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Capone issues a brief but stern warning about a squishy turd of a movie called FUN SIZE!!!

Hey everyone. Capone in Chicago here.

I literally feel like I'm being forced to review this wretched little turd-heap of a movie. No, no one forced me to go to the screening of FUN SIZE or to write this review. But part of my duty to you as a film critic is steering you clear of the crap as well as guiding you to the good stuff, and in that spirit, here's my review of FUN SIZE, from first-time director Josh Schwartz (executive producer of "The O.C.," "Gossip Girl," "Chuck" and "Hart of Dixie").

Like a dirty vulture, this film picks off pieces of slightly better teen comedies and gives us this Halloween tale of a fairly straight-laced Wren (singer Victoria Justice, star of the Nickelodeon staple "Victorious"), who is planning on attending the biggest party of the season with her peer-pressure source/best friend April (Jane Levy), when Wren's desperate single mom (Chelsea Handler) forces her to take her little brother Albert (Jackson Nicoll) trick-or-treating. Albert doesn't speak and likes to cause trouble, so of course he runs off almost as soon as they leave the house, and the entire films is various combinations of people in Wren's life looking for Albert. Wacky adventures ensue, or not.

One major problem with FUN SIZE is that it's not really that funny. I know, it's hard to believe that a film that brings in the outrageous (and uncredited) Johnny Knoxville in at the 11th hour to spice things up doesn't tap into the comedy keg is hard to believe. I will give Thomas Middleditch a little credit as a convenience store clerk for at least having a couple of funny lines.

But as if to counter any contribution he gives the film, Thomas Mann comes in as a third-string Michael Cera to stutter his way through secretly liking Wren but being too cowardly to say it. I should also make mention of the adorable and funny Riki Lindhome's performance as a cosplay character named Galaxy Scout, who helps out Albert. You see, the film isn't devoid of humorous characters. There just aren't enough of them to balance out the terrible script by "Colbert Report" writer Max Werner.

Perhaps the bigger problem with the film is that with the exception of Wren, none of these characters are particularly likable. Now I'm not saying I have to like every character in every movie I see, clearly, but there is almost no one in the movie who isn't selfish, often cruel or otherwise unpleasant to spend time with. The story gives is tired and worn characters we've seen done better in other high school comedies. Good for Nickelodeon for attempting to enter the PG-13 racket (only the second time for them as a film studio), but a few mild gross-out jokes and vague sexual references seem more like an attempt to appear edgy in the eyes of kids than for any real comic effort.

At least something like PITCH PERFECT (which I liked a great deal) had some original humor and an freakish take on certain a slightly older age group; I'm guessing this film is aimed at much the same audience. Rest assured, FUN SIZE is a dismal failure compared to PITCH PERFECT and pretty much every other that was released in 2012. Consider yourself warned, youngsters.

-- Steve Prokopy
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