(Oh, how I wish I could do this as an infomercial, complete with black-and-white segments showing privileged white people gasping at their televisions! You know what? I may still. In the meantime, let’s move on with the article.)
Howdy, y’all! McEric here and I’ve got a question for ya:
Have you ever been watching a theatrical DEADPOOL film and found yourself taken aback by all the dick-talk and rivers of blood? Have you found yourself at odds because you can’t share the Merc With a Mouth’s wacky antics with your thirteen-year-old best friend? Do you have a stick in your ass?
Well, Santa got all your letters and forwarded them to Ryan Reynolds, and now Deadpool is returning to theaters for two weeks this holiday season in a PG-13 cut lovingly titled ONCE UPON A DEADPOOL. Are you happy? ARE YOU?
And if I could set my cane down and put my teeth in and take one second to yell at the goddamn kids on my lawn I’d like to say this: what’s so wholesome about PG-13? You can squeeze three “fucks” in there, you can behead people, make all the sexual innuendo you want and choke toilets across the nation with the filthy humor and violence and blood. Is it really so different for your coddled little children who already know what the character is capable of going into it, probably more so than the overprotective parents? Eh, back in my day…
Anyway, to get back on topic, I’m actually really proud of Reynolds and his writing team and of Fox for making this happen so swiftly after the film’s initial run. You’ve probably heard by now that the sendup for this cut involves the storytelling framework from THE PRINCESS BRIDE, and that Fred Savage actually appears in the film as the bedridden audience to Wade’s tale of swashbuckling and gun play. What I just learned is that one dollar of each ticket sold to the limited engagement goes to support the charity F-CK CANCER, which will, for purposes of the film, be referred to as “Fudge Cancer”. Props where they’re due; I think these are great ideas.
And to be honest, I’m legitimately interested to see how the film will be recut. There are reportedly 8 interstitial scenes with Savage, so it seems likely that some of the hyper-violent (and expensive and painstakingly choreographed) combat scenes from the beginning of the film will be scrapped entirely to cut away to his guffawed reactions. But what of the language? Will there be bleeps or (and this is what I’m hoping for) very creative profanity stand-ins, like “ticklemonster” for motherfucker or “ringworm” for asshole? To be honest, I will be going to the theater just to have that one question answered.
From a marketing standpoint, this is a good move for Fox. It demonstrates to Disney the re-marketability of its product and it also throws some Marvel toys into the kiddie pool with DC’s AQUAMAN for the largely busy holiday movie season. By limiting the engagement from December 12th to 24th they also curtail overstaying their welcome and avoid appearing too opportunistic.
So, what do you all think? Will you plop down some of your hard-earned money to see Deadpool essentially chop his own balls off as one extra meta-finger to the movie industry? It’s for a good cause, after all. I, for one, will check it out as I like to see more movies toward the end of the year, anyway. A good distraction from work and holiday shopping is in order, and I’m genuinely curious to see how they’ll pull this off.
Until next time, I’ll see you at the movies! (and get off my Golf-Dogged lawn!)