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Disturbed takes a look at two wonderful unknown scripts! Desperate studio' Hungry for quality' Click Here!!

Hey all, Harry here with Disturbed's Script Mine... Now, you might remember that Disturbed is our resident digger of scripts... the guy that goes through those unproduced, unrepped, unknown screenplays from regular folks like YOU... then finds the cream... and we give em INK... Now, what with the writer's strike and acting strike on the brink of our lives... Hollywood has been fairly addle-minded with some of the nonsense that it has decided to pick up... SNAKES ON A PLANE, THE LAZY DETECTIVE are just a pair that surface to mind. Well, we here at AICN believe we can find better.... So Disturbed is on a neverending mission for the good of humanity... finding scripts that you folks in Hollywood SHOULD HAVE FOUND.... Screenwriters that YOU SHOULD KNOW.... and we being the progressive backslappers we are... wish the writers the best of luck. After Disturbed's first column... all of the mentioned screenwriters were contacted by a bevy of agents and production companies.... Did they make a sale? I don't know, but it was that group of writers first break... their first chance to have that voice on the phone and someone wanting THEM to SEND THEM their script.... not the other way around. So folks... if you think you've GOT it, send it to Disturbed... we'll see what we can do....

Hey there, all.

I opened my trusty EditPad an hour ago, and haven't written a word until now. I walked away from it. I ate some lunch. I thought about how to subtlely include the plugs and such that I wanted to...well, I give up. There are a couple things I want to plug, and if I just make certain key words links, you'll all recognize them as plugs right away anyway, so I'm just going to do it straight out. I want to plug , for whom I have just begun writing reviews. I also want to plug Kaiju Big Battel which is definitely of geek interest. Check it out.

All right, enough of that nonsense.

I've finally finished, and I've got the two best scripts I was sent sitting on my desk beside me. I'd like to mention that all four of the writers from the first column recieved script requests from agents and prodcos. I hope that this column can help out struggling writers, and I hope that the column grows so that I get even more, and better scripts.

Oddly enough, both of the scripts feature angels, but are very different.

Here we go.


By Macon Blair

To be honest, when I read the note accompanying this script I wasn't looking forward to it particularly much. FX heavy? The capitol city of hell? Eh.

So I put off reading it for a while, and when I finally did I found that it was actually good. Funny, tongue-in-cheek, and fairly bizarre. I got a distinct 80's vibe from this script, but I'm not sure why. Possibly the inescapable use of good old makeup effects instead of an overload of CG (though there would certainly be CGI involved.)

Bill was a private detective in life, and he was damned good. He was so good that he ignored his wife until the day she was killed, at which time Bill took his own life. Suicide automatically gets you a ticket to Hell, while his wife is in Heaven. Bummer.

Hell is populated by humans and various sorts of demons. Humans live there, they have jobs, they have apartments, they have lives. Just not pleasant ones. Demons are around as government workers, cops, and roommates. Everyone has a mandatory demon roommate. Basically, the job of a Demon is to be a major asshole to all the humans. Bill's roommate likes to draw on the picture of his wife Allie that he keeps hidden, amongst many other things. The idea is that there is reincarnation within Hell. You take your licks, don't screw up, eventually "die" and move on to a nicer part of Hell. Eventually to Heaven.

Bill is contacted by a demon named Mary D'Metre and asked to do some detective work for her. Seems Lucifer has been acting awfully strange lately, so much so that there's talk of mutiny among the ranks, and she'd like to get to the bottom of it. So if he helps, she offers to move him uphill to a nice part of Hellcity. Even waive the roommate.

So, of course, he accepts. He not only uncovers what's going on with Big Lou, but the seeds of an anarchist human movement, and eventually gets himself on the road to redemption.

This script is...pretty out there. It's funny, bizarre, has a few pretty nice action scenes. The main drawback is it would cost a fortune to give it really nice production values. Still, worth mention on here.

Contact Information:

Macon Blair

462 3rd St. #4R
Brooklyn, NY 11215



Screenplay by Adam McDaniel

Story by Adam McDaniel & Charlie Stickney

The thing that stuck with me from this script is how visually it's written. I could picture almost every shot. I can imagine it being shot very cold, with lots of whites, rather like The Sixth Sense was.

The script opens in 1977 with a five year old boy named Micah's parents being killed when a train hits their car. Micah is on a stretcher, in real bad shape. He's fading away. A little girl makes her way through the crowd, seemingly unseen. She kisses Micah's forehead. His eyes snap open and he takes a deep breath.

The story resumes in the present, with Micah stuck in an office job he hates. Fairly familiar territory between Fight Club, American Beauty and Office Space, but still done with humor. Micah is miserable. He dreams of things like beating himself to death with a whiffle ball bat. He's pretty without hope. He decides to kill himself. Thing is, he screws it up. Coltan, Death's messenger (Death is a busy guy, after all) is waiting for Micah in the living room. Micah had been scheduled to duy at a specific time, and he's still alive. Coltan gives him a specific time to kill himself the next day. Death has a busy schedule.

From there it gets a bit more complicated, involving Micah's uncle who raised him, a deaf little boy named Tobey, and Micah's guardian angel, Christine. I felt the script sort of lost steam toward the end...I think it needs a rewrite with a dose of some more of the humor so present in the first, say, two thirds of the script, but I enjoyed it a lot. It blends poignance and humor quite well. A very good script.

Contact Information:

501 E. Verdugo Ave. #2
Burbank, CA 91501


And that's it. Only two this time, that's the way it goes I guess. I didn't quite get as many submissions this time as last due to eliminating the email submission option. Hopefully with the news that the first batch of writers got inquiries, I'll recieve more this time.

As before, no email submissions allowed as it's just too much of a hassle, not to mention hard on the eyes. I'd suggest making sure your script is registered with the WGA before sending it to anyone.

I'd like it if you include just a short note with a summary so I know what to expect, but I won't make that a requirement.

Submissions can be sent to:
Disturbed's Script Mine
12633 Woodside Falls Rd.
Pineville, NC 28134

As always you can reach me at

I'm off to finally finish reading Donnie Darko... And then Adaptation, which arrived yesterday. Mmm.


Readers Talkback
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  • And besides, it's always been one of my pet peeves that more movies aren't set in Hell. No, seriously. We've seen a million and one visions of future and past eras on film, but we never get a good and interesting Hell. "Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey" had its moments, but... I say turn this flick over to some hungry up-and-coming director (think David O. Russell) and provide some solid f/x funds (but not enough to let him get indulgent). I'd shell out some greenbacks for a movie like that. Not sold on the second concept mentioned though - too vague a description. Howsabout injecting these script reviews with some dialogue clips from specific scenes? You can say a movie's funny and poignant, but without a little more to go on, how are we supposed to get hyped about it?

  • Nov. 6, 2000, 7:20 a.m. CST

    A demon roommate...

    by Human Tornado

    This is an idea that works by itself! Endless possibilities here. Just shows how brilliant this thing is. As far as Hell goes, the best one I've seen so far is South Park's.

  • Nov. 6, 2000, 7:46 a.m. CST

    Holy Crap

    by CrapHole

    Holy Crap they both seem interesting...I would go watch both..or say I would, but instead I would go rent them months later.

  • Nov. 6, 2000, 8:42 a.m. CST

    Jeez, you're right...

    by Di

    I shouldn't have made fun of you, Seven 11, for not using punctuation and coming off as an all-around drooling twit. No hard feelings, eh? I no longer think it's pathetic that you've harbored this silly grudge against me. You go on posting about me, and I'm sure the rest of the talkbackers will see what a bastard I am, and how brilliant you are, and rally behind you to bring me down from my shining ivory tower, where I while away the hours belittling the undeserving, and puffing myself up about how much better I am than everyone else. So you rally the troops. I'll just watch from over here, ok?

  • Nov. 6, 2000, 12:16 p.m. CST

    Seven 11

    by X-P.A.

    Huh? Wha?

  • Nov. 6, 2000, 1:13 p.m. CST

    Woh, what the hell is going on here?

    by Baba Reily

    Hey seven 11 did you send a script in and disturbed didn't like it? Is that the problem? I mean can't we all just get along for the love of Christ?

  • Nov. 6, 2000, 1:15 p.m. CST

    Seven 11 has a point, if he is a bit too eccentric about it

    by CyclopticJackass

    Disturbed, seriously man. Find something else to dog on people about other than typos, misuse of punctuation, or lack of punctuation. You're the one who is feeding the image of you in your ivory tower by doing shit like that. You're obviously a smart guy, who knows his stuff and has some obvious writing talent. So use it in a productive manner rather than being a shithead.

  • Nov. 6, 2000, 1:45 p.m. CST

    I hate being ragged about by punctuation too, but !

    by HorrorBiz777

    See guys, if you don't use correct punctuation, if you don't pay attention to verb usage or stuff like that, you will NEVER get a movie made because no agent will READ it. Might as well send the script written on the back of a pack of cigarettes or on cocktail napkins. How do you expect to be taken seriously if you don't have the courtesy to format your work properly ????? I know it sucks, but it also sucks to have to read something written "Kre8tvly" have a little common sense and respect for the person you're sending the stuff to. Now, rough drafts, anything goes. That's fine. You should see mine. But final drafts should look like someone with more than a grade 6 education wrote it. And by the way, I *NEVER* took an english class in my life, I learned to write in english by being so damn stubborn and keeping at it until I did it right, so no "I didn't lurn gewd in skool" BS please. There's no excuse for bad writing. You wanna call yourself a writer, learn to friggin spell. I don't like having to do it anymore than you, but I do like to be taken seriously. So I do it. I don't whine and moan saying "it's not fair !". The agent ain't my mommy. He doesn't ply fair and he doesn't give a f*ck about me, if he can't even read my stuff he'll throw it in the garbage and move on to the next script. He won't lose a minute of sleep over it. So if you don't learn to write like a pro, then bitch no one reads your stuff, I won't lose any sleep over you. HB777

  • Nov. 6, 2000, 2:51 p.m. CST

    Oh I completely agree that punctuation is a necessity

    by CyclopticJackass

    Like the title states man, I agree with you. I just don't think that people need to be crucified for having some incorrect usage incidents or something like that.

  • Nov. 6, 2000, 3:43 p.m. CST

    The 'duy' spelling of 'die' makes me giggle though.

    by LSHB

    Hooked on Phonics?

  • Nov. 6, 2000, 4:57 p.m. CST


    by Di

    Cycloptic - I agree, I'm not really a nitpicker (unless all in good fun,) but Seven11 notoriously uses absolutely no punctuation. Like this: Man I think this movie will be really good last week I went to the mall and they wouldn't hire me for a job 'cause I couldn't fill out the application right well FOOK them man that reminds me of this movie I think this will be so kickass... You get the idea. So once I said he was "kind of a moron." He's harbored this big grudge ever since. Go figure. To the guy whose name is four letters that I don't remember, who posted at the bottom - Yeah, I noticed that as soon as it was posted and I read through it. Heh. Dammit.

  • Nov. 6, 2000, 5:17 p.m. CST

    I'm Sure Disturbed Meant To Include My Buddy Todd Van Dorn's Scr

    by Buzz Maverik

    It's the story of a con man who sells his soul to the devil in exchange for six-pack abs and buns of steel. But it turns out that it wasn't the con man's soul he was selling, it was he schnook kid brother's soul. So both Satan and the brother are screwed. The brother teams up with the devil to trick the con man into giving up his own soul. It's a buddy film, kind of a cross between RUSH HOUR and THE EXORCIST.

  • "Hellcity" sounds just like "What Dreams May Come", which just edges out "Nothing But Trouble" as the worst waste of cinematic talent in film history. That film was full of new age swill, disguised as intelligent meditations on theology and spirituality. What a joke. In order for this film to work, it better stick to some non-religious story, like Little Nicky, or something. The second film does sound like The Sixth Sense, which reminds me, M Night said he discovered a secret to making blockbuster films that only Steven Speilberg knows. It's CHILDREN. Put a major child role in your film, increase the take immediately, so my money's on the second one.

  • Nov. 6, 2000, 5:42 p.m. CST

    I know what you mean, Disturbed.

    by CyclopticJackass

    Just because I don't think people need to be nailed to a cross for lack of punctuation, some people take it to an extreme. SOME punctuation is absolutely necessary, just for displaying the coherence of your thoughts in order for other people to read. This is really a stupid topic for someone to get pissed over....just use a comma and a period every now and then guys. No big deal.

  • Nov. 6, 2000, 6:11 p.m. CST

    Erm... on the subject...

    by The Gline

    Not a bad pair of stories from the look of it. Certainly a tad more intriguing than the usual dreck. Is Disturbed going to do "conceptual" sweeps, where he gives a concept or a genre and tries to solicit scripts that expland the scope of said premise(s)? That would be interesting....

  • Nov. 6, 2000, 6:21 p.m. CST

    Defending the world from punctuation!

    by Captain Run-0n

    [Note: The legions of fans of Captain Run-0n demanded this post in light of the prevalent topic of this talkback] Thank you for your assistance in the fight against punctuation and correct grammar seven11, you will be rewarded with a potato carved in the shape of Jeff Goldblum's cerebellum for your bravery and funny posting but the point is valid that scripts and any other writing for public consumption should be composed with proper spelling and grammar or else you will look like a complete fool unless you are Captain Run-0n, because the grammatical error is kinda the point for me so remember, if we ALL vote Nader it won't be a vote for Bush or Gore, it'll be a vote for Nader [disclaimer: Captain Run-0n is not affiliated with any political party he just wants to see Bush and Gore lose because they're both pretty lame] and you can flame me all you want but just remember that I am Captain Run-0n, and the response will be deadly, pointless, and extremely verbose- that is all.

  • Nov. 6, 2000, 7:40 p.m. CST


    by spi3lb3rg

    I'm an aspiring writer/director. Could somebody please inform me of what the WGA is, how I could register my screenplays with them, and any other info they think would be of use? Thanks.

  • Nov. 6, 2000, 9:10 p.m. CST

    If you nitpickin' pickaninnies are done whining about English...

    by Judge Mental

    "HELL CITY" sounds damn good. I read Dante's "Inferno" in highschool and it's always been one of my favorite books. I agree with whoever said that there should definitely be more movies about Hell; the potential for satire is huge in that setting. (think Simpsons & Futurama) Also, the notion that Hell is pretty much just like the average painful life on Earth, where The Man keeps everybody down --That's f'n brilliant. I hope that there's a studio somewhere hip enough to make this and make it well.

  • Nov. 7, 2000, 1:53 a.m. CST

    Were these scripts written by Harry's mates too?

    by JackBurton

    Just like the ones in previous stories...just wondering.

  • Nov. 8, 2000, 10:30 a.m. CST


    by HarrysGreenShoes

    Kudos Macon. Alexandria strikes again. madness madness madness

  • Nov. 8, 2000, 2:13 p.m. CST

    About those Screenplays...

    by Tom Sutpen

    Can there be any worse fate awaiting these budding-Screenwriters than the army of desperate agents, Producers and assembled Movie-Folk just waiting to swoop down like the unregenerate Vultures that they are and snap up these Screenplays (for peanuts, probably). It may come to pass that authors of the works just previewed here are about to learn the most terrible lesson of their lives. Imagine this all too likely scenario: Some rapacious, bloodthirsty, Post-Literate Agent or Producer, driven by the desire to get something (ANYTHING) on the Market, logs on to AICN, reads the foregoing encomium for these Screenplays and, out of impulses he or she can never name, decides to 'Make Them an Offer'. Let us say that the writers will be lowballed to Death, enter into a deal with these Jackals; a deal whose disadvantages to the Writers will only be discovered when its too late to repair the damage. Now, it will come to pass that their Work, their Progeny is well and truly out of their hands and very firmly in the hands of individuals to whom their labors are just another piece of Product to be dealt with the way you deal with leftover food: They'll either Eat It or Throw It Away. These Screenwriters can only sit back and watch in abject Horror as their work enters the Hollywood Production Meat Grinder, where it is almost certain to be mangled, rewritten (by William Goldman, no doubt) or subject to the whims of someone WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU OR YOUR LIFE'S WORK. If you get a Production deal, get set for more Heartbreak than you ever imagined. My advice: If you care about what you've written, stay the hell away from Hollywood (for now) and try somehow to get the Movie Produced ON YOUR OWN TERMS. I wish you both the best of luck.