Folks, I’ve got an untold tale about the last day I spent at the Moriarty Labs Spa & Resorts.

If you recall, one night Moriarty and I decided to go to the DGA to watch a pair of episodes of SOUTH PARK and then listen to the team behind the series (including Matt & Trey) talk about their experiences with the television show and their film.

There is no denying that we had some fun. I’m talking serious fun. For a couple of days we were happy with how that day went. We had gone out drinking with Hercules the Strong. We were princes of Maine and Kings of New England. Except nowhere in that vicinity.

In this time period Moriarty never once received a message via his system of pnuematic tubes. It turns out that Henchman Mongo was using the tubes as a laundry shoot for his zebra-striped Gs. This, of course, gummed up the works till an associate of mine named Tooms was able to stretch down and clear up the tubes.

There were 215 little message containing devices, and it turns out that on that very night. The same night that we saw Matt and Trey... We could have gone to this cheesy theater in Anaheim to see ME, MYSELF AND IRENE... The new Farrelly Brothers film starring Jim Carrey that’ll be coming out this Summer.

This really pissed me off. I LOVE THEIR WORK. I remember watching DUMB AND DUMBER and actually feeling my IQ points drop (it’s why I still use so many ellipses)... I thought KINGPIN would kill my father, it nearly did. And THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY was just... well, if you remember my review... I associated with one of the characters in one of the scenes... Waaaaay too much.

I have had the script forever, but I don’t read comedy scripts (it’s just a thing with me). SO I have been fairly in the dark about this film, and thought at one time that it was the Siamese Twin film that I had heard the brothers were doing.

I started tearing up the Moriarty Labs Spa & Resorts looking for his blasted Time Machine.

Moriarty came in and thought Mongo had eaten too much Kibbles & Bits and went to neuter him, when I told him what was up.

He looked at me, and said, “My dear Mister Knowles, How exactly do you plan to get past security. You’re bloody enormous?”

I already knew. He took me over to his ‘Flower Power Bean Bag’ and told me that it was his Time Machine. The old man then instructed me to touch the aquamarine flower and the goldenrod flower patterns. He then fed me 9 banana jelly beans and said to concentrate on 7a.m. on March 2nd... Thursday. I did what he said, and suddenly, in the flash of an eye, the sun was rising and female joggers in tube tops were jogging on the LCD flat screen windows in the labs spa & resorts.

Instantly, Moriarty appeared.

I asked him, “Dude, I thought you said that was painful?”

And just as he went to answer, I had the urge to pee. The bastard just smiled at me. Passing my sleeping body on the Georgian Bed, I went into the bathroom and....

PAIN does not begin to describe it. I pissed out 9 solid banana jelly beans into his LOO. I passed out twice. Upon recovering, we set out before we accidently meet ourselves and they decide not to go to see Matt and Trey.

Moriarty was constantly bitching about how I’d never get in. I told him... I had a plan.

I called up a fella by the name of Rick Baker. The truth is.... ahem... Well, Rick is now the AICN DISGUISE CREATOR. I went to his new secret studio, and said... Make me Moriarty’s date!

First there was the corset to get my waist size to a 22 inch size. This of course created large breasts and enormous hips. He permed my hair, vaselined my chin and put a fake female chin on. And by the time he was done.... I looked exactly like the dog ugly chick you’d expect Moriarty to have!

The corset hurt like a sonuvawench, but... You go through, that which you go through to get a scoop. I spoke in breathless half sentences. Moriarty was... a bit too... grabby if ya know what I mean.

We headed off for Anaheim and this piss poor cineplex hell hole that NRG moved this screening to (at the last minute) and got in line.

The line stretched on and on and on. And my legs were going numb from the lack of circulation. But I made my way to 4th row center. I was supposed to sign some stupid paper they handed me, but I just flirted with the NRG dweeb, batted my eyes, pressed my phone number in his hand, and while he was gagging, just walked on in. Sometimes it takes a bit more than a jedi mind trick.

There were the usual introductions and warnings about the film not being complete. About temp tracks, some sort of additional footage something or another. I wasn’t really paying attention because when I coughed... I broke a rib. I needed out of the corset.

Moriarty began freaking. “You’ll bring us all done Knowles... wait for the lights!”

Suddenly the lights went out and I let out a big breath and popped every strap in my corset. It was like a morph but grosser. The fella next to me was knocked unconcious by the wave of blubber that hit him, but noone else seemed to notice.

Moriarty looked real real nervous.

ME, MYSELF AND IRENE review....

Folks, this is the best film from the Farrellys yet. Is it funnier than KINGPIN or THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY? Well, that’s subjective, but I’d say it’s right in there. But what I mean by it being their best film is that the narrative and story are genuinely wonderful.

It’s very hard to review a comedy, especially a Farrelly comedy without giving some stuff away, but I’m going to try to do it.

The Chicken Sex Scene with a tad of bondage is fantastic. You’ll remember that one for a very long time, though I can tell you... Right now, this very second... You’ve got the WRONG image in your head.

Sorry, getting ahead of myself there.

The film is about a Rhode Island Motorcycle Cop with a serious bout of schizophrenia. You see, one side of Carrey (Charlie) is a nice sensitive non-commital pussy, and the other side of Carrey (Hank) is this breast-feeding dildo loving aggressive pansy raunchmeister.

Carrey is not pulling a MASK here... nor is he really channeling any of his other characters. His aggressive side is... well, something to behold.

I guess the early seeds of this character would be seen in Matt Dillon’s Pat Healy character, but... that is just a starting point. This character will drag your brain through funny shit so rank that you’ll run home and exhaust your supply of Q-Tips and Lysol.

However, the best part of the whole film. And what makes this movie friggin GREAT, is this.... Charlie (Carrey) has three large Black Men (it is not like Kaufman on Letterman btw) as his sons.

What’s brilliant about them is that while they are black and highly influenced by the humor and language of standup acts like Richard Pryor through Chris Rock.... They are absolute geniuses.

The humor and chemistry with these guys is priceless. It’s a GREAT comedy trio. Everything that The Fat Boys wanted to be, but with a new comedic twist that just had me howling.

I don’t know anything about these guys, there were no credits, but man oh man.... They are going to be hugely popular. 10 to 1, they’ll have either their own television series (boo!) or film franchise (yes! Yes! YES!) to play in for the future. They were pure magic together. Do not separate these guys!

The albino that the fella on COMING ATTRACTIONS said was Chris Elliot... WAS NOT CHRIS ELLIOT. He was a real albino. And that’s a key.

You see, the Farrellys love to bring in unique faces and characters. Large breasted women, the mentally disabled, farm animals, albinos, midgets/dwarfs/little peoples and so on.

They have the good sense to realize that just stuffing a bunch of used to be funny has-been comedians into a film and have them stare wide-eyed at a sight gag... is just plain boring.

However, populating the film in the real world, and completely throwing out ‘politically correctness’, playing with sight gags and raunchiness.... talking about everything from paraplegic love to necrophilia to... whatever it may be... Well... That’s funny.

At one point in the film, they basically turn the Albino character into the penguin in THE WRONG TROUSERS, for all intents and purposes.

Also, when things happen, they don’t pull the punch. They follow through.

One gag with a gun and a hand was so hardcore that I nearly screamed like a man, and thus ruining my disguise.

Renee Zellwegger? She’s adorable and cute and is very good as the dame in the midst. Her explaining to Charlie about a sex issue that gets brought up is friggin hilarious.

This film is riot funny. I missed whole segments of the film because my eyes were teared up and squeezed shut from laughter. Shit, the mascara was even running like a toxic river behind Mr Burns’ power plant.

All I know, is this film is going to play like a mofo all summer long. This is real damn funny, and hell... they’re not even finished with it.

But mark my words... Those three black children/grown men of Jim Carrey’s in this movie... They are going to be stars!