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Well, it’s that time of year again. Film critic tax season. While others are taking inventory of their business’s stock or filing forms or in some way shape or form wrapping up the financial year – so are we film critics required by law to submit our “best of” lists. And frankly, just between you and me, I hate the fucking things.
Really hate the things. Big whoop. Here’s my half assed attempt to quantify film. Oh boy. Like you can actually boil down, quantify and properly order film in some way. Every year I avoid it, or in some way get out of it by compiling a “Very worst of” list. Of course, that’s hard for me this year without the free access to terrible movies I had for so long as a video store clerk. So it’s time to bite the bullet. Time to sit down and crank out a list. Of some sort.
But I can’t. I can’t list things. Look, I love film. I mean, I LOVE IT. And top 10 lists are always a pretentious gathering of the same 20-30 films put in order so someone can say “Why the fuck wasn’t THIS movie on your list? And why did you rank THIS movie over THAT one?” Which always leaves several dozen films that I really love or dug out in the cold – because they tried to do something other than garner critical acclaim. Then there are worst lists – which always turn into the worst 5 summer blockbusters said critic bothered to see – occasionally predicated with the “These aren’t the worst movies of the year per se” speech to coyly get around the fact that they skipped all of those fucking screenings. They didn’t see RV. They didn’t bother to attend Little Man. They wrote their reviews of Just My Luck before it even screened. So they’re gonna shit on Pirates and Lady in the Water instead. Classy.
No. Fuck all that. I’m gonna make this simple. I can say BEST. I can say WORST. So that’s what I’m going to do. Here is my list of the best films under certain, very specific criteria. It is my hope that through it you can A) find a film or two you didn’t see this year, but really should, B) have something to think about and discuss with someone this weekend and C) kill roughly 20 or so minutes of your day that you should probably be working or cleaning out the storm gutters during. So here goes. The best of the worst, the worst of the best and all the shit in between.
The very best movie of the year that I will never, ever see again: United 93
Brilliant. Magnificent. A visceral, cinematic sucker punch that opens all the wounds you thought you’d healed. I still contend that it is the one film this year that you absolutely MUST SEE. Once. Because I’ll never watch it again. I just can’t put myself through that a second time. I’m so glad I saw it the first time. But never again. The film is simply TOO GOOD and too spot on to endure twice. If you haven’t seen this film you have no right at all to even discuss the best movies of the year. Because, really, this one is it. I honestly believe that the only thing keeping it from being #1 on everyone’s list is in fact that they may never want to see it again like myself. That has nothing to do with the quality – just who we are as a nation. Paul Greengrass said absolutely everything that needed to be said in a way that it need not be repeated.
The Very Best Movie that I cannot Possibly See Enough: Dreamgirls
Three times and I still can’t get enough of this movie. I wrote about it here last week and still feel the same way.
The movie that has become one of my favorite comfort films but won’t appear on a single top 10 list this year: Accepted
I’ve got a weakness for well-constructed high school/college comedies, and this one makes me laugh time and again. If I’m in a bad mood, I pop this in the DVD player and drift off into a happy little fantasy world of comedy where it all works out. Sometimes that’s just the kind of movie you need – and that’s exactly the kind of movie Accepted is. I dug the hell out of it and recommended it here, but have come to love it even more since.
My favorite guilty pleasure of 2006: Stick It.
I love me a good guilty pleasure film. The kind of movie you’re not supposed to admit you love but love anyway. And I hate that I have to refer to this as a guilty pleasure film. It’s cute, it’s funny, it’s sharply written and has some seriously gorgeous visual sequences that will make any film lover sit up and take notice. But it’s about teenage girls performing gymnastics. Which makes people look at this as a “teenage girl/guy in a trenchcoat” movie. And it’s not. It’s just a really good movie. Written and directed by Jessica Bendinger (writer of Bring it On), this is the very best movie aimed at teenage girls released this year. We here at AICN have a love for guys like Roth, del Toro, Rodriguez, Tarantino. Guys who GET their genre – guys who show both a knowledge of and a respect for the genre they’re working in – then aim to give back to it. Bendinger does the same thing with the teen genre. She gets it. And she aims to make good films in a genre overflowing with pap dogshit. This thing drips of Hughes, and draws inspiration from the best (I get one hell of a Cutting Edge vibe off of this everytime I watch it.) Your daughter, your little sister…they’ve seen it. And they loved it. Watch it with them. Really, it’s good.
The best movie I saw but no one else did: Tristan and Isolde.
It was a good little movie – not perfect and obviously constrained by a low budget, but really good. This was one of the most romantic films of the year. And NO ONE SAW IT. I think the director’s mother was in the audience with me. So, like, two people saw it. But it’s been sitting on your video store wall for 6 months now, so rent it, light some candles and invite your ladyfriend/boytoy over for a movie and post-movie…discussion. Trust me. The sex is unavoidable after this.
The very best movie that everyone will forget to put on their Top 10 lists: V for Vendetta.
Oh yeah! That came out THIS year! Forgetful Assholes. That shit was fucking awesome.
The single most important film of the year: An Inconvenient Truth.
That’s right. I said it. I don’t care if you boycotted it. I don’t care if you just didn’t see it. You talked about it. You read a billion and six news stories about it and the facts of global warming. You received dozens of conflicting scientific and psudo-scientific emails and blog links about global warming from friends. You talked about it, you blogged about it and you argued about it. Even if you didn’t see it. And you know what? Bugfuck crazy cult of personality figurehead Pat Robertson walked outside of his Jesusverse, said Goddamn it’s fucking hot this summer, this Global warming thing MUST be real. No seriously. It was hot. That’s all it took. Even Bush had to say Yeah, it’s pretty much real in his own special non-committal way. You didn’t have to see it. You just had to talk about it. And now people are doing something about it. That’s how fucking incendiary this film was. A film so important you didn’t even have to see it to have it affect your life. That’s the very definition of important filmmaking. But seriously, get around to fucking seeing this.
The very, very worst theatrically distributed film of the year: Basic Instinct 2.
The worst crime you can commit as a filmmaker has nothing to do with offending your audience or foisting propaganda on the unsuspecting or even making a terrible film. The worst crime a filmmaker can commit is making a film that bores the living shit out of the audience to the point that they begin making mental lists of the chores they need to do when they get home - only to make them believe they should leave and do those things right then. It’s making a film in which people FUCK, and nobody cares. It is making a film like Basic Instinct 2. This should have been sleazy. This should have been fun. This should have at least been Showgirls. On the bright side, it did cause me to write one of my favorite reviews of the year. So I can’t COMPLETELY hate it.
The very, very worst theatrically distributed film of the year that I absolutely cannot wait to see again: The Covenant
Oh dear god does this movie kick ass. But not in a good way. At first I hated the living fuck out of this movie only to learn to love it. People bring it up all the time now, asking if it is what tops my worst list – which inspires a bizarre maniacal shit eating grin to creep across my face as I rant for 20 minutes about the genius that is The Covenant. And that rant usually sounds something like this right here. I can’t wait to rent (if not buy) this little gems of a turd this week, invite over some friends, pop open a sixer of Shiner and go to town. Heckling required. Maybe I’ll show it back to back with Troll 2.
For you Top 10 lovers, here’s a fucking Top 10 list: Top 10 shots to the testicles (rackings, nutters, groin jabs, jewel robbers, ballbusters) in 2006.
10) Little Man
9) Little Man
8) Little Man
7) Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny
6) Little Man
5) Little Man
4) Casino Royale
3) Little Man
2) Little Man
1) Little Man
There, Enjoy.
The movie that made me angriest: Just My Luck
The less said the better. So these words should do.
The film that disappointed me so much that it actually reached the level of anger: X-Men: The Last Stand
The lesser said the betterer. So you can read it here instead.
The film that bored me so badly I actually wanted to gnaw my own hand off: The Grudge 2
Seriously. My mother fucking hand.
Well, I think that pretty much covers it. It’s been a solid year. Plenty to scream and joke about – and plenty to own on DVD. You can never complain about that. I can only hope that 2007 offers just as many joys and disappointments as 2006. Happy New Year, folks.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
Massawyrm
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