Herc Thinks ABC’s New CHARLIE’S ANGELS Can Go Straight To Hell!!
I truly love McG’s first “Charlie’s Angels” movie (the one with Bill Murray, Sam Rockwell, Lucy Liu schooling the nerds to Heart’s “Barracuda” and Cameron Diaz’ swirly underoos) but was much less impressed with the sequel.
Know what’s worse than the sequel? Way worse? ABC’s new dim, lazy, woefully unoriginal and humor-challenged TV version, which is overseen by “Smallville” masterminds Miles Millar and Al Gough -- the fellows who also scripted “Shanghai Noon,” “Shanghai Knights,” “Showtime,” “Herbie Fully Loaded,” “The Mummy III” and “I Am Number Four.”
The pilot they wrote is so bland and listless it convinces me I initially cut “Smallville” too much slack 10 years ago; I’m pretty sure now I stuck with The New Adventures Of Young Clark Kent only because it namechecked my beloved DC Comics characters.
The new “Charlie’s” makes me wonder why Drew Barrymore, who produced both the movies and this series, didn’t exert more quality control.
This version of “Angels” gives us a young, muscular, shirtless, hottubbing Latino Bosley but can’t be bothered to stick “Friday Night Lights” cheerleader Minka Kelly in a bikini.
Bosley, by the way, is apparently SO good with an iPad he can use it to compel surveillance satellites to look inside any hotel room in the world, even those with kidnap victims inside. Why didn’t the kidnappers anticipate this? Oh yeah, because it’s FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE.
(And by the way, the blonde Angel in this new series is the daughter of a fictionalized Bernie Madoff, just as the blonde waitress is in “2 Broke Girls.” That jailed Ponzi schemer has really caught the imagination of TV writers!)
(And by the way again, is there any way this version can be better than the “Charlie’s Angels” TV remake Carlton Cuse wrote before he got sucked into “Lost”?)
… a much bigger mess than '70s critics ever accused the original of being....this version isn't what anyone's looking for out of either "Charlie's Angels" or just an hour of television.
... Was the clunky script for 'Charlie's Angels' also dug up from some '70s vault? It contains more than a few leaden lines, and any show that asks me to accept Minka Kelly (Lyla from 'Friday Night Lights') as an orphan who grew up to be a tough car thief is asking too much. If I want light entertainment and action-adventure featuring attractive people, I'll switch over to USA Network, where they at least try to avoid making the stories and characters faintly ridiculous. ...
... The devil is in the details of TV's latest uninspired reboot. Acting and writing? Mere afterthoughts in this noisy misfire. Even the casting lacks those essential star-is-born Farrah-mones. It's like a USA Network show after a lobotomy....
... It's unlikely anyone expected much from a revival of that eye-candy progenitor Charlie's Angels; the surprise is that you're getting so little. No one was ever going to mistake the original for, well, Prime Suspect, but it had energy and glamour and a self-aware sense of frothy fun, all of which are missing from this lugubrious update. ...
... ABC has marketed the remake with the slogan “These are not your mother’s Angels.” And that is certainly true — they are your grandmother’s Angels, throwbacks to an era when there was something contrary and cute about a woman with flowing hair and a lethal karate chop. “Prime Suspect” isn’t coy or campy, and perhaps because of it, it’s a lot more enjoyable to watch.
... The high gloss serio-silliness of the original is as dated as Farrah Fawcett's legendary hairstyle, but that doesn't stop creators Alfred Gough and Miles Millar from adopting it ...
.... viewers have a pretty good idea of what they're going to get: action, attractive women and gorgeous locations -- but not much else. …
... This lousy, third-generation retread of the 1970s original is suitably DOA (dumb on arrival), but also offensively bland in feel. ... Now diluted by present-day TV’s cookie-cutter hustle and flow, the real duds are the Angels themselves: Rachel Taylor, Annie Ilonzeh and Minka Kelly. They come off as interchangeable affirmative-action figures who make Farrah and company look like early suffragettes who fought for the jiggle rights we now take for granted.
... The women never sparkle on camera.... Writers Alfred Gough and Miles Millar (“Smallville”) seem to have generated their script from a Mad Libs exercise. …
… Am I hooked? Definitely not. The underwhelming cast brings nothing to the boilerplate action. Kelly is miscast as a biker chick, and making Bosley a hunk with computer skills fails to add life.…
... instantly dated. … other than Kelly (and, admittedly, this is highly subjective) the casting appears short on the requisite sizzle to make these Angels really fly, assuming they still could. … Sorry, Charlie.
... fails miserably and offensively. ... The writing is atrocious. It’s like a spoof that suddenly took itself seriously. That ABC could have made this on the drama side and the yet-to-air “Work It” on the comedy side – far and away the two worst shows of this new season – says a lot about what it takes to get fired in this town. …
8 p.m. Thursday. ABC.
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Sept. 22, 2011, 3:58 p.m. CST
Sept. 22, 2011, 4:02 p.m. CST
by A G
Oh i mean, FUCK THE STAR WARS BLU RAYS AND THE THING REMAKE.
Sept. 22, 2011, 4:02 p.m. CST
Sept. 22, 2011, 4:20 p.m. CST
To hell with this new crap. Give me some finger-lickin' good Tanya Roberts in her prime.
Sept. 22, 2011, 4:38 p.m. CST
How do you fuck up Charlie's Angels? Bad move not tying it more directly into the old show and the movies(though the 2nd one was pretty shitty). They could have brought in Lucy Lui, Drew Barrymore or Jaclyn Smith for sweeps episodes. You've got 2 generations familiar with both of those wildly popular incarnations and you opt for a lifeless "She Spies" rehash instead? Idiots.
Sept. 22, 2011, 4:56 p.m. CST
by Master Bruce
Oh the pain, the pain!
Sept. 22, 2011, 5:10 p.m. CST
I noticed no reference to earlier Angels
Sept. 22, 2011, 6:31 p.m. CST
The 70's show, regardless of how silly it was, is iconic. The movies were terrible and not rooted the same ideas of the original TV show. The original Angels were not super spies. They were private detectives. This new show, despite the absolutely drop dead gorgeousness of Minka Kelly and despite trying to copy the popular movies, could not possibly compete with the original series. And a young, hunky Bosley? Give me a frickin' break.
Sept. 22, 2011, 9:23 p.m. CST
by Nasty In The Pasty
And what's with the "magical swirling ass" obsession? Cameron Diaz has NO ASS TO SWIRL.
Sept. 22, 2011, 10:33 p.m. CST
I never got why people were so into Farrah, she was a total skank compared to Jaclyn Smith. Rest in Peace to her though.
Sept. 22, 2011, 10:59 p.m. CST
WTF. No need to have her do an American accent. Her real accent would add a lot, and she was really the only reason to maybe watch this show. Fail.
Sept. 22, 2011, 11:42 p.m. CST
the original series has some charm. I agree that the pilot was dull and unbelievable, and the ladies didn't seem to fit their roles. Let's hope that they settle in quick. And though I realize that Victor Garber probably had five minutes to read his lines - and I love Victor Garber - his Charlie was a total flat snoozefest.
Sept. 23, 2011, 9:48 a.m. CST
He leaves no fingerprints, no traces. He's a ghost.
Sept. 23, 2011, 9:49 a.m. CST
- "He leaves no traces, no fingerprints. He's a ghost." - "Ghosts aren't real. He is. And he's going to pay." ****** - "I didn't know my heart could hurt this bad! She doesn't even have any family we can call!" - "We're her family. She was our sister." - "How's Charlie taking it?" - "He's devastated. Losing an angel is his worst nightmare. Mine too." DERP!
Sept. 23, 2011, 9:50 a.m. CST
Made me want to throw the remote control at the tv.
Sept. 23, 2011, 10:12 a.m. CST
not in 2011. we have the net to look at all the eye candy we want, its not 1976. this reboot will only last 1 season.
Sept. 23, 2011, 11 a.m. CST
re: "Bosley, by the way, is apparently SO good with an iPad he can use it to compel surveillance satellites to look inside any hotel room in the world"
Not only that but he can use it to pretend he is Charlie by sending pre-typed responses to a voice synthesizer over the phone. Anyone else notice whenever they are on the phone with Charlie and he's in the room he has either a phone or his iPad with him? Bosley is Charlie. That's why Charlie's lines are read in that monotone way.
Sept. 23, 2011, 12:02 p.m. CST
Will check it out. Not every show needs to be pretentious.
Sept. 23, 2011, 12:03 p.m. CST
It's Reboot, NOT remake! The characters are all new creations.
Would be nice if Private Detectives were given their due again.
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