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Harry wipes and flushes the projectable poop that was TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT

The film begins with flaming spiked turds catapulted into your eyeballs, then starts to get more outrageous.   This is Bay’s Fuck it I’m out TRANSFORMERS film.   Everything you hate about the series is amp’d up here.  Bay’s human fixation still is the huge problem for me and this series.


The film doesn’t play for me.   I wish it did, but it doesn’t.   The Visual Effects work throughout the film is extraordinary.   Truly stunning stuff.   Throughout.  If you’re going to experience it, go to an IMAX 3D venue.   Go full Bay.  It is Two Hours and Twenty-Nine minutes but like on hot humid days, where the temp may actually be lower, but it feels stiflingly hot and miserable and the Heat Index is 130 degrees…  the 2hrs & 29min, for me, felt like Three & a half hours – and I like long movies, but this felt like…


Have you ever had to be screamed at by a relative that ordinarily you love, but there’s that one time where it was like the end of the world and you have to be attentive, but they’re so aggravated that they are yelling at you tedious vital details to explain their mania – but it feels repetitive and you’re miserable the entire time.   That’s how this film plays for me.


I would personally cut all U.S. Military bullshit in this movie.   All the Navy Seals.   All of the new anti-Transformer groups.   I get that Bay loves the U.S. Military, I do too – In fact I love them at home raising families and living fulfilling peaceful lives.   What Bay does with the military is use their ridiculously overpriced Military toys – like that $4 Billion dollar Stealth Destroyer, the U.S.S. Zumwalt – the one that seems to break down every time you turn around.  But to see it for like the blink that it appears in the film – just pisses me off – that $4 Billion Dollars spent so the only positive thing it could do is appear in a fucking TRANSFORMERS movie and be completely boring.


That AKIVA GOLDSMAN was responsible in some fashion for this – is kind of hysterical – cuz he was also all up in the ass of that KING ARTHUR – Guy Ritchie movie…  Now I think – Akiva got his research mixed up – because MERLIN was desperately missing from the Arthurian film, but in this he and Lancelot show up.   And Merlin is played by Stanley Tucci in terrible rubberized looking forehead and nose appliances – as a booze swilling drunk Merlin that has a Transformer friend that gives him a Rod of Power to command  Mecha-Ghidorah, which somehow was left from all Arthurian legends.   And apparently Excalibur is some kind of Transformer thing – and the tower of dumb that is this movie continues to be rude, crude and cinematically unacceptable. 


It’s like the only direction Bay has for actors in this universe is…   “YELL YOUR LINE FASTER!!!”  There is no gear other than SCREAM!!!


Your kids might have a blast with it, but they would also love for you to put a metal bucket over your head whilst they beat it with broom and mop handles as you scream sing songs from FROZEN.   That’s cheaper, and probably more fun for you than watching TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT.


There were these two little girls at my screening that put their hands over their ears, elbows sticking way out and were stomping back and forth in front of me for a 3 minute sequence of the film – that was just pure sound and fury and they completely checked out for – and decided to lead a protest of two.   I admired them.  


I’m immune to Bay’s charms in the TRANSFORMERS universe.   I can not deny that the VFX people do a robust badass job – and the cinematographer does exceptional work – and this movie does make Emmerich destruction feel amateur by comparison, but at the same time that’s just comparing various heaps of dung by two different animals.   You’re still paying for shit, watching shit and ultimately the movie feels like shit.   This is projectable poop, smeared across the screen with no quality to the characters on screen.   And the revelation that Earth is UNICRON is about the most fucking ignorant dumbshit crap ever.  


I’ve spent enough on this – you get the point.   Not my bag at all baby!


Keep it cool,



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