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Moriarty's ME, MYSELF, & IRENE Review, and A Rebuttal To All Knowles' Lies!!

Hey, Everyone. "Moriarty" here. Why is it that Knowles feels compelled to slander me over and over on this page? After all the fine hospitality he was shown at the Moriarty Labs Spa and Resort, why must he lie mercilessly to you, the unsuspecting public? Yes, it's true we used the Time Machine, but that's about all he got right. Let me lay some facts on you, just for the record.

First of all, if Knowles had attempted to search the Labs, the security systems would have flayed the poor bastard. He begged me to use the Time Machine when he realized we'd missed the ME, MYSELF & IRENE screening. Really. It was pathetic. He cried and jumped up and down and threatened to run with scissors if I didn't help him travel back in time. I tried to patiently explain that several people have actually had their hearts explode during the process, and I didn't think that I could, in good faith, subject him to it. He insisted, though. He had to see the film. When I finally brought out the Machine (not a beanbag… what sort of classless monster does he think I am?!), he started to get nervous. Most people do when they realize there's a catheter involved. He refused to back off, though. I think by then it was a point of pride. So I set it for both of us to go, the logistics of which were difficult enough, and we traveled back to the morning of that particular Thursday. I've tried to explain the sensation before, and the best I can come up with is it's like having the entire Rockettes squad kick you in the balls at once. You can't even cry. Sound is not an option. It passes, though, after a few days, so I told him to stop cursing God and get up.

He was telling the truth about the Rick Baker part. I think this guy's a genius. Not only did he manage to make Harry look like the ugliest woman of all time, but he managed to make me look like an average late 20s fanboy with a goatee, shaggy hair, and glasses. The preposterous nature of the outfits made us both laugh. When we were in line for the actual screening in Orange County, we dealt directly with all the fine people at NRG, and not one of them recognized us despite all the surveillance photos they've had taken. It was glorious. Once inside, Knowles made himself comfortable, a process I wish I could scour from my memory, and we settled in to see the newest piece of comic mania from The Farrellly Brothers.

I think these guys are taking the exact opposite career arc from the Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker team, starting modestly and building instead of peaking early and beating a comic model to death. In the case of ZAZ, I really love KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE (particularly A FISTFUL OF YEN, the Bruce Lee parody), AIRPLANE!, and the film I consider their masterwork, TOP SECRET! From there on, though, the law of diminishing returns seems to have kicked in. It was only when they finally abandoned the parody form that they were able to reestablish themselves as filmmakers. One of the reasons the Farrellys seem to be growing as artists is because they've never tied their brand of mania to specific pop culture parody. Instead, they write real movies that just happen to be deranged from start to finish. DUMB AND DUMBER is a sweet little buddy film that works primarily because of chemistry. KINGPIN is a pretty great little film that has an amazing cast and seemed to be them testing the waters to see how outrageous they could be. THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY is, in my opinion, comic bliss. To somehow convince America that a romantic comedy about stalking was not just a good thing but a GREAT thing… well, folks, that's genius of some sort.

Now they've done it again, crafting their finest film with ME, MYSELF, & IRENE. They've managed to stake out their claim on this particular blend of heartfelt character work and insane outrageous scatological comedy. It's not for everyone… especially in a world where people seem to be increasingly thin-skinned about comic targets… but it makes me laugh consistently. This time out, we're dealing with the story of a great guy named Charlie, played by Jim Carrey. He's a simple guy who wants only a few things in his modest life. He wants to be married to the perfect girl, played in the film's opening by Traylor Howard, and he wants to be a great police officer for the "finest law enforcement agency in the world, the Rhode Island Highway Patrol." His marriage goes south within minutes of him tying the knot when he gets into a hysterical fight with the limo driver on his honeymoon, a vertically challenged African-American who gets outraged when Charlie asks if "you people" take checks. When Charlie's wife tries to soothe the ruffled feathers of Shante, the driver, she learns that he's a MENSA member, just like her. Sparks fly and we cut to the delivery room where Charlie's three beautiful baby boys are born. Actually, that should read "Charlie's three beautiful black baby boys," a fact that seems to bother everyone but Charlie. It doesn't matter how many people bring up his sons' "year round tans," Charlie loves them dearly. Even when his wife runs off with Shante, he remains a devoted and giving father. His sons grow up into three rowdy young actors who are one of the film's secret weapons. They steal scene after scene they're in, and I would hope we see these characters again in a showcase for their particular talents. They're that funny.

The pressure from all this takes its toll on poor Charlie, though. Everyone in town treats him like a doormat, whether it be friends who refuse to treat his warnings about illegal parking seriously or children who don't listen to him because their daddies say he's a joke. One day, Charlie simply snaps, and a second personality pushes its way forward, an aggressive monster named Hank who gives voice to all the things that Charlie never could. When I originally read the script for M, M & I, I was afraid that Carrey would deliver something here that would play like a riff off THE MASK or even Tony Clifton from MAN ON THE MOON. Instead, he's created another indelible comic character. Hank is disgusting, but he's also vulnerable. He's abrasive, but there's truth in a lot of what he says. He's morally bankrupt, but he's the only way Charlie can survive. It's smart stuff, played on the basest of levels. When Hank and Charlie literally begin to battle for control of the body they occupy, prepare yourself for the most astonishing sustained piece of physical comedy since Steve Martin's performance in ALL OF ME. Jim has never starred in an R-rated comedy before, so it's refreshing to see him cut loose and do all the truly perverse things he's never been allowed to do before. He also brings the experience he's gained over the last few films to the table, though, and he finds the human heart of these characters. There's one painfully funny scene where he's got a broken nose (you'll just have to see it) and he's trying to confess some core truths about himself to Irene. As he does, that nose keeps whistling at the most inopportune moments. As much as it made me giggle the first time, it had me weeping helplessly by the end. It's the juxtaposition of this serious, even touching moment with this insane sound, this reminder of earlier abuse, that just about killed me.

The Farrellys seem to have a particular ability to build a comic scene for maximum effect. The trailer that IGN Movies posted a few days back was a good indicator of some of the gags, but it can only show bits and pieces. To me, the glory of their films, and this one in particular, is how they torture the audience. They take a joke and give it to you right up front. Big laugh. Then they tweak that joke. Bigger laugh. Then they take the joke and turn it inside out. By now, there's just waves of laughter, that infectious kind that can render whole audiences useless. They just keep working that nerve mercilessly, and then they do the thing that so few comic writers seem capable of these days - they get out at just the right moment. When a scene is over, it's over. The fact that the Farrellys test their films exhaustively is a large part of that magic. They use the testing process the exact right way. They show the film to an audience and they listen to them. I know it seems obvious when written out, but the fact that so many people try to break things down to numbers and questionnaires and focus groups would suggest that it's not the common wisdom it should be.

Renee Zellweger does a great job here. She's got the Jeff Daniels role in the film, a regular actor forced to hold their own opposite a comic force like Carrey. In both cases, it pays off because the actors create real characters who just happen to be stuck in outrageous comic worlds not of their making. Irene Waters is a woman who made a bad relationship choice and just keeps paying the price for the whole film. She has totally different chemistry with Hank and Charlie, and that's a real credit to Zellweger. She's also the butt of some pointed, wicked jokes about that crinkle-faced appeal of hers, that just-ate-a-lemon look that I think is so adorable. She's got to be a damn good sport.

The thing that struck me most about the supporting cast of the film is the way the Farrellys cast unconventional actors in roles that most people would use as throwaways. Not these guys. When a police commissioner shows up late in the film, he's in a wheelchair, and not a single mention is made of it in the movie. They didn't cast him because he was in a wheelchair, and it's certainly not meant to be a joke. They just decided to give someone a role that they would normally never be given. That's the reason that I refuse to believe there's a single mean comic bone between these two guys. They have proven time and time again that they don't marginalize anyone. They have an inclusive world view that's very rare in studio filmmaking. It's easy to dismiss them critically. Comedy always gets less respect than drama. When filmmakers are this consistent about something so subtly important, though, then they must be taken seriously.

I think I should stop talking about the film now. I'm afraid I'll start ruining things for you, and that just wouldn't be fair. Know this, though… this film is going to be a commercial MONSTER when it's released. Audiences are going to go to it over and over again, and it's entirely justified. When it can cost upwards of $30 just to park, get snacks, and take a date to a movie these days, the average filmgoer prays for a film that will deliver every penny's worth of entertainment value, and this is one of those films. I'm glad I finally got to take Harry on a Time Machine trip with me. Yes, we could have gone forward in time and just seen the film upon release, but what fun would that have been? Seeing the test screening was the fun part. I just wish I didn't have to drive to Orange County to do it. I know it's the reason I'm going to pass on Cameron Crowe's UNTITLED this week. Oh, wait… I'm not supposed to know about that, am I? Damn… guess I'm going to have to have Baker make me a new disguise so I can hide from the wrath of Farrell and his bully boys. I'm off to consult with him now. Once I'm feeling safe, I'll bring you that RUMBLINGS I promised. Until then…

"Moriarty" out.

Readers Talkback
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  • March 22, 2000, 5:54 a.m. CST

    the only time they ever touched on offending me...

    by Mole

    i really enjoyed There's Something About Mary, but the bit where Ben Stiller is walking Cameron Diaz home near the beginning and her bro is skipping in the background? That kinda bugged me... the audience was laughing, for no other reason than a mentally disabled fat guy was skipping... I love everything else about this film (and Bill Murray in Kingpin is one of the best comic performances of the 90's), and I thought Matt Dillon saying 'special my ass!' was way amusing, but that one bit... what do you guys think?

  • March 22, 2000, 6:09 a.m. CST

    so Farrelly, so good

    by Bittie

    I think all the Farrellys stuff so far has been top notch out and out comedy. Any problems with people laughing at disabled people for no real reason lies with the audience and not the Farrellys. I don't think the guy skipping in Something about Mary was supposed to be funny, but if it is realistic why hide it. I'd don't think I'll ever look at trouser zippers the same again though, I'm extra careful now, big time.

  • March 22, 2000, 6:10 a.m. CST

    12 Monkeys

    by Mole

    Ok, this is in no way related to the topic of this talkback, but I can't keep it in any longer. End of 12 Monkeys. Woman from future is on plan, 'I'm in Insurance' she says. I just read yet another review that says that 'when you realise why she's there' it's amazing, a great twist, etc. Why is this a great twist? Am I missing something? She just came along from the futrue to make sure everything worked out, surely? I can't see what the twist is with that line, or her presence. Told you it was unrelated... CYL

  • March 22, 2000, 6:45 a.m. CST

    Top Secret !

    by Lethal Waffle

    Moriarty, thank you !! At last someone who thinks "Top Secret !" is the best ZAZ film...

  • March 22, 2000, 6:50 a.m. CST

    Top Secret - hang on

    by Bittie

    If its the one I think it is, fair enough - it is genius stuff. But doesn't it have Val Kilmer in it? I hate that twat, and he ruins every film hes in.

  • March 22, 2000, 7:32 a.m. CST

    Top Secret and Val

    by Lethal Waffle

    Yes... "Top Secret" is THAT movie with Val Kilmer as a rock star travelling in Germany... Let's be honest : Val is quite good in that one... (he was not famous then). And let's be honest again, I don't like him too much either but he was excellent in "The Doors"...

  • March 22, 2000, 7:45 a.m. CST


    by jak flash 2000

    Thery are good directors. Dumb and Dumber was by far the funniest movie i have ever seen next to planes trains and automobiles. What do you people think?

  • March 22, 2000, 8:01 a.m. CST

    The recent comedy crop

    by Mole

    Best two straight-out comedies of last year: Election and Rushmore. Malkovich too, if that's a comedy... American Pie was fun enough, but I think way overrated... someone recommended it to me on the basis is was 'like Something About Mary, only even more so!' WTF? But I am looking forward to this: it is the only comedy featuring big on my radar. I am SO tired of spoofs. Mystery Men was fun, but not what it could have been... this 'Scary Movie' thing.... jeez, like a Leslie Neilsen film with extra cum gags. No more spoofs! Proper comedy, based on character and situation! I think that's why the F-brothers are so successful. Yes, they gross-out, and that's a factor, but ultimately it's because they have proper characters, a proper plot, and DON'T SPOOF STUFF!

  • March 22, 2000, 8:39 a.m. CST

    Hey meeeester, you forgot your phoney dog poo....

    by StuEdwards

    ...what phoney dog poo? Genius. Nuff said.

  • March 22, 2000, 8:59 a.m. CST

    Kentucky Fried Movie

    by SamIAm

    Thanks, Moriarty, for reminding me about KFM. What a funny movie! As you said, the "Fistful of Yen" segment was hilarious. I love the part were the Bruce Lee character keeps distroying the huge henchman, only to have him get up again and again. Finally he crushes him with a transmition. Classic.... or am I remembering things through a tinted veil?

  • March 22, 2000, 9:24 a.m. CST

    "What Does Nigel Want Us To Do Now?"

    by mrbeaks

    "Nothing you idiot, Nigel is the traitor!" God, I love TOP SECRET! I'm gonna be quoting that movie all day. "This is not Mel Torme." BTW, I think the first NAKED GUN was a great late entry in the ZAZ oeuvre before they began to fade.

  • March 22, 2000, 10:09 a.m. CST

    Yeah, Kentucky Fried Movie

    by CaptainRansom

    I enjoyed the passage with the material that comes from Uranus. Yeah, I almost pissed on me...

  • March 22, 2000, 10:12 a.m. CST

    I know a little German...

    by All Thumbs

    Yes, "Top Secret" is my favorite ZAZ movie as well. I love to watch that scene in the "Swedish Bookshop" and try to figure out exactly how they did it. I know they just ran everything backward, but it's just fun to watch it and think about each step they had to take. Thanks for recognizing this great piece of comedy, Moriarty.***And Harry is saying you go out with ugly women...I think you better let your Henchmen loose on him!

  • March 22, 2000, 10:54 a.m. CST

    Top Secret

    by guyuuk!

    "Do you know any good white basketball players?"-"There are no good white basketball players." "Who do you favor in the Virginia Slims tournament?"*** Somebody give me the response!

  • March 22, 2000, 10:59 a.m. CST

    The Rebuttal...

    by The Fat Baldwin

    "...I always bet against the heterosexual." FB out.

  • March 22, 2000, 11 a.m. CST

    "In Women's Tennis.....

    by mrbeaks

    "..... I always bet on the non-heterosexual." "Driver, this isn't the Howard Johnson's!"

  • March 22, 2000, 11:10 a.m. CST



    Top secret was a COOL MOVIE indeed and val kilmer played his character note perfect. He's one of the few actor's around that can deliver an outstanding performance even when all around him is DOG-SHIT. I remember watching 'The Saint' and being blown away by each character val become, each one had their own characteristic's and facial ticks, considering the film was slow-moving and completely without worth, this was a shame as his performance demanded excellence from all. Perhaps why that's why he's considered such a 'punk' by directors, he'll remind them what hack's they are at their given career compared to his genius. Fuck what directors like joel schumacher and john frankenhiemer have to say, those guys are tired old hacks who make anal movies. Having just watched 'MY BEST FIEND' about the relationship between werner hertzog and klaus kinski, director and star should be at loggerheads with each other if nothing else but to challenge themselves creatively to their limits. Unfortunately, Val hasn't found his other half. Anyway, look out for RED PLANET, from what i've learn't WARNER BROS believe they've got a Monster on their hands, that rare breed of a intelligent and artistic piece of cinema.

  • March 22, 2000, 11:12 a.m. CST

    farrelly's mary

    by mirv

    does anybody else out there think there's something about mary is incredibly overrated and, except for the great jonathan richman score, has about four good laughs in it? kingpin is so much funnier!

  • March 22, 2000, 11:14 a.m. CST

    THE DAN!!!!!!

    by agentcooper

    ...Harry and Moriarty made no mention of the fact that the soundtrack to Me, Myself, and Irene will be made up entirely of Steely Dan covers. I forget most of the artists covering the tunes...I do know that Ben Folds Five is doing "Parker's Band." Other tunes being covered: "Bodhisattva," "Razor Boy," and "Through With Buzz." I hope that we actually get to hear some Dan classics (not covers) on the soundtrack as well. Those of you not familiar with Steely Dan really need to check them out. Walter Becker and Donald Fagen are consumate musicians who write amazingly catchy songs with the most subversive and ironic lyrics you'll ever hear. Their new album, Two Against Nature, their first studio recording in twenty years, picks up right where they left off. They are immune to trends and fads, and the disc has not left my CD player since I purchased it three weeks ago. In a bleak musical landscape populated by teen bubblegum acts and "artists" who make money by talking over other people's hits, Steely Dan makes a stand for smart, insightful songwriting and brilliant production. Long live the DAN!!!!!!

  • March 22, 2000, 11:27 a.m. CST

    What's my name?


    Should premature ejaculation occur the Joy of Sex album comes equipped with BIG JIM SLADE. Big Jim, former tight-end for the Kansas City Chiefs is outfitted with various whips, chains, and a sexual appetite that will knock your socks off. Big Jim has satisfied women throughout the world, and the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln.

  • March 22, 2000, 11:35 a.m. CST

    12 Monkeys ?

    by Vuittonkid

    I thought as well that the woman on the plane was a younger version of herself , until Terry Gilliam himself said on 'The Hamster Factor' ( a documentary on the making of 12 Monkeys ) that she is from the future , sent back to prevent the virus from spreading.

  • March 22, 2000, 11:40 a.m. CST

    more Top Secret and KFM fun

    by guyuuk!

    "I've tried and tried, Nick. But I just can't bring my wife to orgasm."********* "You will cream in your jeans when you see..."

  • March 22, 2000, 11:45 a.m. CST

    "Well Have You Tried This?"

    by mrbeaks

    As for your KFM quote..... "More offensive than MANDINGO. More shocking than BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR. More erotic than DEEP THROAT. You will cream in your jeans when you see CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS IN TROUBLE." "Never before has the sexual act been so crassly perverted."

  • March 22, 2000, 11:47 a.m. CST

    12 Monkeys

    by Navin_Johnson

    ...but didn't she say earlier in the film that she didn't want to prevent the plague, just learn how to innoculate against it? And wouldn't she have been fatally exposed by interacting with the bad guy after he had opened one of the vials (at customs)? This bit has always bothered me about 12m.

  • March 22, 2000, 12:03 p.m. CST

    even more fun with...

    by guyuuk!

    (scene on the train)"What did you say to him Nick?"******** "Please give generously when death knocks at your door."

  • March 22, 2000, 12:05 p.m. CST

    12 Monkeys + 5 years...

    by Powerslave

    You're still troubled over the end of this movie after all this time? You need to get out more...

  • March 22, 2000, 12:19 p.m. CST

    Mary vs. Kingpin

    by SCOTT1458

    IMHO, Kingpin is better by a longshot, over TSAM. I know quite a few Amish, and amish jokes always make me bust my gut. Plus the scenes in Reno with Murray are just pricless. In addition, my mother is going to Reno for that same tournament in Mary was a good funny movie, which had it parts, and my hero Bret Favre. Kingpin though, is a little more darker. Although the scene in Mary where Dillion tells her he loves working with "tards" is hillarious. Her jaw drops so far....

  • March 22, 2000, 12:23 p.m. CST

    12 Monkeys + 5 years

    by Navin_Johnson

    Oh. Sorry. I thought this was a place where one might discuss little film tidbits with other similarly obsessed people who might tend to find them interesting. You'd prefer a chat about the weather instead? (and if I can be allowed to argue in the alternative, please also take a year or so off the top to account for waiting for the video release. Although I'd probably still make the same comment next year, so maybe not.)

  • March 22, 2000, 12:25 p.m. CST

    I know. It all sounds like a bad movie.

    by All Thumbs

    "My name is Hillary. It means 'she whose bosoms defy gravity.'"***"Nick?" "My father thought it up while shaving."***This is fun!

  • March 22, 2000, 12:53 p.m. CST

    Random thoughts...

    by theUGLY

    While SOMETHING/MARY had numerous flaws(Brett Farve?!?), KINGPIN was just about perfect. Funny funny movie.... Val Kilmer is one of the most underrated actors of our time. Go rent/watch TOMBSTONE, REAL GENIUS, and THE DOORS. The charecters are so completely different, it's like watching 3 different actors...TOP SECRET! was funny as hell. I just felt that, even then, the Nazi movie was played out. Boy, was I wrong.

  • March 22, 2000, 1:05 p.m. CST

    yet even more fun with...

    by guyuuk!

    "I told him I put him on the Montgomery Ward's mailing list"*******"What's our little schizo(?) up to today?" "She's frying the cat in pure Nesson oil" I CAN'T STOP!

  • March 22, 2000, 1:23 p.m. CST

    That Would Be.....

    by mrbeaks

    ..... "what's our little skeptic up to today?" "You've got to hand it to the Germans. They make great cars!" "What was that? This is not a chawade. We need *total concentwation*. Now, twy it again..... this time, with *feewing*.

  • March 22, 2000, 1:29 p.m. CST


    by JetAlone

    So how much is Steely Dan's record company paying you?

  • March 22, 2000, 1:33 p.m. CST

    I'll take the ZAZ combo over the Farrellys any day

    by Fatal Discharge

    Although I admit the NAKED GUN sequels just rework the formula (but they were directed by someone else), there are more laughs per minute in a ZAZ film (AIRPLANE, TOP SECRET, THE NAKED GUN, and another classic RUTHLESS PEOPLE which no-one has mentioned) than any Farrelly pic. MARY was so overrated and KINGPIN was their weakest film. The problem with relying on gross-out or shock humor is that it doesn't stand up to repeated viewings in my opinion.

  • March 22, 2000, 1:36 p.m. CST

    Hey, Lay Off Coop!

    by mrbeaks

    He's just one of many Steely Dan enthusiasts (myself included) out there. An all Dan soundtrack, even if some are covers, *is* something to get excited about.

  • March 22, 2000, 1:43 p.m. CST

    Top Secret quotes

    by BigPossum

    "Is this the potato farm?" "Yes, I am Albear Potato" "Life is full of little miseries..."

  • March 22, 2000, 1:52 p.m. CST

    12 Monkeys

    by Gordon Shumway

    Maybe the irony was that she said she was in "insurance." Meaning that she was there to provide insurance for the human race by getting the virus in its pure form.

  • March 22, 2000, 2:25 p.m. CST

    jetalone/mrbreaks re: payment...

    by agentcooper

    Jet, man, if their record company was compensating me in any way, chances are very good that I would not be writing to you from the marginally boring job which I now hold. I'm just happy W&D are recording together again, and it sounds as if mrbreaks is, as well. It will be interesting to hear other artists interpret their work, although I doubt very seriously that any of the covers will come close to the brilliance of the originals. By the way, this movie sounds hilarious. I can't wait to see it. Regretably, I have nothing to add to the Top Secret quotes thread, but I do enjoy all movies in which Kilmer does a bad Elvis impersonation. "Always liked you Clarence. Always have, always will..."

  • March 22, 2000, 2:26 p.m. CST

    These aren't really chocolate chips are they?

    by Astro Pud

    If you're going to lie to me, you lie to me with respect. What is it? Is it my shoes? Is it my haircut? Got a problem with my haircut? Don't you ever lie to me like I'm Montel Williams. I am not Montel Williams. I am not Montel Williams!

  • March 22, 2000, 2:38 p.m. CST


    by Isidore

    I just want to thank the people who mentioned these movies in their related tb's. Ruthless People I love that film, and even though it is being played to death on cable now I still can't turn it off. It was only recently that I even knew it was a ZAZ movie. When I saw the credits it all made sense. Plus it is one of the few LA movies where you get to see LA. OK enough on that. Next I want to thank the person who mentioned Real Genius. This was the movie that made me a fan of Val's. He made the movie work. Sadly he has done very little that is even close to this. Oh well. Now the best line in Top Secret! (Partially stated already) "Look I'm not the first boy who's met a girl in a restaurant who's father is a captured German scientist, only to lose her to a former childhood lover she had last seen on a deserted island and who, 15 years later, turned out to be the leader of the French underground." "I know, I know! It all sounds like some bad movie!" Sorry if I screwed up the line, but that WAS off the top of my head.

  • March 22, 2000, 2:53 p.m. CST

    Jim in a successful R movie?

    by TommyGunn

    Jim Carrey hasnt made a successful R movie, I don't think they can make a comedy with him in it R.

  • March 22, 2000, 3:08 p.m. CST

    montag606/Ruthless People

    by agentcooper

    Actually, 2vN was released on Feb 29. That's three weeks according to my calender. And it's great. Get it if you haven't already...Ruthless People is one of the funniest films I've ever seen. One of Bill Pullman's finest performances, as the Miami Vice Loving Goldfish Lover. "Oh no! Crockett and Tubbs are floating!" "This may well be the stupidest man alive. Perhaps we should shoot him." Anybody know what Helen Slater has been doing lately? She kinda disappeared.

  • March 22, 2000, 3:19 p.m. CST

    Moriarty, are you carzy!!

    by Flmlvr

    Please, don't pass up the chance to see "Untitled". I know the drive to Orange County sux from LA...but damn, isn't Crowe worth it?? The film has got to be great. Drive...damn you...DRIVE.

  • March 22, 2000, 3:26 p.m. CST

    Astro Pud's new thread;lots more w/TS & KFM

    by guyuuk!

    Holy shit! In the middle of all this, a fucking Belzer-ism from "Homicide"! Too funny! Back to business... "Klaus is a moron... who gets all of his information from the New York Post..."******* "The popcorn your eating has been pissed at eleven."

  • March 22, 2000, 3:41 p.m. CST

    Yet more TS

    by Chuin

    The Nazi tying up his motorcycle to the hitch. The Freedom fighters playing darts. "But I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow!" How long did Val Kilmer have to hold his breath during shots of that bar fight? Chocolate Mousse. The Hitler clock. The Big phone.

  • March 22, 2000, 3:49 p.m. CST

    Projectile vomiting?!?!

    by BobBarker

    I'm pretty sure I preferred the mucous eating. What sick bitch animates these things for you, Harry?

  • March 22, 2000, 4:02 p.m. CST

    Moriarty...thanks! suck!

    by Toe Jam

    I would like to thank Moriarty for his great assessment of what looks to be a really great movie (it's a Farrelly Brothers movie, how can it not be?). I looked over Harry's review, if you could call it that, and it constituted less than one-third of the actual post if you take out his goddamned meanderings about jack shit and the numerous talkback posts. I've voiced my displeasure with this shit in several other talkbacks, but it seems as if many people don't agree. Harry, I am begging you...stop with the meaningless bullshit! I want movies, not stupid-ass manure where all the people have "special" code-names and the twisting of everyday shit into super-spy tales. Grow the fuck up!

  • March 22, 2000, 4:53 p.m. CST

    Top Secret/laughing at the retarded

    by Lazarus Long

    Favorite Top Secret moments (among those already mentioned): "This is Deja Vu" "Have we not met before, monsieur?", The Anal Intruder, everything with Omar Shariff, the big eye behind the magnifying glass...*** This was mentioned way at the beginning of the Talk Back, someone mentioned being almost offended by the retarded fat kid in There's Something About Mary. He's not in the movie for the hell of it. He's in the film because the way that retarded people look, talk, and walk makes people laugh. It's that simple. We aren't laughing because we are glad they have the disease, or because we have no sympathy for their situation, but IT IS FUNNY. How often have you made a "retarded voice" when talking to friends. I don't feel wrong or dirty laughing at this material any more than laughing at extremely fat people that are stuck in movies for that effect. If you're going to be PC, be PC across the board. Personally I feel that NOTHING is off-limits, or too serious to be joked about. Obviously there are issues of timing; if you were watching someone get beat do death right in front of you and were laughing your head off you have a problem. But has anyone heard the story of this incident of road rage on the California Freeway where some lady tapped some guy's bumper, and he came over to the side of her car, reached through the open window and grabbed her dog (a Pomeranian), then threw it into oncoming traffic, where it was hit by like 10 cars? Now this guy is a maniac, but there's something FUNNY about that story. Humor is the medicine that helps us deal with and process things.

  • March 22, 2000, 5:21 p.m. CST

    Lazarus, man...

    by agentcooper

    ...There is absolutely nothing funny about that story. To take out your frustrations by killing an animal is simply wrong, and I find the fact that you feel there is something "funny" about it genuinely disturbing. The person who did this horrible thing obviously has severe psychological problems and is in dire need of medical attention. I hope that you meant your post in jest, or that you were only trying to be provocative. I can assure you that the loss of a pet is a painful, traumatic experience, one that I would not wish on anyone.

  • March 22, 2000, 5:40 p.m. CST

    And the Top Secret quotes keep on a-comin'!

    by All Thumbs

    Nigel:"Just shut up and give me the back half."The other guy(can't remember his name): "All right. Be an asshole."***"Doctor Flemmond to Nick: "If they find out you've seen this, your life will be worth less than a truckload of dead rats in a tampon factory."***Damn, I love this movie. Harry needs to show it at the next Butt-numb-a-thon. I think I'm going to go rent it tonight. BTW, does anyone have the words to the Macy's song Nick sings to Hillary?

  • March 22, 2000, 5:54 p.m. CST


    by guyuuk!

    Just when this talkback was looking to be a funny one, the seriousness creeps in...oh well.****"Latrine!" Can't stop thinking about "Driver, this isn't the Howard Johnson's"! NO SHIT!!! I'm definitely watching my laserdisc tonight. And you're ALL INVITED!? I pray there's not a post about "Student Bodies", or this'll get really out of hand!

  • One of my friends reminded me of this one, "Nick, I've taken the liberty of ordering you the '84 Ripple Blonde." Finding middle ground on Lazarus' post..... of course, there's nothing funny about the death of someone's pet, but the bizarre overreaction of the man *is* funny. Again, I invoke Mel Brooks, "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall in a manhole and die."

  • March 22, 2000, 10:47 p.m. CST

    Mel Brooks is right! *reveren!*

    by guyuuk!

    "There is sauerkraut in my leiderhosen". The black train conductor. Damn! I'm gonna have a hard time sleeping after watching this again. And who could forget the guy catching a tree!

  • March 22, 2000, 11:51 p.m. CST

    re. mole and lazarus long laughing at the retarded...

    by tommy five-tone

    to quote butch coolidge: "my name is name is fabiennnnnne..." sweet, affectionate and funny, not hurtful in the slightest. plus val kilmer is a top-shelf actor (he even kicks ass is 'the island of dr moreau' - check out his brabdo impression!), 'top secret' is a piss-funny movie and i always thought the insurance lady at the end of '12 monkeys' was there to stop david morse from spreading the plague by any means necessary.

  • March 23, 2000, 12:44 a.m. CST

    The joys of Top Secret

    by JC74

    I wish they all could be double barrel... Wish they all could be double barrel guns... Hail Hail East Germany Land of Grape and Vine Land where you'll regret any attempt to escape. Oh yeah and what about the East German Women's Olympic Team???

  • March 23, 2000, 1:10 a.m. CST

    I have to agree with Lazarus and Mr. Brooks

    by brush420

    I'm sorry but I can see humor is tragic situations. Its one of the ways you deal with them. Yes, if you were there to see mr. puppy go soaring, laughter would be inappropriate. But I laughed when I read it,its so over the top. I laughed in Braveheart when the king throws the princes lover out the window too. It was so unexpected, and the sound when he hit was good. Maybe I'm a bad person, but I'm happy.

  • March 23, 2000, 2:05 a.m. CST

    I wanna tell ZAZ ...

    by floob

    That I'm not wearing pants right now, and to bring a dozen raw eggs and a miniature poodle!

  • March 23, 2000, 5:39 a.m. CST

    "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"

    by Lazarus Long

    Remember Alan Alda in Woody Allen's Crime & Misdemeanors? "Comedy is Tragedy plus Time". Great equation. Yeah, if you were sitting in the backseat when the dog was thrown into traffic, you probably wouldn't be laughing (okay, maybe if it was the Taco Bell Chiuahua or any poodle). But if you are crying or fuming in anger when hearing that story you must either be a member of PETA or watched your own dog get hit by a car when you were 10 and are forever scarred. Get over it. There is something VERY Farrely Brothers about that story, and just because it's real doesn't make it off limits to laughter. I'm surprised that more people reacted to my comment about the dog dying than my comments about laughing at retarded people. I guess that's not a surprise, people in this country seem to care more about animals than their own kind. Make sure every stray pet finds a home before it's killed, but don't pay any mind to all the people out on the street. Sorry, different topic...

  • March 23, 2000, 6:07 a.m. CST

    Other movies

    by jak flash 2000

    Havent seen KFM or TS. Judging by you people they seem good. Seen twelve monkeys though. Its typical Gilium the film is mental and it doesnt make sense. Quite a good film though. Anyone seen the briliant film documentry The Hamster Factor and Other Tales Of Twelve Monkeys. Its a briliant film. Hunt it down and watch it. By the way before I go. Kingpin is funnier but Mary is slicker (in more ways than one) more polished overall shinier. Prob was it gave all the jokes away in the trailer so when the time came to watch the film there was very little that ammused me. See you all around

  • March 23, 2000, 8:28 a.m. CST

    12 MONKEYS

    by Ah ha!

    You guys (and gals pretending to be guys) have it got it all wrong. That was Bruce Willis in the airport as a little boy, not the woman from the future unleashing the virus on Terry Gilliam in a behind-the-scenes making of documentary. I'm glad that's cleared up.

  • March 23, 2000, 1:13 p.m. CST

    The Macys song. (to the best of my recollection)

    by Isidore

    "Are you lonesome tonight? Is your kitchen a sight? Is you wardrobe all rundown and bare? Is your lipstick all smeared? Are your stocking not unsheared? Do they make you legs show all your hair? Do the tears on your pillow, roll down as you turn? Do they short out the blanket and make the sheets burn? Is you heart filled with pain? Should I come back again? Shop at Macys and love me tonight!" Whew! That was tough. Once again, sorry if there are screw-ups.

  • March 23, 2000, 1:18 p.m. CST

    "Oh, Nick!"

    by mrbeaks

    They kiss. Guitar gets smashed. Cue obligatory fireplace shot.

  • March 23, 2000, 5:47 p.m. CST

    Quotes are a good thing.

    by All Thumbs

    From the reaction of people on this Talk Back, and I know that it's oh so scientific to base something on, I think this site would benefit from an article or a section where Harry, Moriarty and the gang list some of their favorite movie quotes. It would be great reference material. I have a feeling the majority would be from "The Princess Bride," the most quotable movie EVER filmed.***Another fav Top Secret moment: The people shitting on the pigeon statue.

  • March 23, 2000, 9:28 p.m. CST

    It seems like it's up to McKenzieFrenzy to tell you guys the tru

    by McKenzieFrenzy

    Before I start I must say I'm realy dissapointed with you all, I expect more from a bunch of self proclaimed "fan-boys", any way, here it is, the ironic twist to 12 monkeys regarding the woman on the plane: The whole point of the movie is that no-one from the future realy knows anything about the past in detail. This is summed up in the last airoplane scene. The people from the future have no idea that the virus was already released in the airport. Therefore the irony lies in the fact that when the doctor goes back on her mission to get a sample of the pure virus, she unknowingly exposes herself to it. She thinks she is helping humanity "I'm in innsurance", but in reality, when she goes back to the future she will expose and kill the remaining population underground. There thats it, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, (ok it's just my interpretation but I recon its spot on). Oh yeah the best Val film is True Romance, he's just brilliant as "the King" and the best thing is you don't have to see his ugly face for the entire movie.

  • March 24, 2000, 2:11 a.m. CST

    12 monkeys

    by MasterOfPuppets

    At first I was thinking that, since we know the movie is essentially a loop that will be played out over and over (the young Bruce in the airport grows up and yadda yadda), then the old woman being on the plane was just a cool coincidence. Then I figured, well, while that loop is going on, time is still moving along in the future, so perhaps they eventually figure out who the bad guy was from whatever evidence Bruce provided them, and then the woman could be sent back in time and enter the loop. However...why the hell would they send the old woman instead of someone that could actually handle the physical combat that would undoubtedly ensue should they try to take away Mr. Nutty's virus? I don't think that'd make sense, so I'd stick to the cool coincidence theory.

  • March 24, 2000, 5:27 p.m. CST

    car dog and fish

    by Wood-Yi

    A Fish Called Wanda was v good. Why was that girl driving with a dog in her lap anyway?