Father Geek is the bearer of sad news today... Dr. SOTHA has been denied permission to leave France. What cine secrets did he learn in Cannes that could possibily have lead to his imprisonment in the South of France? What are "the powers at be" scared the good doctor will leak to the world through these pages? What did he witness, what clips or dailies has he seen that require such harsh actions on the behalf of the French authorities? We may never know, although our agents are at work at this very moment, digging for the facts. Where's a palmcorder when you really need one. My God, SOTHA was staying at AICN Headquarters with Harry in Cannes, could it be the local gardien at the local commissariat de police mixed up targets... rest assured, we'll do all we can to free our chief African agent... and get to the bottom of this afront to the power of the press...

Here's Nurse Hollis with the Doc's phoned in report...

Believe this or not, but our DR.SOTHA is being held in what he called 'a French Purgatory' for the last 4 days at Nice (as in Knees, not ice) airport security. Captured after he and Harry parted ways, he was given one short phone call, which he used to call me, his most lovely and loyal Nurse Hollis.

He instructed me to send the Africa-AICN column to Fathergeek in Texas ASAP and explain to the readers, that for the sake of his medical practice and this weekly column, he will 'bust a cap on the French Authorities ass' if that's what it takes to win back his freedom and gain access to a computer keyboard. He apologizes for the delay, and promises us a daily account of Cannes and what led to his 'grossly uncalled for capture'. I'll keep you all posted on the developments. Rest assured, I am flying to the Nice Airport, to try and smuggle a laptop in for him.

PS. He compiled this column using Medical Morse code transferred to me in blood on his bed linens. (drips and slices instead of dots and dashs)

SOUTH AFRICA

* South African director Oliver Schmitz has received rave reviews at Cannes for his new film, "Hijack Stories." The movie is set in post-apartheid modern-day Johannesburg and revolves around Sox, a local MTV anchorman, who is still looking for his big break. After being rudely rejected by a white director casting for a detective film, Sox decides to immerse himself in the Soweto townships to learn about gangster life.

* The Film and Publication Board has passed the video version of the French arthouse film "Romance" for general distribution without cuts. The film, which features several scenes of explicit nudity and sex will carry an age restriction of 18, which means that it may only be rented or sold to adults.

"Romance", directed by Catherine Breillat, concerns a woman who explores a variety of sexual alternatives when the man she adores refuses to satisfy her longing for love and intimacy. The film explores the woman's psyche in an intimate and extremely personal manner, inviting the viewer to share her most private thoughts, desires and fantasies. While the film is considered a credible and serious cinematic work, it does - to an extent - test the limits of conventional acceptability with regards to its graphic treatment of sex and sexuality. The film avoids the graphic depiction of explicit sexual intercourse, but does include scenes of oral sex, penetrative sex, erect penises, masturbation, anal rape and bondage. While explicit scenes of this nature would typically be classified as X18, the Board felt that the film's clearly defined characters and narrative overwhelmed the degree of sexual explicitness (Is it me or are the Board of Classification actually making sense, can it be? - DR.SOTHA.)

While most pornographic material is classified X18 and is limited to distribution through adult stores, explicit sex (no matter how extensive or detailed) is classified 18 if it occurs within the context of a 'sound' storyline (I can hear the sound of dictionary's opening, scanning the word 'sound' - DR.SOTHA)

The potentially problematic bondage sequences are also tempered by an obvious lack of violence and a definite display of sensitivity and care on the part of the male character. The Board also noted that the treatment of one of the film's strongest images of male nudity was within a safe sex context in which the application of a condom is clearly depicted. The film includes a real birth scene as well as a gynaecological examination. It was felt that the treatment of these elements serves to underscore the filmmaker's interest in examining various aspects of the female condition. "Romance" has been banned in Ireland, but carries an 18 rating in the UK, Germany, Italy, New Zealand, Spain, Switzerland, Norway and Argentina. In the United States, the uncut version has not been rated, while 11 minutes were shaved off the general distribution version in order for it to be given an R (restricted) rating (Imagine a double bill of 'Romance' and 'Cannibal Holocaust' on South African Screens - chaos, bedlam, madness - DR.SOTHA)

* Mick Jagger's daughter Elizabeth has had an extraordinary argument with boyfriend Damien Van Zyl - which resulted in him biting her lip (In South Africa biting someone's lip is an extraordinary sign of love, she must of misinterpreted the gesture - DR.SOTHA.) The Rolling Stone legend's daughter was found crying on a New York street by club boss Gene DeNino, who advised her to leave South African Van Zyl, and then hailed her a cab. Elizabeth, 17, and fellow model Damien, 23, recently moved into a New York apartment together after a spell in dad Mick's townhouse.

* Hollywood starlet Charlize Theron liked 80s singer Cyndi Lauper so much as a child that she dyed her hair pink to look like her idol. The beautiful actress got the opportunity to see Lauper five years ago at Los Angeles night-spot The Viper Room, but confesses she was too nervous to speak to her. She says, "I was so starstruck. I so badly wanted to meet her but I didn't have the balls to go up to her and say 'Hi, I'm your biggest fan!' I just couldn't do it." (What a weird coincidence, I dyed my hair pink just last week in a plea to singer 'Pink' to accompany me on a 3 month cruise around the Carribean. At the time of going to press, she had not yet responded. - DR.SOTHA)

* Principal photography has commenced in Cape Town on a big budget high action thriller called MANHUNT. Additional filming will take place in Vienna once the 36-day South African shoot is completed. Philo Pieterse of Philo Films is the South African producer. Manhunt is targeted at the US and German television markets.

* The news you've all been waiting for - THE SOUTH AFRICAN BOX OFFICE: Anthony Hopkins' ultra-creepy cannibal re-incarnation, Hannibal, has munched (who comes up with these lame puns? - DR.SOTHA) his way to the top of the South African box office, having digested (?) a spectacular R4 175 895 in the film's first week of release. This film is the sequel to The Silence of the Lambs. The cannibal is followed by the beauty queen, Miss Congeniality (R9 575 757 to date), which in turn is followed by 'Head Over Heels', 'See Spot Run' and 'Dr T & the Women.'

* The four day Soweto Film and Arts Festival commences on 23 May. Its theme is Townships within the African Context : Focussing on Aids and Xenophobia. The festival will take place in three different venues in Soweto including Chiawello Community Centre, Diepkloof Hall and Dobsonville. For the first time kiosks will be installed where industry decision makers will have a chance to interact with filmgoers. This is in line with the objective of the organisers, InFinance Consulting, Film Resource Unit (FRU) and the National Film and Video Foundation (NFVF) which aim to cultivate a cinema going culture in black townships and to stimulate debate on key African issues through film. Some of the films to be screened at the festival include THE FOREIGNER (Zola Maseko South Africa), MORE TIME (Isaac Mabhikwa - Zimbabwe), EVERYONE'S CHILD (Tsitsi Dangarembga- Zimbabwe) and PIECES d' IDENTITE (Mwenze Ngangura - Democratic Republic of Congo."

* The Big Brother pre-show to be broadcast on pay-TV station M-Net at 6pm on Sunday, 20 May will introduce viewers to the worldwide phenomenon of this hit reality series, while detailing the complexities and uniqueness of the South African show. Ten applicants will share a house for a possible 100 days, where only one will emerge as the winner of the R1-million prize (Equivalent to buying a loaf of bread and milk in America - DR.SOTHA.) Bringing further external debate on the machinations and complexities of the show will be a panel of experts from various fields who will debate the numerous aspects of Big Brother, from its entertainment value to its in-house struggles and workings. Viewers will also be introduced to Big Brother's two presenters, Gerry Rantseli and Mark Pilgrim. "Big Brother is 'daily drama' on some days, 'sitcom' on others, 'soap', 'documentary' and 'game show' all rolled into one extreme reality television show - live for 100 days," says Carl Fischer, CEO of M-Net's commissioning arm, Magic Works (I can hear the moans of 'death to art' now.)

* Sticking with 'BIG BROTHER'. Wanted: 10 fun-loving South Africans over the age of 21 Pay-TV broadcaster M-Net is calling for individuals from around South Africa to apply to become one of the 10 housemates on South Africa's new locally produced reality series, Big Brother. The individual who overcomes the pressures of living in an isolated house for 106 days will become R1-million richer on 9 December. The final 10 housemates will be chosen from applicants from all around the country regardless of social background, financial status, culture, race, gender or disability and will reflect South African society in the best possible way that befits the workings of Big Brother. M-Net will apply an extremely stringent selection process for the correct 10 individuals. Applicants can collect application forms by calling 082 282 0000 or from the MultiChoice head office in Randburg or branches in Cape Town and Durban. For more info visit www.bigbrothersa.com. NORTH AFRICA

* Rigobert Song for your pleasure:

Hi there readers, Sotha's been Icognito in France the last week, and has not been prompt with my reviews. He better have a good reason (You wait and see - DR.SOTHA) or I'm going to go Icognito on him with the Africa-AICN column.

So here's a mini-review on Zan Boko. Before I forget e-mail me your African film musings to Rigobert Song And Sotha when you put this up I hope it eats away at you that I had to wait a week to see the review online (like acid - DR.SOTHA)

ZAN BOKO (Homeland) Directed by Gaston Kaboré - Burkina Faso - In Mori with English subtitles - 94 minutes

ZAN BOKO explores the conflict between tradition and modernity, a central theme in many contemporary African films, such as "Keïta" and "Ta Dona". It tells the poignant story of a village family swept up in the current tide of urbanization. In doing so, Zan Boko expertly reveals the transformation of an agrarian, subsistence society into an industrialized commodity economy. Zan Boko is also one of the first African films to explore the impact of the mass media in changing an oral society into one where information is packaged and sold. The film provides viewers with a unique opportunity to see our own televised civilization through the eyes of the traditional societies it is replacing. It really says 'everything' that needs to be said about an endangered way of life' as the New York Times put it. The critical camera becomes an instrument of resistance in the face of technocrats.I have never experienced African cinema before with this amount of ardent resistance against a precarious climate such as ours. Watch it, absorb it, and thank God you don't come from a Third World Country.

* British actress Janet McTeer never wants to see sand again after spending six weeks in the Namibian desert and going through hundreds of contact lenses. The Oscar-nominated 'Tumbleweeds' star admits she and her "The King Is Alive" co-stars, including Jennifer Jason Leigh and French actress Romane Bohringer, were on the verge of going stir crazy in remote African mining town Kolmanskop because beautiful sunsets are only beautiful if you can see them. McTeer explains, "We got pretty sick of the sand and the wind.

Together they ruined many a pair of contact lenses. Every day you went through two pairs." The cast also found themselves acting in a sandstorm, and had to endure the basics but the natural wonders around them made the experience worthwhile. McTeer adds, "There was nothing to do. There was a television but it didn't work and the telephone was too expensive. The production team had bought us a video machine and a whole bunch of videos we could watch but we didn't really bother. We all got into the whole sort of, `We're here, let's just go and watch the sunset.' Everything was much slower." (Nobody appreciates Africa anymore - DR.SOTHA)

AFRICAN AMERICAN

* With the unsolved murder of Robert Blake's wife, Bonny Lee Bakley, making headlines and getting compared to the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson, it was only a matter of time before someone in the media got O.J. Simpson's take on it. According to Reuters, that's just what the syndicated entertainment magazine show Extra did for an interview aired last Thursday. In the interview, O.J. admits to being "fascinated" when he first heard of it and says, "my first reaction was an immediate feeling of compassion for (Blake) because I knew what he was about to go through." O.J. also added some advice for Blake, saying "don't watch TV, Robert... I know that watching TV is only going to frustrate him. That's all it's going to do." (Why don't they start up a 'I was accused of murdering my wife, and now the world doesn't like me anymore' support group - DR.SOTHA)

* Queen Latifah, the versatile musician/actress/talk show host, is in discussions to star in and executive produce the comedy "In the Houze" for Disney and Hyde Park Entertainment. The part would be the actress' biggest starring film role to date and her first big-screen appearance since 1999's "The Bone Collector." The script, bought from Jason Filardi early last year and originally titled "Jailbabe.com," centers on a man who uses the Internet to find a date. He strikes up an online relationship with a woman in jail (Queen Latifah) who has multiple stories about her background. When she gets out of jail, she proceeds to wreak havoc on the man's orderly upper-middle-class life.

* Halle Berry is being stalked - by one of her first boyfriends (You have no proof - DR.SOTHA.) Berry admits the first man she ever dumped has never gotten over her and still harasses her. She candidly admits, "He actually started stalking me (That's a damn lie - DR.SOTHA.) I don't want to say his name (Oh go on say it DR.SOTHA, DR.SOTHA, DR.SOTHA there's nothing to feel ashamed of), but he sent me dead snakes (plastic, it was plastic - a joke - DR.SOTHA) in the mail and all kinds of crazy stuff. I don't think he's calmed down yet, if you want to know the truth. He still aggravates my life." She continues, "I feel really sorry for him. He's got some problems. but I'm really glad I broke up with him." (Denial can be an ugly thing - DR.SOTHA)

* Peter Segal ("Nutty Professor II: The Klumps") is in negotiations to direct Paramount Pictures-based Icon Prods.' sci-fi comedy "StarChild," which is being developed as a potential starring vehicle for Tim Allen. There is no start date. Allen's Boxing Cat Prods. Is also producing the project, about a socially challenged CIA agent who must help a friendly alien return to his planet before an interplanetary war erupts on Earth. Dan O'Dowd wrote the screenplay and will co-produce the project, which was set up at Icon in February.

* Hip-hop entrepreneur Sean Combs is in negotiations to join the cast of Lions Gate Films' "Monster's Ball" for director Marc Forster and producer Lee Daniels. The project begins shooting May 24 in Louisiana with a cast that includes Billy Bob Thornton, Heath Ledger and Halle Berry. "Monster's," written by Milo Addica and Will Rokos, centers on Hank (Thornton), who lives with his aging racist father, Buck, and his twentysomething son, Sonny (Ledger). Hank and Sonny work for the local prison, where they are preparing the electric chair for a black inmate (Combs). Hank winds up falling in love with the inmate's widow, Leticia (Berry), who is unaware that Hank knew her husband.

* Traffic star Don Cheadle has an internet dilemma - cyberspace has wrecked his private life but he's being prompted to set up his own website. The computer-unfriendly actor was horrified when he discovered one fan had posted all his addresses on the internet - prompting devotees to visit him in the middle of the night. He says, "I'm mistrustful of the conduit that the internet is and all that access because I feel that you're being as watched as you're watching. I was getting a lot of fan mail at my house and some fan sent me a letter with the last six addresses that I had lived at in the letter, so the credit reporting agency or whatever sold him the info and then they put that on the Internet, so that's kind of a drag when stuff like that happens. That creeps you out, especially when they come in the middle of the night and drop scripts off at your door (And for the record that wasn't me Mr. Cheadle - DR.SOTHA.) My house is easy to get to and I wasn't there when they came. My wife was there and they knocked on the door and asked, 'Does Don Cheadle live here? We have a script for him.' That's too much." (You ask nurses to be subtle but they fail time and time again - DR.SOTHA)

* Media mogul Oprah Winfrey has a TV show, a magazine and a book club - and now a college course all about her, where she even has to mark papers. The beloved talk show giant is the subject of a history class being given at America's University of Illinois - and this week she'll have to slog through 14 papers, each at least 20 pages long, all about her historical relevance. When her boyfriend Stedman Graham showed her a newspaper story about it, Oprah recalls saying, "I'm like, 'this is a real class?'" She adds, "I told them all, 'Please send me your papers'. You know, they've done all the work for me so I don't have to spend any time thinking about it." Class professor Juliet E.K. Walker "used Oprah as a prism to get at the intersection of race, class, and gender in the post-civil rights era."

(I'm launching a Spike Lee college course on racial ethics, and want him to mark all the papers, in an effort to cure racism from the face of the earth once and for all - please contact my PR Nurse for further information - DR.SOTHA)

One last thing DR.SOTHA mentioned, was to TELL Harry that "one particular French Cab driver" was the reason he got into all this shit in the first place. Whatever that means?