Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...

Sometimes you hear a premise for a film, and you can’t believe they’re really making it. Like last year, with that kid’s film called THUNDERPANTS or something similar, about the kid with the magical farts that... do... something. I forget what. I never really got past the “magical farts” part of the set-up.

Well... check this one out:

Hi Guys,

Well it’s officially the Summer so obviously I’ve bypassed ‘X2’, ‘Matrix Reloaded’, etc and seen a movie that no one else in their right mind would pay summer-movie bucks for. (Sheesh, I remember back in ’93 when I skipped that lil’ dinosaur flick to watch Jack Slater spewing out creaky post-modern puns for 90 sphincter torturing minutes).

I digress; you may remember my reviews for ‘The One And Only’ (worst English movie of the year) and ‘Puckoon’ (worst Oirish movie of the year). Well let me introduce you to ‘THE MOST FERTILE MAN IN IRELAND’ – worst English AND Oirish movie of the year. Except it’s not really; as it’s actually the worst English/Oirish movie of 1999 as TMFMII had been gathering much deserved dust and bug excrement for the last couple of years. The central idea is a neat one; Belfast men are firing blanks, Eamonn (played by BBC shitcom ‘star’ Kris Marshall) is blessed with watermelon balls (that’s a v.large sperm count NOT actually testicles that look like watermelons) so he decides to utilise his ‘gifted’ gonads by transforming himself into a money-making mobile sperm bank.

Not a bad idea – a simple gimmick that could work within a no-brainer comedy for say Kattan, Ferrell or Schneider, but no! ‘Cos TMFMII stupidly decides to incorporate the ‘Troubles’ into the storyline. There’s this whole shebang about the Catholic birth-rate sky-rocketing and the Protestants getting pissed. So we’ve got political hot potatoes thrown in with Eamonn’s errr hot potatoes – needless to say this is a ridiculously dumb juxtaposition. Hey! 'The New Guy' tackles Post 9/11 Syndrome! 'Jay and Silent Bob' discuss Immigration!

This is also one of those ‘sex-comedies’ with (yep, you’re ahead of me on this one) NO SEX and NO COMEDY. No pie-fucking or jugsploitation here; just the horribly ineffectual Marshall running away from the impressive, yet miscast James Nesbitt gnashing his teeth in the best we-couldn’t-get-Robert Carlyle type way. Don’t get me wrong Nesbitt is pretty good but his character belongs in 'The Long Good Friday' not a ‘Sperm-edy’. Marshall is just weird lookin’ and not in a goofy DJ Qualls type way, he just looks like he’s constantly taking a post Christmas Dinner crap. He’s not funny in his horribly mainstream UK sitcom ‘My Family’ and he’s certainly failing to tickle my sides on celluloid.

So basically as well as having the least catchy title ever 'The Most Fertile Man In Ireland' prematurely ejaculates it’s fine premise over the tanned thighs of the audience, leaving us totally unsatisfied with nothing but a big, flacid flop.

No one else can dance like you,

Austin Milbarge.

I am... speechless.

"Moriarty" out.