Hola all. Massawyrm here.

Frank Martin is back. His suit is pressed; his car waxed and properly weighed. All that’s left to do is to get a job. The question is, has Frank been hired a few times too many? I loved the first Transporter as one can read in my infamous final review conveniently posted here, and loathed the second for its brazen stupidity which you can read about here. Everything I loved about the first, from its fun tone to its insane ingenuity, I found completely lacking in the second. Somewhere round about the time Frank tried to defuse a bomb underneath his car by flipping it in mid air and knocking it off with a crane hook was about the time I checked out. I occasionally like my action movies goofy, but not so far removed from reality that they become a cartoon. And with director Leterrier having just come off of Danny the Dog (aka Unleashed) part 2 proved to be a profound disappointment. So when I walked into this I was curious which incarnation of Frank Martin I would find. The tough Hong Kong style action hero? Or the stupid Americanized one?

On the upside, Transporter 3 very much is a part of the first movie’s universe. Not the second. Once again the stunts play with pliability of the laws of physics without actually shattering them with a hammer (or a fight scene aboard a crashing plane. Cough. Ahem.) While the Inspector returns once again, this time his presence is always warranted and feels natural – rather than that whole ridiculous how the hell can we get him to America and then convince the police to let him do their job for them that they pulled in the last one. Really, if there was anything in the film that made it look like they were fumbling in the dark with their dicks, it was those sequences right there. This time round his presence is often a welcome break from Frank and his passenger.

BUT that’s not to say that this is in any way as good as the first. This film definitely feels like Besson has been spreading himself a little thin and trying desperately to find clever things for Frank to do. There isn’t a fight scene in here that is half as clever as in the original, nor is there a single car chase that manages to capture the magic of the OMFG awesomeness of that opening chase that sparked the whole series. In fact, most of the car chase scenes are pretty humdrum, only on rare occasion getting you to scoot forward in your seat a little. The few fight scenes there are sure are fun to watch – but they’re mostly just run of the mill ass beating, something even the second film never really succumbed to. And for some reason there’s not as much action as there was in either of the previous films, something of a cardinal sin for sequels. Once you’ve set the bar at a certain level, you have expectations. Unfortunately, Besson got the silly idea that we’d be interested in the wafer thin plot he cooked up for this and spends more time on that than he probably should.

That said, the film takes an interesting twist on the first film – effectively setting up the same story but completely changing the dynamic. In the first film he was protecting a girl that he should probably dump but can’t bring himself to. This time around he’s trapped in the car with a girl he can’t stand and clearly would like to kick out the door at any second, but can’t. It’s a fun play on the story, but something folks not already a fan of the series will find to simply be the same film all over again.

But it is fun. Despite some silly moments and a more toned down pace, the film still manages to entertain with its sense of humor and what action moments there are. The villains in this are kind of cool and the aspects of the cat and mouse game they play back and forth with Frank are definitely a dynamic worth watching. At times the film is preposterous, but it never forgets to let you have fun if you’re willing to embrace it. But when all is said and done, it is a film that you will like despite itself. Is it kick ass? Yeah. Sure it is. Just not kick ass enough to get too excited about. I’d put this smack dab in the category of matinee actioners – it’s something you’re bound to enjoy, but not so much to drag people back to see it.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I’d like to take a moment to call a moratorium on females-seducing-badasses-only-to-be-rejected sequences in films as of late. When the hell did all of our action heroes develop gay “not on the first date” streaks? Within the last year I’ve seen five or six action heroes turn down stripping, hot European girls. Let me say this now and let me use all caps to be clear. THERE IS NOTHING COOL ABOUT TURNING DOWN PERFECTLY GOOD PUSSY. I dig character depth and sensitivity in a hero – but how many times do I have to watch a woman titillate the audience, going so far as to strip down and show her goods for all the men and boys to see, only to have the hero turn and walk away.

Not cool.

I don’t care if you skip the love scene altogether or even the hint of one. Just don’t set one up just so our guy can be too cool for school and act like he doesn’t want to. WE ALL WANT TO. It comes with being a dude. Don’t throw the girl at the wall if she’s not going to stick. And if they are going to do it, don’t force him. Frank Martin doesn’t need to turn it down before saying yes at gunpoint to show how cool he is. He’s cool because he’s cool. SSSSHHH! You’re gonna wake up the other bitches. You know what I’m saying? That’s cool.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.

Massawyrm

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