Is there a less inspired filmmaker than Andy Fickman? I'm sure there is, but for the 104 minutes of my life that I'll never get back watching PARENTAL GUIDANCE, I was hard pressed to think of one. If you didn't know better (and I don't), you could almost envision a scenario where Fickman actually hates his audience, but thanks to his semi-hit THE GAME PLAN (with Dwayne Johnson learning he's the father of an 8-year-old girl), I guess he gets to insult us with movie after movie like SHE'S THE MAN; his re-teaming with The Rock, RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN; and truly one of the most appalling films in the last five years, YOU AGAIN.
PARENTAL GUIDANCE isn't offensive (if anything, it's sickeningly sweet) or rip-roaringly dumb. It just sits there being obvious, predictable and trite. Billy Crystal and Bette Midler play two old people, so you can guess the jokes that come flying out of their mouths like a soft bowel movement. Crystal is a baseball announcer for a minor league team, who is fired when the team decides to modernize the franchise. When his daughter (Marisa Tomei) and her husband (Tom Everett Scott) decide to take their first vacation together in years, they call on the grandparents to babysit for the first time. Tomei is something of a modern parent, who doesn't believe in sugar for her kids or criticizing them; while Crystal and Midler are, shock of shocks, old fashioned. Tomei delays leaving on the trip a couple of times because she's petrified to leave her kids with these ancient maniacs.
What follows are antics, plain and simple and dull. Grandpa Artie hates that his grandson's little league team doesn't believe in outs or keeping score properly, and he storms the umpire to make his protests known. He secretly sets up a job interview with ESPN while he's visiting, but it conflicts with a playdate he's supposed to go to with his grandkid, so he drags the kid along with him. What could go wrong? Meanwhile, Grandma Diane is teaching her granddaughter how to wear makeup because she's going to a party at the home of a boy she likes. Buried in the schmaltz are messages about family, and learning to live in the new information age while maintaining a love for old-school things that made us more human and caring.
PARENTAL GUIDANCE is the worst kind of pandering perfectly blended into the worst kind of filmmaking. After such a great run in films like THE WRESTLER, BEFORE THE DEVEIL KNOWS YOU'RE DEAD, CYRUS, and even CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE, it's especially sad to see Tomei take such a nosedive into this barrel-scraping comedy. I have some vague recollection of a time when Crystal was better than this. I'm not sure he was ever cutting edge, but at least he was good for a bunch of one-liners to keep the mood light. But he looks like an old lesbian here, his face mangled from an untold number of adjustments.
Seriously, if you're even contemplating seeing this movie, slap yourself repeatedly until the thought passes. If you really have the need to see a junky comedy with your grandmother this holiday season, make it THE GUILT TRIP. At least there are a few laughs in that one. Let's face it, if you've made it this far in the review, you're probably a lost cause at this point. Venture into a theater playing this one at your own peril.
