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Reviews Of GHOSTS OF MARS, J&SBSB, and JADE SCORPION!!
Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Our guest reviewer this morning, Rav, is staying with Massawyrm while he's in Austin for the QT Fest. Poor bastard. I can only imagine what sort of payment Massawyrm's gonna come looking for 'round about three AM some night this week. *Shudder* At least he turned in these three reviews before the inevitable occurs...
Hey everybody, I’ve got reviews of the three interesting movies opening wide this weekend, but I will stray away from Bubble Boy and Summer Catch (LILLARD/PRINZE ARRGHH!!!! Can’t be good). The three films are Ghosts of Mars (JOHN FUCKING CARPENTER!), Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (KEVIN FRIGGIN SMITH), and The Curse of the Jade Scorpion (Woody “Insert Vulgarity here” Allen).
Ghosts of Mars
Ghosts of Mars is about a team of police officers (Natasha Henstridge, Jason Statham, Pam Grier, and Clea Duvall) who are sent to a small mining outpost to transfer one of the most feared criminals alive (Desolation Williams AKA Ice Cube) to a higher security prison, but they run into a problem when they get there, no one seems to be alive everyone has had their head chopped off or has just gone completely fucking insane. The police officers begin to team up with all of the living criminals and sane people to get the hell out of there and away from these creatures that are doing this, which of course leads to some fucking cool Carpenter action.
Now, I am a big fan of John Carpenter films, I wouldn’t go and say that I dug this film more than any of JC’s past works…….well maybe I liked it a little bit more than Vampires. Ghosts Of Mar’s keeps its Carpenter’s coolness factor on high gear enough to please any Horror/action audience….if it doesn’t please you, you probably went in expecting the Holy Grail of Carpenter films…which this is not. One thing that delighted me was while watching the opening credits I failed to recognize “Jason Statham” as that badass boxing promoter from Snatch and Main Character #4 from Lock Stock, It’s just totally cool to see him branch out into American Mainstream films off of Richie’s (it had to happen sometime, but I was worried for the longest it would only come for Vinnie Jones). Another one of the cool delights somewhat a spoiler was how
the actual ghosts would leave and take over another body when killed taking over the soul, so in essence when one is killed another one of the heroes is up for taking over. And when they go crazy they really go fucking insane ie: cutting themselves up and killing everybody.
The only thing that I really disliked about the film was that it was told in flashbacks from a debriefing meeting/hearing so it gives you a good estimate of who makes it and who croaks early on, but even though it is told this way there is still room for a few cool twists left to be made.
So in the end the film delivers more Carpenter goodness, but falls short of being a “Carpenter Masterpiece”.
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is my favorite Kevin Smith film to-date, but being as everyone and their mother seems to have seen this film already from the multitude of screenings presented and the open sneak preview this past weekend I shouldn’t waste my breath saying the same good things everyone else has said about it.
The Curse of the Jade Scorpion
So last Tuesday I had the choice of either seeing American Outlaws or The Curse of the Jade Scorpion, my reaction to the dilemma? Why the fuck do I want to see an MTV teeny-bopper flick defiling western films…….I can wait until the weekend matinees for that. I’ll take the Woody Allen comedy that looks cool. Well being the dumbass I am, I accidentally went to the theatre for American outlaws, walked in and saw the teenyboppers standing waiting in line saying WE WANT SCOTT CAAN…..I WANT TO SEE ALI LATER’S BREASTS (reviewers note: ME TOO!). So then I bolted to my car so that I could head on over to the other Edwards where Curse was showing! Now onto the movie……what you really care about.
The Curse of the Jade Scorpion is about a dim-witted insurance investigator C.W. (Woody Allen), who loves to use the old gumshoe techniques of blind beggars and disorganization to solve his cases. C.W.’s office life is perfect, until Helen Hunt’s efficiency expert character “Fitz” begins to cause problems for him. Fitz and C.W. loathe each other, and the entire office knows they do. One day they all go to celebrate a coworkers birthday (or something to that effect) and a magic show is played out there. C.W. and Fitz are hypnotized there; the magician jokes around with them and tells them that they are in love with each other. Spoiler well eventually this is brought up later and they start committing crimes and then have to investigate the very same crimes they have committed…….AND ITS FUNNY OKAY!
Curse is another sweet little Woody Allen comedy, along the lines of Small Time Crooks, that doesn’t fail in any way other than leave you wanting for more from its 90 minute run. It takes place in the forties, so all the jokes Woody makes are period-related so make sure you know who Mussolini and Boris Karloff are before walking into the theatre, or you could be left sitting around watching a movie that everyone else is laughing at, but you just have no clue what the fuck is so funny.
Well this is it for now, more to come.
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Sure, he's a pedophile but he's pretty damned funny. This country rules.
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I saw this film last night, and it's horrible. It seems like they shot the film from the 1st draft. Don't spend your money on this crap. Hell, not even worth a rental. - Ayii -
Aug 24, 2001 5:29:49 AM CDT
"Hey Soon-Yi, I just want to be loved. Is that so wronG?!"
by rabid_republican
I'll admit Allen offers a kind of wit that's rare in today's films. He even takes chances not all of which are entirely bright ("Everyone Says I Love You" a recent example.). As much as I loathe the man, I can't slight him for his intellegent comedy. That said I suppose I'll have a gander at "Curse of the Jade Scorpion".
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what happened to the great john carpenter !!!!
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Okay, WTF is going on?
I read Ebert's review, like I do everyweek, and I see this skeit:
"And while Affleck does not play his "Chasing Amy" character in "Jay and Silent Bob," Jason Lee, the co-creator of the Bluntman comic, does, turning up in this one to warn Jay and Silent Bob that the comic is being made into a movie by Miramax"
Similar crap shows up in other reviewers like Mr. Cranky, and even bad reviewers like... uh... everyone else. Did I see a different cut of the film or something? Do none of the critics agree on what actually happened in the flick? -
Sure Holden is a much different person then the one he was in Amy but damn man how can he actually think that Jay & Bob could get along with Shannon or Bartleby. And after bad mouthing "Mallrats" how can he forget the notorious Brodie Bruce let alone confuse him with Banky Edwards that's just nuts. Oh and Woody Allen is still making movies? why? I mean who wants to work with the sick fuck anyway? he lost his touch a long time ago and all respect at least from me when he stooped as low as he did. Just like Victor Salva I will never watch the man's movies and apparently neither will anyone else since he isn't as hot as he used to be and how old is he already? 3000? I mean he's like the Goddamn Highlander, he just won't go away.
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Jesus, SE7EN only cost about that, as did PITCH BLACK. Then why does GOM look like the sets are made of egg cartons?
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J$SBSB was not what you people hyped it to be, It had a few amusing moments was but was painfully amaturish. I liked the talkbackers getting the shit beat out of them. He apppealed to my nerd self but it was still a bad movie. Please KEVIN SMITH, please get back on the path to making movies like DOGMA and CHASING AMY.
You have made the worst film of your career. -
Woody should just hang it up. His films are getting worse and worse. He went from Annie Hall, to this garbage? Same goes for Smith. Besides the Chris Rock scene, and the Miramax in-jokes, the movie was painfully unfunny.
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http://www.cdnow.com/cgi-bin/mserver/SID=503094947/pagename=/RP/SHARE/soundclip.html/itemdescriptionid=1410371/disc=1/track=16/source=MP2/mpeg=2/mp2.mp2 -
http://www.cdnow.com/cgibin/mserver/SID=503094947/pagename=/RP/SHARE/soundclip.html/itemdescriptionid=1410371/disc=1/track=16/source=MP2/mpeg=2/mp2.mp2 -
Thank god, some more folks who were let down. I had a serious case of emperor's new clothes going for a second.
This movie seemed like a TV variety special from the late 70's a bunch of B-list stars (talented though they be)walking thru a poorly executed SNL movie winking at the camera and saying "Hey, I'm in with Kevin Smith... maybe Miramax will give me a development deal".
The movie smacked of improv-ed bits, like Henry Jaglom wanted to make a dick-and-fart movie. The witty dialog had the day off, whe in doubt, say F*ck, up to three times.
At least now I know what Joe Quesada looks like, hi Joe!
And it was too damn long for what it was.
That being said, I'll probably go see Smith's next film on the day it opens too, he's due a winner.
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When the hell were Kevin Smith's "films" ever important?
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Woody Allen is America's finest living filmmaker, and "Jade Scorpion" is another small jewel he can add to his crown. (How can ANYBODY compare Woody Allen to Victor Salva? What Woody did was a bit jerky, but it wasn't illegal or incestuous or even that hard to understand.) Also, "Ghosts Of Mars" is a welcome return to form for Carpenter after the slight dip he took with "Vampires." The Kevin Smith picture, though, is a bit regressive and underwhelming.
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Nothing pleases you fucks does it? Please name at least 5 movies that you people DID like. I saw J&SBSB at the sneak preview, went again on opening day, and I'll probably go see it again because it was just a funny movie. Nothing that would reveal the meaning of life, nothing that is going to help me find myself or my place in the universe, it was a hilarious movie, nothing more. I love it when people like to look at movies as the most important part of society and therefore need to pick it apart and analyze ever tiny issue in a film. It's a friggin movie! I like Smith's movies because they make me laugh. If he puts out another, I'll see it. Disagree all you want, I know it's coming, but everyone that's trying to intelligently criticize a movie about dick/fart/gay jokes should get a friggin life.
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