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Looks like the Lucky Ogre was... umm "luh.. luh... luuuuh.. ke.. keey..." to see
TARZAN AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD. And he just... loooooooooooooooooved
it, uh huh, yup suuuuuuuuuuuure he did. Uh huh! R-'EYE'-Tuh!!! Well given the
previous reviews and words were... unkind, I can say be cautious, beware. There is still a
great Tarzan adaptation to be made. I love the Johnny Weismuller TARZANs. In fact when I was but a wee little
child I was babysat by the man himself shortly before he passed away. His films had a beautiful innocence and
splendor that is lost in this modern age of ours, but they
are not very faithful to Burroughs, that doesn't mean, they didn't work. It just means there
is room. Unfortunately between this and the Disney animated TARZAN (which I'm dying
to see more of) seemed to have destroyed the George Cosmatos helmed project before it
got off the ground. Sigh... Maybe... one day, a new Elmo Lincoln will stun us all!
Hey Harry, today I was uhm "Lucky" enough to attend a test screening in
Thousand Oaks California of Tarzan and The Lost City of Gold. It should
stay
lost.
As soon as the WB logo came up (You know, that 75th anniversary one that
reminds you of all the great movies of the past, and how Warner's is slowly
going down the crapper, except for 187 and LA Confidential of course.) The
movie starts out with some corny narration about Tarzan and the Lost City
of Opar, and it just goes down from there. Some nasty white guys led by a BAD
archaologist named Ravens (oooh scary name) pillage an African tribal
funeral and burn the village. Luckily, it's witnessed by a lion who mentally beams
the message to Tarzan (Played with an english accent worse than Costner's by
Casper Van Dien of Starship Troopers). Where is Tarzan? He's in England at
his bachelor party! He's marrying Jane (Played by Jane March who wasn't bad but
whom I'll never forgive for being in that movie where Bruce Willis went the
full monty. Argg my innocence is ruined because of Color of Night), so in
the style befitting John Clayton the Earl of Greystoke they go hang out in a
pub so small and rustic it looks like something out of "How Green Was my
Valley".Tarzan looks in to the fireplace, and sees what the lion sees, (They might
as well have had Comissioner Gordon send out the Tarzan-Signal...It could be
shaped like a loincloth).
Tarzan has to go back to the jungle to stop this, but when he tells her
(In a scene where the camera WON'T stop rotating around the characters) she gets
mad because it'll screw up their wedding plans. But he says "I love you Jane"
and leaves.
He ends up on a riverboat going down what looks like the cheap river from
Anaconda (Which is much better than this). We're treated to some crappy
stock footage (I guess it wouldn't be a Tarzan movie without) and Tarzan gets off
in a small town, introduces himself to Ravens and warns him that if he messes
with his tribal friends he'll have to put the smack down.Ravens explains
how if he can just find that lost city of Opar, they can both be wildly rich.
He ignores Tarzan's warning and he and his men go out and shoot an ape, we
hear
that Tarzan yell, The camera moves incoherently through the treetops,
and...some more apes drop down on the bad guys. Tarzan's having damned
dirty
apes doing the work for him! After half the guys are dispatched, Tarzan
finally shows up in CUTOFF KHAKI'S!! The ape that got shot dies, and in a
total ripoff scene from "Greystoke", Tarzan and the other apes start
hooting
and poking at the dead ape. He then gets really pissed and yells his Tarzan
yell right in to the Camera (the audience giggled).
Meanwhile Jane shows up in Africa because Darnit! She loves that big lug
of
an ape man! Ravens gets real friendly with Jane while she's waiting to
surprise old Tarzan. During Ravens' dinner with Jane, Tarzan comes back in
to
the little town and Trashes all of Ravens' Gear to delay his journey to
Opar.
Tarzan and Jane escape to the Jungle and his Treehouse, he introduces her
to
"My family" as he puts them. These ape suits are BAD They look like they
were
Rejected from "2001" At least there's one live Chimp, who's name is not
Cheetah by the way. The movie becomes a series of jungle chases as Tarzan
and
Jane try to stop Ravens from reaching the lost city. When they finally get
to
the entrance there's a big fight between Tarzan's tribal friends and
Ravens'
men. The bad guys win it, and take the kidnapped Jane inside the Temple...
Tarzan on their trail (He's finally wearing a loincloth because he got it
magically put on...no joke). The inside is supposed to be some sort of
impressive Indiana Jones type thing, but reminds you more of "Goonies".
They
fight some more, and Tarzan and Jane chase Ravens out of the Temple to a
hidden valley with a giant pyramid... IT's OPAR FINALLY!!!!... and it's not
impressive. No leopard women or anything. Some REALLY DUMB STUFF HAPPENS,
I'M
NOT GOING TO SPOIL IT BECAUSE IF I HAD TO PUT UP WITH THIS MOVIE
TO FIND
OUT
YOU SHOULD TOO. The movie ends with Tarzan and Jane Swinging towards the
screen and freeezing there. It was so corny I'll be picking out of my teeth
for weeks.
I long for Johnny Weismuller to come kick this guy's ass. In an interview,
Casper Van Dien (who I saw after the movie) said he was "gonna kick
Christopher Lambert's Highlander ass" in the Tarzan department. This movie
is
NO GREYSTOKE, It's not even up to par with the Bo Derek version.. Hell!
It's
Not even George of the Jungle!!
The only tolerable thing about the movie was the Monkey (Who's barely in
it).
It's being marketed as a family film, but I doubt kids would like it that
much. When I was about 5, I used to run around the backyard climbing on
things
in my underwear playing Tarzan....The cool Tarzan, the savage lord of the
jungle I read when I was 12, the Tarzan my father watched as a boy when he
got
to actually meet Johnny Weismuller...THIS WAS NOT THAT TARZAN...
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