I have no clue who to blame about the stiflingly awful film that I stumbled across today, but I’m left... rather stunned that a studio would actually release this abomination unto the world.

In the realm of bad cinema you have many levels of hell... In a way it’s alot like Dante’s map of heaven, purgatory and hell. Upon each of these levels there is a different level of bliss or pain.

I DREAMED OF AFRICA may very well be the lowest descent into Hell I’ve taken thus far in my years of cinematic experiences.

First, you tell me it’s directed by the man that brought me CHARIOTS OF FIRE and GREYSTOKE... two films I enjoyed quite a bit. At ShoWest, I saw the product reel for the film and had this to say:

“I DREAMED OF AFRICA: Directed by Hugh "CHARIOTS OF FIRE" Hudson. At first glance I thought... Hmmm.... OUT OF AFRICA minus Meryl Streep and Robert Redford and with the amazing talents of Kim Basinger? But ya know what. This is beautiful. Images of a hacked apart rhino and other dead animals... the chasing and brutality of poachers... a stunning shot of a cobra throwing it's venom... a windmill collapsing on the African tundra. Has anyone seen or heard anything on this one?”

In fact Moriarty went even further and said he loved this Clip!

Looks can be quite deceiving.

I DREAMED OF AFRICA is a film devoid of narrative structure. You see... No two scenes lead into one another.... EXCEPT for when in so doing it would be a Cliché.

I know that sounds impossible, but the film was either written by a complete Neanderthal, shot by one or edited together by one.

This is grade school homework on film by the village idiot society. You can not... under any circumstances convince me that the same director did CHARIOTS OF FIRE and this film.

There is no dramatic arc to the film. No narrative structure. No growth by any characters. Every tragedy is telegraphed by a TUBA. It is a film of sub-plots that never amount to anything.

Wife and Husband fighting. Result. None.

Son and Native friend. Result. None.

Mother vs Daughter. Result. None.

Basinger and Tribal boss. Result. None.

Then there are the characters and developments that... just suddenly appear, like the son’s fascination with snakes. Or his mysterious, where the hell did the girlfriend come from part.

Oh... did I mention the Narration? No? Oh dear God, there’s the narration... as if written by Edward D Wood Jr, minus the dated camp humor. There are scenes after scenes of roving African landscape with Kim’s stunning face and a narration talking about... oh... how lonely she is.

But see... I don’t really know who to blame for this one. It’s like a universal nightmare just exploded on screen.

What’s the film about?

In a nutshell, a self-important woman gets kicked in the face by life, while taking no lessons from it.

Vincent Perez? Well, he tries to be Antonio Banderas, but he comes across like a glue sniffer in this film.

At all points, anytime we might possibly fall endanger of seeing a narrative develop, a plane flies in and we get p.o.v. shots of Africa from the air.

Oh.. which brings me to the shitty photography in I DREAMED OF AFRICA.

Now I know... “but those shots are gorgeous, it’s so epic...” BULLSHIT... The camera work is sloppy, the colors muted, the angles bland and locked down. It always feels like a postcard that you can’t move that... was a card you didn’t buy.

They can’t even handle dialogue filming adequately. It’s as if the film was thrown together by first year film students that hadn’t had a production class yet.

The script? Well, I can’t say, I never read it, but as it is perceived by this finished product... It’s non-existent.

This film is boring, dull, tedious, monotonous, un-interesting, ho-hum, tiresome, wearisome, irksome as well as being terrible, awful, dreadful, amateurish, unaccomplished, unprofessional and just plain BLAH!

This felt like a 6 part mini-series made up of 2 hour installments, that was forced to be cut down to 2 and a half hours, but had to tell the whole story.

As bad as they can ever come. Our screening had walk out after walk out. Afterwards I stood outside the theater with a dozen or so folks talking about the stunning display of ineptitude. How does something like this happen? What’s the history on this film? Was it taken away from the director? Was there a script? Was it tested to death? What’s missing? I mean, obviously the second half to every scene in the film, but besides that... Was that by design?

This is the sort of film that makes some people not want to risk seeing movies and paying money. It’s a slap in the face and bad for filmmaking everywhere that it be given a screen to stink up. I met NOONE at the screening that could defend an iota of the film. Unequivocally, this film sleeps with the fishes.