Ok folks. I've been getting a lot of email about my ejaculatory review of SIX STRING SAMURAI. A lot of people thinking that my head is firmly lodged in my arse. Well just to prove that there are other people that also have their head lodged in my arse I submit Robogeek's and Tom Joad's reviews for your perusal. Now stand back, and behold the awesome size of my arse. I give you the reviews....

Tom Joad here again, continuing my adventures of the SXSW film festival and well, I was gonna wait a bit to finish my tales, but I’m so stoked ta’ tell the world about the next film that I just couldn’t put it off for another second.

Suffice to say I was at the holiest of holy theatres in town, the Alamo Drafthouse, when I underwent the single best theatrical experience of my life. I saw what is in my opinion one of the coolest films ever and definitely ranks above all else I saw at the SXSW film festival. The sorrow I feel for only having seen this flick once is only outweighed by my sorrow for those who did not get to see it at all. Holy shit, did you all miss out!

Yup, this film made me cry. Tears of maniacal joy and utter disbelief streamed down my cheeks before the opening scene was even finished! Tears of excitement that a movie this incredibly awesome has not only been made, but that I was discovering it before ninety-nine percent of the world was more than I could handle. I could not contain myself. The tears flowed forth… You know, I’ve seen assloads of movies and consider myself quite versed in terms of the celluloid, but never before has a film actually compelled me to throw my arm into the air and utter a Rick Flair “Whoooooo!” in mid-scene. I would be embarrassed to admit this had the movie not utterly shattered any and all expectations that I had for it. To know that a film this cool is in existence is too much for me, I want to see it again. NOW!

The film which I am literally slobbering on my keyboard over is none other than SIX STRING SAMURAI. From the brains of director Lance Mungia and lead Jeffrey Falcon, this film should have them a multi-picture deal before the suits can finish watching the opening scene! This is the type of film you hear Harvey Weinstein walked out of in the first reel, only to find out later that he could not wait another second. That he HAD to sign the talent behind this film and he HAD to have this movie!

Now I’m going to give you a brief synopsis and it will sound odd. It may even turn you off, but if you want to see the film that has replaced Jackson ’s DEAD/ALIVE, Raimi’s EVIL DEAD 2, and dare I say Rodriguez’s EL MARIACHI in my mind as coolest film EVER, you will do everything in your power to find this film when it is inevitably released. You will cherish it in your heart forever. It will shatter your expectations, no matter how high you set them. This is a film geek’s dream realized and recorded. Many times I will see a film that I like a lot and upon telling others about it I begin to wonder that I may be overdoing it, that I may be setting them up for disappointment. This film, however, is one film which CANNOT be overhyped!

In 1957, Russia dropped the bomb and America is a barren wasteland overrun by commie bastards. The capitol of what was once America is a city called Lost Vegas, where Elvis is king. But the king has passed on into the pearly gates of his heavenly Graceland and everyone is converging on Lost Vegas to decide upon a new king.

Enter Jeffrey Falcon, Buddy, a tattered tuxedo wearing, thick black framed glasses taped at every hinge as the man who would be king, travelling across the barren wasteland of the former free world with nothing but his six string Fender Stratocaster and his samurai sword. This guy is the coolest screen persona to ever grace a screen, ever. Although he will probably be likened to Bruce Campbell’s Ash, Buddy is much, much cooler, and much more of a badass… he’s got his share of awesome one-liners, but doesn’t ham them up or drip them with sarcasm they way Ash does. He always keeps his cool, he never panics, he’s like an American Chow Yun-Fat in the vintage Woo films of old. The ultimate in sexy, action, cool…

This film is not to be believed. The cinematography, the sets, the costumes, the editing, the FIGHT SCENES!!! Think of the coolest Bruce Lee fight scenes, think of the coolest battles in SEVEN SAMURAI, think of THE RAZOR, think of SHOGUN ASSASSIN. Now get ready for the new blood. Because Jeffrey Falcon is here to stay.

To God, I cannot give enough thanks, for putting me in the Alamo at 1:00pm on Friday, March 20th. But then again, it must’ve been fate, it’s all by design, I was meant to see this film. It will inspire legions of filmmakers to come forth with their most twisted incarnations of the world as they see it.

I mean, for example, when Buddy asks for directions to get to Lost Vegas, he ’s answered by a Mexican midget on steroids, “Follow the yellow brick road, homie!” is the best answer he gets.

I’m sorry, I need to run and get a bib, I’m drooling…

This is the type of film that makes you realize a new decade of film is beginning. In the late sixties we had EASY RIDER, the seventies had ALIEN, the eighties had THE EVIL DEAD, the until now, the nineties had DEAD/ALIVE. This film not only surpasses these films, but in your excitement to spread the word to everyone you meet, you will temporarily forget those other films even existed… yup, it’s THAT good. Shit, it’s that GREAT!!!

Afterwards, Harry, Jay, Johnny Wadd, myself and the rest of the crew headed to eat a little something before FRAT HOUSE started. All we could talk about was how incredible this film was and how none of us would be able to see it again for quite some time. Although this pained us, we soon forgot this fact as everyone began reciting the coolest lines from the film at the same time, it became a mess of rapid fire line recital and mutual wide-eyed stares of HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!

This film is why I love movies. It is this type of film that the world needs more of. When considering the incredible time I had while in Austin attending the SXSW film festival, this alone was worth it all. If faced with the choice of experiencing all I had or simply this film, I would choose this film. It is simply the epitome of why movies are made.

This is definitely one of those shared experiences that I will cherish for all of my days. I’ll be eighty in a rocker on my porch talking to myself about all the things that I would love to do again if I had my youth back and this mutual film experience would be atop the list. Simply amazing. Simply unbelievable. Simply the best there is. Whine on you unfortunate ones, you’re just gonna have to wait…

I cannot bring myself to even think of speaking of FRAT HOUSE at this time, I’ll include it in my next report. For now I just want to be left alone with my thoughts on this incredible film. Bye bye.

And now ROBOGEEK'S REVIEW of SIX STRING SAMURAI!!!!

Greetings, citizens! I, Robogeek, am at long last ready to impart upon you my final two movie reviews from SXSW 1998. That brings our grand total to nine films in a week. I had hoped to see an even dozen -- the only dozen that sparked my interest -- but a variety of circumstances conspired against me.

For instance, I would have loved to have caught "Men With Guns" (which I'll see as soon as it's released), but it was only screened once -- the same night I had 5th row tickets to see Lisa Loeb and Sarah McLachlan in concert. Now, as loyal as I am to the great Mr. Sayles, we're talking LISA and SARAH here. Suffice it to say, it was a religious experience. (It was good seein' ya there, Greg!)

Also, during the course of the fest I tried _twice_ to get into "Frat House" and failed. After being such a sensation at Sundance, you'd think the powers-that-be at SXSW would have had the foresight to present it in a larger venue than the Alamo Drafthouse, but no... It screened only there, and only three times. Bastards.

As for the twelth film on my list, it would have been "Dancer, TX Pop. 81," which I have heard nothing but ecstatically great things about. I hope TriStar gets behind it with a better push for its May 1st opening than Fox did for "The Newton Boys." (I just looked at its opening weekend numbers, and boy, they ain't pretty. My condolences, Mr. Linklater. You've been wronged.)

Certainly there were more than twelve worthwhile films at SXSW this year. From what I hear, maybe even another full dozen. But that was out of 68 total, not counting the shorts programs. But I digress...

Back to business. You no doubt have heard of this next film. In fact, Harry's review for it is the most glowing praise he's ever written -- and that's saying a lot. Then VARIETY published their rave review, which hailed it as "exquisite," "extraordinary," "entertaining" "exceptional" and "exhilarating" -- and I'm only quoting the adjectives they used that start with the letter "e."

I've gotten lots of mail asking, "Robogeek, we trust your measured voice of reason and wisdom, so please tell us -- is this movie really that great?"

Well, buckle up, Spanky! Here's the answer, in my review for...

SIX-STRING SAMURAI

Oh, my GOD.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'd heard whispers about this film. How it was unlike anything you'd ever seen, yet strangely familiar. How it seemed to magically appear from the ether, as if divinely delivered from Heaven. I had heard how the fools at Sundance had passed on it, and how it emerged a champion at Slamdance. I observed SXSW attendees whispering its name in hushed, reverent tones.

I had already blown off a couple opportunities to see it, but something made me trek to downtown Austin on this particular afternoon, as if I was being summoned by a force greater than myself. I arrived at the Alamo Draft House -- which is one of the coolest places in Austin, by the way -- and found Harry in the throes of dealing with a wired Japanese television crew. I steered clear, lest my secret identity be exposed. At the end of the row, I spotted two of my oldest friends, who I hadn't seen since last summer. I'll call them Mr. R and Mr. R. These two mystery men were the brains behind the fondly remembered but sadly unsuccessful "Candid Telephone," among other things. Anyway, Mr. R is a long-time member of the 45 Degree Angle Cult and produced the infamous Chuck Rap (which will soon hit the internet as an mpeg3 file). And Mr. R (the other one) is a famed music video director and television producer. Really! Each of them ranks among the coolest people I've ever known. Combined, well, they're just plain dangerous.

We rejoiced in our reunion, and I sat with them. As we awaited the start of the film, we recapped the last several months of our lives. I then proceeded to order my weekly caesar salad (which is sort of like my monthly chicken fried steak, only with a lot less fat), and a glass of water with a lemon. Ah, the simple pleasures.

Soon, darkness descended upon the hall and the silver screen before us came alive with an otherworldly glow. No, wait, that was just the INCREDIBLY ANNOYING Sundance Channel trailer and SXSW titles. God, do I SO not want to ever have to sit through those again! (These were screened before every film at the fest. I've been meaning to mention them.)

And then, it happened. Pure, unadulterated magic. Unassuming, straight-forward genius. It was called SIX-STRING SAMURAI. Or, as I pronounced it after the screening to Harry, "A Nirvana of Coolness."

For all true film geeks, there are the Holy Screenings -- the epiphanies of moviegoing revelation that forever change our lives and are burned into memory for all time. As a kid, two films did that to me -- "Star Wars" and "Superman." Then, later in life, there was a procession of others. "The Double Life of Veronique" and "Toto the Hero" opening night at the 1991 New York Film Festival. "The Player" and a work-in-progress screening of "Map of the Human Heart" at Cannes in 91. "The Cabinet of Dr. Ramirez" at the 1992 Chicago Film Fest. "El Mariachi" and "Hard Boiled" at Sundance in 93. And so many others throughout the years. "Lawrence of Arabia," "Heavenly Creatures," "Mr. Deeds Goes To Town," "Buckaroo Banzai," "The Thin Man," "Blade Runner," "Gone With The Wind," "Kiki's Delivery Service," "The Day The Earth Stood Still," "Raiders of the Lost Ark," "Citizen Kane," "Heathers," "Singin' in the Rain," "Casablanca," "The Shawshank Redemption," "Rear Window," "The Seven Samurai," "Ben-Hur," "Vertigo," "The Philadelphia Story," "The Adventures of Robin Hood," "2001," "The Mark of Zorro," "King Kong," "A Little Princess," "Doctor Zhivago," and... "Titanic." And so many more (especially foreign films, which I hardly touched on, but you get the idea).

SIX-STRING SAMURAI ranks high among the greatest film experiences I've ever had. And while it may not be the _best_ film I've ever seen, it is the _coolest_ film ever made by the hand of man or God. It is, simply put, a miracle -- especially considering it is Lance Mungia's directorial debut. I was utterly astonished. I wish I could shake his hand.

(Oh, and before I forget -- during the entire screening, out of the corner of my eye, I spied Harry literally going into spasms over how cool this movie was. It evoked a response in him I have never before witnessed.)

How to describe this movie? Well, it was as if director Mungia and star/co-producer/co-writer/God Jeffrey Falcon had systematically studied all of the coolest films ever made, from Sergio Leone to Akira Kurosawa, from John Woo to Sam Raimi, from Robert Rodriguez to Peter Jackson, from Terry Gilliam to David Lynch, from Tsui Hark to Luc Besson, and on and on and on -- and then combined the best from all of them. But wait, there's more! They also draw upon anime, manga, comic books, and music, combining those sensibilities into a seamless tapestry of unmitigated -- and highly original -- coolness.

I wish I had made this movie.

And you know what? The marvels never cease. For example, Kristian Bernier's (widescreen!) cinematography is STUNNINGLY GORGEOUS. Jaw-droppingly breathtaking. To call it Oscar-calibre is no hyperbole. I was unprepared, and completely taken aback by how impressive it was. Wow.

Then there's James Frisa's incessently inspired editing. I'm a real editing aficianado; it is something I would love to do. Frisa is a virtuoso. The editing alone in this film is going to make Robert Rodriguez cry, it's so acutely brilliant. It couldn't possibly be tighter or more... cool.

Across the board, this production is top-notch. Everyone involved is at the top of their game. I kept waiting to find a slip-up, a weakness, a fault. Not a one. Flawless. It's mind-blowing. Oh, and kudos to Justin McQuire as The Kid. He is a rare find, and note-perfect. This role was so pivitol, it could have been the film's Achilles' Heel. Instead, this young actor pulls it off with a rock-solid performance that is a joy to behold.

And then there is The Main Man -- Jeffrey Falcon. As Buddy, clad in horn-rimmed glasses and a tattered black suit and tie, he brandishes a katana in one hand and a six-string guitar in the other. This man's coolness is rivalled only by the likes of Chow Yun-Fat, Clint Eastwood, Samuel L. Jackson, Toshiro Mifune, Douglas Fairbanks and Jean Reno. At first, when he comes on screen, he's unassuming and soft-spoken. Then, he cuts loose like nobody's business. The audience went nuts over this guy. He is going to be a major international star. Huge. He's a veritable fountain of kick-ass panache. During the course of the film, the same startling realization possessed the entire audience -- we were witnessing the birth of a screen icon. It left us breathless with awe and reverence. He is coolness personified. He is A Hero.

Okay, now get this -- besides merely starring in the film, he's co-producer, co-writer... and the Production & Costume Designer! And his work in those departments is... SO COOL!

Falcon is a GOD!!! (<-yup, that's Robogeek's first-ever use of multiple exclamation points) I just had to say that.

Then, there's the music. See, I have this theory -- you can't have a great film without a great score. I'd even go so far as to say, more often than not, a movie is only as great as its score. Think about it! It's true with very few exceptions.

Bryan Tyler did the score. I am DYING to have a copy. Plus, he incorporates music from THE RED ELVISES (who appear in the film), which is now my favorite band. The soundtrack to this film is gonna go gangbusters. Enormous sales potential.

And then there's the director. Lance Mungia's debut with this film is nothing less than earth-shattering. It is, I dare say, a work of genius and artistry, full of energy and verve that is relentless and boundless. Making this film is what he was born for. He is the most exciting new filmmaking talent to appear in a long time. It's staggering to conceive of what wonders lie ahead in his career.

The teaming of _this_ director and _this_ star is electrifying. It recalls the greatest director/actor partnerships of all time, such as John Ford and John Wayne, Martin Scorsese and Robert DeNiro, Akira Kurosawa and Toshiro Mifune, Sergio Leone and Clint Eastwood, Luc Besson and Jean Reno, John Woo and Chow Yun-Fat.

As far as I'm concerned, Lance Mungia and Jeffrey Falcon have just been added to that list.

At the end of the film, I was literally brought to tears by the closing shot. I can't begin to tell you how emotionally fulfilling and powerfully resonant this film was. You remember how I said "Titanic" was the film I'd always dreamed of, but never thought I'd see? Well, let me amend that. "Titanic" is the dream film of the adult me. "Six-String Samurai" is the film I always dreamed of as a kid. I'd forgotten it. But when I saw it, the ten-year-old in me came back and sat next to me. Even now, writing this, it chokes me up. This film reconnected me to my childhood.

And that brings me to one last point I want to make, one that no one else yet has. Something that I think is incredibly significant. This is a film you can take your kids to. There is NO profanity in the film. NONE. I was so, so, SO impressed by that. And NO gore. In fact, I'd even say that this film doesn't contain "violence," but only "action." There's a distinct difference, and this film demonstrates it. I applaud the filmmakers for their courage, taste, restraint, creativity and judgment. Too many filmmakers take the easy way out, and indulge themselves irresponsibly. (As do, perhaps, some other reviewers on this site -- but I won't get into that.) This film doesn't. It respects the audience on every level. That, in a way, puts it in a class with "The Adventures of Robin Hoon" and "The Mark of Zorro," while at the same time it holds its own with "Hard Boiled" and "El Mariachi." It's a noble achievement. Bravo!

So for those of you who haven't seen this film yet, and are trying to imagine how cool it really is, do this: dream of the coolest movie you could ever possibly hope to see. Then, imagine it was even COOLER.

You're getting warm.

P.S.: Because so many of you are dying for more info on this film (and since I didn't even touch the plot), here are a couple more links...

The SIX-STRING SAMURAI page on JEFFREY FALCON's official site!