International Eye Candy
March 4, 2009

Ladies and gentlemen, beware the BOOB! Yes, the most striking trailer in this installment of International Eye Candy belongs to the shortest film of them all – total running time a mere two minutes, fifty seconds – and we'll be saving that one for last. But before we get there we've got a trio of tasty morsels from Australia, Hong Kong chick fights, Czech noir, Belgian stop motion cows, and the proverbial more, more, more. Yes kids, I am Todd from Twitch and this is your regular installment of International Eye Candy.

What the hell, let's get things started with that Hong Kong chick fight action. The film in question is COWEB, the directorial debut from the guy who plays Clubfoot in the ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA films, opposite Jet Li. The star? Jiang Luxia, a female martial artist who first made a name for herself through a series of online stunt reels and by becoming a finalist on Jackie Chan's martial arts reality show THE DISCIPLE. And let me tell you, this girl is the real thing. We've posted some trailers and things from COWEB in the past and now we've got a brand new fight reel for your enjoyment. Very tasty.

Find the COWEB reel here

From Hong Kong we head to Australia for our first of three visits. This one belongs to BEAUTIFUL, a gorgeously shot thriller with one of the lead actors from last year's festival hit ACOLYTES. This one's like a grim, adolescent version of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, the story of hidden secrets in a suburb whose young women are becoming the victims of a local kidnapper – three of them now have simply disappeared in the middle of the night. Throw in an awkward young teen and the beautiful neighbor girl who knows exactly what sort of effect she has on him and things get messy …

Find the BEAUTIFUL trailer here

It's Australia mark two with VAN DIEMEN'S LAND, this one a historical thriller that goes all the way back to the nation's roots as a penal colony and the story of its most notorious criminal – a man who famously turned to cannibalism after escaping from prison. This one just debuted at the Adelaide Film Festival to much love and it's not hard to see why at all: gritty subject matter and fantastic production values make for potent viewing.

Find the VAN DIEMEN'S LAND trailer here

And now Australian film the third, this one being THE LAST RIDE, in which Hugo Weaving stars as a criminal on the run from the law with his young son in tow. If anybody out there has seen THE PROPOSITION – and if you haven't, you should – you'll find a sort of spiritual sibling here, a film filled with beautiful, desolate landscapes that'll swallow you whole and spit out your bones if you pause to admire them too long. And, really, you don't really need to comment on Weaving at this point of his career, now do you? He's always strong and this looks like no exception.

Go on THE LAST RIDE here

And now one of my very favorite things in the history of ever and anywhere, hysterically surreal Belgian stop motion animation PANIQUE AU VILLAGE aka A TOWN CALLED PANIC. Thrill to the exploits of Cowboy, Indian and Horse – those clunky plastic toys you know and love from your childhood – as they wreak very silly havoc on their surroundings. I'm both baffled and very, very happy that they're making the cult hit TV show into a feature film and even happier that the uber-silly trailer clip has arrived online.

Visit A TOWN CALLED PANIC here

You know what would make all those frightened PANIQUE cows sleep a little easier? The knowledge that somewhere in Thailand the tables have been turned and it's the humans on the menu rather than the cows. The film is MEAT GRINDER and it's as aptly titled as they come. We've linked to this one in the past but it's back with a lengthier trailer and it looks really surprisingly good in a very nasty, bloody sort of way. Don't eat the soup.

Find the MEAT GRINDER here

Ready for something completely different? How about the trailer for AGORA, the huge budget historical epic from THE OTHERS director Alejandro Amenabar with Rachel Weisz as Hypatia of Alexandria. They kept this one under exceptionally tight wraps for a good long time but the trailer is on the scene now and it is flat out gorgeous.

Visit the AGORA here

Well, we've had our three from Australia, and now here is our first of two neo-noir pictures. The film is NORMAL, a Czech offering following a notorious serial killer's relationship in prison with his lawyer. On paper it sounds a bit SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, on screen it's pure Raymond Chandler. But Chandler could only wish he looked this good.

Find the NORMAL trailers here

From Prague we head to the good ol' US of A for our second noir offering, this one Jeremy Alter's action-noir THE PERFECT SLEEP. This one is beginning a limited theatrical run in LA on March 13th and if you have any weakness for femmes fatales and hard boiled cons you owe it to yourself to check out the trailer: Alter's a genius with a camera.

Find the PERFECT SLEEP trailer here

It's Hong Kong's happiest movie of the year, Dennis Law's A VERY SHORT LIFE! No, that's not true, at least not the happy part. Law is a frustratingly inconsistent figure on the Hong Kong film scene, ranging from an A-list producer (Johnnie To's ELECTION, for one) to a solidly entertaining B-flick director (Wu Jing star vehicle FATAL CONTACT) to purveyor or absolute dreck (similarly titled FATAL MOVE, which is just icky). Which Law is behind A VERY SHORT LIFE? One who thought it would be a good idea to make a Cat III film about child abuse. I'm still not sure whether he's intending this as an exploitation picture or a serious treatment of the topic but the trailer seems to lean towards exploitation, which is a pretty mind numbing decision.

Find the A VERY SHORT LIFE trailer here

Is Dante Lam's SNIPER a good film? Nobody knows and, honestly, nobody much cares. What it is, however, is a notorious film, a crown it wears by virtue of being the film Hong Kong star Edison Chen had just completed before his career was exploded into tiny little pieces by a sex-photo scandal that took down not only his career but a number of prominent actresses. The film has been held up ever since – Chinese censorship have refused to pass it with Chen in it and his role is too prominent to cut – but it looks as though it may finally have a shot at release. If nothing else, it's finally got some trailers out in public.

Check out the SNIPER trailer here

Any fans of Jake West's EVIL ALIENS out there? Because West is back with his first proper feature since. DOGHOUSE once again works splatter-comedy turf, this one following a van full of lads trying to console a friend going through a rough divorce only to end up in a town where an air borne toxin has turned all of the women into ravenous, violent creatures intent on their destruction. Which sounds kind of like my house. He's got a surprisingly strong cast in this one – I'm very surprised to see Stephen Graham, in particular, doing this sort of thing after his stunning performance in THIS IS ENGLAND – and it looks like all sorts of fun.

Enter the DOGHOUSE here

It's firm. It's supple. It's synthetic. It's the BOOB and it's one hundred per cent pure evil.

Fondle the BOOB, if you dare!