Ain't It Cool News (
Movie News

SHOWEST: Moriarty and Harry survive a strip club... and even NEW LINE's ShoWest Reel Beware... 18 and over recommended

Ahhh, the life of Harry Knowles... the luckiest son of a beeeetch this side of... Well... Moriarty. The following is one of the adventures I've had... in fact, it all began Monday night after the GOAT ON FIRE & SMILING FISH screening. Let me paint the scene for ya.

The ancient one and I had just come out of the Century Theater at the Orleans Casino. The Penguins Caffeinated Peppermints had me vibratingly awake, when suddenly... from out of nowhere came Dusty Bottoms, Lucky Day and Ned Nederlander. Dressed in very strange mariachi wares, they did this strange line dance and said to us that we were to go with them to the O.G.

Moriarty and I, being the good God-fearing children and geeks that we were, naturally assumed that O.G. was the codename for a secret George Burns unreleased OH GOD movie that was probably going to be banned in Idaho and Utah. Being the advocates that we were... and feeling that this would be good material to discuss with Jack Valenti in the morning, we set forth in the motorized carriage bound for the O.G.

The carriage attendent began talking about Johnny Russo killing a man in Vegas for some sort of perceived ill-will given to a stripper with a pair of tits that this town was founded around. (This is when Moriarty and I began looking at each other wondering why there was 'stripper talk' in the carriage) He went on telling us about the days when Telly Sevalas used to hop in this steel horse driven machine and roam the strip looking for lollypops. We had entered the right carriage.

Suddenly we were at a place called Olympic Gardens, and Moriarty and I began to suspect that this was no mere George Burns film, but we were absolutely adamant about pursuing any perceived level of censorship to it's full conclusion.

Upon entering this place, suddenly from my fat full lips, and the cracked aged lips of the dear professor escaped the words, "Oh Gee!"

We were looking at the retirement home for Steve Buscemi's ROCKHOUND from ARMAGEDDON. A haven for strippers from around the world. Greece, Zimbabwe, Russia, Czech (spelling impaired), Korea, Japan and just about every country on this fair globe of ours.

There were nearly flat titties, fake silicone mountain titties, medium champagne glasses topped with ripe cherries titties and then swinging titties. Having just read the OCEAN'S ELEVEN script, and seeing a sensitive man movie like GOAT ON FIRE AND SMILING FISH we thought this to be the perfect locale to discuss the wide varied world of cinema.

For the next four hours Ned, Dusty, Lucky, James G and me sat in our corner booth surrounded by 80 plus nude women humping men, women, tables and chairs while we discussed F.W. Murnau and the release schedule of SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE, The Birth of Edison Cinema, Automan, Tron, the fine art of fighting with fake lightsabers and of course.... SPIDER-MAN, LORD OF THE RINGS, EPISODE II and III, X-MEN and so on. At one point this entertainer with GIGANTIC FLESHY BREASTS came up and asked these five men (including me) why we were all leaning on a table discussing something and paying no mind to the wild world of God's Creations.

The old man began giggling while I said... "Admittedly our values are shot, but we are discussing the world of film and it's ancilary products," then I blinked twice in innocent doe fashion. Her response was to unsheath her tits, place her leg against the unused flacid noodle of Moriarty and humped twice, "Wouldn't you rather get your hands on these?" Again with the evil giggles as the half blind evil genius grinned his missing tooth filled mouth and coughed up half a lung.

It was as if an angel had come down from up on high and said... "Gentlemen, movies are crap, Pussy rules!" This instantly sent Ned to the cabs out front riddled with guilt, while Dusty Bottoms headed to the tables for a facial massage alongside the professor, while Lucky and I began discussing Genome Technologies and the developing genetic engineering to extend life.

About an hour further drifted by, till Lucky Day was suddenly cornered by a loving progeny of SuperFly from across 110th street. Understandably, Lucky Day began to drift from the conversation. Suddenly, Dusty and Moriarty returned with the goofiest smiles you ever did see on a 200 year old evil genius and an inept gringo mariachi player. As they sat down, this couple that had been having many many lapdances, leans over and says,


Suddenly I realized that 1)I have some very liberal readers that enjoy a very interesting alternative lifestyle, 2)I need to lose 200 lbs and cut my hair and bleach it blonde and 3)I was forced to now come forward and fully discuss this with all of you... lest it be turned into some strange sexcapade involving a 200 year old fugitive, 2 mariachi players, Superflyette and 80 nude writhing women. Although the relative damage from this seemingly hallucinatory rambling would hardly be taken as seriously as such adventures as working a Burger King to infiltrate CHICKEN RUN and the various Time Machine jaunts.

Having downed approximately 7 Shirley (ahem) Temples with a Charlie Horse chaser, my bladder needed emptying, so I told the crew I was headed to the bathroom.

The next thing I knew I was in my hotel typing my review of GOAT ON FIRE AND SMILING FISH, while Moriarty was screaming about blue balls and the inexcusable breach of cock teasing involved with a lady named Viagra that fondled his unworking block and tackle to move the flesh that never moves.

Upon finishing my column I fell asleep to have visions of a blank period of my life that seemed to involve a 32 year old Catholic School girl with the cutest pair of glasses I ever did see and a weird (was it Catholic) ritual involving all sorts of sordid animalistic rites that (in my dream mind you) I enjoyed thoroughly.

After three hours of sleep I awoke with the sudden realization that I needed to shower and get ready to see... LORD OF THE RINGS footage! Moriarty, covered in lipstick and sounding like some sort of dying beaver, slept like most 200 year old evil geniuses covered in lipstick. Upon entering the bathroom... I noticed lipstick all over me. What had Moriarty done?

Grabbing toilet paper and making like Baby Jane, I started rubbing upon my jowls. Leaving the restroom I looked at Moriarty. That lipstick was a different shade. What was this? I searched his bags. No lipstick. I searched my bags. No lipstick. This is still a mystery that I am deadly serious to getting in the bottom of.

Showered, dressed and still just a hint of Jasmine upon... every inch of me, (strange... this isn't the scent of Moriarty? Where did this come from?) Ahhh... more important things to put our minds to... Showest needed our attention. Only the powerful superminds of two well serviced geniuses... one a force for good the other of evil... must be put into the system to reveal to all the future of NEW LINE...

Folks, Moriarty is going to take over now... As we are each taking turns with the computer and various work. Photography engineering, scribing, time management details, etc. One last thing till I turn it over... The scheme for the photography that I took for the various Showesteers is to take the pictures that the 'typical' photojournalist does not take. Close-ups and character shots. That chandelier above... the press corp line and photo corp lines. This is to document what this circus is like. Since Moriarty has the tape recorder and I the camera... our tag team duties were clearly labelled. I only got to talk to one star... Jon Favreau, who came up to thank me for the review of LOVE & SEX that an AICNer wrote at Sundance this year and claimed that it was responsible for the film getting distribution. Disclaimer... it is my belief that making a film that earns the sort of review that LOVE & SEX obtained from an AICNer is why the film got distribution. But enough from me... onto Moriarty...

Hey, everyone...

"Moriarty" here.

9:30. I never realized exactly how early that hour could seem until Tuesday morning rolled around. The alarm clock kicked in with that annoying bzzzzt only a few inches from my ear. I slapped the snooze button, determined to sneak in at least ten more minutes. "Hey, fucker, it's 9:30." Oh, god. Knowles sounded awake, even chipper. I opened one eye to halfmast and peered over at him sitting on the edge of his bed. Yep. Big smile on his face, all showered and dressed in a Technicolor Hawaiian shirt and those epilepsy-inducing neon lime green shoes of his. "LORD OF THE RINGS footage, old man. Get your ass up."

Admittedly, the threat of seeing actual moving images from Peter Jackson's bet-it's-gonna-be-a masterpiece would normally be enough to make me jump out of bed and sprint to the shower. However, I could still smell dancer all over me, and Knowles and his infernal giggling suggested that there was lipstick all over my ears and neck. I tried to shake off all thoughts of the hyper-talented Viagra and her Two Towers. Wake up. Wake up! Four hours and change just didn't feel like enough sleep. I'm not the spring chicken I was at, say, 90 years old. Still, I have my priorities straight, and I knew there would be worthwhile coolness to impart. I dragged myself into the bathroom, shutting the door on Harry's cruel, taunting laughter as I tried to pull myself together for the day ahead.

A half hour and one miraculous recovery later, we were walking into the press room at the Paris. We were early, something you faithful readers know I have little experience with, so I basically raided their Arrowhead cooler, trying to replace the precious fluids I had been robbed of the previous night. Finally, one of the many elfin ShoWest press staff (you should see their amazing green sweaters) led Harry and I to the area where the New Line press area would be. We were split up, Harry being taken to the photographers line, me being left standing on an AICN sign with the other people authorized to ask questions.

I'll give New Line this: they sure know how to build the suspense. The 11:00 start time for the event came, then went. Still nobody to photograph or question. 11:15. 11:20. All there was around me were reporters, all trading gossip or taking about what junkets are the best free rides. You guys may complain that we've sold out by taking press badges to this show, but we're here on our own dime. We came because we had to.

Finally, at about 11:40, the first celeb was escorted in, but I almost missed him at first. We all did, actually. It was Verne Troyer, the one and only Mini-Me, dressed in a sharp Armani outfit. Now, let me try to explain the whole procedure. Harry was roped off in the photographer's pen, the first thing the celebs saw as they entered. New Line didn't want anyone from that section asking any questions... a traffic concern, I'm guessing.

Instead, the rest of us were each assigned a space to stand and ask questions as each person made their way down the line. Nice, neat, and orderly, right? Guess again. I was wedged in between USA TODAY's Andy Seiler and the lovely nymphet and her crew, both of whom were far more aggressive about asking Verne Troyer various SHASTA MCNASTY related questions than I was. Since I don't have some editor to whom I have to justify this whole trip, I was free to cover only what I really wanted to cover. Instead of frantically waving to Verne and his dwarf manager and shouting his name over and over, I stood back to watch everyone else. The typical exchange went something like this:

"Hey, Verne! How are you?!"

"Good. ShoWest is crazy."

"Great! How's ShoWest so far?!"

"Um... crazy."

"Great! Do you like ShoWest?!"

"Yep. It's crazy."

"Great! What are you working on?!"

"I'm doing TV shows and movies and personal appearances, like the one at ShoWest. Have I mentioned that it's crazy?"

As the heated exchange of ideas continued, one thing became clear. Verne Troyer has (no pun intended) a short temper when it comes to stupidity. After mentioning how miserable the four-hour makeup process was for THE GRINCH and dropping vague threats about another sitcom with Jake Busey, Verne walked away. By that time, Devon Sawa and Ali Larter had already been ushered in and were starting to walk the line. I noticed that every one of the various celebs had publicists with them, monitoring each conversation and pimping their stars to each successive reporter. I've been around for a long time, and if there's one thing I have no patience for, it's being handled by publicists. I avoided the reptilian gaze of each one as they oozed past.

To be perfectly honest, I didn't have anything to ask the people they were bringing out. "Devon, does FINAL DESTINATION suck as much as IDLE HANDS?" "Ali, did you mean for your sweater to keep accidentally flashing me?" It's not like I could have gotten any sort of real answer out of either one of them anyway. They were obviously pre-programmed backstage with a stock set of things they could say. Devon kept insisting that he's a real actor who would never lower himself to do crap like AMERICAN PIE, while Ali kept insisting with maximum perk that FINAL DESTINATION features the coolest death scenes ever in the history of cinema bar none no really!

Other celebs were being ushered in now, and the feeding frenzy was seriously ramping up. Jon Seda shadowboxed for anyone who even glanced at him. Omar Epps hung back, sullen and bored. Melina Kanakaredes, pregnant and pretty, worked the line like an old pro, outclassed only by Jimmy Smits. Sanaa Lathan, Epps' stunning co-star in the upcoming LOVE AND BASKETBALL, was here and gone before I got more than a glimpse. Jon Favreau, who wasn't promoting anything at all, stayed close to his friend Vince Vaughn, who looked like I felt.

Actually, the best exchange of the day was between Vaughn and a reporter near me. As Vaughn walked up, the reporter pointed at him and Favreau. "Hey, it's the SWINGERS guys! And we're in Vegas! Hey! That's money, baby!"

Vince flashed the most insincere smile I've ever seen on a person and said, "Yeah, that's great. I think I'll kill the next person who says that to me." The mere hint of discontent in his voice brought his unreasonably hot publicist into closer orbit.

The oblivious journo gave a wicked donkey laugh and continued, "So, how does it feel to be in Vegas together again?"

Without even blinking, Vince shot back, "It feels like we've become everything we used to hate."

Just like that, the publicist went into panic mode, repeating the emphatic mantra, "Vince didn't say that! Vince didn't say that!" Within seconds, he'd been hustled away while the damage control unit kicked in.

By this point, the actual New Line luncheon was beginning. We could hear it through the doors of the Grand Paris Ballroom. Realizing that we could (A)stay in the press line to see what Tommy Davidson had to say, or (B) get our asses into the room where the LORD OF THE RINGS footage was going to be shown, we opted for (B) after a surprisingly close vote. Harry and I sprinted for the Grand Ballroom entrance, leaping over various NATO delegates and trampling anyone in our way. We made it inside just as the intro to the product reel was ending.

According to Thomas Schuetze, a German journo I met last year who ended up seated next to us today, the intro was set at the ShoWest of Tomorrow on a floating space station retirement home for all the beloved New Line characters. Rollergirl with a walker, Freddy and Jason with grey hair, a decrepit Austin Powers, and The Mask with a cancer kazoo were just a few of the characters shown before a 60 year old Ice Cube came on to reminisce about the good ol' days in the year 2000. He waxed rhapsodic about the success of NEXT FRIDAY, then mentioned that a few other good films came out as well. That led into the spring trailer ring. Let me give you my quick impressions of what we saw:

FINAL DESTINATION. You've all seen this trailer by now. I personally think it's ridiculous, but it seems to have rubbed some people the right way. I know the lovely Marla Singer in LA refuses to believe all the negative test screening reports we've gotten in, convinced this is going to be a wild thrill ride. I'm not convinced myself, but there's just a couple of week 'till we get a chance to find out for ourselves.

Harry's take: Trailer is one of those.... Ew... Teenagers die things. Nothing particularly special. This trailer has been everywhere. Ho hum.

THE CUP. What a strange little trailer. Tibetan monks and soccer games, satellite dishes in ancient monastaries. It looks like the kind of film that Miramax used to know how to turn into a hit. We'll see what Fine Line can do with it.

Harry's Take: Hey folks, it's a soccer playing monk flick. So ya got red robed Curlys shuffling about minus the "heh Moes" and "nyuck nyuck nyucks". About as weird as they come.

PRICE OF GLORY. Boxing. Jimmy Smits. Jon Seda. It went in one ear and out the other, sorry to say. Could be brilliant, but it left no impression on me.

Harry's Take: It's L.A. LAW but with a lot more physical contact and sweating. Actually... this looks interesting. Jon Seda looks like someone that's been punched alot. And Smits is just always someone cool to watch. I like boxing movies, and from that side of things it looks a degree or two more interesting than ROCKY V from the trailer.

LOVE & BASKETBALL. The early word on this film is very good, and I liked the trailer a lot. It looks like a real glimpse inside the world of sacrifice that professional athletes face, particularly women. The last exchange of the trailer ("One game, one-on-one." "For what?" "Your heart.") really flies with these two charismatic young actors. I'm interested.

Harry's Take: Like the old man says, very strong word of mouth... and I'll add that I really like the trailer for the film... but this was the same trailer that all these theater owners already have in their theaters. Which, again, made me go... Oh yeah... that trailer. Omar Epps looks cool in this film. By International Law it has to be waaaaay better than MOD SQUAD.

TOWN & COUNTRY. Hey, didn't we see this one last year? Oh, yeah... this is that $75 million light romp with Warren Beatty, Garry Shandling, Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton, Buck Henry, Natassia Kinski, and more that has been stuck in reshoot hell for a while now. Michael Fleming had a nice bit about the film and its cast in his DISH column on Tuesday. All I know is, the trailer made me laugh last year, and it still does. Peter Chesolm has made two really great little underrated films in a row (FUNNY BONES and THE MIGHTY), so I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here. Still, he wouldn't be the first guy to get Beatty'd to death. It's a shame if he did. A SHAMPOO for the new decade would be lovely.

Harry's Take: I refuse to believe that a movie that seems to be about every woman on the planet seemingly wanting to have spontaneous sex with Warren Beatty... whether he be Grandpa age or wearing a Polar Bear suit on a wet golf course... could possibly cost as much as Moriarty professes. That being said, Peter Chesolm is a God, and nothing in the trailer makes it look like it won't be a bit funny. My god, look at what Chesolm has accomplished in the past with... OLIVER PLATT and a Culkin kid. It's gotta be good... right?

FREQUENCY. You've seen this one, too, I'll bet. It's been playing for a while, and I still don't know what I think. It's a bizarre premise: a guy gets to talk to his long-dead father on a ham radio because of sunspots that cause some time loop, only to have to prevent the murder of his own mother using the strange time stutter. Dennis Quaid and Jim Caviezial are both talented guys, and Gregory Holbit made the efficient, entertaining PRIMAL FEAR a few years back. But still... Renny Harlin and Sylvester Stallone dropped out of the film. If even they don't like a script, what does that say?

Harry's Take: Dammit.. I really wish New Line had brought this movie with them. I've got one of those feelings about the film. I like the trailer... though wish they had shown us something we don't all have on the computers. At this stage, other than TOWN & COUNTRY I was like... What the? This is like E!'s trailer park. I believe FREQUENCY is going to be a very good movie. Of course I also thought that about END OF DAYS and you people keep telling me I was wrong about that. See... I'm always right.

The 60 year old Ice Cube came back at that point to tell us there would be a break for lunch since he had to "take a wicked piss." New Line then proceeded to serve us something that loosely resembled a hamburger, only inedible. It didn't matter, though. We knew what was after lunch. All the stars from the press line (as well as Adam Sandler, Patricia Arquette, Harvey Keitel, and Quaid and Caviezial) were ushered into the center of the room so they could eat lunch while a wall of bodyguards glowered out at the rest of us. Again, it didn't matter. We knew what was coming. By the time they cleared our plates and the lights went down again, I could barely stay in my seat. Ice Cube came back on and the next batch of trailers began:

THE CELL. This is the film that Mike De Luca keeps calling "New Line's MATRIX." Personally, I don't see it. It's got a distinct look, courtesy of Tarsem, the video director behind REM's "Losing My Religion" and other clips, but I've read the Protosevich script, and it's a mess. Think VIRTUOSITY mixed with NBC's short-lived SLEEPWALKERS TV series. A serial killer (Vincent D'Onofrio) is killing women by using this bizarre torture chamber that fills with water and drowns them while he watches. Jennifer Lopez and Vince Vaughn use high-tech toys to go into D'Onofrio's dreams and chase him around. Really. There's some striking individual images here, but if this thing works, I will be stunned. I think it's going to be too deeply nasty for most viewers, offensive to most women, and I think that it will ultimately collapse under the weight of its own pretension.

The trailer strikes me as a cross between Barker's cenobytes with the photographic style of IN DREAMS mixed with the extravagant costume designings of Bram Stoker's DRACULA and after the trailer I can say it's a bit like waking up after a 4 day ether binge. A bit disorientating. Interesting... No judgements. Haven't been given enough info. Intriguing looking.

LOST SOULS. Hey, didn't we see this one last year? This still looks like a good creepy little exorcism thriller with Winona Ryder and Ben Chaplin starring. I liked the script when I reviewed it during my Supernatural Week script round-up the week before ShoWest last year, and I hope that they really do finally release it this fall. It's about time.

Harry Note: I was ready to see this movie last September. Let's get it out sooner rather than later.

13 DAYS. Kick ass. This is how you cut a trailer. This is the story of the Cuban Missile Crisis as told from inside the White House. Kevin Costner plays Kenny O'Donnell, our eyes and ears in the crisis, and the trailer unfolds with a series of intense confrontations as things heat up. Bruce Greenwood's truly spooky JFK performance is front and center here, and just when you're sure you've seen the whole movie, with cross-cutting aerial action and generals plotting and Kennedys conferring, a single title comes up -- "That's just the first day." Looks like they nailed the tone of the script, and they sure know how to sell it. Best of luck, boys.

Harry Note: Great fucking trailer, for a screenplay that if shot as David Self brilliantly wrote it... It alongside William Broyles' Robert Zemeckis directed CASTAWAY will be in the final 5 for the OSCARS this time next year when we're all saying... 9 months to LORD OF THE RINGS! Everything about the trailer works wonderfully. Spy Planes, political trauma, notable americana and no Oliver Stone brick impressions on my temple. This movie could rock so hard you're left saying... THAT'S FILMMAKING! Please dear God, make Roger Donaldson make his perfect film!

BONES. I have no idea what this is. There was no footage, just a title and some mumbling about "the new face of horror" and "the dawning of a new franchise." Harry swears he heard Snoop Dogg's name in the trailer. I don't know what the hell he's talking about.

Harry Note: Scary eyeball man and trailer voice. me no know what think about scary people trauma. Be afraid...

SAVING GRACE. This film played at Sundance, and it appears to be a sweet little comedy about a woman played by Brenda (SECRETS & LIES) Blethyn who has to save her farm by growing marijuana. It's a pretty funny little trailer, mild mannered and unoffensive.

Harry Note: Looks good, though TWO FAMILY HOUSE won this year's Audience Award at Sundance... not this

BAMBOOZLED! Spike Lee's name in on this thing, and that's the only reason people didn't recoil in shock as some truly startling imagery raced by. This seems to be about a TV show that trades in black stereotypes, set in a world in which all those stereotypes are true. Strange, high-concept, and sure to be controversial.

Harry Note: Excellent teaser. Dying to see.

15 MINUTES. This looks pretty damn good, I must say, even if I do resent Ed Burns for all the times he's put his hands on my future wife. The trailer sells it as a tense, thrilling commentary on the lengths people will go to in an effort to be famous. Positioned as a dark action piece like SE7EN, this could work if everyone in it is at the top of their game, and Burns and De Niro both appear to be. The film's got a great one-sheet, a gun that's colored like an American flag, with the tagline, "Some people will kill to get their 15 MINUTES." I know they've sold me.

Harry Note: Kickass trailer.

LITTLE NICKY. The beginning of this one is cut like it's a horror film, and it just might be. Adam Sandler looks bizarre in the trailer, and his Little Nicky voice is basically just another riff on Canteen Boy's retarded voice. There's not really any laughs in the trailer, but it's just a teaser, so maybe they're holding back the good stuff. Please, New Line... tell me you're just holding back the good stuff. I noticed there wasn't even a glimpse of Tarantino or Keitel or... well, or anyone, for that matter. It's just Sandler in a weird coat, with weird hair, as he gets hit by a bus.

Harry note: Me no like Adam Sandler. I'm tone death to his comedy. Bring me ME MYSELF AND IRENE.

LORD OF THE RINGS. All sins are forgiven. I loved the hamburger. I thought the press line was lovely. Whatever New Line wants, New Line gets. All they have to do is give me another injection of this pure movie-geek heroin, this beautiful, magnificent, damn-fool experiment of theirs. I've looked into the CGI eyes of Gollum, and I've found a soul. I've seen the Ringwraiths as they thunder through the woods. I've seen the silhouettes of our beloved Fellowship as they cut across the horizon. I literally started shaking as they showed quick glimpses of Orcs and goblins in full makeup. Was that Gandalf? Oh, shit, look, it's Samwise! Wow, Frodo looks cool, and Sting seems a mighty blade. Through the entire two minutes, Peter Jackson kept appearing, radiating that quiet confidence of his. I love this guy and his movies, and the faith this footage instills in me is unshakable. Bring it on. Let me see more. Let me get a better look at Aragorn. Please, please, please, take me back to Helm's Deep. It's really bizarre when they're talking about the influence of the books and we see STAR WARS posters and Frank Frazetta art and a Led Zeppelin album cover all go by, but it's also entirely true. We're finally getting a film version of one of the most influential pieces of literature in history. We're finally going to Middle Earth. 2001, 2002, and 2003, eh? Fine. I'm up for it. I can wait. Any time Peter Jackson and his crew of magicians needs, they should take. It will be worth it.

Harry Note: Rocked so hard it neutered the front half of the audience while leaving Moriarty sounding like a shrill little girl.

And then, just like that, it was over. The lights came on, some shit in the rafters exploded unceremoniously, and we were herded out the door to collect our LITTLE NICKY sweatshirts while AC/DC's "Highway To Hell" played very, very loudly.

So how did you spend your morning?

I've got to get some sleep now so we can repeat the whole process at the Sony event tomorrow. Looks like they're bringing some monster stars like Arnold and Mel and Bill Murray, who is apparently doing CHARLIE'S ANGELS after all. We should be seeing stuff from THE PATRIOT, THE HOLLOW MAN, and FINAL FANTASY. Expect reports on all that, along with the Miramax evening and Fox's screening of WHERE THE HEART IS. Until then...

"Moriarty" out.

Readers Talkback
comments powered by Disqus
    + Expand All
  • March 8, 2000, 6:20 a.m. CST

    The Curse Of Blue Balls, Nine Hour LOTR and The Curse of the Sup

    by SamLowry

    Harry? Do you know anything about the plan Peter Jackson mentioned in your first Q & A with him about shooting extra stuff, outside each of the three two hour films, so that one, in 2004, a DVD can be released that meshes together all three films and includes additional scenes and characters that don't make the cut in the theatrical versions, plus extra gore and violence. Does anybody know if Peter Jackson is still doing this? Hanging out in strip clubs is embracing an alternative lifestyle? What, an alternative to staying inside and beating barry blue (australian phrase)? Beware the curse of the Blue Balls. This is what the anti-masturbatory Christian kinds will not tell you : 'his little friends' must be regularly relieved of their burden lest the semen set hard and start to fill up the inside of the leg cavities. Better to be a chronic log-flogger than to suffer from such a horrible, crippling condition because God forgot to put a safety lock on the old flesh-pistol. Yeah, if any of us were there in Las Vegas we would have ripped the adrenachrome out of a busload of biddies to get into that screening of LOTR footage. Yeah, I can't resist looking at the sketches, glimpses of photos and reading up every tidbit, but I can't help but think what a truly majestic experience it would be to live a long way from the internet and this site and know almost nothing of the film, but to walk into a cinema one day in late 2001 to discover what will surely be A Movie Of The Decade. Was lucky enough, a few years back, to get into a preview screening of Pulp Fiction in Sydney, Oz, before it was even released stateside. Knew NOTHING about the movie or who was in it. And the joy of discovery! Virtually impossible for such a thing to ever happen again. Curse you rancid, ever-curious, infiltrating, news-uncovering, photo-discovering Super Geeks! Damn You! Damn You All The Hell! What would have happened to Harry if he had done the true SuperGeek bizz and sneaked a micro-digi-camera into that screening? Would he be banned for all time from any other New Line goodies? Would he be industry black-walled? Or would he be hailed by his million fans for doing exactly what the Superest of Super Film Geeks should have done, heart and soul and bugger the consequences? The compromises begin to pile up....

  • March 8, 2000, 7:01 a.m. CST

    This is more like it!

    by BONZO

    Nice one Guys. The snippets are quite interesting but at the end of the day it is the insights into the upcoming that we are really interested in. I thought it was a great piece nice bit of contextual, when in Rome blah,blah, blah. "The Cup" was released over here in the UK last year and did't really do much. Unfortunately I didn't see it, thoughI wish I had as the reviews were quite complimentary. A gentle film as I recall though not something that the X-men advocates are really going to go for and as a result I can't see it doing fantastically in the US. Is your interest in soccer really going to make you go to see this film in the US. On another note for the UK readers I saw "The insider" last night at a preview and it rocks! Go see it Russell Crow is great as the intense scientist who runs the risk of losing everything. Just a shame really that Michael Mann puts in the final shot, just watch it and you will see what I mean. It's just a bit of a shame that we UK bods can't contribute a little more. Still keep the good work up. Laters

  • March 8, 2000, 7:06 a.m. CST

    Thanks Guys, Great Report - Keep 'em coming : )

    by smilin'jackruby

  • March 8, 2000, 8:05 a.m. CST

    More at Showest

    by Havok2000

    Harry & Moriarty, did New Line show any of Rush Hour II? Is there anything on Rush Hour II and is it coming out this year? Other reporters mentioned seeing a clip or a trailer so I expected to see something about it on your report. Nice work, otherwise.

  • Can it ever beat the Gold Club in Atlanta that all my friends went to one night and told me about?

  • March 8, 2000, 8:23 a.m. CST

    You spelled Czech right.

    by Stefka


  • March 8, 2000, 8:33 a.m. CST


    by Rolande

    So, does Jennifer Lopez wear a tightass outfit when she's chasing the serial killer dude in his dreams?

  • March 8, 2000, 8:39 a.m. CST


    by zinger

    Irreverant, scatalogical, sophmoric, gleefully geek and goddamn insightful. Now remember boys its a different game starting today. Your posting. Your breaking the events almost as they happen. Do not think for one moment the remaining studios participating don't know this. They are AWARE. They have all just completed assigning one of their own junior field promotion's manager to flag you both and remain close at hand. They will offer fruit plate alternatives to the rubber chicken served, assure clear sight line viewing of the screen, and then afterwords, before the first house light reaches full brightness flak asks earnestly, head tilted, veneers gleaming as they smile and say "Well, wadya think? Great huh? Didn't you just love.." Power of the net....Geeks rule you both feel it coursing through your veins. You smile, you nod and then ask is it possible to get another ticket for closing everytime.

  • March 8, 2000, 8:40 a.m. CST

    Dear Ain't It Cool: "I never believed this could happen to me..

    by The Fat Baldwin

    To think I thought this site was about movies? Wow, this article is every T&A 80's movie clich

  • March 8, 2000, 9:06 a.m. CST

    All Hail P.J.!

    by mrbeaks

    Ever since BAD TASTE, I knew that one day Jackson would deliver something truly remarkable, and it seems that LOTR will be just that. He's come a long way from blowing up sheep.

  • March 8, 2000, 9:07 a.m. CST

    Hey Moriarty

    by StarBarella

    Speaking of verbosity and insanely long posts, where are those 90's reports. Bwahahaha.

  • March 8, 2000, 9:48 a.m. CST

    Doesn't Harry look like the "strip club type"?

    by Lester Diamond

    Great report, fellas. They give you free food and sweatshirts? I'm there. Harry, wear all the swag they give you to the next Ebert or take a picture surrounded by it just to make us jealous. About the strip club? Good story. I believe every word of it except for the part about Harry taking a shower.

  • March 8, 2000, 9:58 a.m. CST


    by NUXX

    Thank you guys, i found your piece VERY entertaining, thank you for writing something i actually visualised in my head and kept me laughing hard the whole way through. To quote an old saying: MAKE MINE AICN! Thank you again. NUXX OUT.

  • March 8, 2000, 10:36 a.m. CST

    Harry is so gay!

    by Larry_Talbot

    In the OLD sense of the word! God - people love to misinterpret...

  • March 8, 2000, 10:52 a.m. CST

    Welcome Back, Harry!

    by SamIAm

    Gentlemen, and the one or two ladies who frequent our little home away from home, this is how it use to be. For you newbies (less than a year) on the site, this is how Harry wrote EVERY review, EVERY opinion, EVERYTHING! Harry, it's great to see you again... where have you been? Some guy calling himself Harry Knowles has been running this site for about a year now. Thank God, you were able to get out of that basement or closet or wherever you were, and come back to us. Seriously, big guy (and you, too old man) this is the best thing you've written for a year. You keep it up, and I'll beg forgiveness for that "corporate shrill" crack.

  • Actually, I'm going to see it anyway, ever since I saw the poster. Beautiful. Between 13 Days and TRAFFIK, could we be seeing the dawn of Kevin Costner's comeback? I hate his later work just like everybody with any taste whatsoever does, but I really liked BULL DURHAM and NO WAY OUT and some of his better earlier work. Let's hope these two bring him back from the dark side.

  • March 8, 2000, 11 a.m. CST

    I Can Hear You Getting Fatter

    by Astro Pud

    Brave Sir Harry ran away, bravely ran away away. When danger reared his ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled. Yes, brave Sir Harry turned about, he turned his tail, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by Sir Harry.

  • March 8, 2000, 11:21 a.m. CST

    I didnt even bother reading this entire crap

    by prajadhipok

    this shit was too long, trim it down if you want your site followers to keep coming in here.

  • March 8, 2000, 11:23 a.m. CST

    Bones info

    by Goose42

    Just to follow up on that "Bones" is indeed a movie with Snoop Dogg. He spoke a little about it on Stern one morning. Supposed to be a horror or something. Great report guys - this is the sort of thing that people will be reading. Fresh, honest, tell-it-like-it's-seen journalism. The way of the snobby film critic is slowly being bumped from the good seats to the concession stand, making way for reviewers who know their audience. Thanks guys.

  • March 8, 2000, 11:29 a.m. CST

    "One game, one-on-one." "For what?" "Your heart."

    by Ambrose Chappell

    Come on! That line is corny as hell and now there is the distinct odor of cheese coming from my computer... Great report guys. Fun read. Me like.

  • March 8, 2000, 11:55 a.m. CST

    I bruised my butt...

    by All Thumbs

    When I fell off my chair from laughing so hard. It would have been just perfect (if not a little cliche) if you had been asked by the stripper if you were Harry Knowles. I actually think it would be fun to attend a strip club with the boys and sit back and listen to them talk intelligently about movies one second and then start drooling and staring like little boys then next when a pair of perfect breasts come around. Murnau in a nudie bar...that's a first! Oh yeah, and the movie reviews were good, too. Can't wait for that "Where the Heart Is" review!!!!

  • March 8, 2000, 12:13 p.m. CST

    Best Club

    by Hadesmars

    Gold Club!?! Feh! Anyone who has been there knows that the best strip club in the world is Mitchell Bros. O'Farrell Theatre in San Francisco.

  • March 8, 2000, 12:24 p.m. CST


    by All Thumbs

    Did you guys go to the Valenti breakfast or is there a restraining order barring you to come within 500 ft of Valenti, especially if you want to discuss the MPAA ratings system?

  • March 8, 2000, 12:34 p.m. CST

    Nice report

    by lostoptimist

    Just for the record tho, Peter Chesolm has done THREE wonderful little films: Funny Bones, The Mighty AND Hear My Song.

  • March 8, 2000, 12:38 p.m. CST

    Hey, prajadhipok....

    by Monkey Lord

    Maybe that's exactly what Harry and Moriarty wants: To seperate the wheat from the chaff. If oo don't wike to hurt oo poor wittle eyes wiff so many words, don't wead. Go look at one of your Dick and Jane picture books or something, or watch your pokimon cartoon. To Harry: Hehe! Dying beaver... I love it. Keep up the good work...Oh, and I still hate you. :) Perhaps I should change my handle to "Green Eyed Monster."

  • March 8, 2000, 1:48 p.m. CST

    How Harry and Moriarty REALLY WOKE UP !

    by Syd Mead

    Harry: "Where's your hand?" Moriarty: "Holding yours..." Harry: "Where's your OTHER hand???" Moriarty: "Between two pillows." Harry: "THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!!!!" Harry & Moriarty: "Ahhhggggg. Oh..YUCK ! Did ya see that Dallas game...Ya..great game...great game."......Sorry, visions of Planes, Trains and Auotmobiles with you guys...other than that...what was that movie with wizards and orcs again? Aw fuck it, just send some pictures. Thanks mucho.--Syd

  • March 8, 2000, 2:28 p.m. CST

    Now THIS is why I come here.

    by Day4Night

    Thanks, guys, for that wonderful you-are-here slice o' reporting. It harkens back to the good ol' days when Harry brought us along for the ride, and all the sordid details were included. I know you're a busy guy these days, Harry-san, meetin' and greetin' and such, but damn it's nice just to have you observing for a change.

  • March 8, 2000, 6:06 p.m. CST

    Moriarty - 200 years old - fuck that!

    by Sweeper887

    Seriously - If you are going to name yourself after a fucking super-genius criminal, you might want to know a bit about him. Holmes threw Moriarty over the edge of Reichenbach falls in 1891. Given the claim that this Moriarty is 200 years old, he would have been 91 years old when he scaled Rechenbach in Switzerland and took the swan-dive off of the edge. No 91 year-old would be able to do that. DO YOUR MATH!

  • March 8, 2000, 6:10 p.m. CST

    YES! You boys finally got laid!

    by Tall_Boy

    Be sure to go to that stip club again before you leave! I love living vicariously thourgh others. Word of advice from personal experience: Don't slap any strippers on the ass, they don't appreciate it at all.

  • March 8, 2000, 6:40 p.m. CST

    So Little Nicky just gets hit by a bus?

    by EL Duderino

    Could be funny. The entire cast line-up is fantastic (including a return to film by Dana Carvey as a ref in a basketball game with the Harlem Globetrotters and Little Nicky). The only big gripe I have with this project may be that the same guy that wrote all the Mighty Ducks films and directed the critically slammed HEAVYWEIGHTS. Maybe if this film gets an R rating it will still be worthwhile...

  • March 8, 2000, 7:02 p.m. CST

    Read a health book, SamLowry

    by The Garbage Man

    Ya don't need to choke your chicken for fear of blue balls. Your little fellas are disposed of in 2 ways (besides shaking hands with Mr. Smiley) 1. Nocturnal emission (ask your dad, kiddies) and 2. Broken down and disposed of through the blood, skin, etc.

  • March 9, 2000, 12:56 a.m. CST

    Harry showers? Tell us another one.

    by Cereal Killer

    I'm glad to hear you finally got to see some naked titties but contrary to what some of the virgins one this site seem to think, visiting a strip club is not the same as getting laid. Stop wasting time looking at dancers and make your way to one of the legal brothels outside of Vegas and actually get yourself a piece. It'll change your whole outlook on life (Today I am a man). Anyway, I hope you'll give us a long review of "Where the Heart Is" in the next day or so. Can't wait.

  • March 9, 2000, 6:50 a.m. CST


    by BenAsslick

    Harry and Moriarity Are you guys blind???? Fuck the blue balls. There are books of hooker phone numbers all over Las Vegas. Every street corner has an illegal immigrant handing out books. Or instead of dropping all that cash at Olympic Gardens, fork over some money and take a ride to the Mustang Ranch. There is zero reason for blue balls in Sin City.

  • March 9, 2000, 7:19 a.m. CST


    by Darth Philbin

    Damn Harry! God bless you for the awesome titty-bar chronicle. You know, I remember back before I discovered women (and soap) dreamed of the day when the X-Men movie would be made, and shit like that. Now that you have had a taste of the "other" world, it's time to convert you to one of the living. Do you know, if you go out to the clubs and do nothing but drink and smoke until last call, follow it all up with a Denny's Grand Slam, and sleep till' 8 the next night and do it all over again, in 6 months you will lose about 100 FUCKING POUNDS! Plus, the more you lose, the better you'll look. Then you'll start dancing and plugging hot chicks in the ass - and burn even more fat! Please Harry, do it for yourself! Real live women are far better than anything that the internet has to offer. Top that off with your existing celebrity status and you'll have em' hopping on your meat 2, maybe 3 at a time. I hope that I touched a nerve, man. I'll sum it up in cinematic terms for you: "The Future is whatever you make it- so make it a good one." Doc "The Cock" Brown

  • March 9, 2000, 7:58 p.m. CST

    Sitting in a strip club talkin' movies.

    by LSHB

    That, my pretties, is a true fanboy. Or a gay one. In any event, this is a glorious tale of ribaldry and revelry. Keep up the great work!

  • March 9, 2000, 11:24 p.m. CST

    Lost Souls

    by decastro

    I was able to get a bootleg of this movie in November. It isn't anything special, actually pretty bad.

  • March 11, 2000, 7:37 p.m. CST

    Ms. Foster? Where are you?

    by 60091

    Hey where the hell is Ms. Foster? I wanted to read her rantings once more on this subject and giggle like a madman.