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Dimension To Remake DOLEMITE With LL COOL J!!!

Published at:  Jul 24, 2001 5:35:27 AM CDT

Hey folks, Harry here... Ya know, sometimes you are just minding your own business when something insane hits you in the forehead... Like the news from Variety that DIMENSION has bought the rights to remake DOLEMITE with LL COOL J as Dolemite.



Ok, now I've got about a half gig of reasons why DOLEMITE should not be remade in the current political climate, but it all comes down to one simple thing. I just have zero faith that they'll make DOLEMITE as utterly badass and funny as hell as he was originally. LL COOL J is nice and all but he ain't got lazers that shoot out of his eyes, not like Rudy Ray Moore. Rudy Ray Moore simply talked, walked and stood like his dick was ankle long. Will Dimension give Dolemite his whores and let them remain Hos and not give them pathos? Will Dolemite slap his 'bitches' around while saying great one liners? Now am I saying this type of movie should be made right now... Hell yeah, but it needs to remain EXPLOITIVE as hell... But to make it what it needs to be, the MPAA will slap them with the NC17 just for language issues. Then again, if they do it right... hell, I'll be there, but check out this 'old school' Rudy Ray Moore rhyming action... will we see this sort of thing in DOLEMITE 2003? I can only pray. Click on the poem to visit Rudy Ray Moore's AMAZING Website!!!





Some folks say that Willie Greene,



Was the baddest muthafucka the world has ever seen.



But I want ya to light you up a joint and take a real good shit and screw


your wig on tight



And let me tell ya about the little bad muthafucka called Dolemite.



Now Dolemite was from San Anton'



A ramblin, scamblin, gamblin little young muthafucka since the day he


was born.



Why the day he was dropped from his Mammy's ass, He slapped his


Pappy's face



And said, "From now on, cocksucka, I'm running this place."



At the age of one he was drinkin whiskey and gin.



At the age of two he was eating the bottles it came in.



Now Dolemite had an Uncle called "Sudden Death".



Killed a dozen bad men from the smell of his breath.



When his Unc' heard how Dolemite was treatin his own Maw and Paw,



He said, "Let me go check this little bad rascal before he go too far."



Now one coooooold, dark December night,



His Uncle broke in on Dolemite.



Now Dolemite wasn't no more than three or fo'



When his Uncle come breakin through the do'.



His unc' said, "Dolemite,



I want you to straighten up and treat your brother right,



Cuz if you keep on with your dirty mistreatin,



I'm gonna whoop yo ass till your heart stop beatin"



Dolemite sittin in the middle of the floor playin,



He said, "I see yo lips quivering Unc', but I don't hear a cocksuckin word


your sayin."



This made his uncle mad. He let off with a right that made lightin flash!



But Dolemite tore his leg off. He was that damn fast.



Now all the men in San Anton' gathered around that night.



To see if they could do something about the little bad rascal called


Dolemite.



It took a hundred of the baddest, the boldest, the ugliest men in town,



Finally rode Dolemite's ass down.



Put him in jail, held him without bail.



If you think his Mammy was happy You shoulda seen his Pappy.



Now it's been eight long years since Dolemite's been fed.



The average muthafucka woulda long looong been dead.



Now the warden called Dolemite. Said, "Dolemite, I'm gonna tell you what


we gonna do



Now we gonna give you a dollar and a half and a damn good meal



If you promise to leave us alone And get your badass outta San Anton'."



Dolemite took the dollar and a half and the damn good meal.



And said, 'I'm gonna tell you old, jive, molded, ancient, decreppid,


muthafuckas how I feel."



Said, "Ya'll can suck my dick, nuts, and ass down to the muthafuckin


bone!


Because I ain't never comin back to San Anton'."



 

All rhymes borrowed from Rudy Ray Moore; Copyright ©, 1988.
These and others are available on from CIE Records. Check your local record store



Ok, so you have read the holy words of one badass Rudy Ray Moore and now I have a question for you. Did you read the test screening review of the innoculous white-bread bullshit spoof, NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE? Well the screenwriter of that is going to do DOLEMITE. Can you believe that? WHAT THE HELL? Now sure, Rudy Ray Moore is going to advise on the project, but hell... if it is anything like what they do to comic book creators, that'll mean he is asked to sit quietly in the corner. I just hope that if they begin skull-fucking the sanctity that is DOLEMITE, that Rudy Ray Moore will stand up in the correct threads and kung fu their dumb asses till they're all dead! Do Not Mess With DOLEMITE!



CLICK HERE TO READ THE ORIGINAL WIRE STORY!



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    Readers Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 5:40:32 AM CDT

    I'm First !Yah! Do we need a LL Cool J Film

    by the game

    Haven't all LL cool J films been crap? I' first by the way, at last!

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 5:57:59 AM CDT

    You NO BUSINESS BORN....

    by marek

    The original Dolemite is so fucking cheesey, but it is good.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 5:59:39 AM CDT

    Fuck a Dolemite remake, we need a remake of Petey Wheatstraw: Th

    by marek

    Now that is what I want to see.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 6:11:50 AM CDT

    "Where's Dolemite?"

    by mrbeaks

    "Breathin' down yo' neck, suckah!" Nothing will *ever* top the original. BTW, Bob Weinstein better watch his back. I hear Willie Green from the 4th Ward is lookin' for his PLAYING FOR KEEPS co-directin' ass.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 6:25:54 AM CDT

    casting...

    by quizkiddonnie

    oh well, if they HAVe to make this movie, then the Ladies Love Cool James and all that, and Uncle L can pull it off no doubt. But how can they overlook the best choice: Bernie MAC! That's right y'all. and surely RRMoore will be cast in this picture, like when RRoundtre was inthe remake of Shaft. And how about Dave Chappelle as the Hamburger Pimp!

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 6:27:04 AM CDT

    LL Cool J?

    by marshal kane

    only one person other than Rudy Ray Moore can play Dolemite and that man (GOD?) is none other than...Ol' Dirty Bastard! That's right, Big Baby Jesus Himself (i can't wait). If only if could stay out of jail long enough to finish the picture.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 6:28:44 AM CDT

    Message for Dimension Films: What's the difference between your

    by uncapie

    Don't pop a brain cell trying to figure it out. Get a clue. One in twenty scripts that are on the production board over there get made and they usually pick the worst one. Remember though, they are a subsidiary of Miramax, whcih is a subsidiary of Disney and for a company which has deep pockets, they sure are cheap.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 7:22:31 AM CDT

    NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO

    by uncle jay

    I HAVE HAD ENUFF OF LL SHIT J, FIRST, THEY RUIN "ROLLERBALL" BY PUTTING HIM IN THERE, NOW YOU THEY ARE GONNA RUIN, THE LEGENDARY "DOLEMITE"? RUDY RAY MOORE IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE "DOLEMIRE". LL COOL J IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE SHIT.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 7:33:07 AM CDT

    Creeper!

    by zackiechan6

    anyone see Mission To Mars?
    When they come upon Don Cheadle on mars, after he's been stranded there for a while, he's the spittin' image of Creeper! Anyone else know what i'm talking about? Cheadle would give this movie mad street cred, but why not have Rudy Ray play dolemite?

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 7:33:32 AM CDT

    They can remake Citizen Kane, The Godfather, 8 1/2, or Star Wars

    by z-man

    There is only one Dolemite, and that is Rudy Ray Moore! LL is cool, but he is NOT Dolemite! Jesus, it could at least be Ice Cube or Snoop Dogg or someone. Better yet, Dolemite as played by RRM must come out of retirement for some illogical reason (it is very important that the reason be illogical) and whoop ass with Woo Ping-Choreographed Pimp Fu!!!!

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 8:00:01 AM CDT

    Naysayers

    by dark knight lite

    Hate to be one of them, but BULLSHIT! There is NO WAY in hell that they could ever reach the dizzy heights of the original. One of the funniest, off-the-hook films ever, DOLEMITE should not be touched. Rudy Ray should STAY AWAY from this ill-fated project. Dark Knight out.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 8:25:28 AM CDT

    Those Rat soup eating mothafuckas at Dimension have no originali

    by monkey_king

    Evidently not. LL isn't even ugly enough to play Dolemite. Try making SON OF DOLEMITE and you've got yourself a picture, but a remake is a no-no. Punk-asses, all of them!

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 8:31:55 AM CDT

    have I told you about my condition

    by leonard shelby

    Harry, please don't start acting like you could give half a shit about any movie starring a black guy. You didn't even review Baby Boy (the best movie of the summer so far).

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 9:24:06 AM CDT

    you're late, I read this yesterday

    by dexter cornell

    Where's the scoop when I knew this before dinner?

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 9:25:19 AM CDT

    Don't be so sure....

    by micmac

    You guys seem to think that everyone in America is waiting for LOTR with bated breath like you are. I know I am, but I also know that my 19 year old sister is not. If she goes to see LOTR, it will be because of Elijah Wood. A lot of people just like her (mostly girls, I'm assuming) would happily choose a teen movie over LOTR. These are the same people that chose Legally Blonde last weekend over The Score or Final Fantasy. The audience for Not Another Teen Movie will exist that weekend, trust me.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 9:25:56 AM CDT

    Oh man. Coming soon: Urkel as Superfly 2002!

    by wash

    How long before Fatboy Roberts get's distracted from making his daily dozen rec.music.hip-hop posts and comes here to crap on y'all for being a bunch of whiny white shut-ins?

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 9:48:46 AM CDT

    "Man, I'm so bad I kick my own ass twice a day!"

    by rabid_republican

    Rudy Ray Moore is the man. Props to my inordinately large Austinite brotha, Harry, for layin' the smack down about how Moore's "consulting" will go on the film. To say I have a bad (not bad meaning good, people) feeling about this film is an understatement, y'know what I'm sayin'?

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 10:09:02 AM CDT

    aaaaaAAAAAAAHHH, WHAT'S BAD???...

    by dilemma

    LL Cool J in this role!

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 10:45:49 AM CDT

    Dolemite 2000?

    by bitterman

    Rudy has already shot his come back movie "Dolemite 2000", does anyone know what happened to it?
    Ha? Whut? I don know.
    And to add to the list of silly remake ideas why not Sam Jackson as Petey Wheatsraw? Or better yet WESLEY SNIPES as BLACK BELT JONES! "Hey, hey, let's go to McDonald's!"

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 12:15:37 PM CDT

    Looks like my bitches is on time!

    by wino-forever

    Maybe, and I'm talking MAYBE, if they cast Old Dirty Bastard in the title role, this could work. But LL "My Head is Like a Shark Fin!" Cool J? Gimme a fucking break. Miscasting aside, in a day and age when Shaft can't get any onscreen play, I find it hard to believe they're gonna keep the requisite misogyny intact. They'll probably water it down to a PG-13 in order to maximize those opening weekend grosses. I get sick just thinking about it.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 1:01:05 PM CDT

    Rose Colored Visors

    by johnny the boy

    Why remake DOLEMITE at all? It's an artifact of its time. The films are not good by any weak ass pasty faced stretch of the imagination. The only reasonto watch them is to witness Rudy Ray in his prime. Hell, do a RRM concert film or something. PLease, don't remake this. If the good folk at Dimension must reamke a RRM film at least use the best title: DISCO AVENGING GODFATHER. "He's on a one man war to bust the dust." with CAROLE SPEED.
    Hell, Dimension, why not remake these other classics?
    BLACKENSTEIN
    BLACK GESTAPO
    GANJA AND HESS
    SUGAR HILL(the one with Robert Quarry, not Snipes)
    BLACULA
    ABBY
    THE THING WITH TWO HEADS
    tick..tick..tick...
    THE SHERIFF
    THREE BLACK GODFATHERS
    BLACK SHAMPOO
    THye make about as much sense as Dolemite.
    I had hope for this studio once, but no more.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 1:02:11 PM CDT

    PUT YO' WAY-IT ON IT!!!

    by stripetg

    A remake of Dolemite! How I've have seen everything. What about Snoop Dogg? Isn't he already doing a film for Dimension? He might be mysogonistic enough. Of course, they could be saving him for a remake of "Avenging Disco Godfather." That would be something. Oh and one more thing, in the remake of Dolemite, who's gonna play "Joe-Blow, the Luvver Man?" That's the real burning question.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 2:21:46 PM CDT

    Hell Yeah, Marek, Petey Wheatstraw is where it's at!

    by super fly

    But could they get Leroy and Skillet?

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 2:36:57 PM CDT

    Petey Wheatstraw should kick the living shit out of the heads at

    by uncapie

    I mean, what's with the fucking remakes? Is this the legacy this generation is going to leave behind? Bad summer films and remakes? Looks like its true about the people that hire these corporate morons. Clint Eastwood as "Dirty Harry" said it best in "The Enforcer"; "Personnel...that's for assholes." No doubt it shows.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 7:16:07 PM CDT

    I agree, Baby Boy was the best movie of the summer

    by brooklyn bred

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 8:01:07 PM CDT

    It should be O.D.B.

    by coop

    He made the video and if any rapper could pull off the character it would be Old Dirty Bastard.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 10:27:59 PM CDT

    Ol' Dirty and Rudy Ray

    by gilbert

    You gimme yo' numba

    I call you up

    You act like yo pussy don't interrupt

    I ain't gpt np trouble wit you fuckin' me

    But I got a little problem with you not fuckin me

    Now that you heard my tongue voice (Not sure on this one)

    You couldn't give another n*gga pussy warm an' moist

    If you wanna look good and not be bummy

    GIRL YOU BETTER GIMME DAT MONEY!

    Hey! Dirty! Baby I gotcha money don'tcha worry, I said hey! Baby I gotcha money.

    I think ODB should be in a movie someday, but not Dolemite, they're two different things. And the 70's soul movies (As Rudy calls them, strange that he's the only one who doesn't like the word "blaxploitation") CAN be done today, but not as a total 70's thing. Like Shaft 200 rocked the world because it understood that there was something to be learned from the 20 some years of film making between itself and Shaft: Episode 1. So it took influence from John Woo and Lethal Weapon and stuff. Then we had Jackie Brown which was more Hawaii 5-0 than anything else, but it took an Elmore Leonard story, applied Tarantino substance, and jut took the style in the direction of something like.... Most everything else Pam Grier had done. I think Mexploitation is what's getting big now. After Robert Rodriguezes early masterpieces we had some shit with Joey Lawrence in Mexico, then "The Mexican", and of course the hole in the hand and penis gun suggest that "Dusk til Dawn" was written after Quentin saw the Mariachi movies. I imagine that "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" will bring about another onslaught of copies, this time though, none will have the wonderfulness of "FDTD". Every era has its exploitation genres, Rodriguez himself calls the Mariachi movies his "Bullets and Burritos" trilogy. I just wonder why we always have a bunch of white characters in Mexico. I mean Desperados funniest scene (To me) was when the dipshit college kids wandered in and Bitcho, as Buscemi would say, yelled "Can't you see we are WORKING?!" And you can't have a moment like that with Joey Lawrence as the lead.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 24, 2001 10:57:35 PM CDT

    FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    by the founder

    This is just what us African Americans need another piece of crap to portray is in a derogatory(spellcheck)manner. I'm sure the heads at Dimention just ate this pitch up like candy in a first grade class. Well at least it'll have one thing in common with the oringal, and that is a white clueless screenwriter's take on African American culture that he/she picked up from the media and a ton of rap videos(the negative ones of course).I will not see this for all the money in the world, oh yeah it's GONNA SUCK BIG TIME!

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 25, 2001 3:39:09 AM CDT

    what's next remakes of remakes of remakes??

    by labman

    just wondering whhat happens when everythig has been recycled and ruined. Ohh I liked the original better.... Mayber remake the remakes to say "hey this is how it should have been remade" and so on and so on.... I think I've just figured something out...

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 25, 2001 1:13:30 PM CDT

    Doesn't matter, Disco Godfather is by far the best...

    by buckna

    "Put your weight on it!!!"

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 25, 2001 6:34:09 PM CDT

    Tell him its Black Belt Jones

    by blackbeltjones

    We need another Black Belt Jones. Absolutely hands down the baddest muthaf***a on the planet. I have to break out Black Belt Jones on VHS at least once a month just to watch the opening scene over the credits. And the music is awesome. And if we can't get a Black Belt Jones movie, how about a Truck Turner movie.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 25, 2001 8:41:34 PM CDT

    Leroy! Leroy!!!

    by saintofthepit

    Rudy Ray Moore is the ONLY Dolemite. No remakes needed. I hope Petey Wheatstraw shows up with his cane to make this a real Dolemite movie with Rudy. I can hear him now: "You motherfuckers will never learn! Fucking up movies for what you can earn! Well, I've got a present for you, so put down your glass, so I can kick your motherfucking ass!"
    Then, he'd kick them into the middle of next week, and when they landed there, he'd be waiting to kick it again.

    Reply to Talkback

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