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The Kidd Vs. THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2

It’d be easy to say that by now you know what to expect from a TWILIGHT movie. Edward stares longingly at Bella. Bella stares back at Edward, complete with deep breathing and lip biting. Jacob takes his shirt off, and the melodrama goes on and on and on in some sort of mopey melancholy about two characters – one a human, one a sparkly vampire – who desperately want nothing more than to be together in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship for eternity. The dialogue has been laughable, the effects cheap, and anyone not blinded by Taylor Lautner’s pecs or Robert Pattinson’s… well, I still don’t fully understand the attraction there… can accept that THE TWILIGHT SAGA really isn’t made up of good stories at all, nor very interesting characters. But there have been worse, much worse to come down the pike in both literature and cinema than THE TWILIGHT SAGA that to treat it as some sort of plague on humanity, or at least the female gender, is a bit of an exaggeration. There is an audience that gravitates to these tales, that sees something they can identify with in this romance… however, just because I don’t necessarily get it doesn’t mean I don’t respect the level of devotion they have for their series. Let’s remember… it wasn’t always “cool” to be a fan of STAR TREK, but that didn’t stop those people from embracing what they loved, judgment be damned, anyway.
I gave up long ago criticizing TWILIGHT for what it wasn’t, and once you do that, I think you turn a pretty important corner in accepting it for what it is. That still doesn’t make them the phenomenal stories that their most die-hard fans would have you believe they are, but at least they become a bit more palatable. Some of THE TWILIGHT SAGA films have been better than others – with NEW MOON and its lack of boring Pattinson being the best of the bunch for me so far – and, of course, there has been the downright awful, with the first film being an unbearable watch as you try to reconcile that vampires have been reduced to this. The last film was ridiculously stupid, with Bill Condon bearing a great deal of responsibility for the jumbled mess it was, unable to convey some of BREAKING DAWN PART 1’s ideas and concepts to anyone who hadn’t read the books, making for some aspects that didn’t quite make sense. Having sat next to Jon Doe during a screening for it, he was absolutely convinced the film set things up one way as a result of how it was portrayed on screen, which couldn’t have been further from what was really happening upon further research. So how could THE TWILIGHT SAGA properly wrap up the series with a PART 2 adaptation of that same book, which, to my knowledge, wound up with even less happening this time around than in the previous films where seemingly a lot of nothing already had taken place? By really going against those rather predictable elements THE TWILIGHT SAGA has been built upon to this point. This isn’t a sappy romance about trying to join two forbidden fruits as one anymore. This isn’t about whiny Bella bitching and moaning up a storm about how she needs to be with Edward, needs to be a vampire. It’s about family and friends gathering together to fight for what they believe is right, and to fight for a certain way of life. I really wish THE TWILIGHT SAGA would have began at this very point, because its campy, over the top fun finally instills the series with some entertainment value. If you’re a fan, you’re already on board, but if you’re not… well, you might be surprised by how much you might actually enjoy what transpires on-screen for this final installment.
For BREAKING DAWN PART 2, we’ve moved past the never-ending courtship between Edward Cullen (Pattinson) and Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart). They’re married and now have a child, and she’s fully transformed into a vampire, which also transforms her performance, taking her from the awkwardly dull center of a love triangle to a confident and personable woman. Stewart displays more personality in the first five minutes of BREAKING DAWN PART 2 than in the previous four films combined, and she actually smiles, which is something to behold in and of itself. It’s as if Stewart has finally embraced the enormity of the role and the franchise, and, in this being the last of it, she’s going to go out on a high note.
However, to close out the series, Edward and Bella can’t possibly ride off into the sunset having achieved the happiness they’ve long desired. An elite and powerful group of vampires, the Volturi (led by a delightfully evil Michael Sheen and the demure Dakota Fanning), have received accusations that the new Cullen offspring Renesmee is an immortal child. It’s against vampire law to bite a kid and turn them undead, and, while they don’t have the whole truth, they’re ready to dish out some level of vampire justice on the Cullen clan for this atrocity against their kind. On the other hand, the Cullens spread out to bring in their family and friends to bear witness to the fact that their daughter was born, not bitten – she’s half-human, half-vampire but all-creepy CGI – and that really it’s no harm, no foul, all building to an eventual showdown between the Cullens’ coalition of talented vampires and the Volturi.
Throughout this process, we’re exposed to vampires of all sorts that seem to have more in common with the mutants of the X-MEN franchise than any bloodsuckers I’ve ever seen. They can control the elements. They have electrical current running through them. They can read thoughts. They can show the future. And as we go, we’re able to barely scratch the surface of the wide assortment of vampires that exist in the TWILIGHT world. This concept alone is more intriguing than the boring love story that managed to stretch beyond the breaking point over the previous films, and, for a stretch BREAKING DAWN PART 2 hardly feels like a TWILIGHT film, if not for the characters we’ve come to associate with the brand. They may say they’re not preparing for a fight, but the battle lines are clearly being drawn.

And that leads to BREAKING DAWN PART 2’s third act which is easily the best overall sequence of events these TWILIGHT films have ever known, elevating the film to the position of hands-down being the most entertaining of the saga. For the blame I’ve gave Condon for the last film, he deserves a world of credit for the batshit crazy, over the top direction he takes with this one. There is an air of freshness breathed into these characters by unburdening them from this slog of a love story and thrusting them head on into some vampire-on-vampire action with some werewolves mixed in. Even early on, I questioned whether BREAKING DAWN PART 2 would be more of the same, since after four films, they still couldn’t get the vampires to run quickly through the forest without it looking like it was done by amateurs… but later I got some pretty clear answers, as a pretty hefty portion of the budget easily went to the effects necessary to make the end of the film that much better.
If you’ve been against TWILIGHT from the beginning, it’s going to be hard to convince you to enter the fray at this point, but in its finale, Condon finally seems to have gotten the saga right, presenting a film that fans are sure to love and non-fans can be entertained by in the event they’re dragged along. If you go in with an open mind, I think you’ll walk away from THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2 with a much different perspective than you may have had from the previous installments, which is, “Hmmm… that wasn’t bad at all… and actually kind of fun.” Farewell, TWILIGHT… Just when you seem to have made something above average, we must part ways.
-Billy Donnelly
"The Infamous Billy The Kidd"
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Readers Talkback
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I haven't seen it, but I'm sure it will be....
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It looks as bad as an X-Men movie's. Horrible series anyway.
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Nov. 15, 2012, 11:21 a.m. CST
What, exactly has been worse that this shit in both film and book form?
by nephilim138
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I'd rather rematch TPM a thousand times than a frame of this tripe. Hard to believe there's something more tepid and soulless than that.
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Nice poster, assholes.
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Gunk
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I officially judge the shit out of anyone who pays to see Part 2. Women are so monarch mind controlled by this creepy Mormon/freemasony saga.
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Nov. 15, 2012, 11:28 a.m. CST
They look like they're doing the twist in that poster....
by truedog67
Definitely NOT RUNNING... This shit is like a failed WB Pilot that's gone on about 12 hours too long. Complete shite unless you're a 12 year old girl.
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Nov. 15, 2012, 11:32 a.m. CST
LOVE THE POSTER THOUGH!!! NOTHING SAYS "END OF THE SAGA EPIC" LIKE A NICE BRISK JOG!!!FACT!!!
by CreepyThinManForever
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Nov. 15, 2012, 11:33 a.m. CST
It is over at last now can we forget these movies ever happend ?
by alex
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Nov. 15, 2012, 11:37 a.m. CST
and once you do that, I think you turn a pretty important corner in accepting it for what it is
by Windowlicker74
man that's the most depressing thing i've read all day. Maybe it's better not to watch the movie at all instead of 'turn a pretty important corner'
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Have to try and get one! Can't wait to see this!
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and I can hear that Beach Boys/Fat Boys cover
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Nov. 15, 2012, 11:47 a.m. CST
Michael Sheen whores himself out to any cheesy vampire movie
by Steve Lamarre
I guess in this movie the bad guys are the liberals who want to kill the child a.k.a. abortion.
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Nov. 15, 2012, 11:48 a.m. CST
Billythekidd. Which is better Twilight Saga or Anchorman?
by adeceasedfan
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For the new generations, you know. And make it "dark" and "realistic". Kids love that shit.
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...like so many others so I never post about it. But MAN is that poster insanely, wonderfully, AWFUL!!!
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Nov. 15, 2012, 11:58 a.m. CST
That's the greatest movie poster in the history of cinema. It captures the essence of the Twilight movies perfectly, unbelievably corny and fucking stupid.
by Marlboroliteman
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I'm sorry but that Lautner dude looks like a Monchichi. And that's not racist to say because he's like 99% white. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=od3cNTl40VI
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I was among the most venomous Kidd-haters when he started writing for the site, but either I was blinded by my prejudice or else he's come huge leaps and bounds as a writer since he began doing reviews here. He does a particularly good job of efficiently, informatively laying out what were his own expectations going into a movie, and that provides useful context for the review that follows. This keeps in the AICN tradition of reviews coming from an unabashedly personal (vs. make-believe-supposedly-objective "critical") point-of-view, where it's more like reading the thoughts of a smart, thoughtful friend than some lofty judgment handed down from on high, and it also requires a level of self-awareness that not everyone can muster. While I don't always agree with his opinions of films, I always find them worth reading. Plus, he has a workrate that puts everyone else to shame. So Kidd, if you're reading this, I think you're a very good reviewer, a very valuable addition to the site, and I'm genuinely sorry I was such a dick to you!!!
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Nov. 15, 2012, 12:15 p.m. CST
Edward stares longingly at Bella. Bella stares back at Edward, complete with deep breathing and lip biting. Jacob takes his shirt off
by vulturess
*faints.*
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Can't you people learn a better insult than "fags"?
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Nov. 15, 2012, 12:19 p.m. CST
Where are they running? Not to another movie set, that's for sure
by Mel
talentless idiots
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I wholeheartedly agree with you. However, I'm not at a place where I can apologize for being a dick, but I'm working on it.
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Here's Rudolpho, he plays Chopin very well. Look, there's Angeliqua! She can mince celery flawlessly while looking directly at the camera. Tomas throws a mean fastball...101mph...and with really good accuracy. Poor Loquan though, he couldn't quite hit the howling high parts of Werewolves of London. No room in the Coalition of Semi-Talented Vampires for him either. He just plain...SUCKS.
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Nov. 15, 2012, 12:34 p.m. CST
This series has been perfect RiffTrax fodder.
by Bedknobs and Boomsticks
Most enjoyable with the snark. Stephenie Meyer should have her keyboard revoked particularly for coming up with the name "Renesmee." That is just the worst, ever.
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Nov. 15, 2012, 12:38 p.m. CST
The Kidd finally finds a movie that he likes and defends, and it's a Twilight sequel
by Stegman84
Says it all really. No further jokes necessary.
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Nov. 15, 2012, 12:41 p.m. CST
It can't be any more stupid than the new James Bond movie
by Raptor Jesus
Which I saw yesterday. It was long, stupid, and ridiculous. Completely unbelievable from beginning to end. Yeah, you can get shot twice, then take a two hundred foot fall and survive. And that was the high point of the movie.
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Nov. 15, 2012, 12:43 p.m. CST
They're Running Away from the Smoldering Ruins That Were Their Careers...
by Read and Shut Up
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I watched the first one years ago with my wife. I kinda liked it. It was kind of like an extended episode of Smallville, except with gay vampires instead of Krytonians. I didn't think it was all horrible, but kind of enjoyable as a cheesy, cheap looking movie of the week kind of deal. Looking back, I'm so surprised by how much of a cultural impact this film series and the books it's based on have had. It's just so bland, with pretty terrible acting, silly action scenes, pedantic scripting and a totally unlikable female lead. I thought it was okay as a 90 minute diversion, but the fanatical following this has is incredible.
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I feel obliged to say that anyone who has insulted the kidd is a hate filled angry fool who vents their own unsatisfaction of their own lives and Target it towards a man they don't know via the web. It's stupidity and cowardice combined. Stupid bcos when you write things like "you suck, fact, die of cancer" etc you are automatically proclaiming yourself to be a sad sad person indeed whose only outlet for your hate is the web, probably in your dark room. It is one thing to say you dont like his writing/reviews etc, its another to constantly insult the man with hate and anger filled garbage for someone who you have never likely met. Your only making yourself look ridiculous, immature and vile. Kidd, your doing a great job. Your reviews are always appreciated and i would tell you to ignore the hate but I have a feeling you allready do.
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I can rest happily. also, jackgraham your logic does not compute.
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The first of dozens of (positive) reviews of this turkey on the site, one from every member of staff and no doubt many 'guest' reviewers that we've never heard of before. Then when The Hobbit comes out, it'll get precisely ONE lukewarm review from 'The Kidd'...and if we're lucky, a 'review' from Harry about a month after it comes out, where the red-headed man-child takes about his childhood for six paragraphs, before informing us that he was sleepy and nodded off half an hour into the film and thus can't give us a real review. Tell me exactly who this site caters for again?
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Only on Kinect
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doo-de-doo. Little jog
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I'd rather drink a cup of my own piss, than watch this teenage chick shit. Do you own the Twilight lunchbox as well??
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Where's the fucking edit button in this place?
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None of them have been good, but some of them have been entertaining in a train wreck sort of way.
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Just kidding man, I actually like your reviews.
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In terms of story quality, I have a low opinion of Twilight. It's crap. A poorly drawn fantasy filled with shallow and unrealistic characters that tries hard and unsuccessfully to convince you that it's not merely a tract for Stephenie Meyer's entrenched Mormon faith. (Don't believe me? Find a scanned word doc. version of the books and word-replace "Mormon" for "Vampire", "Indian" for "Werewolf", and "Catholic" for "Volturi"....it will make SO much more sense.) And of course, as Stephen King said (I'm paraphrasing), "Harry Potter is about friendship, loyalty, courage and doing the right thing. Twilight is about having a hot boyfriend." Having said that, I've seen all the films. I'm not a Twihard. I'm not a teenage girl, their mom or their gay friend. So why have I seen them all? Because I'm a movie/pop culture junkie, I'm involved in the industry, and I actually go on dates with girls. So, though I couldn't get more than a hundred pages into book one, I've been following the cinematic exploits of these characters from the beginning. Movie one was bad--but since I went in with subzero expectations, it was watchable, far more than I expected. Movie 2 was definitely better than 1, and 3 was better than 2--in fact, I only blanched a little bit leaving the theater and calling it "pretty good"--such as it is. Movie 4.0, by contrast, was pretty awful, as bad as the review here says and worse. (Seriously, Bill Condon, have your CHICAGO accolades really faded so far that you needed the Twilight paycheck?) But I saw a sneak preview of 4.5--aka Breaking Dawn 2--last night (with TWO dates!) at an industry screening, and I have to say...yeah. Pretty much everything the Kidd had to say, I agree with. Though I still find Bella to be a passive, weak, shallow, bland, and unsympathetic character, Ms. Stewart, DOES improve in this role, though that's not saying much. (I keep reminding myself that she did a great job in The Runaways, proving that even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while--though having Joan Jett cracking the whip over her shoulder certainly had something to do with that. I'd love to see her paired up with Michael Cera someday; they would make for the blandest and most annoying onscreen couple, ever.) The acting talent is impressive for the most part, and the effects are pretty good, especially on the wolves (though some early sequences of the newly Vampified Stewart couldn't help but remind me of Lindsay Wagner running in the opening sequences of the old Bionic Woman TV show). I was making the exact same "X-Men" comparison in my head during the "Meet The Vampires of the World" montage, but some of them were still pretty damn cool. And yes, I'll confess, to see the likes of the lovely Maggie Grace (whom I recently met on a promotional stop for the movie and she couldn't have been nicer), Dakota Fanning and the always adorable Ashley Greene all Vamped out definitely aroused my male interest. I've never actually been bothered by Lautner--he has always struck me as the most genuine of the group, and the one with the brightest future, career wise; and yes, the child actress playing Renesmee (do I need to add to the criticism of that name?) was creepy and extraordinary, in the truest sense of both terms. And like the Kidd I will also single out Michael Sheen's leader of the Volturi as a Vampire villain who definitely deserves a far better context/story/franchise. The final battle sequence shocked me in that it actually displayed far more balls and--ahem--bite than I'd have ever given the series credit for; unfortunately, all the reluctant cool points it earned were immediately revoked by its final resolution which, while I won't spoil it here, makes it such that I'll never be able to watch that sequence again with the same level of emotional investment (and I'm almost embarrassed to admit that finally, towards the very end, I did, in fact, have ANY level of investment in this story and these characters). Suffice it to say that it took what seemed to be the first glimpse of depth, and substance, this series has shown, and completely pissed it away into the wind. It was almost a tease--"See, I CAN be *about* something...but I choose not to be. Deal with it." Having said that, the overall ride of this movie makes it the best of the bunch; I've certainly been on far worse. Indeed, this may be the only one that I *might* want to see a second time. (Not that I'm chomping at the bit to do so anyway; there are far better movies, let alone vampire movies, that I have shamefully neglected.) Also, because I doubt it will be mentioned by many, the single best and classiest note of the entire series doesn't ring until after the end of the movie proper; it's an ending credit sequence that is really, truly, beautiful and impressive (words that also apply to the cinematography and the natural scenery in this film; they are truly stunning). And the one thing I'll never knock are the soundtracks and scores for these films, which have been uniformly impressive. So for all the negatives of this series, it ends on a more positive note than I'd have ever expected. (And I might even go see The Host.) But I truly hope Ms. Meyer means it and doesn't plan to revisit this world. I think we've had enough. And with 3 more Hunger Games films, 3 Hobbit films, more Star Wars, Star Trek, Avengers, X-Men, Batman, Superman, et al--we don't NEED more. (And please for the love of any God(s) who may exist or ever have, NO 50 SHADES OF GREY MOVIE!) And I also hope we see *real* Vampires back on screen again someday...not these Mormon surrogates, not the mindless bloodsuckers, but the elegant, aristocratic creatures as, say, depicted by the Queen of all modern Vampire lore, Anne Rice. In fact to any producers or agents reading, I have a take on "The Vampire Lestat" that will knock your socks off. Call me, we'll do lunch...
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If I want white trash vampires I'll just go watch 'Near Dark' again.
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Nov. 15, 2012, 2:06 p.m. CST
Twilight or Lincoln. Which melodrama to see this weekend?
by AntonStark
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There are a bajillion to the power of 10 young adult books lined up outside in the cold waiting to be adapted into the next Twilight or Hunger Games movie franchise. Now, maybe some of these books will get turned into good movies. I'd wager most of them will be on the same level of quality (or whatever you want to call it) of Twilight.
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Seriously, I want to know.
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I'm sure Creepythinman wants to know.
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That this film will make a couple hundred million dollars off a bunch of fucking dullards who actually think it's worth seeing, or that it will make another 100 million off of another bunch of dullards who feel compelled to keep shoveling money at Hollywood just so they can write reviews and blogs and dissertations about how awful some fucking thing is rather than just rejecting it outright. Apathy is the only enemy Hollywood actually respects. For the fucking life of me, I can't understand why these fucking things haven't been shunned by all but the tweens.
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Nov. 15, 2012, 2:52 p.m. CST
So which is worse: a $100M-ish love story/action melodrama (-ish) or a $200M blockbuster with a thin plot and no soul?
by Bill C.
This might be a trick question depending on your temperament, so think before you answer...
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Nov. 15, 2012, 3:06 p.m. CST
Huh? This is the movie that you decide to ''accept what it is'', instead of what it isn't? WTF...
by Jay
I've bitched on here about the whiners who complain when a movie isn't what THEY wanted, as opposed to what the movie actually is. Since, you know, you're kind of being unfair to the fucking movie! Just see any TB involving sequels for their useless musings on the subject. And now here we are, decided to judge movies on what they're actually about. And the movie is...Twilight? Fucking hell...
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Nov. 15, 2012, 4:12 p.m. CST
The retarded desperate cougars who went the distance with Twilight will just jump ship to the 50 Shades movie when it comes out.
by loafroaster
They're about the same quality.
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Due to social contract with friend, I had to see 1 & 2... so fuckin' boring! Seriously, if they'd only edit out Stewart's zoning and other boring shite, it might have been tolerable. Otherwise~ wake me when it's over would be the best course of action. Thank god that said person found a Twilight buddy to finish off this turd series.
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Nov. 15, 2012, 5:12 p.m. CST
www.aintitcool.com/node/59340 - my prediction of this cool 'review'
by larsson
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Nov. 15, 2012, 5:15 p.m. CST
www.aintitcoolnews.com/node/58519 - another prediction!? stoppit larsson...
by larsson
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Gives kids seizures!
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Nov. 15, 2012, 5:24 p.m. CST
Saw excerpts of the sex scenes from Fifty Shits of Grey
by Bedknobs and Boomsticks
on some aggregate site. Apparently, the old guy shoves ben wa balls up the young girls hoohah. I wonder if that'll make it in the movie? Please cast Emma Watson as has been rumored, so we at least get to see pics of her titties online.
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Nov. 15, 2012, 5:51 p.m. CST
I see they hired the same people that made the X-Files 2 movie poster.
by hank henshaw
Same composition and photoshop mad skillz.
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Sounds (yawn) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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Nov. 15, 2012, 6:27 p.m. CST
Looks like they're rushing to get their assholes bleached, they heard of a two for one sale.
by Marlboroliteman
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Nov. 15, 2012, 6:28 p.m. CST
The poster is shouting RUN!! DON'T WALK!!! To see our fucking stupid movie.
by Marlboroliteman
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Nov. 15, 2012, 7:49 p.m. CST
The Kidd LOVES Twilight Part 5 and Paranormal Activity 4 but hates Lincoln
by thefreshestthing
The fuck?
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They never know what to do with their arms.
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That is all.
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Nov. 15, 2012, 9:17 p.m. CST
The Photoshop head replacement in that poster is hilarious
by Nasty In The Pasty
At least TRY to make them look like they're actually attached to those bodies...
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He seems so upbeat. Is he playing mind games on us? Maybe he's a Fall/Winter kinda guy who loves the Halloween/Thanksgiving/X-mas vibe.
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Creepthinman and The Kidd, thanks for the huge laugh guys! "Nice Brisk Jog" LOL!
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... posed action, but utterly No life in it at all. The only good thing about this release is: Thank F# it's finally over.
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i will never see these films just like i boycotted harry potter and avp. no thanks
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Nov. 16, 2012, 10:29 a.m. CST
turd_is_floating_underneath_the_gravy - *Tell me exactly who this site caters for again?*
by F This
It caters to retards like you who constantly bitch about the site and the reviews, yet keep coming back for more. Your viewing and commenting/bitching/ranting are just more page hits and ad impressions for the site to continue making money. Why should they change when the hopeless retards keep coming back anyway and making this shit profitable?
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Nov. 16, 2012, 10:50 a.m. CST
That asshole in the background looks like he's doing an Irish jig
by kidicarus
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Nov. 16, 2012, 11:13 a.m. CST
I agree it is pointless to review this. It is critic-proof. Morons are going to pay to see this in droves even if it's Battlefield Earth level bad.
by SergeantStedenko
No thanks, Kidd. Life's too short and there are too many good movies to see before I'd waste my time on this tripe. To anyone who says they have to see this because of a girl: Grow some balls. Be a man. Stand your ground. There are much better chick flicks out there you could see with your date, as well as chicks with decent taste in film.
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...for me to poop on!!!
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“Hmmm… that wasn’t bad at all… and actually kind of fun.” Farewell, STAR WARS PREQUELS… Just when you seem to have made something above average, we must part ways.
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Who OK'd that terrible looking poster. I just can't get over how bad it is. No imagination at all. It's embarassing. There should be a Razzie for worst movie poster. Who ever is responsible for that graphic abortion should be held accountable.
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Nov. 20, 2012, 2:44 p.m. CST
She's hotter to me knowing now she likes to fuck older men.
by Bedknobs and Boomsticks
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