I know, I’m late to the summer feast with THE CONJURING 2, but the press screening was opposite WARCRAFT, and my Renn Faire history pulls me at WARCRAFT a tad faster. I was starting to have that itch at the back of the throat, feeling that day. The following 5 days were horrible, the next two was being sympathetic to my wife. After hitting rehab, FINDING DORY and the behind the scenes here at the site, today was when I had a block free to go with Father Geek to check out THE CONJURING 2.
I wish Yoko could’ve been, but she was at work. The second I left the air conditioned arctic that is my home, I regretted it. It has officially become that time of the year where we Texans feel like the red hot steel of Conan’s blade beaten upon the Anvil of Crom. As a Redhead, we feel the waves of oppressive radiation placing freckles upon every exposed inch of our redhead hide. Best to get to the movie theater. We were checking out a 3:30pm Matinee at the Highland Galaxy that seems a bit further along with their remodeling than I’ve seen. We arrived about 10 minutes before the trailers would begin. The theater was ours alone.
Ice cold drink restoring life to our miserable heat battered and fried souls, it was feeling ideal. Seeing a matinee of a week old movie is one of the finer things in life. Trailers begin with that STAR TREK: BEYOND last trailer. I like it. I’m feeling a cool vibe off the film. Next was the old DOCTOR STRANGE trailer… As the Ancient One’s voice begins speaking… a horde of children flooded in. Thirteen kids ranging from ages 8 to perhaps 16. Mostly girls. Laughing, “NOBODY IS HERE!” – Dad and I look at each other… smile… this is indeed the Anvil of Crom. They begin taking flash photos, and from the non-bleached out portions of the screen, I could tell they were posing. This was actually a new experience. I look at Dad, who makes this OGRE face followed by a whimsical OH WELL face at me. I honestly can’t recall the other trailers, It was such a strobe of flashes and shadow shapes.
I knew there was another screening of CONJURING 2 starting in 30 minutes at this theater and if this continued into the movie, I’d nudge Dad and we’d just watch that next screening and hope for the best. Then the trailer for LIGHTS OUT came on – they calmed to a low buzz of “whatsthis?Idonnow.ShhhhMovie.BitchPlease.LOL.ShhhThisIsGood” then the first jump scare and the kids – all 13 screamed like Leatherface put them on a meathook. It was AWESOME!
These relatively terribly behaved kids, were those kids at haunted houses in October with their cel phones out, being obnoxious, but once the first scare came, it became “ohShit.Shhhh.OhShit.Shhhh.FuckNo.Shhhh.Giggles.” and quiet. Long spates of quiet, especially when a pair of couples came in and sat between us and the surround sound SCREAM-ARAMA bar of children. In fact, it was like Jame Wan custom ordered these kids to elevate the movie to electrifying.
The AMITYVILLE opening got them. The Demon Nun. The kids released their tingler by screaming. It was perfect. In my head, I decided I wasn’t going to let a group of kids that came to the theater to scream on a roller coaster horror A-ticket. Instead, I channeled those kids. They did flash 4 additional photos over the film, but instead of getting angry, I decided if I turned around the Demon Nun or the Crooked Man was gonna get me, because… I WAS WATCHING THIS MOVIE – and you couldn’t help but SCREAM ALONG. Dad got a large popcorn bought for him by some adult outside, which was sweet.. sadly neither dad and I are Popcorn eaters.
How was the movie, simply perfect. The two CONJURING movies do a great job of first showing the stakes and scale of evil. Making the Warrens as the point of the spear against evil for the Catholic Church and amping the battles of evil up beyond reasonability, but all the way full on NIGHT STALKER / X-FILES in terms of… YOU WILL SEE THE SCARY CRAZY THAT DOESN’T GET ON CAMERAS, CUZ ITS SMARTER’S WHY!
I’d read and dismissed the case upon which the film was based cuz, I’d read about the Faked Video. Trust me, when I go to THE CONJURING 2 and it’s the unofficial sword arm of the Catholic Church version of the Warrens, with full realized demons and spooky shit… My Science loving ass takes a back seat. I can analyze this stuff as being not in the domain of the Catholic Church and explain Demons as TransDimensional Apparitions if that’s your thing. But if so, the Catholic Kung Fu seems to work. Eventually, but Demons are deceptive critters as far as this scenario gives ya, and there’s 3 apparitions that plague the film, The Demon Nun, The Crooked Man and The Old Man Spirit that hates strangers in his house. All 3 work. They’re full on creeps.
By the way, every jump scare was punctuated by a blood curdling ear shattering TEENAGE MASS SCREAM in my particular screening, and will be sorely missed upon the Blu Ray track.
Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga as Ed & Lorraine Warren feel so absolutely perfect in this series – and may there be 14 more. Vera’s future seeing and thus fearful protection of Patrick’s Ed is warming in the film. Watch her face as Ed does Elvis for the Hodgson Family with the Christmas trees. She’s glowing, but there beneath the make up and smiles – you see a clutching fear of loss, it’s always lingering in the shadow of love, the fear of loss, well her vision, we share, so when you see that smile and those eyes at least in my mind I hear a plea not to lose him.
The Matriarch of the Hodgson family is played by Frances O’Connor… David’s mother from Spielberg’s AI. My mind instantly identifies her as… someone who loses children. I know, terrible, but I’m also watching a horror film – and I know from the case that in reality no kids were lost, but fuck reality, this is James Wan Hollywood Horror – I’m ready and fully willing to feel the bullshit! Frances’ Peggy is overwhelmed. She’s struggling to maintain her family. The house is being flooded in the basement, she lost her hubby because he had twins around the block and left her with 4. The particularly afflicted child was Madison Wolfe’s Janet. Dammit Janet. Ok, so it’s all Janet’s fault. She held a cigarette. It goes deeper than that. The cuter girl probably talked her into making the OUIJI Board, and she did do the number one thing never to do with a Ouiji Board, which is PLAY ALONE. The other thing, NEVER PLAY WITH OUIJI boards – please respect the rules of scary movies and live people.
That’s pretty much all the evil she does. She tries to tell people what’s going on, but she got caught holding a cig and wasn’t gonna rat out her pal.
Meanwhile on the otherside of the pond, Patrick’s Ed is waking up from early morning nightmares with an inspiration for crafts, so he paints the nightmarish DEMON in his head – to take the strength from it away. Then hangs it by a light source you might happen to one day walk towards. FUCKING SADIST! What a prick. Seriously. It’s bad enough there’s a fucking how big is my dick of cursed items in the fucking BASEMENT of the house WE LIVE IN. I’m sorry. Their little girl, I just want her to run away from home. Those parents invite so much I TOLD YA SO nightmares into their world… but…
Like Jake & Elwood, they’re on a mission from GOD.
I love MISSION FROM GOD movies. As a superstitious soul, I find Science reassuring that while I know what to do in the case of pretty much all fucked up shit ever that is supernatural… Science tells me that that part of me is silly, and that does give me a righteous sense of superiority… but, Science also is iffy about all sorts of shit they can’t yet detect. But I’m telling you. If say, I visit your house – and a fucking dresser and chairs start moving around. I’m not once gonna go, “NEAT, I’m gonna see if I sit on a chair if it’ll pull me too, like those 80s idiots in POLTERGEIST… Yeah, let the unknown possibly evil shit get a hold of ya. BAD IDEA MAN!
But in CONJURING 2, we get to see how clever and deceitful a spirit can get – and by the way, I watch GHOST ADVENTURES with my wife and James Wan HORROR is so much better than that show, which is pure Rorschach BS, unless I’m watching slightly intoxicated, in which case IT IS ALL REAL.
I love produced horror if they get an internal logic for why the recurring character is once again venturing into the valley of shadow and fearing no evil again, but this house… this family… They seem sweet, but the Warrens did say at the first sign of EVIL, they’d call the church. The Warrens are not reliable on that issue. I mean, they sing ELVIS, but do they listen?
ONLY FOOLS RUSH IN…
No thank you.
I love the British Bobbies response to the chairs and dresser moving. ABSOLUTELY AGREED. Witnessing objects moving is just 100% uncool. Unless in the presence of a Jedi. Then, serve them for the rest of your life and hope you get to see other cool tricks. If children or teenagers are present, kill them. Obviously, they’re demons. And the police won’t help you.
Cuz, Ghosts, Demons, these are the things that the Cops just don’t do. They’ll show up to evaluate the situation, but once you convince them… GHOSTS & DEMONS… They go the fuck away, cuz we’ve all seen the movies. No good comes from the investigation. Who you gonna call? Nope, this is the Seventies, they’re not around yet. This is one of them cases that got Dan interested in doing what he did with GHOSTBUSTERS.
This is way more Catholic than that. Though less Catholic than THE BLUES BROTHERS.
When the film was over and the end credits were going, the youngest boy in the group of kids waved at me and say “Hi Mister” and I smiled back. That group of kids made this screening all the fun. See CONJURING 2, but take your friends that scream, that’s the best!
Keep it cool,
Harry
