Hola all. Massawyrm here.

Once again I’m put into what I like to refer to as The Wild Hogs Scenario. It’s the critical version of the Kobayashi Maru in which there is no winnable endgame. You see, Evan Almighty is not a film made for me. And odds are if you are a very regular reader of this site, it may not be for you either. But that is not to say it doesn’t have an audience. A very LARGE audience. In fact, if you can envision the scope of the heartland you pretty much begin to see the scope of this movie. It’s got something for both Blue and Red states alike. It’s a large audience. And it’s not a bad film. My parents are going to love it.

But I’ll never willingly watch it again.

For all intents and purposes, Evan Almighty is a two hour sermon on God’s love and the ultimate meaning of the story of Noah’s Ark. And boy howdy does it get up on the pulpit. To its credit, it never gets all fire and brimstone and genuinely shares a message of love, perseverance and understanding that those of the JCI (Judeo Christian Islamic) faiths can readily identify with – as well as serving as an Old Testament story they all share. I would say that this is something of an allegory, but it’s far too explanatory and heavy handed for that. It’s Noah’s Ark II – The Reckoning: This time I guess we have to fucking explain it to you is more like it.

However, and here’s the big however, anyone who enjoyed the first despite the focus on Christian ideals are going to find this to be completely sanitized and devoid of any of the crass or risky humor from the previous effort. In fact, Evan Almighty is pretty much a sequel in name only. Gone is the unique idea (a mortal becoming God) and any real mention of the events or after effects of the previous film. There are exactly three things linking this to its predecessor Bruce Almighty:

1) the word Almighty.

2) Morgan Freeman as the aforementioned Almighty.

3) Steve Carrell playing a guy named Evan.

Is Carrell the same Evan from the first film? No, not really. SURE, they open up with him behind the news desk. He’s reading the news before they announce that this is his very last day behind the desk as he’s won a seat in Congress, which he leaves for like 25 seconds later. Then the asshole antagonist that we delighted in watching suffer as he read gibberish on air in the last film suddenly transforms into Unavailable Disney Dad Number 5 - the clichéd, hard working dad trying to make the world better by serving his country and putting food on the table for his family, but is really an unrepentant douche because he can’t find time to do all that AND take his kids hiking like he promised. What a fucker, right?

But fear not, for here comes the plot. While Evan is trying to make new friends in Congress (these ominously party unaffiliated guys who want to requisition national parkland for business – or what we in the Republican party call…Republicans), God has other plans. You see, God would prefer that Evan build a giant boat to prepare for the flood. Because of all the people in government who could use information on a flood, it is a Junior Congressman from New York and not, I don’t know, FEMA. Okay, who am I kidding? I think building an Ark is actually one of the FEMA flood evacuation plans.

So can the Hummer driving, rain forest despoiling, junior congressman from New York do the rational thing and drop his responsibility to his district and country to listen to the invisible man inside his head that keeps telling him to build a really big fucking boat in his backyard? Or will he instead shun his family and endorse a land use act being brought forward by the ever sinister John Goodman? Honestly. What the fuck do you think is gonna happen?

The real problem is going to be explaining why all these birds keep showing up and crapping on him, something that will no doubt provide two hours of endless amusement for many of the films patrons. If you’ve ever uttered a phrase that sounds something like My favorite part was when the bird crapped on the guy and then another bird did this film might just make your weekend. However, if I were to tell you that the high watermark of this movie for me was the comic stylings of Wanda Sykes, and your asshole puckers up in response - I’m guessing this film is NOT FOR YOU. If you’re the type of person who might have trouble wrapping your head around the idea of a God who claims to have a plan that involves every minute detail of every beings existence, only to turn around and bitch about how pretty the landscape used to be until the people of his “plan” fucked it all up with development – this movie just might NOT BE FOR YOU. And if the mere mention of a God, religion or theology of any kind, not to mention the philosophies contained therein, sets you into a rage – well, I gotta ask: What the hell are you doing thinking about seeing a Noah’s Ark movie? Because this sure as fucking sunshine AIN’T FOR YOU.

Look, there’s nothing really wrong with this movie. It is exactly what they intended – a harmless, rated PG parable with family friendly jokes and plenty of cute animal tricks to keep the kids and the kids at heart entertained. But it barely held my attention. And I swear to Morgan Freeman, I walked right the hell out after two minutes of the mortifying behind the scenes dance footage montage set to a cut and pasted remix of C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now that capped off this confectionary delight. That I readily recognized that it was a remix was embarrassing enough. Actually sitting through most of it is inexcusable. For that I need to go put on my leg spikes that I borrowed from an albino friend in the gladius dei.

Recommended for anyone who plans their Sunday around service, and who might want to see this immediately after. Not recommended for anyone who might consider animal humor a bit unevolved, or who has a Flying Spaghetti Monster fixture where someone else’s Jesus/Darwin Fish might be.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.

Massawyrm

Bring it.