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Joe Hallenbeck's PEARL HARBOR: A Line Must Be Drawn!
Hey folks, Harry here... It's scary how accurate Hallenbeck is... but also he has some criticisms about the film that aren't accurate (but he'd have to see the movie to realize that) but his heart is in the right place. This movie isn't the film to rush out to see... I'd say wait 3 weeks and hit a matinee on Sunday. Here is Hallenbeck...
What is up, my Negroes?! Or, is it "are up?" What is it? Well, who gives a fuck!
It’s that time of year again, my lil’ bitches and like a rabid groundhog, the Mighty Joe Hallenbeck is going to rear his ugly head to cast a shadow over that eye sore known as the Summer Movie Going Season. For the last several years we have been so disappointed in what the ‘Wood has had to offer. Sure, some gems like X-MEN and THE 6th SENSE have manage to survive the triteness of the "typical" summer flick, but films like that are few and far in between. Now, we come to the Summer of 2001. . .a time when one would hope the films would begin to turn around from last year’s drivel and the previous year’s stank. Memorial Day usually kicks off the Summer Movie going Season with the film that, traditionally, is the "EVENT MOVIE OF THE YEAR!" Let’s look back at the past "Event" films that have kicked off the summer season:
Mission: Impossible – Uno y Dos.
Star Wars: The Jar Jar Menace
Godzilla
The Flintstones
The Lost World
Shall I continue? No, I didn’t think so. I’ll allow you a moment to wipe the blood away from your eyes after reading those titles.
So, now we come to Y2K1, with hopes that Mr. Bay and Mr. Bruckheimer will break this evil spell of crapfests. Have they succeeded? Will PEARL HARBOR be the one flick to wipe away that pustule, infected scar tissue known as the Memorial Day "EVENT" Film?
HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?! I haven’t seen the movie nor do I have ANY intentions of doing so! I am not about to waste nine bucks and three hours of my precious time watching an overblown piece of shit, flag-waving, "Bombing-of-Pearl-Harbor" movie by the guys who brought us Armageddon! Oh, and before you say, "But Mighty One, you LOVED Armageddon"…let me just say that I still do and always will. THAT is a mindless piece of fluff entertainment NOT meant to do ANYTHING ELSE but entertain. Granted, a lot of people didn’t even find it very entertaining. . .however, a lot did.
The point here is that a subject matter like Pearl Harbor should not be subjected by the slick, glossy filmmaking styles of two charlatans like Bay and Bruckheimer. This subject matter has been attacked a BAJILLION times on film. . .some versions good (FROM HERE TO ETERNITY) some versions so-so (TORA! TORA! TORA!). What B & B (and I ain’t referring to Beavis and Butthead. Although. . .) have created here is a hackneyed romance set against a tragic period in American History. They have "Disneyfied" the subject to no avail. The sad thing is, I haven’t even seen this movie and I KNOW this is the case. Shit, all you have to do is watch the trailer or the 10,000 TV spots for the flick to see what a supped up, glossy piece of Mickey Mouse shit this is! Disney is cramming so much shit down the movie watching public’s throats that it has become YOUR mission to fork over a year’s salary and partake in a flick YOU KNOW will BLOW! I, for one, will not be bullied into a film that will suck. My tastes of late have changed dramatically. I know from the first 5 seconds of a trailer if this is a film I want to see. The trailer for Pearl didn’t BUY me! Disney couldn’t even fuckin sell me on the TRAILER! Who the fuck do they have working on the marketing, CHRIS PULA?!
First off, the only clue you give your audience as to what this film is about is ‘Splosions! Lots and lots of BOOM-BOOM! Granted, the majority of the film going public is mentally retarded, but I believe, it’s a filmmaker’s task to deliver a product that will entertain as well as educate an audience. That is not your intentions at all. You have belittled the audience’s intelligence by patronizing to the lowest, cousin pokin’ mentality.
Knowing how utterly predictable and wretched this movie is I’m going to put my size 3 inch dick out on the chopping block and dare to review the "MUST SEE" film of the Summer!
So, sit back, grab yer pecker and enjoy a complete BS, but "so sad it is accurate" review of a film I will never see. . .
PLOT: Ben Affleck is a good man and a good American. He wants to fight in the war, but his girl won’t let him. However, knowing that her beau is a noble man, she lets him go. In the meantime she falls for his best friend, played by Assface from H20. Ben dies…or so we think. The Japs bomb the shit out of Hawaii. Many people have boo-boos. The relationship between chicky baby and Assface is shaky at best ‘cus she still loves Ben. Some dogfight ensues at the end and Ben miraculously saves the day. YAY! HUR-RAY! He’s not dead after all. All is not lost. The US Armed forces will gather arms and kick some Rising Sun Ass. The end…or is it? Who knows what happens? Maybe we’ll find out in Pearl Harbor II: D-DAY! In that, Ben will be flying the Enola Gay, but some how be transported into the future – to the Present Day. He’ll fly west and arrive over Burbank. He’ll spot that eyesore known as Disney Studios and drop the bomb. Eisner and his Daisy Chain of wannabe Movie moguls will all be destroyed, along with the master prints of The Santa Clause and all post Katzenberg animated films Disney has produced (of course, the PIXAR stuff will be stored safely up in Northern California).
THE DIRECTION: Subtlety is not one of Michael Bay’s strong suits. You’d have a better chance finding a tasty spot on Rosie O’Donnell’s inner thigh than you would finding a subtle, gentile moment in a Bay flick. That said, I have thoroughly enjoyed his films in the past. I think THE ROCK is one of the best, straightforward action films ever made. BAD BOYS is also a fun little romp. . .a wee bit too long, but an enjoyable movie never the less. And ARMAGEDDON, well . . .if you don’t know how I feel about it, go read my old review. With Pearl Harbor Bay has managed to "HOLLYWOODIZE" a subject matter as tragic and important as this. Like Emmerich and Devlin did last year with THE PATRIOT, Bay trivializes our American History by putting in lame "heroic" moments and glossing up death. If Bay would have directed SCHINDLER’S LIST he would have made the "SHOWER SCENE" look slick – close ups of the gas being released, the women’s tears flowing down their faces. The THX Sound System would have been working overtime with the ear piercing screams of the dying Jews. The last soul would have reached up to the heavens and uttered the words, "Why, God? Why?" Oh, and not to mention Zimmer’s over the top Operatic score reaching a Crescendo when that last woman’s arm drops lifeless to the ground.
Look, Mr. Bay – I think what you have done with your previous films was entertaining. . .headache inducing, but entertaining nevertheless. However, you have NO RIGHT as a filmmaker to tackle such an important subject such as this. This is a major back step in your career. You were mocked and ridiculed before this film, but now you’ll be laughed out of the ‘Wood. Do yourself a favor and take some time off. Look for a script that is small in scope and intimate in characters. You are NOT James Cameron. You don’t have the ability as a filmmaker to balance a sappy romance with a big budget action, special f/x spectacle. Be like my Hallen-cock and think small.
THE WRITTING: Oh, so you mean there WAS a script? Didn’t they just take the romance of Titanic, horrendous cliched lines written by Audie Murphy Jr, and add ‘splosions to make this WONDERFUL film? I haven’t heard dialogue this bad since I saw the immortal CONGO! It’s the kind of lines that sound like nails on the chalkboard when delivered. It makes you weep for the future of screenwriting.
THE ACTING:
BEN: Oh, he’s SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Dreamy! I can buy him in Smith flicks and even as the good guy in REINDEER GAMES, but here as a Patriotic soldier? He looks more out of place than Keanu Reeves does at a Mensa Meeting! Ben, Hon, stop trying to act cool. You’re not. You’re not the "hero" type. If you were any kind of actor you would step down from the latest Jack Ryan movie and say to those schmucks at Paramount, "Uh, guys. . .I’m just not right for this Jack Ryan role. Give Alec a shit load of money and have him reprise the role he was born to play." Be a man, damn it!
ASSFACE: Assface is an actor whom I loathe, despise and cannot stand. He is a talent less little phop who must give great head in order to have achieved the roles he has won. He played the bad ass in the wretched FACULTY, Jamie Lee’s son in H20, and now commands the lead in Ridley Scott’s latest opus, BLACK HAWK DOWN. The one thing I can say about Assface’s performance is that he FINALLY got his hair combed by someone in make-up. Other than that, please die. OD on something. Drop out of film acting and go back to your true calling of making Iced Mocha Fraps at Starbucks. One Keanu in this industry is about all that we can handle at a time, so please, Assface, stop making movies. ‘Kay? Kiss-kiss!
CHICKY BABY: Some wanker who may be a good actress, but you sure as hell couldn’t tell here. Of course, that’s the scripts fault. It’s not her fault. She just wanted the big paycheck and the chance to work with the "dreamy" Affleck.
CUBA: He’s to fuckin cool to be in this flick. Shame on you, dude!
THE BALDWIN THAT CAN ACT: Stick to Mamet. ‘Nuff said!
THE MUSIC: Uh, Mr. Zimmer, Ennio called. . .he would like his sheet music back.
THE ‘SPLOSIONS: I haven’t seen this many explosions fill the screen since that Annabel Chong Movie! ‘Splosions are cool, but they don’t make up for the lack of story or the wretched dialogue.
Disney should be ashamed of themselves. Of course, being the Whores that they are they think it is perfectly all right, if not "patriotic," to cram this film down the public’s throats. Instead of the public making this film the "MUST SEE" movie of the summer, Disney and their marketing machine is TELLING you that IT IS! It was a beautiful time when a film would come out with little fanfare, relying on word of mouth to make it the "IT" film you just HAD to see. That’s not the case any more. We are TOLD what to see. We are TOLD what to watch. And, if we don’t, we can’t be part of the "Water Cooler" club. I didn’t watch one second of that Survivor show and I ain’t gonna watch one frame of this film. My time would be better spent picking up trash and hoeing weeds off the side of the freeway. Oh, wait a second – I do that anyway. Never mind.
You KNOW this movie will suck. However, you will still go to it, fork over your nine bucks and waste 3 hours of your life. You’ll come out of it claiming it was such an abysmal piece of shit that you’ll want to take up arms and storm the gates of Disney.
I ask you this: If you know that is a pile of dog shit sitting on the ground would you still pick it up and eat it? NO! If you KNOW fire burns, would you still reach into the flame to test it to see if it burns? NO! You’re not a fuckin idiot! You are, I hope, a rational, intelligent human being who is able to make up your own mind and not cater to the whim of a Corporate Whore like McMicro Disney (the ULTIMATE CORPORATION THAT WILL COME ABOUT AFTER THE MAJOR MERGER OF 2008!).
DO NOT SEE THIS FILM! DO NOT let films like this continue to be made! This is NOT "supporting the arts!" Go see MEMENTO! Go see SHREK! Go see THE DISH! Hell, go see THE MUMMY RETURNS if you HAVE to see mindless entertainment! Make a fuckin stand NOW! These whores care only about one thing – MONEY! Do not give them YOURS! Take that $9.00 and rent a few good movies. Rent any of these great classics I’ve watched recently:
Modern Times – Hell, ANY CHAPLIN flick!
King’s Row
Splendor in the Grass
Auntie Mame
Seconds
The Robe
The House of Usher (Corman/Price)
Rebecca – or ANY Hitchcock FILM!
Cat People (The Lewton version!)
Lost Horizon – or ANY Capra flick!
Rent SOMETHING if you want to watch a movie! Do NOT see this film! AVOID IT! SEND A MESSAGE!
Goddamn it, make this film BOMB! Do NOT perpetuate shit like this! Do not let filmmaker’s like Jerry and Michael put their own spin on historical feats like this! Do not let them get away with a crime like this! Stop letting F/X and ‘splosions get in the way of telling a decent story! There is only ONE WAY these asswipes will get this message and that’s by not adding any more mula to their fat wallets. This Memorial Day, pay your respects to the men and woman who fought to make this country great and also to those who have made this industry last for as long as it has. Pay your respects to filmmakers like Ford, Capra, Wyler or Curtiz. . .those daring filmmakers who fought the war in the ‘Wood while our Boys were kicking some ass overseas!
Oh, and for those who think I’m being too harsh on Disney, you should read what I have to write about Warner Bros. That Bitch slapping will come next week with my review of SWORDFISH. . .a movie that has two things going for it – and they’re BOTH attached to Halle Berry.
Send your nude photos of your sister to:
My Porn Drawer By Clicking Here,
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
{Editor's Note: This Review Has Been Approved By Pussy}
Readers Talkback
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full of sound and fury and signifying nothing (sic)
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May 24, 2001, 11:54 a.m. CST
JOE WHO? ANYWAY I HAVE TO SEE PEARL FOR MYSELF AND BESIDES OUR R
by jon-e-blaze
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I saw this film last night. Lame-fucking-o. I think even the hardcore Bay fans will pretty much hate this. And Jerry Fuckheimer, stop doing blow off of Don Simpson's rotting corpse before you choose a project. This review was spot on, and he was lucky enough NOT to have seen it.
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Hey, Joe? Where you goin' with that gun in your hand? Gonna rub out Bay and Bruckheimer as a public service to humanity! God, it's great to have you back. And I fully agree - why are people announcing so defensively that they ARE going to see it (so there!), when you know damn well they're all going to complain to high heaven about it afterwards?
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May 24, 2001, 12:08 p.m. CST
As soon as someone says they like Armageddon they have lost any
by doctorcreep
I have yet to sit all the way through it, or The Rock.
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You rock my world.
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The harder I tried to get my mind around the idea that X-MEN and THE SIXTH SENSE are supposed to be examples of "gems," the more nauseated I felt. It was at that point that I gained enough insight into Hallenbeck's tastes to realize that I stood to gain nothing by reading the rest of the review. Sorry.
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May 24, 2001, 12:25 p.m. CST
Not even what this guy wrote is gonna stop the idiots who come t
by Gustavo Cerati
"Duuhhhh...they say it sucks...duuhhh....I
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I really needed a reason not to see this movie. They've been showing the long-ass, BORING trailer for two years now. The music makes me sick, and it would take a monkey wrench crushing my nuts to suppress my laughter if the notion that these filmmakers could make a watchable film ever crossed my mind.
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Absolutely perfect! You want Alec back as Jack Ryan, and you noticed Hartnett finally combed his damn hair! Genius, my brother! Damn, I've even forgiven you for liking "Armageddon!"
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Has the writter of the article lost a job in Disney? or Has is Mr B. his lost Love? I don't Care either way this rant is moronic. If you havn't seen a film Don't tell others how the acting and FX suck You have only seen the trailer. To Finish I just want to say the list of Films to Rent SUCK I mean chaplin Crap, Harold Loyd was better every time. This article sounds like some losers rantings when he is drunk. I am sure you could have done better.
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May 24, 2001, 12:37 p.m. CST
Why is it always "Don't waste your money" or "I cried over the $
by Charles Grady
Are all my fellow film geeks THAT poor? I swaer, every internet review I ever see where the poster didn't like the review, he/she always puts it in terms of "money down the drain." Here again, Hallenback is warning you to "save your nine bucks and three hours of your life." Just my personal opinion, but as a TRUE movie lover, film is the issue, not money. I see 60 or 70 movies a year on the big screen, and I never, no matter how bad the film is, regret the MONEY I spent. I just see the money spent as a necessary fact of life, just as people alot money for gas or the phone bill or a roof over my head. I love the movies and value any moviegoing experience, whether it's GOODFELLAS or BATTLEFIELD EARTH. I know maybe a lot of you are younger or in college and don't have money falling off a tree in your backyard, but the "don't waste your money" argument should be lost on anyone who loves film. That sounds to me like the reaction of an average Joe who views movies as commerce, not art. Come on, AICN'ers always complain when studios put money over artistic integrity, including in some ways this very piece above. We loathe when studio execs see film only in terms of its box-office possibilites, when they judge films not on quality but on how much they pull in a weekend. Don't be guilty of the same thing. If you hate a movie, hate it for artistic reasons, not because you shelled out a particular monetary amount. Jeez, if you're that broke, catch a matinee! It still gets me when people say, "Wait for video." Look, if you catch a matinee it's like, what $4.50? $6, tops? Hell, Blockbuster charges like $4 bucks just to rent a pan-and-scan of the movie, so go see it in a damn theatre the way it was meant to be seen. Moviegoing doesn't HAVE to be a $50 experience, but even if it is, I would think a proud film geek could justify the price and forget about it, then concentrate on what's on the screen, not in his wallet.
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May 24, 2001, 12:41 p.m. CST
Size 3 inch dick? I always knew you were compensating for someth
by Batutta
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Don't always agree with you(will probably see PH this Sunday afternoon) or the language you use at times, but it's good to see ya back here. .
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whenever a new movie comes out, I read the reviews, and yes even those that get the crappiest ones known to the species...I still go and see. I want to experience films firsthand, and I take reviews into consideration, but I never come out of a movie whining about how I could have spent that 8 bucks(I live in Indiana, so we're not in the 9 bucks and beyond movie ticket prices yet) on something else. Most of the PH reviews have been negative, but most summer flicks get negative reviews, and ironically, we all flock to the theatres for the same reason...to be entertained, regardless of how accurate the portrayals are, or how good the script is.
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I take exception to this piece of junk review! Suffer in knowing I have an oscarrrrrr (Good Will Hunting script. Booyah!) and eat your words when I take the oscar again for "Sum of All Fears".
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May 24, 2001, 1:51 p.m. CST
Bruckheimer/Bay are good when they aren't trying to make you cry
by ar42
Hence... The Rock: good. ("Winners go home and fuck the prom queen!") Armageddon: bad. ("I address you tonight not as the president of the United States, but as a citizen of humanity.") My guess for Pearl Harbor: bad. ("Don't die on me Jack! I love you! More than that other guy!")
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Saw a clip of this last night on Letterman and just about had a Pokemon seizure. Alec Baldwin and THOSE WHO ARE *BRAVE* ENOUGH stride out of the hanger as two planes fly into the dawn. You could send an inner city child to college for what it took to film this scene. Joe is right. Bad movies suck. Don't see them. I want Disney to take a beating on this.
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How lame. I think he's jealous of Ben Affleck because he get's to make out with all of these good looking girls in his movies. When you have so much contempt for an actor how can you look at a movie of his objectively? It's not gonna matter because when the DVD comes out for this it's going to Rock(Criterion Edition released recently). Oh yeah remember to demand anamorphic transfers for your DVDs and long live DVD!!!!
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Don't always agree with you(will probably see PH this Sunday afternoon) or the language you use at times, but it's good to see ya back here. .
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I say Patriot because that is the one that most comes to mind right now as making Hwood summer flick out of history. Slick, dumb and mawkish. Fuck it. Why take Pearl Harbor so seriously (the movie, I mean). Get off the controversy band wagon. It is what it is.
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...well, that was an original post, fuckhead! Someone complaining about a blockbuster! I've never heard that before. If you hate these movies so much, why devote so many bytes to a non-review of it? Because it doesn't matter? It must matter to you, or you'd just be quiet about it. Here's the lowdown, Opinion Boy. I agree, in principle, tbat most Hollywood films are junk. But, guess what? So are most independent films. So are most books. So are most albums. That's the whole concept of populist art. When art hits the mainstream, it becomes homogenized. So does milk. Milk has become so popular, that it can't be drunk in its purest form. Who fucking cares? There's bad shit out there, period. I don't really care if it's directed by Michael Bay or Woody Allen (have you seen his last five films? Is Mighty Aphrodite really more socially significant than Bad Boys? hell no), shit is shit is shit, and I'm so sick of hearing self-important people rail on about how bad things have become. Become? Have you paid any attention to the mistakes of the past. Ever hear of the following films? Cleopatra (Liz), The Green Berets, Heaven's Gate, etc. etc. Bad, expensive, moronic movies are a distinguished Hollywood tradition. Something else stupid: "movies used to come from out of nowhere", wah wah. Ever heard of: The Sixth Sense, Forrest Gump, Titanic, Home Alone. These are films that no one paid much heed to, or thought were destined for failure. Does this make them better films? Maybe they are, but not because of the box office receipts. How about brilliant films that came out of nowhere: Silence of the Lambs, Pulp Fiction, Crouching Tiger, Hidden DRagon, Traffic, the list goes on. These are quality films that grossed a lot of money and met with critical fanfare. Should they be banned because they made a lot of money? Would you like Memento if it had grossed 50 million opening weekend? Doubtfully, you just hate populist entertainment. Here's one more thought: art breeds subjectivity, it's the entire point of art, whether it's commercial or underground. If you don't like it, fine, don't like it. Tell people you don't like it. Sing to the hills, "I hate Pearl Harbor!" But don't condescend the 50 million people who will see it, just because you long for the "glory" days of The Valley of the Dolls".
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But anyone who "reviews" a film w/o seeing it and has the stupidity to actually say so is clearly a couple apples short of an orchard.
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Preach it brother Joe! Tell it! Lift your hands up to the sky and sing the words that will set you FREEEEE! Nice writin', dude.
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Huh-huh. I thought Josh Hartnett did a good job in Virgin Suicides, as a total beef-knob. Maybe that's all he can do, 'cause I haven't seen him in anything else.
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welcome back mr hallenbeck...you're the one and only thing that makes this site worthwhile
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If it did, it would be a completely different film, closer to "Private Ryan" in it's realistic portrayal of the chaos of war. But, no, let's gloss over some of that "emotion" stuff. Let's just show things blowing up. A love story? Ben Affleck? Good lord, these people just have no respect. And, yes, I've only seen the trailers, but good lord, I wanted to wretch right there in the theater. If the entire movie is as over-the-top and melodramatic as the trailer, I'll be running out of the theater during reel one. Japanese bombers flying over a little league field? Come on! The torn American flag in the water with the drowning/dead sailors? We get it! It was a tragedy! One that, apparently, led to a nation's finest hour... dropping the atomic bomb on millions of Japanese citizens? Woo hoo! America triumphs! That's what they get for sneak attackin' our boys!
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I must not be xenophobic, I must not be xenophobic, I must not be xenophobic. Okay, I'm not going to be xenophobic, but I am going to make a very sweeping statement here and say that every country in the world is full of morons. Including mine. There are very few people who's opinions are sound, and I am one of them. I have never met, nor heard of any of the others. Corporations own your opinions. When you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach that something you are doing doesn't feel right, then stop doing it.
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But most people are going to see the new Fellowship of The Ring movie, Part I of The One Movie. (wink)
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May 24, 2001, 5:12 p.m. CST
So, Disney is cramming, "Come see this movie," down our throats.
by themightyra
Is this guy trying to cram down our throats, "Don't watch this movie?" It's role reversal manipulating!! But none the less, I LOVE this guy's sense of humor and choice of adjectives--assface---that made my day. Though I have to agree with him about Hollywood. Oh, and some movies are good for a dim-witted dumb romp through reality distraction...like Armageddon is! so what if it's dumb...it's good if you've been through a hard day...am I right? Hell yes I am!
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May 24, 2001, 5:15 p.m. CST
Ha ha, you losers in them big cities have to pay $9 for a frieki
by themightyra
That's why you live in NEW MEXICO, where the theater tickers are $3 a piece...not shitting you!
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I skimmed the article so I am not sure if he was going for irony. If he didn't then I believe we have a new definition for the term. Spelling writing wrong in a critique of a professionals writing? This is why I love the internet!
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May 24, 2001, 6:14 p.m. CST
Exactly! Best review ever, even though he didn't see it. No ne
by The_Lion
Yeah!
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I am an oscar winner. Suck on that! The new Tool album was good by the way.
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This review is exactly what I think of this movie. It's awful, spoon-fed hollywood trite. It's the absolute worst kind of cinema. Money shot, after money shot, after money shot. All because it looks cool. Or moves in slow motion. "Look, the hero is running towards his cheating girlfriend. Start to cry...(Ben starts running in slo-mo)..NOW!" I will never see this movie.__________PS. racurnutte, bitching about people who bitch, pure gold, classic.
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And really--the Rosie O'Donnell "inner thigh" comment? What, are you fucking 18 or something? Harry, do us all a favor--spare us these childish rants from your bratty friends.
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Damn, joe, you're an ugly phat phuk like Harry. But at least you tell 'em like it is. Just when I've almost given up my will to peer pressure from all my cinematically uneducated friends to go watch the crapfests in the theaters, its good to know that there's some sensible people in this world. Joe, you should go kill Eisner by sitting on him and then take over his position.
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Criminy that Rock Hudson flick scares the bejesus out of me EVERY single time. If you worship the GOD named Frankenheimer, get this movie. Damn, and Murray Hamilton too. Leave those amateur filmakers behind and see how the MAN does it.
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The new TOOL album is pretty good.
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May 24, 2001, 7:40 p.m. CST
Hey Hallenback, I just wanted you to know YOU'RE NOT ALONE! I'm
by Basic Alias
I'm going to see Chopper down at the Bijou in Worcester, MA. Forget Bay and Fuckheimer, Armageddon was one of the most evil movies I've ever seen, yet another attempt to lower our nation's IQ. Personally, I'm hoping Pearl Harbor will be for them what Little Nicky was for Adam Sandler: a box office bomb and a wake-up call that you can't throw money at a bad script and make things all right. Strangely enough, I don't wish ill will on Sandler like I do on B&B, mostly because he just makes dumb movies because he enjoys working with his friends and doesn't seem to know better. Not so these other bastards. They're all about making money with smoke, mirrors and bullshit. And you know, I'm sick of the ego of some studios trying to convince the American public that if an event is important, than a movie about that event is just as great.
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Its not about the spending of the $9 bucks. Its about giving the $9 to someone who doesnt DESRVE it. Joe, you are right on the money and I couldn't agree with you more. I'm glad you spoke out and Harry, Im glad you posted it. When are we going to realise film is an ART FORM, not just a money making machine!?? WELL SAID JOE, HEAR HEAR!!!
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I absolutely refuse to support this bullshit slick glossing of human tragedy. Hallenbeck is 100% right about that - but what the fuck...he liked Bad Boyz? He thought the Rock was one of the best action flicks of all time?! Excuse me? The Rock was full or more holes than Hallenback's blow-up doll. Count the planes flying formation (god knows why) on the way to bomb the Rock. 6...no 5...now 6...5 again. Bay's so busy doing the visuals he can't even fucking count. Do right by those who died for our country - avoid this shallow attempt to turn a profit off their loss.
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The tone may have been ranty and insane, but all the relevant points were made and coherence didn't suffer. Its only when you cant tell what some frothing hydrophobe is trying to spit that it really matters. Harrys reviews have been far worse. Anyhoo, speaking for all the elitest aesthete, poetry-writin' pink-wearin' preverts (sic) in Yerp (and is do presume to do so, Hah) I could give a shits about a percieved immorality of bombing a military installation, especially after all those atom bombs (civilians anyone?, whose crying over them?) and the Iraqi thing, which is still dragging bloodily on. This movie is more fascist self-justification dressed up as 'tragedy'. I wipe my ass with your flag. But I do it with mine too. Still, its ironic that the new multinationals, of which Bruckenheimer/ Disney ABC are emissary and empire, are still pulling this nationalism shit on the poor blind public, hiding the realities of the present and future with anodyne lies about the past. Would you say that its time for people to crack each others heads open and feast on the goo inside? Yes Kent, I would..
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..the review, that is, not the movie. It's been far too long between Hallenbeck appearences. Somebody chain this guy to a computer and feed him whatever drugs/alcohol he goes for so he can produce more crazy shit for this site.
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May 24, 2001, 9:34 p.m. CST
Nice Annabella Chong reference, but who the hell is CHRIS PULA?
by Lenny Nero
I don't mean to seem ignorant. I'm just curious.
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May 24, 2001, 9:40 p.m. CST
I always say you can't judge a book by its cover. I'm seeing th
by Lenny Nero
But then again, I see everything.
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May 24, 2001, 9:44 p.m. CST
And has everyone forgotten about seeing an MATINEE? $6 max!
by Lenny Nero
Just see a fuckin' matinee! The audiences are usually better anyway. And you'll only have to complain about half the amount of money than originally. Also, what about seeing PEARL HARBOR and then SENAKING into another movie? I'm seeing PH tomorrow at noon, and at 3:30 there's a showing of SHREK. I can take the excess. I'm a film geek, for chrissakes! Day after I got back from Europe last summer I caught up with all the movies by seeing 5 movies in one day at the San Francisco Metreon: Titan A.E. (great great great), MI:2 (second time around I forgave it its weaknesses and gawked at the cool action scenens), Gone in 60 Seconds (not the shitfest you all say it is, but definitely not good), Shaft (good movie with great performance by Jeffrey Wright), and Chicken Run (ahhhh claymation, how I love thee!). So there! See a fuckin' matinee! Sneak! Stop bitching! Nuff said!
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That was a great editorial. I was thinking about watching a matinee tomorrow, but after studying this article, I've searched my true feelings about the subject and realize there's no reason to go. Just for the record, I dug Bruckheimer Productions a helluva lot more back when he was working with Don Simpson. Say what you will, but they pumped out some fun ones: Top Gun (i appreciate it's camp factor...but did they??), Beverly Hills Cop (but definitely NOT the sequel), Crimson Tide (credit the strong acting Hackman and Washington brought to that one). Hell, I even liked Bay's previous Bad Boys, and loved The Rock, even though I admit I shouldn't. But Bruckheimer's track record without Simpson is as follows: Con Air (extremely mediocre action flick...can Simon West direct a good action film? I guess we'll see with Tomb Raider), Armaggedon (horrendous), Enemy of the State (surprisingly decent!), and then the trifecta of summer shit that he produced last year with Gone in Sixy Seconds (mediocre), Coyote Ugly (ugly..movie), and Remember the Titans (I forgot them). Point is, Bruckheimer is going down the shitter, and he is dragging down Bay, who is actually an amazingly talented but extremely misguided filmmaker, right down with him.
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That was an excellent Review from Hallenbeck. Who the hell is this guy?! Anyways, I was about to watch PH like a good little sheep til THIS review brought me back to my senses. IGNORE THE HYPE, DAMN IT! DON'T GIVE INTO DISNEY'S PUBLICITY MACHINE! DO SOMETHING MORE WORTHWHILE WITH YOUR TIME AND MONEY!
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Strange experience watching Pearl Harbor (I don't feel right calling it Pearl harbor cause I don't think it earns the name). Anyhow, I never cared much about the 3 main characters and thought the love story was weak and oversimplified. Everything in this movie looks too perfect and feels forced. This probably detracted from my becoming involved in it along with the fact that there really wasn't a whole lot going on. The attack was somewhat disturbing mainly due to ILM's excellent work. The Romance really feels thrown into this movie like they just needed a love story to bookend an attack on Pearl Harbor. Considering this movie is 3 hours long I don't feel I got much out of it. Luckily I got in for free so it only cost me 3 hours of my life. I have seen worse movies but something about this movie disturbs me. I think it is that Hollywood is going to make lots and lots of money on this tragic event and unlike another movie from a few years ago this movie doesn't have it's heart in the right place.
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Don't know who Michael Bay is, nor do they care. Outside of our film obsessive world, he is hardly a brand-name. People just want to be entertained for a few hours.
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May 25, 2001, 12:12 a.m. CST
I'd pay $9 to lick Rosie O'Donnell's inner thighs any day!
by Junior D-Girl
She's extremely tasty boys and juicy too. As for this Hallenbeck ugly fatso LOSER, get a life you creep. If that's really your picture I pity you. Get your act together, lose some weight, get a job and grow up for God's sake. Harry you can stay fat because you're funny and jolly like Santa Claus. But Joe you gotta go. Now I will follow the above link to read about your alleged crimes against Disney. Ciao for now kids. PS, I plan on seeing this movie Friday night with my sister d-girls, and yeah we know it's shmaltzy crap but we think Kate's hot. :)
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May 25, 2001, 12:47 a.m. CST
CHARLES GRADY, AND DON'T FORGET TO PICK UP "ALICIA KEYS " ALBUM
by The Founder
I agree that complaining about spending money on a movie is petty. I go to the movies alot and most of the times I'm pleased with the movie. I actually have a good nose that can smell sh*t coming to a theater near you. I'm usually never wrong about a film after seeing the trailer, but I ain't perfect because I've been suckered a few times, with the worst being "Lost in Space" and "Species( boy I didn't smell those two coming, New Line and MGM must have sprayed those trailers with perfume)call me petty on these two, cause I was pissed on the money I lost(i was also younger and in college and had less money, so that may be more of the reason). Since I earn a good living now I will be seeing PH, and if I don't like it i'm still confident that the FX and battle sequences will be worth it as well as the LOTR trailer(with my luck it won't show in the showing I pick)so it won't be the end of the world if it's as bad as some of the reviews say. DON'T FORGET! PICK UP "ALICIA KEYS" ALBUM ON JUNE 12TH!!
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May 25, 2001, 12:54 a.m. CST
Can Someone Please Email Me Or Post Here Why ARMAGEDDON Was So
by The Founder
I'm sorry guys, but I liked Armageddon. Sure it had some plot holes, but was it really as bad as you all say.Everytime theirs some big debate or we discuss B&B everyone comes down on this movie like a ton of bricks falling on a baby. Anyway someone explain the awfulness of this film to me bt posting here or e-mailing me at www.rokkkrin@aol.com Thank You.
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Fortunately, three other movies are opening this weekend and one movie has a great story for people of all ages. If you live in Los Angeles or New York City, you can go see a film called "The Road Home" starring Zhang Ziyi (Jen in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"). "The Road Home" has a MPAA rating of "G" so the whole family can enjoy the movie. If you are lucky enough to have a local theater showing "The Road Home," I recommend you go see this beautifully filmed love story and skip the "Pearl Harbor" hype. Here's hoping Sony will release "The Road Home" nationwide.
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The movie was a collection of footage assembled to resemble a real film. On top of that it assumed the viewer hadn't seen any movies before! This picture is insulting on many levels. Blech.
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I enjoyed this piece of writing. It was entertaining in a bitchy film student kind of way. Thanks for posting this bit of splendid grumpiness to brighten my morning. I spent yesterday morning in the hospital with a stress induced panic attack...had I seen this first I might have saved the trip. Again, Thank you for being entertaining.
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The review in one of Toronto's paper's hit it right on why not to see this movie. Japanese attack Pearl Harbor and we are subjected to scenes of humanity - pain, struggle, death, heroism - but when the Americans retaliate - it is shot form the sky without a seeing a single Japanese casualty. Hypocrisy has never looked so good!!
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I need to know if the LOTR trailer will be on this garbage. If you know, feel free to drop me a line. By the way, if anyone is interested in a bunch of reviews for PH, go to drudgereport.com ......this is how I personally discovered AICN and the wonderful world of Harry. Anyways, drudge has links to several reviews from major reviewers. (Ebert, AP, NY Times, NY POST, Variety, etc.) Not one, I repeat, not one of the reviews was anywhere near positive. This thing is getting panned. It is the next Battlefield Earth and will definitely win a razzy award or whatever the award is that proclaims the year's worst.
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When Mad Mel Gibson was hacking people up just cause they were Britsh which made them evil or the fact it has Brits burning people in Church's or ignores the Slavery issue which since Gibsons charachter in real life was die hard SLaver is silly. NOPE ALL we got was the usual bollocks of its just a Movie do not take it to hart same goes for U571. Yet cause its an American film about American deaths its different what a bunch of hypocritical BULLSHIT
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I'm so excited and turned on by her sensuous writing that I think I will support Disney's shallow profiting off a historic tragedy in the hopes that junior d-girl and her sister d-girls will be there. They sound like hot little bisexual chicks and maybe if I sit really near them and look cool I can get into some funky me and a bunch of chicks orgy thing.
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He's the marketing director (if that's possible) of Warner Bros. Here's what he had to say about Harry in 1997: "Now anybody with a computer is a newspaper," Warner Bros. marketing chief Chris Pula told Variety. "One guy on the Internet could start enough of a stir that causes a reactionary shift in whole marketing program ... It's not fair that someone should review a screening that is not anything but the finished print."
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"Its a movie made by shameless hacks with too much money and way too much self-esteem" -Joanna Connors, Film Critic, CLEVELAND PLAIN DEALER
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The new TOOL album debuted at #1, selling an estimated 555,000 copies! Good for you gringos!!
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WOW, COME DOWN OFF THE HIGH HORSE BUDDY!!! I'VE READ THE REVIEWS FOR THIS FLICK BUT I THINK I'LL GO SPEND MY OWN MONEY AND FORM MY OWN OPINION! THANKS THOUGH FOR THE BRUTAL, TOUGH GUY, SARCASM!!!!!! AND ONCE AGAIN ANOTHER CHUMP WHO HAS TO TAKE A SHOT AT STAR WARS EPISODE 1!!! GOD FOR SUCH A SHITTY MOVIE, IT KEEPS YOU DUMB ASSHOLES TALKING FOR , WHAT, OH, ALMOST 2 YEARS NOW! JERKOFFS! NOTHING AGAINST CHARLIE CHAPLIN, BUT COME ON DONT BE ONE OF THOSE ASSHOLES WHO'S AGAINST EVERYTHING MADE TODAY!!! SUCH BITTERNESS!
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Most film freaks could figure out the twist ending of the movie if they ever watched a good Twilight Zone or even read Weird War Tales comic books growing up. Not that it wasn't a noble attempt to return to the genre, but it wasn't a mindblowing original either. (And X-Men, in my opinion, although a fun ass movie, was still too damn short).
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In a pre-Japanese stike scene where a squadron of Zeros are flying over an amber wheat field filled with baby-carriages, if you look real hard you can see an image of Mickey Mouse himself formed in the clouds, ears and all! Its true I tell you!
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you shouldnt be such a bitter bastard! come down off the high horse!!!!!!! and really the bashing of episode 1, get over it, if its such a bad movie, how come you clowns are still talking about it!! a bunch of twats witha load in your pants, thats what you fags sound like, go watch your charlie chaplin movies dick, have fun! let the rest of us form our own opinion! and really all your slang, ex:'wood! get over yourself you fuck!
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Anabel Chong....hehehehe that singaporean slut! Rancid skanks aside, this review/sounding off is spot on. Affleck is attractive however and i find myself questioning my sexuality.
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to pay for AICN to come hang out on the set and get some free goofy hats. They should know better. pJ
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After reading a great many reviews (one and a half stars from Ebert
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Good call. I think I'll lay my 6 bucks down for something else & sneak into Pearl Harbor until I get too annoyed to stay. Why can't some of you pompous asses take a pill. Take Hallenbeck's tirade for what it's worth. He didn't see it, he's complaining about the reputation that they've made for themselves, and for all intents, what a steaming pile of feces this movie would inevitably become. If it were any good, he'd look ridiculous by now, but I haven't seen hardly ANYONE actually praise it. I don't watch/not watch films solely based on someone else's opinion. But I have sat through enough slop from these guys that I've made up my own mind about them. Even the one film I generally liked, The Rock, had so much silly dialogue I couldn't sit still. "Ya like Elton John? Well it's you! You're the rocket man!" Bwahahah! Bay/Bruckheimer should stick to fluffy simple-minded action like Con Air and Armageddon. At least we know what to expect from them by now... Oh and ComicArtist, last I checked the Marlins are ahead of the Mets in the standings, so keep dreamin'....
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As much as I expect Pearl Harbor to suck, I leave it at that... for the very reason that I EXPECT it to suck. I do not KNOW that it will suck... because knowledge is imparted through experience (i.e. phenomena that is acknowledged by the mind via our physical senses). Otherwise, you're speculating. Such as the gentleman above. He knows ZILCH about pearl harbor until he sees it. His lack of judgement and temperence is disturbing, and I'm surprised Harry put the article up in the first place.
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May 25, 2001, 12:38 p.m. CST
You go, Joe! I agree with thee, 110%!!!! People if you have a
by Smugbug
Rent stacks of DVD, videos this weekend instead, catch up on some reading - or even as Mister Hallenbeck has said, go see Memento, Shrek - two very good movies. Let's encourage H-town to make more of these movies, and less of Pearl Harbor. I know I'm going to watch my copy of The Rock tonight. That's the type of movie Mr. Bay should stick to - that's all he's capable of.....
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May 25, 2001, 12:55 p.m. CST
BTW: I'm watching my Flash Gordon DVD AGAIN tonight - at least
by Smugbug
making people think that it's a dramatic portrayal of US war history. Yeah, right. And Don Simpson never did blow......
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Back when I read Hallenbeck's review of Episode I, I wondered to myself how Harry could allow such a bitter, brainless, crude, and utterly embarassing pile of shit article on his site. I figured either A) He's a really good friend of Harry's or B) He gives AMAZING head. Then it hit me: Hallenbeck is the ultimate representation of every bitter, life-hating asshole who posts in these talkbacks. He speaks for every degenerate who, being pissed off at his shitty workday at Taco Bell and getting banned for soliciting child porn on the EverQuest servers AGAIN, decides to take his frustrations out on every new movie made (especially anything involving Lucasfilm), in defense of a "golden age of cinema" that barely existed in the first place. And maybe he does it a little TOO well, which is why I suspect he may be just a fictional alter ego of Harry's after all. Anyways, shit like this is the reason I hardly read these talkbacks any more. The notion that I should actually respect the opinion of the crowd who praised that piece of shit RUSHMORE as a "smart, charming, hilarious gem of a film" makes me laugh.
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I must say that there's little to question in this review. It's an interesting notion, this "don't feed the trash-vomiting beast", but many if not most of us will eventually see your dreaded flick, like it or not. When I heard who wrote the screenplay, I began to smell a rat, and Disney's better at making movies about "lonesome cougars" and eerily animated Volkswagens than addressing history, but you take the things as they come. I *do* wonder, though...first, in the statement "You
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May 25, 2001, 7:37 p.m. CST
To The Founder: "Armageddon" was a bad movie because of one spe
by LlGHTST0RMER
...the part immediately following the "Bruckheimer Films" logo and up to the film's closing credits. If there's a bright center to the universe of cinema, that is the film that it's farthest from.
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I find it disturbing that all the film tag lines refer to a "new era", "America's finest hour". (You even see posters with the caption VICTORY at the top). Indeed, the "sneak attack" of Pearl Harbour (What? Did the White House expect a phone call & friendly chit-chat in the morning?) led to a major event that changed the human experience forever. Like Insane Tiki rightly pointed out, the retaliation to this "act of infamy" was the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Maybe the US phoned in just before, so introducing the world to the Nuclear Holocaust is not as infamous as the Pearl Harbour attack... Anyway, I wonder if someday a stupid love triangle plot involving pretty, fake people will be tacked on a film called "Hiroshima".
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Except the Asians drpped the bomb on the states and everyone squealed in righteous indignation. It was called Independance Day, in which a locust race of slant-eyed aliens who devour resources are beaten by a wise cracking african american and a quirky New York Jew, throw in a WASP president and his and a fat likeable gay for comic relief and there you have it, american in a nutshell and not one asian in sight. Everybody knows that the Chinese are this huge threat to 'our way of life' and environmental disasters (Kyoto summit aside) and the Japs are stonefaced corporate robots with weird obtuse manners. We're obviously completely incompatible. lets blow up their spaceship and cheer.
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..Titanic? Titanic had two characters you cared about...can you care for the Pearl Harbor characters?
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How can you unabashedly pump out these blatant Disney press releases and pawn them off as your own opinion. You're all a bunch of sell-outs. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm clicking over to Film Threat, where integrity is not a bad word.
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This was one funny ass guy.
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You want to run down AICN, why don't you do it on the Film Threat site? Oh. I know why... Cause nobody ever reads it. I read that article in Hallenbeck. Don't hate the player, hate the game. Harry carved out his niche, and the other fanboy geeks are crying to mommy. Deal with it. That emotion you have is not a rush of integrity, it's jealousy. Chris Gore makes himself look petty and bitter whenever he posts AICN hater shit on his site. I would tell him to try and get his own TV deal instead of hating on Harry's, but he already did, and it went bust. Karma, motherfucker. Karma.
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Joe is so obviously not a plant, as he ripped Mickey a new ass, that I thought I might point out Film Threat's flawed argument that AICN has evolved into a Studio schill site.
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...I live in London sometimes. At least I get a warning about the movies before they get here. When I lived in the LA area one might as well not bother going to the movies for all the promo crap you'd get piled on whenever you did! I put forth that there should be two prices one pays for going to the theater: the higher price for the film WITHOUT 20 minutes of blaring trailers, and the lower price WITH. This way you could choose whether you want your intelligence marginally insulted, or criminally so. It's not a surprise even with the fore-warning about Pearl Harbor that: 1. It's "Titanic", but with "lots of sinking ships" (as Ben put it) and an even lamer love story slapped on top of it; 2. The Japanese role is soft-pedaled as much as possible without people throwing eggs at the screen in revolted outrage; 3. It should have been a mini-series for TV with surround sound for all the substance involved; 4. Disney should go back to being serious about making films for children and cartoons, and stop trying to do a complete Jack Boot March over the rest of the industry, as if it's the only way to remain in the biz. Give me Tora! Tora! Tora! any day.
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OKay? Lemme tell you what, this movie was not the greatest movie ever made. But: IT DID NOT SUCK NEARLY REMOTELY AS BAD AS YOU FUCKING SPOILED ROTTEN JERK-OFFS ARE SAYING. You people that write such vitriol about this film have ZERO respect and you need to grow the FUCK up. You would think from these damn critics that this was the biggest disaster since Waterworld, but I will tell you that this movie, though not a Saving Private Ryan by any means, is still a decent flick. I hope it makes $600 million just to spite you bitches that have no clue about what a film such as this would mean to the veterans and their families of this war. You bastards that rip this thing apart make me want to vomit. Hell, you give vomit a bad name. If you don't like it then fine, but don't shit all over the memory of those that died that day. It is their blood that let's your spoiled asses sit and bitch at your computers, cowards. So those that have not seen it, I urge you to go and see some of the great moments in our history as portrayed by such great performances as was given by Cuba Gooding, Jr. This is about the triumph of the American spirit. Too bad these Marxist maggots out there hate the human spirit. Damn bitches.
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I read a bunch of reviews, not to mention watching that dumbass movie critic on CNN trash this movie, most of the reviews were terrible but i still wanted to see this movie. so i went expecting the worst and guess what, i found myself really enjoying this film, it reminded me of those old 40's and 50's war movies.The diolouge was kind of corny, but i really liked the characters and the story. and of course the attack scene was awesome. I think there must of been some sort of conspiricy among the critics to trash this movie, ITS A GREAT MOVIE!
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Glad your back...........
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Well, from the reviews I have been reading about this movie, it doesn't seem worth watching. But I have another reason. My Grandfather died at Pearl Harbor. Yes, his remains are at the bottom somewhere. And I find this slick, flag waving, comic book violence, explosion ridden film disgusting. This was a real event, where real men died a terrible, meaningless death. I guess this comes from a generation whose closest experience to war is watching video game bombs fly into Iraqi airvents.(yes, I am a member of this generation). But I shudder when I think of Ben Affleck, or Cuba whatever are portraying the every man. Portraying the men dead at the bottom of that bay. I do like the WW2 films, and think there are very good ones. But this movie seems more about making good explosions with a historic signifigence. Tact seems to be in short supply these days. It seems the humanity is slowly drifting away from these movies about ww2. I think the previous generations did a much better job, mainly b/c they were all touched by it somehow. But hey what does that matter in the face of profits. I am sure that all those men fired their guns defiatly at those sneaky Japs, yelled and screamed mightely. Pounded their chests and squared their shoulders. I am sure they didn't shit themselves as their friends were blown apart next to them. Or start to cry when they realized that they were going to die violently at 18. Or even sitting at the bottom of the bay in a sunken ship, trapped, pounding, clawing at the hull, praying that they wont die in that metal coffin. Thanks, MR. Bruckheimer, and Bay, and Affleck, and Gooding, and all you others. My Grandpa would appreciate your accurate portrayal of the day that will live in infamy.
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