Hey folks, Harry here... You know that person that you wince a bit when you see them headed in your direction... That's Flmlvr... The scab on the belly of a beautiful blonde. That thing that just doesn't quite belong. Disturbed and I have both noticed this, but still... he does not heal. So we continue to apply Neosporin and pray. Today, to my surprise the scab produced it's own story, it's own scoop.... and this... this is that scoop. Read on...
You know what? I was pissed yesterday morning. Why? Because I log onto AICN and see an article written by my arch-enemy Disturbed. Normally I could handle this (plus he is doing a really cool thing for the good of all), but he had to go and call me out in his article. So all morning I had one thing on my mind...WAR. (This does have something to do with the script in a round about way. Seriously) If this is the way he wants to be, I'll one up him. I'll pitch a monthly article to Harry that would have me reviewing AICN reader's home made pornos. "Yeah...yeah...that's the ticket", I thought. And the prize could be a little gold statue. Kind of a hybrid between Oscar Harry and American Beauty Harry. After pondering that thought...I decided that wouldn't be such a good idea and went to go see a matinee of "Center Stage" to cheer me up. It helped, but I still needed something. I headed for the beach and decided to walk my lazy ass down it. This whole time I'm thinking, "How can I one up him?"..."What can I do that would get back at him for calling me a little bitch"...suddenly blissful shouts of "FLM, FLM", break my concentration. It's coming from the ocean. What I see next I can hardly belive. Kathryn Heigl is emerging from the water, just like in the Maxim issue. She yells my name again. I run towards her...calm but cool. She hands me something. It's a script. I look down at it as she begins to speak, "You want to one up that bitch, Disturbed?" I shake my head. "Read this." "It's about war. Much like the one Disturbed has waged with you. But this one involves Tom Green and his Dad" I look up from the script...but Heigl is gone. She'll be back. They always come back. With that thought, I find a nice comfy spot in the sand and begin to read.
"Freddie Got Fingered" is written by Tom Green and Derek Harvie. To say that this is an odd script is an understatement. This is a pretty whacked out surreal dark comedy that gets increasingly nasty with each page. Think Road Runner vs. Coyote...but downright nasty. Not that there's anything wrong with that. If you are a fan of his show or were one of the people who wanted more of Green in "Road Trip" you get it here, and then some. What's it about...
Tom is a 27 year old man still living in his parents basement. He is lazy and all he wants to to is draw. He doesn't want to get a job, waste his life working 9-5. He wants to draw. Unfortunately no one understands that...especially his Dad, Jim. Jim wants him out of the basement, to stop being such a lazy bastard. To make the family proud like his younger brother Freddie, the banker. Tom scoffs and Jim puts his foot down. If he doesn't get a job, then he's kicked out of the house. What ensues is exactly like a road runner cartoon. Tom and Jim decide to have an all out war. Each laying traps for each other, refusing to stop until one of them wins the argument.
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER........
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Earlier I said this script is surreal. Well it is. It's starts out normal enough for Tom Green. I mean in the first ten pages you have Tom giving hand/blow jobs to Cows....His gay uncle making out with "Big Bear" his boyfriend. Tom then hitting on his gay uncle, tonguing him, and try to convince his uncle to let him stick his hands down his pants to grab his you know what. As the script goes on Tom glues a tube to his penis, recreates the hoth tauntaun scene with a dead animal, meets a legless woman in a wheel chair who loves to give blowjobs, has a fight where dead dogs are used as swords, and eventually succeeds in moving his parents house to Pakistan. But wait...that's not it. Their traps continue to get bigger and bigger until they cause mass nuclear destruction, and human extinction. And no...I will not tell you what the title joke involves.
END SPOILERS
I liked this script. Kind of. It's funny for the most part, but I found it weird reading it. Why? Because you really can't read Tom Green. He is such a presence, adds so much energy, that it is odd to read these words that were meant to always come out of his mouth. Some of these work on paper and are funny, other's don't, but probably will when Tom does what he is going to do with them. With this script the way it is and with Tom being Tom as we haven't seen him before...it should turn out very funny. And even though the plot is somewhat familiar...there is no way you will expect the complete and oddness that transpires through out the script and doesn't stop until the final trap is set.
A lot of this is clearly based on Tom's real life to the extreme. In a sense this must have been what it was like for Tom's parents as he ran around with his video camera and lived in their basement. Let's be thankful that it didn't go this far...and that is exactly why I am ending my war with Disturbed. I don't want things to end up like they did in the script. And besides..he couldn't take me anyways. If you love Tom Green, watch out for this one. It comes out next year. But it definitely makes me wonder what he is going to do with his remake of "The Monster".
A man a little off his reel,
flmlvr flmlvr@hotmail.com
