THE CELL review

THE CELL

I have been having email all weekend long begging me to see and to review THE CELL.

I have loved the trailers. The screenwriter Mark Protosevich is one of the writers that I have heralded as one of the most shat upon writers in the biz because of his various trials and tribulations on his fantastic adaptation of I AM LEGEND... a script filled with character, where the effects needed are there solely to enhance the story.... not to be the purpose of the story. Tarsem? I have little to no opinion about the man going in. He’s made pretty music videos and pretty commercials...

From the trailers I never had a doubt that this film would have some visually arresting imagery. My hope for the film was that Protosevich had laid down a script with the character nuance that his I AM LEGEND showed... and that Tarsem, who had talented actors like Vincent D’Onofrio, Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Lopez, would allow his actors to find and bring their characters to life.

I purposefully have continued to not read Moriarty’s review of THE CELL, as... well, I read his reviews after I see a movie... not before. However, from peripheral email campaigns... I am to understand that he said something along the lines that the director of THE CELL should be drug out into the street and then beaten until dead.

Now... Let’s examine the crimes that Tarsem has committed as a first time filmmaker....

He has created one of the most gorgeous works of masturbatory self-important pompous loads of excrement I have seen. The film is pretty. But so is a disco ball when laser beams and colored lights gleam across it’s surface.

Tarsem has created a film that has moments where as a googily eyed fanboy, I go... Coool... but dear god.

It is as if... Tarsem and Protosevich and whoever else creatively contributed to this film... they wrote down on little shreds of paper.... Horse Dissection is cool..... Jennifer Lopez dressed like Virgin Mary is cool..... Jennifer Lopez’s ass is hot.... Gary Oldman’s costume in Coppola’s DRACULA was cool.... Serial Killers drowning victims was cool in IN DREAMS.... SILENCE OF THE LAMBS was cool..... Rodney Dangerfield’s father character in NATURAL BORN KILLERS was cool.... Graphic Novel artists’ works are really cool.... My 9 INCH NAILS videos got me this job.... People like doggies.... And then they randomly drew the elements out of the hat and wrote tissue thin connective material to bind it all together.

This film put my father to sleep... bored QUINT for crissakes... and left Mouth screaming about what a load of shit someone had just taken in his head. (I then argued that his mom did that the day he was born... but there was no arguing that point... I’m right)

I wanted to like this film. I love nothing more than to piss Moriarty and John Robie off... It is one of my petty torments I love to inflict upon them.... But by God... They are right.

Now... Should Tarsem be drug out into a public square then stoned or beaten to death?

Wellll......

Not quite.... I believe Tarsem should be yanked by the hair upon his head... then gagged and bound in a chair... while BILL GOLDMAN teaches him narrative structure and character development.... then.... Tarsem needs to be drug to a movie theater and be burned by the hot irons of great films... so he can begin to understand what Goldman bitch slapped into this first timer.

Next Tarsem needs to hire an agent that can pick really really good scripts... then he needs to have a powerful and smart producer to lasso his visual masturbation and force him to pay attention to story first, characters second, editing and pacing third... and pretty shots LAST.

Now... let’s rank this film against other going into the minds of movies.... It’s perhaps better than BRAIN SCAN..... But it is miles and miles and miles behind DREAMSCAPE (a highly underappreciated joy) and BRAINSTORM (another highly underappreciated film). Hell, this film isn’t even a wart on the ass of LAWNMOWER MAN... and that’s one of Brett Leonard’s aborted fetuses.

If you have never seen DREAMSCAPE or BRAINSTORM... I highly highly recommend it. These films... for a micro-fraction of the budget managed to far exceed the surreal and dreamlike nature that Tarsem was going for here.

The saddest thing is that New Line has basically paid between $40 and $50 million dollars to fuck a dead woman.... because that’s what this movie is.... It’s just a lifeless corpse that you are supposed to involuntarily hump against and get some vague deathkink excitements from.

The saddest part is this film is SILENCE OF THE LAMBS without the arresting direction, the wonderful Ted Tally script, minus the character of Hannibal Lecter and with no characters that you really latch on to. Instead it’s all pierce culture faux-goth bullshit.

Now this isn’t a complete waste of celluloid... Tarsem should be allowed to continue making film. However, he really needs to listen to the criticisms about character, plot and pacing... as other than flipping through Heavy Metal album covers, while watching a documentary on Giger as your buddy flips through the covers of his SANDMAN comic collection... this film offers nothing of note.

The real world storytelling was say... on par with say THE BONE COLLECTOR... but every time we enter the Dream World... the film grinds to a halt... The characters completely forget their sense of purpose.... and the film suddenly becomes all about... where did I get this image from.

The sick stuff... the self mutilation and violence... Well... you want to see a GREAT film about that? Something that will really and truly disturb you in a very real and sick way? Go find Sick: The Life & Death of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist , Now that... that film.... shudder... That is some real sick shit. Not this half-assed... “you should of left them in... it makes him feel like he’s floating... they like that” WHAT?!?!?!?!?

Now what did I like about the film? Selective moments of imagery... The musical box organ grinder... the horse.... ummm, I’m sure there’s other stuff I’m just forgetting.... Also... I really like Howard Shore’s score which just continues to show me that Howard is producing music that doesn’t sound the same... film to film. I’m very interested in hearing his LORD OF THE RINGS work.... I just hope he’s able to write one of the classic scores for all time on that one.

Now... before you conspiracy theorist begin believing that I’ve got a mad on about this movie because of some NEW LINE anti-bias.... BS. There was a critic screening here in Austin I could’ve attended... I simply couldn’t make it. Moriarty was shown the film way in advance under the conditions to hold his review to the day of release... which he did. And on top of everything else... New Line is running THE CELL ads on my site... so technically, doesn’t that mean I have to write positive reviews for this film? Oh... I’m sorry, that’d fuck with your whole Bloated Sellout thing. Oops.

Folks, my disdain for this film comes from it’s lack of originality in regards to plot, character and imagery. Watch your Jodorowsky films. Watch more French films. I mean... compare this fantasy universe to something like the one in HEAVENLY CREATURES.... and how well that served the story. Peter Jackson’s HEAVENLY CREATURES used the fantastical imagery and special effects to further the story and give us a window into the crazy minds of these two unfortunate souls.

Showing the beating of a child isn’t symbolic imagery... it’s easy, cheap and instantly manipulative.... It is a ham handed excuse for us to understand Buffalo Bill... ummm, I mean Carl Stargher.

The movie is watchable... so long as you are no where near tired. It would be a great drinking game... everytime Jennifer Lopez changes a hair style or a costume... gulp gulp. If you get off to subpar gore and voyeuristic ritual murders.... Well, this is the movie for you. Enjoy. You can have it. Be well.