Hola all. Massawyrm here.

Okay, I’m going to make this quick and easy. If you don’t have daughters or a little boy too young to discern between girly and manly entertainment yet, then there is no reason to see this film whatsoever. Ever. It’s not so much a movie as it is an extended, higher budget version of the show. Just without much of a plot. And as much as I’d love to sit here and take potshots at the thing for fun, there’s really nothing WRONG with it, per se – except that it has almost zero entertainment value for anyone over the age of 13. But then again, they never try to entertain anyone over that age either.

The truth is HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE accomplishes everything it sets out to do. It is a wholesome, easily digestible piece of processed Disney entertainment meant to milk one last wad of cash before the Miley Cyrus money train makes its final stop in the life cycle of the Disney star-making machine. And the kids ate it up, pure and simple. Sure it was stupid and lacked what most people would call an involved story (LIZZY MCGUIRE seems almost epic in scope by comparison), but it moved along at a solid clip, gave the kids exactly what they wanted and they all walked out afterwards talking about how great it was. At the same time it’s entirely endurable by a parent without being too bad to make you want to watch the trailer loop in the lobby instead.

Sure, if you’re like me you might want to punch Billy Ray Cyrus in the face every time he’s on screen. He’s traded his outmoded mullet for an outdated soul patch and still pulls out the guitar to remind us that once upon a time he was a big time star too. And while there’s part of me that wants to give him shit for exploiting his daughter, the girl really is set for life. Once the whole Disney phenom thing is over she can go to college, bum around Europe, find herself and never have to work a day in her life again. She’s set. So really, he’s just obnoxious. But seeing him reminded me how badly I wish Bill Hicks was still alive, if only to hear what he’d have to say about this movie.

Look, I’ve seen the bottom of the barrel of children’s entertainment. Compared to something as vapid, hollow and filled with negative stereotypes as BRATZ: THE MOVIE, this is a refreshing breath of mountain air. It’s all about the importance of family and remembering where you came from, no matter who you are or how big you become, and stresses being yourself over being something else. The romantic angle is particularly interesting in this as the male love interest only has eyes for Miley and doesn’t seem the least bit interested in superstar Hannah Montana. And if anything, little girls need more of that positive “it’s not the makeup and the clothes that make the girl” self image build up. So as much as someone might WANT to hate this on principle, you can’t. It’s really pretty harmless.

Of course, that doesn’t stop it from becoming a series of identity swap bits and wig gags, without anything to keep an adult interested enough to care. I just wish they’d been able to cram a few more 90’s has-beens into the movie, as Billy Ray, Vanessa Williams and Tyra Banks weren’t quite enough to satiate my “embarrassment for remembering who these people are” quotient. If you’re a dad with little girls, take them to this, followed by some ice cream and make their weekend. Otherwise there are much better and far worse things out there this weekend for you to see.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.

Massawyrm

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