Hola all. Massawyrm here.

What a fucking Gyp. If there was anyone on this planet that walked into this ready to have the best fucking time, it was me. You see, I’m not just your average movie geek. I’m a total fucking dork. I. Paint. Miniatures. There, I fucking said it. Right when I’m done typing this up, I’m gonna sit down at my painting table and attack a pile of Rackham metal with some paint and a 10/0 brush. I grew up on 70’s/80’s sci-fi, fantasy and sword and sandal flicks. And I even Wrote a sizable chunk of a book called the Tome of Artifacts. Yes, that’s a book to be used with Dungeons and Dragons. That’s just how fucking dorky I am. I was so tailor made to be the audience for this movie, that it’s not even funny.

At the same time, I LOVE awful movies. I mean complete garbage. And if you’ve read me long enough, you know it. If it’s so bad I can laugh at it, then I’m all fucking aboard. You’re reading an article by the guy that recommends The Covenant and a case of beer to anyone who will listen. That’s gotta be one of the funniest movies I saw last year. You can keep your Will Farrell in a funny suit/sports comedy. Give me Metrosexual Emokids with superpowers any day of the fucking week. And let Renny Harlin direct that shit every chance he gets. He is easily the world’s most underrated comedy director working today.

And now you tell me that Fox, the current reigning king of unwatchable genre dogshit (pleaseletthatchangepleaseletthatchangepleaseletthatchange), has made a movie that could have just as easily been titled Indians VS Vikings? Oh hell fucking yes. I woke up early for this shit. There was no way they could fuck that shit up. So someone who hasn’t seen a clock reading anything before Noon in I don’t know how long set his alarm for 10 A.M. ready to have a blast with this whether it was good or bad.

And instead it turned out to be limp. Lame. A fetid turd that neither excited nor caused laughter. It was, simply put, a complete fucking bore. If you didn’t hate Marcus Nispel before (and I didn’t) you certainly will now (I do.) This was an embarrassment. Karl Urban? He’s officially the Marc Singer of his generation. Congratulations. You can have your agent put out your name for direct to video fare. Someone has to take the torch from Antonio Sabato Jr. Someone has to star in a buddy cop movie opposite Casper Van Dien. Sorry Karl. When all of the native Americans are speaking perfect modern English and you’re the one with stilted dialog, the dream is over.

Every even halfway remotely interesting moment in this film is not just borrowed, but blatantly fucking stolen from a much better and more easily recognizable film. A film you no doubt own. The trap sequence from Predator. The hiding in the mud with the opening of the eyes to slit the throat sequence from Rambo: First Blood Part 2. The opening fight sequence from Gladiator. Most of Mel Gibson’s moves from Braveheart. And then, most painful to watch of all, the GODDAMNED FUCKING TRADEMARKED MOTHER FUCKING SWORD SWINGING SCENE FROM CONAN THE MOTHER FUCKING GODDAMNED BARBARIAN RIGHT DOWN TO THE ANGLE, THE MOVES AND THE CHOREOGRAPHY FOR FUCKS SAKE! The whole sequence. I shit you not. It was so stolen that Arnold himself is gonna want to crack Nispel’s skull open with a pipe, re-election be damned. And it’s not even funny. It’s shocking. The balls on this fucking guy.

Urban is pretty bad, but never given lines bad enough to be epic. The Dialog is just barely passable. And even seeing Clancy Brown, the fucking Kurgan, in a bad, paste-on beard is hard to watch. It’s like when you’re seven and you know that the Santa Claus in your living room is really your Uncle, but you don’t want it to be true. No, it’s not Clancy. It can’t be Clancy. Must. Avert. Eyes. Must. Reach. Bat. Nispel Repellant.

This should at least be fun. I mean, it’s Indians Vs. Vikings for crying out loud. Someone raises their voice in their grand plan to use an Avalanche against their foes. Urban’s side kick is a mentally retarded Native American who communicates through the use of a flute. For the love of all that is holy, this should be wondrous in its attempts to suck ass. Instead, the group of teenagers who snuck in the exit door at the beginning of the film walked out halfway through without being chased. And no. I’m not kidding. Even the guy that paid to sneak them all in walked out.

This is a sad disaster. One whose only audience will be the 8 year olds that catch it on cable and embrace it, much like my generation embraced The Barbarians, and argued well into their 20’s just how great it is, until we revisited it, shook our heads and sullenly reported to our buddies “It doesn’t hold up.” I’m way fucking Danny Glover about this. I’m just too old for this shit. Oh, and can someone, please, for the love of god, take away Nispel’s filters. That blue, grainy shit got old five minutes in.

All told, this isn’t just a waste of your weekend dollar, it will put a sad blemish on your very soul. It is a supermassive entertainment black hole and your ass is circling on the event horizon. And no, I don’t think it will be any better with Beer on DVD. Critics are howling that they didn’t show this to us early. Mother fuckers got off easy and should quit their bitching.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
Massawyrm

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