screened this film yet to the public. Nothing in that review is solid and everything in that review touched on things we all already have seen in the trailers. Then to be subjected to some guy trin to copy Harry's BLADE 2 vulgar review style which is completely trite and a YEAR OLD!!! Minorly funny, but yet completely annoying to read because I knew this person hasn't seen it as confirmed by someone at WB.
OZ versus Aus... by Lighthand	May 1st, 2003 07:54:47 PM
Very funny review... Just confused about the butt rape reference in regards to the guy from OZ. Did this refer to the land of OZ (as in there's no place like home) or Australia? Surely not the later...the land of bronze, beer drinking testosterone fuelled hunks?
A review as a spit in the eye for fans.. by Silver Shamrock	May 1st, 2003 07:57:21 PM
I've learned nothing about the movie from that "review". I half expect Joel Silver to ask Neil to tone down the hype! And for those of you that claim the "review" was satire, I ask, a satire of what specifically?
The Matrix will rock by Scorched-Planet	May 1st, 2003 08:09:08 PM
And Fett will still be the fag-a-long in all the Talk-Backs. He just argues and takes the assinine side to get attention so he isn't completly alone in the basement with his mom's cats. www.scorched-planet.blogspot.c om
LMAO CHICKTIME channel by digdig	May 1st, 2003 08:31:03 PM
this guy is freakin' hilarious.
Reviews from the trailer park? by yoda900_ca	May 1st, 2003 08:40:40 PM
Great there's alot of fighting. I guess if u live in a trailer park thats the only qualification for a good movie. Steve Segal is a god I here in that world.Alot of boring stuff between ass-kicking. Thats called Dialogue, can i duduceby the fact that it was borung thats this movie is not well write? Neil next time can you write a review of some substance and one that doesn't show off your 10th grade vocab. HARRY WHERE ARE YOU WITH A REVIEW. I realled enjoyed the first Matrix but have heard alot of mixed chatter about how good this one is. SOMEBODY WITH MORE THAN 10th GRADE Education (and thats being generous) PLEASE DO A REVIEW. THANKS
Harry or Moriarty write these... by Felix Culpa	May 1st, 2003 08:41:41 PM
some cheap attempt at an evil alter ego. The only thing is these reviews are too similar to a normal Harry review anyway, so I say Moriarty. The contrast is much greater...clear, lucid, intelligent reviewing vs. x-rated Bill and Ted speak.
Another review in the CHUD forums. by Nocturnaloner	May 1st, 2003 08:41:43 PM
For those of you who don't like Cumpston's schtick, go here: http://chud.com/board/ubbhtml/ ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f =1;t=009908;p=2 Amazing how it has occurred to so few of you that Neil Cumpston is just a character, and the review was meant to be entertainment...
Christ, there are some stupid-ass nerds on this site! Lighten th by Mr. Waturi	May 1st, 2003 09:05:33 PM
You dorks are just bitter because somebody hasn't already told you the entire movie! After reading Neil's reviews I've got one thing to say... Pants, meet piss!
This movie is tits! by splat	May 1st, 2003 09:05:48 PM
hahaha I can't wait for this movie, it'll be so great, with Murphus and the Cookie Lady and Neo.... great review. :)
Is this the guy doing reviews on good morning America? by atomjack1	May 1st, 2003 09:35:01 PM
I THOUGHT SOOO!!
Holy fucking shit by scudworth	May 1st, 2003 09:53:38 PM
that was the greatest review ever people complaining about the lack of story and the zaniness of the review, keep in mind 1) The guy seems like he had just seen it 2) He must've not been really keen on the story anyways Sweet jesus I want to see it, tommorow is owned by X2, I'm seeing it till the theatre manager drags my ass out of the building
crap review by Kitchen Bitch	May 1st, 2003 09:59:47 PM
Hello, first time caller, long time listener... That review was a flaming piece of crap... matrix reloaded = neil cumdumpster = style over substance see you in hell! Kitchen Bitch
The verdict... by pulpculture	May 1st, 2003 10:05:15 PM
If the movie is 10 times better than this review, it will still be a steaming pile. Remember: Don't write while on crack. By the way: "The Matrix" wasn't even the best VR movie of the year it came out. That would be "The 13th Floor."
None of you know anything.... but you knew that already. by Chingachgook	May 1st, 2003 10:25:12 PM
OK, kids. Here it is for the hard of hearing. THE MATRIX SUCKED! It was an R-rated Gap commercial for ADD 'tards. Hopefully in the sequel Reeves will have the good sense to keep the sunglasses on so we can't see his primate gaze fall to the floor. Note to Fett (or whatever) and all the other McLaughlin Group wannabees. The press is liberal, yes. That's because the very idea of an independent "free" press (i.e. safe from government control) is a liberal concept. None of that matters since American news has long been corrupted by the quest for profit. You don't get news. You get partially hydrogenated A/V bites that pass as news. Example: I watched NBC news on Sunday and caught the "In Depth" segment. It lasted two minutes. TWO FUCKING MINUTES! That constitutes "In Depth" here, I guess. Want to find out what's really going on? Watch PBS, BBC or CBC (for those near the border) and find out what is really happening out there.
Couldn't get through the first paragraph of this crap. by Psyclops	May 1st, 2003 10:27:19 PM
Stop drinking paint thinner.
Not sure what to say after that one.... by Doom II	May 1st, 2003 10:29:50 PM
After reading this review, I gather that the "formula" that was used for the original Matrix is repeated again...STRONG opening, SLOOOOW middle and a KICK ASS finale. Looking more forward to X2 & Tomb Raider 2 actually, but of course I'll see EVERY SUMMER MOVIE! Because I enjoy setting myself up for disappointment. I could actually see myself getting annoyed with too much "bullet-time" crap in this movie. Hopefully they don't abuse that effect, but the trailers say otherwise.
HANDS DOWN THE MOST INCOHERENT, BULLSHIT REVIEW EVER POSTED TO T by Red Raider	May 1st, 2003 10:44:35 PM
A pathetic use of both grammar and expletives. Who wrote this, your local junior high dropout?! As far as the Matrix Reloaded is concerned, I have to see X2 at last three times before I go see the Matrix. After I see Matrix 2, then it's on to the Hulk. A great summer of fanboy bliss is among us...yet again!
Did a drunk 12 year old write this review? by Maggie	May 1st, 2003 10:56:40 PM
That was worst review I've ever read. It was so poor and unprofessional that it doesn't matter if he liked the movie or not. His opinion has been shattered by his shitty execution of the material. It wasn't even a review. It was simply a list. There weren't even any reasons given as to why he liked or didn't like certain aspects of the film.
What movie is this a review of? by CaptainHendry	May 1st, 2003 11:52:00 PM
This guy may have seen it, but he hasn't learned anything from it. Talk about style over substance. It scares me that anyone is impressed by this.
this review by sosgemini	May 2nd, 2003 12:08:44 AM
this is my first (and probably last post) on this site.....THIS REVIEW IS HORRID!!! can't wait for the film itself but...damn!! get over the "gay" references and the 12 year old sexuality references......speak with clarity...The world will be a better place...
Why? by LabRat	May 2nd, 2003 12:16:19 AM
I have no idea what this review said because I don't want to spoil the movie for myself, but I'm getting tired of holding my sack. Fact of the matter is, the reviewer is an electrified retard on a hotplate. To be quite honest I think this reviewer only submitted his review to try and start a new catchphrase: "I felt like I had thirteen dicks and they
Neill Cumpston qualifies as a major discovery by drompter	May 2nd, 2003 12:37:55 AM
Sorry...I couldn't...resist... LOL!!! LOL!!! LOL!!!
Neill Cumpston should write a book! by Demonoid	May 2nd, 2003 01:11:19 AM
This review kicked Hulk in the balls, ate out Jabba the Hutt, and gave Daredevil's dead Dad a chainsaw enima!
2nd Reloaded Review!!!!! by pumkinHead	May 2nd, 2003 01:19:14 AM
found this at: http://chud.com/board/ubbhtml/ ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f =1;t=009908;p=2 "I saw Reloaded this week in Chicago. As far as I could discern between the lines of his schtick, Cumpston saw it as well, but I have no real idea. His vagueness probably has as much to do with the fact that he signed a NDA (as I did) as it does with his whole reviewing "style". Anyway, while I can't really discuss the plot or specific events (which I know doesn't lend credence to the idea that I've seen it) I can discuss my overall impressions of it and how it might meet or fall below certain people's expectations. In short, it is technically amazing, as I'm sure anyone could guess. It truly does push the boundaries of stunts, effects, etc., etc. This is not hype. What it also manages to do is maintain the sense of intelligence and off the cuff bargain basement freshman philosophy course underpinnings that elevated the first one. It does address to me the most important and skimmed over question presented by the first film, that of the relationship between man and machine on a more than good vs. evil level. It doesn't go into as much depth on the subject as someone like Agent Orange would like, however, this idea is juat a flavoring on top of the film's main thrust, which is still, of course, the action. Like the first film, the Wachowskis don't go out of their way to make the main heroes particularly likeable or sympathetic; you won't learn much more about Trinity, Morpheus or Neo than you already knew. But I would argue that they were never interested in these characters as three dimensional people. The W Bros seem to be viewing the Matrix as a two-fold experiment in pop-culture entertainment and pseudo-philosophical technologist debate, and in that they've succeeded gloriously. I was not "moved" by the film the way that one would be by, say, the death of Boromir in FOTR, or the Luke/Vader scene in Empire, but I felt that same "hairs raised on the back of my neck am I really seeing something of this scope and magnitude" that one only gets with the greatest genre films. By comparison, Spider-Man did not do this for me, and the first Matrix, while it came close a couple of times (the first view of the fetus fields, or the final fight between Neo and Smith), never really completely came together either. So, what am I saying about Reloaded in the end? I think for those who simply want to be entertained on a basic, action movie level it will be "the most awesomest thing ever" at least until the next big fanboy film comes along. For those looking to hate it, there will still be criticisms about the lack of character depth or drama. The incredibly philosophically picky (I'm lookin at you, Orange) will still be disappointed in its lack of resemblance to a Philip Dick novel. And for the rest of us, who enjoyed the first one, and hoped the W Bros would expand the scope of the story and the action, while still keeping what worked about the first film, will be completely satisfied. If anyone wants to fire off some questions, shoot. I'll try to be as forthcoming as possible.
Another Fett-A-Thon and nobody told me... by Supa-SP.com	May 2nd, 2003 01:20:07 AM
Man, that sucks, I would have liked to join in with Fishy, Stan, FtF, and whoever else to gang up on Fett and rape his ass a little. I have to tell ya though, I like granny porn too. But me, I don't stop at 50 year olds, I like em just a bit older then that so that their tits are a little saggy and there is a distinct possibility that I might break a hip if I fuck hard enough. Thats the real deal...even though Michelle Pfeiffer is a smokin still. I can't say I begrudge Stan for likin his ladies older...at least he likes ladies. And yes, Fett, because I'm sure you'll be ready to scream and cheer and beat your chest that you've figured out who I am...I am indeed the same Supernova from those most excellent super secret Facer blogs. I'm the same vile, disgusting man who told BrassMonkey to fuck that whore while her husband was off to war. I'm the same dispicable lacky that talked of fucking your mother while she was giving birth to you and exploding into your newborn mouth. I'm the same piece of shit that almost singlehandedly dismantled The Facer's entire website and slept as soundly that night as I always do. And I'm the same motherfucker that shits in your mom's mouth every monday, wednesday, and friday at 7pm. So here's another, just for fucks sake, but Keep it up, Stan! Good job! Go get him! And I mean that for real, because I get no more entertainment then watching you repeatedly get your ass handed to you and then listen to you go on about how you think you are the one doing the good work. And I also love watching you switch gears in your arguments and contradict yourself over and over again as if you are really actually trying with all your feable mental capacity to make a point. One last thing, I'm the same Supernova that started www.scorched-planet.blogspot.c om for those of you who enjoyed Facer's site and want to keep living that life. No message board yet as we are just getting started, but I encourage you to stop by and drop me an email. If you like let me know, if you hate, tell me what you'd do different. www.scorched-planet.blogspot.c om And Fett is a raging man-fucking homosexual.
CAR CHASE SCENE by MATRIXNEO515	May 2nd, 2003 01:44:31 AM
THE SCENE IS GOING TO LAST 14 MINUTES. AND ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT IT IS GOING TO BE ABSOLUTELY AWESOME!!! THEY SPENT SEVEN WEEKS FILMING JUST THIS SEGMENT. IF YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CHASE AND SOMEMORE ABOUT THE FILM THERE IS A LINK ON THE OFFICIAL MATRIX WEBSTIE CALLED PRODUCTION NOTES. LOTS OF NEWS IN THERE BUT BECAREFUL THERE ARE SOME "SPOILERS". THE MATRIX HAS YOU
Matrix: Loved by Nerds and for Nerds of the WORLD!!! by Bong	May 2nd, 2003 02:28:02 AM
This article sums up the Matrix phenomenon so well http://slate.msn.com/id/208240 0/ let me paste a few insightful quotes: "But none of these explanations is sufficient. The real source of the fascination with The Matrix is that, despite all appearances, the movie is not a dystopia. Rather, it's a utopia, a geek paradise. The Matrix is a sci-fi John Hughes movie, in which a misfit learns that he's actually cool. (Think Harry Potter with guns.)" "As Alan Dean Foster puts it in Exploring the Matrix, an anthology of essays by science-fiction writers, Neo is "Everynerd": "His perceived world is a sham, a mistake, a carefully crafted fake, and you know, deep down, that yours is, too." But the movie has a special appeal to that subset of misfit, the computer geek. When we first see Neo, he's living alone in his cramped apartment, staying up all night on his computer. He's a programmer by day and a computer hacker by night. When he is rescued from his miserable existence, he discovers that he and his friends can learn anything
I think this "positive" review actually hurts the film... by Bong	May 2nd, 2003 02:29:58 AM
if this stupid moron likes it then I have my doubts
What an incoherent train wreck - completly unfunny. by desslok	May 2nd, 2003 02:42:41 AM
Gave up about six dirty words into the "review" (sic) - which means I read about 12 words total. I could bang my head on the keyboard a couple of times and spit out a better piece of crap.
Well, look at the bright side: This was still better than any of by jules windex	May 2nd, 2003 02:46:40 AM
X2 will OWN Matrix 2 and 3. I'm gonna go to sleep now so I can get up tomorrow and go see the summer's best movie.
This Guy Is A Fucking Idiot. by xrose	May 2nd, 2003 03:04:21 AM
I have no doubt in my mind that this movie is going to be great. But the guy reviewing is a fucking idiot.
Maybe I'm just tired. . . by Heffaloo	May 2nd, 2003 03:04:30 AM
... but I didn't find that the least bit amusing. Call me crazy, but I appreciate occasional grammar and punctuation. I feel like he needs to be slapped and sterilized so nothing like him ever happens again.
H F S by hyper-psycho	May 2nd, 2003 03:34:38 AM
HAHAHA ... this is great ... I cant wait to see this ... woooT
Look, I Can't Believe All oyu Dorks are Getting Worked Up Over by pencil-man	May 2nd, 2003 03:42:30 AM
What's up?, I mean it comes out in like 2 weeks and you all want to complain, look at the Big Picture. Harry, tell them.
Jesus this guy is some funckin retard by Dave Dasterdly	May 2nd, 2003 04:48:13 AM
i wish i could rewrite the main topic title on the main page. It would read "this retarded 13 yr old sent us a review of Matrix reloaded but theres no poing in reading it, here is something alot more realted to the matrix sequal though.... Fuckety fuck wank shit piss titty tit cunt tit fuck arse fuck shitty booby bum!!! enjoy!!"
Still waiting for the first real review of Matrix Reloaded... by Swarmy	May 2nd, 2003 06:00:16 AM
...cause this sure wasn't it.
Obvious by Martydownunder	May 2nd, 2003 06:05:18 AM
It is becoming increasingly obvious that this web site is being manipulated by the major Hollywood studios whether Harry knows about it or not to spread positive word of mouth about their film, no matter how bad it is. I don't think I have read any bad review of a blockbuster Hollywood flick here. If this is true then it's a shame because we need opinions and voices independent of the Hollywood machine!
Matrix Review?? by Captain Klutz	May 2nd, 2003 06:15:52 AM
Who know what words like "anomaly" and "exile" mean? People with more than two brain cells, YOU ILLITERATE MORON.
I'm looking for 'FINAL FLIGHT OF THE OSIRIS' full video by ash540	May 2nd, 2003 06:24:24 AM

IMBECILE!!! by Captain Klutz	May 2nd, 2003 06:28:16 AM
Truely the most feeble review ever on this site. And thats saying something.
HA-HA! Master right, you surface-monkey's will be easy to conque by Snaga-ape	May 2nd, 2003 07:53:12 AM
Snaga-ape not decide which more pathetic, this "review" or pretentious surface-monkey's who say "Oh, this is a witty and humorous metaphor and you others need to lighten up!" Give us break one time. Snaga-ape hear funnier stream of concious from depressed dung beetles. This rock head who write review must have head hard-wired to everypornosite.com as it seem to be all that fill his head. Matrix movie was enjoyable on many level but it not second coming of Son-O-God. Snaga-ape guess that movies where "reviewer" get his philisophy on life. I go sneak up-surface to see this in spite of this pile of maggot vomit review. Snaga-ape also scared Harry think this worth posting but then I am only worthless snaga and what do snaga know?
Maybe this will be a great movie after all by Mr Jingles	May 2nd, 2003 08:35:55 AM
If salaciousness in the review is an indicator for the quality of the movie then Matrix Reloaded must be excellent. After Harry's Blade II review and Neil's review of X2, which were quite original, and then seeing the movies (Blade II was magnificent and X2, which I saw Wednesday night here in Germany and which really is all it's hyped up to be)I'm really getting my hopes up for this movie. However, I still don't think that's the way that reviews should be going.
Gay-trix Regurgitated by Ninja Nerd	May 2nd, 2003 09:15:51 AM
If that was a review, which I doubt, it does accurately describe a goofy, "why the hell should I care" plot loosely stapled onto a series of upscale wire-fu scenes. At some level, you have to suspend disbelief for any movie, but The Matrix was stupid beyond my ability to do that. I will wait for the moronic "RE" sequels to hit cable so I can turn them off when I feel the need to blow chunks at the screen.
This guy's review... by Blue_In_The_Face	May 2nd, 2003 09:17:12 AM
Can be summarized like this: "The Matrix kicks gives you a blow job while fucking you in the ass with a John Holmes dildo then and slaps you in the face with a shovel when you are comming then crackels a whip in your back while eating Jell-O pudding." That's the extent of it. I want to review a movie and use all kinds of hyperboles like that too! Is fun! I would like to review the Hulk by saying: "Hulk is not only incredible but the big green guy jumps out the movie scree grabs you by the nuts shits on your popcorn hurls you around until you beg him to stop and once you think he's done he will step on your back and break your spine while he eats the same popcorn that he laid a giant gamma shit in!" There you go! I'm done reviewing! Harry fix the post, is fucked up that you have to scroll sidewasy to read everything!
I just read this again... by AliceInWonderlnd	May 2nd, 2003 09:21:33 AM
And if anything, I am even more blown away by its comedic genius than I was before. I wish I had written this. I really do. "This movie is tits!". That rocks, dude. I'd apply this phrase generically to my everyday life if I weren't so scared of getting fired.
out!!of!!cum!! by splat	May 2nd, 2003 09:45:46 AM
I just read this guys review for the third time and I'm still laughing. Anyone who hates Cumpston will feel my wrath!!!!!!!!!!! 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10
Hilarious by Funcoflipper	May 2nd, 2003 11:11:16 AM
The entire review can be summed up as "What a fantastic movie!" ....But it sure was a colorful review.. I loved it.
So fucking what by Glass	May 2nd, 2003 11:46:21 AM
Neill isn't William Shakespeare, so what? He's funny, he gives a good rendition in writing of the fantasy world he lives in, and you get a good vibe of what the film is like. And I have to disagree, I don't think the review was filled with spoilers. It was well done. More importantly, this movie will rock. And who fucked up the talkback?
best review i've ever read... in the history of ever by jamawalk	May 2nd, 2003 02:17:26 PM
that guy should be working for the new york times, or perched next to that fat-fatty roger ebert... that's hands down the best review ive ever read...ever. shit.
Give this guy a TV show by jakeblues	May 2nd, 2003 04:13:38 PM
Oh my... I can't tell you how I stopped convulsing in laughter after reading this. Its the most profanely beautiful piece of art I've ever seen. "the beating feels like summer and Halloween and Cheetos at the same time." Pure poetry.
very funny by DocPazuzu	May 2nd, 2003 04:36:52 PM
You people need to lighten up if you take that as a serious movie review. There will be enough of those in the days to come. In the meantime, enjoy Mr. Cumpston's chaos. And, if you liked that, head on over to the "Night of the Creeps" film review site for some of the funniest reviews of horror movies ever written -- very much in a similar vein: zombie.dreamhost.com
Fake or not...thie review makes me now NOT want to see the film by Bong	May 2nd, 2003 04:59:33 PM
If its some marketing ploy...what a failure..what retard decided on that??? How could any sane rational person write garbage like that? Did some stupid idiot actually think this review would attract viewers???? If you're going to dumb down a review to attract a larger demographic, at least make it cool and interesting. After reading this crap I've totally lost my interest in the films. To use the asshole's language" FUCK the freakin movie! And I'm sick and tired of that (here we go again) assmunch Joel Silver come on every show and boast that this movie has the greatest effects and no one will ever make a movie that compares. What a sack of shit. Yea that agent jumping on cars on the freeway suuuurrrreee looks real to me. I'll just wait until it comes out on DVD...I'll put my money on Hulk or X2
Hey, I dont have a sack to hold on to....not everyone here is a by beegirl	May 2nd, 2003 05:11:34 PM
So there.
Great Review--But Trinity Dies??? by Homer Sexual	May 2nd, 2003 05:12:11 PM
Ok, that review got me even more psyched-if possible-than I was before. But I am worried about the "someone dies" comment. I haven't seen any evidence that Trinity is in Part 3, which made me wonder if my favorite Matrix resident was going to die in Part 2, and now "someone dies?" Please tell me it isn't Trinity.
Jeezus H Chist, man, calm down! by azrielen	May 2nd, 2003 05:12:42 PM
I'm excited about the movie too, but that was possibly the most horrendous thing I've ever read. Thanks for coughing up the review, Neil, but seriously. Some of that was pretty offensive. But thanks again anyway. I'm still stoked as all hell...
and that`s the positive side of the MOVIE BELCH (i hope it`s cor by drjones	May 2nd, 2003 05:19:25 PM
i mean that kind of review doesn`t really serve as a review...it serves as some entertaining piece of pulp phrases. and i`ve to agree with some of you ...it`s pretty funny that "review"
by sharon needles	May 2nd, 2003 05:26:42 PM
Hey gang, go ahead and get those fire-ant-ridden sticks out of your collective cunts. His writing style is SATIRICAL and PURPOSELY OVER-THE-TOP and HYPERBOLIC and all those other big words that heavy intellectuals bandy about. And if he doesn't reveal major plot details it's because everyone who has seen the movie thus far has had to sign contracts to not reveal too much. Remember when he revealed that BIG FAT X2 spoiler and you all fell on your snatches and cried?
by farmboy	May 2nd, 2003 05:26:44 PM

homer sexual... by fettitular	May 2nd, 2003 06:11:52 PM
No. Trinity does not die. She can be seen in the superbowl trailer in Club Hell with morpheus and seraph, which takes place in revolutions.
Neill, you make me laugh by BillyShakes	May 2nd, 2003 06:54:29 PM
Thank you for the review. It's nice to read something that isn't all pretentious Film Student Bullshit. This is an ACTION movie, folks! DON'T overexamine it, DON'T try to read deeper meaning into it, just enjoy it like Neill did. pax
Jeffrey Wells loves Neil Cumpston by Dan_Average	May 3rd, 2003 02:36:17 AM
http://www.moviepoopshoot.com/ elsewhere/71.html
"Murphus and Trinity free this Key Dude and fight these Edgar Wi by A Winner Is You	May 3rd, 2003 05:15:01 AM
Obscure references = goldmine. As has been previously noted, this dude seriously needs to hook up with Seanbaby, and the world would be a much nicer place...
Don't know how the film will be, but the trailer before X2 had m by TheGinger Twit	May 3rd, 2003 11:01:00 AM

who was by frank cotton	May 3rd, 2003 01:21:09 PM
the fuckwit that stretched out the talkback?
Take a red pill and chill by Nuliz	May 4th, 2003 07:10:53 AM
I was laughing and going " what da hell " when I read the review. I could tell he did see the film because it coincided with the new production notes on the Matrix's official site, which was up after this review. At a closer look, the incoherent review was very calculated, any time a secret could be revealed he either didn't "freakin get it", or it was "like sex on drugs", without actual description. And anything he did reveal, was also later posted at the official site. Now, a guy who thinks and talks the way he wrote the review, could not pull a stunt like that. I don't believe he seriously found the plot boring. He was just saying that to appeal to the audience who actually talk like the way he wrote, i.e. audience who don't care jack shiet about Matrix's references to philosophy, mythology and religion. He did that because the studio already knows that anyone who is attracted to this fresh and modern mythical epic will be there to catch it on the big screen. He definitely saw the movie, but the review on the story is obviously a very calculated lie, to keep the plot's secrets and to attract people who demands minimal plot with heavy loaded action.
If youy can't see this for what it is, which is crude, and over by SteveTBK	May 5th, 2003 02:18:42 PM
...then you are a moron and should be beaten with a flaming snow shovel until you admit what a boob you were.
I think Neill Cumpston's... by Wilko	May 6th, 2003 11:43:08 AM
...really Moriarty! I think he's just reacting to people who think his reviews are too highbrow! And if it ain't then, fuck it, it's funny as hell...
Forget Matrix, Forget X2, the summer will... by GammaRay	May 6th, 2003 06:27:29 PM
belong to the HULK. You hear it first. Matrix review was dead on. This movie is start becoming the phantom menance (lots of Hype, bad review, and bad words of mouth). The Hulk on the the other hand will be the next spiderman and destroy whoever and whatever crosses his path. Matrix revolution might az well delay for another year until they get it right az that will be destroy by Return of the King. You Matrix slave bitches just have to accept reality because there is no such thing az the Matrix. "Hulk bitch slap that Bill and Ted guy and send him flying for real"
Can't fucking wait by Hazuki	May 9th, 2003 07:48:53 AM

There's gonna be some on-screen ass-kicking by Hazuki	May 9th, 2003 07:55:30 AM
Can't wait to see this movie. Action packed, sci-fi, special fucking effects, martial arts, superpower-movies rule the world, baby! X2 was a slight dissapointment, not because of the story but because of the lack of action. After reading this preview, I'm absolutely sure this is gonna be a orgasm-like rush!! Hail to the Wachowsky-brothers! It's real-life manga with a good script, it's the matrix!
the above review is completely real by Ohio813	May 15th, 2003 02:02:01 PM
the above review is completely real
Perfect by Deadmeat	May 18th, 2003 06:13:07 AM
Before seeing the movie this review may have seemed incoherant and crazy although very funny....but now I know that the movie could not be described any other way. My eyes never left the screen and my mouth was dry it hung open so often. When I lose count of how many times I want to scream "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" then I know I just saw a sweet ass film.
Last by scudworth	May 24th, 2003 04:54:47 AM
Neill Cumpston, you are a god......please god contrinute regularly...... Matrix Reloaded was fucking awesome, sure its not the first one and dosn't break as much ground as the first but Neo beating the shit out of all those Lord Elronds is worth the price of admission alone....
$280 million can't be wrong! by T-MACK 1.01	Aug 4th, 2003 01:57:59 PM
IT WAST TITS!

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NEILL CUMPSTON IS THE FIRST PERSON ON THE PLANET TO REVIEW MATRIX RELOADED!! HOLD ONTO YOUR SACK!!

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