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El Cosmico Preaches The Truth About Lloyd Kaufman And TROMADANCE

It seems that I, your one true and good friend, El Cosmico, have at long last recovered from a recent experience which might have caused those of greater sanity to kill themselves, a viewing of the Golden Globe award show.

Oh, by the way, for those readers who don't like rambling, long-winded, non-sequitur filled articles, just click the back button right now and get on out of here. Off you go. If you stay, and bitch later, that makes you a fuckhead.

Was there ever an awards show that made more of a mockery of itself? No satirist has never approached such subtle and perfectly disturbing...satire. Kudos to Sarah Jessica Parker for the most obscene acceptance speech I have ever seen. Oh damn. My cat just vomited. I'm not kidding, it's coincidence, I think.

Well, cleaning THAT was pleasant. Pets are such a trade-off. Dogs slobber, make loud noise, stink, shit everywhere, and are needy, and cats vomit. Yuck-o.

Yeah, well, screw you too, cat. Anyway, it's not cruel of me to say that Ms. Parker's speech was obscene. I mean, if she watches it on tape, she'll realize it. That's fine. People are that way sometimes. Of course, I also think that the only reason that her show is popular is because Americans are childish prudes who giggle at every mention of sex, but that's another story. Or, maybe it really isn't. She can't be so insane as to take this all seriously, and so, in that spirit, I chide her.

At least Al Pacino had some perspective, when he talked about how lucky he felt to be there, Al gave one of only three truly real moments of the evening, and his speech showed how worthy he was of the award he received. Happy thoughts to George Clooney, who also seemed to understand the ridiculous nature of the situation, but the El Cosmico award of the evening has to go to Elizabeth Taylor (I will NOT call her DAME, royals are the scum of the Earth, caused most of the pain and bloodshed in the last millenium, and people who believe in democracy should turn down such accolades as "dame" with a polite "Fuck you, royal!" accompanied by a firm middle finger, of course).

Now then, where was I? Oh yes, Elizabeth Taylor gets the El Cosmico award of the evening, for doing exactly what I, and all sensible people would have done in her position. Picturing myself in a room full of sick monkeys, such a high caliber of which could only ever be found at a gathering of both film AND television...ahem..."stars", sanity and good form dictate that one should probably get PISS DRUNK. So, I salute you Ms. Taylor, because you shouldn't give a damn what those people think of you, you should just dress up in an outfit that makes you happy, go out, and have a fun evening however you can.

So, what the hell does this have to do with TROMA? Everything. Those of you who have read Lloyd Kaufman's stunningly excellent autobiography, "All I Need To Know About Filmmaking I Learned From THE TOXIC AVENGER", know that setting tone, providing context, is key to a truly transcendental understanding of any tale. Such as Lloyd's own tale of life in Chad, as it inspires the future existence of all that is TROMA. Lloyd Kaufman, you see, is a true champion among men. For those of you who haven't read his biography, whether you're a fan of Troma, interested in film, or just want to read a goddamn funny-ass book, you should go and buy about thirty copies and read them all over and over again. Buy them now at troma.com!

Firstly, I'll tell you why this article is here. Because on the 24th and 25th, in Park City, Utah, there is an event worth attending. You've seen and heard of Sundance, I don't think I need to go into the many ways in which it is wrong, and the few in which it is truly right. You may have heard of Slamdance, Felchdance, Nodance, Moondance, Fuckdance, Assdance, Dancedance, Masturbationdance, Globochemdance, and the like. Okay, some of those are only happening at my place this year. Most of these, however, are misguided attempts by one or another ape to gain one or another type of "cred", "props", or perhaps the occasional lot of "big ups" from the hopelessly entrenched "rebel" establishment, the very reason why every American should be required to read "Commodify Your Dissent". And, isn't it cool that I mentioned that. No, it's not cool. It sucks. Everything sucks.

That aside, there is an oasis of nonsense, a realm of pure artistry, mixed in a most disgusting fashion with, at various times, complete lack of talent, true inspiration, total lack of taste, true independence, absolutely the shittiest filmmaking you'll ever see, and, of course, real fun and substantially more originality than you will probably find at all of the other fests combined. It is, of course, TROMADANCE.

This year, I'm glad to say, I'm trapped in my cave, exploring new heights of misanthropic and highly consumer-victim driven life. Staring at my Playstation 2, I revel in the high degree of colorful and complex repetitiveness, only satisfying perhaps because it is confusing. I love it, and it hates me. Ultimately, I am most proud and ashamed of my recent journey into online shopping for groceries. You see, no longer do I have a single consistently occuring reason for leaving my apartment. They are now bringing my groceries to my door. This is such terrible beauty. It's a shame, though, that they must be brought by actual humans, whom I could otherwise completely avoid seeing ever.

The point is, if you're lucky enough to be out of the house, and are for some fool- headed reason in Park City, you shouldn't waste your time trying to catch wind of the next big thing, the latest buzz, and what have you. You need to have some actual fun while you're away from the office. Fill your mind with goodness. Go to TROMADANCE. There's no admission fee, and there are fun girlies there in sexy outfits...but keep your hands off Tiffany. She's mine.

Can I guarantee what you'll see there? Hell no. I was chatting with Lloyd for a good while, and we talked about lots of stuff, but I was more interested in discussing the films of his that I'd just watched in a marathon. Before chatting, I thought it appropriate to watch all of the Troma films I could in a mad weekend-long marathon, then I watched them again, this time with the director's commentary. Then, I was prepared to feed baited lines to Lloyd, so he'd be impressed with how great my questions were. Like when I talked to a certain cult after watching their infomercial, except that Lloyd preaches the truth. Said Lloyd to me, [do you] "want jalapeno peppers on your cultural pizza, or the baby food of PAY IT FORWARD"? I hear you man, PAY IT FORWARD can fucking go to hell.

What do I love about Troma? Do I care, for instance that the Cinematheque Francais has honored him, and compared to Dadaist Marcel Duchamp? That Sam Grogg, Dean of the American Film Institute Conservatory, described Lloyd Kaufman as one of the handful of genuine auteur directors in the United States? Of course, Troma also makes television for the British (Troma's EDGE TV, Friday nights on Channel 4, the largest private UK network), are madly popular in Japan, and they were celebrated this past December at the Anthology Film Archives in New York.

All of this has happened despite the intense and constantly hounding evil presence of the MPAA. As true independents know, the MPAA, as one of its founding principles, aggressively seeks out and destroys anyone not directly affiliated with an incredibly large corporation. I wish I was exaggerating here, but just look at the cut versions of Troma films versus the uncut. Like when, in Toxic Avenger, a couple of scenes that were cut out to obtain an R rating were...a grandmother being punched in the stomach, and...a guy on fire. Not insanely gross versions of these events, pretty much plain vanilla renditions. The trend continued and at Troma's first apex, during the 80's, when they released their epic Troma's War, they were told by Richard Hefner of the MPAA that their film was trash, and that it would never get an R. Of course, to get into theatres, they had to cut it to extremes, which left their fans watching a horribly dismembered film, which in turn made the fans think that Troma had sold out. Only recently, on DVD and home video, has Troma's War been viewable in its uncut version.

Incidentally, Troma's War has more squibbs than probably any other film ever, save perhaps Sam Peckinpah's Wild Bunch, and on top of that, I believe it had the first ever pair of simultaneously exploding breasts, a technique which recurs in Terror Firmer. More on that later. Anyway, the point is, that in an era of bloodbaths on the big screen, with Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis, with Robocop and the like all having received R ratings for content much more extreme than anything Troma has ever done, the MPAA has continued to try to crush them. Not getting an R rating not only means that theatres won't carry a film, it also excludes many independent films from being carried at Blockbuster and Hollywood Video. It couldn't be more obvious, and it's a sad, sick tale of a hopelessly pathetic and hypocritical agency. Thankfully, Troma's films will outlive Jack Valenti.

Even this year though, Troma's recent entry, Terror Firmer, an absolute masterpiece of Troma filmmaking, faced harsh pressure from the MPAA to cut tons of footage. This at the same time that Disney's Scary Movie included ball-sack shots, penises stabbing people through their heads, and come sprayed all over a girl like a fire hose. Shittiness, thy name is MPAA.

Thankfully, Troma has a business strategy that has kept them around for 26 years...living on almost nonexistent budgets, staying away from loans and debts of most kinds, which has allowed them to weather, albeit wearily at times, the most harsh conspiracies of madness being waged by sick monkeys everywhere.

The advent of the internet has permitted them to reach their fans directly, at troma.com and tromaville.com, and direct VHS and DVD sales have been of great help to the heroic company. So strong is the fan influence on Troma, that fans provided the plot for the most recent Troma film, The Toxic Avenger 4: Citizen Toxie, in which the Toxic Avenger faces an evil-universe Sgt. Kabukiman, NYPD. As for other enjoyment from this film...a fine quote, "Heroes don't double amputate police chiefs!" as well as appearances from Ron Jeremy, Dolphin man, Mad Cowboy, Sgt. Kabukiman, Master Bater, a shaved Michael Herz, two fighting fetuses, the return of Melvin, a Hitler theme, tongue pulling, lesbian sex, and of course, Lemmy Von Mötorhead.

Some of this probably sounds like it makes no damn sense to you at all. As Count Smokula has said, "When watching a Troma movie, you must not only suspend your disbelief: you must lock it up in a small iron crate and torture it." You see, there is so much to Troma's films. In my own opinion, you cannot understand their films until you have seen many of them, and explored the story of Troma. As I've discovered the works myself, and read through Lloyd's truly outstanding biography, I find myself more interested with each new bit of information. Every new thing I see makes me more and more of a fan. Each new work or commentary casts every previous Troma work I've seen in a new light. Some think of Troma's films as utter crap. Watching their historical development, though, a truly wise, enlightened person sees the evolving themes and subtexts, and by the time you get through the library to Tromeo and Juliet, Terror Firmer, and Citizen Toxie, if there is a soul in you, and a functioning brain, you will be in awe of the accomplishments of this brave, tiny, truly independent studio. They have a vision. A clear vision of a genre completely separate from all other films that you see. Abandon your previous hopes for film, and accept the greater ethos of Troma's Films Of The Future.

Yea, some say, at first glance, Troma films are about sex and violence. Big titties and guns. Hoo-has and Uzis. Bazongas and bazookas. Never better expressed than in Troma's War, perhaps. This film is also a prime example of the real motivation behind many Troma films, which is not simply to be entertaining, to re-use old props, thematic ideas, and jokes...although a lot of that goes on. In fact, one of the best ways to enjoy Troma films is to see how many films a certain prop (dismembered leg, for example) is used in, or to compare various takes on throwing people out of second-story windows to their horrible deaths. Underlying each of the modern Troma films, from the original Toxic Avenger on, is a serious political attitude. In Troma's war, it was a statement against jingoistic militarism that was rampant in the Reagan era, and continues even today.

Hollywood, let's be honest, is a wing of the Democratic party. Witness, for example, the aforementioned (see, I told you there was a fucking point!) Horrific Golden Globes. More openly proud forms of evil tend to gravitate to the Republican party. Troma rallied for Ralph Nader, and stands not only against big government and big corporations, but also against big labor (Kaufman was run out of the Director's Guild). One can understand their point, especially the point of Troma's War, when one considers a couple of fun combat actions. Reagan's invasion of Grenada, as all sane people know, was a total sham. It was, in the Hollywood language, a "Wag the Dog" situation, a diversionary tactic to distract the press from covering the HORRIBLE security fuckup in Lebanon just days earlier, which led to the deaths of MANY US Marines. Ultimately, the press discovered that there were 60 unarmed Cuban construction workers there. This was the communist takeover force. Well done, Ronnie. Clinton's shining moment was when he bombed a medicine factory in the Sudan, in order to distract from the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Good on you too, Bill.

The beauty of this is that during the recent presidential debates, both candidates said that they fully supported both actions. Al Gore said he supported every military action taken in every recent administration. Of course we expect this from Republicans, but Al, you do remember that THE ENTIRE WORLD, I SHIT YOU NOT, I AM NOT EXAGGERATING, the entire world, including the UN Security Council, strongly condemned the invasion of Grenada. The only dissenting vote was... the United States. So, Al, what the fuck is the point of having a Democratic party if you can't criticize bullshit like that?

Here, we have the difference between true independent thinking and establishment mind-control, which occurs on both sides of the political fence. If you're still under the illusion that there ARE two sides. Or that there's a fence at all. Troma, meanwhile, last year protested outside of a Democratic party fundraiser, attended by masses of Hollywood elite, and promoted Nader on their website. Maybe you don't agree with their viewpoint on this stuff, but that's probably because you're wrong.

There are so many whip-ass chapters in Troma's history, and in Kaufman's personal history, but part of the fun is discovering it on your own, and the process of becoming a fan. As I said, the age of DVD has been good to Troma, and the Terror Firmer DVD is a two-disc set, with a release date of...TODAY! Go buy it at the Chopping Maul! With one disc dedicated to a feature-length documentary on the making of the film. Terror Firmer, to me, at least, is a sort of Meta-Troma-Film. It can only be truly appreciated if one has seen a good lot of Troma films, and is a real treasure for the hardcore Troma fan. A sort of fine and perfect distillation of the Troma ethic, clearly a crowning achievement for the filmmakers. Even if you've never seen a Troma film because you suck, though, you'll be able to appreciate the glorious, distinctly separate and excellent universe that is Tromaville. You owe it to yourself.

What about TROMADANCE? When asked about TROMADANCE, spoke the mighty Kaufman, "Oliver Wendell Holmes said, 'A person cannot truly have lived unless he shares in the actions and passions of his time', and we have come to the conclusion that so many film festivals are bogus, so many film festivals charge filmmakers to have their movies entered. For the privilege of having their movies excluded, you know, how many of these film festivals like Sundance...I mean, I had somebody, I had lunch with somebody recently, who told me that he invested in a movie, and that movie was being represented by Michael Ovitz, therefore, it was a slam dunk to be accepted by Sundance. Sundance, it's really very ugly when you go there, they're very rude to filmmakers, they're really snotty, and Slamdance, this other...we used to sponsor it, but they got really hoity-toity, and I think they've totally sold out. They may have some good movies occasionally, but they've sold out, they want to be a part of the Hollywood elite. So, we've set up Tromadance, there's no entry fee, we don't charge for tickets, so the public can come for free. Filmmakers, we feel that if you try to make a movie, if you make a movie, it's very expensive, and independent filmmakers have to donate a kidney, basically to get a film made. Why should they have to pay to have their movie entered into a film festival, especially when those film festivals are fixed...I mean, they're pre-determined, for the most part. They've sort of decided already what's going to be in those festivals.. ..it's unfair, especially when those film festivals really make their decisions based on powerful divisions of big studios and press agents. So, TROMADANCE is a reaction against that."

This year at Tromadance, there will be two venues, one in Salt Lake City, and one in Park City. Of course, more information can be found at tromadance.com.

So, while you're all fucking around in Park City, bored off of your asses, or talking about how much you love "independent film", consider who owns all of those supposedly independent film companies, how clearly cynical and test-marketed all of their themes are, custom-made for your wannabe ass. Then, get some sense into your head, and go see some TRULY independent films over at Tromadance...so your trip won't be a complete waste of time.

Hey, want to see something really offensive?

-El Cosmico

elcosmico@aintitcool.com

Readers Talkback
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  • Jan. 23, 2001, 8:06 a.m. CST

    Sundance has become self-absorbed

    by Cooler-than-Thou

    Right on El Cosmico. I agree with you one hundred percent. I myself am working on a script right now that I intend to direct by year's end. So I know the hardships of finding funds. Getting someone with deep pockets to finance a film these days is no simple task. It takes a lot of patience and a strong self esteem. It's a laborious effort. When all is said and done and the film is finally completed-the last thing you want is to deal with some fucking prick treating you like a second class citizen. Especially when you know it's because you refuse to pander to Hollywood's commercial convention. There won't be any hooker with a heart of gold. I loathe cutesy-wutesy smartass ABC-breed TGIF-ready kids and if a dog is around when something is exploding, the motherfucker will die like everything else. Cheers to Tromaville for this festival. It seems to be the only avenue for independant filmmakers that can actually be referred to as a true ALTERNATIVE.

  • Jan. 23, 2001, 10:40 a.m. CST

    TROMA SUCKS!

    by BUG

    Troma sucks! It is not an independent film company! Maybe in its begginig it was, but not nowadays! They have some people working for them that are motherfuckers bastards! Fire 'em and then you wil be the really independent cinema!

  • Jan. 23, 2001, 10:44 a.m. CST

    Inspiring

    by Toranaga

    Reading this, I was ashamed that I've only seen one Troma film (Cannible the Musical), so while I was only halfway done with this article, I got up and went and rented Toxic Avenger and Surf Nazis Must Die on DVD right away. Wish I could go to this fest, but I guess it's a trade off in a way. Im in Austin, so I can go to BNAT's here. Thanks for the story. Cant wait to start watching these films.

  • Jan. 23, 2001, 10:46 a.m. CST

    Excellent article

    by Smilin'Jack Ruby

    No finer piece has been written recently about just how fucking cool Troma is. What ever happened to "Jane Austen's Schlock and Schlockability?"

  • Jan. 23, 2001, 11:41 a.m. CST

    Naked chicks! Flying body parts! and political diatribes!

    by Lizzybeth

    Gee, that doesn't sound like mainstream film at all. Yes, political hypocrites are bad. The MPAA is bad. But anyone who tells me that I'm not a film fan if I don't support simultaneously exploding breasts just because it's outside of Sundance and the Golden Globes, can kiss my girly ass. Some things are low on the rader because they are excluded, but some of them are just piss-poor, brainless empty ball sack barbie-humping trash. Even if you stick a political flag on it.

  • Jan. 23, 2001, 12:30 p.m. CST

    Nader and unions

    by Eppy

    Er, nader (and most of the growing anti-corporate movement) is pro-union, cosmico. Say what you want specifically about the SAG etc., but in general we could use a few more unions, especially in regions of the world where there are no unions at all. Wal-Mart's anti-"big unions" too.

  • Jan. 23, 2001, 3:05 p.m. CST

    I'm surpised how gullible you guys are...

    by Uncapie

    ...you think Troma loves to make movies? There having this festival to get new product cheaply, if not for free. They're distributors and all distributors fuck the filmaker . Always. Free admission? No entry fee? Every festival that I've attended has had an entry or admission fee. That's how they generate their income to pay for their overhead. That's a big pot of honey for some hardworking fly to get caught in as the spider waits in the background. I was at Troma's office in Mar Vista a few months ago to pitch a proposed idea they would have cleaned up on. Total budget was $25,000. It had a story, simple special effects, non-union cast and crew. And the idea would have been bank for Troma. Hell, I did Don Jackson movies for $10,000 that made $90,000 just on overseas sales alone and they were shit!Real shit! Troma's offices are all plastered up with their posters and one way glass so that you can't see in. What's that about? Their "office staff" consists of four people and the office itself is a joke! rash everywhere and totally disorganized. Plenty of unsold product on the sheleves too. My room, when I was six years old, was more organized than that! Plus, no one there can make a decision. Everything has to come from Lloyd and everything he turns down unless its a finished product. And when its distributed, do any of you know about foreign sales and quarterly producer's reports? Do you know where your film will be sold and for how much? Just make sure you get a kiss when you get fucked.

  • Jan. 23, 2001, 3:58 p.m. CST

    Best damned article on AICN ever.

    by mrnuke

    This place was really starting to suck before this article came along. Just compare this article to the other bland shite being posted, especially about Sundance. Too funny, and too intelligent for most of the dunderheads around here. I love how Uncapie disses on Troma for being too disorganized...hey, no shit pal! Oh, and how Sleazy G complains that they mistreat interns...again, no shit, they're fucking interns. Wannabe ass-kissers. What the hell do you think interns are but leeches? Of course they're treated like garbage! The funniest thing about reading reactions to Troma films is from people who've never seen them, who really DO think they're about tits and violence. Fact is, Troma is fucking amazingly cool, and you have to have a brain to understand that. So, the rest of this site can go to hell in a mainstream handbasket, and El Cosmico should get his own site. This stuff is too good to be posted on AICN.

  • Jan. 23, 2001, 4:50 p.m. CST

    A reaction from one Troma employee..

    by TromaGuy

    First of all thanks to El Cosmico for the article.. After reading some of the comments I felt the need to post something myself, as an employee of the company. But where oh where to begin? I'm going to skip the political Nader stuff cuz frankly I don't give a rats ass about your politics :) To BUG: Troma may suck, but the employees are mean??? I can honestly say I've never had more fun working with a particular group of people and I'm surprised anyone would consider them mean from the outside.. but perhaps you had a bad experience so fair dues. To Smiling Jack Ruby: Don't expect Schlock & Schlockablity in the near future :) To Lizzybeth: I don't think anyone is saying (certainly not us) that you can't be a film fan if you don't like Troma. To each his/her own.. if you don't like, don't watch.. but would you want to permit skeezballs like us from watching or making these films? To Sleazy G: Well you know.. this is the thing about interns... we are generally a very busy bunch, and frankly don't have time for interns that won't or can't work. Perhaps this is mean, but we've got jobs to do... shit, if you ask around you will find that the ones that DO work hard have a far more rewarding experience than they would at some "normal" office where they file papers, make copies and get babied. Many of our interns end up in front of the camera and at times end up behind the camera. But you know.. you'll find the ones that do end up doing the fun work are also the ones that don't bitch about doing the grunt work i.e. taking out the garbage and picking up phones. To Uncapie: Sounds to me that you are slightly bitter about a deal gone wrong or not going at all. I don't deal with the business end of it all so I can't respond to the proposed idea you pitched, but why would you even care if you were so appalled by disorganized nature of the office. Yeah.. the office is a dirty pigsty with shit everywhere... does an office NEED to be sterile, carpeted, and have cubicles? I personally love the office... rarely ever feels like I'm going into work in the morning. And Tromadance is indeed Free to Enter and Free to Attend. Yeah, we sell a Best Of Tromadance videotape, but trust me.. the amount we make off those hardly BEGINS to cover the cost of holding the festival... nobody wants to buy a tape of short films. And anyway, the ones on the tape are negotiated to be released with their particular filmmakers.. i.e. just because the movie is in the festival doesn't mean we get to distribute it. Anyway, thanks for your comments.. sorry if I missed something or wasn't clear about some of my points.. I'm trying to cover alot of ground and I haven't eaten dinner. Any questions feel free to email me or post them here and I'll do my best to answer. Thanks! Steve

  • Jan. 23, 2001, 4:58 p.m. CST

    What the fuck? Did I just read something well-written on AICN?

    by AnimalLove

    Am I hallucinating? How the hell did that happen?

  • You guys have been peddling the same stuff for the last eight years! At least Charlie Band and Roger Corman add to their libraries. What I offered was a solid story, two new characters (All rights GIVEN to Lloyd for FREE! I'm sure you understand what this means with the profit potential on the marketing side of things.), Lloyd would, of course, direct and have one of the leads and the locations I would have gotten would have been next to nothing! You try and get that in the city of Los Angeles! Lets see you do better than that! Who are you to criticize me? You don't know anything about who I am, my work or my potential! I offer your company a bar of gold on a silver platter and you can't see the light of day that's its a money maker! You take a cheap shot at me that I'm "bitter" about not making a film at Troma(Whooooooo....a Troma Film....I did have a film in development that I was pissed that it didn't get made, but not bitter because somehow I don't think Burt Ward and Roddy Piper will sell tickets compared to the original cast of Christopher Walken and Michael Madsen. But, that's okay, the producer who tried to fuck me on that deal has fucked everyone else in this town and considering he's had open heart surgery and smokes four packs a day, well, he won't be around much longer.) and yet I give you guys everything for next to nothing: ten day shooting schedual, budget breakdown, days in/out, casting, co-producer, 2nd unit director, screenplay, two new characters(That you would get all rights FOR FREE!)assistant editor...all for $1,000, including two weeks prep and six weeks post. That's fucking well below minimum wage! Roger Corman pays more than that on his craft services! And I wanted to do it, because I like Lloyd. That's right. He's a stand up guy. He knows his movies are shit and he makes money off them. Well, why not make a movie that's good and blow the fucking bell curve making more profit as well as making a better name for Troma. How long can he make "Toxic Avenger Part 27" or "Sgt. Kabukiman Versus the Master Baiter." That shit gets old real quick. I'm not bitter about not making a film with you guys. I can make a film anywhere. I just can't stand stupid people. People that can't see the forest for the trees. People that would like to make a hot steamy pile of dogshit, that have the potential to make a better, profit making film. What is your background, Steve? How long have you worked there? How many films have you personally made? What's your experience in distribution and production? Where can you get the best lighting package? What's a cookilouris? What's a teenie used for? How much are the potential buyers from Japan going to buy as opposed to the U.K. or Italy? What territories sell one Troma product better than the other? What do you base you overall projection? I can do any job in any position there standing on my head, so don't you insult me, you suckass punk! And, man, if you like coming to work in a dump like that, you're welcome to it.

  • Jan. 23, 2001, 6:34 p.m. CST

    One last thing...

    by Uncapie

    ...an office or home reflects the way one does business or lives. You can learn a lot about a company or person that way. How they do business or conduct themselves. And when I went to your offices in Mar Vista, it said it all.

  • Jan. 23, 2001, 8:14 p.m. CST

    If you read that whole thing you're a fuckhead...

    by JackBurton

    Sorry, couldn't resist. ;-)

  • Jan. 23, 2001, 8:53 p.m. CST

    did I say bitter?

    by TromaGuy

    hahahah.. no one ever said Troma, as a business, isn't reflective of its office.... messy, disorganized, and dare we say it.. FUN. as far as a few new things Troma's released... we've just released the double DVD Terror Firmer, plus 5 new titles voted for by Troma fans in the last like 2 months, as well as a bunch of other movies, not to mention producing a weekly television show for British TV. Oh, and this year Troma aquired the entire Roan Group collection... something like a couple of hundred classic titles. If your product is such a sure thing moneymaker worthy of the likes of Christopher Walken and Michael Madsen, why on earth come to Troma practically "giving" it away? Because you LIKE Lloyd? Because no one else would touch it either? Man, all I know is I'm not a moviemaker.. have no interest in making movies... but I DO know I probably would have sent you packing just based on your attitude... sometimes all the money in the world just ain't worth the headache. Right then. Later!

  • Jan. 23, 2001, 9:44 p.m. CST

    umm, uncapie...

    by Hello Kitty

    Yes, you had some bad luck selling your work, and that's too bad, but if you've read Lloyd Kaufman's bio, and if you know what Troma's struggled through, well, it makes your problems seem easy as pie. Maybe they're not sympathetic because they've been through things that are a million times worse, and weathered them with much less complaint.

  • Jan. 23, 2001, 10:09 p.m. CST

    quit yer bitchin'

    by FilmGuyWhoFIlms

    Look, dude who wrote the whiny messages about how Troma decided not to make your movie(i didn't bother remembering your name). BOO FUCKING HOO!! Just because Troma isn't fucking Paramount, New Line or 20th Century Shit don't mean that they HAVE to make your movie. They're still a film company that makes it's own decisions ya know?. I'm 17 years old and granted you probably know a whole whack more than I do about the film industry. When I finally graduate high school I plan on making films independently, and when i say independently i fucking mean it. Unlike you. When you say the word independent, it usually means doing things on your own! duh dumb fuck. If it was such an easy $1000 to make, then why the fuck didn't you save up some cash working at MacDonalds or where ever you work to pay off your debt to www.gayfuckers.com and make the damn thing yourself. christ, I've already made like three decent fucking full length DV movies for a combined total of $100 bucks...and that was to get my fucking camera repaired after the fucking viewfinder snapped...for God's sake guy if you wanna bitch about how "mean" and "unorganized" Troma is then bust down the fucking bar and cry bloody mary cause i honestly doubt no here is listening.

  • Jan. 23, 2001, 10:30 p.m. CST

    Learn to read Troma Guy..

    by Uncapie

    If you would have read the post you would have seen that the Walken/Madsen project wasn't brought to your company. It was another project that had I pitched and its too good for your outfit. "Yeah, lets have fun and jerk each other off! We're making movies!" Gee, that's great. You go ahead and do that in your pigsty. Pigs wollow in filth, so help yourself. Also, "Kitty", I did read Kauffman's book and I got a few things out of it, but I also got a lot of things by knowing some of the great directors who have helped me with my own films and script structures. "Troma struggled to get where they are?" You don't know anything about the things I've gone through to get a film made. Who the fuck are you to judge someone when you hide behind a computer and don't know anything about them face-to-face? Nookie, you haven't the faintest idea of what the real world of movie making is. Yeah, all high schoolers know more than anyone else. Let me know when you get some brains.

  • Jan. 23, 2001, 10:35 p.m. CST

    That's right Steve and that's why you work there.

    by Uncapie

  • Jan. 24, 2001, 7:10 a.m. CST

    being a troma intern

    by captainpropane

    I was a troma intern. It wasn't a good time for me. The wild atmosphere conveyed whenever troma tries to present itself in public, is something that's not in the work environment, which is a chaotic place where Michael Herz and his wife yell at each other and everyone else constantly. (A good reason to stay off the main floor of Troma's office building). Yet most people working at Troma are incredibly nice. They work for next to nothing, and try to make it fun. As an intern, I expected receiving some experience for the time I put in. All I learned is that Lloyd is real friendly film guy, and if you want to see how movies get made, don't work in a disorganized office with sweatshop-styled operations. I'm not in Sundance cause my film got rejected by Sundance/Slamdance. And there's no way I would have given it to Troma for their festival. For me, they represent a sort of way of doing business I hope I never have to encounter again. I've worked at law firms and on various film sets, both high pressured places, yet have never seen the lack of assholishness exhibited in that beat-up building. Man, if Troma didn't make your film, all the better for you. I know Lloyd talks about making art. I think he just makes dumb funny movies with gross stuff, bad special effects, and wannabe actresses in bikinis. The best thing he ever did was the low budget car chase in Toxic Avenger 1. If you love your idea, figure out a way to make your film. Do it yourself if need be. Sorry I wrote so much. Peace in the middle east (and your ass crease). Oh, Millie at Troma is one of the kindest people I've ever met. Sorry she has to work in Herz Hell.

  • Jan. 24, 2001, 8:15 a.m. CST

    Uncapie you moron!

    by patrick-g

    OK film genius, brag about your expansive knowledge of profit margins, international marketing strategies and the vernacular of cinema. However, if you had done some research you would know that Troma does not produce scripts "out-of-house" (meaning: not written by Lloyd and a contracted writer). Perhaps they forgot to teach you attention to details at film school. Another thing, the founder of Troma's website is a man named James Gunn that currently writes films for Warner Bros. So before you take shots at Tromaguy,you might want to tend to your own career in film. Best of luck to you. With your attitude, I think you'll need it. Now go fuck yourself.

  • Jan. 24, 2001, 10:07 a.m. CST

    Thank you patrick-g!

    by Uncapie

    That was a good laugh!

  • Jan. 24, 2001, 10:39 a.m. CST

    You guys are funny...

    by Uncapie

    ...you jump all over another filmaker without even asking what the story was about. How closed minded is that? I'm sure James Gunn puts a lot of effort into his writing. Most screenplays take time and I commend anyone for doing that. But, the "Scooby Doo" movie and "13 Ghosts", remakes? And what happened to "The Specials"? If you blinked, you missed it. "He works for Warner Brothers!" So, what? I had an office on the Universal lot for awhile just like you guys had at Raliegh Studios. Big deal.

  • Jan. 24, 2001, 3:24 p.m. CST

    To Steve DeBono

    by BUG

    Steve: Yes, you have been offering a lot of new releases to the fans, but you always offer the same shit. I mean, Troma doesn't give the opportunity to a lot of new talents to release their work... When the fans go to Troma to offer a business, you never accept the risk (even if these fans are a Troma fan club-i've got have some information about it). In fact, there's a lot of Troma people who doesnt have own ideas and who doesn't accept to proceed if it must supose a risk for them. I know people at Troma work very hard and receive a very low salary-- so you must to increase the Troma funds! You must to be friends of the Troma fans because without them, Troma won't exist! As Lloyd usually says, "Troma won't exist without our fans". So, listen 'em; be friendly, happy to hear their ideas and to discuss with them. Do not put problems or say NO when you can consider the ideas they offer to you. When I said that the Troma employees sucks, I didn't refer to everybody, of course; but as you said, I had a bad experience and there are some Troma employees that really sucks. Anyway, there's one person at Troma who is the nicest person I ever meet: Millie Medina; and I am sad to know that she works under the moron of Mike Dwyer.

  • Jan. 24, 2001, 5:32 p.m. CST

    El Cosmico!! You da man!!

    by Manaqua

    Great read. Well said. You make me wanna take a bat and go smash things!! 'bazongas and bazookas'!! I'll still be laughin tomorrow! peace!

  • Jan. 24, 2001, 5:40 p.m. CST

    Taking Troma's side :)

    by TheJosh

    I totally agree with Steve and PatrickG on this one. Uncappie needs to lighten up and quit blaming Troma for his failures. Bitterness is not the answer. I'm not going to say that we need to analyze the situation, because I think that Mr. Uncappie has more than done his fair share of that. Here is my synopsis in a nutshell-- Synopsis: Help!! I'm Josh's synopsis and I'm trapped in this goddamn nutshell! Let me out of here!!" I hope you guys got kick out of that and it relieved the overwhelming tension on the message board. Look all that I know is that Steve and the guys at Troma are some of the nicest and coolest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I just think Uncappie should try a little harder next time, and try not to be such an asshole. Thats my story and Im stickin to it d:P

  • Jan. 25, 2001, 12:27 a.m. CST

    why troma does not suck!

    by kabukiska

    Well I just have to say that I work for troma from time to time and I have had nothing but good times all around, for a year now, and they have been the greatest bunch of freaks I have ever been around, Lloyd has done nothing but supported me and given me a lot of oppertunities, I make films, horror comedys, have since i was 8, and my last 3 films lloyd and troma have given me all the support and help in the world to get my stuff made and out to the people, Christ, they even put a page up twice devoted to my films and had a casting call for my last film, and I will be forever greatful! And yeah, even Steve the one most of you are blasting has supported and acted in the films not to mention almost the whole trom staff!!! I think all of you whining brats should go lite you rgenitals on fire and pray to the gods of funk to drown in your own self loathing!!! I say HOORAY for troma,HOORAY for steve and HOORAY for TEEN APE!!!