Hey folks, Harry here with another fantastic write up from our MiraJeff. Seems he got into a screening of LONDON with Jessica Biel, Jason Statham, Kelli Garner and a few others. Doesn't seem it impressed him that much, but is there any... ahem with Biel? Let's see what MiraJeff says... What about that S&M stuff? I don't know, read and see...

Greetings AICN, MiraJeff here with a look at London, the latest Jessica Biel flick that’s destined to fade away into obscurity. Jessica Biel needs a new agent. It’s as simple as that. I don’t know what attracted her to Hunter Richards’ self-righteous, self-loathing debut film, but perhaps she owed the writer/director a favor. As the trendily named title character London, Biel plays the object of Syd’s (Chris Evans) obsession, err, affection. Having dated, loved, and completely blown his chance with London six months earlier, Syd is still stuck hopelessly clinging to the idea of them together. He can’t handle it when he learns of her plans to move East, so he decides to crash her farewell party. While trying to score some coke for the party, Syd befriends a drug dealer named Bateman (Jason Statham) who follows him to the party at Rebecca’s (Isla Fisher) apartment, where they proceed to lock themselves in a bathroom, snort a lot of blow while waxing poetic on life, love, and sex. By the way, it would be impossible for any of the characters to do as much coke as they do in so little time and realistically expect to survive. Snowy mountains of coke seem to just melt up these guys’ noses.

The only thing London has going for it is its up-and-coming cast, full of young, hip talent. For starters we’ve got Evans, ‘hot’ off Fantastic Four (wink, nudge), Fisher very hot off Wedding Crashers, and Biel, whose films (Stealth, Elizabethtown) got icy receptions both critically and commercially, but who nonetheless is still incredibly hot. We’re also treated to a couple of hotties named Joy Bryant (Skeleton Key) and Kelli Garner (Thumbsucker), as well as a brief cameo from comedian Dane Cook. Still, it’s Statham who gives the film’s most colorful performance, and it’s nice to see him in something besides a Guy Ritchie or Transporter film. But there’s only so much man can do, and Statham can’t save Richards’ screenplay from getting lost in its own big ideas.

70% of the film is set in the bathroom (boring) amidst larger than life conversations (a bit less boring) between Syd and Bateman, who reveals he has an unhealthy S&M fetish and pays women to piss and shit all over him (Hello!). And if that doesn’t cheer you up, we learn through flashbacks and his present-day drug abuse that Syd is a jealous, paranoid freak who can’t handle the pressure of dating a girl who attracts as much attention as London. You can’t move forward in a relationship if you’re constantly looking over your shoulder. And while these flashbacks to Syd and London’s relationship provide the bite and offer snippets of strong, true to life dialogue, they do exactly make the viewer root for the two of them to work it out. There’s no feeling that these two characters should be together. Syd doesn’t even think he has a chance to win her back, so why should we believe he does. With such ugly characters doing ugly things, it makes it hard to identify with or root for any of them. London is written to be some dream-girl goddess, the type of girl who can torture you without even knowing you. And while it’s certainly awesome for Syd when she’s banging the hell out of him in the shower before begging him to come in her mouth, it’s not as pleasant for the viewer (surprisingly), and I for one thought that London was just another slut who tricked a guy into loving her. I mean, every time we see their relationship appear to be working, Syd does something to fuck it up. He’s a fuckup, a lowlife whose luck will never change and who was probably never good enough to be with London in the first place. The film builds to a lame conclusion that is marked by a physical confrontation at the party and a lot of generic relationship-y dialogue once Syd finally does manage to snag some time alone with London. And while The Crystal Method provides the score, the only musical cue to hit the right note is The Perishers’ “Nothing Like You and I,” which plays over the final scene.

As big as Biel’s face is on the poster and as much as she’s shown off in the trailer, trust me, she’s a supporting character in her own story. The movie is Evans’ showcase all the way and he actually does a decent job for the insipid material. Daring to get a little messy for the role, the shaggy, nearly unrecognizable Evans looks like a cast member on Lost, which is a start. The film would be better off and the story better served if there were fewer cutaways and less drug use, because the soul-searching dialogue too often rings false and lacks focus. Ultimately, a stronger screenplay might have saved London from the limited release it’s barely being given, but you have to give Richards credit for coming this far with the project. The writer/director might be one to watch if he can rebound from this debacle, but his debut is a step in the wrong direction. As it stands, London isn’t a trip worth taking.

That’s all for now folks. I’ll be back soon with a look at the Jonathan Demme concert picture, Neil Young: Heart of Gold. ‘Til then, this is MiraJeff signing off.