Cool News
So STAR WARS XXX *Isn't* STAR WARS 30??
Apparently not. Although maybe it should be? This new trailer is more or less suitable for work, much like THIS previous teaser. Presumably the film itself won't be suitable for work. It shouldn't be. It better not be.
Porny STAR WARS paraphrases I'd like to see included...
"Don't act so surprised, Your Highness..."
"Feel The Force FLOWING through you!"
"Your exhaust port is marked and locked in!"
"Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?"
"Yub nub!"
"Your unit has a bad motivator!"
Go on....
--- follow Merrick on Twitter ! ---
Readers Talkback
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By Max Hardcore
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Jan. 6, 2012, 11:53 a.m. CST
Might change meaning of "Greedo shoots first"!
by Hey_Kobe_Tell_Me_How_My_Ass_Tastes
yeah i went there
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Jan. 6, 2012, 11:56 a.m. CST
Luke, at that speed will you be able to pull out in time?
by FailureAtTheCave
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Jan. 6, 2012, 11:57 a.m. CST
Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!
by FailureAtTheCave
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Jan. 6, 2012, 11:58 a.m. CST
Thank you, thank you. Ill be here all week
by Hey_Kobe_Tell_Me_How_My_Ass_Tastes
please buy my souvenir used condoms
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but come on. I don't need it to be shot for shot. Some one should go rewatch the Lord of the Rings parody they were showing on cinemax forever. That was gold. Throbbits....
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Thirty some-odd years after Flash Gordon came out it got a porn parody. Guess Star Wars was up for it (sorry.) "Look at the size of that thing!" Death Star! I mean the Death Star! Jeez...
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:03 p.m. CST
I want a 1977 Burger Chef Star Wars poster that says "Dick Chibbles as Chewbacca"!
by The Reluctant Austinite
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Ugh. That looked awful.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:04 p.m. CST
This trailer is more entertaining than George's last 3 movies!
by Mennen
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:05 p.m. CST
Nice! I'll have to dig out my 70s Topps C3-PO "boner" edition
by obijuanmartinez
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Tattoine was on the outer rim! It was!
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See-Threesome-Pee-Oh?
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Can it?
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to see what they mean by the Dark Side of the Force.
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Had to be said
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:08 p.m. CST
You're all clear, kid, now let's *blow* this thing and go home!
by Acappellaman
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You're braver than I thought.
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Thank goodness Bea Arthur can't be in it.
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Could this get any nerdier? Star Wars and Porn combined is a lethal cocktail for any geek planning to try and get a life...... Oh and let me be the first to say that I'm a sad cunt with absolutely no life but even this cack is a step too far. A quick few strokes on youporn and I'm done for the day. No need for all the bells and whistles this shit no doubt provides
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:16 p.m. CST
Must have hit her pretty close to the mark to get her all rilled up like that... right kid?
by irc-Hollywood
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If that isn't perfect fucking casting I don't know what is. and I don't.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:18 p.m. CST
Let me stick my hairy wookie cock up your tight Royal arse
by Baron Von Penguin
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I used to bull's-eye womp-rats. And of course: What is this.......THING?
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...than anything I´ve seen this year!
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but she's got it where it counts.
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Now....I am the master.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:24 p.m. CST
You were right about one thing master, the negotiations were short.
by HoboCode
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disturbing.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:26 p.m. CST
Mind tricks don't work on me. Only money. No money, no parts, no deal.
by HoboCode
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After watching the trailer I have to say, I prefer my porn with more than 1 woman.
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Only what you take with you.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:26 p.m. CST
Beep beep sqeeup beep....Oooh R2 you're roboplegiac ROM-cock is tearing my metal arse
by Baron Von Penguin
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:26 p.m. CST
Governer Tarkin, I would of expected you to be holding Vaders leash.
by Kill List Hammertime
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Thinking along those lines, seems like it would work better as gay porn. Not that I like that or there's anything wrong with it, I'm just saying.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:31 p.m. CST
Im actually surprised at the production values. Not bad for a porno.
by dahveed1972
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:31 p.m. CST
I think we just saw all the scenes that DON'T contain wild sex.
by bubcus
that's no moon...
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to many abilities some considered to be unnatural
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:33 p.m. CST
LOL EVERYTHING about this screams lawsuit waitin to happen LOL
by MattHooper
If they get away with this it will set a precedent for others to easily violate intellectual property laws held by both corporations and individuals. I cannot believe I actually said that LOL but it's true.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:33 p.m. CST
HAHA! I guess that trailer is what's left when you try to make a porn trailer with no nidity...
by FlickaPoo
but not even a little T&A? Cheesus!
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Cue Space Slug.
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No! NO! THIS one goes there.....THAT one goes here!
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:36 p.m. CST
(Eddie Murphy looking A-Wing pilot in ROTJ) "SHE GONNA BLOW!"
by Darth Busey
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:36 p.m. CST
'I have felt him, my master'. 'Strange that I have not'.
by Kill List Hammertime
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:38 p.m. CST
Uhh, had a slight weapons malfunction, but everything's perfectly alright...now...We're fine.
by HoboCode
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:39 p.m. CST
It didn't go in, it just impacted on the surface!
by Kill List Hammertime
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'Her resistance to the probe is considerable' 'I expected to find you holding Vader's leash' - for the S&M crowd. 'When you came in here, didn't you have a plan for getting out?' 'The shaft is only 2 meters wide.'
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Will we be able to pull out in time? Just like Pregger's Canyon back home!
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:41 p.m. CST
Between this, Vader's ROTJ *NOOOOOO* and SW:TPM poking your eyeballs in 3-D, it's not to be the best year for archaic fanboys such as moi.
by justmyluck
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Still looking forward to it though http://smokesandbooze.blogspot.com/2011/08/star-wars-xxx-porn-parody.html
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:42 p.m. CST
Might change meaning of Darth's "I have you now!" to Luke
by Hey_Kobe_Tell_Me_How_My_Ass_Tastes
yeah ol anni felt some stirring of his force when he met luke might even be a family threesome
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:43 p.m. CST
GRAB IT! YOU ALMOST GOT IT. HOLD IT. WHOA! GENTLY NOW...ALRIGHT. HOLD ME, CHEWIE.
by Darth Busey
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:44 p.m. CST
Might change meaning of "Don't get cocky kid"
by Hey_Kobe_Tell_Me_How_My_Ass_Tastes
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:44 p.m. CST
BLEEAAAAAAH!!! DON'T MOVE, LANDO. NO, WAIT! I THOUGHT YOU WERE BLIND! IT'S ALRIGHT, TRUST ME. NOW DON'T MOVE. ALL RIGHT. A LITTLE HIGHER. JUST A LITTLE HIGHER!
by Darth Busey
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:44 p.m. CST
How can they be jamming us, if they don't know we're coming?
by Kill List Hammertime
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-Bib Fortuna
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:45 p.m. CST
Naked chicks reading this talkback out loud would be the ultimate fap material in the galaxy.
by FlickaPoo
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:46 p.m. CST
I want my lamp back. I'm gonna need it to get out of this slimy mudhole.
by Por Kins
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:47 p.m. CST
WELL, THE FORCE IS WHAT GIVES A JEDI HIS POWERS. IT SURROUNDS US, AND PENETRATES US.
by Darth Busey
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I'd rather envision the hairballs from that encounter than the two dweebs playing Luke and Han banging anything.
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fearless and inventive.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:49 p.m. CST
SHE MAY NOT LOOK LIKE MUCH, BUT SHE'S GOT IT WHERE IT COUNTS, KID.
by Darth Busey
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:51 p.m. CST
GO STRAP YOURSELF IN, I'M GOING TO MAKE THE JUMP TO LIGHT SPEED.
by Darth Busey
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:54 p.m. CST
Can somebody get this walking carpet (muncher) out of my way?
by HoboCode
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:55 p.m. CST
Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for... sister! So. You have a twin sister.
by WhiskeyLips
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It just impacted on the surface. :(
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:56 p.m. CST
That is the sound of a thousand terrible things headed this way
by HoboCode
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but that just wouldn't be proper.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:57 p.m. CST
Moff Jerjerrod: I assure you, Lord Vader. My men are working as fast as they can. Darth Vader: Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them.
by WhiskeyLips
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Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it... So wrong.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:57 p.m. CST
Why, you slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler...you've got a lot of nerve coming here!
by Tom Arnold
Boom.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:58 p.m. CST
This bounty hunter is my kind of scum: fearless and inventive.
by WhiskeyLips
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And you will be rewarded.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 12:58 p.m. CST
When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not. Hmm?
by WhiskeyLips
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Yub to the mahfuckin' NUB.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 1:04 p.m. CST
Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!
by Kill List Hammertime
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Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 1:05 p.m. CST
Remember, concentrate on the moment. Feel, don't think. Trust your instincts
by HoboCode
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Jan. 6, 2012, 1:05 p.m. CST
Luke: So. You got your reward and you're just leaving, then?
by MamboMan
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You know, just reading the lines from STAR WARS and how they can be taken out of context in a porno version is hilarious in of itself... and these guys can't even get THAT right? Their biggest creative idea is to slap an X on the Death Star's laser dish? They couldn't bother to make it look like a cock with two (space)balls (for Wedge to make his comment on)? Just reading the actual dialogue lines above spells out "half the work is already done for you" and they still fuck it up. I know "porn actor" is an oxymoron, but Jesus Tap Dancing Christ can anyone do line deliveries anymore or is it just too much effort to do?
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Use for the finale of every climax.
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Red Leader: Cut the chatter, Red 2. Accelerate to attack speed.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 1:10 p.m. CST
I'm just a simple man, trying to make my way in the universe
by HoboCode
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I can imagine a LOT.
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Not a whole lot of female action in Star Wars.
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Most likely 45 minute long a SOFT-soft-very-softcore porn tongue in cheek parody.
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Yoda: Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?
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Jan. 6, 2012, 1:18 p.m. CST
She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.
by Jubba
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It's not my fault.....
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Jan. 6, 2012, 1:19 p.m. CST
and how many lawsuits have been slapped on this piece of shit?
by alienindisguise
clearly if it's going to be for sale it's a huge case of copyright infringement and I for one would like to see these lazy pieces of shit stopped all together but I would never expect creativity in the porn world where molestation and aids are all those idiots understand. Worthless fuckers.
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...they could have made a REAL film. These lavish pornos can't make money, surely? No one pays for porn and no one feels guilty about ripping it off.
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Sorry, really dumb in FACT! I know Star Wars has suffered from the prequels and just too much overexposure over the years, but this is pushing (er, penetrating) too far into the Star Wars geekverse. It is Star Wars overload. The whole saga has really lost its specialness at this point. The original three films that make up The Star Wars trilogy were really good, and still are, even with the shit Lucas has digitally painted into them (er, the digital jizz that Lucas has blown all over the original trilogy's tits). I just feel they are being tainted by too much other Star Wars stuff over the years. A porn really jumps the shark (or jumps the cock in this case) in terms of Star Wars geekdom overdoing it to the extreme. The 1990's truly was the last great time to be a Star Wars fan. No Jar Jar kicking off the lackluster prequels yet. Some cool Star Wars bts material was available to buy (like a cheap whore) or borrow (sloppy seconds?) from the library like the Art of Star Wars books. Super Star Wars trilogy for the SNES was more fun than trying to sneakily watch the Playboy channel or softcore Showtime porn flicks when mom and pops weren't in the living room. Also, there were a bunch of cool side stories told in game format on the PC like Rogue Squadron and Jedi Knight (this was before the internet was completely saturated with porn and Facebook). Then of course the unaltered episodes IV-VI were readily available. Sure it was VHS, as that was all we had back in those ancient days of hairy neanderthal pussy, but dammit if I didn't watch the shit (er, shove those hard black VHS cassettes into the VCR) out of those Star Wars tapes I bought from Suncoast in the mall (remember those movie stores? Hell, remember the mall?).
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Jan. 6, 2012, 1:33 p.m. CST
You would have been fucked too, and the dildos would now be in the hands of the Empire.
by highfunctioningsociopath
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What's Star Wars 30? The 30th anniversary was 5 years ago. Or does Merrick mean "3D"?
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At least with that, the original films had lots of suggestive sexual overtones. Plus, before Alien, H.R. Giger was already painting all kinds of biomechanical penises and vaginas, sometimes whole landscapes that were like giant sexual organs and orifices. Someone should get Giger to design a dark and twisted surreal porn epic. Make it old school too. Practical sets and models/miniatures for the overly sexualized Gigerscapes.
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Cue big grin on hans face
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- Let her loose! They're right behind me! - Almost There. - I can't hold them ... aaargh!
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I prefer reading the comments here with you guys to...watching porn. <p> Reaches for vodka and shotgun
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Jan. 6, 2012, 1:44 p.m. CST
I should have recognized your foul stench! (my fav is "into the garbage chute flyboy!")
by madhouseman
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Hey, you're one to talk, honey. What, they don't have wax on Alderaan?
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- Thick? -Thick, stacked. Listen if you were to rescue her the ass would be ... - What? - Well more ass than you can imagine. - I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit.
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This is just the latest one, and I guess it has a larger budget than previous ones. What’s that flashing?
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and Chew Bat Dung, the Woody
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Jan. 6, 2012, 1:59 p.m. CST
SHE COVERED THAT CAMERA. I DON'T THINK SHE LIKED ME WATCHING HER.
by Darth Busey
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Jan. 6, 2012, 2:05 p.m. CST
Oh Jeebsus who came up with this idea, the idiots behing Zac and Miri make a porn Movie?
by Stalkeye
The Bone Wars? *sigh*
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Jan. 6, 2012, 2:07 p.m. CST
IF YOU SPENT AS MUCH TIME PRACTICING YOUR SABER TECHNIQUES AS YOU DID YOUR WIT, YOU'D RIVAL MASTER YODA AS A SWORDSMAN.
by Darth Busey
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- I am going in.
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Grooming the wookie Polishing Vaders helmet Evacuating Hoth Releasing a special edition Communicating with red leader Lightsaber practice with Captain Solo Manually targeting the rebel base Scratching Yoda behind the ears
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Jan. 6, 2012, 2:14 p.m. CST
REMEMBER, CONCENTRATE ON THE MOMENT. FEEL, DON'T THINK. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.
by Darth Busey
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- in this incest orgy with your sister.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 2:15 p.m. CST
dr eric vornoff-"No one pays for porn and no one feels guilty about ripping it off."
by art123guy
Truer words were never spoken.
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And anticipated the Bane intelligibility problem by more than 30 years.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 2:19 p.m. CST
- I am skilled in over six million positions of sexual intercourse , and can readily...
by KilliK
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i can arrange that!
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This post is lame even for Merrick.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 2:31 p.m. CST
Even I get boarded sometimes. Do you think I had a choice?
by Monolith_Jones
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Maybe the upcoming 3-D cashgrab of the prequels will feature some much needed GG action. Just CGI two Natalie's going at it for 30 minutes or so... Lines around the block!
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...few weeks ago strolling through Walmart, saw a Stars Wars themed Pringles display with the following taglines..."May The Flavor Be With You" and "Collect Them All You Must"...fuck that fat sellout fuck and the whole franchise!
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dude, she's your sister, dude, that's your dad, dude, that's brother AND your dad.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 2:33 p.m. CST
RE: "stalkeye really?! you do know that VIVID makes this and its a real porn, right? "
by Stalkeye
I'm sure they are responsible for this pardoy like many tohers, however the first time i have heard of a SW porn parody was from Kevin Smith's Zack and Miri shitfest of a film. Had no clue that the porn industry would go all out to do a SW fuck flick. (mostly due to budget constraints.) I even heard that superhero porn parodies are the big thing nowadays. It seems that Hollwood ain't the only ones that ran out of original ideas.
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Just saying...
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Jan. 6, 2012, 2:38 p.m. CST
bitching ab out a porn movie, really stalkeye? i mean really?
by Hey_Kobe_Tell_Me_How_My_Ass_Tastes
damn i knew this place was a bitchfest at times, but to sink so low you bitch about a porn parody? fuuck
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half the fun of porn parodies is the gags, and Star Wars has it easy. Hands Solow Princess Lay Ya Lick Skyholler One Hole Penatrobi Seed Three Pee Holes Are Two Enough For You Dark Penetrator Come on! And thats off the top of my head. (heh) Just using their real names is so boring!
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Oh. Sorry... wrong movie.
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pretty obvious really.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 2:56 p.m. CST
That's the real trick isn't it? ... and it's gonna cost you something extra.
by ZaphodBB
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Jan. 6, 2012, 2:56 p.m. CST
So, are they legally allowed to use the names of the characters and other stuff? Or did they have to get permission from Lucasfilm?
by Mr. Pricklepants
Plus, judging from the trailer, it's a near replica of the original movies, but with hardcore sex scenes thrown in, of course. If they really wanted to do a parody, it should have been more like Spaceballs.
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Sorry. Resistance low. And someone must have made the *smell on the INside* joke. or something along the lines of *you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy .. except maybe Bakersfield.* I would make all of the Stormtroopers gay stereotypes. Just imagining Stormtroopers doing jazz hands is enough to keep me rolling for days, let alone them doing showtunes. In your head, just imagine a Stormtrooper saying *thesh aren't the droids we're looking for... they're all wrong.... ALLLL wrong* Perhaps a George Lucas character that steps into frame from time to time when the Princess's nipples aren't visible enough... with a water bottle spraying her chest down from time to time. The holographic chess program would of course have a move that involves one of the creatures bending another over and doing it from behind in a finishing move. Instead of Vader choking people out, it would be a nut grab instead... of course. How many times have I said *of course* now? The possibilities to turn HAN SHOOTS FIRST into a premature ejaculation reference are endless. After Luke cuts off that one guy's arm... you see him crying on the floor... *why is he crying?* *oh, that was his masturbation hand, in his species the other hand is a claw* One of the aliens in the Cantina scene would HAVE to have a big, floppy, flaccid penis as a nose. And when Chewbacca walks by they cut back to the guy and the nose is sticking up. All I can say is just be thankful I don't write for the Wayans Brothers.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 3:05 p.m. CST
So when Hand Solo, Obi Wang Cuntnobi, Luke Cumsprayer, or Dong InVader blow their midiclorian loads all over Lay Ya's face and tits
by lv_426
will there be those signature lightsaber and laser blaster sounds from the Star Wars films? You know what I am talking about -- whawhadt, whawhatd -- sounds like the Imperial Walkers make when they fire their cannons on the rebel troops outside the base on Hoth. They need to make those kinds of sounds when the midiclorian jizz starts a flyin'. Also, can Dong InVader yell YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! when he is pounding Lay Ya's ass?
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Jan. 6, 2012, 3:06 p.m. CST
This little one's not worth the effort. Come, let me get you something.
by JudgeDredd
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Jan. 6, 2012, 3:07 p.m. CST
gotlik - what if the gay stormtroopers ripped off scene in blazing saddles that dom deluise was directing when all hell broke loose or into the set?
by Hey_Kobe_Tell_Me_How_My_Ass_Tastes
hit it girls!
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Jan. 6, 2012, 3:08 p.m. CST
Dong InVader yells YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! when he is pounding Lay Ya's ass?
by lv_426
But then he discovers that he is actually shagging Luke and he then yells... NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, will there be Ewok midget porn scenes as well? An Ewok on Lay Ya gang bang would seem an obvious thing to have in a Star Wars porn.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 3:15 p.m. CST
Commander Skywalker hasn't come in through the south entrance
by Charger
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Yoda: Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. The outstanding thing is that a lot of the quotes from the OOT can be put unchanged in this porn parody and they will work perfectly.
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Seriously, CG Threepio? They can't find anybody who's made a suit? There must be hundreds of fan-made Vader and stormtrooper suits out there.
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*I see your schwartz is as bigger than mine ...* Oh wait, wrong movie!
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Don't you?
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rimshot
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Come on, I can't be the only one to think of that one. SPACEBALLS, well, that one is good as it is. PORNOSTAR GALACTICA. Starfuck, Asspollo, BoomHer, and Analthena are captured by the sexy Cyclits, who have now evolved from simpleminded killer robotic sexbots into nearly real and hot female sexlicants scouring the heavens for the perfect human mates so as to breed a new race of horny Cyclit/human hybrids.
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That hairy bastard.
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Look for "Allie Haze as Sexy Princess Leia"
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I wouldn't care if they actually seemed to try with this, you know, using actual lines from the movies in dirty ways (god, this forum has far better writers than this piece of shit) or changing character names, or something, but this, fuck, it's like some half assed lazy wannabe fan boys wanted to make a xxx shot for shot and couldn't even do that right. I don't expect much from porn, you know, beyond the obvious, but if you're going to put as much money into this fucker as I'm sure Vivid has, how about a little effort. Clearly this was done by the current generation of porn enthusiasts and producers. The "ADHD, show me the money-shot, youporn addicted, 60 seconds and done" crowd. Even the title is lazy. Just make it go away until there's a worthy porn version floating through the internet underground.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 3:50 p.m. CST
GET IN THERE YOU BIG FURRY OAF.. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SMELL!
by fanboy71
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... you're free of your carbonite. ....... "I can't see" "Your eyesight will return in time"
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Count me in!! Haha, these parody trailers are better than the parody films themselves. Wish they'd show more chicks though. And Lex Steele as Vader, THAT is classic. Funny that the rendering on those X-Wings pretty muches matches the quality of when they did that shot in the original re-release in the late 90's. These effects are ILM level about 10 years ago!! Good on the porn industry!
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Well, Harry and co. ARE running a website ...they have to get enough hits to get ads...
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Jan. 6, 2012, 4:05 p.m. CST
The fucking talkback isn't working, webmaster. Its cutting off posts...
by TopHat
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And I actually am, I can tell you that a lot of the lines from the talkback ARE in the film, though this is STRICTLY a parody of ANH. You'll have to wait for the ESB and RotJ parodies for the "I am your father" and Sarlacc gags. In response to mr_incredible, this is structured like the original film, but is very much a parody, although we'd like to think it's slightly less retarded than "Spaceballs." Then again, we don't have Pizza the Hutt... but when we get around to "Jedi," we WILL have Ron Jeremy playing Jabba... I know, I know... typecasting. -Eli Cross
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search your feelings... you know it to be true.
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I think you might consider us slightly less lazy if you see the actual film. The trailer is intentionally using much of the footage that is closest to the original film. As for being a wannabe, I was in the 15th row of the Cine Capri theater in Phoenix, AZ at 11 a.m. on May 25th, 1977. Where Star Wars is concerned, I consider my street cred to be more intact than Lucas'.
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Star Whores: Epic Load I - The Phallic Mega-mess?
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Are they just gonna bang Leia in every scene? <br><br> The girls never came... the girls never came!!
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How the hell are they going to make a star wars porn if there's only one woman in the whole movie?
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i got a little problem..." "pull loose!" "i can handle it!" "pull out!" "no i'm all ri-" EXPLOSION "RRRIIIAAAGGHHH!!
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one comment suggesting you run a less than stellar website and you get banned and the comment gets deleted. Man up boys, take constructive criticism on the chin and learn to let people voice their opinions, O Fearless Leader. Jesus. I feel like any second John Hurt's face is going to take over my computer screen and start yelling totalitarian shit at me.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 5:01 p.m. CST
meanwhile you have no problem with misogynistic hate speech peppering every single talkback
by Kevin Spellman
Joke.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 5:07 p.m. CST
This talkback is like the Star Wars films. Some classic stuff early on, then a long string of hideous nonsense that only vaguely resembles the good early stuff.
by kevred
Guys, please stop trying (or try much, much harder) on the puns. They're not funny. But kudos to all the lines from the films that completely hit the mark. Nicely done, fellows.
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Can't wait to see the visuals to Dark Side of the Poon.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 5:12 p.m. CST
There is a distinct lack of Trim on any George Lucas joint...
by conspiracy
Lets be honest...Star Wars is pretty much a sausage fest, and unless you throw in lots of random Twi' lek broads headtail fucking each other...the Primary actress is really gonna earn her payday. Can't wait for Porn parody of Revenge of the Sith...Bring on the lactating Pregnant Slit!
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Jan. 6, 2012, 5:16 p.m. CST
To lazy to read it all...Has anyone done the Exhaust Port being Ray Shielded...
by conspiracy
so they'll have to use their Proton torpedoes bit yet?
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It's not just Leia. All the stormtroopers in this movie are women. There's also twi'lek babes and cantina females among others getting in on the action.
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...who say stuff like ''WTF is this shit? All I do is go to porntube and rub one out in two minutes'' as if that somehow makes them sound more sophisticated than people who prefer porn with a plot.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 5:24 p.m. CST
mr_incredible...Larry Flynt proved that so long as it is an Obvious parody...
by conspiracy
and the person or thing being parodied is in the public's awareness (Celeb, Politician, Film, Book, etc...) then it is fair game.
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... about this whole project is Tom Byron. Back in the early 1980s when I first started watching porn as an underaged teenager, Tom Byron was either the youngest or at least youngest-looking guy in the business. It was easy to vicariously identify with him when he played high school kids getting it on with teachers, friends' moms, Kay Parker and other assorted MILFage. Now he's playing fucking Obi-Wan Kenobi! Holy shit, I'm old.
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pretty sure she did her first on camera sex with him..and she is 43 now.
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Yeah, it was in What Gets Me Hot from 1984. Apparently, they even dated IRL.
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Well..someone should write a tell all book about the 70's-90's..the best years of porn imho. The stories of sex and drugs must be mind blowing. Today's Porn heros may be nastier and more deviant...but it's also all business today.
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dull for a parody dull for a porn shoulda spent more $$ on script & less on costumes & effects...then again why do I even care. 1. Blast knocks C3P0 flat on its face. R2 saunters up behind & slowly protrudes a device. 2. Darth walks in doing oh yeah pelvis thrusts saying who are the Emperors bitches now. 3. Leia's 3d Hologram is her "webcam" shows a little solo action (pun intended) R2 is pretty excited. 4. Vader is holding up rebel soldier by the nads (has is high pitched) 5. Leia is zapped in state of undress, Stormtroopers adjust their jocks and decide it's better not to do anything. 6. Droids land on planet bikini clad alien chicks use the droids to get off... Come on this stuff writes itself! Call me for the sequel!
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not the dildo's you are looking for
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But are we really linking to star wars porn parody's now? really?
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Jan. 6, 2012, 6:29 p.m. CST
Just me, the boy, two droids... AND NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
by GreatWhiteNoise
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It was said in ESB first you little startrek 2009 fanboys.
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Well not really but it was a movie about a fat fuck and a hot girl who inexplicably decide to make a porno movie and Kevin Smith being Kevin Smith it's a Star Wars spoof and it's called....wait for it....Star Whores. Get it? Cause it rhymes. So I think all this has been done. Most likely before Smith did it.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 6:39 p.m. CST
Apparently, "... that's what SHE said!" can be inerted after every line!!
by BrannigansLaw
Someone should do that Star Wars dub;-)
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Jan. 6, 2012, 6:39 p.m. CST
But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!
by don
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if you type returns in your talkback, seems like they get deleted... i had a whole shitload more in my reply. to revisit, the first trailer linked over the new one was hilarious - the "luke" and "obiwan" look and voices are dead-on. that alone should make it worth one watch.
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This will be GLORIOUS.
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This is so going to be EPIC.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 7:19 p.m. CST
Yeeeehaaah!!! You're all clear kid! Now let's blow our loads in her face and get the hell out of here!
by UltraTron
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Jan. 6, 2012, 7:37 p.m. CST
Can't believe it took half this TB to produce 'size matters not...'
by performingmonkey
I'm so disappointed in you all....hehe. You want this....doon't you... You have a twin sister....Obi-Wan was wise to hide her from me. If you won't take it up the Dark Side, perhaps she will...:P
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Emperor: You want this.... Kenobi: I need your help, Luke. She needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing. And my personal Jedi favorite: Luke: The Force is strong in my family. My father has it. I have it and... My sister has it. I always got a very strange vibe from that scene like that was a come on or something.
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Jan. 6, 2012, 7:52 p.m. CST
drompter ...excellent quote! Might be the first Sandy Pelican on film!
by conspiracy
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The target area is only two meters wide. It's a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system
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I was just going to suggest that..
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Shot for shot = Yawn! Talk about lazy. We have seen STAR WARS so many times why would we want to see shot for shot CGI. Add some fun to it. They could of had TWO domes on the bottom of Star Destroyer so it would look like it had boobs during the opening shot, cheap gag sure but it would of been something. The Rebel ship should of had 3 "X" engines instead of the one now as some people might miss it but triple "XXX" would be way funnier. And in the cantina when Obi wan lightsabered the alien at the bar the reveal shot should of been a big alien cock or something instead of the same arm from the real STAR WARS. Do they really think the funny is going to come from seeing porn cut next to classic shot for shot STAR WARS.
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Jan. 7, 2012, 12:14 a.m. CST
He has no use for smugglers who drop their loads at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser.
by Merrick
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Jan. 7, 2012, 12:33 a.m. CST
George Lucas will sue! He'll jerk off first, then he'll sue!
by Tristan
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some big cash for limited rights. In a strange way this production still promotes STAR WARS as a brand and you have to wonder why CP30 does not have a dildo stuck on his head or why the X-wing nose cones don't look like the head of a cock. Every shot has room for something funny to be added yet the scenes are quite faithful and with the sound off you would not know this was a porno.
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Jan. 7, 2012, 12:55 a.m. CST
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster
by PeopleCallMeTheBriMan
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She's fast enough for you, old man. What's the cargo?
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...don't pull people's cocks out of their sockets when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that.
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...supposed to be funny?
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Straight down this trench.....This film needs 1970's music in it.....
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Is this gay porn because unless I'm mistaken theres like one chick in those Star Wars films. We all know C3p0 is a bottom for R2 and Han and Chewie spend a lot of time alone together and as for the Luke/Obi-Wan crossing of swords thing well Family Guy already did that joke. If this is str8 porn it's gonna get kinky with Luke /Leia and Darth.
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Jan. 7, 2012, 5:38 a.m. CST
i would love to see Herzog do the 3rd trilogy, it could be how the three all decended into madness after the galaxy was saved.
by therootstheroots
it be fucking amazing.
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Jan. 7, 2012, 7:37 a.m. CST
You came in here and you didn't have a plan for getting out?
by MatrixMonkey
I still think this is the dirtiest line in the series, but there are some other close ones.
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Too bad Aunt Peg was't still alive to play Aunt Beru...
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Wait, too soon?
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I guess you have to already be familiar with porn and/or porn parodies to get the "jokes" in this trailer--which are apparently all in the casting? Star Whores was funnier.
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Frodo - It's sticky, what is it? Golem - Oh you'll see...you'll see.
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Aint like dusting crops, boy!
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Great kid! Dont get COCKy :)
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*Puts cock in her ass*
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Jan. 7, 2012, 12:39 p.m. CST
I don't get it. Where is the comedy and where is the sex?
by Orionsangels
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Jan. 7, 2012, 1:32 p.m. CST
The shield will be down in moments. You may start your landing.
by Vermifax
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Jan. 7, 2012, 1:42 p.m. CST
Threepio, you tell that slimy piece of worm-ridden...filth, he'll get no such pleasure from us!
by Clavius
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Jan. 7, 2012, 5:05 p.m. CST
Actually, you don't have to change Lord of the Rings too much
by Mugato5150
to turn it into a gay porno.
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Jan. 7, 2012, 6:59 p.m. CST
The problem is it's copying scene for scene with a tiny hint of a joke.
by Orionsangels
Make boob and cock jokes, like when Obiwan cuts the hand at the bar. Have it be a penis. Be clever guys. What waist of celluloid.
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This entire talkback wrote a good portion of lines for your inevitable sequel(s).
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Wrong hole.
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...and unfortunately, the vast majority of these porn parodies are among the worst. They are often hacked out, have no insight as to what they are parodying, and have below average sex scenes. Whenever I'm given the opportunity to review another THIS AIN'T...XXX or the like, I know that I'm in for 90 minutes of boredom.
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Jan. 8, 2012, 4:51 a.m. CST
close the site down now. end on a high note. it won't ever get any better than this.
by wierdo27
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Jan. 8, 2012, 8:45 a.m. CST
Only one girl in "Star Wars" (unless you count Beru). Someone's gonna be sore before this is over.
by jawsfan
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Jan. 8, 2012, 9:13 a.m. CST
I got 90% of the way through the TB before I saw the first "They came from...behind" line.
by guardian.452
Lock ass-spoilers in attack position?
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If only the XXX version had some real jokes in it. I watched a 5 minute behind the scenes and everyone on the production is excited on how faithful the porn will be to the original STAR WARS. Really, I rather see Vader walk into Lea's cell with a probe droid with 10 spinning dildos and KY applicators dripping goo "we have ways of making you come princess" "Oh fuck me daddy" would get some awkward laughs but be funny in context. It would of been nice to put some jokes into the FXs too. Hopefully this is just early footage and not the finished product. It would suck if this turns out to be 5 minute GCI shot for shot space action mixed with 15 minute hardcore sex, repeat 5 times and nothing more. STAR WARS is ripe to poke some fun at and I hope they have a scene where the camera pans over during a sex scene to Lucas sitting in a chair yelling "Faster, more intense!" while masturbating.
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video I have ever seen in my life. I would rather watch a John Grisham adaptation or even Roger Corman's Fantastic Four. This will not even be decent porn.
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Jan. 9, 2012, 7:59 a.m. CST
Hookey positions and ancient sextoys are no match for a trusty cock in you bum, kid.
by tradeskilz
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Jan. 9, 2012, 9:05 a.m. CST
It's away!...Negative. Negative. It didn't go in. Just impacted on the surface.
by Aurora
- Perhaps this line could be uttered by that old bearded Rebel general while his long, distinguished and ropey-veined penis is sodomizing Allie Haze (the Princess). His elated cry of "It's away!" is made at the moment before orgasm. Alas, at the same moment, exhausted by his vigorous colonic-assualt, Allie Haze falls forward from the doggystyle position atop the Rebels circular, flashing plastic computer screen simulation of the Death Star attack, until she's flat on her stomach. Grunting with disappointment, the old bearded Rebel general is forced to furiously stroke his long cuntwet cock as he ejaculated with copious ferocity onto her taut buttocks. This is the moment when he corrects himself by saying "Negative. Negative. It didn't go in. Just impacted on the surface." Then cut to a shot of Threepio exchanging a glance with Artoo, who ends the scene by making one of those protacted electronic farting noises he's so fond of.
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Jan. 9, 2012, 9:24 a.m. CST
And don;t forget that Walrus Man's face has been confirmed as an anus...
by Aurora
...by George Lucas himself (I think. Or in the EU, or something like that. Don't correct me in a follow up post - I don't give a shit). So let's change the character to Walrus WOMAN and she should probably blow Han under the table at some point. The cantina is a pretty fucked up, debauched place, and I think that Solo is such a rogue that he would definitely have facially ass-fucked a Walrus Woman at some point in his past, therefore this would be entirely consistent with his character and help to flesh out the OT trilogy some more.
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