Cool News
VALENTINE review
Wow... That sucked.
Ya know, when I saw the trailers for VALENTINE, I thought.... hmmm, 7 ft Cherub in all black with a butcher knife... I've got to see this.... Then I saw Denise Richards and Marley Shelton and thought... ewww... cool eye candy.
Then when I got to the theater tonight and I saw the special 'full disclosure' poster by Warner Brothers that warns us viewers in big type that we should be aware of the RATING of this movie. R.... and that the MPAA issued it for: STRONG HORROR VIOLENCE, SOME SEXUALITY AND LANGUAGE.
Hmmm, alright... cool, there's gonna be some T&A and tons and tons of good ol fashioned slasher film gore.
NOPE!
I wonder how much Warner Brothers had to pay or twist the MPAA into giving VALENTINE an R-rating. It certainly feels like a weak PG-13. The movie hasn't a single jump scare... no suspense or fear. Sure there are deaths, but in every single case you see: Instrument of their death..... The Victim.... The Cherub Killer..... Movement towards death instrument, cut away with loud sound effect.
Nudity? Zippo. Sexuality? There is a scene of a girl wrapped in a towel so tightly you can see NO cleavage or asscheeks. There is a scene of a couple laying in bed together, covers pulled up to under their chins, and completely nowhere near touching one another. Oh... there is some kissing while fully clothed in public places with closed mouths. Oh and there is one girl in a hot tub in a bikini... But that is like soooooo PG 13.
Where's the Sexuality in that? I mean are the MPAA so repressed that the above paragraph contains the ingredients that would form the word SEXUALITY in your rating.
OH... LANGUAGE. Ok, so the word PENIS is used. And "You've had guys who's last names you didn't know in your pants!" Ya know... I don't believe the words Shit or Fuck were ever used. And this was like COMPLETELY lame. LAME LAME LAME...
Alright.... So now that you know the MPAA rating was a sham, let's move on to the movie itself.
Ok, so you have 6 ft to 7 ft CHERUB stalking and killing a group of women. Now, as is the case with all 6ft-7ft Stalking Slasher Characters in films... they have a calling card of some sort to denote their style as a sicko killer. In this case we get VALENTINE CARDS. Early on, 3 characters get these, then apparently the 6ft-7ft Cherub Killer runs out of card ideas and ceases to give them to people. Now, I believe that the author of this film simply couldn't think of more than three cute death Valentine ideas.
Now, in addition... the first girl gets killed the way her Valentine card depicts... But apparently the Cherub Killer decided this would be too hard to keep up with the second death, so he dropped this concept.
Ok, so then the Cherub Killer loses focus on his/her original plot of killing this set of women and decides to just kill random other people, because they realized there was a lot of down time in the script so they had to add some bodies somehow.
Meanwhile the typical Scooby Doo plot of "Who Done It" comes into play. And the film decides to go into mystery mode, except that noone is bothering to actually try to discover the identity of the killer.
Ok, then we decide to create the artificial girlfriend strife thing, by having some of the girls angry with each other. Then there is the ludicrous, "Your boyfriend is doing this" "No Your Boyfriend is doing this" "That's not fair, take that back" "No You take it back" plotline.
You know the rule of a Slasher film that "If you have sex or do something morally wrong according to the Baptist that you will get killed" rule?
Well, here they decide to not only keep that rule... but amplify it so that you despise all of the women as man-hating manipulative monsters deserving of vicious deaths. They actually attempt to justify the killer's motives by making the women truly awful people. THIS IS ASTOUNDING. As a result, they fill the film with unlikable characters that deserve nothing more than death. As the film transforms from a slasher film, to a film about killing all women that make it hard to get in their pants or that have independent thought or are afraid of going too far and trying new things sexually.
Then on top of it all the film is just hidieously BORING and PEDESTRIAN.
To compare this to the best slasher film of all time would be an insult... so instead I won't even mention that film... Rather, I'll compare this to PROM NIGHT and STUFF STEPHANIE IN THE INCINERATOR... Ok, take out all gratuitous gore... take out all unintentional humor.... take out all nudity... add a score that sounds like a car whose ignition will never kick in and just groans on and on and on... And you begin to vaguely get a concept for where this TERRIBLE FREAKIN MOVIE LEFT ME.
This was not a cheap movie. Some idiot somewhere approved this thing, spent several million dollars on it and then didn't even have the courage to make a film in the genre that they were shitting in.
NOW... Somehow there are people writing me with positive reviews... I can not believe these are human beings that genuinely felt that... but if they are... PLEASE by all means rent STUFF STEPHANIE IN THE INCINERATOR.... because while that movie was excruciatingly awful... it was not the boring non-film that this so-called VALENTINE is.
This non-film was directed by Jamie Blanks, the fella responsible for URBAN LEGENDS... now in comparison to this, that film was a work of genius.... and that was not the case!
DO NOT BOTHER! You will most likely leave ANGRY. If you do see it and actually like it.... then I seriously believe you need to rush to a video store and begin renting everything in the Horror category because you definitely need perspective. THIS MOVIE IS LIKE WATCHING PAINT DRY FROM THE INSIDE OF A CAR ON A 120 DEGREE DAY IN AUGUST WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP!
BEWARE!
Alright, you folks want some additional thoughts... gotcha... Ok how about this. This movie is a SLASHER film, it never aspired to be anything else. In that genre... THE SLASHER FILM GENRE, there are a series of items you need in order to succeed in the genre... You have babes with serious T&A.... You have original and creative and spectacular death moments... and you have the way in which the killer stalks, hunts and kills his/her prey.
Here the killer is a random inserted thing... The victims all unlikable characters, who are fated for nothing but death... and the 'style' of the killer is completely inconsistent and unfocused.
Now the SLASHER genre is not... by nature... a great genre. We have very very few GREAT slasher films.... PSYCHO, HALLOWEEN, BLACK CHRISTMAS and EYES OF A STRANGER. All of which have genuine scares, thrills and chills... Wonderfully creepy and scary SLASHERS.... Strong music.... Characters that you care about and don't deserve to die... and the babes are in fact BABES that show a little.... Hell at least in PSYCHO you were IN THE SHOWER with Janet Leigh, and while everything was shot tastefully... it was creepy and scary.
In VALENTINE... You care about NOONE... meaning that you can't really wait for them to die... but then when they die... it's so quick and so pointless that you can't wait to get out of the theater. Meanwhile the grating fucking music is so terrible that you begin to feel a migraine pour on and the theater begins to become intrinsicly more interesting... the glow of the exit sign.... the number of speakers on the sides of the walls... The bald spot on that guy three rows up that reflects the light of the screen in a strange irridescent manner... possible oil use?
This movie is complete DRECK.... in the genre of BAD SLASHER films, the T&A and GORE is all there is.... so this film... which is in the BAD SLASHER film genre doesn't even have that.... meaning that nobody in their right mind can love this film as even a pleasing distraction. Utterly worthless to all.
-
+ Expand All
-
But, think for a moment: someone wrote this piece of trash, a reader reviewed it with thumbs up, middle management greenlit the project and let's say, approximately $6 million was spent in making this crap. Proof that chimps do run the business.
-
Will somebody please get this guy a better agent, or at least just better scripts? He's too cool to waste on sludge like this. Boy, I'll be glad when the teen idol slasher film craze is over...
-
You've never seen Harry post a negative review? You haven't been here very long, have you? I knew this movie was going to be a piece of crap when I first saw the preview. The stupid teen-targeted so-called "slasher" movies are all pieces of excrement. Add in Denise "I couldn't act to save my pretty ass" Richards, and you've got the formula for some mighty bad suckin'.
-
I can't remember who said it, but some poster remarked about the similarity between the cherub mask and Roger Ebert, and ya know what.....they were right!!! I saw this preview the other night and the first thing I thought of was ole' Ebert's mug. I can say, without a doubt in my mind, though, that I would rather be subjected to Sugar & Spice than this shit, BUT only if held at gunpoint....."no cheerleaders", good one JonQuixote.
-
That sounded like the rant of a 14-year old boy, not a review. Good horror films don't have to be explicit. Just look at the original film of The Haunting, one of the creepiest films ever. Add Valentine to the list of bad horror films based on dates of the year - the best being Halloween which started all the copycats including Friday The 13th.
-
I saw the premiere at Mann's Chinese last night, and even with the free popcorn and soda and not paying for the ticket and sitting in the greatest movie theater in the world, I still hated it worse than just about any movie I've ever seen. It's not a bad rip-off of Scream; it's a bad rip-off of a bad rip-off of Scream.
-
a while back when the announcement was made that David Boreanaz was to be cast in this movie. All of the reports quite consistently stated that he was playing the part of a psycho killer who was getting revenge for a cruel Valentines Day prank that was played on him by a group of female classmates in high school. I then saw the recent ad campaign that seemed to suggest that the killer's identity was supposed to be a mystery. What was that about? I am curious to know if the initial reports about DB's role were mistaken or did the producers unwittingly spoil their own movie's ending before it was even made. If the movie is as bad as everyone says then I suppose that anything is possible.
-
What I find the most amusing about this kickass review from Harry is that he actually had to go SEE the film in order to make the revelation that it sucked. I was able to discern that from the mind-numbing commercials about it on television. "Hey kids! It's yet another holiday! Time to watch yet another piece o crap slasher movie which we spent millions of dollars on cuz we know you're all a bunch of lemmings who'd watch paint dry on film if we put it in a movie theater and threw some blood at it!" I hear Blair Witch Three will have a serial killer in it. *expensive gagging sound effects* The only saving grace we have left is that very soon someone is going to literally pull the plug on Hollywood cuz California's running out of money to pay their electric bill. Then we'll all be saved by Independent Film.
-
Thankew a lot Harry...I was gonna see Valentine thinking it would be a Hitchcock worthy masterpiece I mean, Denise Richards wouldn't be caught doing crap...but luckily you steered us from what could be a cynically enjoyable turdfest, and instead decide to lead us into the the over-produced wastes like What Lies Beneath....
-
I don't remember Harry ever giving a review this totally negative.
-
This is a sell movie.
What's a sell movie? It's a high concept movie that is brought together on the basis of a strange idea that is supposed to lend itself to a unique advertising campaign.
The quality of the movie only matters as long as it isn't so bad that it fails to sneak under the radar.
At best, what we will see is a movie that has a moderately large number one position in it's first week, with substantial drop off after that.
This movie, most likely, has a budget under thirty million dollars. That ensures that the movie has a good chance of making a profit.
The sad part is that these movies are painfully obvious, and don't really tend to work. So more or less, my prediction is that this film will sink pretty quickly, even if it does make a profitable first week gross.
-
Feb 02, 2001 2:37:09 PM CST
While admittedly, "Valentine" is no "Blair Witch 2," I liked the
by smilin'jack ruby
But that's because I'm a slasher nut. Harry's probably right and you should probably agree with his review and not see this movie, but if you're a charter member of the "Jack Frost 2: The Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman," "Deep Rising," or "Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter" fan clubs (like me), well, then this'll be your cup of tea. I especially liked the second kill in the feature.
-
dohmersimpson, Harry didn't say this was a Horror film, he said it was a slasher film and YES, slashers must have things like, oh I don't know, slashing and death ! This movie blew, I felt like I'd been mind raped after viewing! I'm going to have to go pop my Holoween DVD in now just to get back to normal.
-
It's a shame to hear this because the book that this was inspired by was actually suspensful and interesting. I mean, I hate to be the guy that says "Oh, the book is so much better" but it actually was a good book. Well atleast this means Boreanz won't be compelled to do the stupid thing and ditch his show to try and be a "serious" film actor.
-
would you expect a good movie with her? sure, wild things was ok, and the world is not enough was pretty cool. but that was james bond and john friggin' mcnaughton!
besides being a poor actress, she's just a little soft in the head...what's this shit about carrying bottles of hand sanitizer to keep from getting sick? well, when the ebola virus pops into the USA I'll be sitting out breathing the air while her insides turn to pureed shit, all because my immune system is armed to the teeth.
as for Valentine, I wouldn't touch this movie with a stolen dick. I'll wait for hannibal next week. at least that one has a chance of being good. -
Hi Harry, I have come to notice that many of the people who comment on your reviews are anal retentive idiots who are not worthy of your words. For example there are the guys who just use this time to poke at you and say nothing about the movie. Hey guys, get a fucking clue. Ya harry knows there are good horror movies without any T and A. Its just that because this movie is not in any way scary, it could at least offer some T and A to the largely male audiences who go to it. And what is with the grammer police? Harry has a pleasant casual writting style, much like Hemmingway, who was an absolute genious. It is clear by those who mock him that they do in fact understand what he is talking about. Do these idiots realize that every language is a flowing changing temporary construction of words. Slang and new uses of language come into use at all times and they are all as relivant and functional as any other. Sorry, I have never posted before, but I had to vent to these people who don't even use this space to discuss the topic at hand, instead they bash a man who has saved me from many a horrible movie, for which I am eteranlly grateful
Capt Hek -
Ouch. This movie makes "Urban Legends" look like genius? If I remember right, I thought "Urban Legends" was just bloody awful. So much ouch. It's sad to think that a movie like "Valentine" could be funded for several million dollars and released while that money could have been spent on better things like feeding the homeless or funding the educations of the future of this country. Alas, the horror genre is dying a horrible death. The poster "st_buggering" is right: Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson have hurt the genre more than they have helped it. Now all films of the horror genre are rip-offs of the slasher genre formula except are less than average (dare I say bad). We can only hope that we can rise up from this quagmire of bad horror and find something intriguing, fresh, and honestly frighteningly. To conclude, Italian horror icon Dario Argento had this to say about the horror genre: "We had many good directors - John Carpenter, DePalma - but things have become polluted by business, money and bad relationships. The success of the horror genre has lead to its downfall." How pitiful and painful this assertion is, for it is the unfortunate truth. Take care all-- support good horror movies by not seeing bad ones!
-
I mean, not to be unduly negative here, but comparing Harry to Hemingway? Never in all my years and travels have I seen a man's head shoved so far up his ass that it's practically coming out of his neck again.
-
Kevin Smith and Wes Craven for making a 'good' movie? I think we can all agree that _Scream_ had some quality to it. Well thought out, good cast, clever plot, and some wonderful metafictionl. But to blame them for crap (or supposed crap)like this is pretty ludicrous. Best to blame the makers of _I Know What You Did..._ (which, I know, includes KW, kinda) for showing that slashers could be profitable again WITHOUT being good, or better yet, blame the audience who flocks to see these flicks on opening weekend. What Williamson and Craven did was show that there CAN be 'good' slasher picks, that there is some merit to the genre. Never anything wrong with making a good movie, especially one that's also original.
-
The Noone that Harry talks about is obviously Peter Noone, lead singer of 60s group Herman's Hermits.
-
I like him, but I'm often confused by his interviews. He says odd things like someone mentioned above -- him hating the script but signing on because of the Director. And sometimes he talks in very flowery language reminiscent of Drucilla.
-
I was almost intrigued by this film, simply because I'm a fan of the show Angel, and I wanted to see if Boreanaz got the chance to stretch any of his acting muscles. You can tell from every shot of the trailer that it's formula, and I'm not even a fan of the genre. But them Ms. Blow 'Em Up Doll shows up and instantly turned me off. The vacant look in her eyes makes it impossible to watch her even for a moment on screen. The only mainstream actress who reaches her level of vacuousness is Heather Graham. A pair of lovely, empty-headed Barbies. I finally read the graphic novel From Hell, and couldn't BELIEVE the Hughes Bros. cast her as a character that really is the emotional heart of the film. I am extremely dubious that she will be able to pull it off. She's not even thank kind of actress, and it lends me to believe as others have stated it will be a "whodunnit?"
-
I'm pretty surprised that Harry wasted his time to actually review this... well, dreck. I haven't seen it yet, nor do I plan on it. It's just another post-Scream slasher movie, and it doesn't even pretend to be anything original. It has your standard somewhat-recognizable "stars" (that guy from Angel). Oh, and Denise Richards, who now seems typecast as a wealthy manipulative bitch. Not that she's proven she can be anything else. Ever since Scream, every single damn slasher movie has someone in a mask killing the cast, and then at the end... surprise! It's... I dunno, let's say it's the guy from Angel. It doesn't matter. What happened to the good old days when slasher/stalker killers were just unstoppable forces of evil? Okay, maybe I'm missing Michael Myers here, but come on... Is there any interest in this movie what-so-ever? I don't give one shit who's under the stupid baby cherub mask (the second worst killer disguise ever, next to Urban Legends 2's Evil Fencing Instructor getup).
-
The fact that Harry hates a film due to the lack of full frontal nudity is exactly why his reviews are rarely credible. I saw Valentine, read Harry's review and wondered, why is Harry so uptight? Harry appears angry and quite frankly, sexually frustrated (probably because he can't get any with his closed minded attitude). Lighten up Harry, you might get laid and not have to depend on movies to glimpse a naked cheerleader.
-
The sadistic cartoons in the upper left side of the AICN home page more than make up for the lack of gore in VALENTINE. But where's the T&A? When are we going to see nudie caricatures of the Harry-meister himself?
-
from the hack director of "Urban Legend"? Jamie Blanks and the rest of that cast owe me money after sitting thru such a waste of a good concept(except for Loretta Devine,she's always cool). As a fan of Buffy/Angel,I may wind up seeing Valentine to check out DB but I will probaly live to regret it. When I first saw the trailer,I had a flashback to all those Holiday Hacker flicks of the '80s-any one remember April Fool's Day?
-
I just finished watching this garbage (luckily, a matinee) and Harry is so right on about this. I was so bored watching this film that I was actually paying more attention to that horrible score... what the hell was Don Davis using to score this movie? Fingernails on chalkboard?!? The characters were so empty and lifeless and the death scenes were ridiculous! And what the hell was up with that ending? I can't even begin to explain the major, M-A-J-O-R, plotholes in this movie. You could drive a semi-truck through this drivel!!!
-
Hey, Gangsta Bitch,... all the 'pwesants' in the world couldn't get this shitty movie a positive review. WAAZZZUUUPPPPP!!!
-
Just came out of Vallentine, which will stand the test of time all right...probably as the WORST slasher film of it's kind. But enough of that gar-bage: being an avid reader of Fangoria, their 200th issue has a piece on the "future of horror", with jamie Blanks as their lead in article. if this is the case, and the future of horror is this guy? We are in BIG trouble my friends.
what happened to Horror being unsafe?
To see some good unsafeness, check this out:
http://www.ifilm.com/ifilm/skeletons/film_detail/0,1263,675921,00.html -
rarely do I post on these boards so when I do you know it's a big deal. Why does Harry complain about little gore, little T&A, etc. It's because these are therules to this type of movie, if you're going to make a slasher film with a holiday title, you have certain rules to follow, capish? Now I'm not syain ghtis as someone who's watched Scream too many times, but someone who has watched the horror franchise evolve..or rathe devolve into something it needs to be ashamed of. Just as there are like 7 different types of heavy metal so there are different types of horror, this is in the slasher genre of horror, but it doesn't follow the formula but doesn't offer us anything original in the process. It's just a bad bad movie
-
Harry, yousa right, especially about the female characters. These bitches DESERVE to die. They are all shallow and mean and full of themselves. And they're played by horrible actresses. After seeing Sugar & Spice and now this, I'm convinced Marley Shelton is one of the shittiest actresses alive today, and did they cast Kate Capshaw's daughter with the hopes that daddy Spielberg would direct? That said, I thought the film at least started pretty well. The opening drummed up sympathy for our young killer, and Katy Heigl was real good in her one scene. And the production value was good too, and they even had pretty decent kills, but it all just felt so average. And DB's right. he didn't have anything to do, but he at least holds the screen, which could bode well for a future film. But those chicks were so fucking worthless that they killed the film. (pub45.ezboard.com/btwigsfilmfun)
-
I apologize for seeing this crap in the first place, but I hate to say that Harry is absolutely right. All I wanted were some decent kills and blood and gore. My girlfriend is a sucker for the cheap thrills so I paid $14. I figured there wouldn't be any nudity since all the actresses in the movie are cock teasing bitches. I actually thought that Jamie Blanks had some promise since I thought the first half of Urban Legend was pretty good, granted, the ending sucked shit. But this, I swear I wanted to beat the shit out of a cinema employee for letting me in this shit without so much as a hint that it sucked so hard. The MPAA bullshit is just that, bullshit. I kind of thought it would be a great idea to let people know what sort of "Bad" stuff is in the movie. But the pricks can't even label them right. This movie was worse than Battlefield Earth. David Boringass sucked some hard cock in this also. I don't watch Angel, but after seeing this I don't think I ever will. By the way he is the killer and the producers spoiled their own movie like the poster above brought up, not that it matters anyway since it's a given. Anyway thanks for listening me vent. Fuck Jamie Blanks! Fuck Warner Bros.! Fuck the MPAA! And gimme my $14! Peace!
-
Feb 02, 2001 11:14:41 PM CST
Like the really crappy chocolates you got when you were a kid...
by the_jackalope
...'Valentine' sucks. I mean, this flick really, really, deeply, and truly sucks. I haven't read the novel the film is based on, but it can't possibly be any worse than this pile. David Boreanaz? Hope you don't think you've hit the jackpot and freed yourself from the glass teat with this one. Denise Richards? Fabulous body, carnal lips, bedroom eyes, still can't act. Marley Shelton? With this and 'Sugar and Spice' out at the same time, I only pray that you have the good sense to fire your agent. Today. And a special missive to "director" Jamie Blanks -- a cease-and-desist letter should be arriving any day from the DGA. How in the world you wrangled another directing job after 'Urban Legends', I'll never know.
-
Feb 03, 2001 1:20:31 AM CST
I DID wipe my ass with this film...it was damed satisfying!
by james_o'nasty
Harry, you should listen to the British Guy who said you need to grow up when you post reviews of films...If something "sucks" you could borrow a page from Tom Shales book and actually sound intelligent, rather than sounding like a pissed 12-year-old. I mean, if someone said "Harry, you're wrong" a proper retort would not be "But...Come on!" The last movie that actually scared me was Silence of the Lambs. IT also made me laugh, what with the "Put the Lotion in the Basket!" scene. A sick fucker, perhaps, but it did show that after F13...maybe F13:2, the slasher genre was gone forever...except maybe Halloween:H20...that did seem good. And, what the hell is the ultimate slasher movie according to Harry? Is it that "Stuff Stella Where the Sun Don't Shine" movie? Oh well, at 4:16 on the East Coast, Love, Peace and Chicken Grease...I'm out!
-
Feb 03, 2001 5:57:57 AM CST
Being the sucker for cheap-ass junky slasher films that I am...
by i am_notreal
I have successfully avoided the past two, "Urban Legends 2" and now this one...there was a time when I'd be all over this, and feel awful afterward, and then I'd just go and do it again. A serial watcher of bad movies about serial killers, you might say. But maybe there's hope...Harry, you've done a public service and you don't even know it...of course that won't stop the next one (about a mad 6-7 ft Easter Bunny who's getting revenge on the kids who stomped on his eggs) from getting greenlit...
-
Anybody read this? Kind of a half-assed positive review.
http://www.variety.com/body.asp?HbkId=15761392&CatId=REV&ReviewID=1117797218 -
Okay, let me get this straight: Sugar and Spice, a cheerleader flick, which has a PG-13 rating, no sex, no nudity, and no violence, is a great flick worthy of the cheerleader genre (which thrives on those three things), while Valentine, a slasher flick, which has an R rating, no sex, no nudity, and little violence, is a horrible, god-awful flick that is the worst of the slasher genre. Is that what Harry's saying? And why is it in this review Harry doesn't mention one character name and sparingly mentions the actors, yet in Sugar and Spice he sounded like a the studio's marketing team? I'm sorry, but it's kind of hard to trust a critic who seems to have other motives behind his reviews. Hmm Harry, guess they didn't give you the red carpet treatment this time around.
-
Once more, I find Harry's reviews utterly odd. Valentine isn't really a good movie. It's a typical cheesy slasher movie. But I agree with that Variety review. It's fine for what it is. Its certainly not one of the worst movies ever. I've seen far worse in this genre (like say I Still Know, and yes, Urban Legend). Going in you know exactly what type of movie you're getting into, and if you enjoy the genre, there's no reason you should hate this film. And man, Harry has some issues. I remember him saying Exorcist should be shown to five year olds. And here he says Valentine should be PG-13, essentially because the film is lacking the horror version of penetration shots (actual moments of flesh being ripped and such) in Harry's mind. But jeez, I thought there were still enough moments (slit throats, electocutions, arrows, axes and such flying into people) to get the R rating. And hell, there were a couple of nice little bits. The girl who died by being shoved down on the shards of glass got a big reaction from the audience. And I really enjoyed the bitchy girl standing in the room when the killer happens to come in dragging his latest victim,. That was just a funny slasher movie moment, that one would think would happen now and again with these killers hiding the bodies all the time. Finally, and this is a bit more SPOILERISH so beware if you care but....
The bad guy totally gets away with his crime! That was pretty cool. Granted, this is in the context of a dumb slasher movie where things like forensics seem to not exist. But still, you don't see that happen often. He kills everyone he wants dead, and gets the girl even. That was... refreshing!
Valentine is what it is. I'm not defending it as art, or even as "good." But I just don't get why this is considered SUCH a bad movie, when, say Shaft (a very medicore film that should have been much better) gets such a good review from Harry. -
I'll be damn glad when this movie gets here and saves us from toothless dreck such as Valentine. Hurry up, Rob Zombie, horror and gore fans need you.
-
The movie was pretty sad but the good news is you can still go out and buy the book. That movie had nothing....NOTHING...to do with the book, which was a good read and had a few surprised.
I was prepared for the movie to be different from the book when I saw the previews but it was so different I'm surprised author Tom Savage let them put his name up on screen.
I wish someone actually make a movie based on the book. -
Savage actually wrote in to Coming Attractions and gently distanced himself from the movie. Yeah, I'd have loved to see an adaptation of the actual book, too, but it was really an interesting note the guy wrote. Without doing the usual author-with-a-movie-that-has-nothing-to-do-with-his-book routine, Savage said nice things about the filmmakers and said he was looking forward to what they took from his book. His name gets on the screen, a lot of people who have never heard of him before start reading his books, and he hasn't pissed off Hollywood and been labelled as "difficult" after cashing the check that paid for, basically the title and a pair of plot points. I totally respect Savage.
-
anyone know the name of the girl who played the big chick? dorothy? ive seen her in something itrs driving me insane........
-
David B sometimes speaking in a flowery language reminiscent of Drucilla" Now that remark was some funny sh*t.I haven't had a good laugh all day.Now I like DB, and in the future I hope he picks his roles based on the quility of the script, and not the liking of the director. Yes I think we can all agree that Denise Richards is nothing more than eye candy, she is such a terriable actress, and I kid you not I was just wondering what had happened to her before I saw the trailer for this movie. I have to disagree with you about Heather Graham, now although she's not the best actress I think we can agree that she's pretty average in the acting department. The movie was horriable, and even though movies like "I know what you did" and "Scream" and god forbid "Urban Legends" wasn't the best they were at least entertaining and fun to watch with Scream being at the top of the list. Harry was dead on in his review. The movie bored me to tears. Sugar and Spice was entertaining and I liked it.
-
Yeahhhh. Glad I missed this one. Almost went too. Hey, look the slasher thing was never that good. I mean it's so funny that all these new ones are pretty much on the same dull level as the 80's ones. Some gore, sometimes T & A, never thrills, or scares. Scream was good. And while it was suspensful it was never scarey. Just astonished how much time and effort can be put into one of these things and time after time, its like the SAME movie. How can it be that one person doesn't stand up and say:"HEY! None of this is scarey. IT's not even entertaining." I mean that "Still know what you did" sequel was...i couldn't believe someone got paid for that script, if you can even call it that. I was intrigued by this film's premise and that it's writers wrote Deep Blue Sea. But once I found out it was the guy who did Urban Legends I knew what kind of movie it would be. Well score one more for the bad guys. Please let Hannibal ROCK. Please...
-
I thought Valentine wasn't bad - for a neutered version of an 80's slasher flick. Granted, (1)I saw it for free at a test screening and (2) I'll sit through a day of PuppetMaster sequels on TNT so take my advice for the trash that it's worth. Loved the bow & arrow action. Didn't give a damn that there was no nudity in it, but then again, I'm a chick. Woudn't have said no to some David B. buttcheek action, though. Wanna see a great horror movie? Watch your copy of Halloween again. Want to sit in a theater and laugh about a slasher movie with a bunch of other people right now? See Valentine. Otherwise wait 'til the next piece of dreck (without Denise "help me, where's my script?" Richards) hits town.
-
...and I was wrong.
In fact I would have skipped this movie except that the ads clearly showed that the film didn't follow the plot line at all so maybe there was promist: four soroity babes play a cruel joke on the class loser who winds up getting expelled after he belts a couple of them. He gets sent home, back to his abusive parents, who he then kills. He spends the next several years in prision dreaming his revenge. When he gets out, he tracks down each babe, gets them romantically interested (plastic surgery) and offs them.
In the movie a group of SIXTH GRADE girls tell our loser no )and some mock him) when he asks them to dance. Many years later he goes after them for revenge. Why? Because a girl said no to a dance in sixth grade? For this he steams for ten years waiting for the right moment to kill them?
In fact, that and the cards were the only thing the two had in common, and they didn't even stick to the cards, or the killing one by one.
Skip this crap. And if you really must see Miss Richards in a bikini, go rent Wild Things again. -
Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator was a great movie!. I really wonder why Harry is trashing it. It wasn't even a horror movie, for crying out loud, so why the inclusion in this review? Stuff Stephanie was much more of a plot twist, you don't know what's real/ what's fake type of thing. It was similar in spirit (but not in plot) to the Game with the ways it played with the narrative and with what was real and what wasn't. I heartilly recommend that anyone who hasn't seen it, do so. It is not in any way shape or form related to what Harry described!
-
HEY YOUR PROBABLY GOING TO THINK I'M STUPID BUT HERE IT GOES. I WENT TO SEE THE MOVIE WITH SOME FRIENDS CUZ, WELL WOMEN GETTING KILLED GOTTA BE GOOD RIGHT? WELL WE'RE AT THE PART WHERE THE GUY GOES TO ON THE PILOT LIGHT AND HE HEARS A NOISE AND JUST LIKE THAT THE POWER GOES OFF IN THE WHOLE THEATRE. SO I WAS WONDERING IF ANY OF YOU COULD TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT. THEY GAVE US A FREE MOVIE PASS AND I KNOW THAT I'M NOT GOING TO USE IT TO WATCH THE REST OF THIS MOVIE. IT SUCKS, BUT I'LL PROBABLY USE IT FOR HANNIBAL. BUT PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED, I HATE THE MOVIE BUT I JUST NEED TO KNOW
-
Fuck this movie, it was horrible. I seriously counted the damn speakers. Fuck slashing and cancelling Batman Beyond, and FUCK the WB!
-
it is now out on video and I must say it rocked! It was everything Valentine wished to be but wasn't, scary and FUN! Smart and Clever, and besides THE CONVENT which I really hope comes out soon, Cherry Falls was one of the best Slasher Flicks I have seen since the original Scream! Brittney Murphy just tears it up in this movie and look for the scene where Cybil Shepards Daughter gets hung up on a Chandelier! Poor Clementine, girl! ANyways, SEEK CHERRY FALLS OUT AND YOU SHALL BE REWARDED!
-
Heyy kiddies...Hellknight here. I have to say, although I may see "Valentine" for pure novelty, I don't expect anything good. Kevin Williamson should be strangled with his own testicles for creating the bloodless, lifeless "post-modern teen-slasher" sub-genre with "Scream". The trilogy is only vaguely interesting, IKWYDLS is better as a suspense-film, but the second ine just stank, and "Urban Legend"... well, what can I say. I am a die-hard horror-film addict, constantly seeking out new scares, but find myself going back to early films and the works of Argento, along with the occassional direct-to-video flick, for satisfaction. That's where I found the unmatchably brilliant "Kolobos", and the subtle masterpiece "Black Christmas", both great films in the horror-genre. I am trying to find Argento's "Deep Red" and "Tenembrae" in my local vid-shacks, but not having a lot of luck. I did however, just watch Cronenberg's fabulous "Videodrome" again, and boy, was that groovy!
The point is, these post-Columbine, undeserving of an "R"-rating, overly self-reverant schlock-flicks can't even qualify as true horror-films to me. I guess we must wait for "House of 1000 Corpses" and "Jason X" to see a good horror-flick this year... It isn't a matter of needing blod and sex to make these movies good... but when they churn out these things and market them like R-rated horror-films instaed of the pg-13 "hey, we'll get the youngens to sneek into this movie expecting something good" things that they keep coming up with, how can anyone help but be annoyed? Hey, "Sleepy Hollow" at least had some good gore and a cool, scary bad-guy! And he hacked up a whole family, incuding a lil' boy! Now THAT is a horror-villan! -
I feel that Denise Richards was completely wasted throughout the whole movie. They did not even show her delicate, soft, and supple breasts. She reminds me of Chasey Lain, the pornography movie star. Valentine is one of the worst motion pictures of all-time. These are my ten all-time worst motion pictures:
1)The Crow: Salvation, definitely the worst film in "The Crow" franchise and the worst film ever. No motion picture will ever beat this film for the "worst".
2)Kazaam
3)Mission: Impossible 2
4)Romeo Must Die, Jet Li was not given his strength, grace, and flexibility. Special effects being his martial arts master.
5)Autumn in New York, I do not know why I purchased a nine dollar ticket to watch this piece of fecal matter.
6)Anna and the King, King Mongkut has to be one of Chow Yun-Fat's worst motion picture performances ever, even worse than his performance of New York policeman Nicholas Chen in "The Corruptor."
7)What Lies Beneath, this is definitely Robert Zemeckis worst film in his career.
8)Gone in Sixty Seconds
9)John Carpenter's Vampires
10)Valentine -
Harry!! Why did you have to take my comment to heart!! (re: the "naked" cartoon in the upper left corner). I promise, I'll be good from now on!
-
Valentine was the funniest movie I have seen in a long time. I loved it. I haven't laughed that much while watching a "horror" movie since watching "Bad Taste". It is well worth seeing if you enjoy really bad b-horror movies. Although I must admit I hope this is not the direction David Boreanaz' career is taking.
-
first off for all you saying the movie is a scream rip off that is very in not true. scream was a great film and i loved some of the imatators (urban legend, i know what ya did...) even the awful ones (i still know..) but i have to agree the whole post modern horror thing is getting a little old, valentine wasnt one of those films, while it did have some pretty intentional funny moments it didnt talk about other horror films and i thought it was a good change of pace, and i agree the charachters kinda were lame, the killers costume rocked and so did most of the death scenes like the opening murder were the killers stabbing all the bodie bags to fing katherine heigl or when hes trying to kill denise richards with the drill at the hot tub. i thought it was a fun throwback to old slasher films, while no classic like halloween or black x-mas, it was good.
Readers Talkback
User Login
Top Talkbacks
- Whitney Houston 1963 - 2012 -- 273 total posts 271 posts
- New JUDGE DREDD post production footage pops up -- 92 total posts 92 posts
- AVENGERS enemy revealed as pink boardgame pieces... You might suffer some form of elation... SPOILERS!!! -- 160 total posts 69 posts
- There's a STAR TREK video game that is going to lead into JJ's STAR TREK 2 apparently... -- 151 total posts 63 posts
- Does ‘SNL’ Rhyme With ‘Deschanel’?? Learn Which SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE Vet Hosts After Sexy Zooey!! -- 67 total posts 59 posts
- HANNA's Saoirse Ronan to boss around seven little people -- 60 total posts 57 posts
- To Commemorate The 3D Release Of STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE, George Lucas Wants You To Know...Greedo Shoots First!! -- 484 total posts 49 posts
- Here's The Red Band Trailer For Drafthouse Films' THE FP! -- 69 total posts 42 posts
- Friday Brings SWEEPS DAY NINE!! Gab Here About Tonight’s FRINGE!! Plus Einstein on TIM, Wiig On PORTLANDIA, MAHER, CLONE, GIFTED, GRIMM, SPARTACUS, SUPERNATURAL, GOLD RUSH And More!! -- 120 total posts 32 posts
- SPACE 2099!! -- 183 total posts 24 posts