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VERN Reviews CRUEL INTENTIONS 2!!

Published at: Feb. 19, 2001, 2:25 a.m. CST

Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

Vern watches this stuff so you don't have to. Remember that.

CI2 by Vern, king of straight to video garbage

So here's the deal friends. The year: 1782. The land: France. An author burdened with the handle Pierre Ambroise Francois Choderlos de Laclos puts the feather to the pulp, or whatever they did back then and over there, and he comes up with a decadent little novel by the name a Les Liaisons Dangereuses. Or Dangerous Liasions, for americans. The novel is about this manipulative gal and the sexual games she plays with this fella Valmont. I'm going to call this gal Catherine Murneaux for the purposes of this piece because that's what they call her in the movies. Not sure about the novel I'm still catching up on some of the Donald Goines and Iceberg Slim books, working my way towards the pre-French revolution works and what not.

Anyway the years go by and what do you know all the sudden Mr. Ambroise Francois Choderlos de Laclos's story is adapted into plays and motion pictures such as Dangerous Liasions (the Michelle Pfeiffer/John Malkovich version) and Valmont (the Milos Forman version) and of course it is updated in the 1960 Jeanne Moreau version from the great international lover/director Mr. Roger Vadim (himself a great Writer having penned _Bardot Deneuve Fonda: My Life with the Three Most Beautiful Women in the World_). Vadim was so hip he got Thelonious Monk and Art Blakey to score the piece.

Finally, in 1999, a new Roger - this time Roger Kumble - decided to adapt the story for the teen type audience. he called his Cruel Inventions (later retitled Cruel Intentions for scientific purposes) and approached it as sort of a teen Dynasty, dripping with innuendo and sleaze, but lacking the graphic excess (i.e. blood and tits) of earlier pictures such as Wild Things and, well, mainly Wild Things.

I gotta admit boys, I enjoyed this first Cruel Intentions picture as camp. Alot of folks don't appreciate the camp these days I know but now that Charlie's Angels hit the big time maybe the tides is changin. ANyway I liked watching these little prep school pricks loungin around the mansion with the parents out of town, talking big and sipping champagne and seducing people ruthlessly. I mean "kissing lessons" in the park - who doesn't appreciate this type of picture, and why? There are many good touches such as when Sarah Gellar snorts cocaine out of her Catholic school girl crucifix, and when that little fucker playing Valmont gets nailed by a car during some kind of weird 90's roadside duel.

Now the reason I'm boring you with all this needless background is because 1) to explain why I was excited to hear ROger Kumble was making a Cruel Intentions tv show called Manchester Prep and 2) the backspace on my keyboard is broken so it's a little fucking late to be rethinking my intro. sorry folks.l..

ANyway point is this. No matter what talents he displayed on the first CI picture, this man is not a psychic. And now way could he have predicted that the fox network, home of many fine police chase and animal mauling tv specials, would not want to see a scene where a young girl learns how to ride a horse until she orgasms. I mean what else would you put into a show on fox anyway, if not a young girl riding a horse until she orgasms. that is the whole point of the fox network in my opinion. not to get on the soapbox or anything, but jesus.

Point is, he didn't see it coming. And not even Mssr. Ambroise Francois etc. etc. could have known that his tale would be adapted into a teen sexploitation picture which would in turn be adapted into a tv series which itself would be cancelled and re-edited and altered into a straight to video sequel called Cruel Intentions 2 (or CI2 as I call it for short.)

So all that said, and for christ's sake I hope you folks didn't bother reading that mess, CI2 is not so much a sequel as a tv movie remake. There's some nudity and fuck words tossed in there for the sake of Cinematic legitimacy - more than in the actual movie, come to think of it - but it's missing the bite and the sense of humor Roger K. came up with the first time around.

One major problem is this fuckwad playign Valmont. You see for the sake of television they've gone and tried to make you LIKE him! I liked in the movie how Valmont was an iredeemable prick, and whiny, annoying priss. So much so that even when he's redeemd, you still hate the fucker. I mean I thought that was sorta what the movie was about. Not having some Casanove Ferris Bueller for you to look up to.

And then what they did, they gave him a working class background, so he's a newcomer. He's the audience's surrogate as well as a fish out of water and etc. And then they gave him parents! So you've lost this whole artificial world of the movie where stuck up rich kids sit around in mansions making evil plans and dry sex and talking all clever to each other.

The rest of the casting isn't too bad. The Catherine is no Sarah Gellar but you could get used to her, I guess.

They also lost something in trying to turn this thing into a movie - it just don't make sense. Valmont's girl is supposed to be the virginal Reese Witherspoon character. She's never even been kissed before and she's still making plans for that moment to be special and perfect. Then all the sudden there's a scene where she tries to give Valmont a blowjob in the park and he doesn't even question it. So the audience is left in a state of "huh!?" until the twist ending which I won't give away except to say that it turns out she and Catherine are lovers and playing a trick on Valmont and Noel from Felicity is the killer in Scream 3.

Now I guess this really doesn't qualify as much of a consumer warning because, I mean, it's Cruel Intentions 2 fer fucks sake. But if there's anyone else out there thinking ha ha, that first one was funny, I might get some chuckles out of this one - well forget about that right now. This is just mediocre tv with a nude scene. strictly for the kids.

sorry boys.

Vern

Then fuck you jack: the life + Art of Vern

"Moriarty" out.

P.S.: If you're so inclined, pre-order this title from our good friends at DVD Planet and save 30%! (Click here.)

Readers Talkback

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  • Feb. 19, 2001, 3:35 a.m. CST

    Great Job Vern!

    by DropKickMurphy

    Hah, Vern says it all perfectly, i watched this thing two weeks ago on cinemax or something...i wasn't down with Sebastian being all goody goody, as a matter of fact it made me throw my box of Junior Mints against the screen...but that chick riding the horse was a nice touch so were the naked twins (were they twins? I only remember boobies). The last 10 minutes were decent though...but yeah the rest of it was absolute drivel...thanks to Vern for pointing it out to all of us. And please let Vern's spoilers be, it was funny....no spoiler warnings i say!

  • Feb. 19, 2001, 5:20 a.m. CST

    "Kathryn...the only thing you're gonna be riding is me..."

    by XTheCrovvX

    As much as it shames me(ok, not so much shames as it might shame others) to know that i enjoyed Cruel Intentions, well, sorry, i did....i don't despise Ryan Phillipe(ok, maybe for Antitrust, and for typing down Reese Witherspoon before i could get myself a proper crush on her, but thats beside the point).....i couldn't watch Buffy in the same way for a month after seeing SMG in this flick in the same way that i couldn't watch it after seeing Alyson Hannigan in American Pie.....and myself being one of the people that saw Dangerous Liaisons a few days later, im probably gonna be crucified for saying this, but the ending was better in CI....in DL, all you had was Glen Close's pruneface crying cause everybody doesn't like her....boo-fucking-hoo-hoo....CI...(SPOILER!) Cecile and Annette NAIL Kathryn to the fucking wall by publishing Sebastian's diary,and distribute it to everyone DURING HIS FUNERAL SERVICE no less!! Perfect revenge!(END SPOILER!)...that was just plain cool...so, to make a long TB short(too late, i know), when Fox announced they were gonna make a series, i was halfway excited...until they released it straight to video...then i knew...something rots in the state of blockbuster....and after reading Vern's surpringly good and straightforward review, i know why....they changed everything that made the movie a decent experience....and thats never a good move when making a sequel or tv show based on something else....BUT i will make a suggestion to some people....if you look around on the net, you can find the original screenplay for CI somewhere....trust me, the script was raunchier(and yes, better) than the movie we saw in theaters...worth checking out...if for nothing else the COMPLETED "I went to great lengths to please Court" line...Revolution is my name.....

  • Feb. 19, 2001, 6:55 a.m. CST

    Cruel Intentions DVD.

    by Vincent D.

    Okay, I just wanted to say, Cruel Intentions is definitly one of the films that has really benifited from being released on DVD. Everything from the Commentary track where everyone gets drunk and start talking like gossipy high schoolers to the deleted scenes where they put the film's edge after dulling it for the public. I'll probably rent this, if only for a good teensploitation evening. Honestly, though, I'm kind of glad this project just ended up in a straight-to-video instead of a series, because it would have ended up making the first film into a big joke...

  • Feb. 19, 2001, 7:09 a.m. CST

    Horse riding...

    by Jack Lazarus

    "I mean what else would you put into a show on fox anyway, if not a young girl riding a horse until she orgasms." -- Amen, brother...

  • Feb. 19, 2001, 7:35 a.m. CST

    Vern, you should review for AICN more often...

    by Penny Dreadful

    Thoroughly enjoyed myself, man.

  • Feb. 19, 2001, 8:33 a.m. CST

    embarassed to say...

    by silinx

    ... that my girlfriend and I caught this film two nights ago. And I'm more embarassed to admit that we both followed the plot closely enough that we realized that CI2 was supposed to be a Prequel of sorts. Sad sad sad...

  • Feb. 19, 2001, 9:26 a.m. CST

    "Fox turned into a hardcore porn channel so gradually I didn't r

    by Seepgood

  • Feb. 19, 2001, 9:29 a.m. CST

    "You can put it...anywhere"

    by RobinP

    Hearing Sarah Michelle Gellar whisper that just made my whole fucking week when I first saw the movie. Vern, dude, good review..thanks for the warning. .

  • Feb. 19, 2001, 10:14 a.m. CST

    If this is what it takes...

    by Rybock

    ...to get posted on this site, look for my review of Scream. This movie has been on Cinemax for a solid month now. Where have the scoops gone? Buffy/Angel/ER "scoops" are, at best, an our or two before air. What behind-the-scenes scoops there are are few, and pretty weak at that. I get the feeling the studios now know how to a) cut off info they want to keep and b) leak info when it will help them. This site needs to get new life, and revamp itself. It's been on autopilot way too long.

  • Feb. 19, 2001, 12:58 p.m. CST

    Fucking BLASPHEMY, sayeth I!!!!

    by iloveryan

    Sweet Goddess of the Moon have mercy! CRUEL INTENTIONS 2?! Regardless of whether it's a sequel or a prequel, CI1 is the kind of movie that was meant to stand by itself. Anything that some entertainment industry hack would add to it can and must be ignored as somebody's bad fucking idea instead of anything previous or further that happened in the story-line world of CI1. And there's no way in Hell that it could ever be the same without Ryan Phillippe and Sarah Michelle Gellar. I can't fucking believe somebody actually gets paid to come up with these bullshit ideas! And since the Anti-Trust talk-back was consigned to the archives before I could even see the movie, let me just say that while Anti-Trust was by no means anything special, it was a decent, fairly entertaining movie. The only reason I can imagine for someone hating it is that the anti-corporation theme of the movie offended their conservative political sensibilities. But even then, I would hope that people who frequent this sight (as much as I know I hope in vain) would realize that no big institution, be it governmental or corporate, should ever be entirely trusted.

  • Feb. 19, 2001, 6:11 p.m. CST

    Oh, for fuck's sake,...

    by iloveryan

    ....I only used "fuck" three fucking times, so give me a fucking break, and don't fucking call me Drew!

  • Feb. 19, 2001, 10:15 p.m. CST

    "In english, I'll fuck your brains out"

    by Twig

    From that line on I loved CI. Boohoo if it had a young cast, it was a great, great fun movie. And I saw CI2 a few weeks back and thought it was way inferior, but also kinda fun. And I liked the ending, and the Reese-substitute was gorgeous!

  • Feb. 20, 2001, 12:57 a.m. CST

    "So all that said, and for christ's sake I hope you folks didn't

    by Mr_Intimidation

    Shit, fucker, why didn't you tell us THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE! It's kinda late to NOT be readin' that shit when you decide to point it out that you're FULL OF SHIT for the first 2 pages or so. Fuck, go learn how to write a review from Alex Dupont or something, shitface.

  • Feb. 20, 2001, 1:51 p.m. CST

    Vintage stuff, Vern

    by Kieran

    The funniest, driest review I've read on this site in a while. I'm going to have to see this thing now, just so I can hate it as much as I'm now sure it deserves.

  • Feb. 21, 2001, 9:16 a.m. CST

    "So, how's your gold-digging whore of a mother enjoying Bali?"

    by castaway

    The first Cruel Intentions--good The idea of a sequel---bad The fact that a sequel got made anyway based on a television show that copied the original movie in the first place and was canceled by a seemingly corrupt (I don't quite mean that in a bad way...but then i look at temptation island and what kind of a sick ass, mother-fucking, supposedly downtrodden whore wants to marry an abusive comedian with barely anything in the bank)network that runs stupid yet fun pre-produced hack work bullshit in the first place that should have been running this shit anyway just to get ratings, unsettle people, pull in no brow audiences and teens, and piss parental units off and everyone else in-between---the sickest piece of garbage on our veritably, shit-faced corporate-run entertainment, no good idea in the world, culture. Even trying to write a list of some of the entertainment world's biggest jokes with this film included is painful (AND I MEAN TOO FUCKING NAIL IN THE WRIST, ROMAN CANDLE UP THE ASS PAINFUL)to write about and put into words. It's like a video review i read about the Amanda Peet film Whipped. It kept it short and sweet like i am not. All it said was Don't. and ended with the grade the reviewer gave it (F of course. To all you talkbackers, i apologize for this ungrammatical (is that a word? to think i wanted to become a writer) and hard-to-read sentiment but this sucks, i mean WHAT THE FUCK DUDE? I'll rent this just so i can jag off to the nude scene and pray someone has stuck a roman candle up the ass of whomever even mentioned this as a great (even mediocre is to good a word for this piece of shit) idea in the first place. regale this to the shit-sequel section of your video store along with any more from dusk till dawn sequels. That is my four cents.....

  • Feb. 21, 2001, 10:46 a.m. CST

    Goddammit, Moriarty, do we honestly need to scroll through a who

    by happywaffle

    Then again the "won't give away the ending except to say..." thing made me laugh.

  • Feb. 22, 2001, 11:20 a.m. CST

    Prequel!?!?!

    by Sorak

    Ok maybe it was just me but torwards the end didnt it seem to be more of a Prequel then an actual Sequel? I mean he gets the camera, starts getting the arrogant attitude, and recieves the infamous leather journal(from CI1) at the end while in the limo. Plus the whole idea of the movie was he was just starting school at Manchester. Where as in CI1 he was already an established student. Yes I admit it I watched it and got turned on by the twins in the shower. hehehe The Wanderer

  • Feb. 23, 2001, 6:30 a.m. CST

    Little girls learning to ride horses...

    by Kikstad

    I confess the "horse-riding girl getting an orgasm" turned me on -- but then I started feeling all guilty because, even though the cute actress is twenty years old, she looks really young and she's supposed to be a high school freshman so that would make her character, what, fourteen years old, tops? Disturbing. But it still made me hot. Damn. Check out my review of CI2 on Amazon.com. Peace out.

  • Dec. 4, 2011, 7:36 p.m. CST

    ah blissful pre-9/11 America...

    by The_Crimson_King

    how I miss you