I don’t mind saying that you’re really not prepared for the sheer effusive love that you’re going to unleash towards your glowy screens tonight when you see the season premiere, directed by Sam Raimi and starring the one and only Bruce Campbell as Ashley ‘ASH’ Williams.
I got an email from STARZ saying ASH VS EVIL DEAD’s first two episodes where arriving in my mailbox, about 3 weeks ago. Then, it took an additional 9 days till it arrived. That night, I watched it 3 times. There are writers out there that think it doesn’t make any sense, but they’ve got their heads lodged so far up their asses they’re peeking out their belly button. That first episode “EL JEFE” by Sam Raimi is establishing the current universe for Ash. Since he returned to the real world, it looks like ASH has been living up life as much as he can as a Stock Boy… so he’s living in a Streamline Trailer, has a collared lizard to keep him company. He’s put on a gut, but vainly sausages it in with a girdle. He’s a womanizer, seemingly quite successful, naturally - he’s fucking ASH. He’s got a swagger and the cockiness of a man that has seen and done things no other known man in the universe ever has. Folks - remember who Ash is. He’ll survive at all costs. He’s paid his debt in flesh and you’d think something like what we’ve seen ASH go through would wise him up… but… ASH, though Cocky… well, he’s as sharp as a toddler’s spoon.
I love him, but there’s no denying he’s a massive lumbering dunderhead with CHARISMA that would make Christ a follower. Now - I’m thinking about this - and I don’t want to do a big ol massive primitive screwhead mistake of just spoiling it all - or even a little. But… There’s prosthetic make up, stop-motion, CGI blood, real old fashioned movie makeup blood, physical Stoogian nightmare stunt work.
If you have trouble following this first episode, I just don’t know what is possibly wrong with you. I’ve shown the first two episodes to my nephew and his best friend - they fucking flipped. I showed this to a most badass Television professional I know, who walked away feeling it was the best pilot he had ever seen, I showed it to a Comic Professional & Video Game Designer who left his brain dripping down the front of the glass of STRANGERS ON A TRAIN poster behind the couch.
In this first episode, you’re going to discover why the EVIL DEAD is back, for the first time - you’ll see the various wickedness of the Evil Dead spiritcunts unleashed in a more completely realized world. ASH isn’t in a Cabin, nor is he in that future hell dimension… You know that wondrous quirky camerawork - with the camera running around on an end of a board and just going through whatever the fuck it wants… That’s back. And it’s so fucking cool to see it outside of the woods. EVIL is where ASH goes. It follows in his wake. It’ll even occupy… well, if you’ve seen that first 4 minutes, you know what I’m talking about. If not, just wait for it.
The opening is quite silly and quite a bit perverse - and it throws ASH into - a mission. You see, ASH just wants to stay ahead of EVIL and put it back in its bottle. That’s his plan - and you’re well aware of just how well ASH’s plans typically go. You’ll be introduced to his Sancho Panza, and yes there is a creepy Windmill in case you need it - but that’s in Episode 2. ASH’s Sancho is named Pablo Bolivar - and he is wonderfully played by Ray Santiago.
You’ll be introduced to a Police Detective (played wonderfully by Jill Marie Jones!) that seems to be something important to the Deadite Spirits. In this first episode, for me, the scariest sequence involves her. We don’t know if she can handle herself. If she has the tenacity & bullheaded arrogance required to deal with the Evil Dead.
We’ll briefly meet Lucy Lawless’ RUBY - and in the press notes it tells me more about her character than we’re getting - and just let me say, I can’t wait to see how that plays out - and if there’ll be some fun flashbacks in her tale telling. I’m very curious to see her unveiled!
Then there’s the hot tough girl that Pablo swoons for and that ASH has targeted for magnificent conquest, but he’d rather be a loner, I mean, generally if you are in the company of ASH, you’re not long for this world. Hell, I saw Bruce Campbell at WIZARD WORLD today - and I just got to say - he’s looking fucking fantastic.
That’s something that’ll blow your mind in this show. In fact, there’s a part of me that just will never understand why this hasn’t been going on for the past 23 years!
I was in my teens when I discovered EVIL DEAD II, then immediately tracked down EVIL DEAD - and I had to fucking wait for ARMY OF DARKNESS. Then…. 23 years. Once upon a time as ASH chopped up his girlfriend at the original Alamo Drafthouse, I was under the projection room in the Keg storage area of the Drafthouse being interviewed by Bruce Campbell for his FANALYSIS documentary that was released in that first Necronomicon DVD edition - ages ago. At the time, I got a severed hand that Father Geek and I had made look like the most desiccated human hand ever.
Watching EVIL DEAD 2 for the first time… It transformed the possibilities of HORROR for me. It made the camera wild. Evil could possess the camera! Sure, we’d seen through Michael Myers’ eyes, but he lumbers about. The Evil Dead Spirit - will ram a camera through fucking trees and doors and walls to get fucking ASH. We know this. We celebrate it.
If you’re not this kind of EVIL DEAD fan, you sure as fuck oughta be.
For me, I love ASH the way I love Roy Scheider’s Sheriff Brody. The way I love Sigourney Weaver’s Ellen Ripley. The way I love Jason Miller’s Father Karras and even the way I love Bruce Cabot’s John Driscoll!
But ya know… I feel incredibly precious about my love of Bruce Campbell’s ASH. He makes me laugh till I cry while freaking me the fuck out. He’s a working class anti-hero trying to save the world - and kicking so much metric ass than The University of Texas’ Stampede could calculate.
The only thing that would rival my precious love for Bruce Campbell’s ASH, would be if Peter Jackson finally rededicated himself to the one thing he was born to do… which is be Derek in a new A-level series of astronomic carnage in PLANET OF THE BASTARDS - an epic sprawling science fiction slaughterverse that I’ve been waiting for since the year my wife was born… patiently. Biding my time for Derek to complete his intergalactic journey, like Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher… aging naturally, until it is time to unleash Derek upon the Bastards of the Universe. Hell, BASTARDS OF THE UNIVERSE is a fuck load better than MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE… AND THEN SOME!
Ok… That was totally inspired by the storm raging outside, I get terribly distracted and excited with electron charged air romping through my lungs and making me giddy. Plus… it’s fucking Halloween! And Bruce Campbell is in my town in some Ivory Tower watching the city wash away!!! Knowing full well these Deadite Spirits pissing upon us puny Austinites this early Halloween morning… well, those Pissers are gonna hide up in those clouds, lest they face the wrath of Ash and his fucking BOOMSTICK!
So, Sam Raimi’s EL JEFE episode will give you goosebumps, you’ll high five your friends, you’ll get shitfaced on White Wine and Drugs and do things this Halloween you never thought you’d do and you’ll probably regret it, but you’ll still be the epic sonuvabitch you own up to being! That’s what ASH gives you. A swagger that needs to team up with fucking JACK BURTON!!! Can you fucking imagine that majesty?
Mind Blown.
Just imagine Jack Burton running the PorkChop Express into a TruckStop of Deadite HellSpawn…
So then, I had the blessed option of watching episode two - and the only spoiler I’ll tell you is that it picks up EXACTLY where this first episode ends. It’s directed by Michael Bassett (SOLOMON KANE!!!) - and I absolutely love that episode. Imagine… GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER with fucking ASH! Try. Go on, Try! Now cast Mimi Rogers in it! SO FUCKING GREAT!
I’m dying for episode 3. I want to be able to gorge watch these first 10 episodes multiple times. We’re getting a 5 hour ASH VS EVIL DEAD movie this year… and fucking next year… and may it run longer than THE SIMPSONS!
The possibilities for this show could go crazy. We’ve already seen things we haven’t seen in the three films we’ve seen in these first two episodes, but you should know, ASH is very definitely the CENTRAL CHARACTER. He’s El Jefe, the fucking man - and when you see him battling Deadites and attempting to be smooth… you just may shed a tear and grow a new hair upon that chest of yours.
The quotable lines are great…. even just hearing ASH let out with a “FUCK” in a way that’s all Bruce! So great!
Get ready - you’re in for one electrifyingly good time tonight on STARZ! And may a storm play through you’re 10th viewing as it did mine tonight! Only the most primitive screw heads will reject this… and if they do, like Crom, they can go to hell! Me, I’m going to be watching the fuck out this show with the biggest shit-eating grin you ever did see on this fat face of mine!
THIS IS MY CUP OF JOE, MY GOLDEN FLEECE, MY MALTESE FALCON, MY ROSEBUD! It’s been a long 23 year epic voyage of life for all of us fans, but folks… this is THE PROMISED LAND! Frolic and breed future watchers so that the ratings increase every time your future children move out! This is important epic gargantuan awesome here! And it’s playing on HALLOWEEN NIGHT for you to remember this night for the rest of your days! How sweet it is!
