Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here.

You know, a good 2/3 of all stupid Internet movie rumors that gain any traction whatsoever could be stopped cold in their tracks if people would just think. I know it's Hollywood, but logic does still apply.

I’m not going to promise BUZZKILL as a regular column, but when the situation presents itself, maybe we should trot this one out from time to time.

First, let’s talk about BATMAN 3.

Or better yet, let’s not. For about a year. Since that’s the earliest you’ll hear anything that could remotely be called news about characters or casting or the script or anything. A year from now. Not next week. Not next month. It will be a while.

Christopher Nolan’s next film will not be about Batman. I think you can pretty much count on that. And until Christopher Nolan officially says, “I’m not making another Batman film,” no one else is going to. He is absolutely, 100% going to be given first refusal on the next film, and right now, that’s it. That’s all the news there is.

I repeat... so we’re clear... Christopher Nolan has not decided what to do next. And he is not signed to make another Batman film yet.

So that means no script. No story. No anything. No creative choices have been made about what to do with the next film. Right now, Warner Bros. is busy making party hats out of $1000 bills, counting all the silly, silly, silly DARK KNIGHT money they’re making, and that’s it.

When someone tells you Johnny Depp is “signed” to play The Riddler, feel free to laugh in their face.

When someone tells you Philip Seymour Hoffman is “signed” to play The Penguin, ask them if it’s just as true this time as it was when it was a DARK KNIGHT rumor two years ago. Then laugh in their face.

When someone tells you anything about Catwoman or recasting The Joker or Clayface or Man-Bat or Killer Croc or ANYTHING... just brush it off.

Because it’s not true. It’s just not. No matter how much you want it to be. No matter how many times it gets reprinted for no reason. No matter how many photoshopped “costume tests” start floating around.

It’s just not happening. Yet.

On the other hand, you can brush off those FASTER, PUSSYCAT, KILL! KILL! rumors completely, because they’re not true at all. That’s not a case of not yet. That's a case of never was and never will be. That’s a case of “If you printed that story as true, you are insane.”

Quentin Tarantino is making a movie right now. It’s called INGLORIOUS BASTARDS.

So when someone tells you that he cast Tera Patrick or Britney Spears in his new remake of FPKK, they are (A) lying (B) mistakenly listening to someone who is lying or (C) just inclined to repeat any nonsense they are told. And it would seem so obvious to me that I can’t believe it when I see it printed over and over and over. Is it that slow a news day? I know… it’s on our front page, too. WHY?! It doesn’t even make sense as a rumor. It would be like if people printed a rumor tomorrow that James Cameron and Sigourney Weaver were on location in Utah this week shooting scenes for ALIEN 5, and all of a sudden, everyone just believed ALIEN 5 was shooting. NO! IT’S NOT! He’s working on AVATAR... remember?

QT = IB, not FPKK. OK?

The PLASTIC MAN rumors that got started a few weeks ago are stranger, but no less credible. I remember getting the same e-mail that Devin Faraci at CHUD must have gotten, an e-mail saying that Joel Silver had just appeared on a German radio show and laid out all the details for the new Wachowski Bros. film, PLASTIC MAN.

Uhhhh... no.

I didn’t run it because I didn’t believe it. But Devin ran it a day or two later, and so I decided to dig a little. I asked around at Warner and at Silver Pictures, and they confirmed what seemed evident to me from the initial story.

Joel Silver didn’t do the German radio show. He didn’t give that interview. He didn’t spill the details on PLASTIC MAN because... wait for it... nothing’s happening with PLASTIC MAN.

Yes, there’s that old Wachowskis draft still bopping around the internet. I’m sure you can read it if you really want to. But the Wachowskis haven’t decided what to do next. They haven’t cast Keanu Reeves in the lead role, and they certainly haven’t told Joel Silver to tell the press, “After SPEED RACER, we’ve decided to only work with Keanu for the rest of our lives.”

I mean, really. Does that even sound like the way that sort of information would be released? These days, studio announcements are carefully orchestrated, timed for global impact. Stills, posters, major casting announcements... these are things that people calculate carefully. Joel Silver’s not going to go on some morning show in Germany and just say, “Oh, yeah, by the way...”

I’ve run plenty of preposterous rumors myself over the years, sometimes because I was bored and thought they were entertaining, sometimes because they felt like they might have some truth to them, and sometimes just because I wanted to see what the response was as a hypothetical. Sometimes, it turns out to be as ridiculous as “Christopher Walken is Darth Bane,” and sometimes, it turns out to be as interesting as “John Connor is a Terminator.”

With these three rumors, can we just put a bullet in them and call them finished, though? Because they don’t deserve any further life, and I certainly hope people don’t start quoting them as fact. That happens sometimes, and it’s amazing how much something can become set in stone, even if it’s total fiction.

Drew McWeeny, Los Angeles