Hey folks, Harry here. Tonight in London there was a test screening of Guy Ritchie's latest film. Now, many in the United States never saw his first film, LOCK STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS, but man.... I friggin loved that film. If nothing else, the guy being beaten to death with a large black rubber cock was worth the price of admission. This first review comes our girl in London deemed DANGER... and it is oh so brief....

Hi Harry, greetings from the UK. Went to see a roughish cut of Guy Ritchie's 'Snatch' this evening (8th) - with the bloke himself in attendance. To be frank it's more of the same 'Lock Stock' stuff, with everyone shooting guns & swearing. Vinny Jones is Vinny Jones, Brad Pitt might as well be Tyler Duerden again; a 'Pikey' with an 'oirish' accent (though this time it's funny to listen to).The plot moves at such a pace you don't care that the characters are as deep as a puddle. Definitely a 'lads' film. Can't see it transferring too well to an American audience as it's way too 'London', but I think it'll do better business than the last one. Short and sweet.

Keep it real

Danger Ì

And then there's this fella whom I referred in the title of this story as being a probable wanker, and the only reason I say that is upon reading his review I can't help but think that he sat through the entire film fighting with it. Working against the film. Still pissed at the success of the first film and sitting there with a strange sense of smug superiority. OF COURSE I COULD BE WRONG, and if I am I apologize to Monkeeboy below, but this guy didn't like LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS which was incredibly cool and full of life. He criticizes EVERYTHING that I loved about the first film, in this new film. He claims the whole film hinges on coincidence. THIS IS LIFE. Did you meet you wife premeditated? With the idea that she would be the one you married? Or was it at some party that someone threw that you were begrudgingly taken to, She was bored too and.... TA DAA, magic ensues. Hell, I created this site after being rendered partially paralyzed after being hit by a flatcart loaded with over a thousand pounds of movie memoribilia sticking me in my bed next to my computer for 6 months with nowhere to go and nothing to do then screw with my computer. Act of God? Strange coincidence? To me it sounds like a cliche' superhero origin story, but neverthless... it's true. Strange things happen, weird things are afoot... Guy Ritchie has fun with these things, and I adored his first film for that. Every criticism that Monkeeboy makes perks my interest further. I can not wait to see this one, here's Monkeeboy... watch out for moderate spoilers...

Hey there Knowles

I just got back from a test screening of Guy Ritchie’s Cockney confuse-a-thon, Snatch, the "eagerly" awaited pseudo sequel to that other faux-cockney effort Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, and I thought I’d share with you my valuable thoughts.

This was obviously not the final cut of the film. The usual no credits/no colour balance/temp score scenario. Now, I really didn’t like Lock, Stock at all in the first place. I thought it smelt of shit. Conversely, I was genuinely looking forward to Snatch. I was wrong. But all you screaming Guy Ritchie fans out there will love it.

It roars off straight away in a terribly baffling manner with two story threads, one concerning the retrieval of a right big diamond, the other concerning a boxing promoters woes as his crazed gypsy fighter keeps taking out opponents he’s supposed to lose to. The plot goes round and round and round like you wouldn’t believe, with almost all of the huge cast of characters (with names like "Tommy the Tit", "Four-fingers Frankie" and "Boris the Bullet Dodger") crossing each others paths. The amount of times the diamond changes hands is truly astounding. As madcap as it may be, and believe me, it gets pretty farcical, you’re never in doubt that things will tie themselves up neatly, and people will get their just desserts/rewards. It’s predictable, yet slyly disguised as anarchy.

With such a large cast, it’s kinda hard to single out any main characters. They’re all given roughly the same amount of screen time, and they’re all nasty. Benicio Tel Toro is wasted as a Russian who gets trapped in a van (Benicio to Agent: "Wow! What a role!"), veteran "EastEnder" Mike Reid gets to say "fuck", Dennis Farina doesn’t fair too well as "some guy who wants the diamond", Vinnie Jones is back for more comedy violence and some nasty old guy with bad glasses plays some bad old guy with nasty glasses. And bad teeth.

The only standouts for me were drum ‘n bass pop star Goldie, as a clueless Yardie, and Brad Pitt, a suitably grubby "fucking pikey". A borderline psycho retard gypsy scumbag - unintelligible, but unlike Jar Jar, hard as fucking nails. He lifts absolutely every scene he’s in with a manic and nervous delivery, and some tasty bare-knuckle action that resembles a sort of Fight Club 2. I guess that why they pay him the big bucks. Shame his tatoos run when he sweats…

Oh, and another thing is a big, curly, ginger mullet that you have to look out for. That’s good for a few yuks. (No offence, Harry..)

So while the actors and director are having fun, the film downright fails. It’s amateur night, I’m afraid - like watching a school play. Ritchie is one immature bastard, who equates someone saying "You Fackin Cant!" with comedy and people being threatened with swords with drama. How come he’s boinking Madonna, I’ll never know. The films runs at a single pace from beginning to end, and then stops. The whole narrative relies on coincidence and nothing more to keep it going, and believe me, there are more accidental occurrences in this than almost any other film I’ve ever seen. The audience reaction was definitely muted, no doubt about that, although some people seemed to love every minute of it. I don’t buy it. I’d say Guy Ritchie is a one-trick pony after this nonsense. Oh, and the narration!….Can we say extraneous? Jason Stratham is literally describing his on-screen movements! It’s so unnecessary I can’t believe it.

In it’s favour, the editing does hit some serious high points, (Dennis Farinas trip from NY to London on Concorde lasts five seconds, door to door…) and the telephone split screen gimmick is quite fun, too. I just wish it wasn’t such an unsubtle film. Not good.

OK, gotta go, William H. Macy is nicking my BMX.

Monkeeeboy