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The Mighty Joe Hallenbeck Returns To Release His Bat Upon MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2!!!
Yessssss! I am soooo Happy right now. You see, below is the Return of Joe Hallenbeck. It's been a year since I've heard this immaculate bastard beat a bloated film with his everloving Bat. You see folks, Joe Hallenbeck was my purest email joy. I would open up his email and laugh till I couldn't laugh anymore. In TalkBack yesterday, some folks accused me of being Joe Hallenbeck. That Joe was my Tyler Durden, and that I used him to unleash my uncaged wrath upon Hollywood. UNTRUE. However, I have always felt that Joe Hallenbeck was that ID MONSTER that all of us keep under lock and key. That subconcious beast that we only allow to peek to the surface when insulated around the closest of friends that understand the context of what you say. Joe is not politically correct. There are no forbidden words in his vocabulary, and in the Talk Backs beneath Hallenbeck... there are no reins. He is unbridled and untamed. Prepare for glee as the Mighty Joe comes to chew bubblegum and kickass....
Hell hath no fury like a Hallenbeck scorned…and this Mighty Motherfucker is
hopin' mad! That's right, kiddies, the BITCH is back and he's packin' a
years worth of venomous outrage that's gonna be unleashed upon The 'Wood.
This five-fingered beast is gonna grab the crotch that is Hollywood and give
it a yank or two…in hopes that some pecker-dillo out there pulls his or her
head out of their ass just long enough to listen to what Good Ol' Joe has to
say.
For about a year now stories have been floating around as to what happened
to the Mighty One. They range from suicide to being blown endlessly by the
Olsen Twins. My favorite stories are as followed:
1. I was rotting in some Mexican Prison and went by the name of "El Olla de
Negro!"
2. I've been on the lam, ala Richard Kimble, from Lucas' Stormtroopers.
3. I went on a Memorial Day weekend bender and wound up married to Carmen
Electra.
And, 4, my personal favorite…
I found TRUE, everlasting love that caused my heart to grow 3 sizes to big.
LOVE?! HA!!! Love to me is a vat of KY and Kim Bassinger's masturbation
scene in 9 ? weeks. Now THAT'S true love, baby!
Well, if y'all must know where the Mighty One has been…here goes:
I was vacationing on the island of FUCK YOU staying in the Province of Up
Your Mama's Ass! The climate was warm and moist, but I just couldn't stand
the smell any more so I hightailed it out of there.
Now then, what has brought this slumbering beast out of is guano covered
Hallen-cave™? - Why, Tommy Boy and his cute lil' ass, silly!
I was fortunate to see the very first Test Screening of the first Mission:
Impossible back in December of '95. What a joyous experience it was to
laugh, boo, and hiss at the abomination DePalma had made. Its incoherent
plot and paper thin characters just screamed for a scathing review by the
Mighty One. But, alas…Joe had not yet been born.
But I digress. I'm here to write about Ray Ban Boy's latest opus and
Hollywood's continuing trend of overbloated, star-driven/produced pet
projects. I had the misfortunate of viewing M: I 2 (one more FUCKIN' movie
with an acronym as a title and I swear to STEVEN, my Hallen-bat™ will meet
the skull of several Studio Execs!) the other day on the Paramount Lot. I
had not used my Jedi mind trick for quite some time, but I had no trouble
convincing the guards to let me pass.
I had tremendous hope for this flick. I was told the script was worked on
exhaustively, the teaser and trailer kicked major BOO-TAY, and it had the
trump card of ALL trump cards - Mr. Woo. As I took my seat I felt my
Hallen-Bat™ pushing against my pant leg…then, I realized I left it at home.
MAN, was I excited!
Now, my mother bitches, sit back and enjoy a review that only I, THE MIGHTY
JOE HALLENBECK, would dare to write…
THE PLOT - There's supposed to be one, right? Isn't that what's taught on
the First Day of class in Screenwriting 101? Perhaps Mr. Towne missed that
day of class. Then again, he DID write CHINATOWN and WITHOUT LIMITS. What
gives? Wait a second…I know, it was a fluke. How else do you explain his
other works like DAYS OF THUNDER, The First M: I and THE TWO JAKES? Or,
perhaps he sold his soul to Rosie? Yes, that's it - he sold his soul to the
Devil Herself. However, it still doesn't change the act he couldn't pull a
plot outta his ass to save his life. The Plot of this flick makes the
original one look as intriguing and complex as THE THIRD MAN! I guess the
thinking was: "Too much incoherent Plot in First Movie…No Plot in second
movie. Now it evens out." I would have loved to be at the pitch meeting for
this premise:
Ex-Spy Bad Guy steals cure for lethal virus. Good Guy spy must stop Bad Guy
Spy from getting actual virus. Toss in an ex-lover of the Bad Guy that Good
Guy falls for too and you have a nice, tidy romantic love triangle. My GOD,
my dick is hard just recapping the premise!
In a nutshell, throw a wannabe James Bond with NO personality or quirks into
a Satan Bug situation. Didn't MacGuyver have an adventure or two like this?
If the trademarked name of Mission: Impossible wasn't attached to this movie
nobody would give a rats ass about it! It's like some bad Tom Clancy
OP-CENTER TV Movie!
THE WRITING - Just die, Robert…just die. It's been decades since you wrote
anything good (Without Limits couldn't have been all yours), let alone
anything remotely watchable! How can you concoct such a cliché-riddled,
lamebrain plot and try to pass it off as a good ol' fashioned entertainment?
I, for one, would like to think audiences are a little more sophisticated
than this. Then again, Entrapment was a hit (insert Homer shudder here).
I think the only reason you set the film in Australia was to drink Fosters
Beer without having to pay an import tax. If you didn't see a shot of the
Opera House every 10 minutes or Paul Hogan holding up a sign that read "
Will Croc Your Dundee for Beer" I would've sworn that they shot this film in
Santa Barbara. If you're in a city like Sydney - USE IT! For fuck's sake,
you can do a million things Down Under (I, on the other hand, can do a
Million and ONE things down under, if you know what I mean, ladies) and
bring Australia alive…make it a central character, not just mere background.
At least Bond films utilize their locales and take us to places most of us
have never and will never be fortunate enough to see in person. It's like
they sent a 2nd Unit crew to Ausie-land to take shots of the aforementioned
House O'Opera and Kangaroo dung then went to Canada and shot the rest of the
flick for Fifty Grand.
THE ROMANCE - as cheesy as a 1980's hair band love ballad. The romance
didn't work in the first flick and it feels awfully contrived in this one.
These two fall in love faster than a Cocker Spaniel does with my left leg.
THE CHARACTERS:
ETHAN HUNT (AKA Pretty Boy) is a boring, empty, vapid pissant lil' schmuck.
Cruise tries to inflect some charm into him, but he just comes across as a
third rate Man from U.N.C.L.E. When you think of James Bond, you think cool,
suave, and sexy. When you think of Indy, you think, strong, confident, and
adventurous. When you think of Ethan Hunt…Well, I don't think of him. He's
just bland, bland, bland. He's no hero. He's nothing. He's nobody. The only
thing that comes to mind when I think of his character traits is how gay he
looks when he's doing his highwire stunts. Sure, Hunt is a sexy bitch, but
just because he can fire a gun and take a punch doesn't necessarily make him
a hero. He has no journey to go on. He has no growth…NOTHING!
THANDIE NEWTON (AKA Unimportant Female Lead that is just around for PG-13
lovemaking scene and to play hostage to Mr. Bad guy). Her name, as you can
tell by the description, matters NOT! Yes, Ms. Newton is a definite 4 on my
5 fingers scale, but unless she injects a semblance of personality into her
performance then she ain't gonna be riding the Hallen-Cock™ anytime soon.
She's a main character that disappears for half the movie. When she finally
pops back up she's hanging out on a cliff. How did she get there? Beats the
fuck outta me! She's supposed to be a Master thief, but her unique skills
are only utilized once in the mission to pick the pocket of the Bad Guy. Hot
damn! They could have gotten an organ grinder monkey to pull off that part
and it would have been just as relevant to the plot. Why make her a thief?
If you set her up like this, then pay it off somehow, goddamnit! Oh, and
another thing - I just couldn't get past her being the same naked, pregnant
chick screaming on the porch in Beloved (the 2nd most disturbing image I've
ever seen…the 1st being Rosie O'Donnell in leather and chains in EXIT TO
EDEN).
Excuse me for a moment, I must wretch!
VING RHAMES - I love the guy. He's an amazing actor whom never ceases to
amaze me. However, what I'm about to write must be written. Rhames'
character basically plays Ethan Hunt's "Nigger." It is a cliched, racist
role that continues to be portrayed in Hollywood again and again. He's the
token black guy who makes a "funny" every now and then. They think just
because they dress him in fancy clothes and sit him at a computer it more
than makes up the 300 plus years of slavery. He's a Versace wearing Sambo to
Cruise's Hunt. He has nothing to do and nothing to say except "Yessum,
Massa' Hunt" and do his bidding. Rhames should be ashamed of himself for
taking a part like this, not only as an actor, but also as An
African-American man who basically has to serve his White Master.
DOUGRAY SCOTT - I've had farts more menacing than this kilt wearing creep.
ANTHONY HOPKINS - the only one with good lines to spew…of course, you've
heard them all in the trailer.
THE DIRECTOR - I LOVE John…always have always will. The art and beauty he
brings to the image of a bullet piercing the skin of a Bad guy just brings a
tear to my eye. He has a few moments of pure cool Woo-isms in this film (a
fine-feathered friend in particular), but not even these jaw-dropping images
can save this 2 hour plus movie from it's boring abyss. It takes over 90
minutes for any real excitement or action to kick in. By that time you're
looking over at your date and wondering if she'll go down on you in the
parking lot or just wait until you two get back to your place.
I'm gonna write this one off as a hefty paycheck for Mr. Woo. You can fully
tell he wasn't in charge of this opus. I know his masterpieces like THE
KILLER, HARD-BOILED, and BULLET IN THE HEAD will never be duplicated here in
the States. I can only hope that his future American projects are on par
with the kick-ass FACE/OFF rather than this abysmal excuse for an action
flick. Perhaps WINDTALKERS will be his Best American film date. It has the
makings of a Woo Masterpieces - honor, betrayal, friendship, loyalty, and
uh…. guns. LOTS and LOTS of GUNS!
THE MUSIC - another adrenaline pumping, ear popping noise-fest by Hans and
his boys at Media Ventures. Enough with the Spanish flavoring already! I
did, however, dig Limp Bizket's rendition of the theme. Just cut out the
lyrics and release an instrumental version, damn it!
Oh, and as a side note, listen to the song that's playing while Cruise is
climbing. It's an ode to a past hit of Cruises'…just a different cut.
So, kiddies, what have I learned this past year? Well, Hollywood still
doesn't get it. There is a better chance of seeing Jesse Jackson at a Klan
Rally then finding a decent "Popcorn" script in Hollywood nowadays. It's
sad, but true. Granted, these movies bring in some major bank, but they are
instantly forgettable after their Opening Weekend. There hasn't been a great
Popcorn Film in ages. The only way the 'Wood is going to get this message is
if WE, the movie going public, stop giving them our hard-earned mula. As
long as the receipts are there we're going to be continuously bombarded by
crap after crap after crap.
I, like many of you, fell in love with movies after I saw NOT a good drama
or a funny comedy, but an eye-poppin', jaw-droppin' special f/x extravaganza
that made me jizz in my jeans. Sure, they may have been corny, but they were
fun. Where's the fun now? Hollywood, for some reason, can't produce these
films any more. Why, I ask? Why? Well, the first place to start is with the
script. There are 1000's of great, highly unique and original ideas out
there. Quit snorting up lines and FIND THEM!
It's a shame a movie like M: I 2 is going to open huge. We can only hope it
drops faster then an aspiring Starlet at a Hollywood Party.
So, kiddies, let's recap:
1. PLOT STILL FUCKIN' MATTERS!
2. Thandie Newton is highly boinkable even though she was that whacked out,
screaming, naked Prego in Beloved.
3. Mr. Rhames should stop taking checks from Whitey.
4. Spitting insults us, ladies.
As for me, well…water's wet…The sky is blue…The Mighty One is back and if
you don't like it…
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
Send your death threats to Hallenbeck69@hotmail.com
PS FUCK SHAFT! I'm STILL THE MAN!!!
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You are a fiend of the first order! God Damn it's good to have you back!
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Suprised I'm so high up on the talkback list considering how long everyone's been waiting for Mr. Hallenback's glorious return, but now he's back, and unfortunately, I'm not going to listen. I will see Mission Impossible Tomorrow, and as usual, since I can find good in almost anything, I will enjoy it (Sigh, I'm such a whore) but oh well. I think that the general public are sheep, throw them a bunch of eye candy and watch them flock. A PG-13 John Woo film just goes against everything I stand for, but *Sigh*
This has been a message from CRITCH STARBLADE at www.maximillian.org
Sorry about the plug, guys. -
Sounds like MI2 sucks ass, but I was expecting it to.
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May 23, 2000 3:36:55 PM CDT
Damn you...just as I'd gotten over my Hallenbeck addiction and g
by prankster
...you give us THIS! Now I've been sucked back into the seedy world of Joe Hallenbeck, and I want more. I want to know what happened. Did the high quality of the last 6 months of '99 submerge you within Harry's subconcious? Never mind, what I want to know is, what did you think of those aforementioned last 6 months (plus, less crucially, the months of 2000?) Did you really feel there were no great popcorn movies? What did you think of Galaxy Quest, Toy Story 2, The Matrix? And what about the other stuff, the NON-popcorn flicks that made us geeks so fat and contented? Did you block them out in order to maintain your rage? I expect a report, dammit! If you're going to come back, maintain continuity!
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And ive been a bit tired of all the P.C. thats been going on here for a while... BUT NO MORE!!! This is fucking great! Hell hath no fury like a Hallenbeck scorn. I salute you. NUXX OUT.
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May 23, 2000 3:40:53 PM CDT
May I be among the first to extend a hearty "Welcome back?"
by alexandra dupont
I don't care if you're Roger Avary -- it's just nice to have someone telling the truth. Sadly, I feared that this one would be a bit of a ... de-fanged addition to the Woo *oveure*. You've sort of confirmed those fears. Swing your mighty bat with pride, sir!
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Now this guy I like. No holds barred when it comes to reviews and it sounds on the money. BTW thanks for ruining my image of the chick in thise flick. I unfortunately watched Beloved and wont be able to enjoy her on screen when I rent this tape.
P.S. Im first, woohoo! -
I just reread your review of "Tarzan" and I notice that it was YOUR suggestion to have Glenn Close warble that godawful Oscar-winning (AAAAHHH!!) lullaby...a suggestion that the execs actually followed, thereby spoiling this movie as a non-musical. Let me thank you by showing you my own bat...this one's made of aluminum. (To be fair, the suits didn't obey your more reasonable suggestion of disemboweling Rosie O'Donnell...but that's no excuse.)
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Welcome back, Joe Hallenbeck!
Your review kicked ass! I had a feeling MI2 would suck and you've confirmed it for me. It's great to have you back here right where you belong. Just reading your no-holds-barred screw-you it's-my-thing-and-I'll-do-what-I-wanna-do type of writing makes me realise just how lame most writing about movies is. And not on this site but other sites like MrShowbiz
or Reel.com. You're the only person I know of who could probably go one on one with both Jeff Wells and Ed Margulies and leave them crying for Mama. Not that I hate Margulies or Wells, I greatly respect them. It's just when whenever I read one of Margulies's old writings at Showbiz Confidential or Wells' stuff at Reel.com and then read your stuff on AICN it's then I know who can get really bitchy! Then I know who's the real bad mother and whom you shouldn't mess around with cause he'll kick you behind into outer space!
Anyway, thanks for coming back,
Hallenbeck and continue to write for us at AICN. Sometimes, I hate the stuff you do and sometimes I love the stuff you do but it's always an interesting experience which transports me to a magical place beyond my boring humdrum
24-hours-a-day-workacholic life.
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May 23, 2000 3:57:03 PM CDT
Joe Returns, And It'll Be Mere Minutes Before Ving Rhames Hunts
by mrbeaks
Sounds like Joe's his usual Judd Nelson-esque self (how's that, you say? Why, because he shoots FROM THE HIP!) Welcome back, you magnificent bastard! That said, I still think you were a little *too* hard on Ving. Sure, the guy needn't waste his time on this pre-packaged studio swill, but why drag race into it? How is this any different from Stanley Tucci slumming with IN TOO DEEP? It isn't. It's a paycheck, and, hell, a chance to work with John Woo. I can think of worse ways to prostitute myself. In fact, I need only think back to Saturday night.....
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...I just reread Hallenbecks' "Best of 98" list, and...holy shit...please, Mighty Joe, PLEASE tell me you were being sarcastic when you stuck Patch Adams in there. Your entire status as a piss-filled ultracool hipster is on the line. Hmmm, maybe THAT'S the reason Hallenbeck went underground for so long...
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It's like Ricky Martin on Barbara Walters. That Ving Rhames comment was downright insulting, Harry. Even if you deny you're Hallenbeck you still posted it on your site. I'd steer clear of Ving at any premieres you attend in the future...
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So this is the big, bad, Joe Hallenback I've been hearing so much about lately. I'm not so scared. . .Ok, maybe I'm little scared. Let me take a moment now to congratulate him before everybody for his ability to combine the vitriol of an angry talkback with the coherence of an actual movie review.
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This review is the polar opposite of The Bishop's review. Hmmmmm.. It'll be interesting to see what happens on Friday when the other reviews come rolling in.
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I'm basking in the aftermath of this review and I love it! It's like four cups of that white coffee shit (2 x the caffeine of regular coffee) and a case of Mountain Dew. Woke me up.***I'd like to see Joe and Ms.Foster put in a room together without any windows and see what happens after 24 hrs. Ya think?
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At first, I thought I was going to hate reading this review, but now, I'd like Joe to go back and take a swing at some of the stuff he "missed" in the past year. Perhaps they are too easy targets to hit. Either way, I guess I'm glad he's back, 'cause that means at least SOMEBODY will call these fuckers on the carpet.
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May 23, 2000 4:06:44 PM CDT
Anyone who goes into a Woo movie expecting a deep plot with lots
by superninja
Woo is master of neither. I don't think he's ever pretended to be, but JH's review indicates that he was somehow expecting this coming in. Did anyone else doubt Newton would be little more than eye-candy? Did anyone think for two seconds that Anthony Hopkins "cool" part was other than what was shown in the trailer? That Dougray Scott was going to be a limp villain? C'mon...
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More swearing. Oooh, Hallenbeck! You're so dangerous! Big deal.
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Welcome Hallenbeck. I thought Harry ate you after you trashed EP. 1 so badly. I still gotta See MI2 though dude because sometimes I could care less about the damn story and just want to see things blow up. Again, I say SOMETIMES. There are other times I want to see an involved story. Good to have you back dude.
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Is it not more racist to say that Ving is Ethan's "nigger"? Why always make an issue out of this stuff? Just because he happens to be black? UGH
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May 23, 2000 4:55:36 PM CDT
No holds barred, eh? Well what a bunch of fucking bullshit.
by kingmenthol
Sorry, but I could give a shit what this alter-ego thinks, Harry or Moriarty or whoever this is. You think this writing's clever? If you're going to shit all over a movie like that, what's the goddamn point? Just say the movie sucks, don't see it. What a waste of my time!! Here I'm thinking I'm going to get a good DMFC-like rant, but there's ZERO substance to this! You wanna sound like you're anti-this anti-that, but you really sound like you're full of shit. If you really hate Hollywood, then don't pay any attention to it. You're trying to sound like an a I'm not going to say I've got skills to write any better, but christ, man, you couldn't hold a candle in your ass next to DMFC or TheWarrior. Shit, Jerky McJerk's funnier than you, and he's in what, 4th grade? Sorry if I offended anyone here, but Harry said no holds barred. Hallenbeck's a fake and not funny. FU Joe, I gotta go smoke.
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May 23, 2000 5:07:23 PM CDT
hey, hallenbeck, if the mean posts from some talk-backers ever g
by tommy five-tone
"nobody likes you. everybody hates you. you're gonna lose. smile, you fuck." nice to have you back, mr hallenbeck, and fuck 'em if they can't take it, OK? cool review, BTW.
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FUCK YEAH!!! Halenbeck is back!!!!
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I think this reviewer has some issues to work out. I'm going to take his review with a grain of salt it was so over the top pissy.
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May 23, 2000 5:25:59 PM CDT
"I knew MI2 would suck & now you've confirmed it for me" - Why a
by wesley snipes
There have been lots of reviews of this film already, at least 70% of them positive. Up until now, even the most negative of them boiled down to "this is a dumb enjoyable summer movie that could've been much more". Long-time reviewers have been praising it for its kick-ass action. Suddenly, Harry's raging id pops up to slam the film with his usual hyperbole and all these sheep are proclaiming "I knew it sucked"!? Is profanity all it takes to sway these assholes? Let's not forget that his review still boils down to essentially the same as all the others (Stupid story but some nice action), except that it's wrapped up in an attempt to appear extreme.
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May 23, 2000 5:26:48 PM CDT
Thanks for the great review Mr. Hallenbeck, or is it Mr. Taranti
by disillusioned
You were a sorely missed part of the AICN crew. Let's just hope that the next movie you make is better than MI2 or your abomination, Jackie Brown. Kudos.
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that the Talk Backs seem to fall into 2 categories. Those of us who used to avidly read Smokin' Joe's reviews (sorta like a cult film) talk them up and let our minds drift back to the good ole days of his reviews; and those who heard all our build-up and are disappointed. Oh well...I for one, was NOT disappointed. Welcome back, Joe.
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...i'm soooo happy someone with balls has returned to this site. i couldn't believe the number of people sucking the woo cock even after disasters like broken arrow and face off. sure i like to see shit blow up as much as the next guy but if theres no story or heart who gives a fuck. as for the comment on ving playing toms "nigger" i couldn't agree more. the token comic relief black guy appears in almost every bullshit wood pic of the past ten years. ok not all of them but its deffenetley a trend in really bad films. ving is of the stature that he shouldnt pimp himself out like he was desperate for work. its not racisit for someone to point out that ving is taking the "nigger" role in a film, it's called HONEST.
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Never heard anyone mention you before. However, you seem to have the courage of your convictions, if nothing else. I shall still see the film (it's a Woo) but at least you shamelessly slagged of the Phamtom Menace, and that's got to count for something in my book.
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..is nothing new. Dream Theater covered the mission impossible theme about 5 years ago although it's not on any of their official releases. But you can find it on Napster though.
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May 23, 2000 5:56:10 PM CDT
Joe Hallenbeck is obviously a latent homosexual , wannabe butt-w
by the salem slut
Interesting review, raised some good points, tasteless and offensive delivery. Why not point that admittedly well tuned perception at a movie with the intention of delivering a less offensive review in future. You made some good points but your comments about Ving Rhames were totally embarrassing (an' I'm whitebread). you obviously have an eye for what's good & bad about any given movie so why do you feel the need to turn your review into a Hallenbeck stroke-a-thon. you are obviously in denial of something if you feel the need to assert your credentials as a red-blooded male so vehemently. you total sphincter hopper.(see what I did there?,did ya?.I made an actual intelligent point then made up for it by saying something insulting)What are you hiding Hallenbeck? (you arse muncher!)
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I despise the day that the buzzword "popcorn movie" was planted in the vernacular of the movie going public. It's only a concept that excuses the peddling of mindless --almost always BAD-- movies. The fact that Hallenback is one of the many who has passively swallowed the concept and is happy with it does nothing but give him only a sliver of credibility. His opinion of FACE/OFF confirms it. The only reason why I'm taking any of his review seriously is because I tend to agree with negative reviewers, in general... but not every time. Here's my 1/2 cent: Profusly swearing and TRYING to be offensive at every opportunity doesn't give a person any more impact as a rough-edged, "no-holds-barred" critic. If anything, it makes us unable to relate to the critic's self-righteousness. Besides, I have trouble accepting this person as being so self-assured when they don't even know the difference between "then" and "than." I'm not convinced. Moriarty is still the man I trust. Oh, yeah. One more thing... It's OK for a black man to be a sidekick without any racist overtones. By this point, we should be comfortable with a black man, a white man, or a freakin' Ukranian-Pigmy-halfling playing second fiddle. At least that what the NAACP's Handbook on Oversensitivity says.
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May 23, 2000 6:04:49 PM CDT
Hallenbeck, you're patenting what's probably just a pencil lead?
by the kid
Thandie Newton is not waiting in the bed for you.
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Sorry to break it to everyone, but I've been hearing about this guy for a week now, and this is what I get? All he did was swear and make fun of Tom Cruise. I've seen better bashings of Tom on the Fox Family Channel. You must be kidding me, he isn't very creative or funny, and no, I am not some offended reader, I just think "The Big Lewbowski" was funnier than him. Peace
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My favorite quote ever for a movie review was from Joe. I forget which movie it was. "My bat! Where's my goddamn bat!"
Genius! -
I promise that from this point on I will never post any gripes about the ongoing saga of Moriartys time machine or Harrys test screening espionage. They are both inspired pieces of creativity compared to Joe Hallenbeck's demeanor, which borders on shameless. Mr.H's excessive use of profanity, crude sexual references, and general negativity is obviously a ploy to get attention and ignite controversy. His bit is more elaborate than the effort it took to stage the motorcycle sequence in MI2. Call your shrink Joe! Call him, and tell him that you're fucking losing it! The novelty of your glorified gimmick wore off long before you entered your hiatus. You give the REAL Joe Hallenbeck a bad name, because he was a badass and he never made a fool out of himself. I also happen to agree with everything you said about the dreadful MI2, but I would respect you a hell of a lot more if you gave up this angry, desensitized male act. No one is buying it sir, least of all me. I wish you the best of luck, and I look forward to reading your next testosterone-fueled ramblings. Please do me a favor, avoid throwing around words like "nigger." It's so damn obvious! AND THEN SOME!!!
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I miss Gene Siskel, even if i disagreed with him at liest i could respect his opinion. He never needed to say fuck this or Fuck that to make his points clear, rather he explained them. It's too bad that this guys too hip to say something in an intelligent way, because he would probably have something worthwhile to say. -
What's interesting to me is that this psuedo-review of Mission Impossible II is in one for or another supposed to be amusing and/or entertaining to us fans and geek-boys alike.
The first question that comes to mind is "Where is the Review?" It could be possibly lost in the sea of profanity and adjectives that we as the viewing public are supposed to be pacified(sp?) by.
I'm not one to diss on those who use rofanity or strong adjectives when criticizing a work but where's the line drawn here. "Oh wait, this review is supposed to be cool because it's Hallenbeck and this is who he is." Ya, right. As a fan and apart of a public who keeps this site up and running with my bi-hourly visits to Aint It Cool News what I look for is facts, scoop, anything that will fill me in on an up and coming film I am looking forward to. What I am not looking for is this a review heavy on pretension and little on info.
Of course I speak for myself and myself alone and am ready for any criticizm that should come my way as result of this post. Also I am a filmmaker and as one I know that there are many others that are out there, some I like, some I don't but there is a mutual respect for them. Bastardizing their work with flippant reviews such as these cheapens them, their work no matter what we deem as good, or great.
But alas, maybe I should lighten up as I'm sure I will hear soon enough, but in the words of Luke Skywalker, "I must be aloud to speak."
JP -
Er, no. Please bother to actually READ the article next time, people. In between all the profanity it sounds to me (a Black man, I might add) like what ol' Hollenbeck is complaining about the "Brother Rule"--where the heap big White action hero has a token Black guy along side to fetch and carry and take a bullet for him about halfway through the movie. Like I ain't never seen THAT before. Anyway, good to have you back, homes. I loved yer nuking of PHANTOM MENACE last year, even though I disagreed with some of it. I'll probably check MI-2 out anyway just to make up my own mind. I've been hearing mixed messages about it from friends who've seen it--some like it, and others, well. . .
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Did anyone actually expect MI;2 to be good? Sure, I'm gonna go, but I also plan to go to Battlefield: Shit. ANy movie that gets compared to "Plan 9 From Outer Space" has to be seen to be believed.
But thank you, Joe, for a bit of the old honesty for a change. Didn't love it as much as your Phantom Shit review, but it was still fun. -
God, it's good to see Hallenbeck back. Morriarity being such a cry baby lately is making me sick. Plus all that evil genius shit that has to be skimmed through. "Waah, they wouldn't let me in." Who cares? George Lucas is a nut case. He liked Battlefield Earth? Fuck him. Ok, now go buy the new Perfect Circle album.
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it's not surprising that all you bitchy talk-backers are all over this guys dick. negativity-ain't it cool. and what's wrong with all the idiots that couldn't understand the plot from the first movie?
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Gee, the plot's not that great? Tom Cruise is no James Bond? Holy smokes, what a wake-up call! Hollywood must be reeling from this blistering bon-mot. Whew! Talk about telling it like it is!
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I guess I'll just have to sit at home and watch my copy of M:I #1 and my crappy dubbed tape of 'Hard Boiled' back to back, kind of blending them together in my mind to form what could have been a great movie. Oh well, I'll see you guys around... Gotta get my hands on a copy of 'Perfect Dark' at the videogame store before they're all sold out.
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... the Undead have spoken.
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I'm probably the last one to give props to Hallenbeck but that was a great rant! If this movie stinks like I originally heard the summer is starting to look bad. At least it'll make the X-men seem like Daisys in comparison. ZUBALOVE OUT.
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That review was funny as hell.
Looks like my friends and I are, yet again, assed out . -
Thanks mucho loads Joe the Machiste.
Hollywood is a haven for homosexuals; how else do you explain a shitass like Tommy Boy getting to butcher films, year after year, after year after.....
With sweetie-pies like Ethan C..er..Hunt around is it any wonder that Kim Basinger masturbates? Real Men like me and me stepbrother are a rare commodity in Tinsytown.
I almost agreed totally with your post Joe, until you blew it out your ass with Face/off. T'is an aimless, overblown, puss-spewing, piece of celluloid canker I've seen. I'd rather peel off me own skin rather than watch Vinny Barbarino and Anal Assasin Nick exercise in flatulence.
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May 23, 2000 9:10:58 PM CDT
One would wonder what he would do with a review of Battlefield E
by wheel99
The horror.... the horror....
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What would help to balance this Jack Benny-Rochester combination is to have Rhames not just say "Yassuh, boss", but to say, "Yassuh, poo-butt prison-bitch pretty-boy superspy wannabe muthafucka" to Cruise, because that's about the level of bad-ass that Cruise is -- a wussy with a high-level government security clearance and mega-tech weaponry (Hmmm ... maybe Cruise, not Dougray Scott, should be wearin' that KILT).
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To all the weenies who have had their balls cut off...grow some!!! Sheesh, all these sheep going...I thought the movie would suck you just confirmed it for me, aaghh! I am puking here. Just because some guy can write a funny, scathing review with lots of macho bullshit language everyone goes...if HE says it sucks, than it sucks just like I thought it would (roll eyes here folks), like I said people...grow some balls, get a spine, think for yourselves. I bet half the sheep in talkback are saying one thing to sound "coo,l" yet are gonna be the first ones in line to see what should still be a fun action film. I guess it's cool to agree with "the mighty hallenbeck," but if the definition of cool is to simply agree with someones opinion, than being "cool" is no longer going to be cool anymore...if you know what I mean. Baah, baah, you mindless talkback sheep, if you enjoy the film come back and post it on this talkback site (I will, if I enjoy the film), without worrying about getting flamed by all the hallenbeck cock suckers that showed up to put their lips and tounges up Joe's ass. If everyone was waiting for hallenbeck to come back for directions on how their opinions of a film should lean, than I am saddened at how many weak and pathetic ,cannot think for themselves filmgoers there are who make up the fan base of ain't it cool news movie-goers. Hopefully, I am wrong about the weak on these boards, and they will not simply agree that a film that they privately thought sucked, is good simply because hallenbeck said so. That will be further proof that not everyones head is up his ass.
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All reviewers should take Movie Review 101 from Hallenbeck at AICN University. He may be off but the read was entertaining.
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I would have seen MI2 except when I saw the trailer over and over of cruise riding the cycle on the front wheel. Too damn stupid for me as a stunt and then him doing his little leg kick and his hair landing immaculatley in place. Man I'm holding out for Real World in New Orleans at this point for summer blockbuster.
Will MCSE for food -
What's with the big fanfare? So there's a guy who's not afraid to rip apart any film? It's really easy to take pot shots at Cruise and Woo; yet they have been quietly attempting to infuse a bit or art into the Hollywood mainstream (Eyes Wide Shut, Magnolia, Face/Off)unlike so many other "artists" we admire. Whatever. What the fuck were you expectin from this film? And now you want to go off on Robert Towne as well? Without Limits happened to be DIRECTED AND WRITTEN by him, and was a drastically underrated film; much better than that piece of dreck Prefontaine. And what kind of script are you expecting from an action film? I don't remember anyone championing the screenplay for The French Connection, To Live and Die in L.A., or countless other visceral experiences. Maybe with something as issue-raising as Jurassic Park we should have deserved something not as intelligence-insulting, but when I go to see a Tom Cruise/John Woo action film, I'll take what I can get. Hallenbeck can kmake as many jokes as he wants, but he's just another asshole with an opinion. It's no more valid than anyone else on here, and just another example of mid-life crisis fanboy whining. Shut the fuck up and save your diatribes for true wastes of time like Godzilla and Armageddon. See you in another year, pal.
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What the hell is wrong with Hallenbeck. First and foremost, he is not funny. "ISLAND OF FUCK YOU! UP YOUR MAMMAS ASS!" wooo, yeah....OUTRAGEOUS! Great material, buddy. But that's ok...we can forgive a person for not being funny or clever, or even very smart. What REALLY pisses me off about this craphead is his bloated "I am the SHIT" ego...I mean, for CHRISTS SAKE, he is an unpaid reviewer for an Internet site read by a bunch of geeks, where does he get off thinking he is even remotely cool. I mean, if you're say, Mr. Cranky, and you have your own website with advertisers and you get money and you are actually FUNNY, well, then you have a right to think somewhat well of yourself. But, Mr. Hallenbeck, you pale to Mr. Cranky. You are not even worthy enough to lick Mr. Cranky's shoes. You are obviously nothing more than a pathetic, lonely, insecure dweeb who probably wears a trench coat in public to make him look tough and who uses the internet as a vehicle for his own self-indulgent wish fulfillment excercises. How about a poll...what do you all think Hallenbeck does in real life. I'd say video store clerk...MAAAYBE assistant manager (which allows him to get his rocks off by bossing around hich school kids who will out earn him by the time they turn 20). And as for his taste in movies...Patch Adams says it all my friends. Quite possibly the biggest piece of shit ever made, and this guy loves it. Not to mention Armageddon, which he said was better than any drug (he then boasted of his knowledge on ths subject). Here is hoping that Joe Hallenbeck disappears for another year, and then some.
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I love John Woo. I really do. But I just can't get over Tom Cruise doing those silly kick moves. I think it'll kill the movie for me. Plus, a Woo movie with a PG-13 rating...uh no! I'd rather throw in the ol' Hard Boiled DVD. PG-13 in an action flick means neutered. Neutered John Woo is like neutered Hallenbeck - what's the point?
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I saw "Mission: Impossible - 2" this evening. I was anxious to see the follow-up to the original (which I enjoyed).
I feel duty bound to warn those of you who have even the slightest interest in
this movie: stay away. I found myself laughing aloud at how ridiculous it was.
Then again maybe you're a fan of ham handed John Woo (director of cinematic gems "Hard Target" and "Face Off").
Maybe you're a fan of his overwrought slow motion, or his implausible car chases. Or maybe you just like interminable fist
fights, fire, and pigeons. If so, by all means, enjoy.
The only saving grace? I had a free pass. Caveat emptor. -
woo hoo, hallenback returns. i probably couldn't be one bit less excited. this guy is the definition of a socially maladjusted person who walks around with a chip on his shoulder. joe, you're not funny. referring to tom cruise as a pretty boy isn't funny. jokes about "asses" are not funny. having a "69" in your email account - not funny. all your reviews are, all they have ever been, is a big waste of time. from this point forth, any time and every time you utter a single word, i'm going to make every effort to discover every aspect of the idiocy of it.
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May 23, 2000 11:44:45 PM CDT
And i thought Dice Clay was unfunny...this guy has Tom Green's d
by nigger
YO Yo yo, waus upe neegros, say jose, nigga I know you gon reap some sheet fa callin my man Rahms a 'ni**er' You white prick ass mofo.Gah-dam fool an I thought Dice Clay was unfunny.... Say Harry, you gon BAN me for talkin like a movie script (ie: to entertain) Yet Joe here get ta put wurds like 'ni**er' in his REVIEW straight up to insult????????????????? Now, I gots no prob wit chu rapping like that jose, but not if I get banned for it...DO NOT BAN ME IT MAKES YU LOOK BIGOTED.THE MASTER FUCKNINJA of BANNED (12) times folks!!! IS Back. .
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May 23, 2000 11:45:55 PM CDT
And i thought Dice Clay was unfunny...this guy has Tom Green's d
by nigger
YO Yo yo, waus upe neegros, say jose, nigga I know you gon reap some sheet fa callin my man Rahms a 'ni**er' You white prick ass mofo.Gah-dam fool an I thought Dice Clay was unfunny.... Say Harry, you gon BAN me for talkin like a movie script (ie: to entertain) Yet Joe here get ta put wurds like 'ni**er' in his REVIEW straight up to insult????????????????? Now, I gots no prob wit chu rapping like that jose, but not if I get banned for it...DO NOT BAN ME IT MAKES YU LOOK BIGOTED.THE MASTER FUCKNINJA of BANNED (12) times folks!!! IS Back. .
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They just seem so opposite
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May 23, 2000 11:55:01 PM CDT
Hallenback is taking numbers for little boys to jump his bandwag
by cranialleak
I can't believe some of you two-inch dick fuckers love this guy. What's the big deal? I've seen better rages from that washed-out Howard Stern. Ooo, I'm really scared that mommy taught him some bad words. Bite me, Hallenback. Your review sucked too. His voice was heard, now let's hear everyone else's. Why do studios make tired formulaic films like this? Wait till the box office returns show up on Monday and you'll see that just because Hallenback didn't like it, apparently some 20 million Americans will have a good time. That's how the studio circle goes round. Money. Save your KY, open your own studio, and shut up. P.S. Can't wait for his next review so we can do this all over again.
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I love a hearty dose of vitrol as much as anyone else, but ALL IN GOOD HUMOR. This supposed "review" was pure bullshit, even if for a laugh, because apparently lot of bastards bought into it. This kind of $hit is the very reason why TalkBack has earned its reputation -- a bunch of angry, whiney assholes who hate simply because they love to hate. Sorry, but I'm not jumping on the bandwagon here...It may be "honest" but it's not funny!!!
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don't ever post like that again. No one will read it. And save the flames, they don't bite.
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Jesus Jumped Up Christ on a purple pogostick! Warrior's back! Never thought I'd see the day. I rarely post... I'm one of those types that gets a voyeuristic spasm at reading TB diatribes. So, seeing one of the best come back is a sight for sore ey es. Unless you're some asshole posing as the Warrior... then I hope you are flailed alive and left to rot in the same pit I got prepped in my backyard for Schumacher's pansy ass! Oh, Mighty Joe, that Star Wars review stills rocks, even a year later. Vulgar displays get better with age... Harry, give my regards to Tyler Durden. Sick little schizo fuck.
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A while back Harry posted his review of Star Wars TPM, after waiting a year. And all of a sudden Joe shows up shortly after.
If you go back and read Joes review of the movie you'll see Harrys real feeling about the movie.
I think a massive amount of denial caused Harry to write his positive review. It was also this denial that finally Tipped Him over the edge, and Lo and Behold here comes Joe taking a swing at MI-2, because lets face it Battlefield Earth was just to easy a target.
The rage and dissapointment felt after watching TPM caused Harry to repress his alter ego. Forcing himself to believe that the movie wasnt that bad a year later brought Mr Hallenbeck to the forefront once more -
Wow....It's almost cool in the most uberfucked way, it will definitely LOTR this page, if only it were a little shorter...I can't believe it hasn't been banned...if C_O_L isn't DMFC then I know exactly who it is.....ehhh singh ole boy?
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Hey, asshole, Talkback is not a forum for putting your homosexual fantasies on display. And no, I am not a bigot, I'm just pissed because this is not the place. Your post has NOTHING remotely relevant to the current issue. Christ, whoever is monitoring the TBs, you're losing it. This massive waste of space should never have gotten through. Hey Creature of love, expressing one's feelings of carnal desire is perfectly valid... just not in Talkback. That's why the Good Lord created masturbation, you sick little fuck. Harry, your bloated back will be the FIRST one against the wall if this crazy bastard's TO BE CONTINUED followup is posted. As for MI-2: I don't know... John Woo... restrained? Ill omen, friends. PG 13 should not grace any Woo flick... ever!The only summer flick I'm interested in is X-Men (will it rock or will it suck? Hmm...) and ME, MYSELF, AND IRENE.
If y'all would excuse, my old beatup issue of Penthouse is calling out to me... Yeah baby, Big Papa's coming home. -
Geez, I would rather this guy stay gone for another year. What a terrible and tedious review. Please Hallenbeck, go away.
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...especially if you know some of the people who were affected by what he did two years ago. There's a reason you're never gonna see a mention of it on this site kiddies. Too bad the truth is out of style on here, and Harry is playing up to this man's ego...'cuz as the saying goes, his ego is cutting checks his body can't cash.
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Check out Ringo Lam and Johnny To movies. Cool stuff. Full Contact, City On Fire (QT ripped it off for Res. Dogs) Prison On Fire or Heroic Trio, The Mission, Expect The Unexpected and the list goes on.
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a fairly incisive review bulked up with the word fuck. Take your vitriol and shove it up your arse Joe, because that was nothing we haven't heard before. Maybe you should have spent that year off writing new material. Your average talkback contains stuff more offensive than that every day and we don't feel the need to worship the people who wrote it. Fuck you and the horse you rode back in on.
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So, this is the 'mighty' John Halterneck? Is this the 'review' you ladies have been hoping to choke the chicken over? HaHaHa...It's hopeless..If throwing in fucking expletives here there and everywhere is a shitty yard-stick for quality then this opus is a masterpiece...This geezer looks like he could put down his writing talent on the back of a postage stamp and still use the rest as a sun shade...It's truly awful, or at least I think it is...I couldn't be bothered to read past the first excruciatingly dull few lines...And what's worse, it wasn't even funny...Although, I guess it was a joke.
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Okay, a lot of people here have been saying "why do you have to blast the movie? Why can't you just say 'it sucks' and leave it at that?" Well, in Joe's defense (and of course he doesn't think he needs any) a movie REVIEW shouldn't just say it's good or bad - it should say why it's good or bad. HOWEVER, I'm always a bit distrustful of people who can't just tell it like it is - who have to dress up what they're saying in a bunch of super-bad-tough-talking-I-can-swear-you-under-the-table bosh. Just give me the facts. If you have to put a bunch of hype in with the facts, then you're telling me that the facts don't really speak for themselves. I think this movie may actually be okay - not a best picture, but okay at least. I'll bet that all of the Joe fans here also like or liked Howard Stern a lot. Calm down, Joe. You'll live longer.
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Why does everyone keep apologizing for Woo? He has more control than 90% of the directors in Hollywood and yet his movies (including Face/Off) continue to suck so incredibly hard. The man has lost the touch. Face it!
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and Hallenback is the maestro of mediocre. This is supposed to be clever, insightful and controversial!!! This guy is to films as Dice Clay is to comedy, a craptacular castaway to the lowest common denominator. Is that you? Are you the product of an American public school system? Do you read at the seventh grade level? If so, stand up and be counted a loyal supporter of Hallenback's moot militia, where everyone shaves their heads with cheese graters and fries bacon in the nude!! A clowns face in the skull of a baboon.I agree with the guy who suggested that Hallenback is just dumb and irrelevant enough to be Tarantino...
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This review by Joe Hallenbeck was so terrific (and I know terrific) I want to read all of his other reviews. I've only been hooked into AICN for about a year now. Help me brethren. There must be a way to hack into the AICN archives and read past missives from the Mighty Joe, the evil Moriarity, Todd, etc. How?
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Hallenbeck is back..... but, why? I mean I remember back when Joe WAS the shit, back when he had his finger on the pulse of the industry... and then he vanished. Return? Okay, it is true that this site needs more brutal honesty - that which Joe epitomizes - but let's see if we can do it with a few more brain cells and a few less strokes of the ego. I mean, I for one, would much rather read a review about the more or less "piece of shit" that M:I2 is bound to reek of from someone who can complete a sentence without a trademark or a reference to his own genitalia (being partial genitalia myself - and that of a genocidal genious, I take offense). Please less profanity, & better, more organized thoughts and complete sentences. I beg of you!
Better yet, I tell you what: Having seen this film myself on Monday, I'll write a review and send it to the Head Geek. If he deems it worthy, he'll post it. And then everyone can read an honest review from someone who both disliked the movie and possesses the ability to write using complete sentences! -
..your attack on Robert Towne is completely out of line. He is one of the all time great screenwriters and you are a self-impressed, unfunny internet hack. For the record, his original screenplay for THE TWO JAKES is a work of genius that was fucked up by director/star Jack Nicholson. As for this Mission Impossible thing, he was expected to write a coherent screenplay around some, already planned, elaborate action sequences. Towne did his job and got paid, just like any Hollywood professional, but this is hardly indicative of his usual work. Save your wise-cracks for the greedy studio, the pushy star and the waaay overrated director.
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Dudes please remove that post from "Creature_of_Love".
It totally sucks to read crap like that when you not looking for that sort of thing.
(How can you even read all of that "nothing", it's not even good writing!? Jeeze) -
...Each of you will get a turn on Mr. Hallenbeck's jock!! Get in a single file line!!!
So, a reviewer tells me a movie sucks, so I in turn, like the other pathetic puppets, say "yessss masssteerr" and change my plans to see the film...ummm, yeah...whatever.
I echo Mr. Snipes sentiments when I watch Hallenbeck act the part of shepard to these poor, little sheep "baaah, baahh!"... -
Hey Geek, Sr... ya think you could clean up Creature of Love's post a little bit, what do you Harry's paying you for, anyway?
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yikes! that was unexpected! i mean, i'm GAY and i'm offended fer pete's sake!
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blah blah
LIST OF COCKY AICN GUYS:
HARRY KNOWLES
JAY KNOWLES
JOE whatever -
Regardless of whether or not M:I-2 is good or bad, anyone who writes like you do (especially the prelude to the "review") is in no position to criticize writing.
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May 24, 2000 4:29:36 PM CDT
Goddamn you talkbackers make me utterly FUCKING SICK!
by the black adder
If you backward ass politically correct fucks could cool your jets for two seconds you would understand where Joe is coming from! God forbid anyone of you should have your own opinions about a movie. This is what Joe
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You make yourself sick, as you seem to have posted a talkback, thereby in this forum you're a talkbacker. If you make yourself sick either you smell really bad or you've got a bad case of the gout. Look snake-boy, as I see it, those who've posted their distaste for Hallencock's "review" have stated the obvious that this missive was somehow supposed to be humor-laden and edgy, but just sounds bitter and lame. Not funny in the least bit. Go up above and read TheWarrior's post (if it's still there). Nobody's going to bash Harry like this if he gave a bad review, but there's all this damn fanfare for some kind of Dennis Leary smash-the-fuck-out-of-everything review, and it's not even close to witty. It was a lame attempt and the writer, whoever he/she/it may be, failed miserably. As Harry said, the flames are to be expected and not censored, so if you don't like what *I* have to say, you can just lick T nutz, byatch.
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I agree with everybody. It was pretty weak-ass for a Hallenbeck review, but it's nice to have him back. Remember, kiddies, he's got a year of rust to shake off his tubthumper. Wait until he gets hold of X-Men! Oh, and as for that OTHER guy... he's hard to hard to win, if you survive. No more banning! Open the damn floodgates! Let hate rule!
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May 24, 2000 8:04:21 PM CDT
The DUDE's 5 reasons why Hallenbeck has SHIT FOR BRAINS!
by thedudespeaks
Sorry man, but the DUDE's gotta call ya out on this one. Just saw MI2 & must politely say: As a reviewer, you SUCK, man. My groove is this: ----- (1) your "this f*cking sucks" pov is old - sure you impress the kids here, but ... (2) maybe if you kept the KY at home, your cocker spaniel off your leg, and your "naked pregnant women" fantasies at bay, you could have enjoyed the movie ...(3) it's obvious you suffer from "cruise-envy". Get over it. (4) lose the race card. Ving hear's you and he's gonna get some pipe-hitting home boys and get medieval on your ass. Besides, it doesn't apply to his role. (5) Woo is cool, but I gotta say the weakest part of this flick was his lame-ass "slow-mo pirouette with the cars. WTF was that about? ------------- In conclusion, MI2 was just as expected: a 5 on a 1-10 scale. See ya round tough guy.... the dude has spoken.
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Hey guys, just like to inform you that my mom walked in the room and saw Creature of Loves' post. Good work to the monitor of Talkback, I can see he is doing his job well. I can say that that post was the single most sickening thing I have ever seen. Besides John Woo making a pg-13 movie. By the way, Mission Impossible 2 was OK. Cya
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why would you want to censor anyone's post? Is that the way things should be done? I realize this is a free site run by Harry, but noone's doing anything wrong. Did any of these posts offend you worse than the inanity and senseless use of the word in 'Hallenbeck' 's review? Lighten up you boring schlub...god I wish you could see just what type of person is saying this to you...you'd fucking draw into yourself like a shriveled spider for acting so asinine
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You write about the woes of Hollywood filmmaking, yet you've named yourself after the "protagonist" in one of the most shamlessly commercial films ever made. And how is FACE/OFF a good movie anyway? Now I'm sure this sequel sucks humungus shlong. So will (remake) SHAFT. All of these fucking movies do, it's a given nowadays. If you don't want to see shit, you should stay away from the litter box.
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I think maybe Hallenbeck is really Ving himself.
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I wasn't referring to ethnicity, you wanna wank over who's what, i happen to know the guy, he's black hisself. On the other hand im a whyt woman, not playing keeper but turned way the fuck off by assholes like you who would actually plead for someone's post to be removed..maybe some friend of yours will take more initiative and see that your possessions are removed on the count of you being so dull.
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How funny and insightful a review... heh. If this is what Harry gets all hot and bothered about I think that speaks volumes. In fact, its symptomatic of how this page has gone from being one of the first and best rumor pages to a total joke. I've been reading AICN since its original form but long ago quit even bothering to pay attention to the so-called 'scoops'. Why do I still read when Dark Horizons, Corona, Cinescape, et. al do such a better job? The talkbacks, man. Friggin hilarious. If it weren't for the twin blessings of talkbacks and Battlefield Earth (and it's ensuing talkbacks) AICN would have long ago become completely useless.
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Wow, what a review. Beats the hell out of mine, but it captures every essence I had for this film too.
Could it have been any worse? Maybe. But right now I feel so ripped off PAYING to see this piece of crap that I say keep speaking the truth. This shit film was shit! -
We only spit on the ones that are not worth swallowing for......MI2 was good, but not fantastic. I await the Patriot patiently. Ms. Newton showed up on the cliff by walking there you fucking idiots!!! This is the third so called asshole not paying attention. It is stated in the film that she is dropped off in downtown Sydney-basically kicked out of the car. Why can't you accept that she went to the cliff to jump, all on her loansome. She's carring a red blood cell lysing virus that will kill her in 20-30 minutes. She does not want to be found by Ethan looking like a radiation victim. She wants to be foung dead-but beautiful. Basic human relations. You guys are fucked if you think this movie is not going to clean up on BOX office, DVD, video-everything. This movie will attract all ages-especially little kiddies and horny women. Your bat will get you know where.
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...did they even TRY to make a good movie?
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