Big Eyes here,
I tried writing some cute stories to forward these articles that implied that Hedgehog was some kind of weird stalker/entity that has been shoving these writings at AICN in the weirdest of ways. Y'all are either thick or have no sense of humor. This is GOTT.DANG.SATIRE. Furthermore, you guys should never take what he says in the Talkbacks seriously. From what I hear he lives in a shack in BRITISH Columbia. And that shack is lined with jars that hold things like snake testicles and blinkerfluid, which I hear is a great combination for moonshine.
Now put on your big boy pants and just enjoy Hedgehog's Corner. This time he is taking on TOM HANKS.
“You want Tom Cruise? You can’t handle Tom Cruise”
But here’s a Tom that you CAN handle - it’s TOM HANKS!
Yes, Mr Tom Hanks is officially the nicest guy in Hollywood. He never does anything nasty. He would never kick a cat, invade another country or call someone a dumbass. Most of all he would never write any horrible internet comments that said something nasty about a lovely Hedgehog who had just spent days carefully crafting an intelligent and witty article about him. Please learn from Tom you dumbasses, thanks! (Get it? I said “Thanks” which is just like “T. Hanks” – ha-ha I am super clever wordplay genius, please try to keep up)
Anyway Tom has been in some brilliant films which I will now try to remember and tell you about.
In his first ever Hollywood film Tom made a big splash and it was called SPLASH and then Tom made a film called BIG and it was a BIG success. (Editor’s Note – well done, good jokes there). Then he joined the CAST of the film CASTAWAY that was filmed on a tropical island that is very far AWAY. Then he was in POLLO 13 which was about some unlucky chickens (hope you know some basic Italian or this joke won’t work, please try to keep up) and finally he was in that one about rescuing the monkey that wrote “Summer of 69” from a zoo called SAVING PRIMATE BRYAN. No, not really, I’m joking (can you tell?) it was really called SAVING PRIVATE RYAN and it was about D-Day which happened literally hundreds of years ago in 1944 and it was brilliant. In fact it was so successful that Tom insisted on being in the sequel which was called SAVING MR BANKS which was not nearly as good as it had much more Mary Poppins and much less Omaha Beach. The only good bit was when Mary was trying to roast some chestnuts on an open fire and someone wanted to shoot some video of themselves spoiling the fun by putting out the fire so Mary said “Don’t shoot – let them burn” probably because she really likes well roasted chestnuts (and the bit where she dies after getting shot in the liver, but that’s only in the director’s cut I think)
In Castaway Tom works for an evil parcel delivery company but I can’t tell you which one or FEDEX will sue. Anyway one day he is in danger of actually delivering something on time so instead he crashes his plane on an island and has to live there on his own for ages. It’s so hard to survive and he knows he will soon be dead and lonely in that order. But then he makes friends with a beach ball that he spots in a large pool of water. He has to head into the pool to get the ball but it isn’t too deep so the water only comes up to his knees so he calls it WADE Wilson (and also because it looks like Ryan Gosling probably).
But now I’ve run out of Tom Hanks films. Let me just check Wikipedia.
It says he was in a James Bond spy film called BRIDGE OF SPIES which I’ve never heard of but I bet it was very good. A thrilling film like this “can deliver” lots of excitement and a famous type of bridge is called “cantilever” (thanks Wikipedia again) so there must be some sort of clever wordplay joke there but I’ve just spent 10 minutes trying to come up with one and have decided to give up. Just thought you’d like to know, wouldn’t want my time to be wasted. Anyway I think the theme song for BRIDGE OF SPIES was going to be written by U2 but the (Gary) powers that be bailed and the idea was shot down in flames. (Get it?) The film seems to ends with Tom playing chess in Berlin and losing on points against “Checkmate” Charlie. Sounds a bit boring – avoid.
It also says he was in something called FOREST GRUMP. Crazy name – crazy film! I guess this one is about a lot of grumpy trees. Why would anyone want to watch that? Instead you could be lounging on a BEECH. SAPing on a PINE colada. With SPRUCE Willis and supermodel ELMacPherson and, errr, LARCH from the Addams Family (Editor’s Note: Bit weak that one, doesn’t really work) Are you BARKing mad? What do you take me FIR? Ha-ha these are good j-OAK-s! Can I come up with another one? Wait and TREE! On second thought maybe I’ll LEAF it for now. If you want more tree jokes feel free to assemble them using these leftovers - ACORN ROOT BRANCHES. Come on, you can do it, I’m ROOTing for you. (There’s one for free) Thanks!
Oh yes, of course, Tom was most famous of all for being WOODY in TOY STORY and TOY STORY 2 and TOY STORY 3 and unfortunately the forthcoming unwanted AVATAR sequel of PIXAR – TOY STORY 4. Woody is called woody because he is made of wood which comes from trees (Editor’s Note: don’t start on trees again!)
Woody’s best friend BUZZ LIGHTYEAR is named after astronaut BUZZ ALDRIN who went to the moon in 1969. Some people say that man never went to the moon, but then some people say that vaccines cause global warming so who are you going to believe? Elvis is alive – FACT! If the climate isn’t changing then why do we still have weather forecasts - FACT! There’s no way that burning jet fuel can power an airplane – FACT! Wake up sheeple!
Tom’s worst film was called POLAR EXPRESS and it was the first film that was ever made totally by a computer. They put Tom in one end and the film came out the other. All of the characters in it looked so lifelike, it was UNCANNY! And the computers that did it had all come from SILICON VALLEY. Of course this is where the phrase “uncanny silicon” comes from and if you’ve seen something that has too much silicon in it then you know what I mean, and if you don’t then you oughta (or should that be HORTA – hi Star Trek nerds!)
Recently Tom played a pilot in the Sherlock Holmes spinoff “Miracle of Mrs Hudson”. Tom was called Sully and therefore had to wear a big blue furry costume and that’s why he lost control of the plane and crashed it into a poor innocent river. What a monster. Good thing the plane didn’t sink. Sully. Monster. Sink. Get it? (Sorry this isn’t up to my usual standard, it can’t all be gold)
Well, I hope we have all learned lots about Tom Hanks. He once said life is like a box of chocolates – because you buy it in a shop and it melts if you put it in the sun for too long – wise words to live by Tom! Anyway he is a Hollywood legend and long may his reign of niceness continue. Hopefully you are also a nice person and have enjoyed reading this, but if you didn’t then never mind – comedy is subjective and you have been subjected to it!
Love and T.hanks,