El Cosmico here with fun and convoluted news! Looks like the UPN might be gone soon.

We all know that our lives are run by super-giant corporations that we have no control over, and that they will construct mad carnivorous robots with lamprey-brains, and along those lines, I bring you a possible scenario for the passing of UPN..But first, let me remind you of their excellent fare!

• Dilbert
• Grown Ups
• I Dare You! The Ultimate Challenge
• Malcolm and Eddie
• Moesha
• The Parkers
• Secret Agent Man
• 7 Days
• Shasta
• Star Trek: Voyager
• The Strip
• WWF Smackdown!

Uhhh...yes. Smackdown indeed. Such fine choices. I mean, there's not a whole lot more you can say about a network that is being carried by a show such as Smackdown, especially now that the Star Trek franchise is not only in the toilet, it's been flushed repeatedly and is clogging the pipes. The best thing I can say about UPN is that they have a hell of a better record of minority representation than the still lily-white lineups of just about every other network...so they deserve serious kudos for that at least, or rather, the other networks deserve a smackdown of another type for not being more progressive. But, that's another article.

So then, why might the network be kaput? Well, you see, Viacom was in talks last week to buy Chris-Craft, a sizeable tv network company, and by the end of last week, Viacom pulled out and decided not to buy, throwing Chris-Craft's stock price through the floor. Capitalist speculation is fun!

It so happens that Viacom uses Chris-Craft's network to distribute UPN in just about every major market. In other words, if Chris-Craft stops distributing UPN, it will either not show at all in most major markets, or it will have to become a cable network. Of course, Paramount could shop around current UPN content in syndication to other networks as well, but I don't think the current lineup would compete well, with the obvious and odious exception of the aforementioned Smackdown.

Things now look worse for the Viacom/Chris-Craft relationship, as Rupert "The Rupe" Murdoch is now poised, with his gloriously enormous News Corporation empire, to buy out Chris-Craft himself. They've even offered a beefy premium price for Chris-Craft shares. In fact, it's probable that they were privately making offers to out-bid Viacom the whole time, so as to further spread the gospel of the Fox network. For that, I give them a hearty "Well done."

Well, if it means that more people watch Futurama, I suppose that's good. Of course, I'm going to miss watching...umm...well, I can't think of anything I've ever watched on UPN. So, I guess everything's going to be all right after all.