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Hurts So Good - SAMURAI COP

 

Having handled my column of cinematic atrocities over the past few years, I’ve come across some truly peculiar films. From flicks like THE GINGERDEAD MAN to THANKSKILLING, there has been no shortage of shit-nema out there, but I think I may have finally run into the holy grail of horrible. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, SAMURAI COPS.

In his first – and apparently only – role ever, Matt Hannon stars as the Japanese-trained officer of the law, Joe “Samurai” Marshall. While looking completely like a pot smoking California surfer guy, the movie attempts to sell you on his martial arts bravado and his smooth talking ladies man demeanor, something that never truly comes to pass. Buddying up with the wisecracking, African-American, comic relief racial stereotype embracing Frank Washington (Mark Frazer), the two set out to take down a steadily emerging Los Angeles based Japanese crime syndicate, the Kitana. Led by Mr. Fujiyama (Joselito Recober) and his right hand man, an evil Japanese samurai named Yamashita, strangely played by American/Lithuanian Robert “The Face” Z’Dar of MANIAC COP fame, their organization is trying to become the big dogs on the west coast, a feat of high proportions considering that their army consists of a small ensemble of misfit henchmen whose characterizations in the film are severely underdeveloped, as they seemingly serve no purpose other than to fall victim to our dynamic duo.

Well I take that back. They threw in the famed 80s redheaded porn star Krista Lane to both add to the nudity/sex scene count (which is quite abundant) and to ensure that all the bad guys are constantly conscious of when, “THE BOSS IS COMING!”

Now where the film heads south is… everywhere. One of the first things that comes to mind is the horrible script that basically has these amateur non-actors reading the most horrendous lines of dialogue known to the world, including stuff like…

 

YAMASHITA

I will bring you his head and place it on your piano!

 

Or...

 

FRANK

The chief’s gonna burn my ass.

JOE

Yeah he’s going to burn it, charcoal black.

FRANK

It is black.

JOE

(High fives Frank)
Right on!

 

Trust me, this isn’t the worst of it, as a great deal requires more context, but just think of an entire film filled with nonsensical quips and one-liners, and you’ll have somewhat of an idea as to what’s going down.

Furthermore, as if the dialogue itself wasn’t so ineloquently written, the audio itself is severely flawed. I’m thoroughly convinced that the film was shot completely silent and that every sound you hear consists of horrendously bad post dubbed voice recordings and even worse foley work. When watching the film, you get the feeling that this was a foreign language martial arts movie that had been dubbed into English, only you can visibly see that there was never any other language involved. While it might be disconcerting at times, it ultimately adds to the laughs when those few scenes come around where everything is severely out of sync and the visible mouth movements trail the audible words by several seconds.

              

Now, I know many of you are always wondering, “What about the nudity? Where’s the T&A?” What I can tell you is that, while it isn’t your typical fare of DD’s bouncing all over the screen at every opportune moment, the movie does have its fair share beautiful women who don their birthday suits with class and style. Along with the aforementioned Krista Lane of DEEP THROAT II fame, they’ve brought along scream queen, Melissa Moore as a scandalous officer of the law, and  “all-American girl,” Jannis Farley as the woman who steals our playboy Samurai’s heart. With this trio of women, each being sexy in their own right, know that you’re going to get a nice treat for your eyes as you enjoy this train wreck of crap cinema.

Despite everything I’ve already said, I could still segue into how there is an abhorrent absence of establishing shots, where the majority of the scenes starts right in the middle of the action with nothing to give you a sense of where you are or what is about to transpire. I could bring up how all the action sequences seem to have been shot with the actors/vehicles moving in slow motion, only to be sped up in post to truly bring them “to life,” a phenomena that lead to the actions in the forefront appearing to be at a normal speed, but all action in the background happening at hyper pace. Hell, I could even talk about how the movie has some of the worst editing I’d ever seen, with the total disregard of the rules of cutting film leading to an incessant amount of jump cuts and a scarcity of match cuts. I could go on and on and on about this that and the third, but what it all means is that from all standards of filmmaking, the movie sucks…

REAL BAD.

And you’ll love every second of it.

                    

Culminating in one of the most “magnificent” final fight scenes (strangely enough the only one that has any semblance of a samurai battle in the entire movie), SAMURAI COP was definitely trying to capture the feel of LETHAL WEAPON while adding a bit of that martial arts element that was popular in the 80s, but tremendously fell short in almost every determinate cinematic category. Sadly - or rather, luckily - nobody involved in the film seemed to have any idea what they were doing and somehow their inabilities allowed for this all the amazingness that this film exudes. Short of a few exceptions, the stars of this flick were pretty much done for as far as their acting careers were concerned. I think I heard that our star, Matt Hannon became a bodyguard for action-star Sly Stallone, and a couple went on to do a few more super low budget b-movies. From their performances in SAMURAI COP, it isn’t hard to understand why.

Yet and still, I suggest you do yourself a favor and subpoena SAMURAI COP from your local DVD retailer/rental house. Go in knowing that it might be amongst the worst films ever released to market, but therein lies every reason why its so god damn fun to watch. Enjoy.

 

Deuces.

-Jon Doe

Follow me on Twitter.

Readers Talkback
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  • June 14, 2012, 1:42 p.m. CST

    FOIST!!!!!!

    by Valenni

    I think...

  • June 14, 2012, 1:42 p.m. CST

    TOP 3 EASY!!!

    by JMG84

    I have to recommend the movie Things. Samurai Cop, Things, Troll 2, The Room and Birdemic are the holy grail of terrible movies. No one ever listens to me, but Things is a masterpiece. http://www.amazon.com/Things-Barry-J-Gillis/dp/B0052G4P26/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1339699327&sr=1-1

  • June 14, 2012, 1:43 p.m. CST

    First posters suck!!

    by Valenni

    Yeah, like, I hate them!!

  • June 14, 2012, 1:59 p.m. CST

    Robert Z'dar = Guaranteed Asses in Seats!

    by Jacob Underhill

    and Guaranteed tears of laughter.

  • June 14, 2012, 2 p.m. CST

    Toe tag, you're it!

    by Stereotypical Evil Archer

  • June 14, 2012, 2:08 p.m. CST

    Ummm...

    by ShogunMaster

    "Yet and still, I suggest you do yourself a favor and subpoena SAMURAI COP from your local DVD retailer/rental house." What year do you think this is? No one sells/rents dvds anymore. Found it on isohunt .com though for those of liberal ethics...

  • June 14, 2012, 2:18 p.m. CST

    WHAT??? Not one BELUSHI joke?

    by Yotz Von Frelnik

  • June 14, 2012, 2:20 p.m. CST

    andtomedus cyborg cop

    by Creative

  • June 14, 2012, 2:21 p.m. CST

    This clip basically tells you everything

    by Scorchy

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6gk04xzN3U Wowzers.

  • June 14, 2012, 2:21 p.m. CST

    andtomedus cyborg cop

    by Creative

  • June 14, 2012, 2:22 p.m. CST

    In that first picture.....

    by TheGr81SLASH

    He looks like he should be in a Pantene shampoo commercial. Or was that Head and Shoulders?

  • June 14, 2012, 2:23 p.m. CST

    @scorchy

    by Marcus Thomas

    true story.

  • June 14, 2012, 2:24 p.m. CST

    You have the right to remain silent.... FOREVER!

    by Tom Fremgen

    Seriously, how'd they miss that!

  • June 14, 2012, 2:24 p.m. CST

    You MUST do a Hurts So Good on Mutant Chronicles!!

    by Big_Daddy_Nero

    Yes! I am sure nobody saw it, I can't believe *I* saw it, but I did, and it is without a doubt the WORST MOVIE IN CINEMA HISTORY: MUTANT CHRONICLES John Doe, PLEASE give us an in-depth investigative report on this movie, and maybe just how the heck it ever got made. My 2-cent bet is that most of the footage must have been shot as cut-scenes for some video game which got canceled, and someone decided, what the heck, we have this stuff, let's shoot a few more scenes and we can make some $$$ But yes, please do it!

  • June 14, 2012, 2:45 p.m. CST

    Get the Dvd with Joe Bob Briggs COmmentary

    by MST3KPIMP

  • June 14, 2012, 2:50 p.m. CST

    But is it better than Six-String Samurai?

    by Tikidonkeypunch

  • June 14, 2012, 2:56 p.m. CST

    early model work for john hamm as the severed head

    by Mysterious_Volvo

  • June 14, 2012, 2:59 p.m. CST

    This is a sequel

    by PlayerHater_of_the_year

    or at least spiritual successor to Hollywood Cop. Equaly terrible and awesome all at once and from the same middle eastern director.

  • It has every textbook mistake. Crossing the line. No colour matching. Eyelines. Framing. etc etc...

  • June 14, 2012, 3:19 p.m. CST

    Steve Carell looks odd with long hair in the first pic

    by art123guy

  • June 14, 2012, 4:21 p.m. CST

    Why don't you post a link to the youtube video of the end "battle?"

    by gamedeveloper

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46aedmsU5Fw Jeez...

  • June 14, 2012, 4:24 p.m. CST

    I proudly own this horribly hilarious flick on DVD.

    by Kevin D

    It's one of my top 5 bad movies of all time.

  • June 14, 2012, 4:43 p.m. CST

    Mr. Plinkett does a "review of this"

    by JediRob

    http://redlettermedia.com/half-in-the-bag/your-highness-and-samurai-cop/

  • June 14, 2012, 5:02 p.m. CST

    Z'dar looks almost normal with a beard...

    by adeceasedfan

    Almost.

  • June 14, 2012, 5:16 p.m. CST

    maybe my favorite scene...

    by Greg

    was the one where our hero is chasing a bad guy around a block and there's a dog inside a fence and he starts running after both of them, like he's chasing a car. I think that's what happened. I get confused. Further investigation would require me to rewatch the movie, and I'm not sure I'm up for it right now.

  • June 14, 2012, 6:54 p.m. CST

    Ninja Paramedic!

    by jellypop

    That would be worth watching!

  • ...guess I was wrong.

  • June 14, 2012, 11:07 p.m. CST

    "Now, I'm telling these son of a bitches...."

    by Mission Code Z

    Matt Hannon, bring it!

  • June 15, 2012, 12:26 a.m. CST

    No idea Andromedus but you've peaked my curiosity

    by MrMajestic

    Actually this is gonna bother me since I've probably seen 95% of all American martial art movies but not this one. And no killer-instinct I don't believe that this movie is Cyborg Cop. First of all CC stars David Bradley and secondly he's neither an Asian dude nor a martial artist. Man watching Bradley and Michael Dudikoff in those American Ninja movies trying to do martial arts was painful.

  • June 15, 2012, 4:06 a.m. CST

    Matt Hannon bonanza

    by penbow

    This movie is damn funny but it is not Matt Hannons only role!, i have a B-movie club and this one was very popular!. Matt Hannon did another movie called America n revenge and it was another low water mark! very funny! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0495798/ If you want a true lowgrade b-movie you have to check out Death promise (pay-off time) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0165214/ A karate movie thats so damn funny and badly made that it almost kills plan 9 from outer space in awfulness. I have seen it over 20 times and its a favourite in the club. Another truly funny badass b-movie is Rocknroll nightmare! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093873/ This one has a dildoesque evil thing salivating into a can of coca cola that has to be seen to be believed. A very funny movie with a real rockstar that tries to hard and the whole movie is a trailer for his music. Pure b-delight /Penbow

  • June 15, 2012, 9:21 a.m. CST

    Love the part where

    by xbagboy

    in the middle of a shootout they just cut to a sex scene. This movie is so ridiculous. Love it.

  • June 15, 2012, 9:45 a.m. CST

    Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

    by solitaire

    GOD-Dammit, Z'Dar is NOT ALLOWED to grow a beard! A mustache or a full fu, fine, but a beard is not allowed! That man's monolithic jaw is his claim to fame!

  • June 15, 2012, 10:23 a.m. CST

    ive listened to you, jmg84

    by dacanesta

    so i hope youre right! I know how it is to recommend gold and it fall on deaf ears so i will listen to your random voice and find this movie. It had better be good! (ie: bad)

  • June 15, 2012, 11:25 a.m. CST

    OMG, dacanesta!!

    by JMG84

    Thanks for listening. I learned about Things from a random person on a board like this as well and was literally speechless throughout my first viewing. I've showed it to like-minded individuals since who were equally floored. I consider myself a connoisseur of bad movies and like I said, Things is either better or equal (at the very least) to Samurai Cop, Troll 2, Hard Rock Zombies, Birdemic and The Room; trying to avoid hyperbole, but I personally feel Things is the best bad movie. Please post back here what you thought of the movie. Enjoy!

  • June 15, 2012, 11:49 a.m. CST

    jmg84....ill need time, unfortunately

    by dacanesta

    coz i looked 'you know where', and 1. Its obviously a very random movie and so is hard to find 'you know where', and 2. Its title brings up MANY 'things' 'you know where'. And im in Japan so......i dont know! I guess international purchase and delivery......CHRIST! It had REALLY better be good!!!! Yeah, when i was young i used to watch all the films that got 1 star in national magazine. Of your list ive only seen Troll 2 and The Room, and will soon see Birdemic. The Room is the ultimate for me and I got a bit obsessed with it, but dying for some new ones to spring on my brother who equally likes quality crap. Anyway, if i sort this out within the week ill post here!

  • June 15, 2012, 12:08 p.m. CST

    dacanesta,

    by JMG84

    You and your brother would love Samurai Cop, Things and Birdemic if you enjoyed Troll 2 and The Room. No hurry. Enjoy!

  • June 18, 2012, 4:21 p.m. CST

    The whole movie is on you tube

    by The All Knowing

    Just watched it and loved it. If you like this kind of bad film don't forget the howling 7, classic.