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FLMLVR Spouts Off About JASON X!!
Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Ah, the mystery that is Flmlvr. He's one of the most consistently punished Talkback and chat room contributors, but I can't actually recall why everyone picks on him. Or I couldn't until he brought up his CENTER STAGE review. Anyway... here's the Biggest Little Man in Hollywood with his look at New Line's slasher-film answer to CHARLIE'S ANGELS, the soon-to-be camp classic JASON X. Oh... and you have to read his shameless begging in the last paragraph. It's remarkable stuff. Dignity, thy name is not Flmlvr...
Flmlvr Reviews JASON X...(Or how a dwarf aka a "little person" tries to
make himself sound important)
I know it's been a while since I've disgraced AICN with my presence. But
ever since I was Verne Troyer's stunt double on "Shasta Mcnasty" it was
impossible for me to leave my fort without pictures being taken and pens
being shoved in my face for autographs. After many months my heat wore off
and I was allowed to venture up ground again...
...where I stumbled upon a Jason X test screening. Joy upon Joy. I was
psyched. Warwick Davis and I have been huge fans of the Friday films. Sure
they're not great by any means, but they're entertaining. And after all
isn't that what film is suppose to be? I went into Jason X expecting what
I had gotten from 3-9. Bad, but enjoyable little films. Sure I had heard the
"buzz" on how this one was better. New and Improved. Total Reinvention of
the franchise. But I had also heard that Jason was in space. Come on. Were
Leprechaun 4 and Critters 4 new and improved just because they were in
space? That was my mind frame going in....
...going out it was, "Holy shit! That was funny...but oddly, damn good."
You see the people involved in this film were smart in my opinion. They
realized that there was no way in hell they could unleash a new Jason film to the 00's film going public and expect them to be scared by it. It's just
wasn't going to happen. Especially when you toss your character in space. So what do they do? They ham it up to the extreme. They make it a giant orgy
throwback to the eighties horror film. The good old slasher films that all
tried to one up each other with cool kill scenes. (The cool head exploding
basketball scene in "Deadly Friend". "Chopping Mall" Anyone.) This film
does those proud. There are so many insanely kick ass death scenes in this film
that never let up. What I'm trying to say, and not very well as I'm sure
I'll hear, is that this film does not take it self seriously, and that was
the best possible thing it could have done...
...On to the plot. It's there. But does it really matter? That's not why
you're gonna see this film. You're gonna see this film for Kane Hodder
laying it down as Jason. For the really cool VR stuff. But I'll give you
the basic run down that you've heard in every single one of the Jason X
reviews that have been posted thus far...
...It's been years and years and Jason is locked up in "Camp Crystal Lake
Research Facility". The government has tried killing him time and time
again. He's been gassed, shot, electrocuted, forced to wait for MORIARTY'S 90's list. Nothing's worked. So they've decided to freeze him until they can come up with a solution. Of course it doesn't quite work out the way they planned and chaos ensues. It's now many, many years later and frozen Jason has been found and taken on board of a space ship where he thaws out at the first sign of teens having sex. Let the enormous amount of killing began....
...I'll be honest with you. It's been about two weeks since I saw the film
and I can't remember a single character name or even what they look like.
(Except for that really hot blonde one). What I do remember though is how
much fun I had at this screening. This film was done by fans who love the
series and it really shows. The team behind this film took great pride in
tossing in homage after homage to some of the 'Classic' moments in the
series, and giving us fans a bad ass Jason. If you don't dig the previous
Jason films, you're probably going to like this one less then "Jason Goes
To Hell", but if you're a fan, this is the Jason film you most likely have
been waiting for...
....There's only one thing that really concerns me about this film. It's
going to be a bitch to market and sell. Is it going to be marketed as a
horror film with 'thrills and chills", or as a comedy? Sure your core
group of Hodder Heads is going to come out in droves, but what about the Teens
who didn't grow up on Jason films? They're the ones you need in the theater.
They're the ones you need to convince that Friday The 13th films rule. And
ultimately they're the ones that New Line needs to make a profit off this
film. I hope they figure it out because I love this film and I really want
to see "Freddy Vs. Jason"...
...I'd like to end this review on a more serious note. See, this year I
was suppose to take part in the Jerry Lewis Telethon...but for some reason
they didn't deem a four foot midget with a liking for CENTER STAGE "special
enough". What the fuck ever. Those of you who know me know that I am
"special" enough. Even the ladies know that. I hear it from them everyday,
"Ewww get away from me you retard". My point is this. For me this year,
Butt Numb-A-Thon 2 is my telethon. But it's kinda of the reverse of the Jerry
Lewis one. In order to get there I need pledges. I'm a broke ass dwarf. I
know this is really sad and pathetic of me. But any help would be good
karma. And for you good people lucky enough to attend this years festival,
Have you ever scene a four foot midget drop kick someone? You will when me
and Disturbed throw down....
The portal to the Land Of The Little People
P.S. Center Stage is now out on video. Go rent this underrated gem!
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+ Expand All
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Nope, still can't get worked up about this film. I gave up when it got to Jason Takes Manhattan. (Or should that be Jason Actually Spends No More Than Five Minutes Of The Film In Manhattan, Most Of That Being In The Sewers.) Just bring on Freddy v. Jason, 'cos this one's gonna suck big style.
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I hope this movie gets a theatrical release in the UK. I'm massive Jason fan but have yet to see him carving up the big screen in my tiny ol' country!!! This one sounds like it's gonna be a real big hit so here's hoping...
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Alright Im sorry. I know I mock this guy everytime he writes a review, but the thought of a 4 foot midget wiggling and actually enjoying 'Centerstage' is enough to keep me in stiches. And now he's asking for money? BWAAAAAAAAhahahahha...
Anyways, About the film. Yeah, I may end up seeing this. If its campy enough. I didn't care for most Jason films cause I always thought they tried too hard to be something they aren't.. But who knows..
-dash101 out. -
wow! that last paragraph was infused with patheticitude!
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Okay, this will suck. This will suck ! This will SUCK !!! How hard can it be to figure this out ?! Do you all need signs from God ??? I mean COME ON PEOPLE !!! Does anyone remeber the last friday the 13th outing ? How it was supposed to re-invent the Jason franchise ? How odd that they seem to totally ignore it now. Anyone wanna lay some bets that Jason X is going to be ignored when part 11 comes hobbling around on it's well worn feet ? The franchise ended with part 4 and kind of sputtered along to a full stop with part 5. Anything made after part 5 was ridiculously bad and made by people who had no idea how to keep a modicum of tension and scares in a film. They kind of forgot that the previous instalments (while hardly classics) nevertheless relied on somewhat INTERESTING characters doing stuff and living actual lives for 90% of the film and *then* having Jason show up. Part 6 and up relied on people hanging around with the word VICTIM stamped on their foreheads and showing long boring shots of Jason walking around. With every sequel seeming to get dumber and dumber, and less effort and money being put into them. If they keep this up they won't need a rating for the next film. Just a suggested IQ (something around 75 would do) needed to be able to enjoy the damn thing.
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Nov 16, 2000 9:26:47 AM CST
In the realm of great movie monsters, Jason falls short
by cooler-than-thou
Don't get me wrong, I like a few of the Friday the 13th movies and I will no doubt see Jason X but compared to the others, Jason's a sissy. Freddy Krueger and Micheal Myers are both better villians because they are intelligent. Unlike Voorhies, they lure their respective prey into traps that will result in a brutal death. Now what the fuck has Jason done in the past? Walk after a couple of horny idiots that suffer from blue balls so badly that they trip over shit, thus allowing him the opportunity he needs to crush in their skulls. Or he just stalks around a campsite (like a pervert) waiting till he spots a couple of young, nubile teens slapping skin before he moves in for the kill. Which reminds me of that scene where he picks up the girl in that sleeping bag and slams her into a tree repeatedly was pretty fucking funny. It looked like he was trying to clean out a rug. Anyway, Jason just isn't as formidable as Krueger and Myers. Hell, I think if you stuck Jason in a room with enough of Romero's zombies, he'd be torn apart. Which would make for a funny sequel. All of the zombies shit out the remains of Jason, only to give the Crystal Lake menace form once again...Jason part 12, Rise of the new Golgathian!
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Nov 16, 2000 10:46:14 AM CST
Space...ok.. and rabid, psalm spewin' monkeys might fly outta my
by ohmygoddesssux
First of all, let me just say... WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING? As our little friend who reviewed the movie stated, (wait.. am I allowed to call them "little"?) one would think the idea of dragging a kick-mucho-booti-o movie bad guy into space would not only obliterate Jason's chances of getting another sequel, but also a date. I mean, come on, even Drew Barrymore wouldn't touch him after a stinkbomb like that. And we all know about that little vixen...*ahem* not from personal experience or anything...(note to self, get std test results back today). I simply feel that Jason deserves something a bit cooler than going into movie history bombing out the same way that adorable little green irish chap did. You, know.."Whar's me gold! Whar's me gold! Me little sheenanies are freezin." Hey, it's pretty cold in space, or so I'm told. I say, let Jason run amok on a nudist camp. What could be funnier than seeing Jason amist a nude volleyball game? Ok, so maybe that would be disturbing, but hey, scary is scary. Or even in an old house that was, itself, haunted. Now that would be coo'. To wrap it all up, Jason + space = "where did I leave that cianide?" Jason + nudist camp= "where did I leave that KY?"
The choice is yours. -
I wrote a cracking piece about this subject....but it ended up on the "Scooby Doo" talkback! What the fuck !!!!
!What did Karloff do as Frankenstein apart from lurch around the countryside scaring and killing people, albeit accidentally ? What did Lugosi and Lee do as Dracula, apart from lurk in ruined buildings and bite people ? What did Chaney Jnr do as the Wolfman other that scamper about, killing people ? What did Chaney Jnr do as The Mummy, other than stagger around frightening people ?
What does Hodder do as Jason? He stalks and he kills...with no reason, no motive, no remorse. His body language, something sadly lacking in the previous Jason actors, tells you without a doubt that Jason is the biggest, baddest S.O.B. ever to crawl out of a grave. Hodder as Jason is the logical successor to Karloff as Frankenstein. He can act THROUGH the mask and the make-up, and long may he reign at the top of the mainstream horror industry. -
Did you just say that Hodder acts through the mask? You're kidding, right? Let me have some of the drugs you take when watching these peice of shit movies. The only ones w/really any redemption are 4 and 5 and that is b/c they had a ton of nudity. I'll take Elm Street (aside from 2), Halloween, hell even Scream, ahed of this series. Unless there are full fontal/penetraition shots of the hot women in it. I would rather set my money on fire than see this.
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Seriously. I'd give you two bucks and buy you lunch from the laundry room vending machines. Too bad they only sell laundry soap.***On a nicer note, I have to tell you that I almost rented "Center Stage" the other day in your honor. Did you get the DVD? Did you do commentary for the DVD?
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Dude, I can live off of soap. Seriously. But, I don't know if I could handle cleaning your apartment. I mean, all those posters of the pepsi girl you have on your walls are scary....You should rent Center Stage, but don't do it for me. Do it for the pure joy and ecstasy you will recieve by watching the film. I promise you this; You'll laugh with Glee at the plot point that involoves the anorexic chick eating pizza, and stand up and cheer when the Mandy Moore song blares from your TV.
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Thanks!!
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In decades to come, Hodder's Jason will be as hailed as Karloff's Frankenstein. Ask yourselves which of McFarlane's "Movie Maniacs" series was the hottest selling....and why. Sorry guys, I think that time'll prove me right on this one.
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Once again, up there w/Frankenstein? I will admit that Jason could have a his fans b/c of his relentless pursuit of his victims, plus, he did have the cool mask. However, there is a big difference btw kind of being cool to a group of twentysomethings that have extra cash to shell out for action figures and being classic. Also, I say again. How much acting is there in that? ANYONE with the same build could do the EXACT same thing.
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Wasn't Brandon Lee as "The Crow" the best-selling Movie Maniac? Friday the 13th has sucked since the third one. Let Jason die.
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Jeez, I wish......I'm way older than that. I believe that the bloody version of Jason was the best selling "Maniac" and has had to be re-issued several times due to demand.
As to the poster who said that anyone could play the part, take alook at parts 2-6 where it literally WAS any stuntman, then take a look at the portrayal when Hodder takes over.....the difference is as great as the difference between Karloff as Frankenstein and Glenn Strange in the same role. -
Nov 16, 2000 5:40:48 PM CST
Okay, I Admitt JASON X Has Strived To Carry Out His Father's Ide
by buzz maverik
...but does he deserve an entire movie. Spike Lee's film, with Denzel Washington as Jason's father, was a superb piece of filmmaking. Both film and star were robbed at Oscar time. But c'mon. Did Oliver Stone make JFK JR.? Hell no. Will Denzel star in a film as Roderick "Silent Fart" Carter, Rueben's son. No way. Jason X is just a guy doing what he thinks is right for his people. I have read that he's not cooperating with this film and that he hopes kids won't start wearing those "X" hats again.
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Now hold on one second here. I just want to make a point about Friday the 13th and whether or not it has outlived its welcome or whatever. For Halloween this year I went and rented some of the old movies (nothing after part 4, thank you very much, I mean gimme a fuckin' break it was called THE FINAL CHAPTER) and you know what? They fuckin' ROCK. Now I know I am either preaching to the choir here or blowing hot air to people who are just gonna slag whatever positive thing someone might have to say about films they genuinely like (i.e. most Talkbackers) but goddammit I thought they were effective even in this post-modern-post-Scream-post-Scary Movie post-whatever-world-we're -living-in-now-world. I mean if you think about it there is something simple and effective about some guy wearing a goddamn hockey mask (!?) who is going to come kill you in the woods because he is a puritanical anti-sex freak. Like, HOLY FUCK! You know what I'm saying? FUCK, that's scary! ...Don't get me wrong, I'm fine that they went and made a movie about Jason in Space because, wow, that's fuckin' nuts, and I'm always down for stuff that's fuckin' nuts. Plus anything that gets us one step closer to Friday the 13th part 13 (to be released the 13th Friday the 13th in the 13th month of the year 2013, knock on wood) is OK in my book. But all I'm saying is, fuck, there ain't nothing wrong with a couple of teenagers going out to Camp Crystal Lake to smoke pot and have sex and get killed in totally fuckin' crazy ways by an undead mutant freak who comes out of the lake that he drowned in 20 years ago.
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I dunno, perhaps I should just go to my video store & rent pt 1 twice? I'm with Stinger; I stopped watching after The Final Chapter. I totally cracked up when I realized they were making a part 10 (part TEN, for God's sake! Somewhere out there there are awesome screenplays dying due to lack of funds....sigh) Anyway, Flmlvr has peaked my curiosity (okay, my love of a high body count) and I may have to see this one if only to kick myself in the head for being an idiot later. Small point time: can we stop with the horrid rants on poor Flmlvr? He's just giving us what we want - scoop on genre films. Hey, I don't know about you, but I lept on his review like a rabid dog....Give the guy a break. Send in more scoop, flmlvr, I'll read.
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