Hola all. Massawyrm here.

RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN is one of those great ideas that just didn’t turn out so well. I had fun with it, but I’m a child of the '80s who grew up madly, deeply and truly in love with science fiction/fantasy B-films. And while this might have an A-list star and a top notch supporting cast, it is a deeply flawed, underwritten tangle that cannot escape its own b-movie roots. That’s not to say that it isn’t an effective family film that won’t be embraced by today’s 10 year olds – it probably will. But despite the talent present and the keen nostalgia factor, the film is a cliché riddled mess that won’t endear itself to viewers much older than that.

Based upon the same book as the original ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN, this follows roughly the same story. But in the place of an aging widower instead we have a cab driving PG version of THE TRANSPORTER (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) who stumbles upon the kids and must protect them from an alien assassin and a bunch of government types seemingly working for Operation Blue Book. While it is well paced and there are a number of cool action scenes it is burdened with a number of logic flaws that slowly begin to become inescapable. The moment the kids begin to use their intense alien super powers questions begin to form, but once the girl displays the ability to control Johnson’s cab with her mind you begin to wonder why they have Johnson around at all.

And if you begin to over think it, the entire film begins to crumble. The Government types possess the ability to find two blurry kids seen from the back of their heads by sifting through footage from 3000 Las Vegas security cameras in under 10 seconds, but if a half destroyed taxi cab zigs around a corner when they expect it to zag, they get waylaid and lose it for hours. One of the aliens possesses the ability to read minds, but only when it involves speeding the plot along – never when she’s curious about being inconspicuous on a strange planet. The aliens know they’re being tracked and don’t trust Johnson, but that never stops them from letting him follow them around into secret rooms that they should probably keep to themselves. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. While kids certainly won’t be asking questions like this, you will, and so will they one day – which sadly means this film won’t grow up very well with them. Much like the original for us. Good sci-fi is internally consistent and holds up to questioning – hell, GREAT sci-fi is so internally consistent that you can actually come up with the answers yourself. This is neither.

But it does have a wonderful cast who are all doing their damndest to have a good time, and they are given a precious few wonderful moments that make the film watchable. Ciaran Hinds plays the government baddie and is backed up by a terribly underused Christopher Marquette and Tom Everett Scott – all of whom make the very best of what they’re given. Garry Marshall has a small role and is funny as hell doing it. Johnson is sadly given next to nothing to do outside of generic action guy stuff, which admittedly he does very well, but it is painfully obvious in a movie filled with comedy that they aren’t using his natural talent for comedy. The one good line he’s given he nails and creates the funniest moment in the film, but outside of that you can just see him struggling to find something to do despite being the center of attention. The kids, on the other hand, are fantastic – just as adorable and likable as their predecessors, and given enough interesting to do to make them genuinely fascinating to watch.

But no matter how much you like everyone, the film gets weighed down in a very cheesy, theme park driven third act loaded with “Who the hell would actually build that” moments. One scene has the heroes scaling down an “exhaust shaft”, a giant metal cylinder that spontaneously erupts in pillars of flame. Seriously. Who the hell would actually build that? And if you did, why the hell would you put a ladder in it? I don’t know, but it’s there. And this moment is not alone in its silliness. Compounding the problem are the fairly cheap special effects, ultimately trumped by the VERY WORST CG SPECIAL EFFECT I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE. Oh my god. It’s awful. You will laugh, I promise you. And no, I don’t need to describe it for you to know what I’m talking about. You’ll know it when you see it. It’s what one of my good friends refers to as a “That JUST happened” moment.

This is not, sadly, a great family film. It is however a fun Saturday matinee. It’s goofy, well paced and likable enough when it is allowed to be and will entertain the hell out of your kids who will be having a blast daydreaming about being an awesome alien super being with really neat powers. And you might feel a twinge of nostalgia for when you enjoyed films like this, perhaps even the original. But if you think about it too hard it’ll crumble right before your eyes, so it is best enjoyed as what it is. Goofy, mindless fun. If you don’t have kids interested in seeing this then there’s little reason to bother.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.

Massawyrm

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