MODERN FAMILY!! CASTLE!! BODY OF PROOF!! FIVE-0!! MOLLY!! HOW!! RAISING!! KENNEDYS!! HercVault!!

I am – Hercules!!

A super-hacky hourlong from writer Chris Murphey (the SciFi Channel TV-movie “Dead Lawyers”) about a former neurosurgeon who solves crimes, “Body of Proof” stars Dana Delany (“China Beach,” “Desperate Housewives”) as Dr. Megan Hunt, medical examiner.

It’s a terrible show, perhaps the last to stagger out of the long-dead regime of ousted ABC programming quisling Steve McPherson, and redeemed only a bit for affording us the opportunity to gander again at Dana Delany, likely the hottest 55-year-old alive.

Find what the critics said here.

CBS’ disappointing new “Hawaii Five-0” comes to us from writer-producer Peter Lenkov (“CSI NY”) as an uninspired buddy-cop caper. It’s maybe trying to be a white-boy “Bad Boys” but doesn’t clear that fairly low bar.

It’s a very loose remake of CBS’ old anti-hippie Jack Lord series. As the new pilot begins, Five-0 agency does not exist; the phrase “Five-0” (or even the number “50”) is never uttered.

Steve McGarrett here is a young Oahu native and Navy officer with a background in intelligence and the SEALs. He’s suddenly charged by the Hawaiian governor (Jean Smart) with forming a new state police task force.

Dan Williams is now a divorced New Jersey police detective who relocated to Hawaii to be closer to his daughter. Chin Ho Kelly is a disgraced ex-Honolulu cop who worked with McGarrett’s terrorist-victim father. And the mountainous Kono Kalakaua is now a hot skinny girl fresh out of the police academy.

So a new team is forged on something like the template of the “Untouchables” movie: the new leader gathers together an outsider, somebody who knows the Hawaiian way, and a kid new to the force.

Alex O'Loughlin (“Moonlight,” “Three Rivers”), who plays the new McGarrett, is a good-looking stiff. He evokes a Nicolas Cage with all the important edges sanded off. Scott Caan seems more surefooted as Danno, but the bickery banter given these supposedly mismatched crime fighters is bush league. “Lost” icon Daniel Dae Kim doesn’t get a lot to do as Chin in the opener.

The best thing about the hour is the tan body of skinny, sexy Grace Park (“Battlestar Galactica”). Her lanky cadet character is introduced in a bikini, then later finds herself forced to strip down to her bra and panties by a human trafficker. Park’s physique is almost reason enough to give this pilot a look; CBS will want to keep her half-naked at all times. Let’s hope the producers continue to find excuses.

Also attention-getting are two nifty CGI-enhanced vehicular stunts: one with McGarrett sliding on the hood of a crashing car; another with a thug getting violently smooshed by a large, fast-moving truck. But I don’t think CBS has made a “Five-O” promo yet that didn’t feature these two fleeting moments, so there’s now no reason to sit through an hour of tepid procedural to get to them.

Find what the critics said here.

A not-bad highly serialized new sitcom from “Entourage” writer-producer Rob Weiss and somebody named Ian Edelman, “How To Make It In America” is about late-20s clothes-folder trying to start a designer jeans business because successful guys are getting all of New York’s hottest young women.

It has an urban contemporary soundtrack and stars thirtysomething Bryan Greenberg (“October Road”), Victor Rasuk (“ER”), Lake Bell (“Surface”), Shannyn Sossamon (“Moonlight"), Luis Guzman (“John From Cincinnati”), Martha Plimpton (“Surface,” “Grey’s Anatomy”) and Eddie Kaye Thomas (“Til Death”).

The pilot’s too-arty early minutes nearly convinced me I would hate this show, but the project’s virtues came to turn me around.

It works better than the last couple seasons of “Entourage,” which has gotten lazy with increasingly sitcommy plotlines and largely let its characters collapse into caricatures. “How” feels less like a sitcom like “Bored To Death” and more like an above-average big-screen indie chopped up into half-hours. Guzman’s loan shark is funny, and you’ll find other interesting supporting characters if you stick with the series beyond its pilot. Also, the female characters are richer than “Entourage’s,” which I like.

I don’t like the series’ title, which is too long and too generic, and makes this scripted comedy sound like an HBO documentary about the crack trade.

Find what the critics said here.

The pilot for “Law & Order: Los Angeles” was scripted by Blake Masters, who masterminded Showtime’s excellent “Brotherhood.” Joining subsequent to the cancellation of the original “Law & Order” is longtime “Law & Order” writer-producer Rene Balcer.

The new show is nothing like “Brotherhood” and exactly what its title promises: an L.A. “Law & Order” with a new set of detectives and prosecutors who behave very much the same way their counterparts did back in New York. There’s a lot of overburdened expositional chit-chat I associate with the cancelled series, like “Mom shoots a burglar. Daughter holds a press conference. I love L.A.”

The West Coast version stars Skeet Ulrich (“Jericho”), Corey Stoll (“The Number 23”), Alfred Molina (“Raiders of the Lost Ark”), Regina Hall (the “Scary Movie” series), Rachel Ticotin (the “Traveling Pants” movies), Peter Coyote (“The 4400”), Terrence Howard (“Iron Man”), Megan Boone (“Sex and the City 2”) and Teri Polo (“The West Wing”).

Some of the cast rotates in and out, and Howard, Boone, Coyote and Polo don’t turn up in the first episode. The bald and mustachioed Stoll stands out among all the “where were you on the night of the attack?” questioning and more famous actors.

Lindsay and Dina Lohan are so obviously the inspiration for episode one that virtually every critic is obliged to mention the troubled mother-daughter team by name.

TMZ is referenced so many times in the first episode you half-expect to see Harvey Levin listed as one of the producers.

Next week’s installment focuses on a Manson-y cult, so I guess this series can do stories torn from the headlines of 1969.

If you were still watching “Law & Order” when NBC cancelled it, I doubt you’ll find anything offensive here. If you weren’t a fan, I can’t imagine this will make you one.

Find what the critics said here.

A laughtrack sitcom from writer-producers Chuck Lorre and Mark Roberts (“Two And A Half Men”), “Mike & Molly” follows a couple of Overeaters Anonymous members, a fat cop and a fat 4th-grade teacher. It stars Billy Gardell (“Yes, Dear,” “My Name Is Earl”), Melissa McCarthy (“Gilmore Girls,” “Bridesmaids”), Katy Mixon (“Eastbound and Down”), Swoosie Kurtz (“Pushing Daisies”), Reno Wilson (“The Chronicle,” “Blind Justice”) and Tucker Albrizzi (“Big Time Rush”).

It’s about as funny as what I’ve seen of “Two and a Half Men,” and gets a lot of mileage out of the likeable stand-up comedian Gardell, a fat guy who knows how to sell a joke. I can’t say the jokes are strong enough to make me watch, but I do judge this as likely the funniest of last fall’s new sitcoms.

Find what the critics said here.

The third sitcom about poor people from wealthy writer-producer Greg Garcia (“Yes Dear,” “My Name Is Earl”), “Raising Hope” follows a pool cleaner suddenly thrust into the role of single fatherhood.

The pool cleaner barbeques on a grocery cart. He meets a cute supermarket checker who likes to rebel by drawing faces on produce. The pool cleaner’s dad likes to push people down while they’re trying to pee. The pool cleaner’s ancient grandma likes to wander around topless and make out with her grandson. The infant gets to watch her mother get electrocuted. There’s a lot of vomiting.

Martha Plimpton plays the pool cleaner’s mom. I still find Martha Plimpton sexy, even as a grandmother.

I laughed a time or two. Not enough to want to stick with it, but I’m not much of a sitcom guy. This might play well to the cannabis-saturated Adult Swim crowd that enjoys “Aqua Teen Hunger Force.” Or not.

Find what the critics said here.

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