DISTURBED'S SCRIPT MINE Or, What The Hell' Disturbed Still Works Here'!

Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

I found this in my inbox and thought maybe it was an old e-mail I'd misfiled. I mean, Disturbed's script reports were deader than my chances of finishing the '90s Lists. Deader than that Scrubbing Bubble guy. Deader than... well, real dead. Let's just put it that way.

But no... it's a new column. So come on, kids... let's poke it with a stick and see what happens!

Well, here I am again. Since my last article my pal Massawyrm has taken over for Mouth (and done quite well at making me look bad with his excellent weekly columns), Christ has returned for the rapture (perhaps the two are related?) and I've read god knows how many unproduced scripts. And now, I'm finally back to tell you about it.

Unfortunately, I'll only be writing up one script today. Of those I recieved I felt only this one really made the grade, as they say.

If any of you have seen the film SLAM then you're familiar with a tremendously gifted poet named Saul Williams. Any fans of his may have also seen the documentary SLAM NATION, which follows the New York team that Saul was a part of to the National Poetry Slam in Portland, Oregon. And if you've seen that film, you may remember Beau Sia, talented rookie whose poetry was outstandingly funny. In fact, until recently my quit message in Ain't It Cool Chat was "And sure, money can't buy you love. But love can't buy you shit," a quote from one of his pieces. You might also have heard of his book of poetry, a "sequel" to Jewel's stunningly bad A Night Without Armor, which was very funny, or his spoken word CD "Attack! Attack! Go!" which...I have not heard.

In SLAM NATION, Beau mentions that he studied screenwriting at NYU, and I was fortunate enough to read one of the products of that labor.

COREY HAIM AND COREY FELDMAN COMMIT SUICIDE is a highly fictionalized story about Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, the glorious child stars, and their tragic fall from grace into addiction and depression, their adventures at misery's impetus, and their eventual longing for death. And it's very, very funny.

The tone is an oddly absurd one in which celebrities go from adoration to ridicule in as little as two weeks, Corey Haim auditioned for the part of Edward Scissorhands, and rehab is this sort of beach party paradise full of porn-stars-cum-therapists, volleyball, and skinnydipping with Drew Barrymore

Maybe it's not that absurd.

The characters are somewhere between goofy parody, real life and a cynical fantasy. The plot, in which after a couple weeks in rehab the Coreys find themselves has-beens and eventually plot a trip to Florida to fuck young girls and do drugs or, failing that, kill themselves is somewhere between happily ludicrous and depressingly believable.

But most importantly, the whole thing is just inspired, from the imagery (the Coreys, wearing long shorts and t-shirts because they're embarassed of their bodies, being humiliated at beach volleyball by two oiled, spandexed atheletes who then give one another a high five reminiscent of the ones the Coreys have given each other throughout) to the various turns of events that befall the nominal brothers (at one point while Feldman is talking to his girlfriend from rehab, she's being fucked by Anthony Michael Hall while she's on the phone) to the dialogue ("So, I said, Spiely, baby, I need my soda or I can't be Mouth, right? Well, no one had ever called him that before so all he could say was 'You little punk asshole- what kind of soda do you like?' And that's how we got the Pepsi deal. Hey, honey, could you rub my crotch a little?")

Oscillating between absurdism and satire, COREY HAIM AND COREY FELDMAN COMMIT SUICIDE is memorable and unpredictable. How easy would a picture like this be to get made? Not very. How much better a writing sample could you ask for? Not much.

beau@beausia.comor visit BeauSia.com

Afraid that's it for this time. If you've sent me a script, I've read it. I'm sorry if, for whatever reason, it didn't make the cut.

If any of you would like to send me a script for possible coverage on the site, and I hope you would, send them here:

You can reach me as always at Disturbed@aintitcoolmail.com

Also, if you didn't catch the preview, go see Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back on the 24th. It's a whole lot of fun. Plus, Eliza Dushku is hotter than bombs.

-Disturbed