God Bless Zhang Yimou!

Just got in from a super secret private screening of CURSE OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER. Yeah, I know – it’s opening today in markets all over the country – and it’s been playing in Los Angeles and New York and a few other lucky places. Why the intrigue about the screening? Well, when the press screening was announced here in town – it was at a theater that – well, I just don’t want to go to – to see a Zhang Yimou film.

Zhang Yimou’s work is best seen in the most exquisite of circumstances. Tonight – watching CURSE OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER was an alternating delight between lickable eye candy that truly popped off that screen unlike anything I’ve ever seen in all the history of cinema… And then ass-kicking badassness that just was truly indescribably awesome.

I don’t like going the spoiler route… And I won’t go into the actual plot points – but there’s shit here that I just have to get into. This film is fucking magnificent.

First off – watching Chow Yun Fat be the biggest baddest damn emperor that China ever had – was just AWESOME. He’s got these eyes in this film that look wise, deadly, sad and… well… eyes you just don’t want to be fucking with. I love Chow Yun Fat – and too often we don’t get to see him used in a film in a way that makes him the goddamn God of Badassery that he is. There’s a point. A point where somebody does something to piss him off. I’m not talking about a little thing. I’m talking about… The sorta thing that makes one so pissed that you’ll beat someone to the point where they cease to be human, and they’re just a fucking bloody flank steak wrapped in silks and gold. It’s one of those things where he goes from unaffected – to intimately involved in whupass. His face goes from sorrow to rage. The sort of rage where you’re taking off your belt and you’re gonna kill someone with it. Now, I know. Who kills someone with their belt? Well – this belt has more metal on than a Wrestling Champion’s belt. And… man… it’s rough. Very rough. Unbelievably rough.

Next – there’s the Ninja motherfuckers. Ok. Ninjas have always kinda wanted to be the badasses of cinema history, but they always seem to come across as Asian Red Shirts from Classic Star Trek. Bodies to drop. Well… Ninjas in cinema – ain’t ever been Ninjas like these. And technically – these ain’t ninjas, but they should be Ninjas. They’re doing the all black thing. They got their tricky shit. They’re doing Ninja shit. So – fuck the culture differences between China and Japan… Chow Yun Fat is so much a badass emperor – he’s got Ninja bastards working for him. And when these fuckers show up – the film goes from Intimate Fucked Up Royal Soap Opera stuff – to blowing your action jones so hard your ass becomes a cum fountain at the Bellagio. It’s just… you just begin thinking, “WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED THAT FUCKING NINJAS SHOWED UP IN MY THEATER?!?!?!!?”

No menacing orders to men in black. Just they’re fucking there. How long were they there? Were they there 7 days ago or just showed up? All I know is this. There’s a lot of stuff that happens before the Ninjas turn this movie into a nightmarish blood bath. And don’t get me wrong – the drama, the soap opera stuff… I loved that stuff. It’s all sorts of fucked up in only the way that Asian family bullshit can be fucked up, but then… NINJAS ATTACK!!!

And there’s no taking back NINJAS ATTACK!!! When ninja grappling hooks fly and bamboo rope slide shit happens and flying Ninjas from impossibly high altitudes come at a fortress set in a box canyon… And then there’s those fucking scythe things. They’re just fuck me awesome.

I apologize for the cussing, but man – when I get a film that gives me that GRAB MY HEAD TO KEEP THE SKULL FROM EXPLODING BECAUSE THE AWESOME SHIT MY EYES ARE TAKING IN IS LIKE FILLING THE BRAIN WITH SO MUCH HOLY SHIT COOLNESS THAT I JUST CAN’T KEEP IT FROM EXPLODING… well, at a time like that – I just tend to lose any sense of control.

You see – this film is stunningly beautiful. Just stunning. You want to hop up on the screen and start licking the image cuz you know those colors taste unbelievable. And it’s more than the set design – the sheer enormous amount of hot Asian cleavage is just – it’s absolutely indecently awesome. Then there’s CHOW YUN FAT – and he’s just a magnificent bastard in this film. Just magnificent.

And the way that Yimou films the scale of the life of this Imperial Family – it’s just. Man. You know how from time to time you might think you’re life is pretty swank. That you’re living the life of Riley. And you think of the people that have it best in the whole wide world – and you think of someone like… PETER JACKSON or JAMES CAMERON. And you try to imagine what their rich ass life must be like. But then you think, ya know… They’re rich, but they ain’t like… BILL GATES rich. And ya think. Bill Gates. All that fucker does now is spend the rest of his life trying to give money away he’s so fucking rich. And how amazing must that be?

Well… I’m sorry – Ain’t nobody that has ever lived – ever lived like these ancient Chinese fuckers. I mean… People carrying your ass around…. Sauna thrones… You change position in your seat and people are fucking massaging you.

YOU HAVE A FUCKING WAR AND IT DOESN’T INTERFERE WITH YOUR DAMN FIREWORK SHOW.

There’s just stuff in this movie that you look at. And you just have to redefine the words like opulence, luxury, affluence and prosperity. We don’t have an adequate reality definition for those words in the west. I watched that MARIE ANTOINETTE last year… that teenage girl had it pretty damn amazing. She had the hookup for all sorts of shit, but Emperor Chow Yun Fat… He’s the man.

And never try to fuck with Emperor Chow Yun Fat’s flower party, cuz that shit will piss him off. And it’s ok. You can fucking trample his flowers and shower them with your own blood, but that’s alright. That’s ok. He’s got more people than Wal-Mart to clean up at night – and he’ll have his flowers, have his midnight dinner and that fucker will watch his fucking firework show. Cuz man… He’s the Man. And rule number one about being the man is this. NOBODY FUCKS WITH THE MAN… EVER!

CURSE OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER is brilliant. It’s beautiful. It’s badass. It’s all that and a bowl of black fungus medicine soup!