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Rufus Roughcut ponders MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2 & the coming of Hallenbeck...
Hey folks, Harry here. I had just opened this email from Rufus Roughcut, a rather scraggily faced man with razor burns, when the phone rang. As usual I looked at my Nostradumbass Predicktor Device, and read the name written in the Lite-Brites. Joe Hallenbeck. I thought he was dead. I had heard that he had a long night of booze after watching The Phantom Menace, and being so distraught at the results of that film, that he had swallowed his 45 and ejaculated a hunk of lead out the backside of his skull. My hand was shaking, but I picked up the phone. There was heavy labored breathing, and I could hear the clinking of ice cubes in a glass and the pouring of liquid. It was Hallenbeck. Gone for over a year. Like the man with no name, he crawled into a cave, covered his heart with lead, and was back in the street calling me out again. "Do you want a review of MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2 you fat bastard?" This wasn't really a question... You see, Hallenbeck, being the lowlife scum that he is, has comprimising pictures of every man, woman and child on the planet. And as a result, when he asks you a question. The answer is always "Yes." Now the following is a regular review from a normal human being. Tomorrow, Joe Hallenbeck is going to be returning. The man is loathsome. He says all those things that the nuns beat your hands for even thinking. He's the boy who never had his mouth washed out, that never was told right from wrong. And I'm giving you people a 36 hour warning about it. He will offend each and every known group of humanity. As for what he thought about MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2... I'm scared now. You see, we've had pretty darn positive reviews, this one below is a little less positive. Something awoke Joe Hallenbeck from a slumber. Was it THE BISHOP's 10 out of 10 review? Or maybe he loved it. We'll see soon, for now.... here's Rufus...
Seeing an MI2 screening is one thing, but seeing it at the main Paramount
theater on the Melrose lot is something else. If anyone in American-land ever
gets the chance, see a movie, any movie at the Paramount main theater. The
sound is booming, the seats are wide, the space between rows is huge. And what
better movie to see there, but MI2!
Now, I'm a huge John Woo fan. My "Hard Boiled" DVD has smoke coming
out of it, I've watched it so much. And why won't they release "The
Killer" on DVD? But I thought Woo was a great choice for MI2: he's
stylish, violent and just damn cool. But here's what kills me. Woo
makes a name for himself in Hong Kong making amazingly stylish bullet
ballets yet when American producers bring him here to make movies, they
won't let him make the films that got him the recognition in the first
place. So MI2, does have the usual Woo touches (Tom Cruise strolls on screen
accompanied by a single white dove, Tom slides across the floor, firing two
guns at once), but somehow it was a little off. It was good, it was loud, it
screams "summer boxoffice", but I expected more. The first bravura action
scene came 1 hour and 15 minutes into the film, a really
long time. And even that seemed like Woo was bringing out his old tricks
with nothing new to add. That was the first big action sequence, the
second was better: a great motorcycle chase that was terrifically
edited. In fact, the last 30 minutes were vintage Hollywood summer
bullsh*t, with touches of Woo.
The plot is considered under wraps, but for those who'd like to know, the gist
of it is this: a bad guy creates a virus so he can make money off
the cure. Said bad guy is played by Dougray Scott. As bad guys go, his
character is not very interesting, although Scott invests it with enough brio
to power it through.
The love interest is Thandie Newton, who is not just beautiful...SHE'S A WORK
OF ART! She plays a cat burglar and ex-girlfriend of Scott's character. Tom
Cruise employs her to help retrieve the virus and the two of them have some
nice chemistry.
Cruise is getting handsomer as he gets older (and for the record, I'm
a heterosexual male)and here he does what he does best: be Tom Cruise.
But he tries hard, doing some of his own stunts and getting beaten up,
so he's great as usual.
Considering the dialogue was written by the great Robert Towne, the
quality was suprisingly average. The quippy Schwartznegger-type lines, all
fell flat. There were some good lines ("it's not called Mission
Difficult, Mr. Hunt"), but on the whole, it didn't seem worthy of the
writer of "Chinatown."
In all, MI2 gets the job done. I hate to say this, but I kinda sorta
liked the original better. It wasn't just loud. It didn't just recycle
previous Woo touches. Prague was a better locale then this film's Seville.
The crowd I saw it with didn't applaud once, although of the ones I talked
to afterwards, half liked it, half thought "eh, whatever, next!"
Anyway, sign me Rufus Roughcut.
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+ Expand All
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Criterion lost the rights, thus the disc was discontinued! John Woo rocks!
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He will return and turn this site back into what it was, back before the brown/light brown/blue corporate design. Hooray!
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I really missed this guy's reviews, even though some of his opinions I don't agree with ("Gattaca" was anything BUT a boring film and "The Sweet Hereafter" just plain sucked).
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I saw a screening of MI2 last night, I think this review is lacking many plot twists that are clearly wrong. Spoiler - Dougray Scott doesn't create the virus, he steals the cure. Also Tom Cruise is tricked into getting Thandie Newton to get the IMF information, not steal the virus back. I just think it is strange to have a review that is so off on key plot pieces. Did this reviewer see the same movie as me?
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Is it me or has this guy been riding the Chinatown wave his entire career? What else has he done? Days of Thunder? Why is this guy always brought in?
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May 22, 2000 5:28:35 PM CDT
Water's wet...sky is blue..women have secret...who gives a f***.
by maul99
I knew this was gonna happen....as I dusted off my The Last Boy Scout DVD, I knew that the unshaven, squirrel-screwing, jig-dancing, hard-drinking, Milo ass-kicking bastard would be back.
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According to Polanski's auto-biography, when the Towne's Chinatown script first came across his desk, it was a convoluted piece of crap. Polanski and Towne went through massive rewrites before the finished product made onto the screen. They even disagreed about several key scenes (Jake/Mulwray going to bed together, the ENDING!!)... so in conclusion, i think Towne is an over-hyped loser who's been riding the glory of Chinatown his whole life.
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I am so glad Mighty Joe is comming back! I have missed his straight forward, no nonsense approach to movie reviews for a long time. Moriarty is such a fucking hot bag of air, it will be good to get a different point of veiw again. Welcome back Hallenbeck!
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Who cares about anticipating summer movies. I await the RETURN OF HALLENBECK!!!
My mourning (the loss of Gielgud) has been turned to dancing (vile Hallenbeck!!!)
The Grin, grinning so wide his face has cracked in two. -
Hallenbeck Returns! I feel like I should be quoting poetry or scriptures right about now... Y'know like "what fierce beat slouches towards betlehem" an'all that jazz. Ah, I missed that complete bastard in the review section, I really did.
Good god.
I'm speechless.
OH AND, yeah you Harry, you complete redneck bastard, when I asked you what happened to Hallenback you told me he comitted suicide! I was all upset and ashamed and shit. And stuff.
Ah well.
I guess this all goes under the heading "resurrection" which just enforces my belief that scriptures should be quoted due to this momentous occasion.
All hail Hallenbeck!!! -
YOUR MISSION SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT BE GUNNARS FATHER,THE BOY HAS BEEN RAISED BY AN INSANE WOMAN WITH HOLLYWOOD ASPIRATIONS AND NEEDS A SOLID HOME. A HOME WITHOUT DREAMS OF PTA JUMP CUTS AND HOW THE HECK WILL SHE GET THE RIGHTS TO THAT KICK ASS SUBLIME SONG.GUNNAR IS A HUMBLE BOY, ALL HE TRULY CARES ABOUT IS HIS BRITTNEY SPEARS POSTER.PLEASE TRY TO TAKE THIS MISSION ON. IT'S MISSION IMPOSSIBLE NOT MISSION DIFFICULT, REMEMBER THAT WHEN FACED WITH SUCH ADVERSITY AS ACEHOUSTON,OR AS THE SAILORS DOWN AT THE DOCK CALL HER ACE. -
I think it's a shame that our rating system is such that Woo can't show guys getting shot to rags anymore. His American movies are decent..I liked Face/Off a lot,...but it's sad that the best things about Woo were left back in HK. I want to see THE DEVIL SOLDIER! Speaking of the difference between American and HK filmmaking, has anyone here seen the Simon Yam/Lau Ching Wan cop movie EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED? They really mean it...
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At last, Mighty Joe Hallenbeck returns... Here's to hoping his mouth's still as dirty as Grand Central Station. Has it really been an entire year?
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Here
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I always loved Hallenbeck. Because he almost liked nothing. And if he didn't like it, he hated it. If he did like it, he loved it. My reaction to his reviews was always A) If he didn't like it, I didn't consider his opinion at all. B) If he did like it, I was there opening night. Because he hardly ever liked anything, so if he did it had to be good. And I always liked the movies he liked. Harry I usually match up with but not always. He never steers me into a horrible movie but some movies Harry loves I think are only o.k. But if Mighty Joe likes it, I like it usually. Welcome back Hallenbeck, I look forward...
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...I'm impressed with your analysis. That's a VERY convincing argument. I figured that Mighty Joe had to be somebody in the film industry, due to very large periods of absence. At first I thought he might be Ridley Scott, Tony Scott's brother, but that wouldn't make sense because Ridley was only nominated for Thelma and Louise in '92. Tarentino, huh? Hmmmm...
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...has been selling for a while. Criterion Edition. Nice disc.
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. . . so where's Pisso?
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Why do people have to show their John Woo knowledge via referencing to The Killer or Hard-Boiled? If you've seen Taxi Driver and GoodFellas does that make you THE Scorsese afficiando?
Are those the only two flicks people have seen, outside of his American career? What about Once a Thief, Bullet In the Head, or even those goofy comedies he did in the late 70's and 80's? He didn't even start the whole two-gun mayhem technique until he hit it big with A Better Tomorrow in 1986. He's got a whole decade and a half of movies out there, before The Killer.
But I believe the rights to The Killer on DVD reverted back to Media Asia after Criterion lease was up. You can still find it on DVD via that way, if you have any stores in your area that are a Chinese video store, or specify in HK films. There's even a couple of websites where you can find this import for a fairly cheap price.
But if you were lucky enough, the laserdisc reissue of The Killer Criterion DVD had a lot better extra features on them. The Chinese import will just have a trailer for it, and some other movies they've released on DVD, if it's anything like the other Media Asia films. No commetary or deleted scenes.
As for the return of Hallenbeck to the site, is it me, or am I the only person who was glad he was gone? His babblings were infatile, and contradictary (read The Phantom Menace one again to see what I mean), and his selections in what he recommended weren't that great. (Anyone remember him saying that awful Very Bad Things or Armageddon were some of the best of 1998?)
I look forward to his return like getting a mouth sore on the back of my tongue.
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May 22, 2000 10:00:09 PM CDT
Thank the maker! The Mighty Joe Hallenbeck rides again!
by the black adder
This place has been in serious need of a shot of testosterone since you've been gone. I want a no bullshit review tomorrow!
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Man, time flies. It seems like only yesterday that Hallenbeck was a AICN staple, spewing forth that unmistakable Hallenbeck venom. Jeez, I've been comin' to this site for over four years now. (Remember the old, shitty grey background with the headlines down the center of the screen?) Anyway, in all that time, Hallenbeck was always the best of the AICN bunch. I really missed him this March when we didn't get one of his Academy Awards prediction rants. ("Fuckin' Academy!" as Joe would say.) Last thing I remember ol' Joe doin' was reviewing "Pleasantville," a film that was nowhere near as good as Joe, Harry and the other AICNers said it was. I wonder if they all still feel that way? (You know how opinions tend to change like that around here.) Anyway, welcom back Joe. Hope you stay awhile ya bastard.
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you guys are TOO fucking serious
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Maybe Hallenback is to Harry Knowles as Tyler Durden is to Ed Norton's character in Fight Club. You are not the contents of your website. You are not how many links you have on your page. You are not your size 50 khakis. We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.
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May 22, 2000 10:33:49 PM CDT
In some ways, Hallenbeck is actually better then my fave. . .
by sith lord jesus
. . .Mr. Cranky, because while Mighty Joe has actually been known to like *some* films; Cranky seems to hate everything that comes down the pike. This makes his opinions look alot less, um, real. I mean, the guy rates movies by how many bombs he gives them! So while it's kinda nice to watch The Crankster really nuke a flick what deserves it (i.e., BATTLEFIELD EARTH); Hallenbeck's opinions, while excessively profane, actually seem like those of a real person. I still think he's Harry's alter-ego, though. Didn't you once say, Harry, not long after he'd left that The Mighty One had gotten a girl and settled down in domestic bliss? Anyone else around here remember that?
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I thought Hallenbeck was so disillusioned after seeing Episode 1 he swore off movies forever, and ended up getting married. What a loser. :)
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May 23, 2000 2:00:22 AM CDT
Harry pulls out aicn's trump card as Hallenbeck, like Dice Clay,
by aboonig?
Only, Dice Clay was slightly funnier. , I predict the IPO opens at .002
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Although I disagreed with Hallenbeck more often than not, I welcome him back as a brother. I still think he's far too reactionary and judgmental. But like my favorite Bruce Willis character from that underrated and ultra-cynical 1991 film, he's a lowlife - so what? Big Deal. It's almost like Shane Black's Boy Scout has a life all his own.
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BULLET IN THE HEAD is his best movie.
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I haven't checked the rest of the site yet today, but I feel like the only sane person who has seen this film. Why is everyone being so nice to it? Mission Impossible 2 is terrible. Yes, Ms Newton is superbly photographed, but that is about the film's only good feature. Towne's script, if it wasn't silently doctored by 3 or 4 Scientologists, is a blatant rip off of Hitchcock's "Notorious." Except Hitchcock's movie made sense. MI2 is incredibly talky. Yet the more they talk, the less you know about the convoluted plot with its incomprehensible Maguffin concerning a virus and its antidote. Please, you silently beg to the screen, Stop talking so I can finally understand the plot! Why are the encounters between Cruise and his boss Hopkins so hostile? I didn't get them. The villain Dougray Scott has an unfathonable Irish accent. His genre-traditional sidekick, a sort of asexual guy who seems to have a Hitchcockian jealousy about his partner getting back with Newton, looks so much like Scott that sometimes you have a hard time telling them apart. And the filmmakers are SO in love with the face-mask tearing off CGI gag that they use it way too many times. So many, in fact, that the trick actually ends up spoiling a key plot point that preludes the final chase scene. The action sequences are risible (at the screening I saw, the audience ended up outright laughing and snorting uninhibitedly at them). I mean, really, Tom Cruise can FLY? He can ride along side his motorcycle on the soles of his shoes like some character out of a Film Board of Canada short? And the fight scene at the end is more like a bad imitation of the WWF than a truly suspenseful, tough, scary fight to the death ("Torn Curtain," Lang's "Cloak and Dagger"). So it's a John Woo film, so what; so it has Cruise two-handing guns, and the pigeons, and the betrayed friends, so what? Either Woo has allowed his talent and career to go down the toilet under total compromise from Hollywood, or he is one of those high profile foreign directors who are incredibly overrated by people who don't understand his culture.
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Nice that you're back; that way I don't have to tear yet another new asshole in that Nazi shitwipe who posted garbage here a week or two ago. People who rip off other people's screen names should be taken out and shot. Doesn't AICN have some way to prevent this? Slashdot.com sure does; once a name is chosen no one else can use it. AICN could do worse then to impliment something like that here, along with slashdot's reader-controlled moderation system.
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