Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...
I felt like it would be better to have Obi-Swan, a ‘SAW fanatic from way back, write about the new 2-disc New Line Platinum Edition DVD release of last year’s miserable remake of the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. I know that many of you liked it. I don’t know what to say besides, “You’re wrong.”
My obstinence on this particular title forced me to recuse myself, so let me give my co-screenwriter the floor so he can vent a little. It’s a good read, so enjoy.
AFTER 30 YEARS, THE MASSACRE CONTINUES...
When asked my favorite movies, the 1974 Vortex/Henkle/Hooper masterpiece, THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE always appears near the top of my short list. (Notice the separation between “chain” and “saw,” as God intended.)
ORIGINAL RECIPE: ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTE
I got nothin’ but love for this movie. It’s not just a great horror movie; it’s much more than that. It’s an American classic and every bit as great as its contemporaries EASY RIDER and DELIVERANCE.
I discovered the original SAW as a teenager in the mid-eighties on VHS. Holy shit, did it blow my mind. It was like being hit with a bucket of ice water. This is an assault, a sinister rollercoaster that causes permanent brain damage. At the time, I enjoyed the Jason movies and thought the first NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET had cred, but SAW made me to rethink everything about horror and film in general.
Director Tobe Hooper seems to have been guided by a divine hand on this one. There’s a lot to like about his other films (LIFEFORCE, POLTERGUIST, INVADERS FROM MARS), but this is the only film of his that I would call perfect. If I were Hooper and I wanted to make a movie that equaled the first SAW’s intensity, I’d simply take a 16mm camera and no more than $200,000 into the nearest woods and made something fast, cheap, and ugly. I haven’t seen TOOLBOX MURDERS yet, but my fingers are crossed.
Leatherface Verdict. Gunnar Hansen is not only the originator of the Leatherface performance, he’s the best. He’s the Sean Connery of SAW movies. Somebody please make another SAW movie with this guy before he’s gone. Please. The triumphant return of Hansen behind the mask would get my buck.
Babe Factor. If you’re into authentic 70’s chicks, Marilyn Burns and Teri McMinn are just that. No more, no less. I have fond memories of Playboy magazine as a kid in the 1970’s. I thought those big bushes and natural boobs were awesome. Burns clearly wears no bra and her nipples telegraph vividly through her thin tanktop. She also wears bellbottoms well and has that just-out-of-Woodstock look down. McMinn is nice for the era, as well. She shows a lot of skin and screams on a meat hook like a pro.
Gore. Although the film is violent as hell, there isn’t any real gore to speak of. This film doesn’t need it, though. It’s so brutal, it’s actually a good thing we don’t actually see Leatherface cutting the lunch meat. Grandpa’s makeup by W. E. Barnes, although crude, haunts me to this day.
THE SPECIAL EDITION
For the last few years I’ve owned the first and, until recently, only DVD pressing of the original SAW. It’s a “Pioneer Special Edition.” There’s a new pressing of it out on DVD now, I presume to cash-in on the release of the remake.
Don’t be fooled like I was. I didn’t read the box carefully and bought it thinking it was a new special edition. Intentional or not, at a glance, it appears to be a totally new edition. Much to my disappointment, it’s not. It’s the same exact thing. Same menus, same content, same transfer. If you inspect the box closely, you’ll find that they’re certainly not lying about the contents. But why the new box art if it’s just the same thing?
Even though I’m the idiot, I felt deceived. Just a friendly word of advice: If you already own it, obviously, don’t bother picking up the new pressing unless you’re a collector or an obsessive compulsive.
THE SEQUEL: THE BUZZ IS BACK
I don’t envy Tobe Hooper on this one. He could have taken the easy road and simply remade his original with more money. With Tom Savini whipping up the buckets of blood, this approach seems logical. If it had been me, I probably would have been seduced by the ease of this approach.
The road Hooper decided to take was to completely re-envision the world of SAW. On one hand, I applaud this choice. The movie is completely original and obviously Hooper is genuine about what he’s doing. There’s no arguing the cult status this horror-dark comedy has attained. Hell, I’m happy a lot of folks aren’t ashamed to say they like it. Overall, though, it’s not nearly as successful as part one.
Jim Sidow returns as “The Cook,” and we learn his true name, Drayton Sawyer. His first appearance in the film is memorable as he stumbles into frame, a slightly off-balance, aging local celebrity, waving to the crowd victoriously at a Texas chili cook-off. He delivers his lines with distracted confidence. This is a great moment in the film. The audience remembers who this guy is and what he’s been up to. Everyone in the scene just thinks he’s sweet old guy.
Dennis Hopper delivers an unpredictable performance as “Lefty” Enright, a former lawman who’s out to avenge the death and torture of kin, two of the main characters from the first film. At the time Hopper, had just emerged from the jungle and did this, BLUE VELVET, and HOOSIERS in the same year. The following year he continued the comeback with RIVER’S EDGE. Like it or not, this film is a crucial piece in Hopper’s filmography.
The one true find here is actor Bill Moseley. Many people say Bruce Campbell is the biggest icon in cult horror cinema. Although Campbell’s Ash in the EVIL DEAD saga is epic and I bow at the majesty of the chin, Moseley is a much more versatile actor in the genre. No other modern cult actor has covered as much ground. He’s “Chop-Top” in THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE PART 2, Johnny (“They’re coming to get you, Barbara...”) in NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1990), and Otis in Rob Zombie’s impressive CITIZEN KANE-like debut HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES (which in my opinion owes quite a bit to Hooper and SAW 2). He’s also a talented character actor that I’d like to see step out of the genre more often.
I can’t stand the synth score by Tobe Hooper and Jerry Lambert, though. It’s so eighties and it’s weak. Hooper should have scored the film like the original.
Leatherface Verdict. Sadly, Gunnar Hansen did not reprise the role. I’ve read and heard various reasons why he wasn’t in the film. It’s a shame. Bill Johnson, however, isn’t bad as the first dude to take over the saw. Thankfully, he’s not doing a Gunnar Hansen rip-off. I’m not sure it’s accidental or if it was Hooper’s plan. His Leatherface or “Bubba” introduces a soft side to the character and an identifiable interest in the bird and the bees. All he needs to do it abduct the right girl and this guy might actually score.
Babe Factor. As I recall, there’s only one chick in this flick. Big mistake. I’m not much for gravel-voiced tom boyish ladies, so this film isn’t high on my list for babe gazing. If the type of woman I just described is your thing, though, Caroline Williams as “Stretch” might just pique your interest. She’s good in the film.
Gore. It’s a crime Tom Savini isn’t flexing his latex muscle nearly as much as he should these days. Every once in a while he’ll pop up and remind moviegoers that he’s still the king of gore. KILLING ZOE, baby! In SAW 2, Savini hits a personal high. Not only is the gore top notch, but his age makeup for Grandpa is stunning.
SAW III: BACK TO BASICS
I have a funny story about this film, “an incident” I witnessed first hand. Moriarty may have already told this story here at AICN, but it’s so much fun to tell I can’t resist.
When I was an usher in the late eighties at an AMC theater in Tampa, Florida, we were showing LEATHERFACE, the third SAW film. We were also showing Disney’s THE LITTLE MERMAID. At the time of “the incident,” these two films shared a screen. MERMAID played mornings and LEATHERFACE played nights.
One morning our manager went to start MERMAID and accidentally threaded the wrong film. The theater was packed with children and parents. I was standing at the back of the theater and immediately knew something was amiss when trailers for various R rated movies started. I was delighted and wondered how far this would go.
During the trailers, I noticed some alarm on the faces of parents, but they weren’t complaining or rioting yet. After the trailers the movie started. LEATHERFACE begins with the title character sitting in at his worktable in a shed, cutting flesh and sewing together a new mask. As I recall, the kids seemed cool with the movie. I bet they could have watched the whole thing. Our manager finally caught the error and shut the movie off just before the end of the opening credits.
Now, if I had been the idiot who threaded the wrong film, I surely would have been fired. Since it was the manager’s screw-up, he simply laughed it off nervously, a look in his eye telling me, “Don’t tell anyone.”
The film isn’t bad. It tries hard and comes close to the spirit of the original. It only really comes to life for a few minutes near the end, though.
Viggo Mortenson is cool as “Tex.” I remember noticing and digging him here when I only knew him from Sean Penn’s INDIAN RUNNER and his brief but preposterously impressive appearance in CARLITO’S WAY. These days it’s easy to like the guy, but I remember when he was still a secret.
Leatherface Verdict. R. A. Mihailoff does nice work. He’s a music lover and plays well with other kids.
Babe Factor. Toni Hudson as Sara isn’t exactly my type, but she does well. The scene where she’s nailed to a chair, gagged with duct tape, and screams bloody murder as a chain saw is waved in her face is spectacular. The detail of spit coming out from behind the duct tape is nice. She really means it here and earns her place in SAW history.
Gore. There was more before the film went under the knife to get the R rating. The new DVD has a rated and un-rated version. Kurtzman, Nicotero & Berger do fine work.
THE NEXT GENERATION
I’ve only seen this movie once, so I won’t dwell on this. It’s pretty much a remake of the first film. Kim Henkle, the co-screenwriter of the original film, co-produced, wrote and directed this one. This is his TEXAS CHAINSAW sequel. Although it’s a bit slavish to the original, it’s actually not bad.
The only part I didn’t care for was the bizarre ending that I’m still trying to make sense of. A completely unnecessary, confusing new character is introduced much like the completely unnecessary, confusing new character at the end of HALLOWEEN 5. Since it’s so much like the first film, I suppose Henkle felt he needed some way to put a stamp on this to mark it as his own. So this is what he came up with. If someone actually understands the ending, please drop me an email explaining it.
Before it came out, the talk about this movie was entirely about how the filmmakers had the good fortune of casting unknowns Mathew McConauhey and Renee Zellweger. McConaughey’s performance as the sadistic “Vilmer,” who wears a remote-controlled leg brace, is way over the top. Zellweger’s turn as the running, screaming lead is satisfactory.
Leatherface Verdict. Robert Jacks is creepy. His Leatherface is more of a transvestite than any of the other performances.
CHAINSAW: THE REMAKE
That trailer. My blood was pumping. It looks so damn good. How can it suck? No, I think they nailed it. Wow. Imagine: A remake of CHAINSAW that looks this good. I can’t wait to see this thing.
That’s what I was thinking right before the remake came out. The trailer did its job. It hooked me. Then I started hearing word from friends who had managed to see it early. Word was not good. In fact, it was miserable. I didn’t want to believe them.
Well, I finally saw it and they were right. It’s bad... a serious disappointment. It’s the most expensive SAW movie so far. It has producer Michael Bay, a gifted visual filmmaker, overseeing production. This movie has a hell of a lot going for it. At the very least, the final product shouldn’t be anything less than decent. Silly me, I was expecting it to be great.
One big problem is it’s not nearly as scary as the trailer. When I watch a great horror movie, I get nervous. I picture myself in the film, about to be murdered. I didn’t feel any of that with this film. The thing that sucks the most, though, is the fact that it sucks needlessly. Big scary man in a mask of flesh... chain saw... hippies on meat hooks. What do you need? A roadmap?
Marcus Nispel is still a variable at this point. I wouldn’t feel right blaming this disaster entirely on him. David Fincher didn’t have it easy immediately following ALIEN 3, but then he went on to make SE7EN and FIGHT CLUB. It’s hard to say what the future holds for Nispel. A couple films down the road we’ll know for sure if he has the goods.
What I like about this movie. The opening sequence leading up to the main title isn’t bad. It moves nicely. I’m happy John Larroquette is back as the Narrator. It isn’t right any other way. R. Lee Ermey is enjoyable as the disgusting Sheriff Hoyt, but he just doesn’t go far enough. In movies, he can sometimes seem human, but in this one I was told he turned the repulsive all the way up to eleven. Don’t get me wrong, he is repulsive, but I disagree that he went too far. He could have laid it on even thicker and I wish he had been allowed. The chase through the slaughterhouse is the closest the film comes to actually sprouting wings and taking flight. It’s surprising that it’s taken this long for a SAW movie to feature a slaughterhouse chase.
The best thing about the movie, however, is Daniel Pearl’s extraordinary eye. The cinematography, especially in the first half of the film, is jaw-dropping. He’s grown as an artist since the first SAW and it shows. He manages to recapture the feel of the first film, pay specific homage at times, but also incorporate some new tricks. The stuff in the woods isn’t as great, but the photography in and around the van is magic.
Babe Factor. Quite decent. Jessica Biel is hot, no question. Tits like there’s no tomorrow and butt just threatening to jump out and smother you. I’m fairly sure I won’t get an angry TalkBack lecturing me on how I’m totally wrong and she’s a man. Erica Leerhsen is also gifted in the hot department. She’s got a great, natural body and is one hell of a screamer. Although these girls aren’t authentic 70’s chicks, they try really hard.
All of this serves only to piss me off, though. These two hotties are completely wasted. I was appalled by the shocking lack of nipple in this film. Earn the R, you pussies. Can a brother get a little nipple? How about a giant 70’s bush? You make me sick. I’ve been disrespected as a moviegoer before, but this really infuriates me.
The film opens with the kids swimming in a creek. Will they go skinny-dipping? Hell, no. Later the girls search for a toilet and find a revolting outhouse. Will they go behind it and take a pee in the bushes? What do you think? I guess we’re not actually supposed to have any fun watching this movie. On second thought, perhaps it’s better they didn’t skinny-dip since it would have increased our chances of glimpsing Eric Balfour’s hog. A good director knows how to strategically hide sausage, though.
Leatherface Verdict. This is a tough one. Andrew Bryniarski’s performance as the disfigured “Thomas Hewitt” isn’t bad. The problem is the film he’s in. Leatherface’s fear value wears thin within minutes of his first appearance and I don’t think it’s B’s fault. Also, Leatherface is no transvestite. Let’s get that little detail straight right this minute. He’s never worn undies fashioned out of female flesh, nor does he intended to ever wear such a garment. If he decides to dress up in someone else’s skin, you best believe it belonged to a dude.
DISC TWO
After watching the alternate opening and ending scenes, it’s clear why they’re on disc 2 and not in the movie. They feel more like scenes from a clone of SE7EN. It’s absolutely not SAW. Also, the final appearance of Leatherface in the mental hospital isn’t very clear and has little shock value. Is it a twist? I can’t say. The deleted scenes are packed with predictable, dull character beats that wouldn’t have added anything interesting to the film. The Making-Of documentary is a stunning lesson in the dangers of self-importance. The Ed Gein greatest hits reel is interesting but has very little to actually do with this remake, no matter how many movie clips are cut in.
If you’re hungry for some good Gein action, check out Steve Railsback in ED GEIN, an honest little film by Chuck Parello. The babe factor is through the floor, unless you consider Carrie Snodgrass a super-fine piece of ass. I wouldn’t mind Railsback reprising this roll for a sitcom. Seriously, this film’s got its creep on, party-size.
If you want to read more about the SAW movies, there’s a great book by Stefan Jaworzyn titled The Texas Chain Saw Massacre Companion. It’s loaded with interviews and has crapload of pictures for those who refuse read. If you want a copy, check out this site for more info.
In closing, I’d love to say a lot more about these films. There’s something to like about each one of them. If you’re determined to see the SAW remake, go ahead and pick up the DVD. At the very least, the picture and sound quality is outstanding. It might also come in handy when trying to scare some horror-illiterate chick into the sack. Let me know how it works out.
Obi-Swan
Thanks, man. Nice overview of all things ‘SAW on DVD right now. I want an unrated release of PART 2 from Anchor Bay or Blue Underground, and I want to pretend the remake never happened. If you need to relieve the mediocrity, the disc is in stores next week.
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