Ain't It Cool News (www.aintitcool.com)
Review

JACK REACHER is a smart brutal suspense flick... just what I'd hope Christopher McQuarrie would make!

 

I’ve seen JACK REACHER for about a month now.   Just cleared the embargo stage so let’s hop right into it.   Why should you give two shits about this film?   Well, it is based on a series of books by Lee Child that has huge fans.   Reacher is essentially the most badass Military Detective that there ever was.   He found problems.   That life is in the rearview and now he wanders the earth like Kane from Kung Fu having adventures.   Now, there’s no Eastern philosophy.   Jack Reacher is a bit more like John Rambo…  except a whole lot more functional.   Rambo’s zero to sixty is almost instantaneous.   Jack Reacher has that kind of acceleration of violence, but he has a rather intense personal code.   I’m pretty sure he belongs behind bars…  but he’s kinda like the whole damn A-TEAM boiled into one very lethal Tom Cruise.

 

Reacher is probably a bit more talkative than his character in the book, but McQuarrie’s dialogue for Reacher is so choice.   In fact if you watch Cruise’s Jack Reacher…  efficient & precise describe his actions, dialogue and line of thought.   Shortest distances.   He keeps things explosive, even if they’re barbs of the verbal side.  

 

You should not be surprised.   This film is the second feature film directed by Christopher McQuarrie.    The first is an intensely violent crime film called THE WAY OF THE GUN.   McQuarrie is all kinds of sharp.   He writes and directs like a clockwork mechanism.   You always can look and marvel at the film as it comes together.   It is deliberately clever & I really respond to that in a film like this.  

 

JACK REACHER is an old school man with internally created way of life.   He’s a man like The Outlaw Josey Wales.   And that’s a very good film to conjure when talking about this movie.   You’re talking ex-Military badass, never able to return home.   Living day by day the way he lives.   He’s a violent man.   He stays off the clock, between the shadows.   He uses the Greyhound bus system to travel.   No ID checks, no tracking.   You get the idea…  trouble finds him…  you also get the idea that people around him get hurt and he moves forward.   Always forward.   He doesn’t do anything that he can’t live with.  

 

Now the bad guys in this are into political corruption, they’re part of the infection feeding on society, but that’s getting ahead of myself.  

 

The film starts off with a sniper mass murder spree.  Brutal and not glorified.   It isn’t a cool scene…  it’s an oddly familiar one.   The kind of thing you wouldn’t be surprised to have explode into tomorrow’s media.   They quickly capture the “guy” – he’s disenfranchised, ex-military…  even had a history of this kind of thing.   All the evidence points to him and there is an OVERWHELMING CASE against him.   He says, GET JACK REACHER.  

 

Like I said, this crime has the media circus swirling and even a transient badass like Reacher sees the news and he had sworn to this killer that…   Well, that’d be telling too much.   Rosamund Pike plays the lawyer defending the mass murderer against her DA Father.  Things occur, Reacher begins helping the Defense after checking out the evidence.  He smells a frame.   Rosamund suffers a bit in the film from that Sondra Locke in JOSEY WALES syndrome.   When you have Josey Wales in a movie, do you really crave anything else?   She isn’t bad…  she’s just doesn’t have THE part, ya know?  Between Cruise and…  WERNER HERZOG!

 

Now – I love films like this.   Trail mysteries where each breadcrumb leads to the next – and then…  eventually people are being killed in Werner Herzog’s fucking presence – because WERNER HERZOG is one of the scariest men ever.   God bless him.   He’s our Eric Von Stroheim and I adore him.   People remain mysteries when they’re tough and when you hear the story Herzog tells about his character’s origin….   It is SO AWESOME – it’s a classic McQuarrie criminal bedtime tale – and I can’t get enough of these.   It isn’t as operatic at Keyser Soze, but you can bet Keyser likes The Zec’s style.  

 

If you love PARKER movies, this is a movie and a character of that kind of determination.   JACK REACHER is made of that pulp – and McQuarrie knows that pulp.   Cruise smartly puts himself in McQuarrie’s hands and the film that comes out of that has a wonderful swagger.  

 

OH and Robert Duvall is a retired Marine with a Shooting Range that Reacher ends up at…   and Duvall is totally in the Chief Dan George – CHARACTER & COLOR mode.   He’s awesome.   Just like Chief Dan George was awesome in Josey Wales.  

 

Now I know, I’ve brought up THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES so I assume you have to want to know, what’s better?   Well, OUTLAW JOSEY WALES.  Duh.   By miles, because that’s my favorite Eastwood western.   Love it.    And to have a film set in the current world that evokes that iconic man of mystery.   The alley angel you hope is out there maybe putting a few wrongs right the wrong way.   

 

This film is called JACK REACHER and after you see it, you’ll know the name and what it stands for.  

 

Also keep your eyes on David Oyelowo, he’s the investigatind Detective on the case that starts the film.  He does real good work in a role that lets him have some fun.   He keeps doing really wonderful work in film.  Can’t wait to see what he has for us next.

 

 

I’m so happy that McQuarrie finally has that career fire burning that I’ve wanted for him ever since I saw WAY OF THE GUN.   Can I mention that film enough?   And if McQuarrie gets to make a MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE film like it looks like, it’ll be one helluva caper flick…  hope there’s some genuine flim flam going on.  

 

12 years between his first and second feature and McQuarrie is improving with age!   Now it  gets really interesting.

Readers Talkback
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  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:34 a.m. CST

    D-

    by mr teaspoon

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:35 a.m. CST

    your review, that is

    by mr teaspoon

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:41 a.m. CST

    Tom Cruise wrote this review.

    by Kev

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:42 a.m. CST

    Tom apparently loves Jose Wales...

    by Kev

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:58 a.m. CST

    Fifth

    by carl

    Fuckin' A

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:59 a.m. CST

    Way of the gun was a really awesome low budget film

    by mutombo

    one of the best and most original chase sequences I have ever seen. And they HAD to do it that way, because there was no budget. I hope the creativity's still there for the Jack Reacher film, because if so, this might be a pretty good action film too.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 3:08 a.m. CST

    Shill/plant/shit review whatever

    by pearlanddean

    This aint as adaptation of the Jack Reacher books, it's something else that happens to share a name. Lee Child whored out his principles and his 6'5" monster of a creation to give this smooth faced, cult weirdo another vehicle to ruin. Not one mention of the fact that a dwarf is playing the role of a giant? What a bullshit review, more of a paid advertising shtick. Fuck this site.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 3:28 a.m. CST

    I’ve seen JACK REACHER for about a month now.

    by Adam D. Kline

    Did-- did someone actually write that?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 3:29 a.m. CST

    Hello? Who wrote this effing thing, Jesus?

    by Anthony Torchia

    Did it spontaneously spring into existence, like Athena out of the head of Zeus? I rarely call bullshit on this site, everyone is entitled to an opinion, but no one is identified as the author of this thing. So, BULLSHIT!

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 3:35 a.m. CST

    Only Harry could have done this.

    by Scott Sullivan

    He - doesn't. Understand... PUNCTUATION!

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 3:39 a.m. CST

    Seriously, WTF!

    by Anthony Torchia

    I have defended you people in the past, was I an idiot to do so? How can something WITHOUT ATTRIBUTION end up here? If you fix this quickly, my trust will be (mostly) restored. This never should have been published and speaks to something being really rotten in Denmark. You do care about your credibility, don't you?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 3:44 a.m. CST

    Going to watch this for Herzog.

    by alex

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 3:54 a.m. CST

    review sounds awfully fishy

    by Hugh Gustavus

    Outlaw josey wales? What a crap comparison to a stock hollywood studio movie of 2012.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 3:56 a.m. CST

    walking out of fast moving car

    by Hugh Gustavus

    I know there is a suspension of disbelief, but that moment in the trailer is ridiculous. Its a ripoff of RED, but at least that movie is supposed to be a cheesy over the top comedy

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 3:56 a.m. CST

    Didnt know Reacher was a 50yo gay midget

    by Hugh Gustavus

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 4:33 a.m. CST

    Was this a review? :o

    by Jeespox

    What the... where was the review, the real stuff that ciritique is made of?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 4:54 a.m. CST

    Is it too much to ask that a writer signs their work?

    by smylexx

    Do we have to guess who wrote this? Harry, would you like an editor?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 5 a.m. CST

    Still wondering

    by Dr. Zempf

    Wonder when Harrys self imposed embargo on reviewing Skyfall Mighty be lifted

  • It's true. Every single fan of these books is a FUCKING GIANT compared with Tom Cruise.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 5:11 a.m. CST

    Love Josey Wales

    by Salamander

    Ah the Missouri boat ride.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 5:13 a.m. CST

    I’ve seen JACK REACHER for about a month now.

    by JP

    And who ARE you??? Pathetic.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 5:16 a.m. CST

    Of course it's Harry.

    by markytorture

    You can tell by the appalling, incoherent stream-of-consciousness writing. I wonder if he ever reads through anything he's written before posting it? I am assuming he doesn't.

  • No, we don't. This film has nothing to do with The Outlaw Josey Wales and a comparison between the two has no place in a review for THIS film. God, first Mr. Beaks drops a fucking Skidoo reference into his Hobbit review, now this.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 5:37 a.m. CST

    * because

    by brokentusk

    It's almost 2013. We have robots that clean carpets for us. An edit function on a message board shouldn't be too much to ask.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 5:43 a.m. CST

    Maybe the most poorly written review ever on this site

    by Jared

    No wonder no one is claiming authorship.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 5:53 a.m. CST

    Harry, this review is.....

    by benlinus

    a TOTAL fucking embarrassment.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 5:58 a.m. CST

    Jack Reacher V Michael Westen..?

    by workshed

    From Harry's review he makes it sound like a Romany version of Burn Notice, but the question is, who would win a battle of wits?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6 a.m. CST

    Now imagine Dolph Lundgren as Reacher

    by fanboy71

    Fans of the book are PISSED that Cruise was hired to play Reacher. Fans of the books are PISSED that "Lee Child" pimped his character out for a paycheck instead of standing his ground and insisting on a proper characterization. This may be a good film, but it will never be a Jack Reacher film. Reboot! Too soon? Not these days!

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:16 a.m. CST

    Harry. You need to finish grade school, you thick twat.

    by scotty lines

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:22 a.m. CST

    Jack reaches...for things on the top shelf

    by Bass Ackwards

    Cause he's short! This joke get made already? How about.... Jack reaches...around! Reach around! Cause he's gay!

  • this review is the worst piece of shit I've ever read! Harry, what have you done to this once really cool website?

  • I have recently developed a bad habit of writing in a stream of consciousness mode and it really is lazy, incoherant and unpleasant to read. No more! I shall take better care in my writing, no matter how small.

  • Cruise delivering the tough guy lines in the trailer just sounds like an agressive car salesman. "You think I'm a hero? Let me tell you something, I am NOT a hero. And if you're smart, that scares you because I'm a burned out loose cannon cliché on the ragged edge and I just hit rock bottom with nothing to lose."

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:26 a.m. CST

    I’ve seen JACK REACHER for about a month now

    by Bass Ackwards

    No wonder the glowing review, the first month if any relationship is always the honeymoon period.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:39 a.m. CST

    HARRY'S 'REAL' REVIEW OF THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

    by scotty lines

    I HATE CHRISTOPHER NOLAN. HE LAUGHED IN MY FACE WHEN I SHOWED HIM MY BATMAN UNDERPANTS WHEN I SHOWED UP ON SET UNANNOUNCED. HE SAID MY UNPRODUCED BATMAN SCRIPT NEEDED MORE WORK WHILE LAUGHING AND POINTING OUT SPELLING ERROARS AND SAID IT DIDN'T LOOK PROFESSIONAL WITH THE GRAVY STAINS ON THE COVER. FUCKING HACK. AND THEN HE DIDN'T INVITE ME TO THE SET AND DIDN'T SEND ME A FULL SCALE TUMBLER AND HE DIDN'T DEDICATE THE MOVIE TO ME EVEN THOUGH HE STOLE MY IDEAS. NOW THIS PISSES ME OFF! NOLAN YOU FUCKING HACK!

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:45 a.m. CST

    Is this supposed to be a review?

    by The Equalizer

    Sentences. Strung together. More stops than a Greyhound Bus. Brutal. Utter. Shit.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:56 a.m. CST

    Gay porn movie adaptation: JACK REACHAROUND

    by DonLogan

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 7:02 a.m. CST

    This review is a lowpoint....even for Harry

    by yourebreakingthejacket

    From the stupid, self-involved title to the probably ludicrous comparisons to The Outlaw Josey Wales, this review has reached a new height in Harry's gushing, sophmoric, young girl fainting at the sight of the Beatles, syccophantic rants. Never read the Reacher novels, but they sound cool. They sound similiar in theme to Vachss' Burke series. Harry's mental retardation and unclean fawning aside, I would see this for McQuarrie and Herzog's involvement.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 7:03 a.m. CST

    Harry we love ya... Take 6 months off.

    by Mr Soze

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 7:45 a.m. CST

    Harry, you had one month to write this review?

    by Stifler's Mom

    It's kind of amazing to think of all the great journalism that has been hammered out at 2AM in order to meet a crazy deadline. Harry had a month to compose this review and didn't even remember to sign it. HELP WANTED MUCH?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 7:52 a.m. CST

    What is more ridiculous Cruise as Reacher or this review

    by Miyamoto_Musashi

    Cruise as a character whose physical size and presence is critical to the character, or this terribly written drivel that is trying to pose as a review

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 7:55 a.m. CST

    who cares wrote the review?

    by Buffalo500

    this is McQuarrie's follow up to Way of the Gun, one of the best bad ass films that Peckinpah never made.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 7:55 a.m. CST

    Lee Child likes the movie.

    by Gary Makin

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:03 a.m. CST

    Ray Stevenson should have been Reacher.

    by bluelou_boyle

    Or Opie from SONS OF ANARCHY

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:12 a.m. CST

    This can't be Harry's review....

    by SlickyVonBoner

    cause he didn't talk about himself for the first 5 paragraphs. No giggling either.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:14 a.m. CST

    Harry - Reading Is Fundamental...

    by Ninja Nerd

    ...and a proofreader who doesn't mind hurting your feelings would be of great benefit. Lee Child's Reacher novels are excellent; you should grab "Killing Floor" and actually see who the character is. While Tom Cruise is not on my list of actors to play Reacher in any universe / timeline, I'm still in the seat Opening Day. Lee Child is 'happy' with the film....well, DUH! What author would go "hmm...make a 17 book series's first outing on screen with Tom Cruise or pass?" and NOT go "Tom's a great choice....love this movie!"???? Janet Evanovich loved "One For The Money" and Katherine Heigl....hell, they even shot the first novel...and it mostly sucked rocks. Just saying, an 'endorsement' from the author means little, at least to me.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:22 a.m. CST

    lol...irony

    by The_Cellarrat

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:23 a.m. CST

    This is Harry's review.

    by Deceased Fan

    Like we couldn't tell. Why he didn't sign it? Who the he'll knows? However, he did put it in his review column at the bottom of the main page.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:23 a.m. CST

    Once again...

    by Codename V

    Dolph Lundgren could not act his way out of a box. Do you want the look of Reacher or the feel of Reacher. (insert gay joke here) Anyway, lundgren sucks, Cruise gives it a chance... We'll see.

  • Trust no one.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:29 a.m. CST

    Who the fck wrote this?

    by steele8280

    And who still says things are "choice"?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:39 a.m. CST

    I picture Sean Bean when I read the Reacher books.

    by YourMomsBox3D

    I've read the last one for about a month now.

  • -You always can look and marvel at the film as it comes together. -Why should you give two shits about this film? -JACK REACHER is an old school man with internally created way of life. -Living day by day the way he lives. -When you have Josey Wales in a movie, do you really crave anything else? -Now I know, I’ve brought up THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES so I assume you have to want to know, what’s better? Well, OUTLAW JOSEY WALES. Duh. -He does real good work in a role that lets him have some fun. He keeps doing really wonderful work in film. -And if McQuarrie gets to make a MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE film like it looks like, it’ll be one helluva caper flick… hope there’s some genuine flim flam going on. *Thesis Statement/Topic Sentence misplaced at the end of the article rather than the beginning: -This film is called JACK REACHER and after you see it, you’ll know the name and what it stands for. *Greatest Plot Synopsis Ever (as used in this review): -Things occur *Analysis in that, in the context of this review, exemplifies the meaning of Irony: -Reacher is probably a bit more talkative than his character in the book, but McQuarrie’s dialogue for Reacher is so choice. In fact if you watch Cruise’s Jack Reacher… efficient & precise describe his actions, dialogue and line of thought. Shortest distances. He keeps things explosive, even if they’re barbs of the verbal side.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:53 a.m. CST

    This review should sink this site.

    by JP

    Over the last 2 years this site had been like watching my brightest daughter hit the heroin.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:54 a.m. CST

    Took him a month to come up with this review...

    by UCB Agent1

    That is amazing. The whole thing reads like you wrote a giant wall of text and then randomly selected where the paragraphs should go. On the topic of the movie, I do think it shows promise. Cruise is wrong for Reacher, and the title blows, but the trailers have been solid.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 9:01 a.m. CST

    I keep my barbs on the verbal side, too.

    by MrWug

    That's what me and Jack Reacher have in common.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 9:02 a.m. CST

    Plant hacks site; posts review

    by wash

    I think the plant was David Miscavige.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 9:08 a.m. CST

    Its Harry. His Twitter told me so.

    by Logan_1973

    As if the writing style didn't give it away.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 9:11 a.m. CST

    Harry Loves Another Paramount Picture? Of course he does!

    by Richard Wold

    Wow Harry, you haven't done a positive write up for Paramount in awhile. What's the matter? The checks aren't rolling in like they used to?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 9:16 a.m. CST

    This article was published at 2:32 am

    by yourebreakingthejacket

    One can only hope Harry was drunk or hopped up on meds when he wrote this garbage. When intoxicated, an internet connection, smartphone..etc can be a dangerous weapon, Harry.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 9:16 a.m. CST

    So, he's an asshole

    by Steve Lamarre

    but we're expected to pay $12 to watch him be the dickhead Andrew Dice Clay of action heroes.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 9:18 a.m. CST

    HEY IT GUY: ADD A BY-LINE TO YOUR POST TEMPLATE

    by LazyDolphin

    So that when the writers forget to identify themselves we readers don't all have mini-meltdowns.

  • ...no shit? Wow. Seal of approval from this 'reviewer'= fucking avoid...

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:01 a.m. CST

    This looks like a decent Action Flick

    by Wcwlkr

    I'm really looking forward to seeing this. Personal life aside I couldn't care less I love Tom Cruise's movies. Typically very entertaining, even Knight & Day was watchable.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:17 a.m. CST

    Jeebus what a terribly written review, Harry.

    by D.Vader

    That read like a 12 year olds book report, full of short, staccato sentences and random segues.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:18 a.m. CST

    This review sends me straight to collider.com

    by Raptor Jesus

    A much better movie site that would never publish something this badly written.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:19 a.m. CST

    tom don't know jack

    by tacoplenty

    As a long time fan of the book series and a long time tom cruise detractor, I can't see this film working. My bias is so strong, i'll wait to see this when it hits redbox.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:24 a.m. CST

    "Jeebus what a terribly written review, Harry." Par for the course.

    by AlienFanatic

    I pretty much skip Harry's review and go straight to the talkbacks. Usually, after getting ripped for awhile, he'll pop back in and clarify. The guy doesn't even give two shits and a wipe about editing, structure, or coherence. Harry's reviews are interesting in the same vein as that crazy uncle you know that likes to masturbate in public places.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:26 a.m. CST

    Notice that the review never actually praises the film itself.

    by ColonelFatheart

    The closest it comes to that is in the third paragraph, and even there it's not praise. **He writes and directs like a clockwork mechanism. You always can look and marvel at the film as it comes together. It is deliberately clever & I really respond to that in a film like this. **

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:26 a.m. CST

    I don't know why I ever expect better of him, Alienfanatic

    by D.Vader

    I think because I believe his reviews USED to be better written, and he's just gotten worse (lazier) over the years. He doesn't try anymore. And it shows.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:30 a.m. CST

    *Now it gets interesting* is just a nice way of saying:

    by ColonelFatheart

    Okay, this movie isn't that good, but McQuarrie has talent, and hey, maybe I'll get a MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE set visit!

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:33 a.m. CST

    I'd respect Harry if he at least signed his payola reveiw

    by daggor

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:40 a.m. CST

    I'm back to say it again, THIS UNSIGNED REVIEW IS BULLSHIT

    by Anthony Torchia

    Seriously, you are either incompetent or for sale. NO ONE writes unsigned reviews except idiots and whores. Which are you?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:42 a.m. CST

    I'm Guessing....

    by benlinus

    that with the vitriol that is being spilt here, this TB will soon be LOCKED....I've seen some spicey TB's before but this one is getting GOOD!

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:43 a.m. CST

    I'm sorry but at 5'7 you cannot be a badass

    by Robert Hand

    LOGIC DOES NOT COMPUTE

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:45 a.m. CST

    Or maybe Harold did actually like the movie, but forgot most of it.

    by ColonelFatheart

    He did see it a month ago, and this smells like a midnight rush job to get something on record.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:46 a.m. CST

    this review was written by Xenu

    by Robert Hand

  • Harry spies an opportunity to work his way into Cruise's team of blogging buddies, as he did with Mel Gibson and Sly Stallone.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:48 a.m. CST

    I dont care how much krav maga you know

    by Robert Hand

    at 5'7 you're going to look like an angry little dude with an inferiority complex.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:49 a.m. CST

    Bruce Lee was 5'7".

    by ColonelFatheart

    So, uh, yeah ...

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:50 a.m. CST

    Manny Pacquiao ... 5'7"

    by ColonelFatheart

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:51 a.m. CST

    Now it gets really interesting...

    by Robert Hand

    for what? another 12 year wait for another average, sub-par movie that belongs in the Netflix watch instantly graveyard? If I feel the need to watch a short man's action movie, I'm sure MI:3 will suffice.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:54 a.m. CST

    drunklitigator

    by Robert Evans

    Don't be ignorant in one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like Ignorance. Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like Ignorance. Now you put ignorance in a cup, it becomes the cup; You put ignorance into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now ignorance can flow or it can crash. Be ignorant, my friend. Excerpt form the Art of Chop.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:55 a.m. CST

    cue insulted short guy

    by Robert Hand

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:56 a.m. CST

    Yes, Manny Pacquiao is a bad ass

    by Robert Hand

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:57 a.m. CST

    among other people 5'7

    by Robert Hand

    lets see him against ali.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:58 a.m. CST

    drunklitigator just got schooled

    by D.Vader

    And yes, someone shorter than 6 foot can be a badass. In fact, its more impressive in a film if the 5'7" guy is a badass rather than the 6'5" one.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:04 a.m. CST

    What's an investigatind Detective?

    by Joey Stars

    Spell check. Use it.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:07 a.m. CST

    "People remain mysteries when they’re tough"

    by D.Vader

    *SPITS CHEERIOS ALL OVER THE COMPUTER SCREEN*

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:15 a.m. CST

    Guys..this is obviously the work of Harry

    by Robert Evans

    And in the early stages it had a sign off on it, but Beaks deleted it in retaliation to his TREK story getting erased.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:15 a.m. CST

    did Yoko write this?

    by Barnald

    did you write this Yoko?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:16 a.m. CST

    I don't want to believe this is Harry

    by Yeah I Wrote That

    That Twitter post is pretty damning though. Please come clean and explain that your nephew wrote this or you accidentally posted the wrong file. I even give you permission to outright LIE about it if it was in fact you. This is one of the most pathetic things I've ever read on a professional site. Nearly every paragraph is meme-worthy. You should take this thing down before I have to read quotes from it in every talkback for the rest of the site's existence. The Troll 2 of movie reviews.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:20 a.m. CST

    Choppah

    by Robert Hand

    you'd be a whole lot more credible if you were gainfully employed.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:26 a.m. CST

    This has gotta be a Harry review

    by Beebop

    It has all the hallmarks: it's incomprehensible, it's hyperbolic, it reads as if written by a mentally-incapacitated 6th-grader. However, the movie itself IS getting decent buzz, and I enjoyed the 5-on-1 fight clip from yesterday.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:31 a.m. CST

    drunklitigator

    by Robert Evans

    If employment equates to credibility then i am the Unabomber.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:33 a.m. CST

    drunlitigator would be a whole lot more credible...

    by D.Vader

    If he hadn't already made himself look foolish with that 5'7" comment.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:34 a.m. CST

    The Troll 2 of movie reviews

    by benlinus

    fucking genius.....

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:37 a.m. CST

    Brian Cox wrote this review

    by gooseud

    This review is all an inside joke between Harry and his dad that we just aren't privy to.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:41 a.m. CST

    Franco Columbu is 5'5" as well. Doubt I'd talk shit to him

    by AlienFanatic

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:47 a.m. CST

    Wait, so unemployment renders all opinions invalid?

    by The Garbage Man

    Dear god no... this review... people! It's the review! Don't you see?! We are ALL infected now! WE ARE THE WALKING STUPID!

  • Dec. 6, 2012, noon CST

    I don't know about the rest of you...

    by The_Cellarrat

    ...but I saved this abortion to my home computer, for future reference. It is just so bad that I bet Quint or Beaks or someone will convince him that he finally has to edit it majorly or take it down out of embarrassment. I only hope that it doesn't contain a virus that makes my computer stupid as well.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 12:14 p.m. CST

    d.vader: Spot on with that book report comparison

    by ColonelFatheart

    Sentences like this are the hallmark of a half-assed book report thrown together the night before it's due. It's like it builds up to a definite, pithy conclusion that actually says nothing, but then the writer sees that he hasn't written enough to meet the minimum word count! I know because I used to do this shit all the time ... in fourth and fifth grade, before we could type shit out on computers. *This film is called JACK REACHER and after you see it, you’ll know the name and what it stands for. Also keep your eyes on David Oyelowo, he’s the investigatind Detective on the case that starts the film. He does real good work in a role that lets him have some fun. He keeps doing really wonderful work in film. Can’t wait to see what he has for us next.* *real good work*! Holy shit ...

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 12:22 p.m. CST

    Gruemanlives your dog is a Paramount shill. FACT!!!

    by Rob

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 12:38 p.m. CST

    Mark my words....

    by benlinus

    in 5-7 years we will refer to this TB much the way we fondly remember and refer to the "Godzilla Debacle"

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 12:49 p.m. CST

    Line-by-Line breakdown of this review.

    by The_Cellarrat

    I’ve seen JACK REACHER for about a month now. - Do you mean you saw it a month ago? What do you mean you've SEEN IT FOR A MONTH? Just cleared the embargo stage so let’s hop right into it. - What just cleared? You or the movie?   Why should you give two shits about this film?   - I was hoping your review would tell me, but there's no need to curse at me about it. Well, it is based on a series of books by Lee Child that has huge fans.   - That doesn't help me, and now you are talking to yourself. Reacher is essentially the most badass Military Detective that there ever was.  - As opposed to all those other famous military detectives (racking my brains here). Also, Why capitalize Military Detectives? He found problems.  - My God! Groundbreaking for a detec- I mean, Detective. That life is in the rearview and now he wanders the earth like Kane from Kung Fu having adventures.  - Adventures! Sounds Fun…and I like Kung Fu. Now, there’s no Eastern philosophy.  - You're talking to yourself again…arguing, even. Jack Reacher is a bit more like John Rambo…  except a whole lot more functional.  - Thanks, so you brought up the Kane thing just to negate it. Rambo’s zero to sixty is almost instantaneous.  - Metaphors! But, um, what does this have to do with anything? Jack Reacher has that kind of acceleration of violence, but he has a rather intense personal code. - so, Zero to Sixty when violence is involved, and he has a code. That sentence contradicts itself. I’m pretty sure he belongs behind bars…  but he’s kinda like the whole damn A-TEAM boiled into one very lethal Tom Cruise. - Another reference that will surely dead-end. Harry, you know that sentence actually would make sense if you removed the word *but*, right? Reacher is probably a bit more talkative than his character in the book, but McQuarrie’s dialogue for Reacher is so choice. - He talks more but the dialogue is good. Thank you for finally making a point about the movie, even if you had to resort to Ferris Bueller vocabulary to do it. In fact if you watch Cruise’s Jack Reacher…  efficient & precise describe his actions, dialogue and line of thought. - But if I don't watch him, why am I at a movie theater? Shortest distances.  - Fragment Sentences. He keeps things explosive, even if they’re barbs of the verbal side. - Does he use explosive physical barbs as well? AWESOME! You should not be surprised.   - No, I did pay to see an action movie. I'd be pretty damn stupid to expect Flowers for Algernon or the like. This film is the second feature film directed by Christopher McQuarrie.  - Ladies and Gentlemen!!! The first sentence sp far that makes a clear point, punctuates correctly, and has no extraneous phrases. Bravo, Harry! The first is an intensely violent crime film called THE WAY OF THE GUN. - Keep it up, doin' good! McQuarrie is all kinds of sharp.  - Yeah, losing it with the trite and underperforming metaphors again…. He writes and directs like a clockwork mechanism.  - See above. You always can look and marvel at the film as it comes together.  - Jesus, I hope so… I didn't go in expecting Un Chien Andalau. It is deliberately clever & I really respond to that in a film like this.  - Good to know you don't respond to films that are accidentally clever. JACK REACHER is an old school man with internally created way of life.  - What is this, his resume as written by 1950's central casting? He’s a man like The Outlaw Josey Wales. - Whew! I was nurturing a suspicion that he was a woman. And that’s a very good film to conjure when talking about this movie.  - SO…now you are complimenting yourself on your yet unsupported metaphors? You’re talking ex-Military badass, never able to return home.  - No, you are, but yes, I see the comparison. Living day by day the way he lives. - Is there anyone this sentence does not apply to? He’s a violent man.  - Cohesive sentence #3!!! He stays off the clock, between the shadows.  - The space3 in between shadows is where light is. Think your metaphors though, Harry. He uses the Greyhound bus system to travel.  - I use the Greyhound Bus system to dine. No ID checks, no tracking. - No verbs, no coherence. You get the idea…  trouble finds him…  you also get the idea that people around him get hurt and he moves forward. - I should hope we get the idea, or the filmmaker is seriously lacking. Always forward. - Which direction again? I forgot from the last sentence. He doesn’t do anything that he can’t live with. - Neither do serial killers, but I get your point. Now the bad guys in this are into political corruption, they’re part of the infection feeding on society, but that’s getting ahead of myself. - How so? This is a written review…put it in the order you want to.  The film starts off with a sniper mass murder spree. - Mass and Spree? Damn..now it is really unforgivable. Brutal and not glorified.  - Verbless and Thoughtless. It isn’t a cool scene…  it’s an oddly familiar one. - Good, I wouldn;t want the scene to be like it was a mass murder scene as taken from Swingers. The kind of thing you wouldn’t be surprised to have explode into tomorrow’s media.  - Explode? I'm glad you finally settled on using a verb, but please try again. They quickly capture the “guy” – he’s disenfranchised, ex-military…  even had a history of this kind of thing.  - Why is Guy in quotes? Is it a chick? Is this like The Crying Game? All the evidence points to him and there is an OVERWHELMING CASE against him. - OVERWHELMING CASE in capitals, huh? Judge'll be all over that. He says, GET JACK REACHER. - Did he say the comma out loud too? Like I said, this crime has the media circus swirling and even a transient badass like Reacher sees the news and he had sworn to this killer that…  - Like you said? You've said nothing of the kind yet. Well, that’d be telling too much.  - AGAIN! You are writing this review…why bring it up only to argue with yourself and cut yourself off? Rosamund Pike plays the lawyer defending the mass murderer against her DA Father. - Ah, a plot point. Wow, her father, eh? The only two lawyers in the country? Things occur, Reacher begins helping the Defense after checking out the evidence.  - OH MY GOD! LOOK OUT! THINGS ARE OCCURRING! He smells a frame. - He feels the love. Rosamund suffers a bit in the film from that Sondra Locke in JOSEY WALES syndrome.  - You mean where she's a crappy actress up against a great actor? yeah, I can see that. When you have Josey Wales in a movie, do you really crave anything else? - I crave the requisite amount of proteins and nutrients to survive. She isn’t bad…  she’s just doesn’t have THE part, ya know? - Harry, DO…NOT….WRITE…. BS that makes no sense like that and try to tie it up into a thought by finishing with *ya know?*. Between Cruise and…  WERNER HERZOG! - What is between them? A spider???  Now – I love films like this.  - Only now, or usually? Trail mysteries where each breadcrumb leads to the next – and then…  eventually people are being killed in Werner Herzog’s fucking presence – because WERNER HERZOG is one of the scariest men ever. - That sentence is meant to describe the types of movies Harry likes. I like movies where people get killed in Werner Herzog's presence also. Excuse me, his *fucking* presence. God bless him. - If you're trying to say we have a good villain here, please do so.  He’s our Eric Von Stroheim and I adore him. - I don't follow….because he is germanic, is both a director and actor…what do you mean? People remain mysteries when they’re tough and when you hear the story Herzog tells about his character’s origin….   It is SO AWESOME – it’s a classic McQuarrie criminal bedtime tale – and I can’t get enough of these.  - Wow, that sentence really meandered. By thew way, how can a guy with only one other directed movie under his belt have a *classic* signature? It isn’t as operatic at Keyser Soze, but you can bet Keyser likes The Zec’s style. - Come back Harry. Reality is over here. If you love PARKER movies, this is a movie and a character of that kind of determination. - But only IF I love Parker movies. Both of them? What about PETER PARKER movies? JACK REACHER is made of that pulp – and McQuarrie knows that pulp. - Ick. Cruise smartly puts himself in McQuarrie’s hands and the film that comes out of that has a wonderful swagger. - Cruise puts himself in the hands of a man who knows his pulp and a film comes out. Again, Ick. OH and Robert Duvall is a retired Marine with a Shooting Range that Reacher ends up at…   and Duvall is totally in the Chief Dan George – CHARACTER & COLOR mode. - OH! Thank god you remembered. First draft theater is now on the air! He’s awesome. - Trenchant! Just like Chief Dan George was awesome in Josey Wales. - But only awesome like Dan George was, not awesome like any other awesome movie actors playing great parts well. Now I know, I’ve brought up THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES so I assume you have to want to know, what’s better? - No one cares at this point Harry. You're building a narrative around thoughts you have barely articulated even to yourself. Well, OUTLAW JOSEY WALES.  - Breath was baited, now relieved. Duh.  - You're gonna insult me about an argument you had with yourself? By miles, because that’s my favorite Eastwood western. - The because hardly matches the logical build up, but, um great! Glad you like it. Love it.  - Sorry, glad you LOVE IT. And to have a film set in the current world that evokes that iconic man of mystery.  - …would be the basis for another fragment sentence. The alley angel you hope is out there maybe putting a few wrongs right the wrong way.  - Show me on this doll where the Alley Angel touched you the wrong way.  This film is called JACK REACHER and after you see it, you’ll know the name and what it stands for. - Good God! I bet Jack Reacher was that Jack Reacher guy all along, in that movie I just saw called Jack Reacher! Brilliant!  Also keep your eyes on David Oyelowo, he’s the investigatind Detective on the case that starts the film.  - Sigh, spellcheck, Harry. He does real good work in a role that lets him have some fun. - REAL GOOD WORK. I hope he adds that to his resume. He keeps doing really wonderful work in film. - And on the dance floor, I hear. Can’t wait to see what he has for us next. - Who can't? Me? You? Who am I talking to? I’m so happy that McQuarrie finally has that career fire burning that I’ve wanted for him ever since I saw WAY OF THE GUN. - A pretty slow burn, but yeah. Can I mention that film enough?  - That was only the second time you;ve mentioned it. You mentioned Josey Wales 79 times, though. And if McQuarrie gets to make a MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE film like it looks like, it’ll be one helluva caper flick…  hope there’s some genuine flim flam going on.  - Just spew out some random words there, Harry. No one reads to the bottom of your reviews anyway. 12 years between his first and second feature and McQuarrie is improving with age!  - It is a good way to beat the ol' sophomore sup trend if you take 11 years off between semesters. Now it  gets really interesting. - It already has. Thanks Harry.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 12:54 p.m. CST

    This is without a doubt my favorite review/talkback ever.

    by MrWug

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 12:55 p.m. CST

    There is some genuine flim flam going on.

    by MrWug

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 1:06 p.m. CST

    Cellarrat

    by Jared

    Well done. Epic.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 1:12 p.m. CST

    Read it quick! I'm sure to be banned...see ya'll!

    by The_Cellarrat

  • For one thing, as KNIGHT & DAY proved (if not a few others as well), the days are over when Tom Cruise's name alone allowed you to open a film very well, and especially if it's a property that's not easily known and understood to the more casual movie going audience.<br> <br> I don''t know, maybe it's that the studio has done a poor job marketing this thing, I mean I've never read any of the books (and for the record, I think ONE SHOT is an infinitely better title than the very flat JACK REACHER), but I've watched the spots, and I just don't immediately connect with the material, and get a sense of what it is. There's just something vague and scattered about how this things.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 1:20 p.m. CST

    by Cobra--Kai

    *Ive seen Jack Reacher for a month now.* Holy crackers someone untie this guy from the padded cell hes locked in and turn off the TV. No one should have to endure JACK REACHER looping over and over. Not even this reviewer with no name.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 1:20 p.m. CST

    Harry please do video reviews instead

    by sunwukong86

    Your writing is painful to read

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 1:22 p.m. CST

    Cellerrat

    by Yeah I Wrote That

    You missed one particularly easy target: Lee Child's apparently overweight fan base ("huge fans").

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 1:23 p.m. CST

    epic is the right word

    by satchel

    I've been laughing all day... so this review has turned out to be pretty useful!

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 1:27 p.m. CST

    Cellarrat... The Plinkett of AICN

    by Inexplicable_Nuclear_Balls

    Bravo, kind sir. Bravo.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 1:29 p.m. CST

    WHO WROTE THIS? Did Beaks leave his name off in case Harry wanted to delete it?

    by Stereotypical Evil Archer

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 1:31 p.m. CST

    Oh, THIS IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT, not an opinion, not a review.

    by Stereotypical Evil Archer

    That's why it's anonymous.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 1:34 p.m. CST

    This couldn't have been written by Harry...

    by NoQuarter

    ...because it doesn't include any way-more-than-TMI references to childhood masturbation experiences. That's pretty much his calling card, right?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 1:41 p.m. CST

    This can't be a paid advertisement...

    by FuckinAmateurMan

    Who the hell would ever use it for anything? If I'm proven wrong, and the poster or blu ray quotes Harry Knowles, Ain't it Cool News saying 'Flim Flam!' or some such shenanigans, it would be a defeat for cinema and the English language.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 1:46 p.m. CST

    I smell a frame.

    by MrWug

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 1:47 p.m. CST

    Detonate the review

    by James_Camera_On

    What more could one possibly say? Okay, detonate the reviewer.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 1:53 p.m. CST

    He's putting a few wrongs right the wrong way, right?

    by MrWug

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 1:54 p.m. CST

    Are any talkbakers here writers by trade?

    by yourebreakingthejacket

    I am just wondering if reading Harry's reviews are as frightening to them as biological warfare is to most of the populace? Do they think his atrocious writing style is contagious and then they would have to find another way to earn a living if they somehow caught it from their computers and they began spouting this drivel from their keyboards, as well ?. I sometimes feel progessively more illiterate with each passing sentence--or lack thereof--that Harry writes.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 1:57 p.m. CST

    shameful

    by roderick jeffrey

    The person who wrote this dreck does not love english,grammar,punctuation or even cinema. This is horrible. Harry called this site ain't it cool only in regards to the free crap he's sent. It's clear that the talkbackers respect cinema more than this pasty, spoiled brat ever did. Awful.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:07 p.m. CST

    I’ve seen JACK REACHER for about a month now.

    by ThatEndDown

    Harry (and it can only have been you who wrote this), I have to assume that you meant to say 'I saw JACK REACHER about a month ago.' The sentence as written now makes it sound like you have been dating some guy named Jack Reacher for about a month. How anyone ever takes you and your reviews seriously is beyond my capacity for rational thought.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:10 p.m. CST

    I've always just assumed...

    by keyserSOZE

    ...that Harry failed every English course he ever took. His complete and apparent lack of revisions and actual coherence is absolutely absurd. I applaud the man for his enthusiasm, but his writing has never improved. Ever. In fact, it may have gotten worse over the years. Add the fact that he's now blatantly censoring his contributors, and this site is really going downhill faster than Clark Griswold on a greased up sled.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:12 p.m. CST

    comment #4 BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT

    by Anthony Torchia

    I came back hoping someone would put a name on this magnificent review and its irreplaceable prose. Nope. That's it then, I officially join the haters today, this site has turned to shit. I am seeing Django Unchained Monday, there is no way in hell I am submitting a review to this collection of dolts. Nordling, good luck to you man, you deserve better than this place. See you on Dark Horizons. Peace, out.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:12 p.m. CST

    @yourebreakingthejacket

    by keyserSOZE

    I'm not necessarily a "writer by trade" but I do a lot of freelance stuff (most notably at Cracked), and Harry's reviews are absolutely appalling. I mean, really, just shockingly poorly written.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:15 p.m. CST

    And holy shit...

    by keyserSOZE

    I'm sorry, but I just re-read the review and it pisses me off more and more each time I scan through it. What a fucking joke. Again, Harry, I appreciate your enthusiasm for film, but for the love of god, leave the writing to people who actually understand what a coherent thought looks like.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:16 p.m. CST

    I've seen Jack Reacher for about a month now..

    by yourebreakingthejacket

    ..dude's tending bar over at "Cocktails and Dreams."

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:20 p.m. CST

    I also do some freelance work....

    by FuckinAmateurMan

    And yes, it's hard to reconcile what gets published here. These days, it's even harder to reconcile what gets unpublished. It's as though Harry is censoring those who are trying to help him and this site out of arrested development.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:20 p.m. CST

    Holy shit!

    by SUPERJIM

    What the fuck was that? Surely this review was written in an obscure language and translated to English and back again a few times online. Either that or the "writer" was on drugs at the time. No sober native English speaker was involved in this creation.

  • This movie will rock your cock and balls so hard that they'll explode with enough force to inseminate the twats of every girl in the theatre!!!

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:22 p.m. CST

    @ Superjim

    by The_Cellarrat

    LOL! dead on - it is as if it was translated through 3 languages on Babel Fish.

  • Why the fuck would this site allow an 8 year old to see a violent film like this? Brian Cox would not approve.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:23 p.m. CST

    Jack Reacher as reviewed by Babelfish

    by keyserSOZE

    Babelfish, anyone? Eh? Remember Babelfish? Oh, fuck you guys. Seriously, though. This is just the worst. I love McQuarrie, and as crazy as Cruise is, he's still a fantastic actor, but this review completely turns me off of this film just because of how awful it is. You'd think Harry is an ESL student struggling to earn a C-.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:24 p.m. CST

    @the_cellarrat

    by keyserSOZE

    That is the best advice I've read in a long while. Suddenly this is the best review ever.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:26 p.m. CST

    Harry vs. James Joyce

    by ThatEndDown

    Why is it that I can read and (for the most part) understand James Joyce (this includes Finnegans Wake) yet when I try to read a single sentence from one of Harry's reviews I am stymied?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:26 p.m. CST

    And by the way, Harry...

    by keyserSOZE

    I don't for a second like "Zec's" style. Fuck that guy in the ear. Twice.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:29 p.m. CST

    by Cobra--Kai

    *If this is a plant, Paramount paid him in advance with bourbon and meth. * Hahahahahahaahha! You win the tb with that zinger! You got a genuine lol out of me!!

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:31 p.m. CST

    Harry could not even hold a 9 to 5

    by yourebreakingthejacket

    Imagine being one of his coworkers and having to decipher that shit day in and day out? Fuck man. Someone would take Harry's boxed lunch into the bathroom with them, gently wipe their ass with one slice of bread from his peanut butter, bacon and pastrami sandwhich, and return it to the fridge just for some payback. And Keyser, thanks for the answer and good luck in your writing.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:32 p.m. CST

    @the_cellarrat

    by SUPERJIM

    I typed babel fish first but changed it to "online" as I wasn't sure babel fish was still going and was too lazy to check.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:37 p.m. CST

    noquarter

    by Deceased Fan

    Are you thinking about Neil Cumpston AKA Patton Oswalt.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:39 p.m. CST

    "I remember the first time...I saw - THE A-TEAM...

    by keyserSOZE

    ...and I was just a kid and thinking how much better they'd have been had they had a short guy - no one KNEW he was SHORT - but he EMBODIED ... every member all at ONCE. Well, you can imagine ME as a KID thinking - whoa ... what a thought! And so when I have seen Jack Reacher for a month now - that is how I have been feeling ... ever since. One of the great things about JACK REACHER is that he is just ... totally ... like, a - BADASS. Yeah, sure, Tom Cruise has had his ups and downs, but I met him once ... you don't want to hear the story, but trust me, I'll e-mail it to you ... IF YOU WANT. Anyway, he gives off this lethal vibe that says you DON'T wanna mess with THIS guy - like ... at all. Anyway, getting back to my childhood, I loved TOOTSIE ROLLS - they were fucking outstanding, they gave me more pleasure than a vampire mouth that - REALLY ... looks like a VAGINA. And that's how I earned a restraining order from MR. FUCKING T."

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:43 p.m. CST

    Lol, nice job, Keyser.

    by MrWug

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:46 p.m. CST

    this is bad

    by IWasInJuniorHighDickhead

    That first line is like something my little nephew would say.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:47 p.m. CST

    Noquarter, that was Patton Oswalt

    by IWasInJuniorHighDickhead

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 2:54 p.m. CST

    DeDrek and Cellerat: you made my day

    by Monroville

    And guys? You're complaining NOW about Harry's review, after the abomination that was BLADE 2? Is there anyone here that has been in the TBs long enough to remember "that" one? Oh, you don't?! Well, here you go!: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/11793 Look... we all know the score. In fact, a lot of us (me) come here FOR the massive CHiPs patrol accident. That's just about the only thing that makes this site interesting anymore. So Harry? Keep doing what you're doing. Please keep giving Dedrek a reason for living.. hell, start paying the guy, for he shows just as much dedication to us, the people... the fans... as anyone else who operates Ain't I Cool. Now back to the regularly scheduled program.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 3:10 p.m. CST

    Not Harry

    by originalmemflix

    When the reviewer mentions PARKER, he doesn't start talking about Payback or Helgeland's cut. The reviewer implies that he read Lee Child's Reacher books. Harry rarely reads. Also, not enough hyberbole.

  • Not as good as "I’ve seen JACK REACHER for about a month now." Pardon fuckin me what?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 3:13 p.m. CST

    DAMN...so I screw up Highlights magazine....

    by openthepodbaydoorshal

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 3:21 p.m. CST

    well

    by IWasInJuniorHighDickhead

    I came here back in the 90s because it was pretty much the only film site that was getting good info. It was pretty much the only film site, actually.<P> Harry's direction here has always been kind of slipshod but it was part of the charm, back when the site was breaking stories all over the place and pissing all over The Man. Producers were scared of this site.<P> The talkbacks were what kept people coming back, though. Demon Dave and CHAOS, the time Moriarty called bullshit when Bruce Willis was on here, Harry's NOTLD 30 review... the talkbacks have always been quite trollish, but they were very funny, too. Now we seem like we're kind of humourless about ripping into everything. But shit like this review will bring back some mojo to the talkbacks, i'm laughing already at some of the posts. He's obviously done with the site, even if he's the only one who knows it. But even through all the laziness, pwesents and inexplicable 'giggling', even the inexplicable banhammer epidemics and the insane gullibility when within fifty miles of a fake script, I still feel thankful cause it was a great site at one point and home for a while to some of the funniest motherfuckers out there and it makes me smile just to think of it.

  • http://www.aintitcool.com/node/11793

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 3:39 p.m. CST

    Another nonsense review

    by seteger

    The way this is written, I imagine Harry is dying from a heart attack, clutching his chest between poorly punctuated sentences, hyperventilating.

  • Hi Folk, HARRY HERE, let’s hop right into two shits about this film? efficient & precise . Jack Reacher philosophy is a bit more like John Rambo… except a whole lot morealmost instantaneous. Jack Reacher has that kind of accelerattion. He IS Jack ReaCHER ! I’ve seen Cruise’s JACK REACHER feature film directed by Christopher McQuarrie. The JACK REACHER is an old school man with internally created AWESOME . but he’s kinda like capture the “guy” – he’s disenfranchised REACHER. OH and Robert Duvall is totally in Chief Dan for about a month now. you have to want to know, what’s better? Herzog’s fucking presence – because WERNER HERZOG is one of scariest men . Duh. God bless McQuarrie is improving with age! You get the idea… trouble finds him… He keeps doing really wonderful genuine film working flim flam going on one helluva caper flick…. Faithfully Submitted, Beaks's boss.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 3:53 p.m. CST

    Best TB ever

    by Collin Armstrong

    Kudos to you all.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 3:55 p.m. CST

    Barnald & Cellarrat

    by Collin Armstrong

    Gold stars. LOL'd at both your posts.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 4:02 p.m. CST

    God that was painful to read...stopped early on.

    by knowthyself

    Where's your glowing hobbit review harry?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 4:03 p.m. CST

    In the spirit of the Blade 2 review...

    by keyserSOZE

    "Hi folks - HARRY ... here There are a lot of people who have a hard time believing TOM CRUISE could play JACK REACHER ... they just - CAN'T. He's not big enough, they say, and he doesn't have the same kind of - POWER. Well - let me tell you, you're WRONG. Size, it doesn't matter. Just ask Yoko, who insists that despite having to dig through pounds of flesh to find - well - IT. JACK REACHER, in this movie, is like a FULLY ERECT PENIS. Sure, he maybe is not the biggest out there, but he's hard. And when he smacks you in the middle of the forehead, he'll leave just as big of a mark! You'll be left dizzy thanks to that WHOMP! - of the head just blasting you in the face, leaving a BIG and PURPLE bruise in the shape of a mushroom! And let me tell you right now, there's no one in Hollywood who could have pulled, the same way that Tom Cruise, when he starts getting LETHAL and acting like a WALKING PENIS ... well, you'll know. JACK REACHER will totally cockslap you and you'll be thankful. It's just that ... I need my meds."

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 4:06 p.m. CST

    That was awesome Barnald.

    by MrWug

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 4:11 p.m. CST

    Harry with a 9 to 5 would be balls

    by Joe Jones

    He would ingest freshly-plucked public hairs with every sandwich, urine with every cup of coffee, and ridicule with every conversation. It would be relentless and remorseless...like JACK REACHER... But not quite Josey Wales.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 4:12 p.m. CST

    Pubic hairs...but you get the idea.

    by Joe Jones

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 4:13 p.m. CST

    I just had a stunning revelation

    by keyserSOZE

    Harry's writing is an attempt to capture Chris Walken's cadence and generally bizarre monologues. Well done, Harry. Mission accomplished.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 4:16 p.m. CST

    Spaces?

    by Shoegeezer

    Also, he seems to have hit the space bar twice after every full stop. Like this. It's odd. As if there weren't enough things wrong with the piece already.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 4:21 p.m. CST

    Best. Talkback. Ever.

    by benlinus

    Please keep it going...Im leaving work and when I get home I want to see 200 fresh posts that I can laugh too whilst downing a whiskey and coke...

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 4:23 p.m. CST

    d. vader and choppah

    by Robert Hand

    agree to disagree. cheers. now on to something we can all hate...this review! boo! hiss!

  • seriously - what the fuck. this site is run by retards.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 4:34 p.m. CST

    and harry....

    by roderick jeffrey

    Your beard fucking sucks. It looks like a ruff collar made of camel pubes.

  • Cruise is a fucking idiot and needs to never speak publicly again.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 4:53 p.m. CST

    So, when can we expect your SKYFALL review, Harry? Next June?

    by Mr. Pricklepants

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 4:57 p.m. CST

    If it's not Harry, it must be Larry, his retarded twin brother.

    by Mr. Pricklepants

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 5:06 p.m. CST

    begging=beg, dammit.

    by AlienFanatic

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 5:17 p.m. CST

    drunklitigator, united in our contempt for this review

    by D.Vader

    What can bring people together? Harry's insipid and uninspired writing!

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 5:18 p.m. CST

    Harry must be seriously depressed by his own site

    by sunwukong86

    Either that, or his ego is so big he's blind to all the criticism he gets

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 5:57 p.m. CST

    As cruel as this TB is . . .

    by seteger

    . . . you know Harry doesn't care. Because if he doesn't bother to read his own review, he sure as hell doesn't bother to read the talkback for it.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:04 p.m. CST

    "I’ve seen JACK REACHER for about a month now."

    by Nick

    WTF? I think you mean "I saw Jack Reacher a month ago." Or "I've been holding off on posting my Jack Reacher review for a month now." Good Zod.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:10 p.m. CST

    I’ve seen JACK REACHER REVIEW for about a month now.

    by Gary Makin

    And still can't believe how bad it is.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:11 p.m. CST

    Don't you numb nuts get the joke?

    by Hint_of_Smegma

    Harry is taking the piss out of us all. His writing has got worse and from this last review it's pretty obvious he's forcing it. It's deliberate. Look at the Ain't it Cool show and the boiler, he's fed up at talk backers giving him shit for the state of the site, and now plainly doesn't give a fuck about addressing it anymore because he's fucked off with the whole thing and is now frankly just fucking with us to see everyone vent their spleen yet again, without realizing he's taking the piss out of us. He has become George Lucas. He hates that which he created, and the fans of it.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:13 p.m. CST

    Somewhere Kurt Russell is laughing at this review...

    by Flames gotta Eat

    So I guess that means it must be OK?

  • I often find myself writing more poorly bc I've read his drivel far too often. I even find myself using the same made-up words he spews in his reviews. I hate it. I hate it. I *hate* it. Reading stupid makes you stupid.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:15 p.m. CST

    Somewhere Kurt Russell is laughing at this review...

    by Flames gotta Eat

    So I guess that means it's OK?

  • Hahahahahahaha

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:20 p.m. CST

    But what does AICN's *Actual Ninja* think about Jack Reacher?

    by D.Vader

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:21 p.m. CST

    @hint_of_smegma:

    by Nick

    If that's the case, then we should all follow in his footsteps and make this place a digital ghost town. If he doesn't care about us, then we shouldn't be here.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:24 p.m. CST

    I've seen Jack Reacher for a month now

    by Robert Hand

    harry must be damn near suicidal. what type of new torture is tom cruise on repeat for 31 straight days?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:26 p.m. CST

    I've seen Jack Reacher for a month now

    by Robert Hand

    Jack Reacher, the sexiest tomboy bean pole on the planet.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:29 p.m. CST

    Christopher. I have a funny feeling that...

    by Hint_of_Smegma

    ....the time required for everyone to simply give up on AICN won't be an issue. From Harry's constant mentions of money troubles for the site, and the massive downhill slide in that the site is compared to what it used to be, the lower quality of contributors and now the fact that is pretty obvious Harry is now parodying what the talk backers usually complain about, I have a feeling before too much longer he's just gonna pull the plug and move off to his other interests. One day not too far off people will click their AICN bookmark and all of a sudden it'll be a dead link. That's what I'm envisioning at this point. Harry quite obviously is pissed off with the whole thing and everyone posting here because that was the most blatant fuck you parody of everyone's complaints since the frigging boiler.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:33 p.m. CST

    Apologies for my own grammar

    by Hint_of_Smegma

    But that's posting from a phone with shitty autocorrect for you and my massively oversized thumbs lol.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:36 p.m. CST

    The Troll 2 of movie reviews.

    by Jared Syn

    Awesome.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:38 p.m. CST

    keysersoze

    by Robert Hand

    Awesome

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:39 p.m. CST

    I've seen Jack Reacher for a month now

    by Robert Hand

    FACT!

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:42 p.m. CST

    @ alienfanatic

    by Mr. Pricklepants

    Well, Harry's "reviews" are kind of like a trainwreck. You can't help but watch. Plus, it's odd that he hasn't posted his thoughts on SKYFALL yet.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:49 p.m. CST

    what if...

    by Cloiton

    ...the movie is actually good? Ive read all the books, hated the casting as much as anyone but I am still willing to be impressed with the thing. Apart from hating on the poorly written review,has anyone here actually seen it?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 6:50 p.m. CST

    This TB finally got me to register.

    by Jazzpha

    Been lurking for a while now, but the sheer brilliance of Cellarrat's line-by-line commentary and the rest of this TB's zingers made me feel obligated to say thank you for giving me several sorely-needed laughs. This review is surely Harry's "Plan 9" moment, and I mean that in both the worst and best possible ways.

  • I used to come here for news and rumors about upcoming films. Now I get my news from Dark Horizons, my rumors from Moviehole, and I come here for the trainwreck (i.e. this review, and people pounding their fists in defense of their personal theory on who Cumberbatch is playing in Star Trek). I miss the old AICN, when there was actual news, and the most prolific posters began their posts with IMHO. Side note: I don't think people are being cruel to Harry. Most of the negative posts I've seen have been slamming Harry's lack of effort, not his talent.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 7:04 p.m. CST

    DONT THINK THIS HASN'T ALLREADY BEEN RESERVED FOR BNAT.

    by tailhook

    Cause thats the way Knowles rolls. How do you think he saw it? Yup... its like that.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 7:12 p.m. CST

    I think tailhook nailed it

    by wash

    With a guess appearance but the midget star himself.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 7:12 p.m. CST

    by*

    by wash

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 7:25 p.m. CST

    met lee child once and asked him which book was his favourite...

    by ben sheppard

    ... he said, and I quote- "which ever one's making the most money". FACT!!! though really, just want to write anything here to be a part of history- the day the Talk Backers Rose! have so enjoyed reading this.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 7:29 p.m. CST

    Wow! Whoa! Wow! I'm flabbergasted!

    by lv_426

    Did Harry just wake up in the middle of the night and in a half awake, half asleep trance, write this review and then pass out before he could attach his name to it?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 7:32 p.m. CST

    Seriously, Who Wrote This Review?

    by A-COD

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 7:50 p.m. CST

    the thing about AICN

    by Robert Hand

    and what brought me here some 13 + years ago was that the site used to post actual scoops. there was some serious insider knowledge being dropped on this website and it felt cool to be a part of that. Now, I don't know what has happened. Its a review to a movie that doesn't really need a review on this website. Or its a review that doesn't make any goddamn sense. Or its a bit of news that broke 2 days ago on another site. I liked the idea behind Harry's videos. But I'll be honest, I couldn't watch one in its entirety. My point is that this site needs new ideas and some serious editing. And some serious design overhaul.

  • I had no idea that Cumpston was the creation of a legit hollywood "somebody." That just makes the whole thing even more awesome! Sadly, I don't think Patton Oswalt might be a little too busy to do Harry's writing for him. :(

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 7:56 p.m. CST

    I've seen Jack Reacher for a month now

    by Robert Hand

    Try reading that entire first paragraph in a thick southern accent.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 7:56 p.m. CST

    it's based on a series of books by Lee Childs that have huge fans

    by Bobo_Vision

    Fans that weigh over 300 pounds!!!

  • I don't even know what to say.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8 p.m. CST

    Trail mysteries where each breadcrumb leads to the next -

    by Bobo_Vision

    And then Harry Knowles lies naked on his living room floor eating several gingerbread houses imagining he's Hansel while hopped up on painkillers.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:03 p.m. CST

    This review marks a clear turning point

    by Bobo_Vision

    It's where Harry's pain pill addiction takes a turn for the worst, and several months later after Harry has past away, Mary Hart will be reading excerpts of this incomprehensible review on Entertainment Tonight as the hosts of that show try to piece together where Harry's life went wrong before discussing Snooki's baby and Lindsay Lohan's latest nude phots.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:09 p.m. CST

    I've seen Jack Reacher for about a month now...

    by Bobo_Vision

    And boy is my ass sore!!!

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:17 p.m. CST

    Blade 2 ----- Never Forget

    by JP

    But having attended the World Premiere of BLADE 2 last night, one inescapable thought crossed my mind during the movie. 10 to 1…. I believe Guillermo Del Toro eats pussy better than any man alive. Watch his ‘HOUSE OF PAIN’ sequence in BLADE 2. BLADE 2 is the tongue, mouth, fingers and lips of a lover. The Audience is the clit. Watch your audience. This is where Guillermo Del Toro goes down on the audience. It starts with long licks with a nose bump on the joy button slowly. He smiles as he does this… Watching the audience begin to squirm, then he takes the audiences’ clit in his mouth and just licks it like crazy, the audience is ready, on that precipice, then calm. He backs off… long licks again, brings in a finger to massage a bit, licks from the bottom to the top… The audience is cooing… He has them, they want release. He acts like he’s going to give it to you, takes you right to the edge, the audiences’ backs arched, ready to cum…. Backs off pinching the nipples just so, his head bobbing up to say, "You like?" The audience shifts around needing release, he builds again… The pressure at a near boiling point… Each stroke and moment a hypersensitive place… Two fingers to the sweet spot, the audience is there… right there at that point… suddenly he’s relentless taking the audience through a rampage of orgasms… trying to get away, trying to escape… back back back, but he has you, and he’s never going to let you forget this moment, the audience was electric… Frenetically frothing… Guillermo hears them begging no more, when he decides to stop for a moment, there is that relaxed calm… The audience relaxes… labored breathing… a sated smile, WHEN SUDDENLY THE RELENTLESS BASTARD IS AT IT AGAIN!!!! You begin laughing, trying to push him away, but no… more pleasure, more joy, more fun… You can’t handle it, you start giggling and screaming… And it goes like this for quite some time, till at the end… The credits roll, the theater lights come up… You look at the screen, you realize you want that tongue again… You want that feeling again, and you watch it again and again, because damn he respects the clit!

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:25 p.m. CST

    Jack REACHes for the cookie jar on the counter....

    by evilhoban

    because he's 5'3"....

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:31 p.m. CST

    @jazzpha, me too

    by Mr.Grinagain

    This talkback compelled me to create an account tonight after having followed the site for over a decade. I simply needed to be a part of this. Well done, everyone. Thanks for providing us all with an early Christmas gift.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:34 p.m. CST

    Love seeing all the Tom Cruise hate

    by Extr3m1st

    He could fuck anyone of your mothers and has made more money in the last year than most of you have combined. KEEP HATING DOUCHEBAG TALKBACKERS!!!! Your misery and hatred of film is what I jerk off to.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:41 p.m. CST

    extr3m1st

    by evilhoban

    ....I think he would be more interested in our fathers.

  • Um... isn't that what Harry's talent is?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:43 p.m. CST

    lox4444

    by originalmemflix

    What bitch slap?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:52 p.m. CST

    ** HONORABLE MENTIONS **

    by Monroville

    "flames gotta eat" for the BRINGING A KURT RUSSELL TO A TALKBACK FIGHT award "barnald" for the MAKING A REVIEW EASIER TO UNDERSTAND BY MAKING IT MORE RETARDED award "alienfanatic" for the DEATH BY EXTREMELY COMPLICATED MEANS ANALOGY award "keysersoze" for the KEEPING THE BLADE 2 REVIEW ALIVE! award AND the EVERYTHING SOUNDS BETTER IN CHRISTOPHER WALKEN'S VOICE award and lastly "hint_of_smegma" for the GIVING HARRY TOO MUCH CREDIT award.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 8:57 p.m. CST

    @ Monroville

    by Jacob Underhill

    Thank You! Glad i got a laugh out of you guys. Oh my God! - I was not around during the Blade 2 debacle, but goodness, what an insane mess that one is.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 9 p.m. CST

    Monroville

    by Jazzpha

    I think Cellarrat deserves a nod for his Herculean effort of actually going through the review line-by-line and commenting on it. I can't even imagine what that must have done to his psyche.

  • I'll be sitting this one out. I am a Lee Child fan, so I am sure they will screw it up, especially with Cruise in the role, and I don't want to throw popcorn.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 9:05 p.m. CST

    Honest to god reads like he wrote it high on prescription drugs

    by knowthyself

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 9:12 p.m. CST

    Thanks Monroville. I'm honored,

    by Barnald

    and I would agree with jazzpha about Cellarrat. It truly does take a village here, and today has really shown a terrific outpouring of effort and hard work. Bravo everyone!

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 9:19 p.m. CST

    Ow. Ow ow ow ow.

    by Dataset

    Reading that review made me want to teach English composition classes so it never happens again.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 9:22 p.m. CST

    Does anybody else kinda feel like watching Blade 2 now?

    by NoQuarter

    Or am I the only one?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 9:25 p.m. CST

    Noquarter, you're not the only one

    by Jazzpha

    Reminded me how long it's been since I last saw it, and even Harry's uncomfortably bizarre opening in that review couldn't completely demolish the nostalgia. Pretty sure I have it on DVD somewhere...

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 9:43 p.m. CST

    BAHAHAAHA!

    by Feral Colon

    What a joke!

  • So many hilarious memes have been generated from this, and they will slowly spread through the site like tiny wildfires...until all of AICN goes up in one giant conflagration of snarkiness. I for one am looking forward to witnessing this.

  • is that assuming Harry posted this in its raw, unedited form, this is stream-of-consciousness writing right here. This is his mind at its purest and most unfiltered, and that... well, it speaks for itself. And if Harry *did* edit this, I'd love to know where I can apply for a copy-editing position. I could use the extra income.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:03 p.m. CST

    Monroeville...so honored by the honorable mention.

    by Hint_of_Smegma

    Does my sarcasm come across? One can only hope. I cannot believe that all of you are jumping like lemmings off the cliff he's set in front of you. Remember the boiler? The very obvious lack of interest in improving the site..? It's pretty obvious Harry doesn't give a fuck about AICN anymore. He's been getting shit from talk backers for a long time. He's obviously fucked off with it or else the boiler wouldn't have made the cut for the videos. And now he launches a review that's worse than anything else he's written, by a large factor, and that's quite obviously playing up every single talkbacker complaint? He's laughing his ass off reading this talkback. I really don't think AICN is gonna be online much longer. I'm betting when he does pull the plug he'll be doing it at least partly because of the shit he has gotten from everyone, let alone the financial worries and the general slide in quality here that he doesn't seem interested in slowing.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:03 p.m. CST

    Linda Lovelace is an old school man with internally created way of life.

    by The_Cellarrat

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:07 p.m. CST

    where's creepythinman in all of this?

    by The_Cellarrat

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:16 p.m. CST

    I just want....

    by Cody

    ...to be a part of this talkback for posterity's sake. They'll write about this one in the history books and I want to be able to show my kids I was there.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:19 p.m. CST

    I love Harry. He’s our Eric Von Stroheim and I adore him.

    by The_Cellarrat

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:21 p.m. CST

    why doesn't the talk back post count update?

    by Robert Hand

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:22 p.m. CST

    while i'm at it

    by Robert Hand

    what the fuck is the background of AICN?

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:26 p.m. CST

    werner herzog mustve needed money for new film

    by Hugh Gustavus

    i cant see him doing it for any other reason, having listened to his commentaries and heard his disdain for hollywood filmmaking.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:27 p.m. CST

    does herzog get shot with an air rifle?

    by Hugh Gustavus

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:37 p.m. CST

    the cellar rat

    by Robert Hand

    MY.MIND.IS.BLOWN.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:48 p.m. CST

    Don't know if this has already been posted

    by Cody

    But Paramount is already using quotes from this review for publicity purposes: http://www.paramount.com/news-and-social-media/facebook/facebook-657

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 10:53 p.m. CST

    Maybe putting a few wrongs right the wrong way.

    by TheUmpireStrokesBach

    That sentence ties my brain into some sort of sailor's knot. Harry's a fucking lunatic.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:06 p.m. CST

    My guess on what happened here...

    by Somerichs

    (forgive me if this has been suggested already, too many posts here to go through in their entirety) ...Harry was stoned to the bejesus on pain meds and put this shit out there thinking it was solid gold... Rehab, indeed...

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:07 p.m. CST

    Fucking byline?

    by juice willis

    C'mon guys. Let's at least try to present your content professionally.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:13 p.m. CST

    codysolo. YIKES!

    by Deceased Fan

    I doubt Paramount has read the talkback.

  • Meticulous. Exacting. Thorough. Uncompromising. Harry seems to be none of these things. He's more an Ed Wood, in my opinion, in that he's enthusiastic and obsessed, but almost wholly inept at his chosen medium (in this case, writing). I smile at Harry's writings mainly because I know his heart's in the right place even though I think he's got a vulgar, hyper-sexualized view of everything. The only thing I strongly dislike about Harry is how he threw Kidd under the bus. While I find Kidd's movie reviews pretty hostile, he does an awful lot to keep this site running and he's a HELL of a lot more professional than Harry. Harry had no reason to comment about why Kidd's story was removed. As a professional all he needed to was unpublish it and say nothing. Ah well.

  • Dec. 6, 2012, 11:23 p.m. CST

    LOL! I was just stirring the pot a little.

    by The_Cellarrat

  • I did, however, read your masterful deconstruction and even then the Von Stroheim reference whizzed by like a frisbee over an arthritic dachsund. I'm afraid trying to read Harry's bruised prose is like trying to read James Joyce's Ulysses backwards while stoned, drunk, with one eye closed and the other painfully swollen from a sucker punch by Honey Boo Boo's momma. I once tried to read one of Harry's stories, but I lost total bowel control, had a mild stroke, and couldn't remember my own name for a week.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:18 a.m. CST

    I had to join in

    by MCS

    This review is some ef'd up s.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:19 a.m. CST

    Harry write real gooder

    by MCS

    Much gooder then much people

  • I only visit this site every once in awhile and I missed that whole brouhaha.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:21 a.m. CST

    I had a film class with Werner Herzog!

    by Zardoz

    Great guy! Very smart and funny. Watched all of his films and had discussions with him afterwards. "Fitzcarraldo" and "Aguirre The Wrath of God" were of particular interest, of course. If I could have told him back then that he would be playing a villain in a Tom Cruise movie 15 years in the future, I'm sure he would've called me a "loon-a-tic!"

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:22 a.m. CST

    you guys need to calm the fuck down

    by jsfithaca

    this review wasn't THAT bad. harrys written much worse reviews. i think you guys just can't accept that anyone will ever like this movie and you're taking it out on harry.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:31 a.m. CST

    @alienfanatic: You made my week dude...

    by lord Baul

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:36 a.m. CST

    Remember when Harry's reviews were filled with allusions to gay sex?

    by eveelcapitalist

    Good times.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:49 a.m. CST

    Is Harry a Scientologist now?

    by Dubster32

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 2:13 a.m. CST

    A month? That's a long fucking movie.

    by Bedknobs and Boomsticks

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 3:49 a.m. CST

    McQuarrie = Ass on seat

    by masteryoda007

    This is the guy who gave us Mr Parker and Mr Lonbaugh and one of the funniest opening scenes to a movie ever!

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 4:41 a.m. CST

    I've started getting bad headaches and nosebleeds reading this guys tripe!

    by Miss Moneypennys Pishflapsh

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 4:55 a.m. CST

    Harry was so high he wrote this review from Planet Zeus

    by lv_426

  • I know you are taking the liquid form. Pleeeaase, and then review Inception. Painkillers are a hell of a drug. Again, not judging, they make you feel good:) But, ya can't write good reviews on them, especially, when you can't write reviews in the first place.

  • Harry explained in the talkbacks "I unpublished it, as his write-up didn't provide the context that I felt the story needed." I didn't read the original article, but a couple of people who did said The Kid wrote a negative article about the casting choice.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 6:32 a.m. CST

    Harry fail English? That's umpossible

    by Mike J

    Seriously, I know people who's second language is English and they write better than Harry the Idiot. Good job this oaf lucked in by being in the right place at the right time to create this website because I honestly cannot imagine what proper job he would have done for a living. So I'm putting that one out there for discussion. What job do you feel Harry would have ended up doing were it not for AICN? Don't forget, he has no apparent qualifications or skills and a very, very limited understanding of how the real world operates.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 6:43 a.m. CST

    Banned dirty ape

    by Miss Moneypennys Pishflapsh

    Spotwelder?

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 6:51 a.m. CST

    Cheesburger for about a month now.

    by AKIRAx35

    I’ve seen JACK REACHER for about a month now. http://cheezburger.com/6853567744

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 7:06 a.m. CST

    @ Banned dirty ape

    by The_Cellarrat

    He'd be the guy who wipes down the loads ala *Always Sunny....*

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 7:09 a.m. CST

    BULL...SHIT. All of it.

    by ricardoflynn

    This reads like a Press Release.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 7:13 a.m. CST

    He's seen jack reacher for a month now

    by Miss Moneypennys Pishflapsh

    However, he hasn't seen his penis since 1978

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 7:16 a.m. CST

    Best Talkback ever

    by mastermold

    You know, putting aside the occasional homophobia and racist overtones that seep into these talkbacks from time to time, I usually get a good laugh from some of the comments and this talkback had some good ones. "Harry's real review of the Dark Knight Rises" by harrysblackwoman made me cry, I was laughing so hard. Well done.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 7:30 a.m. CST

    Okay, so (RE: The Kid vs. Harry)...

    by Mikey Wood

    ...what that means is that Harry's getting a bunch of free swag and/or payola shoved his way from Sony and the Kid's negative reaction to the casting could cost him said swag.payola. We all know this, right?

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 7:31 a.m. CST

    @ ricardoflynn

    by The_Cellarrat

    In SPIRIT it reads like a press release, in that it is all positive, but read the review closely (if you can accomplish the gargantuan task of ignoring the inconsistencies in both internal and external logic, grammar, spelling, word choice, and narrative flow); the review, like many of Harry's, does not really review the movie. It reviews the plot, and discusses in detail what Harry (rightly, but not particularly insightfully) is able to ascertain by reading in between the lines. He delves into the the characteristics of Jack reacher's character, both implicit and explicit. He is delighted by the implications that Reacher is a questionable soul morally but whose actions are always for good. He marvels at plot threads that seem to magically, or masterfully (to him) reconcile and he is entranced by the intertwining nature of the plots, twists, and McGuffins (or, in his parlance, *things occuring*). In short, he is appreciative of this movie, thought not WRONGLY, but on a very superficial level that should be accepted as the craft of a decent screenwriter as interpreted by a competent filmmaker. Again, I am making no digs at the movie, just harry's review. This has been his style for a while. Harry really doesn't understand the visual craft, for someone in his self-procalaimed role as Headgeek. He does have an appreciation for a good yarn, as it were, and if you go back over any/all of his positive reviews, you will find he is unable to see a movie beyond characterization and plot. In essence, a review from him is like someone giving the book Hound of the Baskervilles a rave review, on the basis that Sherlock Holmes is an awesome detective, ignoring the prose style of the author or any sociological undercurrents. Read the review again, skipping the direct references to the fact that this is a movie, and it comes across as a book review. Again, not a bad thing, but to get back to your original report, if Paramount paid for this, someone in accounting is trying to write this one off the books as we speak (er...type).

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 7:35 a.m. CST

    As far as REACHER goes...

    by Mikey Wood

    ...I watched much of the filming as it went on here in Pittsburgh (and am "in" a couple scenes. The part in the trailer where he hops out of the moving car and blends in with the crowd? The top of my head is there in the back). I will tell you this: Cruise is short. He's NOT Jack Reacher as described in the books and, frankly, that's okay because Reacher in the books is ridiculous (and, CONVENIENTLY, looks a good bit like the author). HOWEVER... ...the fight scenes are BRUTAL. Depending upon how they cut them, they may appear even moreso. Car chases are the same (watching a car chase being filmed is actually pretty boring. You couldn't think it but it's all in the editing). I'm willing to give it a chance. Procede with the cries of "plant" now...

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 7:38 a.m. CST

    And, fanboy71: I'd imagine Dolph as Reacher...

    by Mikey Wood

    ...but I want to see the movie in a theater, not some direct-to-video hack job.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 7:40 a.m. CST

    Every review ever on AICN

    by Nintendarth

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ft7buGp7-60

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 7:41 a.m. CST

    This was either written by David Manning

    by Samuel Fulmer

    Or Harry. Not sure yet.

  • As awful and poorly written Harry's article was (and by God it was bad) I sometimes think the vitriol leveled against him is a tad too overboard, but that isn't to say he should be free from criticism. I've been coming to this site since about 200 but only finally worked my way to participate in the talkbacks about mid this year. Part of that was the concern I'd just get addicted (I was a permanant resident of Yahoo chat room Movies .1 for a good 4-5 years a looong time ago) and thought I'd get dragged into one childish fucking argument after another. Over the last year or so...the site's news and reviews have been getting worse in quality but no one who thinks the site will die or are hoping it will die...mean that, seriously, who wants AICN to go the way of the dodo? Having said all of this...the stuff on here has been some of the FUNNIEST shit I've ever seen in the site's history. It isn't really tat much hyperbole for others here to call this BEST TALKBACK EVER. Shit man, one of my first actions in the morning is to get the Blackberry and see what's new on AICN. Since the morning, well this must be the 4th or 5th time i've been back to read this board. So here's my MAIN point I want to make. For ALLLL of the degeneration into warring, infighting and borderline offensive fecal matter we have all been throwing at each other all these years...today has been the MOST peaceful the boards have ever been. In a very ironic way, Harry's ineptitude has brought us geeks together because you read through it all and i do not see ONE snipe against another geek. It's all mutual back patting and a healthy competition to come up with a funnier comment than the one before. This is the shit that can make Mandela shed a tear. Will it last? Probably not...but today...we all appreciated and supported each other...to mock the fuck out of the site's founder, but also in the name of acceptable writing standards, movie journalism and...comedy. I have enjoyed today, I really have.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 7:44 a.m. CST

    Mikeywood

    by Mike J

    Correct I'm sure. Knowles has been on the Sony bandwagon for several years now. Remember how every reviwer on this site just adored The Green Hornet, especially Harry? Not one of them had anything remotely negative to say about that movie. This site is a joke nowadays.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 7:55 a.m. CST

    The_Cellarat

    by Nintendarth

    Quite correct, and very astute of you in terms of pointing out that Harry is entirely about plot points and character. I find most movie geeks and geeks in general work this way. As long as the plot points are cool, as it were, then the movie itself is a masterpiece. The less cool the plot points are, the more the movie sucks for them. If you go back and check out his review of SUPER 8, this is painfully apparent. Harry was challenged in that review to address issues of film craft, like lighting and set design and cinematography and script craft. How did Harry address this issue? He mentioned the challenge at the beginning and then proceeded to say -No, I don't want to do that- and then went on his usual way with the review, praising plot points just as you've pointed out, to the degree that if you put your statement next to that SUPER 8 review you've got a reviewer basically saying that everything you're claiming is 100 percent accurate, to a T. I'm not so much dismissive of Harry - I think his voice got a lot of people in Hollywood to where they are now, believe it or not, excepting Harry himself. Hollywood insiders listened to him and figured out how to make the right bells and whistles in the early days of internet buzz to give him the gifts and leads he wanted to get the word out in support of weird and obscure films that might otherwise not have gotten made in the first place. I give Harry a tremendous amount of credit for this, possibly more than I should since I don't know the facts 100 percent, but I do believe that his contribution has led to new cycles of film structure where you've got, for instance, nobody wanting to do another MORTAL KOMBAT until a group put together demo reels which led in turn to a minimovie which are leading in turn to a new film. Regardless of what you think of MORTAL KOMBAT, that structure itself I don't think would exist without Harry having paved that path through his website and the geek culture that blossomed out of it. At the same time, I believe the man is not capable, as you've pointed out, of seeing the movie beyond the plot and the characterization. If you read his review of DARK KNIGHT RISES, it becomes very clear. Regardless of what you think of the film, Harry's review is based entirely on a disagreement about character. He doesn't think the character actions fit the characters as he knows them, so the movie is bad. He points out he likes some of the big moments in the film, but that's a plot point - the action happening on-screen, the events themselves. Wow, cool, etc. But even some of Harry's most embarrassing reviews, like DETROIT ROCK CITY or GODZILLA (Roland Emmerich version), can be explained with your points. No matter what you think of the film, performances, humor, craft etc. of DETROIT ROCK CITY, the film's enthusiastic love of the 1970s and the broad plot point of a group of KISS fans dealing with all kinds of disasters trying to get to a rock concert - purely as plot beats ... well, on paper, if someone were telling you the story of how they had all the disasters befall them that happen to the DRC characters, well, that's hysterical. If you and your best friend had a couple of beers and sat back and talked about what happened to you and your high school buddies trying to get to a KISS concert, well, both of you would be laughing hysterically if you just described the events themselves that happen in DRC in a conversational way - the plot beats. It's the EXECUTION where the film fails, but Harry can't really see that execution. He's in love with the idea the way someone would be in love with the plot points if they were told the way I've described above, and enamored of the character of KISS in general. So, the movie gets a rave. Likewise, if you sat down and basically hashed out the plot of the Emmerich GODZILLA, and talked about GINO stomping through the city and being missiled-to-death on a bridge at the end, well, INSANE - and a chase scene through the underground of New York against a horde of mini-monsters, CRAZY. Great review follows, of course. Then, you contrast that with the reality of the film sucking, because of its incredibly poor execution, and Harry's review is once again blind to that, simply pointing out the plot beats with a lot of WOW. BLADE 2, same thing. EVERY review, same thing. Your observations are VERY astute about Harry, and what will be interesting is to see if these comments and/or yours get banned, and if not - to judge further reviews from Harry on these points. Now that the curtain has been pulled away, will Harry try to address the broader scope of film craft he constantly ignores? My guess is that he will instead double-down on the plot beat and characterizational elements he can see, because doing anything else would require labor beyond holding a Wiimote.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 8 a.m. CST

    I'VE CRACKED HARRYS CODE!!

    by Miss Moneypennys Pishflapsh

    I've seen jack reacher for about a month now. Things occur between the shadows. You get the idea! He moves forward, always forward. God bless him! I adore him! It's SO AWESOME! and i can't get enough. Dirty bastard!!!!

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 8:09 a.m. CST

    This will be a day long remembered...

    by Holier_Than_Thou

    No doubt about it, this is the talkback to end all talkbacks. I can't stop laughing! Thanks to all of you for making my day...

  • Now it's time to anonymously post that mistake.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 8:29 a.m. CST

    ERMAHGERD! ERV SERN JERCK RERCHER FER ERBERT A MAHNTH NER.

    by JediRob

    ERMAHGERD!!

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 8:31 a.m. CST

    Also....harry knowles aicn is an anagram of whiskery anal corn

    by Miss Moneypennys Pishflapsh

    It's all starting to make sense.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 8:34 a.m. CST

    nintendarth: Keep in mind one very important thing...

    by Mikey Wood

    ...Harry ISN'T a movie critic. Nobody on this site is. None of them are "qualified" in any way other than "I watch movies". They are no more or less "reviewers" than any of US are. They just have a website that publishes their stuff. Any of us could be a Harry Knowles if we were raised by genre-loving nerd parents and an extra five thousand bucks. Harry lucked out in timing. This site was one of the first of its kind and good on him for that but none of you should ever think that any "reviewer" on this site is anything more than a big-mouthed internet know-it-all. The only difference is: they have an arena in which to air their yammerings. You can agree with them or disagree with them all you want. Some of you find insane amounts of pleasure in being contrary to anything and everything. That's fine. Sad and pathetic, but fine. Keep on keepin' on.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 8:42 a.m. CST

    @mikeywood - they DID have one real critic...

    by keyserSOZE

    ...but he's writing for HitFix now. Although I do enjoy the stuff that Capone and Quint write, because they actually know how to, well, WRITE.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 9:04 a.m. CST

    Harry, Harry, Harry.

    by TheMachinist

    I used to think better of you. Sure, you're not the best at writing reviews, but they're enjoyable because of their childlike exuberance, like an overgrown 5-year-old explaining a movie. For a while I tolerated it, simply because this site had a good reputation for delivering film news, no matter how slow. I joined the site about a year ago, back when you were circlejerking over John Carter. This review, though, has made me lose what little respect I had for you. There wasn't much to begin with, of course, but you catch my drift. What the hell were you thinking? It's obvious that you're either suffering from a severe case of Writer's Block or you're so bumfuck retarded that you don't even look at the review after you've written it. I understand that what I'm saying here has already been said before in this TB, and in much funnier ways, but...Seriously. I suggest you look over the review a few times, then look at the Talkback, then look at your life.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 9:14 a.m. CST

    Glad to see this is still going strong after a night's sleep.

    by Jazzpha

    Truly a great thread, and thanks again to everyone who's worked to make it so. This does make me wonder, though, how much power Harry's word still has in Hollywood/marketing circles. I stopped taking him seriously after his "Inception" review, and his take on "Tron: Legacy" only cemented that feeling. But assuming Paramount did pay for this (which might explain why it showed up on their website-- no doubt the head of whoever signed off on that is currently rolling into a gutter somewhere), I have to think this might be the last time that happens. If I'm wrong, feel free to call me out on it. I just can't imagine an exec with a stake in the financial performance of a movie trusting Harry to give it any kind of boost... or that the boost would even matter.

  • They're fat as fuck, in other words, so you should really give two shits because they'll kick your ass.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 9:45 a.m. CST

    Rambo’s zero to sixty is almost instantaneous.

    by seteger

    The last time I drove a Rambo, I clocked its acceleration at 2.1 seconds going zero to 60. It was THAT violent.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 9:47 a.m. CST

    I’m pretty sure he belongs behind bars…

    by seteger

    Or not, I'm not too sure, actually. You see, I sometimes FEEL certain claims passionately, but I question my own enthusiasm, so I constantly qualify those claims till I practically contradict myself.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 9:50 a.m. CST

    Now – I love films like this.

    by seteger

    THIS one, specifically? The film I'm actually reviewing? Meh. But films LIKE this one, I love. For now, anyway. Tomorrow, who knows? If I had to sign my actual NAME to a review, definitely not.

  • I need a new login name: Investigand Detective, with capital letters. I'm glad he started the film, too, because otherwise the middle and end just wouldn't come next, you know?

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 9:57 a.m. CST

    Why haven't they yanked--or edited--this review yet?

    by seteger

    Isn't there anybody at the site following this? By the way, WOW, I had never read the Blade 2 review till now. It is truly sublime, filthy hyperbole; it made me laugh out loud and shudder with disgust simultaneously.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 10:03 a.m. CST

    I'm going to have a shirt made...

    by Zeta

    ...that says "I’ve seen JACK REACHER for about a month now." -AICN, and wear it to every press screening here in Austin. Maybe Harry will actually read the content he posts on the site before he posts it.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 10:05 a.m. CST

    McQuarrie is all kinds of sharp

    by keyserSOZE

    Sharp cheddar, sharp as a tack, sharp like the edge of a knife; you name it, if it can be called sharp, that's what McQuarrie is.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 10:07 a.m. CST

    He says, GET JACK REACHER...

    by keyserSOZE

    ...because GET SHORTY would have been copyright infringement.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 10:10 a.m. CST

    Seriously though, I'm glad someone says GET JACK REACHER

    by keyserSOZE

    Because otherwise you'd have Tom Cruise sitting around doing nothing while the authorities confusedly bumble around wondering who they should be getting.

  • Seriously, I've seen better writing in the high-security East Wing of a mental institution, except it was smeared in shit on a bed sheet. It's the sort of thing people who wear tin foil hats and rub raspberry jam on themselves write. They didn't sign the review because they were keen to start that DIY tattoo on their left arm which reads 'GOD IS IN MY COCK'

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 10:14 a.m. CST

    This TB made me tear my hernia stitches!

    by Brian Mullett

    Holy Shit! I want contact information from all of you. You'll be hearing from my lawyer!

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 10:27 a.m. CST

    LMAO

    by Lucky13

    Thank God for the TB's...

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 10:33 a.m. CST

    Lee Child sold his soul

    by Keith

    And we got a midget to play a monster. Fuck them both.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 10:39 a.m. CST

    Am I the only one...

    by I am_NOTREAL

    Who, upon reading the first line of this review, imagined Harry strapped to a chair, eyelids held open Clockwork Orange-style for a month, watching nothing but JACK REACHER? Can't be. Giggle.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 10:43 a.m. CST

    Lee Child likes (the fat check he got for) the movie (rights)

    by I am_NOTREAL

    But can I blame him? No.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 11:16 a.m. CST

    @i am_notreal

    by Nintendarth

    No, you're not the only one. I thought the exact same thing. Except Cruise defines a bit of the in-out, in-out very differently from the way I do.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 11:17 a.m. CST

    I bet it's a solid film. Harry's endorsement is no help tho.

    by knowthyself

  • Anything to stop the site getting any more special invites or pwezentz.

  • I want to change my nickname to: iveseenjackreacherforaboutamonthnow.

  • Since supposedly neither of those things matter to the site, it wouldn't bother the site at all ...... right?

  • What's that boy Sharpie McQ up to these days? Last I heard, Sharpie was writing that movie starring Tom Cruise as an NBA star. Duke Dunker was the title if my mind isn't playing tricks on me. No no no asshole, Sharpie McQ is making a different Tom Cruise film. The one about that Investigatind Detective that solved all those clown murders in San Fransisco. Wasn't the investigatind a black dude in real life? Yeah, but Tom Cruise played Jack Reacher for fuck's sake... he can surely play a black dude.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 11:20 a.m. CST

    one WTF moment (of many)

    by MCS

    "Things occur, Reacher begins helping the Defense after checking out the evidence. He smells a frame. Rosamund suffers a bit in the film from that Sondra Locke in JOSEY WALES syndrome. When you have Josey Wales in a movie, do you really crave anything else? She isn’t bad… she’s just doesn’t have THE part, ya know? Between Cruise and… WERNER HERZOG!"

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 11:20 a.m. CST

    Never write another review again....ever.

    by Dkev00

    Rambo, A-Team, and Josey Wales all wrapped up into one man eh? What, no Jason Bourne? I mean it's not even funny. It's just sad.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 11:23 a.m. CST

    the bad guys in this are into political corruption

    by MCS

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 11:40 a.m. CST

    I don't want this talkback to ever end.

    by MrWug

    The Jack Reacher review deserves a permanent link on the AICN homepage. Moriarty's picture is still on it, so why can't this review stay too?

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 11:41 a.m. CST

    Monroville, I thank you!

    by Flames gotta Eat

    I am honored as are the rest of my colleagues who won. And talkbackers, is Blade 2 any good? I've only seen 5 mins of it and turned it off. At that time though I didn't know who Del Toro was or that he did it. Harry's review of that is surreal as well, who the fuck would ever write something like that? Now THAT looks like a Cumpston review.

  • You think i'm qualified?

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 11:55 a.m. CST

    Reacher rides Greyhound buses

    by keyserSOZE

    Because it is an affordable way to travel and he likes meeting new people. That's the kind of guy JACK REACHER is. That's what he stands for.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 11:58 a.m. CST

    This is becoming like Occupy AICN

    by yourebreakingthejacket

    We the 99% of semi-literate film lovers against the 1%--Harry and his retarded writing and childish actions.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 11:58 a.m. CST

    What if...

    by keyserSOZE

    Harry is actually just the greatest Internet troll of all time? The guy is called HARRY KNOWLES, and once you read this you'll know the name and what it stands for.

  • Holy f*ck! Harry's a sexual spillway. When enough filth backs up behind the dam, the overabundance of twisted thought comes splashing out onto the heads of the startled AICN visitors who scatter away, swatting at their filthy clothes and mumbling prayers for redemption. I used to think that I refused to read Harry's reviews because they were nigh unreadable. In retrospect, it seems an unconscious act of self-preservation.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:05 p.m. CST

    Next, Harry needs to review "REACHER RIDES AGAIN : THE SEQUAL"

    by Barnald

    C'mon Harry! Can you have it up by end of day?

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:06 p.m. CST

    Blade 2 review

    by yourebreakingthejacket

    Always struck me as a sad attempt at someone trying to sound provocative or knowledgeable about a subject that they only have a shallow understanding of, or something that they only read about--never done. It was almost like Harry was jerking off in his bathroom to a Penthouse Letters issue before he wrote the Blade II review and just carried it over into his writing. As he was writing it, he was probably thinking "this will cause a stir in the Madonna Like a Prayer video type way. I will be a trailblazer. Plus, people will know I am not a 32 year old virgin."

  • Body Poppin' after several shots of Jack Daniels.

  • There's a line in it that says, "I've been seeing Lisa now for a little over a year..." Every time somebody writes "I've seen Jack Reacher for about a month now," I hear it in my head as if it was being sung by the guy who sang "I believe." I'm not sure if that's awesome or disturbing. Maybe both.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:15 p.m. CST

    @yourebreakingthejacket

    by keyserSOZE

    All that review was missing was Harry comparing a breast to a bag of sand.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:15 p.m. CST

    ERMAHGOD

    by Robert Hand

    at least we have Playing for Keeps and a Bigfoot movie review that makes some gatdamn sense.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:17 p.m. CST

    Excerpts from Harry's PACIFIC RIM review, circa July 2013

    by lv_426

    *Having seen the amazingwow that is PACIFic RIm, all I can say is Guillermo Del Toro must have the biggest cock on the block - because his Kaiju are so big that... even Paul Bunyan feels inadequate.* *Just watch Pacific Rim... the Kaiju are apocalyptic mega-cocks of destruction, splashing and smashing their fuck fury upon the land. Skyscrapers are mere pubic hairs in the wake of these beasts.* *After Pacific Rim, all other kaiju need viagra.*

  • Chapter nine, verse Six: "And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them."

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:17 p.m. CST

    @keysersoze

    by yourebreakingthejacket

    NICE ONE!!!! Just LOL'd in the cubicle.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:19 p.m. CST

    Cruise smartly puts himself in McQuarrie’s hands

    by thefreshestthing

    Does this mean Tom Cruise is a top?

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:21 p.m. CST

    thefreshestthing -- Tom Cruise is Ant Man?

    by lv_426

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:21 p.m. CST

    Needless to say

    by yourebreakingthejacket

    My fucking work output over the last two days has been surpassed by any random corpse at the city morgue, but man this has been fun.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:30 p.m. CST

    Am I the only one who thinks, regarding Harry and popcorn...

    by keyserSOZE

    He pulls the Mickey Rourke "Diner" trick with his popcorn but sees movies alone and eats every kernel? Yeah, live with that image. Hot buttered popcorn.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:30 p.m. CST

    Harry's arrogance is the reason for this site's decline.

    by thefreshestthing

    I've been coming here since 1997. That's 15 years. I LOVED this site in the beginning but Harry's desire to be important in Hollywood has diminshed every aspect of this site, to the point where he even "unpublishes" articles by contributors who are actually putting in the effort. We get no spoilers, anymore. We get Harry pimping out projects that are best case ass-kissing attempts and worst case, "paid advertisements". There was a point in the early 00s where Harry was getting some clout(-ish) in Hollywood, and Harry has a HUGE amount of residual arrogance now, to the point where it's clear he feels ANY effort by him should be good enough.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:42 p.m. CST

    Chris McQuarrie is a sexy tomboy beanpole!

    by keyserSOZE

    He's also very sharp. Never forget how sharp he is.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:43 p.m. CST

    Logic does not compute

    by Robert Hand

    Jack Reacher played by a 5'7 gay man. A movie review by someone who can barely speak intelligibly. Thats Hollywood, baby.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:45 p.m. CST

    Tom Cruise As Jack Reacher?

    by

    That's like Paul Williams playing Andre the Giant. Reacher was 6'4" 230-240 and they cast the shortest thing next to a Chinese naval aviator as the character. Damn Hollyweird strikes again.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:48 p.m. CST

    Coup de grace

    by Robert Hand

    "blow of mercy" means a death blow intended to end the suffering of a wounded creature.[2] The phrase can refer to the killing of civilians or soldiers, friends or enemies, with or without the consent of the sufferer. It is often used figuratively to describe the last in a series of events which brings about the end of some entity. from Wikipedia

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:49 p.m. CST

    Tom Cruise as Dr. Alex Cross

    by thelordofhell

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:52 p.m. CST

    Tom Cruise as Lincoln

    by Robert Hand

    makes sense.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:54 p.m. CST

    That first sentence in the review

    by Ray Tchoulakian

    Makes absolutely no sense to me. Has the author been dating Jack Reacher for about a month now? Even though there is no author attributed to the review, the sentence reeks of Harry to me.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:55 p.m. CST

    While some choose to rail against the quality of Harry's reviews...

    by I am_NOTREAL

    ...I prefer to regard them and the Talkbacks they spawn as wonderful sources of free entertainment. As others have noted...Talkbacks like this are more or less the main reason to visit AICN anymore.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:55 p.m. CST

    Tom Cruise IS Manute Bol

    by keyserSOZE

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 12:57 p.m. CST

    http://www.filmbug.com/db/258/height

    by Robert Hand

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 1 p.m. CST

    Harry couldn't have written this...

    by DougMcKenzie

    Where are all the references to his family? "Jack Reacher beats the shit out of people like how I beat the shit out of my nephew for stealing my painkillers", or "Rosamund Pike's defense lawyer reminds me of Yoko's itunes collection. They both wear suits and speak to judges".

  • Get it together, meat-tits.

  • I miss the Bend it Like Beckham banner add days.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 1:21 p.m. CST

    Headgeek has chosen JACK REACHER... Here's Why...

    by Stereotypical Evil Archer

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 1:23 p.m. CST

    Tom Cruise is Jack Reacheround

    by thelordofhell

    You know that's why he took the role

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 1:24 p.m. CST

    Well that's just like.. Your opinion.. Mann

    by UltraTron

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 1:25 p.m. CST

    Harry's little pink diary entry for the 6th of Dec. 2012....

    by Marlboroliteman

    Dear Diary Harry here, I've seen Jack Reacher for about a month now and I still can't initiate a scenario were I can rub up against his ass without him getting mad at me. Maybe I should just start wrestling and goofing around with him Diary...that way I can feel his ass and bulge in one fail swoop. Like it looks like he likes to wrestle so that might be my best bet. Dec. 7: Dear Diary Harry here I was questioned for 3 hours by two homicide detectives earlier today. They told me I was the prime suspect in the murder of the English Language. They let me go cause most of their evidence was hearsay so after I finish this entry Diary I'm gonna take my name off of all the reviews and articles I wrote for my website.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 1:31 p.m. CST

    Has that Blade 2 review been revised?

    by jim

    Wasn't this the movie that, in the header, was referred to as "chocolate-covered pussy juice"? All it says now is "Blade 2 Review".

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 1:32 p.m. CST

    Chocolate covered pussy juice is just plain racist

    by keyserSOZE

    I'm onto you Knowles.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 1:41 p.m. CST

    stereotypical evil archer: help me out...

    by Mikey Wood

    ...I don't get the "Headgeek has chosen" jokes. I've seen them on a few threads now.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 2:02 p.m. CST

    this is one of the funniest talkbacks I have

    by popboy

    seen in a while. You know your site is in trouble when the owner of it is reduced to a laughing stock.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 2:06 p.m. CST

    mikeywood

    by thefreshestthing

    I'm pretty sure that's mocking the headline Harry wrote for an article taking the side of HDDVD players over Bluray.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 2:10 p.m. CST

    HD-DVD is the only high def format you can get Balls of Fury on

    by Samuel Fulmer

    So.....it's got that going for it!

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 2:11 p.m. CST

    HUGE FANS: The Lee Child Story

    by Barnald

    A feature film written, directed, and produced by HARRY KNOWLES starring: FRED WARD, DENNIS FRANZ, and SARAH BAKER as HARRY KNOWLES

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 2:14 p.m. CST

    The Way of the Gun was just pussylicking….

    by BD Mahony

    Jack Reacher! is deep dicking!

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 2:17 p.m. CST

    this talkback is > than anything posted in the history of AICN

    by Robert Hand

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 2:21 p.m. CST

    The fuck is an investigatind detective?

    by YourMomsBox3D

    Is it like a private eye? A gumshoe? Cut the flim-flam and tell us!

  • Get with the program here.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 2:24 p.m. CST

    i'VE SEEN JACK REACHER FOR ABOUT A MONTH NOW

    by Miss Moneypennys Pishflapsh

    He treated me to a cleveland steamer. It reminded me of the time josey wales gave me a missouri boat ride.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 2:25 p.m. CST

    thefreshestthing: AH...okay...

    by Mikey Wood

    ...so it just isn't really funny.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 2:26 p.m. CST

    harry bastard

    by roderick jeffrey

    I've got a weird feeling reading this review is like witnessing a brutal rape and noone intervenes.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 2:26 p.m. CST

    mikeywood, www.aintitcool.com/node/32838

    by Stereotypical Evil Archer

    You are welcome.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 2:27 p.m. CST

    Take paragraph four from the review.....

    by whatever1964

    and recite it as Isaac Hayes over the theme song from Shaft.... sprinkle liberally with "Damn Right"s....

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 3 p.m. CST

    brilliant stuff,i thank you all !

    by lookylookymoontard

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 3:09 p.m. CST

    Keysersoze, about the Rock

    by I am_NOTREAL

    Size-wise perhaps, but I don't think so overall. I'm not a HUGE fan like those that Harry refers to, I've only read a couple of the books, but the Rock seems more suited to action with a side of comedy while Reacher strikes me as dead serious pretty much 100% of the time.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 3:25 p.m. CST

    ** My God.. what have I done?!? **

    by Monroville

    Was it a good thing to bring up the BLADE 2 review, after so many wounds were starting to heal over such a long... "period"... of time? Maybe. Some wounds just need to be reopened so those who missed the chance can stick their fingers in the wound too. Maybe the BLADE 2 review should be a pay-per-view site? Holy shitbells, that may be how AICN can generate the revenue needed to keep the ole' bowling alley/ school/ skating rink/ hang out from being shut down! Hell, it's worked plenty of times before (in movies)! _________________ To those who thanked me for the invisible internet awards: You're Welcome! Congratulations on your invisible victories! To Hint_of_Smegma, who is taking all of this WAAY too seriously: chill out and relax, guy! It's just the internet! To Harry: even in spite of all of this, most of us still love you (in a platonic and non BLADE 2 sort of way), whether it is in spite of your reviews and general lack of adult behavior, or even because of it. Regardless, we here at the AICN talkback association will strive to NEVER let anyone around the world become: - bored - suicidal - successful - apathetic To or in the entertainment world around them. We WILL strive to always hit an accidental key or tooow when wrting in a forum without editing tools, to prove that WE are indeed... Hunan. We WILL strive to NEVER let anyone down (softly) and we will NEVER EVER give up. On these talkbacks. Or on you, Harry. So keep on watching JACK REACHER. and let us know how it is in another month.

  • On that note of apocalyptic mega-cocks of destruction, I hereby propose not just simply a mere T-shirt that says "I’ve seen JACK REACHER for about a month now.", but something much, much greater. Oh no. I say that someone who actually has the money (and the time) should write down and record (for posterity) ALL of the witty one-or-ten liners that have ever been in these thy hallowed talkbacks and create a T-shirt with ALL of them forming the word AICN on the back... you know, kinda like those Darth Vader or Elvis photos that are made of hundreds of teeny, tiny photos from moments of their lives. Or just have every square inch of the shirt covered in quotes from the Talkbacks. Whatever.

  • It looks like bad photoshop, except I think that's really Cruise's body proportions. I can't watch that guy without laughing. Which is great for a comedy, but totally ruins any serious movie. That poster will live in infamy.

  • a moment you DON'T want to be privvy to. Yikes!

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 4:10 p.m. CST

    ZACTLY! What?

    by jellypop

    Harr-harr.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 4:14 p.m. CST

    Hellboy is deep dicking!

    by jellypop

    What the hell? I need some oxygen.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 4:21 p.m. CST

    I’ve seen JACK REACHER for about a month now

    by seteger

    I want the t-shirt, too, by the way. You know, Harry's reviews are consistently mindless--they used to be more vulgar and desperate, and they've become more incoherent and random, but they've pretty much always sucked (poorly edited, hyperbolic). But I think this one review is getting such a strong reaction for one main reason: that FIRST line is so flagrantly stupid. Reading that line, I did literally imagine the movie on repeat, for 30 straight days, like how old VHS tapes would automatically rewind themselves and then play again. Look, we all make mistakes. No review is perfect. But this guy, he's raping the English language. This is someone for whom words have lost virtually all meaning. He MUST know it, somehow, vaguely. Can he really be that drug addled these days?

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 4:24 p.m. CST

    I've read this talkback for about a month now.

    by Deceased Fan

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 4:24 p.m. CST

    If ever Harry explodes in violence or commits suicide

    by seteger

    These reviews would become clear warning signs of a deranged mind. It would all seem so obvious and predictable, after the fact. I'm enjoying this talkback immensely, but seriously, this guy ain't right.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 4:27 p.m. CST

    Like the sun through the clouds...aka HOLY SHIT this post

    by Darth Macchio

    Takes the greyhound bus system to travel...

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 4:27 p.m. CST

    Harry, is this a cry for help?

    by SergeantStedenko

    If so, there is help available. Please don't go Heath Ledger on us.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 4:47 p.m. CST

    Is this review included in the $1.99 app?

    by thefreshestthing

    I think a lot of ppl just asked for a refund.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 5:07 p.m. CST

    What function does this site fullfi

    by moorE12

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 5:10 p.m. CST

    I heard Vice magazine just outed Harry as the author

    by Mel Gibsteinberg

    Woopsie Daisey!

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 5:42 p.m. CST

    This site has become a joke. Bye.

    by Aiden Blackwell

  • So therefore, you're going to have half the numbers in your audience...meaning that cinemas will basically HAVE TO have Jack Reacher playing double the average time of it's run in order to start getting the serious profits. Shit, Jack Reacher may even have to be a permanent screening in cinemas, like they do with Blues Bros or Rocky Horror at art houses. It isn't bad enough that massive cinema chains and independent ones alike have had to invest in new technology (i presume...i don't know much about the cinema business) such as 3D. Now they have to think about Jack Reacher's huge fans. And what does this mean for us more, leaner, healthier film geeks that may want to see the movie? Where do we fit in amongst all this? And who is the quintessential huge fan here anyway? None other than Harry? Conspiracy?

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 6:20 p.m. CST

    Still don't give two shits about this film

    by rhizomeman

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 7:47 p.m. CST

    Wait, that Blade II review is real???

    by The_Closet_Nerd

    I looked for it, found it, and read it. I then began looking for the real one and couldn't find another one. I am floored that the one I found is THE real one. Please, let me in on the joke. I can't believe that's what Harry published.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 7:55 p.m. CST

    Way Of The Gun

    by eveelcapitalist

    Shit, I remember that movie now. Terrible. And it says here that he also wrote Valkyrie. Awful. The odds of Jack Reacher being halfway decent? I'd say not so good. So I suppose for future reference I will be avoiding movies made by Christopher McQuarrie. Good to know. Oh shit, he's writing The Wolverine? GodDAMMIT!

  • ...Harry's level of incoherence has finally risen to the level that you start to wonder if he's in the final stages of a syphilis infection.

  • I really came away from the audio commentary(I listened really just to hear Benicio stories, the man's a genius) wanting to see Chris get another shot. He seemed to have a great understanding of what he did wrong, and was really honest about it all. It's a great commentary by a first time director, if you're a filmmaking geek you should give it a listen.

  • that I will never be able to go down on a girl again without giggling over that review. And of course then having to come up and explain to the girl why it is that I am giggling. My first attempt to explain did not go well.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 8:27 p.m. CST

    It's NOT Harry's review.....

    by Marc

    Cause he didnt go into a long intro about his childhood/dad/wife/growing up in Austin/how many tacos he had for dinner/how he wishes he were more of a man..... and then proceed to ejaculate all of this film... **which looks bad ass btw**

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 8:50 p.m. CST

    @alienfanatic, I've been here for a few years...

    by The_Closet_Nerd

    and am used to Harry's piss poor writing, but that Blade II review is so amazing, I thought it was a parody of Harry's writing. I couldn't believe it was real. I'm used to him going on about who he knows, his family, his wife that no one cares about, his childhood, and being completely incoherent through it all but that Blade II review was... I can't even find the words for it. I'm still in a state of disbelief.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 8:54 p.m. CST

    I've seen turtles.

    by thefreshestthing

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 9:20 p.m. CST

    masteryoda007

    by Kelly Grimes

    Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid gave us Parker and Longbaugh

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 9:37 p.m. CST

    This is an incoherent, wandering fucking mess-

    by terrynation

    it HAS to be Harry. Nobody else 'writes' like him.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 9:52 p.m. CST

    I like TDKR

    by Bobo_Vision

    I stand amongst those who name it as a good film. There are no stand out performances like Heath Ledger, who most people were opposed to because he was the gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain. The film is similar to Batman Begins in terms of quality, but it is still a good film. A film of redemption. A film of struggle against the masses. Full disclosure....I'm drunk right now and watching TDKR....and I'll masturbate later....but this film is good.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 10:19 p.m. CST

    Created a login just for this

    by Reach_a_breaking_point

    I've been coming to this site ever since I'd learned about it back in 2003. Or should I say - "I've been to this site for about 9 years now". Never have I been compelled to write anything mostly just getting my fix on some "choice" reviews for movies and comics. Not that there's ever been any Roger Ebert's here, I understand that the Internet has created it's own language and some adults out in the real world even utter LOL instead of laughing, i get it. for the most part I let it pass... but to call this atrocity a review and then to publish it... That does it for me. Thanks to some of the talkbackers who have mentioned other sites - I'm gonna be checking those from now on. And completely delete this from my browser. Hire someone to do your work Harry. You're absolutely awful brother. I used to buy my amazon DVDs/bluerays through your colum just to help the site - that's "a fistful of dollars" you ain't ever getting back Good luck to those who can stand for this Ciao

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 10:19 p.m. CST

    Pain killlers are a helluva drug!

    by Banned-ki-moon

    Harry writes like a retarded chimp with a meth problem and expects people to pay $2 for an app filled with his incoherent ramblings? What's worse is people actually PAID for it! Well, maybe they're just purchasing a guaranteed laugh-a-second at some fat slob's sad yet funny attempt at writing. That I can understand.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 10:28 p.m. CST

    This article is a testament to this site....because of the talkbacks

    by Bobo_Vision

    If you try other talkbacks, you will find humorless dullards who suck the shit out of Hollywood producers, studio CEO's, and Tom Cruise. If that is your flavor, then eat shit and die.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 11:23 p.m. CST

    just cleared the embargo stage

    by Bass Ackwards

    I wonder why we aren't seeing other reviews pop up if that's the case?

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 11:24 p.m. CST

    I've seen CHOCOLATE COVERED PUSSY JUICE for about a month now

    by This_is_the_Zodiac_speaking

    It's what we're supposed to call Tom Cruise's fecal matter when he plays with it.

  • Also, every time I see a new movie advertised, I ask myself *Now, why should I give two shits about that film?* Thank God reviewers like Harry are our there to help me budget my Shits, so i don;t give them away needlessly. Seriously, Harry? That was your hook? Keyser...I just had the awful image of Harry doing that *DINER* trick alone but with a big bowl full of lime Jello cubes, sitting in his wheelchair in the open row in the back of the theater, snoring and drooling.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 11:55 p.m. CST

    @cellarat

    by Reach_a_breaking_point

    Ok. I take back all my vitriol for this site. If this poor excuse for a "writer" gets me to read shit like your line by line review of his non-sensical shaist, then this site is worth some checking out. FUCKING BRILLIANT MATE! Haven't laughed this hard in a while.

  • Dec. 7, 2012, 11:56 p.m. CST

    Bob Dole wrote this review.

    by Joe Cranford

    Bob Dole's review is by Bob Dole. Bob Dole.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 2:29 a.m. CST

    Harry has a beer and cheets on his review

    by A_Banned_Apart

    This is both incredibly hilarious and painfully sad to read. Hope you'll give it another go when you're in better condition to write, Harry.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 3:11 a.m. CST

    Get well soon, Harry.

    by Twisted Knacker

    I can only imagine you were in severe pain when attempting to compose this review.

  • JACKREACHER! you're damn right.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 3:20 a.m. CST

    THE MANY LOVES OF JACK REACHER

    by Nintendarth

  • English For Dummies. I kid, I Kidd.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 5:08 a.m. CST

    Just fuck off

    by Brody77

    This movie is an insult to any fan of the books. And Lee Child is a prick for letting Cruise do it. This role is the sort of thing you'd want to wait another 10 years and get Chris Hemsworth for.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 5:27 a.m. CST

    Harry is doing this on purpose. He know

    by tradeskilz

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 5:28 a.m. CST

    Harry is winding us up on purpose to get the talkback going.

    by tradeskilz

    He is clever that way. Everyone know the talk backs is why people enjoy this site.

  • The movie might be good but they need a better title.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 6:30 a.m. CST

    Chief Dan George!

    by James

    You're right, Harry! Chief Dan George was awesome in The Outlaw Josey Wales! Very good! I hope that you're on some serious narcotics, dude. This better be like a dilaudid-fentanyl cocktail with a oxycontin chaser, or you've just made it painfully clear that you have gone completely, profoundly, hopelessly, and tragically insane. Jeeeeeez.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 6:43 a.m. CST

    What do me like better? JACK REACHER or JOSEY WALES?

    by James

    That easy. JOSEY WALES! Duh.

  • Then we can all have a chance to see Jack Reacher for a month.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 9:35 a.m. CST

    Bill Shatner with a hint of tourette's.

    by bioforge

    Great thread AICN just keeps on giving.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 9:40 a.m. CST

    "has huge fans"??? This is so great.

    by MariusXe

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 9:49 a.m. CST

    Closet Nerd

    by Fart Magnus

    I pissed my pants laughing at 'his wife that nobody cares about'!!! We all know there is no wife. Can you imagine a woman marrying and putting up with him?!?

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 10:20 a.m. CST

    Tommy Cruise AS Jack Reacher

    by Matt

    We're in deep shit. Jack Reacher is on to us.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 10:30 a.m. CST

    WTF???

    by Matt

    We're in deep shit. Jack Reacher is on to us.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 10:31 a.m. CST

    How do you get multiple lines of text in here FFS?

    by Matt

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 10:33 a.m. CST

    My favourite sentence: "He found problems".

    by Knuckleface

    I'm convinced Harry let his little nephew write this review.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 10:34 a.m. CST

    Critical mass!

    by dude_gimme_tabs

    This has now reached critical Internet mass and is being mocked in other places. It is being discussed in the forums at Corona Coming Attractions.

  • ...somebody is going to have to either comment on the review or lock the thread, right? I just want some sort of "official" response to this review - even if it's just to ban all the users, fire all the staff and sell the site to a Laotian mail order bride company. Actually...that's kind of what I'm hoping will happen!

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 10:55 a.m. CST

    Bound to Fail

    by Matt

    We're in deep shit. Jack Reacher is on to us.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 11 a.m. CST

    by Matt

    <p>"We're in deep shit. Jack Reacher is on to us."</p><p>"Who is Jack Reacher?"</p><p>"Only the most badass Military Detective ever. He puts even the finest investigatind Detective to shame. When he finds problems, they can't be unfound. Our plans for political corruption are at serious risk."</p><p>"Where is he?"</p>"Over there."</p><p>"Where? Off in the distance? Beyond that dwarf?"</p><p>"No. He IS the dwarf."</p><p>"You're shitting me."</p><p>"I shit you not. He's a force of nature. A whirling dervish of pain and suffering. When he starts spinning and that forehead makes contact with your balls, you'll know pain like you've never imagined. The bridge of that little fucker's nose has seen more gooch sweat than B.J. Raji's jockstrap. I've seen regular-sized men begging their mates to kill them after they've been 'Reachered.' "</p><p>"Goddammit. And goddamn the Greyhound bus system for bringing him surreptitiously to our town."</p>

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 11:23 a.m. CST

    Harry's got whatever the opposite of a Midas Touch is.

    by Jazzpha

    Thing is, now I won't be able to watch The Outlaw Josey Wales ever again without this review making me crack up. Ditto the... whatever it was that masqueraded as his Blade 2 review. Harry's reviews: robbing movies of their pathos like a drunken, rambling thief in the night since '96.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 12:16 p.m. CST

    Terry Crews IS Jack Reacher?

    by Barnald

    maybe?

  • This one should be called AICN: How I created a Brilliant Website And Then Destroyed It.

  • I stopped reading after: Reacher is essentially the most badass Military Detective that there ever was.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 2:17 p.m. CST

    I've reread this a couple times...

    by The_Closet_Nerd

    giving myself a day in between each time just to clear my head, and it gets worse every time. This wouldn't pass a fifth grade writing class. It's got every bad piece of writing in it that I tell my 13 year old son to avoid. He really did luck out getting onto the internet at the ground floor.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 3:03 p.m. CST

    Robert Duvall has a Shooting Range in this one

    by Robert Hand

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 3:05 p.m. CST

    Twist Ending

    by Robert Hand

    Reacher ends up at it.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 3:05 p.m. CST

    "I've seen Jack Reacher for about a month now". You mean continuously?

    by Cotton_Mcknight

    Or did you see it a month ago?

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 3:31 p.m. CST

    plant reviews shouldnt be this long

    by walt

    just say i love sucking cruise dick and scientology is the greatest religion since the worship of baal love how aicn slips these in on occasion just like when dark shadows came out

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 3:46 p.m. CST

    I wish I knew who wrote this review so I could fuck them up the butt...

    by Queefer Sutherland

    ...with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 3:55 p.m. CST

    I bet Mitch Rapp could take him.

    by DoctorWho?

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 4:17 p.m. CST

    ** Now, now, Queefer.. Harry is doing us a great service. **

    by Monroville

    The AICN talkbacks (particularly this one) is like a bar. A good ole "hole in the wall" bar, where instead of alcohol we have each other's words. So just sit right back and enjoy. BTW, is someone going to archive this in case the Mayan Apocalypse wipes out the AICN servers?

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 4:20 p.m. CST

    All your base all belong to us

    by Bill

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 4:35 p.m. CST

    I've reached around Tom Cruise for about a month now.

    by Gary Makin

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 4:35 p.m. CST

    The fact that Knowles wont respond to this says it all.

    by Mike J

    Harry doesn't give a shit about this site or the readers. He just wants to bask in his rapidly waning Z list celebrity status and endulge himself in ego massaging exercises like KnowlesWankAThon. Harry thinks he is special and better than every reader here. The sad fact is that he is actually less interesting than the vast majority of TBs here and probably knows less about movies than most of us, too. Knowles punches out an illiterate review which he cannot be arsed to spell-check or prooof read, because all he wants to do is get in with Paramount. And I'm willi go bet Jack Reacher t will screen at BNAT because Harry is thatobvious a whore that he will pimp himself out just to get goodies, freebie and pwesents. Over the years thatI've watched this once brilliant site decline I have oftne suggested Knowles sell up to someone who actually cared. And preferably so eone who didn't have the IQ of a brain-damaged hamster like the current CEO. I honestly wish someone would give Knowles a slap in the face and tell him to grow the fuck up, to stop hiding behind his made-up back story and all his imagined sexual exploits and his silly Thor hats and Green Lantern rings and become a FUCKING ADULT. And nobody ever does. People just suck up to Harry. Nothing changes. And Knowles is the reason. Harry, you are a pathetic and lazy individual who knows little about actual movies and less about actually writing about them. You should be ashamed of yourself.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 4:59 p.m. CST

    Another sign this film stinks: world premiere is in Pittsburgh

    by Knuckleface

    No offense to Pittsburghers (hold the mayo please), but if a big star vehicle premiers in a small market with virtually no national media, then the producers are trying to hide something.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 5:05 p.m. CST

    I will keep reading this for about a long time now.

    by James Fellows

    JACK REACHER is an old school man with internally created way of life.

  • lure everyone in, like The Red Wedding on Game of Thrones, then ban everyone who slagged him for it lol That is, if my understanding of The Red Wedding is correct, I've been avoiding the books but so many people talk about TRW without a spoiler warning, it's hard to avoid.

  • Someone got paid to write...that?

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 6:46 p.m. CST

    All Your Base Are Belong To Us

    by IWasInJuniorHighDickhead

    Memes are bad enough anyway, if you don't quote them correctly, we're just in some weird maelstrom of post-postmodern bollocks.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 7:39 p.m. CST

    Uh, knucklehead...

    by Beebop

    It was filmed in Pittsburgh. That's the only reason it's premiering there. It's getting some good reviews, too. The movie is probably a pretty good action movie, and not even close to a stinker.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 7:45 p.m. CST

    =It's getting some good reviews, too=

    by evergreen

    [citation needed] Rotten Tomatoes - No Reviews Yet... Fuck you.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 7:48 p.m. CST

    Right now Harry is either...

    by Cody

    A) planning to ignore this forever Or B) Thinking up his clarification AKA lie about how this whole thing was a funny joke. Like how he over the top lied/clarified that creepy Blade 2 review by claiming it was a dare that a hot chick that was spending the night with him urged him to do. Riiiight...

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 8:30 p.m. CST

    He smells a frame

    by ThatEndDown

    I am almost tempted to see this film just to see if at some point Jack Reacher walks into a craft store, makes a beeline for the frame department, and smells a frame.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 8:33 p.m. CST

    Are there any other movie news sites that aren't collider or joblo?

    by dylan alvord

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 9:05 p.m. CST

    Stopped coming here 3 years ago when it was obvious the place had gone to shit

    by Don_Drapers_Acid_Trip

    Decided to come here tonight to see if it had turned around any and read this, which apparently has been the high point of the past 3 years.

  • I mean, the guy has to smell like shit right? I mean with his awesome physique and the god given grace by which he rolls around, there's no way he can wash his own ass after defecation. His poor mail order bride probably has to do it for him, poor woman. I might get the ban hammer but I don't care anymore, the only reason to come to this site is to trash the men who flushed it down the toilet, I sure don't come for the DVD column or the reviews that seem like 4th graders wrote them. Peace out my brothers and sisters, keep watching movies and I hope that illegal downloading brings the end of going to theaters to watch movies just like illegal downloading music brought the end of the CD.

  • whose d!ck does h@rry have to suck to make this happen?

  • It is an incredibly entertaining site that updates often and with relevant news.

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 10:56 p.m. CST

    "I ate her to orgasm" ... EWWWW!

    by thefreshestthing

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 11:23 p.m. CST

    checking out slashfilm now

    by Robert Hand

  • Dec. 8, 2012, 11:29 p.m. CST

    *ahem* penis penis penis penis penis penis song!

    by Adam D. Kline

    penis penis penis penis penis all day long!

  • The two most absurd reviews ever, together at last on the same thread.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 7:25 a.m. CST

    that read like...

    by smashphillips

    a first grade book report.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 7:33 a.m. CST

    I found problems

    by James

    Harry could fuck up a wet fart just living day by day the way he lives.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 8:21 a.m. CST

    thatenddown -- smell a frame

    by lv_426

    I'm on the phone with Hobby Lobby as I type this. If they find problems, I'll instantaneously go from zero to sixty. There will be an acceleration of violence, kept in check by a rather intense personal code. That's because I'm an old school man with an internally created way of life. Now where did I put that Greyhound bus schedule?

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 9:36 a.m. CST

    @lv_426

    by ThatEndDown

    So what you're saying is you're a little like Kane from Kung Fu, a bit more like John Rambo, and a lot like Josey Wales.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 10:18 a.m. CST

    Tom Cruise cast as the wrong Jack

    by Murphy7

    Repairman Jack has similar themes and a profile that better fits Cruises's stature.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 10:49 a.m. CST

    This is the Plan 9 From Outer Space of movie reviews.

    by Gary Makin

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 11:23 a.m. CST

    Have another barb of the verbal side

    by WilhelmScream

    This review is a hate crime against the English language. Even if the author had been repeatedly finger diddled by an adverb as a child, it would not provide mitigating circumstances in defence of this egregious assault on grammar, syntax, spelling, punctuation and cogent thought. The only way I could read it without self-harming was to imagine it was Patty Duke during her final breakdown in "Valley Of The Dolls" - "Boobies, boobies, boobies. Nothin' but boobies. Who needs 'em? I’ve seen JACK REACHER for about a month now..." I've been coming to this site for about ten years now and used to tripping over the grammar roadkill of Harold's DVD reviews but it is this nadir that has prompted me to sign up just to say I was there the day the language died. You talkbackers are bloody magnificent.

  • I mean sometimes I get so mad I freaking boil!

  • This review can't make that same claim in reference to the English language.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 12:51 p.m. CST

    I shall now go to the Blade II review

    by lv_426

  • Greyhound buses on fire off the shoulder of I-88. I watched the A-Team boiled into one in the dark near the Tannhäuser Frame. All those moments will be lost in time, like one's sanity after reading this Jack Reacher review. Time to get fucking drunk.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 2:45 p.m. CST

    This review

    by ThatEndDown

    reads at times like someone trying desperately to pitch an idea to a bunch of bored movie execs.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 4:02 p.m. CST

    Just trying to do my part, gentlemen.

    by FuckinAmateurMan

  • I saw it too, a few months ago at a Paramount screening and this thing fucking rocks. Unlike most of the trolls on this site, I've read 6 of the bJR ooks (including One Shot) and am working on my 7th so I had my doubts too. But everyone involved worked their asses off to bring this thing together and, sorry cock-suckers, but you'll have to live with the disappointment that the movie 1000 times better than the Star Trek fan-movie you're writing in your pimple-infested head. -- You're Friend, D.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 5:28 p.m. CST

    @sluggolicious I think you need to re-read this thread.

    by thefreshestthing

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 5:34 p.m. CST

    Reacher round.

    by SigourneyWeavers3Dbeaver

    Sorry, couldn't help myself.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 5:52 p.m. CST

    fuckinamateurman.

    by Deceased Fan

    Blade II was in top talkbacks yesterday. You succeeded.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 6:12 p.m. CST

    Ha no shit. I was out yesterday. Thanks for the heads up

    by FuckinAmateurMan

  • No way I'm going to watch a non- 6'5" Tom Cruise though. If they had reverse-Hobbitised him then I'd be interested.

  • I believe Tom Cruise eats the penis better than any man or woman alive.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 7 p.m. CST

    Re: Banned Dirty Ape

    by SK229

    This review settles it, I'm officially looking into creating a site that would be an alternative to this kind of massive fail. There is literally only one piece of the site that matters above all else (aside from color scheme and preventing clutter, two reasons I fucking HATE Hitfix.) And for fuck's sake, can anyone here just OWN UP TO IT. I could be wrong, but has Harry EVER talked about his poor grasp of the language? How about his seemingly endless pool of INDIFFERENCE towards his own creation? This last two or three weeks is, imho, the nadir... the posts getting deleted, the shady answers, the indifference, the app... what a tremendous crock of shit.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 8:45 p.m. CST

    WAS THIS REVIEW ORIGINALLY WRITTEN IN CRAYON

    by big_dicks_cum_from_small_beginnings

    on your bedroom wall?

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 8:57 p.m. CST

    This review may be the back breaker, yet . . .

    by seteger

    This site's been slow to the news and questionable about its sense of what's "cool." Remember the spoilers on new episodes, for example? Those days seem long gone. I checked out slash film and dark horizons, so thanks for mentioning alternatives. Any other suggestions are appreciated. But you know, those sites are almost TOO professional. At AICN, it's like we're all hanging out at a retarded kid's house--an old friend who's gotten more pathetic, when you're not feeling nostalgic--and the house is old, pretty run down, but homey, you know? The red-haired kid increasingly just talks to himself in the corner of the room, giggling randomly, while the rest of us make fun of him and shoot the shit. It could be worse.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 9:15 p.m. CST

    First "official" review at Rotten Tomatoes is up

    by Beebop

    http://www.totalfilm.com/reviews/cinema/jack-reacher?ns_campaign=reviews&ns_mchannel=rss&ns_source=totalfilm&ns_linkname=0&ns_fee=0 Glowing. This is going to be a good movie, but I don't think it'll find much box office success.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 9:19 p.m. CST

    I’ve peeped JACK REACHER fo' on some month now, nahmeean?

    by TheUmpireStrokesBach

    http://www.gizoogle.net/bing.php?search=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aintitcool.com%2Fnode%2F59895&se=Bling+dis+shiznit

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 9:31 p.m. CST

    HOW IN THE FUCK DOES ONE MISSPELL "INVESTIGATIND" BUT GET "OYELOWO" RIGHT?

    by big_dicks_cum_from_small_beginnings

    Only fat Harry.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 10:42 p.m. CST

    Seteger- that description sounded like a wacked out setpiece from Gummo...

    by FuckinAmateurMan

    But it was strangely on point, which makes me sort of sad.

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 11:21 p.m. CST

    Thanks HEADGEEK ...

    by HoraceSkinner

    Thank you for this review, talk back, and site. More enjoyable than a comedy ive seen in years

  • Dec. 9, 2012, 11:50 p.m. CST

    I've seen blood in my stool for about a month now

    by Bobo_Vision

    Doctor says bacon isn't a condiment.

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 9:34 a.m. CST

    Brutal? PG-13?!?

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Best joke in years! PG-13 is never "brutal" (and don't even dare to start arguing with TDK...)

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 10:21 a.m. CST

    Way Of The Gun = Underrated Classic

    by goatboy500

  • It's been edited since the incident. I really don't blame him, considering his many health issues, for downloading it, but I still enjoyed that talkback.

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 11:50 a.m. CST

    Saw the TV ad last night with the blurb "KICK ASS" - AintItCoolNews

    by openthepodbaydoorshal

    It flashed for a second, but I believe Harry's name was attached. So your work is done, sir. It is getting good reviews (mostly from the British press), but I think the title will be it's downfall. Just as the Wall Street Journal said the title John Carter sounded like a movie about an insurance salesman, Jack Reacher sounds like a movie about a '70s porn star. Which would you rather see?...Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry, or Clint East wood in Harry Callahan? Thought so.

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 12:07 p.m. CST

    Harry has manipulated my mind into seeing JACK REACHER

    by James

    For some reason I can't wait to see this movie now. Is it true, Harry, that he’s kinda like the whole damn A-TEAM boiled into one very lethal Tom Cruise? Is it also true that he keeps things explosive, even if they’re barbs of the verbal side? Paramount, my money is yours. Harry sent me.

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 12:13 p.m. CST

    ive read jack reacher review for about four days now...

    by dirk123

    Funniest talkback and worst written article to ever grace this site. Fucking comedy gold. harry, you're just awful at this game. awful

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 12:13 p.m. CST

    There's a bomb in Jack's ribcage!!!

    by Hangar315

    I'm pretty sure I saw Venom in that talkback as well. Good God, man.

  • that he prefers to write in a stream of consciousness style, but I have no idea where or when that was said.

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 1:07 p.m. CST

    I'm still coping with this review

    by seteger

    In addition to the "stream of consciousness" style of writing (*Faulkner rolls in his grave*), I also recall Harry mentioning how he sometimes uses his iPad to write reviews. As someone who's tried to type on an iPad many a time, it's easy to write like an idiot on that thing unless you buy a keyboard peripheral for it. Shit, now I'm becoming a Harry apologist. I just don't want to feel bad anymore. I would guess, optionally, that Harry was a.) using dictation software, b.) while driving, and c.) about to go eat dinner or something else more important to him than composing a coherent review. /apology

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 1:25 p.m. CST

    HD DVD

    by Mace Tofu

    Still the best upconverter in the house for my regular DVDs and yes I have a BR player.

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 1:36 p.m. CST

    Can't wait for Pacific Rim

    by JackSmack

    Harry can follow up his Blade 2 review by describing how GdT gives a Pacific Rimjob. HUGE PROPS to keysersoze. Simply brilliant satire, man. (and I AM a professional writer/editor.)

  • dictation software was my guess a couple of years ago, but the bizarre punctuation wouldn't be caused by software, would it?

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 2 p.m. CST

    re: "he sometimes uses his iPad to write reviews."

    by jim

    So, that explains the last couple of years. What was he writing reviews on before, his blackberry? I'm guessing back in High School Harry would submit his assignments via pager.

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 3:47 p.m. CST

    The Rock could have been Reacher

    by Hipshot

    Just fine. Attitude, physicality...all of it.

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 4:05 p.m. CST

    It's Completely Impossible to Defend ANY Part of this "Review"

    by Read and Shut Up

    Harry. Harry, Harry, Harry. ...Harry. Really?

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 4:15 p.m. CST

    Sith Witches, Start Your Black Lightsabers...

    by Read and Shut Up

    Could Jack reach her? Investigatind much lately? NOW it gets interesting? NOW? Looks like somebody ate all the acid, washed it down with 'shroom tea, then slipped and bashed his head on a computer keyboard. REPEATEDLY. To those of you who spent the meager $2 for the AICN app? Ha. Ha. Ha.

  • Unless it's a joke.

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 5:23 p.m. CST

    Does anyone remember...

    by ThatEndDown

    ...which review it was where Harry made some glaring mistake and in the talkback wrote it off as some sort of in-joke between him and his dad?

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 5:44 p.m. CST

    @ Whitnehoustonzombie re: Brian Cox

    by The_Cellarrat

    Good find...I was looking for that as well. Readin that article you linked to made me notice a fun game to play...go back over the history of the DVD columns and read the intro. A-MAZING-LY a large majority of them open with an apology/excuse from harry about them being late. after playing that game for a while, go over to The Onion and search for the fake commentaries by Jim Anchower, and read how every article starts.

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 6:11 p.m. CST

    @whitneyhoustonzombie

    by ThatEndDown

    That's it! Thank you.

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 6:31 p.m. CST

    4 THINGS THAT KILLED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

    by big_dicks_cum_from_small_beginnings

    1) Ebonics 2) Texting 3) Twitter 4) Harry Knowles

  • The man with the rifle drove north. Not fast, not slow. Not drawing attention. Not standing out. He was in a light-colored minivan that had seen better days. He was alone behind the wheel. He was wearing a light-colored raincoat and the kind of shapeless light-colored beanie hat that old guys wear on a golf course when the sun is out or the rain is falling.

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 7:50 p.m. CST

    And the novel is called "Jack Reacher: One Shot"

    by seteger

    Do the gay porn associations never end?!? It's like Ratchet and Clank game titles here, god fuck it.

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 7:54 p.m. CST

    Other gay porn Jack Reacher novel titles

    by seteger

    The Hard Way.

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 7:57 p.m. CST

    Jack Reacher and the Mystery of the Manhole

    by The_Cellarrat

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 8:14 p.m. CST

    Echo Burning

    by seteger

    An actual title of a Jack Reacher novel, I shit you not.

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 8:16 p.m. CST

    I quoted the novel earlier . . .

    by seteger

    . . . because its clipped fragments and flat prose felt, well, a lot like Harry's shitty review. Hard-boiled, my ass.

  • Dec. 10, 2012, 11:02 p.m. CST

    WFT did I just (try to) read?!

    by Bob

    Honestly, that was the most incoherent review I've ever read on here. Harry, if you're hopped up on pain meds, don't be writing shit and posting it. I've been on pain meds that made me babble when no one else was nearby, not to mention the occasional hallucination to with it. At the very least, get someone to proof-read your stuff before putting it up. The most I could get out of this review was, that you like The Outlaw Josey Wales, and The Way of the Gun. Other than that, I really have no clue what this movie is about.

  • I really, really liked your Jack Reacher review. It Was 100% accurate, and thank you for the Jack Reacher Action Figure. I will put it on my desk. Just Kidding, Your a butthole Harry, and you are High as hell. Please respond to me, if I'm Wrong or just Ban me like a pussy. Either way.

  • Please, just admit you can't write for shit, and you are high. Just do it.

  • Dec. 11, 2012, 1:04 a.m. CST

    LMFAO

    by BIG_BAD_WOLF_IN_CAPS

    So, that's where "...about a month..." came from. Yeah, who the FUCKIN' FUCK wrote this so-called review?

  • Dec. 11, 2012, 8:23 a.m. CST

    I've seen unemployment for about a month now.

    by Mel Garga

    Actually, it's coming up on three months and this time-suck site ain't helping my situation. Also, since I've been coming here since '01 I want some sort of special designation like 'AICN Super User' like Huffpost has.

  • Dec. 11, 2012, 8:38 a.m. CST

    The only professional film critic

    by DrGogol

    Who uses the word "duh" in his reviews. It's charming.

  • Dec. 11, 2012, 8:42 a.m. CST

    Crazy review but Cruise nails Jack Reacher...

    by sengoksa

    Suck it up Cruise haters Reviews are in and Apparently height put to one side.. he nails the character that is Jack Reacher 83% tomatometer cant wait to see it..

  • Dec. 11, 2012, 9:07 a.m. CST

    The negative RT review...

    by Beebop

    ....seems like it comes from a book fanboy who can't get past the fact that Cruiste isn't 6'5". Yes, it bugs me too, because Reacher's size is critical to his character, but it's not THE most important aspect. And even that review isn't all that negative

  • Dec. 11, 2012, 12:59 p.m. CST

    mel garga...there was a way to get your sign in #

    by Darth Macchio

    I remember someone posting a url years back that led to an aicn page that would list the numerical order/place you were when you created your account...out of all the accounts on AICN. this was how the old-skewlers could compare the length of particularly old teeth compared to the gummy nubs of the n00bs. that was back in the danny-glovers-dickblood days. maybe even earlier than that. not even all that long ago really. sigh

  • Dec. 11, 2012, 2:14 p.m. CST

    Re: lox444

    by SK229

    Good catch. Best line in a TB EVER, imo.

  • Dec. 11, 2012, 2:46 p.m. CST

    I can't wait.....

    by Scott Mullinax

    to skip this movie.

  • Dec. 11, 2012, 8:01 p.m. CST

    I can't wait for the Pacific Rim review

    by lox4444

  • Dec. 11, 2012, 9:22 p.m. CST

    They should've made Tom Cruise look bigger with CGI.

    by Gary Makin

    Like a reverse Hobbit thing.

  • Dec. 11, 2012, 10:53 p.m. CST

    This "review", and talkback

    by jackofhearts29

    have given me more entertainment than any Tom Cruise vehicle ever could

  • Dec. 12, 2012, 3:15 a.m. CST

    My 2 cent

    by Phategod2

    Worst review ever, And I don't think Harry wrote this because if he did there would have been three paragraphs dedicated to the Outlaw Josie wale s before he even mentions the movie.

  • Dec. 12, 2012, 8:30 a.m. CST

    I'm waiting anxiously for the reviews to praise the music.

    by Nintendarth

    na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na na na NA na

  • Dec. 12, 2012, 8:43 a.m. CST

    Holy Shit!

    by rxse7en

    I actually believe you guys this time. I believe you when you say Harry did not write this. I checked his other pieces and he never uses a double space after a period. That's a holdover from someone that used to use a typewriter heavily and not the autospacing of a computer.

  • Dec. 12, 2012, 8:53 a.m. CST

    4/5 on Empire...

    by Phetikus

    http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?FID=137360 This was an incoherent mess though.

  • Dec. 12, 2012, 9:02 a.m. CST

    Awful, just fucking awful review

    by Nicoflex

    Feel free to delete this craptastic review and we can move forward. Fucking embarrassment.

  • Dec. 12, 2012, 9:52 a.m. CST

    by Cobra--Kai

    I can believe this talkback is still going. Its part of the infection feeding in on society. But thats getting ahead of myself.

  • Dec. 12, 2012, 11:50 a.m. CST

    I remember a review where Harry compared a movie to a turd.

    by my colon sucks

    He talked about the turd in detail, and said something about how it was such a fascinating turd that it was had for him to bring himself to flush it down. I think he made mention of corn kernels being in the turd. Am I making this up? I can't find the review. It was from years and years ago. I feel like it was written maybe a decade ago. I guess that would have put it in the Blade II era.

  • When we were this close to the release of FoTR, there were many more reviews here, IIRC.

  • Dec. 12, 2012, 12:47 p.m. CST

    @ the_cellarrat...

    by BiggusDickus

    I rarely post on this site these days, but just had to reach out to you, man. Your line by line breakdown of poor Harry's review had me in tears. Thank you! Sheer comedy gold!

  • Dec. 12, 2012, 2:44 p.m. CST

    This review

    by schadenfreudian

    Took me a while to get around to reading it, but it was so, SO worth the wait. It's such a delight, in fact, that I mentioned it to a couple of coworkers so they'd be able to enjoy the smell of burning hair that it invokes.

  • Dec. 12, 2012, 3:04 p.m. CST

    evoke, not invoke

    by schadenfreudian

    jeez...

  • Dec. 12, 2012, 7:05 p.m. CST

    Subject no

    by Pete Susoev

    just wanted to piss on the tree too

  • do you remember how they freaked because he was insulted, for being a dick, and everyone panicked because "he could ruin own opening weekend!" with a bitter review on his website? Looking back on that episode, at the time, that was entirely realistic. Today..........raise your hand if you think Harry could ruin an opening weekend box office with a single review. Anyone? No? I'm hearing crickets...

  • Dec. 12, 2012, 8:54 p.m. CST

    Seriously...

    by E

    this TB had me laughing so hard, I wheezed like an asthmatic. Kudos to you all!

  • Dec. 12, 2012, 9:16 p.m. CST

    how do you spell fat?

    by Barnald

  • Dec. 12, 2012, 9:36 p.m. CST

    ye gods,

    by savage_henry

    I haven't been around here in a few years, but holy shit, there is some genuine smartass talent in the t/b's. Some of it is garbage of course, but a surprising amount is clever and biting. I grew up with a bunch of sharp, ball-busting cousins who would cut you down in the most creative ways; has the same vibe here. Maybe a big darker....but I love it. Carry on!

  • Dec. 12, 2012, 11:56 p.m. CST

    Harry - hang your head in shame.

    by JP

    Again.

  • Dec. 13, 2012, 12:46 p.m. CST

    Written by...@Horse_ebooks

    by labcreature

    This was obviously written by Horse ebooks (@Horse_ebooks on Twitter) you guys.

  • Why don't we all bow our heads down in memory of a once mighty web site that, as Lox4444 pointed out, could actually make or break a movie at one point in time. I guess we can say that Harry has jumped the Jack Reacher. Goodnight, sweet AICN.

  • Dec. 14, 2012, 12:41 a.m. CST

    Harry should be waterboarded....with diarrhea

    by HoLottaMo

  • Dec. 14, 2012, 8:07 p.m. CST

    top shelf

    by albertgraves

    Someone here either knew the fact or is one prescient bastard. Lee Child was in a market with his wife and they saw a guy stacking items on the highest shelf. He wondered what the title for that job would be and decided "Reacher." Check it, it's gold.

  • Dec. 15, 2012, 6:37 p.m. CST

    To those who are pummeling this website...

    by Steve Evans

    ...Let's hope you are not reading this because if you are, you clearly don't stand for what you state. If this site is so shit, then why are you still here? oh.. that's why!

  • Dec. 16, 2012, 10:09 a.m. CST

    I FOR ONE GET THE JOKE

    by SoftAndPorky

    ahahahahahahaha.. !!

  • Dec. 16, 2012, 4:36 p.m. CST

    Knuckleface

    by Beebop

    The movie opens with a sniper systemically murdering civilians. That's your connection, right there. It's not unusual at all for things like this to be postponed based on real events.

  • Dec. 16, 2012, 7 p.m. CST

    burple

    by Knuckleface

    If sensitivity were the producers' concern, they would be pushing back the release date, not the premier. The premier is attended by what... 300 people... most of whom are cast and crew, and a few media people who are there to watch the celebrities, not the film. Nobody was paying attention to the Jack Reacher premier anyway. It was in Pittsburgh. I stick to my original comment that the producers are cutting their losses.

  • Dec. 17, 2012, 3:50 a.m. CST

    How is this not been deleted yet?

    by John

    I told myself if this review was still up after a week, I would create a talkback account just so I could post on it. The review is worthless, but the comments are priceless. THANK YOU AICN readers!

  • Dec. 18, 2012, 11:23 a.m. CST

    Harry likes Jack Reacher... And Moriarty likes Jack Reacher?

    by GravyAkira

    The marketing team on this flick isnt doing their job very well because all previews of this have looked bland and uninteresting. The plot for this movie, as outlined by Harry and Moriarty, have made this sound like my favorite kind of flick, an action/mystery/thriller. Here is Moriarty's review for those interested. http://www.hitfix.com/motion-captured/review-tom-cruise-and-chris-mcquarrie-make-jack-reacher-a-compelling-pulp-hero

  • There aren't many commercials, the actors aren't out promoting it....which seems to be a shame, because by most accounts, it's a damned good movie.

  • Dec. 18, 2012, 7:01 p.m. CST

    Saw it tonight, really enjoyed it.

    by ahdvd

    A great gritty thriller (not suspense harry!), really solid performance from cruise, mcquarrie has a very gritty directing style, if you've seen the way of the gun you know how he directs, this is slightly toned down for the lower rating, but it's still got loads of punch - the opening scene will test some people though given the recent shooting incident.

  • Dec. 19, 2012, 7:15 a.m. CST

    embargo

    by BikerZero

    Critics have been asked not to review “Jack Reacher” until Friday that's this friday.

  • Dec. 20, 2012, 8:13 a.m. CST

    So when it's Jack Reacher's turn to buy a drink at the bar...

    by Murphy_its_you

    ...is it a JACK REACHER ROUND? 'Reach-around', get it? Haha... Ha... Oh, fuck you!

  • Swap him for Ed Norton in War of the Worlds - would've been so much better.

  • Dec. 20, 2012, 6:24 p.m. CST

    Having said that - he really should have been in The Hobbit

    by melonman

  • Dec. 22, 2012, 7:07 p.m. CST

    My two pennies worth

    by Denty420

    Harry, stick to being the biggest sycophant in the film industry and leave the writing to the adults. Just some friendly advice.

  • Dec. 24, 2012, 11:55 p.m. CST

    Big enough to play Reacher?

    by John Fasano

    Okay I saw the film yesterday I'm not going to talk about the quality of the film It was a good little action film I'm sure better than Arnold's LAST STAND. What I want to talk about is this constant drumbeat about how tall reacher is in the books. Firstly, you understand that there is a difference between books and movies? In a novel you can have a HUGE protagonist, in a movie you can't: Who is he going to fight? Guys nine feet tall? Think about it A guy as physically impressive in size as the books Reacher would NEVER seem like he was going to get his ass kicked -- so where us the drama in that? The bad guys have to be bigger than the good guys do we root for them. They tried to make Howie Long an action star in the 1990s He was just too fucking big The bad guys have to be more threatening than the good guys! Remember the end of Singers first XMEN? Wolverine, cyclops, jean grey, storm. Versus frog guy, naked blue chick and saber tooth? LAME! If the movies Reacher was six and a half feet tall Who's he gonna fight And cruise did a good job kicking ass He trained hard (with my M14) I hope he does another Reacher and Wahlberg does another Shooter

  • Dec. 24, 2012, 11:58 p.m. CST

    Kurt Russell

    by John Fasano

    Is not much bigger physically than Tom Cruise and none of you trolls have a problem being impressed with Snake Plissken Just pointing that out

  • Dec. 29, 2012, 4:34 p.m. CST

    Seriously though, all the fans of the books are 9 feet tall

    by golden tribw

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